5 Simple Tests to Know If He's the One

In today's pod, we're going to be talking about the 5 simple tests to know if a guy is the one for you. And little do you know, a first date is simply just a test. And if you don't know about the test, I promise you, you're probably failing the test because he is definitely testing you. Gary, aren't these guys out there— they're testing these women. And it's really important for us to understand how this kind of works and how it is that we can see if a person is really right for us. Welcome to the Love Strategies Podcast, where we help successful women attract high-value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy.

Everybody's testing everybody, right? Like we're all trying to figure out as quickly as possible if this is worth our time, is this gonna be worth our effort? And so there's lots of little ways we test each other, but I think really what we wanna talk about today is, you know, are there simple ways you can see if this guy is for you? Is this gonna work out long term? Is this what you're looking for?

Yeah, and I think the word test has like a negative connotation. Like I hear that word and I think back to like 6th grade, failing my tests and I wasn't exactly the best student in high school and college. No, I was, I was pretty good in college, but I, it doesn't have to be necessarily a negative thing. Like even, uh, I was thinking about this podcast and I was thinking about Jessica and I, we went on vacation probably about a month ago. We went to Turks and Caicos and one night I had a weird moment where I'm like, I'm gonna get drunk tonight. This is gonna be a fun night. I'm getting drunk and we're gonna order some tequila shots. But I didn't wanna take the whole tequila shot, so I made up a game where I was like, let's test each other and if we fail the test, we have to take a little sip of the tequila. And, and you know my wife, she's like, yeah, that sounds so fun. She loves games. But it was really, really fun cuz we were kind of going back and forth testing each other on our knowledge of our relationship or like things in our lives. And, uh, I, I did fail a test when she asked me to like name all the niece and nephews and that was a bad one, but It was like, did you win the game?

Like, or is it— was there a way to lose this game?

I'm pretty sure she had a full shot left and I had to finish mine very quickly. I think I, I lost all the tests. But like, the point is like, you can have fun with this and a test is really just a way to like get knowledge and share with each other and like, um, yeah, just enjoy your time with one another. I don't know, you can have a good time with it.

Well, I think one of the things that happens with dating a lot is people want it to be easy. It's not, it can be very, very hard and that's fine because this is what we do for a living. Like we help people make this really hard thing a whole lot easier. And I think the tests that we're going to, the tests we're going to talk about today are really there to make a lot of things that seem kind of complicated, a whole lot simpler in just one easy step.

Yeah. And there really is no like one single test. To figure it all out. Like, I hate those types of headlines. If he passes this one test, he is the man for you for the rest of your life. Let's, let's not have anything like that. These are a few different ways for you to really be able to engage with him and kind of, uh, you know, it— in many ways, these are mental models you can also use as you're going through the process of determining how much of a fit is this person for you. Is he worth another date? Is he worth more time? Is he worth being exclusive with? Um, because there's no way to know even by the third or the fifth date if someone is the one for you for the rest of your life. No way. But you can determine, are they worth your time for another date? Are they worth exploring further? Are they worth going deeper? Are they worth your time, focus, and energy? So Gary, let's jump into these. Let's have a little bit of fun, man.

Yeah, so this first one, this is all about moving forward. And so I got a story for you. Are you ready for this, Adam? Because I think you're gonna love— I think you're gonna love the story, and I think you're gonna have the same reaction I did. To what, what kind of unfolded. And so this is about 2 months ago at this point, but I was on it. I was doing a mastermind with a client named Linda, not her real name, um, and she's explaining to me, she's like, Gary, I've got a dilemma. I gotta, I gotta talk through this thing. I need your help. I'm like, cool, I'm here for you. What do you got? And she proceeds to explain how this guy she's been on 3 dates with is basically amazing, meets her love vision, everything's there. He's a great guy, he's easy to talk to, respects her. She feels like she can be herself with him, like check, check, check, check, check. Amazing. I was like, okay, so what, what's the problem? She goes, but we've been on 3 dates, that's enough time to know. I'm like, yep, that, that's enough time to have a pretty good sense. She's like, I don't know about the 4th. I'm like, well, why? What's, what's going on? She's like, I'm just, I'm just not feeling it. I just, I don't have that spark. I don't have that excitement. And she's like, I've had that with previous relationships. And I was like, well, wait a second, those previous relationships, how did those turn out? She goes, well, well, not good. I'm like, okay, Bookmark that.

Abysmal. They were like crash and burn. They were the worst relationships of my life. Okay, I've heard this kind of type of story before from some clients as well, so sorry to interject.

Just bookmark that. Maybe we'll get back to that, maybe we won't. Um, but this thing that you're looking for in the past that hasn't worked out, okay, good. So she's like, here's my, here's my question: how do I tell him that this isn't going to work out? How can I let him down easy?, and every once in a while on these masterminds, I, I don't know, like I get like a little pushy or like tough or dramatic. I'm like, I like, absolutely not. I refuse to answer that question. I'm not gonna do it. And she's like, well, what, what, why? She's like, I got something better for her. She's like, okay, well, what is it? And I was like building all this drama and all this stuff. I won't do that here. It's like something super simple. The next— you're going to go on a fourth date and you're going to do something you haven't done yet, but you're going to do it this time. It's super easy to do. You want to know what it is? And she's like— I have her like— I have her like she's on the edge of her seat. She's like, what do I need to do? I'm like, kiss him. And then I just watch her face, and her face kind of does like the face you just made, which is like, ooh, ooh, because this is the telltale sign. And this is why it's a simple test. You think about kissing the guy now. And she was like, okay, all right. It's like she's kind of into it. If she had done the, uh, right, like the disgust, and it's like, okay, clear, we don't need to go on that fourth date, you're done, give him the gift of goodbye, send him on his way, fine. But she was like intrigued. So essentially what I ended up doing was I signed her kiss permission slip and sent her on her way. She was thrilled, right? Now, you never know how this is gonna go. Like, you just—

you—

she comes back the following week. She's on the mastermind. She's like one of my first— I think she was the first person that night who had a question. And she said, she's like, I don't have a question tonight. I'm like, okay, good. But I have an update.

Like, all right, how did—

how did it go? She goes, I kissed him. And she's— she was playing dramatic too. She goes, I kissed him. And she goes, tingles. I'm like, yeah, her words. And my, like, my reaction, like, I just did it again. It's like I get, like, goosebumps about this stuff. And she goes, this is why you're the expert. I'm like, hell yeah, it is, right? And it's like, it's not that it's always going to work out this way, but it's like something that you and I both do when we do all these coaching calls is like you read the signs. And there's like a lot of signs that you, like, it's even hard to put into words what those signs are. Now, I wouldn't suggest just anybody like, hey, just go kiss random dudes, see how it works out. Like, that's not how it works. Like, there's a lot of nuance to it. Um, but then the best part was she says, he also said this to me after this, and I realized he was the one. This is what he said. He said, I know you're not the kind of woman who needs a man, but I'm gonna do everything I can to be exactly the kind of man that you want. And I was just like, goosebumps. Like, oh my God, like, that's just the best. Like, and it just— she wouldn't have known she was gonna break it off with this guy, but all it took was like, give it a little— give him a kiss, see how it goes.

Give him a little smoochie pie, see what happens. Go do it. And I think this advice is so, so important if you're in your 40s, 50s, 60s, or beyond. I mean, look, if you're in your 20s and 30s, you're, you're making out, you're going out there, you're kissing. All right, that's just a thing that people do at that stage. But I think when we're dating a little bit later in life, we're looking for the same type of sparks that we had in our 20s and 30s, just assuming that it will be the same and it will just appear. And this kiss test is so important. It's helped so many clients. And I feel like Robin talks about— Coach Robin talks a lot about this because she's, you know, uh, I believe in her 60s, and this was so important for her when she was dating, and now she's married to her husband, uh, was just see— it's almost like creating the spark, creating that moment, and trying to make it happen. And a lot of people will talk about the idea of being open in relationships. I need to be more open, I need to be more vulnerable. Well, this is a very important step. And as you were telling the story, Gary, I was thinking back to when I did this television show. I was a dating coach, a matchmaker, on this pretty awful reality TV show called K+ Date. Where I was helping Kate Gosselin, uh, date in her love life, which I know you're aware of, but for those who aren't aware, I was on this television show and that was a challenging one, let me tell you. She is, uh, she's— I'm not gonna say anything bad. She's, uh, uh, I'm sure a wonderful person. Uh, but with that said, there was this scene after she'd gone on 3 different dates with guys and she just wasn't being open. And we're— I remember we're sitting outside in New York City, it was raining out where and it's maybe midnight, and I'm telling her, look, what you need to do is kiss one of these guys. This is your next step to just being a little bit more open. And the moment I knew that this television show was failed and doomed for all of eternity is when she goes, oh, I would never kiss a man, ever. Not a chance in hell, Adam. And I remember looking at the producer being like, oh, is this a dating show? Or like, what are we doing here? Is this a wrap? Can I go back to Boston now? Like, what are we doing here? Because like, look, that is part of the process. That's what creates a spark. That's what creates the interest. It allows you to have that moment of test. And look, if the test fails, so be it. It's just a kiss. You'll be okay. Go mouthwash after. You'll live. Yeah, right.

What I love about the kiss test and, and every— all these tests actually— is so many problems in life, so many worries, concerns, anxieties, and overthinking can be solved by a little bit of action. You got to do something, right? Take a step, move forward, and then let that action step help you decide the next step, right? If you just kind of sit there and try to overanalyze things all the time, I don't know, you're just going to be stuck. And so let's, let's use some of these tests to get us moving, right?

Yeah, why don't you take us to the second one, Garrett?

All right, so the next one is the mirror test. The mirror test is something you can do. You can do— if you're old school like me, I would do this with pen and paper. Right, or the Notes app on your phone if you want to be high-tech and fancy about it. But essentially what you do with the mirror test is you write down all of the qualities you want your partner to have. Make a list. You can check it twice, that doesn't matter, but you just make a list, right? All these great things—kind, respectful, great communicator—on, on down, as long as you want, right? And you go back and you circle and highlight, or highlight the ones you don't have. Those are going to be your target or bullseye qualities because you need to be the person you want to date, right? You should only spend time wanting the type of relationship you're willing to work for. And so you can't say, I want a partner that has all these qualities while you're at the same time down here. Whatever these things are you want in your partner, you have to make sure you are those things too. What I say to clients all the time is work relentlessly at being the kind of person you want to date. And that's where the mirror thing comes in, is like when you look in the mirror, would would you date you, right? And it's something that, Adam, I think I stole from you, is that the mirror— this idea of a mirror test is like, when you look in the mirror, would you date you?

Yeah, I would do that a lot with clients when I would first start working with them. I would— I kind of trick them a little bit, walk through this process, and at the end I was like, oh yeah, yeah, just one more question, um, based on all this, would you date yourself? And their eyes would light up at first and they'd want to say yes, and they're like Huh, interesting. Great. That's where we start. That's where you start in the process, is getting to the point where your expectations for your partner are completely aligned with the expectations that you have for yourself and the standards you have for yourself. And then once you're aligned, suddenly now you don't put up with BS from people who don't meet those expectations because they're not on your level. It's no longer this like goal idea of a person because you haven't yet achieved that. Once you're there, and let's say you have high integrity, you have, um, you know, kindness, you have sociable person, whatever it is that's on your list, and you meet all that criteria, then suddenly now, once again, if someone comes in your life doesn't meet that, they will be unattractive to you. You wouldn't be interested in that person because you're just kind of on a different level. And that's a beautiful thing. I love that exercise. I think that's great.

Yeah, when, when you're working on these things in yourself, it also helps you notice them in other people, right? All of a sudden, if it becomes something in yourself, like, you know what I really need to work on? I need to work on being a little bit more warm interpersonally. Now all of a sudden, there are people in your orbit that have these qualities that you've never noticed before. Now it's just like, you know, when you buy a brand new car of a certain type and all of a sudden, like, you start driving down the highway, you're like, oh my gosh, look at all these people with the same car. It's like You just have kind of created this suggestion in your mind to look more for these qualities, and it's just going to help you find the best match for you.

Definitely. I mean, it's, it's as simple as like a lot of women— because we, we work with all women currently— will say they want to be with a man who doesn't lie or always tells the truth. And we know based on the data that Men will lie about their height online dating, and women will lie about their age. And I've worked with clients who will be just so frustrated beyond— like, the level of pain and anger they have about going out with a guy who lied about his height is just— it's just permeating through every single word that they're saying. They're so frustrated. And then I'll take a look at their online dating profile and be like, wait a second, You're not, you're not 52. And they're like, well, that's fine, you know, that— but that's not a big— it was 5 years ago. Yeah, exactly. Wait a second, these pictures are from when you were 45, you know? Like, let's just call a spade a spade. Like, if you have that standard for other people, you got to have it for yourself. And I think when we really take audit— and by the way, I am not immune to this. When I was dating, I had to do this myself. I had to really take a hard look in the mirror, and sometimes it's like a really tough look, and it's a tough moment where you have to be real with yourself and take full ownership of it. So yeah, it's super important. And for those of you who do want to find a committed relationship and really want some next-level help in your love life, Gary and I put together this really special seminar. It's called He Commits. It's at hecommits.com, and we're going to walk you through 5 simple strategies that make men commit. And we're going to dive really deep into some of these strategies so that you can attract the right man, the right relationship, this year. So head on over to hecommits.com. I think that'll help you out a lot.

Cool. So the next test, simple test to know if he's the one, is another one that requires a little bit of list making. This one is the best friend test. So for this one, again, pen, paper, notes app, however you want to handle it, write down all the qualities your best friend should have. Okay, now again, as long as you want, think of your current best friend, write down all their amazing qualities, write down all the qualities you want your best friend to have. Now go back through that list and cross off any of those qualities that you don't want in your romantic partner. Hint, this is going to be super quick because there shouldn't be many of those things that you want in a best friend that you don't want in a romantic partner. The idea is that those lists should be the same. It's just that we don't often think about our romantic partner through this lens. This is going to help you treat your dating approach much like you would treat how you're looking for a best friend. Because the thing is, when it comes to our best friend, We have pretty high standards. We don't put up with a lot of the nonsense that we tend, if we're honest, to put up with when we're talking about a dating partner, right? So if you're meeting a potential best friend, are you going to worry about sparks, instant chemistry, height, bank account, status? You can worry about any of that stuff because none of that stuff matters for having a good best friend. And, you know, spoiler alert, it doesn't really matter for a great long-term relationship partner either. And so we want to make sure with this best friend test that, again, this is putting this front and center in your mind because we want you optimizing for best friend qualities because those are synonymous with long-term committed relationship romantic partners.

Yeah. At the end of the day, the person that you marry or spend the rest of your life with is just a best friend that you want to have sex with. Yeah, that's really, that's really all it is. Yep. Ladies and gents, it's just someone who you really enjoy spending time with that you're also attracted to, and that's it. And I might take this exercise a step further to ensure that we don't create an elevated list. I might encourage people to just write down the list— think of their best friend currently and what are all the qualities that that person has— and also take note of some of the deficiencies that they have. Oh, I love that. I love that because I feel like people when in relationships have such, such higher expectations for the romantic connections than they do for their best friends in their life. Because I can even think, like, all of my best friends in my life all have some level of deficiencies. All of us do. I do as well. I have flaws. No doubt. But I remember when I was single, my expectations before I kind of went through this process and understanding everything we teach now, like I had to have the absolute perfect partner who had absolutely no deficiencies, had no flaws whatsoever. And it wasn't until I really took a look at all the people in my life, my friends, my brother, my best friends, my mentors, all these people who I really looked up to and just really noticed that they all have really serious flaws. Until I recognized that, like, I couldn't continue with my dating life because I was looking for someone who didn't have any flaws. So just take note of that. The person you're with is going to have massive flaws, and that's okay. Everyone does.

I just— I can't help but laugh because I just imagine one of your best friends or your brother listening to this podcast and being like, hey buddy, uh, simmer down on the serious flaw, on the massive bug, like Flawed, sure, but massive? Are we sure it's massive?

Massive. Foundational. My God, it is massive, massive fault. But I, I mean that in like such a beautiful way. Like that is what makes us human and beautiful. Like if you want a best friend that doesn't have any flaws, talk to ChatGPT all day, right? But we all know, or get a dog. Okay, fine. A dog. Dogs are perfect. You're so right. Just get a dog. That's so true. Um, all right, it's, it's super important for everyone to recognize that and also recognize the flaws in yourself. That's all. Gary, you don't have any foundational flaws. I just want you to know that.

To me, you are perfect.

Thanks, Robert.

All right, so number 4 in our simple test is the why would I do that to someone I like asking yourself, like taking perspective. Why would I do that? Because one of the most common questions that we get, or something along the lines of, what are men thinking? Why would he do that? And it's things like, why would he not text? Why does he not open up? Why doesn't he share? Why does this guy just disappear for, for days after we had this amazing date? Or, you know, why is he just so inconsistent, right? And You can either try to do a deep dive into the male mind and like quiz a whole bunch of guys or pull your guy friends aside, any of that kind of stuff. But there's something you do that's just a whole lot easier, which is simply ask yourself, whatever behavior it is, why would I myself do that exact same thing? Because it's the same reasons. Like, men and women, when it comes to this kind of stuff, aren't that different. Like, men are not special in the reasons why they don't text. Like, Why would you not text a guy? Well, it's because you're not that interested. Well, why is a guy not texting? Well, it's because he's not that interested. Like, this is exactly what you think it is. If you look at it, if he's intermittently texting, like hot and cold, well, why would you do that? Well, it's not that you're not interested, but you're just not interested enough to, like, be more consistent. You have mild interest, but partly it's probably because you think you have better options. If you disappeared completely, why would you disappear on a guy completely? Because you don't have time, you're not interested, this is not something you want to pursue. So when a guy disappears, let's not overthink it. Let's just— okay, fine, like, check them off, like, move next, move on, right? If a guy is inconsistent in just anything he's doing, well, why would you be inconsistent? Well, you're inconsistent with somebody because you have fallback options. You might think there's something better, you're not that serious, or you just frankly don't care enough to be more consistent. So just kind of take a look at yourself, and that tells you most of what you need to know about why guys are doing anything they're doing.

I love this. I think it's great. It also works the other way around on the positive. This actually happened a couple weeks ago where a client went on, I think, a second or a third date with a guy that she was really enjoying, having a great connection with, and he said something that really threw her off. He said I'm really enjoying getting to know you. You're amazing. Our connection is great, but I'm at a stage in my life where I just want to move really slow before we dive in too quickly. And she came on the mastermind freaking out. Oh my God, this guy said he wants to move really slow. What do I do? He's clearly not interested in me. And I said, that's funny because that's basically exactly what we teach you to tell the guy, because we have this very important little love step called Little Love Step Number We'll repace the progression of our connections because we know based on science that if we dive in too quickly, then guess what? The relationship will blow up within 3 weeks to 3 months. So move slow. All he's done is kind of beat you to the punch. He just said it a little bit fast. The, the best response to that is, you know what, I totally agree. That makes a lot of sense. Let's move slowly and let's really set ourselves up for success. Simple.

Yeah, you know, couldn't be better, right? That mission accomplished, right? Like, yeah. And I would say to that guy, yeah, great, we're completely aligned, let's go.

Um, that's it. But instead, instead she went into, understandably, kind of the analysis paralysis of why would he say that, what's going on, what's wrong with me. And it's like, maybe there's nothing wrong with you. Maybe he's actually just really serious about being in a healthy relationship and doesn't want to dive in too quickly. He really wants to set himself up for success. Yeah, right.

He sounds smart, and maybe she hasn't been, you know, accustomed to dating these kinds of guys in the past, but—

and then it's a little acclimation period, right? Yeah, she's admittedly really bad at pacing, so— and she would say this and she would agree if she's listening to this right now. You know I'm talking to you right now, client. Um, I won't say your name, but that's okay. That means he's pacing her, and let's get aligned.

I think it's great. So our last simple test, again, a mental model, something to kind of just mentally think through to help you figure out, again, is this person worth spending my time with? Do we have long-term potential? Is this guy the one? Something I called, because I know Adam, you love alliteration, bunker buddies. Bunker buddies. Love it. And so imagine we have another pandemic. Okay, now if that hits too— if that hits too close to home, imagine the world is in chaos and you need to head to your bunker. Okay, is that better? That still might hit too close to home. Um, okay, so just then imagine you're going to go on a little mini vacation retreat, no tech. You're gonna go full-on monk mode, away from the world, retreat in the wild, off the grid. No internet, no TikTok, none of that stuff. Okay? You just have to spend time with the person you're with and just live. Now, who would you take with you? Would this guy be a good person to take with you? Are they good at conversation? Are they supportive? Are they going to be enough fun? Are they going to be reliable and capable? Are they going to do what they say they're supposed to do? Because if you really think about it, all these qualities in this kind of off-grid bunker mentality, like, these are the qualities of long-term love. This is the— these are the qualities you want to have in somebody. Somebody you can just kind of spend a boring Tuesday afternoon with and like, do we get along? Do we enjoy each other's company? Because that's long-term relationships. It's not always these amazing Bachelor-esque dates. It's actually just life, and life sometimes is just a little mundane. And so can you imagine yourself doing these types of things with this person? If so, fantastic, green flags all the way. If not, something to reassess.

Definitely. So everyone, please use these tests and use them honestly when you're interacting with a guy, because we all know that when you meet that man who's charming, who's funny, who's interesting, we can get very much so blinded By the Chemistry. These tests are designed to help you understand, are we compatible? Do we have long-term potential here? Because that's all we do around here at Love Strategies, this entire organization. We are focused on helping you win in your love life, finding that person, and being able to keep a long-lasting relationship, not just for the short term but for the rest of your life. So if this has been helpful for you, then as the next step, what I recommend you do is head on over to loveapply.com. We'll leave a link in the description. This is where you can schedule a complimentary Love Strategy session with someone on my team who— they're kind, they're compassionate, they're empathetic. They're going to understand your situation as best they can, understand where it is that you want to go in your love life, and it will create a strategy for you. If you decide that you want to work with us in our Executive Love Coaching program, we'd be happy to welcome you to that. And then you can work with Dr. Gary, the rest of the coaches, uh, myself, and be able to really be a part of this incredible community. So again, if that's something you want to be a part of, just head on over to loveapply.com. We do have just a limited number of spots available to book that session, or click that link in the description. Gary, you're the best. For all of you who are listening right now, thank you for being so intentional in your love life. You're gonna find your person this year. We cannot wait to walk with you on that journey.

All right, speak soon. Bye-bye. Thanks, Bunker Buddy.