7 “Nice” Things Guys Do That Are Actually Red Flags

All right, so before we get to the podcast, we do not run any ads on this podcast and never will. All we ask in return, if you enjoy the podcast, please give it a review wherever it is that you listen to it. Just tap that bar, give us whatever star you want to give us, and leave that review. We really appreciate it. It helps us out a lot and helps us spread a little love that I think the world needs. All right, let's get to the podcast. So in today's podcast, we're going to be discussing the 7 seemingly nice things that guys do that are actually red flags. Because I get it, you meet a guy, he's cool, he's charismatic, he's romantic, you hit it off immediately, the sparks are flying, you're getting those good morning, good night texts, the compliments, all of that stuff. But in the end, are some of these actually red flags? So Gary and I are going to be jumping into this. Gary, this would be a good topic for, I think, a lot of the audience to listen into.

I think women want to date— I think everybody, right? I mean, everybody wants to date somebody that's cool. And so you want to be cool, you want to be interesting, you want to be like a little, like, like, give you a little wonder. But you also— I think for women, and I hear this from clients a lot, is they want to make sure he's a nice guy and not a jerk. And so what I like about what we're talking about today is these are like nice guy red flags, in the sense that nice guys will do this and they'll do it authentically. But guys who are— we'll call them just wrong guys also do some of these things, and it's not a great sign. And so we're going to do for listeners today what I feel like we do all the time for our clients, which is just a little reality testing, because we don't know for sure why a guy's doing anything most of the time, right? But it's— let's just make sure we're being as thorough and thoughtful about each of these behaviors, because sometimes these are perfectly good, benign, helpful, positive things And other times it's like, it's a move. It's a thing that this guy's doing, man. Just watch out.

Yeah. Yeah. There are some guys, they know the rule book. There's some guys actually, I just went to a conference last week in Mexico and there are a bunch of coaches there and I'm certainly not going to name names, but there were some dating coaches for men there. And I was walking by a conversation that one of these dating coaches for men was having with just some woman. And he was explaining what he does, and he was also kind of doing it to her because he was clearly trying to hit on her. And the whole time I had to stop and listen. I'm like, dude, I know your rule book, I know what you're doing. I used to coach men. We didn't coach any of that garbage, but like, come on. And I know you're complimenting her, you're touching her, you're doing all these things, yada yada yada. I'm sure you're coming off as a really nice, trusting guy, But I know what you're doing, man. I like, I like want to jump in and be like her big brother and just be like, hey, what's your intentions with this woman?

Yeah, gosh, you should have done that.

I don't know if you know, but I'm a love coach for women, so back off, buddy. I know, I know your tricks.

What are your intentions?

What are your intentions? Because I know what they are. I want you to verbalize them, man. Say it. Come on, what are you trying to do?

That's the thing, right? Like, some guys do know their ways and how to appear like— we'll kindly say appear like something they may not be. And so for women, I think one of the big mistakes, and it's a common one, but it's they fall for this guy, but they're not really falling for him. They're really falling for the thought of him. Yeah, who they think he is, who they think he can be, who they hope he may someday become. And as we say all the time, hope isn't a strategy. And so we want to make sure our clients and our listeners aren't talking themselves into a guy just because he did one or two seemingly nice things that aren't really as nice as what they look like at first. And I think that, you know, important caveat to throw out before we get into these things is all dating, and it's all about information. Like, we don't have information, so we're gathering information. And so with that information comes varying levels of risk. Some things make guys, a certain guy, a little riskier. Some things make him a little less riskier. And so we want you to think about risk on a continuum as a few clicks to the right is more risky, a few clicks to the left is less risky. Not that, oh my God, this guy I'm with just did this thing that Adam and Gary said. I hate him. He's dead to me. It's over. Like, let's not go that far. It's a, I should look more into this. Not, oh, he did this thing. He's 100% a creep.

Yeah, that's why actually, like, at Love Strategies with our clients, we very rarely use the word red flag. We prefer to use relationship risk because it is a continuum, and there's not just like one thing that if you see this of the list we're about to give you, that is the end of the world. It just increases the risk scale. And in fact, you want to think about any guy in the early stages is kind of like investing in the stock market, right? Risk versus reward. And how risky is he to get involved in? You want to have that information knowing it's a risk, but we still might move forward with in. It doesn't mean like, oh, we saw this one risk, we're out. So you really think of it a risk versus reward continuum, and then it allows you to move forward with the right amount of optimism or the right amount of caution when you're dating someone.

Cool. So let's, let's get into it. So here are things that guys do that seem good but may be red flags, may increase the risk. First one, coming in hot. This is like one of the biggest things— the early 'I love you,' right? Couple, couple dates in, it's the 'I love you,' 'I'm starting to fall for you,' 'I'm starting to fall in love with you.' And so every time we talk about this on a mastermind or in any context with women, we would say the early 'I love you,' you got to watch out for the immediate next question. The million-dollar question is, well, what counts as early? And the answer to this, of course, is anything before 36.3 days. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. That's just— I'm making that up, right? But like, I think that's what people want to know, is like, wait, what's the exact window where it's okay that it's not too early but it's also not too late? Because the late 'I love you' is also a major concern. All of which is to say, let's not worry specifically about the exact timing, just if it feels early. And I will say, what's early? Within the first 3 dates, for sure. That's like way too early. But beyond that, it's all about the emotional intimacy you have. And so the thing to watch out for is the guy who cheaply is trying to accelerate the perception of closeness by throwing out the early 'I love you.' It's like he's trying to skip the line essentially and jump to the front of like, 'No, no, we're a lot closer than we actually are because I said I love you.' And if you're not watching out for it, it can be like, 'He loves me.' 'Yeah, this is exactly what I wanted,' which it's not what you think a lot of times.

The way I look at it is, yeah, there is like an average amount of time. On average, it's about 3 months for men. Typically, men do say 'I love you' first. And in fact, a lot of studies show that men actually fall in love faster than women, depending on how you define love and all of that. We won't go into that. But what I would say is it's early if the 'I love you' is unearned. Like, if he couldn't possibly love you because he doesn't know you yet, you have your answer, right? And that's true for many things. Like, if a man is complimenting you within 10 minutes of meeting you and saying, "You're the funniest person I've ever met," oh my God, it feels early because you haven't earned it yet. You know, now if you've been with someone for 3, 5 dates and they say, "Wow, you're the funniest person I've ever met," okay, great, I probably earned that. I've said some jokes, pretty great, it's good. And same thing with love, right? Like, the love is a very strong word and it means a lot. And how could you possibly love someone if you just met them 2 weeks ago? It's just not realistic. So that's the way I always look about it, is whether or not this feels like it's earned at this point, and the, the deep intimate conversations have gotten there to the point where it feels like, you know, you guys are on the same wavelength there.

Yeah, I think it's a little easier to fall for this, or get tripped up by it, I should say, if you're connection-starved or attention-starved, right? If you're just not used to people saying nice things, you know, the early 'I love you,' you actually don't register it as unearned. You just— it's like, 'Oh yes,' like, 'Oh, thank— like, finally someone. Yes, this is what I've been looking for.' And so it's just something you have to be aware of, right? That not every early 'I love you' is actually well-intended, I think. I think another one that falls into the same category of, you know, if you're a little attention or connection deprived, is it seems nice, it's a nice guy kind of thing to do, is like dropping everything for the relationship. This is the guy who puts everything in his life on hold for you and the relationship. I'll admit, when I first met my wife, I did this in a very small way. I should have been studying for my GREs, which I had the next day, and instead I went on a date which I promised myself was going to be short And it was not. And I didn't get sleep and I didn't study and it was still the best decision of my life. But I look back, I'm like, whew, that was a little, that's, was probably not the best move.

Like it doesn't, it was a micro moment. I mean, that became a pattern where you're like not helping your grandma, you know, every day at the nursing home. That's a different story.

Okay. Well, thanks buddy. I appreciate the support.

I got you, man.

You made it here.

I'm really glad you met your wife. So, all right.

I like it. But I think it's like, you'll see these guys. Who they put work to the side, they put everything— they don't hang out with their friends. He's available to meet with you pretty much any time that you want or need. And it, on some level, like, this is great, he's making me a priority and it's really easy. But it's like, wait a second, he's got nothing else going on, right? It's a little suspicious. Like, he shouldn't want to ignore work and he should have some other things going on in his life.

One of—

every once in a while on one of our masterminds, so we do like these classes during the week and we get to have questions and things. This is quite a little while ago, but it sticks out in my mind because it's one of the only times I had a little bit of a heated debate on, on a mastermind between clients. And it was a client who was disappointed that this guy was not dropping everything with his kids to spend time with her.

Oh yeah.

And so she was like, he just isn't showing up for me in the way that I want. And everyone else is like, no, no, no, that's actually a good sign. He cares about his kids and has other priorities. Which I will admit, wholeheartedly agree with the second version. And so, which is to say, when a guy's willing to drop his kids, not pay attention to his responsibilities for you, it feels nice and in some ways, but hard no.

Yeah, well, it also goes to show that he's very easily swayed from his priorities. So right now you might be the priority, he's leaving his kids by the wayside, but in 5 years maybe you're no longer the priority and he's willing to just drop you like a hot potato as well. So it's like, to me, a man who sticks to his guns— or a person, it could be man or woman, whatever— who says, look, my kids are my priority because they're my kids, you're a boyfriend— like, and you could say it a lot kinder than that— to me is a very high-character way of thinking about the world. And I've gotten into this same debate, and dude, it was like battling with everyone. And I'm like, yeah, I wholeheartedly agree with this man that his children are his number one priority for the rest of his life. Sorry, you're a girlfriend, get over it.

It split the room. It was weird.

Yeah, it does. It's fascinating, one of those things. But you know, it's like, just the higher level a guy is, the more laser-focused he, he will be on his priorities. And the less malleable he'll be. Like, I spend a lot of time with guys that are considered to be very elite people in their life, and their level of intention on their priorities is very strong. And they're not the type who will just meet a woman and drop all other priorities. Like, they'll work her into— and work them— work that person into their life, and then over time that person becomes a part of their priorities. But it's not just like, oh my God, I went on a date with this woman, I'm no longer going to focus on my business, my health, my kids or anything like that. No, high-level people don't do that.

You know what that sounds like? That sounds very responsible, stable, and reliable to have that approach. All things that are great for long-term relationships, by the way. Whereas the, like, I'll drop everything in my life and make you everything— that's a little romantic, but that's not really long-term sustainable. And so that's— you got to keep your eye on what your goals really are.

Exactly. So the third one is the guy who's all about sweeping you off your feet. And it's like, I get it, it's the ultimate romantic move. It's right out of The Bachelor, or Gary, my favorite show, which is Love Is Blind. You know, Gary, we love that show, don't we?

Love it.

It's the big moves, the grand gestures. It's so sweet, you can't help but be impressed. But the only problem with all of this is that this really can be love bombing. It is a game that men will play when they're trying to be manipulative and often just trying to sleep with you even sooner. It could be just any way possible. On the first date, he's bringing you a massive bouquet of flowers, or he's trying to just overdo every step of the process. And in many ways, this is something you want to be quite cautious of early on.

Yeah, and I think the one that has been a hot topic lately in our masterminds And I don't know if it's just the season and maybe because, I don't know, guys offering trips. It's, you're amazing, I want to take you somewhere. And one of our clients had a guy literally with a yacht who kept offering to take her on the yacht to go travel to this island and go travel to that island. And it's like every time she turned him down, he offered a better trip. And that, I get it, is really hard to turn down, and it's really hard not to be impressed by that. But those seemingly nice offers are usually strings-attached offers. And luckily she checked in with everybody. Like we said at the beginning, it's like a— we're really helpful with reality testing and checking in with everybody. It's like, wait a second, this is odd that right off the bat it's like, come on my yacht. It's, it's actually slightly dangerous. Let's just call that what it is. Like, go on a yacht with some guy you don't know that well to unexplored waters. I mean, who knows? It's— but it's— it can be appealing and it seems nice, but it's very red flaggy.

So one thing you'll hear a lot on the podcast is us mentioning the 7 Little Love Steps. These are 7 powerful yet simple steps that you can take in your love life to attract that man that lasts for the rest of your life. So if you don't know the 7 Little Love Steps, then I have a free training for you. It's completely free. Just head on over to thelovesteps.com. You can go through that virtual training. I think you're gonna really enjoy it and get a lot out of it and understand our exact framework for attracting that relationship you truly deserve. Again, that's thelovesteps.com. All right, back to the pod. Never underestimate what men will do to get laid. Never underestimate it, okay? Like, truly. And guys will go— I mean, I've had clients who will say Oh my God, on our second date, he wants to have me over and he's cooking me a 3-course dinner. It's going to be a gourmet dinner. He's gotten a really top bottle of wine, this type of wine I've been talking about. It's so sweet. And I think I'm gonna go. And I'm like, I know what he's doing.

Yeah, yeah, don't go.

No, no, no, no. Oh, he's just trying to have you over, just drink a glass of wine, have candlelit Come on, come on. Like, I know I'm being the romance killer, and you know, that's sweet and that's wonderful, and it's even more wonderful when someone does that when it's an exclusive, committed relationship and it's leading towards a lifelong commitment. That's wonderful. I want you to have that. But man, a second date, dude, come on.

Yeah, timing is everything. Timing is everything. And it's— I have recently just had a client who she was talking about She— I'm telling you what she had. She had something that she mentioned her profile, like a collection of some sort. And this guy, she's like, it's the first time a guy has ever been really interested in my— I forget what it was. I'll say a collection of antique plates. He was really interested in my collection of antique plates, and he asked if he could come over to see them. I'm like, nope, nope, this guy is not interested in antique plates at all. Sorry. Like, I was like, Big Brother Gary, like, nope. Just not happening. He's— this guy, no guy is that into antique plates that he wants to visit your apartment just to see antique plates.

Oh my God, I'm just picturing like 23-year-old me who's like, yeah, I would— I really want to see those plates. Are they in your bedroom? Maybe we could—

this is why it's so— and our clients say this all the time too. It's like they'll say like, gosh, it's so helpful to have this male perspective of like how guys think. Because, you know, we really kind of give the behind the scenes, what's actually happening. It's sometimes hard to see, but—

well, and for clients who haven't dated, if you've been married for 30 years and then you're divorced or widowed and starting to date again, you just kind of forget all the BS that guys do to get laid. Like, you just kind of forget all of it, honestly, until you get burned a few times. Then you become a little bit more aware of it. But man, oh man, just as a guy, I just That's how my brain works, and that's how all guys— now, it doesn't mean that every guy does that in a manipulative way, but when a guy wants to sleep with a woman, he will put in a lot of effort in order to sleep with a woman. And that's an awful— not even awful, that's just a reality of dating. It doesn't mean that he doesn't have other intentions as well. He could also be very interested in a relationship. It's just when he's first starting to date, men are going to be very sex-focused. And as a woman, to protect yourself through this process so we don't get too emotionally involved with a guy too quickly— we're the gatekeepers, and we got to be aware and call out that BS and be like, hey, let's slow this thing down and obviously move forward when it's appropriate.

And I think a lot of it too is you kind of expect some of these behaviors from 20-year-old guys. And like, when you're in your 20s, like, oh yeah, guys will do and say anything, whatever. But it's, you know, a lot of our clients are 30s, 40s, on up through their 70s, and it's like you just don't think that the older guys have the same motivations and things, but I think all guys are mentally 19, right, when it comes to a lot of this stuff. Well, the gestures become more grand because they just have more money to pull it off, right? And so it's— I don't think guys, when it comes to this, change all that much. But so another nice thing, and I know our clients love this, that seems super nice, that it's like, well, are we sure, is the constant checking in. Constant checking in is the good morning, good night text, right? And it's like, oh, he, he, he wished me a good morning every morning. Good morning text. Good night. Okay, let's just call this what it is. This is super easy. Like, let's not be super impressed with what is an extremely low effort move. And the constant checking in— this is another one of those things I've been saying a lot lately, which is the dosage determines the poison. You want someone to check in, but if he's checking in all the time, like constantly throughout the day, it's a bit much. It's like too much. And it's— it seems sweet when he's like, what you up to? Who you hanging out with? But that can quickly turn into, you know— and I've heard clients say this too— guy sends her a text, you're not cheating on me, are you? Oh God, bad, right? Like, this starts to be this constant checking in. It goes from sweet to controlling really fast. And in all seriousness, this is a— one of those gateway kinds of behaviors to something in the literature we talk about as excessive vigilance, which is a method of control over somebody else that can be a major problem in relationships and is one of those signals of abusive situations. And so we want to be really careful about like checking in, sweet messages, value, but like monitoring our whereabouts, our whoabouts, like who we're hanging out with. That starts crossing a line to very red flag territory.

Big time. And you see a lot of these qualities come out in a man when a woman is in what we call Little Love Step #5, where we're pacing the progression of the connections, we're slowing things down, we're also talking to other guys, exploring dates with other guys before we go exclusive with one man. And what can happen is you go out with a guy a couple times and you're also exploring other connections, and that guy will text you on a Saturday night and you say, yeah, I'm busy, I'm just out with some other people, or I'm out with someone else. And it doesn't— you don't even have to say you're dating anyone else. Like, he doesn't— he hasn't earned that information yet because you're not exclusive. And these guys sometimes will go bonkers, you know? Like, if you've gone out with a guy one time, two times, on two dates, and he's going crazy about you being out with someone else, yeah, he might assume it's a date or doesn't know it's a date, whatever. Like, you don't owe him that information. But if he's going cuckoo over that, run for the hills, right? Like, that is— it's not even remotely appropriate at that stage for him to be doing that. If it's somewhere in the middle between cuckoo and like being totally cool with it, like, you can set a clear boundary and say like, look, I have a life outside of this connection. I'm, I'm out with other people right now. I'll talk to you tomorrow. But if he continues to overstep those boundaries, that is going to be the worst relationship of your life. That's going to be the type of person who wants to control everything you do, that cannot handle their own emotional volatility, and is highly, highly jealous. So be very aware. And unfortunately, in Little Love Step 5, a lot of clients will see this come to fruition with a guy that they were really excited about, and ultimately it became too risky to continue to be involved with that guy.

Yeah, the worst case scenario is the guy who's super controlling, but it's also a sign of insecure attachment, which is a whole other thing that you don't really want to spend all of your time assuring an anxiously attached guy that like, this is real, I really do like you, I'm not really with other people. And if you've ever dated somebody who's insecurely attached, it's just— it wears you down. Like, it's so exhausting to constantly reassure somebody who's really just conjuring up, you know, ghosts in their head about what to worry about next. It's tough. And basically what happens after a little while, if you're secure, you're dating somebody, you give up. And so, you know, save yourself the trouble, right?

Amen. Do you want to take us to the next one, Gary?

Sure. Number 5, this is a quick one. This is the nice guy thing. He starts buying you stuff, and he's buying you clothes and other things, and he's kind of like helping to curate your look a little bit, right? A guy who buys you stuff, especially nice stuff, right? He's buying you like nice sunglasses, jewelry, jacket, maybe some new aloe yoga set to work out in, right? This all sounds awesome. Sounds, you know, like who doesn't like nice gifts, expensive gifts? But it's all kind of about your appearance, and it's all kind of about your look. And so it can start off as gifts, and then it can start to be negative commentary about what you're wearing, how you look, you know, what your fits are. Like, you know, are you really looking ready to go out? Like, are you sure? Are you sure? Are you wearing that really? Like, is that okay? And it's also like one of those things of gradually establishing a pattern of control over you're going to look how I would like you to look and trying to mold you into some ideal, which And again, a guy buys you a nice pair of sunglasses, it doesn't mean like he's terrible and all that stuff. But let's just watch. Let's, let's be careful and notice the potential risk. We ultimately want our guys and our partners to love us for who we are, not what we look like, and not want to constantly change us, even in some of these really subtle ways.

This story is giving me PTSD in my own life. I just— I got to tell you about something that, that has happened. It happened 9 years ago, and it just happened like 3 months ago. So when I first started dating, I— maybe 5 months in, 6 months or whatever— I was like, I'm gonna buy her some jewelry. So I bought her— and you know my wife— I bought her a pearl necklace. I was very excited about it, and she was like, oh, thank you. Yeah, I appreciate it, but like, I've never worn pearls.

I can't imagine. She doesn't seem like a pearl girl.

She's not I don't know what was I thinking. So then I was like, hey, look, let's just return it because this thing was like really expensive. And this is like the beginning of now I was getting out of like honeymoon to like now we're just like cool, like in a relationship. So we ended up returning it and I, I don't know, she bought something else that I wasn't even a part of. And then our 10-year anniversary just came up and I'm like, I'm gonna go for it again.

Like, if at first you don't succeed, try to fail again.

And she, she's told me so many times like, don't buy me jewelry, like just don't do it because like I'm very particular about my jewelry. I bought a gold necklace. I was so excited, and it was like literally PTSD. It was the same— it was like laughable at the time because she's like, oh, this is so nice.

So it didn't go well again? No, didn't take.

We ended up going back to Nordstrom's and returning it, and she ended up buying a watch. So long story short, this technique would not work on my wife, trying to control her.

So, well, good for you for giving it another try. I was kind of hoping for your sake that the second try was meant as like a little bit of a joke, but No, that's okay.

No, like I really went for it because I've been thinking about that for like 9 years. I'm like, I think I'll get it right this time. And I really didn't. So on my 20th anniversary, I'm going for it again.

Give it another 10 years and I'm sure nothing will change.

No, absolutely nothing will change. Absolutely. So I hope that doesn't paint Jessica in a negative light. She's very kind about it and very sweet about it, but I know her well enough to know when she doesn't like something.

I feel like I could just see her face like, oh, nice.

No. Why did you buy this? You spent what on a necklace for me? What are you thinking?

Number 6 way nice guy kind of thing that might be a red flag is putting you on a pedestal, right? And so this is the guy who hyped you up. You're too perfect for me. You're an angel. You're not like any other person I've met. He thinks you're the best ever. And again, this sounds great. Like, we want our partner to think we're amazing. Maybe not too soon. This is another person— this is also a person who thinks you're so amazing, doesn't want to have arguments, and it's like we need to have this, this perfection thing going on. And again, this sounds in some ways to many people ideal, but one of the things we know from research on what people are looking for in relationships is we like positivity early, but that eventually shifts to accuracy. And the problem is if your partner keeps hyping you up to such great levels and put you on that pedestal, you have this sneaking suspicion— actually, it's really a sense of terror— because you know eventually they're going to figure out you're not who they think you are. You're not this perfect— you're not an angel at all times. You are like other people. And so it creates a ton of pressure, and it's a lot to live up to. And when you start feeling that pressure, it makes you want to distance yourself a little bit so that they don't find this out about you. And so it's very counterproductive.

Yeah, and it's just, it's a risk as well because, you know, especially even early on, if someone's doing this really heavily, you know that that will fade eventually. And how are they going to look at you? I mean, it's like once the, all the endorphin, all the norepinephrine, all of the love chemicals kind of wear off after 3 months, you know, like, this thing's real, man. They're not seeing me for who I am at this point. And so if a guy is doing that he's a little bit delusional. Like, if you think about it, like, he's getting so lost in love at the beginning, which I get it, like, we all do that to some degree. But if they're doing it way over the top and they're not even remotely in line with the reality, now we're getting into red flag territory because they're just like, you know, the shoe's gonna drop at some point. Give it 3 to 6 months and then this guy's gonna be like, oh wait, you're not actually perfect, you're not actually an angel, because no one is.

Yeah, it's unrealistic expectation for sure.

Unrealistic.

So the last one, the last thing nice guys do that are actually red flags— I save this for last because this is like a really good grand finale one. And so rather than tell you what it is, I'm going to tell you what a client told me to describe this experience. And so she said on a recent mastermind, she said, I'm dating a guy who plans all kinds of fun stuff— concerts, art events, poetry readings, axe throwing, bowling. I've even met some of his friends. Every time his friends are cool, we hang out. It's amazing. These are her words: some of the best dates I have ever had. He's super fun. And I'm listening to this, and maybe you are too, and thinking, okay, what's the problem? And then she said, but here's the problem. I realized after weeks of hanging out with this guy— and I think at this point she'd gone on like 7 or 8 dates with him, so that's— she's in the months of knowing this guy. She goes, I realized I don't really know him at all. And so this is number 7. This is the nice guy thing. It's like he's full, full-time fun. He's what I call a master dater, right? He's so good at dating. He— master dater, dater. Yeah, enunciate the D. Master dater.

Sorry, I'm my little boy here.

That's that 19-year-old guy thing, right?

Yes, there it is.

And so it's fun, like it's amazing, and like you get swept up and there's momentum, and it's like you've spent time together, and like spending time together and having fun feels like connection, but here it's actually not. And so the good thing was she realized it, because it's something that's really easy to miss. And so what we have to make sure when we're dating these master daters is, do we like them as a person, or do we just like all the fun stuff we're doing together? Do I really know who he is as a person? And in some ways, more importantly, does he really even know or care who I am as a person? Or is he just really good at dating, right?

Well, and this is why I think long-distance relationships, once they move to the next level and people like move in together and finally live in the same city, they can fall apart very quickly because they've never experienced what it's like to just have a boring day together. You know, like if you're— if he lives in California, you live in New York City, and you're just traveling there for a weekend and it's like packed with all this fun stuff, amazing sex, you're doing stuff all the time, yada yada yada yada, You can be with someone for a year and be like, oh my God, this is perfect. But then you move in together, then they leave the cabinet doors open. You have a boring day where you have nothing to do. You're just hanging out on the couch. You know, someone farts and before you know it, you're like, it's just a normal, boring old day. You're kind of like, you don't actually even know the person, what they're really like. And so like, I'm all for emotional experiences, which is like ax throwing, bowling, all that stuff. But also, it's very important to just have some dates where it's kind of boring, where you're just spending some time together. And it could just be going for a walk. To me, that would be a very boring date, but go for a walk together for an hour, see how the conversation flows. Go do an errand together, see what that's like.

Just like spend time together where you actually have to talk. Yeah, because I think so much of this just really strikes me as someone, a guy who's intimidated by emotional vulnerability basically is packing the schedule full of fun experiences and constant activity as a way to deflect away from actual emotional vulnerability.

Because it could just be fun.

I mean, it could be.

Yeah.

Like, at some point, like, after you've done fun stuff with somebody, like, don't you want to, like, actually get to know them? I feel like it's like this super weird guy genius way to date and keep people at arm's length without seeming like that's what you're trying to do.

Okay, I'll meet you in the middle, which is if he's not willing to do something boring together, then he's deflecting, right? Like, he could just be doing all this to just like keep up the fun and the energy, but if you suggest something that is a little bit more lame and boring, just to talk, and he's not willing to do that, okay, I'm with you on the deflecting. He's a one— he's a one-trick pony.

And I think it's a matter of just how long is— you know, the first couple of dates are fun, exciting. Yeah. Great, you're in like date 5, 6, 7, and it's just all fun stuff without any connecting, like really getting to know each other kind of thing. Then it's like, what's going on here? And I think it's a simple fix. And let's give them the benefit of the doubt, maybe it's not deflecting. Let's say, let's suggest, you know, a walk in the park or something where we can just chat and really get to know each other.

Exactly. So we've talked about a lot today, and I just want everyone to hopefully take away one or two things that you can think about when you first start dating a guy and just start to assess a little bit of risk. Again, if you see 1 or 2 of these things, it's not the end of the world. Even if you see all 7 of these, it's not the end of the world. It just gives you a focus area so you can assess how risky is it to get involved with this guy. What we're trying to do with these podcasts is just give you a little bit of an insight into the male mind, because we know how these noggins work, because we happen to have some of them. So go out there, go have a little bit of fun. Don't overanalyze these. Please don't in the sense that, oh my God, this is the end of the world if a guy has one of these, 1 or 2 of these things.. But just use these as tools in your toolkit as you're dating so you can be a little more intentional with your love life. Gary, that was fantastic. Thanks for your time, buddy.

All right, thanks, Adam.

So now you've reached the end of the podcast. Thank you so much for being here. And because you have proven that you are serious about attracting love— you wouldn't be listening to this podcast if you didn't feel that way— what I'd love for you to do is go to loveapply.com where you can apply for a complimentary love strategy session where a professional love strategist on my team is going to speak with you directly and be able to see whether or not our Executive Love Coaching programs can be transformational for you and your love life. There's absolutely no fee whatsoever. All you got to do is head on over to loveapply.com, schedule that session, and you could be speaking with someone on my team over the next couple days. All right, thanks so much. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.