Are You A Walking Red Flag? Here are 7 Signs

So today we are going to be flipping the script. Rather than the same old podcast about watch out for his red flags, we are going to be talking about, are you, my beautiful ladies, a walking red flag? Gary, this is going to be an interesting one. I'm excited for this, though.

I love it. It's so true. I love this idea of kind of turning the perspective back upon yourself because It's empowering, right? Like, if you are—

we—

let's be honest, Adam, you've got some red flags. I know I've got some red flags. Like, we all have them to some degree.

I'm all green flags, dude. 100%. Sorry, I don't know what you're talking about, man. I will learn that I'm a walking red flag.

I was gonna say, like, if you don't think you have red flags, you're colorblind, because like, there's just like— everyone's got them. And so I think it— there's something to be said for just a little bit of ownership because there are some sneaky things that you're doing that you think are helpful, that you think are like, this is really good, but it doesn't always land that way with men. And so that's what we're talking about today.

I will say, it's— if you don't think you have a red flag, that in itself is kind of a red flag, you know? Like, and it's not to say like we need to analyze ourselves to kill our confidence to a certain degree, but like— and the The thing is, these red flags, they're not a life sentence, okay? Like, it doesn't mean that you are forever going to be living with these red flags. You're actually going to be totally within your power to work on these things, and it's going to give you a massive payoff in your love life. So that's kind of the framing that we're going to be bringing to this conversation today. I'm excited for it.

Yeah, I mean, there's a certain kind of client that I really enjoy working with. I mean, enjoy working with all of them, but there's the ones that come in full of excuses or reasons why things aren't working. There aren't any men where I live. There are no decent guys in the world anymore. Online dating sucks. It's this time of year is bad. This time of my life, that's bad. It's my age. It's the day of the week. It's the alignment of the planets. It's, you know, what I ate for breakfast. It's red dye number 40. It's like there's like a thousand reasons and things.

What's the result, man? You can't afford those anymore.

Like there's just a million reasons of things it could be, but it's not any of those things. It never is. But it's like, that's an easy problem to fix, right? And it's like from working with hundreds and thousands of women solving these problems, I've seen it happen where it's like, you know what? And it's like, I'll even say this to them directly. It's like, there's no real easy way for me to say this. But it might be you. Like, it might be something you are doing. And so that's, that's a little bit of what we're talking about today.

Yeah. And I, I think it's just so empowering. So some people don't look at it this way, but I do. And I've just seen it as a coach in that when you fully accept that you're the common denominator of all your problems in life, you're now in the position to fix it. Right? If, if you, if you're constantly pushing ownership to other people and just looking for all the videos on the internet that just reinforce the messaging that all men are the problem, that you are great, you're perfect, you're beautiful. It's actually really disempowering. That it, it might make you feel good when you're watching the video, but then you feel like crap when you go on 3 dates and they don't work out, and you think to yourself, what's wrong with me? You know, so like going through this exercise, as sometimes painful in the short term it might be, it does set you up for long-term success. And I think that's true in many areas of our life where we tell ourselves these stories that just make us feel good, but it's actually harming us long term.

Yeah, I think sometimes people— I mean, one of the terms I've heard clients use that is essentially saying, I'm a walking red flag, but they say it with like a little bit of pride almost, which is, you know, right now I'm kind of just a hot mess express. I'm like, okay, no, fairly good. Like, that is like the first— like, okay, let's recognize that, but like, let's not necessarily just so easily accept that as our state of being forever, right? And I think that is really what we're after is, you know, we can focus on what's doing, doing what's right. And we do that a lot in these podcasts. But I also think there's a lot of mileage, there's a lot of return on investment that you can get from just getting rid of some of the big things that you're doing wrong. And so what I want to just kind of throw out there before we start diving into these is don't get discouraged. Everybody has these things. Every single thing that we're going to talk about today is completely fixable. And I think there's just something infinitely empowering about being able to look at yourself. You're like, you know what, that's an area for improvement. That's an area of potential growth. That's something I can work on. Now you're taking control of that and it can't control you anymore. And I think there's something really important with that.

That's true. And I think it's something you mentioned is focusing on what you can remove from your life. Like we talk a lot about this with our clients, like addition by subtraction. And it's a really helpful exercise in any area of your life when you're struggling. Most people default to, what can I add to my life? What can I do more of? So like if someone's trying to lose weight, most people are like, well, I need to exercise more, right? That's like usually some— there's— it's always an addition of new things, addition by addition. But actually the correct answer typically for losing weight— I'm no health expert over here— is What can I stop doing that's making me gain weight? You know, stop eating. What can I remove from my life in order to get the result I want? I think the same thing is in our love life. Same thing is in your career. There's probably a lot of things that you're actively doing that's sabotaging you career-wise rather than be like, well, what, what more can I do? You know? So it's a good frame of reference to be thinking about, not just in your love life, but in every area.

Sir, are you saying no more Twizzlers after midnight? Is that bad?

Ah, we can't do it. The red dye, man. Also the red stuff, you know. Quick side note, I have a really good friend. You know her actually. She's, uh, yeah, you've met her. I don't want to say her name on the pod, but, uh, she's— she eats Sour Patch Kids, but she won't eat the red ones now. She'll like leave the bag, like as if that's the problem.

It's the red dye.

It's not the Sour Patch Kids. She'll eat like entire bag of them, like pure sugar. But now the red dye thing, I don't know, it's, it's hilarious.

I'm extremely healthy. It's like having a Diet Coke with your, uh, Happy Meal. We're good, we're good now, we're good.

Totally healthy, totally healthy.

Her not eating the red sour— I don't know if that's a full walking red flag, um, but so I think it is important before we dive into these two, everybody knows what a red flag is, but like what makes something a walking red flag? And I think what makes in a walking red flag is it comes from a really good place. It's something that you don't necessarily see as a problem. It's something you're doing for a good reason. You're trying to actually do the right thing, maybe based on somebody else's advice or some other value system or wherever it's coming from, but you're trying to do the right thing. And it's seemingly innocent. It's kind of like a happy thing, but you're not realizing what guys are seeing it as, and I think that's what makes it a red flag. And so that's what we're talking about. So we got 7 of these to go through. I hope you stick around. The last one is there as the grand finale because it's absolutely my favorite. So hopefully you stick around at the end.

All right, Gary, you can do the last one. I'll do the first one, which is the 'can you even handle me' mentality. How about that? You like my snaps?

I like the snaps.

Can you even handle me? You know, it's that type of energy on a date where, you know, you bring so much and it's trying to be confident. And I get it, like, you be you, boo. Like, you go for it, you do your thing. But the thing is, this can sound really confident, but it can also signal a lot of insecurity. It's a level of fake confidence. Like, I'm sure a lot of women listening to this, you've gone out with guys who, they have that fake tough guy act right? They're trying so hard to be confident that it comes off as superficial, and it just screams this level of insecurity. And so the same thing can happen with men when a woman has this kind of energy, which is like, can you even handle me? Like, let's go. Guys are wondering, like, what am I going to even need to handle?

Yeah, I'll tell you the other thing that guys think. I think there's a little bit of like this can you handle me mentality is also a little bit of like Oh my gosh, she sounds expensive. Like, it almost sounds like a little bit like, can you afford me? Which makes me think of a client who recently on one of our masterminds said, you know, I did this thing with this guy that my friend said was a good idea to test if a guy was really into me. And so I asked him if he would lend me a bunch of money. Oh God. And she's like, he showed his true colors because he showed that he was uncomfortable with that. And I was like, okay, this is a terrible idea. This was terrible advice. Your friend was well-intentioned but misinformed. Like, terrible advice. And him not liking that is 100% fair because guys don't want you to be with them just for their resources, right? That's not what he's looking for. Much like you don't want a guy to be with you just for your physical attributes, guys don't want you to be with them just because of his money. And so he doesn't want to feel like he's buying your affection because he's not some prince in Dubai. Like, he's not like a rich oil tycoon of some sort. And so that's just not what he wants.

It's such stupid advice. I rarely say that. Like, that is so bad. That is so, so bad. And it does just go to show— and I, by the way, I, I have listened to some really, really bad advice. I just created a video right before this shoot about the advice that I received when I was younger from people about how to flirt with women. So I get it, but it does go to show the power of your surroundings. And like, one bad piece of advice can change the trajectory of your life. And this woman's friend like just could have ruined the rest of her life because that's— that is really bad. Like, if a woman did that to me on like a second date and asked me if she could borrow money, I wouldn't— I wouldn't know what to do. I really wouldn't know what to do with that. There's so much to that, um, that would turn me off. It's just ridiculous.

I would also say the guy that says yes to that is a major red flag in and of itself. Yeah, because I think this mentality of, you know, can you handle me— I, I do think that the guys who are into short-term challenges are more likely to really enjoy that energy versus the guy who's looking for something long-term and real. He doesn't want that kind of energy. He doesn't want to act that way. He doesn't want his partner acting that way. So I do think this is one of those ones where it's like, it comes from a good place. It comes from abundant confidence. But we can take, you know, it's a dose. The dosage is the poison, as they say. And you can take this a little too far.

I see the 'can you handle me' as someone basically saying they're going to do whatever it is that they're going to do and you better go along with it or else. Right? Yeah. And it's just such an unhealthy way to approach relationships. Like, if I ever said that to a woman, if I said that to my wife, she'd be like, 'You better handle yourself, dude. Like, you get— you take control of yourself. And if you're being inappropriate or ridiculous, like, you get control. Um, and it's just, it's such a weird framing relationship. I feel like I could riff on this for like an hour. So let's, let's move on to the next one.

All right. So the next one is, again, coming from a very good place, is this idea of I deserve only the best. So you have really, really high standards and that, and that's good. Like that sounds very reasonable. Like you should want to have a good partner. You should have high standards. We are saying that's absolutely the case. But here's the reality in terms of how that can land with the guy. It can sound like an impossible standard, like this level of perfection that I, as your partner, will never be able to attain. We also talked about this on a previous pod, so I won't go into this too much, but I think having super high standards, impossibly high standards, is a form of avoidant attachment because it kind of protects you from getting too close to anybody. Um, but it's so, you know, from the guy's perspective, he hears about these high standards, and on one level it's like, okay, good, I want her to have high standards and she's picking me. So that part I like. But there's also this, how can anybody ever live up to this? And I'm going to be working so hard all the time to try to make her happy. I want to make her happy, but it's going to be a lot of work. And so there's a little bit of like, is this going to be more trouble than it's worth? And also, what are the realistic chances that I'm going to be able to thread the needle and give her exactly what she's looking for? And so in the back of his head, he's going to answer that question with like, what are the chances? Low. They're low. And so what is that going to encourage him to do? Run.

Run.

He's done, right?

Well, I mean, I think I've heard people, clients, men and women say all this in one sentence, and I will try and put it all in one sentence. They'll say, look, I'm really trying to work on myself. I'm not perfect. I'm doing my best, but I'm looking for someone who is only the best. Right? Like, so it's like they don't have the high standards for themselves necessarily, or they're— they recognize that they are a work in progress themselves. But only expect people who are not working— works in progress, right?

Right.

And like, sorry, I'm just thinking about this on the fly, but I've literally heard this in one sentence and I'm like, do you not realize how conflicting that is? Yeah, it's just—

it's fundamentally not fair.

It's not fair.

Like, your expectations for yourself should rival and parallel the ones you have for your partner.

Yeah, right.

You expect your partner to be super high standards, like, you should match that because that's what we want. We want an A-player-with-A-player mentality. Like, let's, let's share in this and let's both bring the same level to our relationship. I think that's fair.

Yeah, Gary, you can't handle me, dude. You can't handle me. All right, let's go to number 3, which is just having lots and lots of bad ex stories. All right, and like, look, I, I get it. This is good in some ways because you want to make it sound like you're over your ex, right? Like, I got all these stories, I was divorced, all this stuff, and you want to make it clear they are not a threat. They're not a threat in this relationship. But the problem is, and the reality is, the way this is conveyed is the first problem is that you're making it clear that you have a lot of bad exes and he doesn't want to think of you even being with anyone else. Like, it's just not a good mental picture. Like, he does— he doesn't want to hear about your exes. And the second thing is that, like, you picked those people. You tolerated the bad behavior. So that is displaying this like massive red flag that says like, what's up with that? Why would you do that?

Right?

Why would you even be with a person like that? If you're talking about how insane your ex was, then the natural question is, well, why did you marry him and then stay with him for 20 years? You know, and I know that that's judgmental, but it's true. But like, and I would just say the third point is like, it sounds like your kind of avoiding responsibility for your exes. You know, I think there's a lot in this, but people will default to these conversations on a first date, even second date, and it's just such a third rail. It's just something that you really want to avoid.

I also think it's just the bad ex talk is just negative. Yeah, like, let's avoid the negativity. Let's, you know, it's not that you won't ever talk about it, but I think it's something you don't want to or don't need to talk about for a long time. Negativity isn't attractive. He doesn't know if what you're saying is valid. He doesn't know if you're right or if the ex was right, if this is just your version of the story. And so it— all it really does is plant a lot more doubts. It doesn't solve the problems that you're originally trying to solve, which is making it clear you're past your ex. It's like, oh, if I make this— my ex look bad, then you, this guy won't be threatened by him. It's like, maybe, but there's also, there's some collateral damage that comes along with that. And I think it's, it's one of those things that you just want to avoid altogether.

I think I honestly don't get it why people want to talk about their exes on like first or second date. Like, I've never been on a first or second date and even thought about my exes personally. Like, I, I can't even understand. I know people do it. I've been on dates with women who do it. But I just don't even understand it. Perhaps I was never still hung up on my exes. That is, that is the reason why. But it just seems so odd to me. What an odd—

I think some of it's being hung up on your ex. I also think it's, it's a trauma that they experienced in the context of a relationship. And so a little bit is talking it out to regain their confidence in themselves because it was like something that hurt them, right? Which is, which again is something you should want to be able to talk out with your next partner. Just not so soon, right? It's, it's a— timing is everything with these kinds of conversations. And I think you don't— he doesn't care enough about it to— for you to talk about it that soon. I think this is a big part of it. So absolutely. Number 4, walking red flag: it's this idea like, I just want to be a big part of every part of your life.

Every part. Every—

you're, Adam, you're my everything.

Gary, we should move in together, man. Like, just every part.

Maybe people are like, these dudes need to get a room.

Yeah, how many podcasts could we— I was gonna say bang out, I shouldn't say that. Yeah, we bang out if we live together.

Let's, let's not. Um, I, I think this is like one of those sentiments that does sound super romantic.

Yeah, it sounds kind of amazing.

It's You're putting him on a pedestal. You're making him feel special. It's like saying, you know, you're easy to talk to. I haven't been able to open up to anyone else like this. You get me like no one else ever has or ever will. And it's like, yes, that is so sweet. And in the right context, like, those sentiments work. But it's a lot of pressure on him, particularly if it's relatively new in the relationship. It's like, oh my gosh, I need to be your everything? Like, everything? It's— for guys, it sounds suffocating. For a lot of guys, it's— this sounds like you're gonna kill every last little bit of independence and sense of autonomy he has. He can't make his own choices because you need to be everything. He's wondering, do I get to hang out with my friends? Do I get to play my PlayStation? Like, what do I— like, do I get to go play golf? Like, do I get to watch football? Like, what do I get to do, or are you gonna want me to do other things? And so the fear he has has, and this is what makes it a walking red flag, is there's just going to be a lot of control, vigilance— where are you going, what are you doing— jealousy. It's, it's like a lot of jealousy and drama, and it's just stuff that guys have no interest in. And so you want to be careful about this.

It's also just so unrealistic. Like, there was once a time— if we zoom out on all of human history— when people would choose partners and they would get married You know, for as long as marriage has been around in the kind of sense of Christianity, let's just say, where you marry one person and he's just married to you. Like for most of that period, we looked at a husband or a wife is basically you share a home together, you have children together, you raise the children, the man will provide, the woman will take care of the home. I know that that's all traditional and like we're not— that things have changed now, but It's now swung so far to the other end as far as expectations, where the partner needs to be your absolute best friend, which I do agree with, but also needs to be the best lover you've ever had, the funniest person that you've ever met, the deepest person you've ever met. Your, uh, activity partner has to do every activity that you enjoy doing, has to like all the same hobbies, has to like all the same TV shows. I mean, I could go on and on. I, I wanna not be annoying. But there's this sense that like, you have to actually be everything to your partner. And the reality is that's never going to be true. It's not like when you're with your quote unquote perfect partner, you're not still going to have other friends that fulfill other emotional needs. Like, you're just going to have that. You got your guy friends, Gary. I'm sure your guy friends give you many things that your wife can't give you. I certainly do. And like, that's okay. Um, and I have many activities I do without my wife. That's great. You know, like, and that's a healthy relationship. I think I would personally not want to have a relationship where every single part of me is intertwined into the relationship. All right.

No. And this is so smart and so topical because Wednesday, I want to say it was Wednesday or Tuesday or Wednesday of this week on a mastermind, somebody was asking We were talking about this new guy she met who's amazing. They get along great and all this stuff. And she said, but I do have one concern. I'm like, okay, well, what's the concern? He likes to play golf and I don't like golf. Yeah, like, like, this is gonna keep happening, right? Because like a lot of guys— like, she was in her 60s— um, enjoy playing golf. I said, you might be looking at this wrong though. He goes and plays golf with his friends for 3 hours. You get 3 hours to do whatever you want, things that you like that he doesn't like. So you both separately on a Sunday afternoon get to spend a couple of hours doing the thing that you both like. And then afterwards you can meet up and tell each other all about your wonderful experiences. Like, that sounds kind of amazing. Like, I'll tell you, during football season, that is my Sunday. I watch football. My wife does not. She watches Hallmark movies. Gary does not. And so we go to, we have two separate TVs. We both go do our separate thing. I'll check in on her every once in a while just to see like, hey, how's it going? Same thing. Oh, okay, good. Fantastic.

What an awful relationship, Carrie.

Right? Like, it's just terrible. Terrible in the best way. But it's like, you spend— you don't have to spend every moment together. You don't have to be the other person's everything. It doesn't have to be 100%. Space. Like, space. Let's have a little bit of space so we can both kind of grow in our own ways. And it doesn't have to be side by side, hand in hand at all times.

Have you ever seen those memes or videos online where like the guys will text their wife when they're playing golf and I'm going to botch this, but they tell their wives that an average round of golf takes 8 hours because they're taking into account, of course, like drinking beer after golf. It's like she has no idea how long a round of golf is. So By the way, for those who don't play golf, it's about 4 hours. Um, but it's, uh, it's really funny that there's really funny videos about that because they're just like, yeah, they're doing their thing, they're hanging out with their guys, it's all good, you know?

Yeah, I feel like that. I feel like trips to Target are similar. It's like, yo, I'm going to Target, how long are you gonna be? A couple hours.

Yeah, I don't—

I'm not gonna ask, whatever, that sounds great.

Yeah, yeah, as long as I don't have to go, I'm cool.

Yeah, totally.

All right, you got to take this next one because this is, this is a And then that's one. Let's go.

This one. Okay, walking red flag number 5: having a little bit of a princess mentality. Oh, this— and I know, like, I know, like, on some level, like, we like to think, like, prince— it's something that has been held up as this really good standard. And it's, you're awesome and you're confident, and that is great. But there's the other side, is like, and sometimes how we see things is not how other people around us see things and how guys perceive things. So as much For you, princess mentality is a positive. It's awesome. It's confident. It's great. He might see it as, oh my gosh, she's going to require a lot of attention. She needs to be the main character at all times. It sounds a little bit needy. It sounds a little one-sided. It sounds a little bit like, from his perspective, am I always going to be the supporting cast or do I ever get to get support myself? And so one of the things guys are sensitive to is he doesn't want to feel like he works for you. Like, you being a queen, which is great, doesn't mean that I have to be the peasant. And it's— and that's not necessarily how you mean it at all, acknowledged, right? That is— can— that can be how men perceive it. And here's the— here's the thing, and I— this is something I have been thinking about and have been dying to get this into a podcast because I think this is so, so important to understanding men. Men worry about why you love them, and he worries about do you love him for who he is, which is what he wants, versus do you love him for what he can do for you. That's not what he wants. And so he doesn't necessarily want you to love him just because he can kill the spiders, take out the trash, and fix the runny faucet. He'll do all those things happily, but he wants you to actually love him for the great guy that he is. And so if he's getting a hint of a life of servitude and providing tasks, and just that's why you keep them around, it's toxic to his feeling love for you.

Yeah, amen, amen. Well, moving on to the next— I, I back every part of that. I want to just keep things flowing here, which is, I'm just a really emotional person. Heard that before quite a bit, and it's said in a context of positivity because, you know, you're an empath, you love and you care for like completely fully and very deeply, you give your whole heart to things. Like, that's what a lot of people will be thinking about when they frame themselves this way, like, just really emotional. And I totally understand this. But the way that this can be perceived is that I don't have control over my emotions. Right. And that tends to be true of people who say things like this. It's not to say it's necessarily a bad thing. Like, there's stoicism on one hand where it's like we, you know, the Tom Brady style of like living life where it's like no emotions, just completely stoic. And then there's the whole, like, complete emotional volatility and roller coaster side to things. I think there's a healthy balance between the two, but I think the dark side of this is that emotional volatility, like very moody, lots of mood swings, unpredictability. He doesn't know what he's walking into or just complete overreacting to like the smallest little things. You know, he leaves the cabinet doors open. Why would you do that? Right. I mean, sorry, it's just something I do. I don't know what to tell you. You know, for those who don't know, I tend to do that quite a bit, but it just gives off this general vibe of like the reality TV vibes. And Jessica watches a lot of those shows and I get pulled into some of them a lot because they're really fun to watch. But just that vibe of, you know, whatever I feel is my truth and I got to let it loose and I got to let it go. And, you know, I think one thing we try to do a lot of within Love Accelerator and our coaching is to harness the positive emotions. You want to feel the feel, but, and kind of roll with those, of course, but also learn that just because you feel something doesn't mean it's reality. And learning to have a healthy relationship with your emotions and bring some strategy along the way.

Yeah, and I think the one other piece of this is when a guy hears that you're emotional, at least this is what I always think of, it sounds like crying. It sounds like there's going to be a lot of crying. And you know what a lot of guys are scared of? You crying. And so it's just a little bit of like, oh gosh, that's going to be a lot to deal with that I'm not necessarily equipped to deal with. And I don't know how to handle— I'm not going to know how to handle that. So again, it just encourages him to be like, I don't know how to deal with this. I'm out, right? Which we don't want to scare, scare them away unnecessarily for that reason.

And just PSA, like, there's nothing wrong with crying with a guy. It's just having this framing of, I'm a really emotional person— it is a walking red flag if we're constantly having to put that out there because of the way that we behave. And so it's just something worth looking at because I can feel the comments already on this podcast right now, and it's We are not trying to dampen your emotional state, the positive feel-good emotions that you have in your life. But it's really important to— those who struggle a lot in relationship tend to have a lot of emotional volatility. And there's a lot of advice out there that supports just following your heart. Everything you feel, go with it. If you feel something is off, move into that. If you feel something's right, just dive right in. And we just take a very different approach. I think it's a healthier approach to living life and certainly love. So I'm trying to address, pre-address the comments before they come.

So here, here's the way I think.

Let's do it.

Because this is a podcast for women. If we were having the same podcast for men, we would tell them the exact same thing except for it would be control your anger. You can't just go around getting mad at things all the time. You can't, you know, fly off the handle. You can't like grit your teeth and be mad and yell, and you can't— you just can't do that all the time because it shows a certain level of emotional volatility.

Right.

And so what we need to do is have you, dude, control your emotions and not just getting angry all the time. And so there really are— there are parallels. And so, you know, just, just to make it clear that, you know, the same advice applies to everybody.

So that's a great framing. All right, Gary, get us to the good one. I know you've been excited for this.

This is the biggest walking red flag I think there is. Because people feel super justified and there is a lot of truth to this and there's a lot of sensibility to this. But this is, this is a nuanced one, right? And so this number 7 walking red flag that people have is you've got a busy backstory. And so the busy backstory is all the bad stuff that has ever happened to you in your life, all the ways you've been wronged, mistreated, traumatic experiences, not to minimize any of this, But like, this is you sharing all this stuff with this guy. And on some level, this is good. We do want to share this stuff. We do want to share about our past. We want to be vulnerable. We want to let people in. Vulnerability is courageous. It's brave. It is all of those things. Now, here's the part though. Timing is everything. And again, the dosage is the poison in the sense that the reality is some— the people who have this as a walking red flag take it too far. And so rather than just kind of sharing a little bit of what has happened to them and some of their actions, it becomes their entire identity. It becomes their whole personality. It becomes this trauma dumping where it's almost like he shares something bad that happened and it's way like, oh, I've got a better story for you. I've struggled even more. Let me share with you all of the bad stuff that's happened to me. Now, again, we are going to want to share all this stuff over time, but we don't want to make this our whole entire persona. Because if we make everything about our traumatic past, that's all he's going to be able to see. And so yes, we've all had traumatic things. I think every single person listening to this podcast has had some experiences in their life they're not great, that have defined them as a person. And that's true, but it's not entirely who you are. There are other things. We don't want the negativity to become your hope. The problem— I think the one other thing is, it's like, if I'm on a date with somebody who's telling me bad thing after bad thing that they've endured, I start feeling sorry for them in a way that's maybe not fair. But it's like— and it's also like a little bit of like the empathy, like I'm feeling how they're feeling, and then I'm starting It's like it creates this like, oh, sadness that's not necessarily romantic in the way that I think you'd want.

I mean, I think the, the perfect way to position this is once again flip it. Imagine you went on a date with a guy and he's just trauma dumping on you. He's just dumping all of this intensity and you to your point, you will empathize and you'll maybe emotionally connect, but it definitely doesn't build the, the attraction between the two of you. And that, and that can be okay. Like, it depends where you are in the process, if it's, you know, third date, fourth date, fifth date, or you're in a committed relationship, or you're certainly engaged and you're married and you're really diving deep into some of these challenges. But even still, it's it's something to share and open up with, but it's not something to create as part of your identity. And there certainly has been, like, in recent decades, like, a trending towards allowing our traumas to become a huge part of our identity. And I think it really has swung very far on that front where you're almost— you're not a— you haven't done a lot in your life unless you have traumas. You know, unless you're sharing your traumas or your difficulties, and I'm not sure if that is a good trend, you know. And so I would just question that if that's something that you see when you look in the mirror, all you think about or see are your traumas. I know this is very against the grain, it's very counter to what a lot of other people talk about, and we're not saying again to ignore it and just stuff it under the rug, but it's a matter of having a healthy, balanced relationship with it, and especially throughout the dating process, because you wouldn't want to experience that either with a guy.

Yeah, it's like, imagine sitting with a guy who all he wants to talk about is this raging narcissist that he used to date and how terrible that was and how that ruined his confidence and ruined his trust and she cheated on him. And it's like bad thing after bad thing after bad thing. Like, you, as Adam just said, you will emotionally connect. You, you're probably gonna feel like a little sense of pity and just sadness and empathy and It's, it's not great to hear. And like, that's just not going to build the kind of connection that you're looking for. And I, I just, one last thing on this is I think it's important to realize that our partners are there to be our partner and our, you know, equal opportunity, equal equality between the two of us, I should say. Um, they're not our therapist. And so therapy-client relationships, there's like a little bit of a power, and we don't want that same kind of power dynamic in our relationship. And so We want to share, but without belaboring it, I think is the key nuance here.

Right, right. So very interesting. Obviously a very, you know, it's a complicated conversation, but I think it's very worth saying. And I truly hats off to you, Gary, for putting that out there because I think it's something that no one talks about. You know, everything right now is so trauma positive. And I want to create a little bit of a counterweight to that so that people can have a successful life and kind of move forward with their life. And I think the, the big picture with all this is you attract what you are, right? With all these walking red flags, like, at the end of the day, you can stay the same, keep going on doing what you do with all these red flags, and— but at the end of the day, you're going to attract the guys who are okay with this, right? You're going to attract guys with similar red flags. And do we really want that? Right? So I would just question that. If you find that any of these kind of ring true and have an honest look at yourself and your behavior, I think you'll realize that, you know, let's move towards the green.