10 Signs He's a Boy and Not a MAN

Hey there, everyone. Before we start the podcast, as you all know, there's a lot of bad dating and love advice out there, and we want to put a stop to that. So if you're enjoying this podcast, you enjoy the content that we're putting out, please can you leave a review wherever it is that you're listening to this podcast. It spreads a lot of love, and it really helps get this message out there so we can help more women, just like you, attract the love that they truly deserve. Go ahead and leave that review, and let's jump into. The podcast is the bully in the playground. It's the kid who, like, sees the weaknesses, wants to prey on it. And the only reason he's doing that is because it makes him feel better when he puts other people down, when he's bullying other people. And there's some guys that take this to the max when they're in relationships for whatever reason, their ego, if their partner wins an award or has some success in her life and he wants to diminish it, because God help us if she has a day, if she has a moment.

All right, Adam, the one we have today, 10 signs he's a boy, not a man. I would love to claim credit for this idea.

Yeah.

Because I love this idea. There's nothing I love more than a little man bashing. It's what I do in my relationships classes. Because if someone's to blame in relationships, it's almost always the guy. And so this one right in my wheelhouse. I didn't. This is not my idea. I stole this from you. This was. You did a free webinar a little bit ago on the commitment power principle. And on that webinar, there was a slide that said, maybe he's a boy, not a man. I'm like, oh, I love that idea.

There's lots of title. It's a little clickbait. I'll. I'll dive in. Why not? I'll.

I like it. But it was like, there's lots of ways that guys screw this up. And it's like this boy mentality versus a man mentality. And it's like every woman out there wants a man. And it's like we never actually define exactly what that is and differentiate it from a boy or someone who's not a man. Right. And so that's what we're going to do today.

Well, there's nothing more potent than just telling a woman that she's dating a scared little boy. And, like, the reason why I can do that is because I Used to be a scared little boy, I think until I was maybe if I had to choose an age, I would say 27 is probably when I graduated to a man. And by the way, I was a coach for a period of time during the time of being a boy. All right, so like, I think I bring a little bit of credibility now. That's almost, I don't know, 15 years ago now. But we're, we're, no, I'm doing quick math 12 years ago now. But you know, it's one of those things that there really is a moment where a man truly graduates. And ages is kind of an irrelevant factor to this because I know plenty of boys, boys who are in their 60s. I know plenty of men who are in their 20s. It's much more of an attitude when it comes to love than it is an actual age. And yeah, so today we're going to talk to you a little bit about the different signs that a guy is a boy or just a man. But I know you wanted to have a little bit of defense of guys before we get into this, because I.

Do, because I have to balance my, I gotta balance myself out because I started off by saying I love bashing guys and just giving them a bunch of crap about how bad.

I do not like bashing guys. By the way, I, I know you're the man basher. I, I, I, I'm a fan of guys. I'm a fan of men when they step up into their masculine, when they are actually being men. But I'll trash boys all day long because I used to be one, so I can do that.

So I'm a boy, I'm a boy basher. But I feel, I feel like you.

Were just born a man, Gary. He just came out of like, just came out and you're just like a man, a man's man. But I don't know, were you ever a scared little boy?

I was. I think my evolution might have happened a little sooner in my lifeline than perhaps yours did. But, you know, it was definitely like through high school. It's just, you get so many, and this is the defense of guys is like you get so many bad messages from every other guy around you about, you know, you need to be competitive, you got to hide your feelings. You shouldn't cry. Like, guys are taught to be independent, like this lone wolf mentality. And it's like all of these things, hide your feelings, be a lone wolf, be independent. These are not relationship oriented traits or.

Like, or like hooking up with a girl. If you're in high school or in college, when you hook up with a girl, it is, like, celebration time. Everyone's so psyched. But if you're like, hey, guys, I got. I just got a girlfriend. They're like, what are you doing, dude? I lose her. Oh, just one woman. What's wrong with you? Like, women don't see that, so they don't understand that that's what's happening behind closed doors, like, legitimately. I remember even when I was 26 and one of my friends got a girlfriend, I'm like, what are you doing? You're breaking the pack, dude. We're supposed to live, like, this amazing single life. Like, come on. You know?

And then, of course, the thing is, for guys like that mentality, it's not just a year out of their life. I mean, it's in some case a full decade or more of receiving those messages of, like, do not get in a relationship. This is all like, it's. It's a problem, right? And so, you know, that's. That's the one little bit of defense. It's not entirely their fault. But the other thing is, as an adult. As an adult guy, you have to own it. You have to realize that this is the programming you've been receiving and. And decide that that's not good enough and step out of that and move beyond that and grow beyond that. And so, you know, it's still guys got. Guys have to own it. But most importantly for those of you listening to the podcast is how do you make sure you're finding the right guy who is a man and not that scared little boy?

Right. Well, let's. Let's just jump into them. I feel like this is going to be a relatively quick one to just be able to give you the signs. And as we're going through this, I want you to think back to different guys. If you're single, think back to previous guys you've dated, and let's put them in the categories man or a boy. And of course, if you're with a man right now or you're with a guy right now, perhaps you can use this as a little bit of a test to decide, is he on the level of being a man or is he still a scared little boy? Could give you use almost like a quiz. So the first one is that boys tend to be selfish, focused on themselves that know it all. They're a taker in the relationship, in the connection, whereas a man is much more focused on others. There's a lot more empathy There's a lot more understanding. He's what you call a learn it all versus a know it all. I love that. And much more of a giver. So, yeah, it's such a big difference.

They're. They're a little bit more humble. They're a little bit more focused on other people and not just themselves. And that's. It's something that, like, sounds weird probably, as. As a woman listening to this, because being focused on others and having empathy and understand being like, that's how women are raised. And it's literally not how guys are raised. They were generally raised to be independent, and so that's what helps separate out the. The boys from the men.

Yeah.

So the second one is boys will compliment a woman to get something. It's very transactional, those compliments, right? There's a method. There's a. There's a reason why they're doing it, and it's usually to get to the bedroom. It's usually, you know, manipulation geared towards physical intimacy. Whereas a man compliments a woman because he dates with kindness. He cares about her. It's authentic. The other thing a man will do is not worry that his compliments are going to go to her head, that, you know, you're going to get too full of yourself. Whereas a boy is like, you don't want to compliment them too much. You don't want them to think that they're too good. And this is like, a lot of bad dating advice is aimed at the boy's mentality of, you know, compliment for this reason, but don't do too much because it can backfire.

Or the best is backhanded compliments to be like, oh, you're. One of the classic lines that there used to be, like, your nose wiggles while you. While you. Like, you have such a cute smile, but your nose kind of crinkles up when you smile. It's like a give and a take. Those are this a bad example?

Like, another one, it's like, I love your smile. Like, I love how your smile is just a little crooked. It's just so.

Yes, yes, it's so. It's so cute that your smile is just a little crooked. Like so. It's like a positive. It's cute, but it also has this backhanded negative, which in turn will get a woman to like you. And it does work in many ways because it's like, now she's going to prove herself to get you to like her. It's crazy. The backhanded compliments, they really work. But it's like a boy will use these types of tactics all the time to get a woman into the bedroom. Whereas a man will just be like, you have a beautiful smile. Oh, my God, you're incredible. And just like authentic and real. And I think that's, it's, it's much more of the intention behind the compliment than anything.

For sure.

Yeah.

You know, I think the other thing that boys do, this is number three, they're a little insecure. So they're very showy. They flaunt their resources, they flaunt their accomplishments. They do a lot of talking about themselves. Maybe they, they drive certain kinds of cars and they, they're very ostentatious with, with just how they're presenting themselves.

Yeah.

Whereas a man is understated because he's confident. He knows who he is. He knows who he is as a person. He knows he's got good character. And it's all about quality. And quality matters to a guy. To a man.

And let's just say this. It. Just because a man has a nice car doesn't mean that he's a boy. Okay, A man can have a nice car, but it's the way in which he presents it. You know, if he's. Where he sits down on the first date and he puts the keys on the, on the counter, it's got the Ferrari symbol because he actually has a Ferrari. That would be a little boy, in my opinion. But if he just happens to like nice things, he likes nice restaurants, but he's not doing it to. To brag about it. It's just like a part of who he is that's a man. So it's much more, again, the intentions behind it. I know so many guys who just. They flaunt their money, they flaunt everything. And those tend to be the poorest guys out there. They don't actually have anything to back it up. Whereas men who actually have true wealth and true status, they don't need to do that. They don't need you to know how great their car is or their house is because they have the substance to already back it up. And that'll just be kind of a bonus when. When you are with them. Are you tired of committing your heart to a man who only just pulls away? Well, if so, we have a very special presentation that's available to our podcast listeners. It's at a special link. It's called he commits dot com. And it's going to walk you through the five secret strategies that make men commit. Head on over to he Commits dot com. It's only available for a short period of time. I think you're going to like it a lot. All right, back to the podcast.

Yeah, I think that's a key distinction. It's. It's the distinction between flaunting it versus just letting you discover it. Like, if you discover later that he drives a McLaren and, like, he never mentioned it, it's like, oh, that's very, very different than, like you said. I love that example. Like, putting the keys on the table. Like, oh, here's a Ferrari. Like, guess what I have. Like it. Very, very, very different.

Well, you know who that's attractive to? A girl, not a woman.

O Future podcast possibility. Note to.

I don't know about that.

You.

You can do that by your own.

You can do that one on your own.

No, no, no, no. That. That'll be all you, Gary. On a different podcast. Not. Not this one. I'm protecting our reviews signs. She's a girl, not a woman.

Oof.

That just. That gives me, like, an adrenaline just thinking of that one. So maybe we have to do it now. All right, we have to do it. Let's do it in the future. All right, let's move to number four, which is a boy is intimidated by a smart, successful woman, and he really needs to kind of be the star, whereas a man is stimulated by her. You know, he really wants someone who is in many ways better than him so that he can learn and grow from that person and they can learn and grow together with that incredible synergy.

What do you think that's really the relationship goal? That's the relationship goal everybody should have, is to have someone who's a partner, who's their equal or better, someone to learn from, and that, you know, one plus one is greater than two. Like, that's a synergistic relationship, and that's what a man wants. Boys, though, not confident, unsure of themselves, they need to be the star. They need to be in control. They need to have all the power. And so boys look for women who are not as smart as them so that they're not going to be challenged. Whereas a man wants a smart partner. They want someone who's their equal because they want to grow and learn together.

Yeah. A boy goes after a weak prey, like a woman who has low confidence, who they can kind of walk all over, who they can do anything to, and they know that she'll come crawling back to her, whereas a man doesn't. That's not even attractive to her. He wants a man who is on his level, who's an equal, who's intellectually stimulated by. And yeah, it's a very important distinction. I think the boys out there can make a lot of the women think that all these guys are just boys. And there are plenty of men out there who want something real for sure.

So the fifth sign he's a boy is he thinks emotions and an emotional sharing is girl stuff. So he puts up emotional walls. He's not willing to show how he feels. Just very stoic. Right. Not. Not sharing much at all. Whereas a man is in touch with his emotions. He values them, he understands them, he shares them. His high emotional intelligence. He's willing to cry. Like it's okay to embrace and show and understand emotion when you're a man, but when you're a boy, it's like you, you stay away from all that stuff because I'm too tough. I don't, I don't have those emotions. I don't have any of those feelings.

Because that would make me weak. Yeah. I mean true strength comes as a man by being able to open up, you know, and I think that's where the definition of masculinity has just gone completely awry. It's like you've got to be this tough guy, doesn't feel anythings. And, and look on the other side. You know, we're not saying that a real man is crying every single day. Like there's an extent to this, right. Where it's like he, he does need to show up and, and you know, bring his be best foot forward and be. And bring his masculine. But like, you know, if a man does share his, his feelings, he does cry every once in a while. That's a beautiful thing. And that's what a real man does.

Yeah. Appropriately. Right. It's like you don't want a guy who's like, you hurt my feelings and then sobs to himself in a. Yeah, yeah, that guy not attract.

Most women are not going to be into that for very long. The attraction level is just going to dwindle quickly.

All right, so number six, very much related to this emotional aspect is a boy feels shaky in his masculinity. It's fragile. And so he handles that sense of fragility by needing to be infallible. It's got to be tough and has to appear strong at all times. Even when it's obvious, you know, it's okay to be weak. He just has to be strong. Can't admit that there's any sense of weakness. Whereas a man, he's Comfortable being vulnerable, he can open up, it's okay to show weakness. And so like this toxic masculinity stuff, it's like, God, you know, if you're toxically masculine, you can't even admit when you're cold or when you're uncomfortable or anything. It's like, no, like that's, that doesn't make any sense. And so men are like, yes, it's negative 30 out. I am cold and I do a jacket.

Yeah, right. Or like, I think another one, that is a common reason for divorce, which is financial issues. Like, if a man is going through a rough patch professionally, if he's a little boy, he's gonna hide that from his partner and be like, no, everything's going great, I got this, no problem, we're doing great. Whereas a man's like, hey, going through a rough patch right now. This is tricky and we gotta navigate this thing together. And I think that takes a real man to be able to show up and be able to have those real conversations with the woman, you know, be vulnerable.

Absolutely. You know, and like you just said, being a man is about showing up. And so number seven, boys aren't, don't show up. They're flaky, they make promises they can't keep, they lie, they're just kind of swarmy and a little shady about things. You never really know if you're getting a straight answer. Honesty, not really sure. Whereas a guy, a man rather like honors his word. He's full of follow through, his actions match his promises. Like what we talk about in the program is like his video. Like what is he actually doing that matters to a man? Boy, it's all talk, it's all audio, all audio.

Gonna do this. I'm gonna take you out. I love. You know, I'm gonna be ready for a relationship in the next couple months. I really want to have you meet my friends, but you know, in the meantime, why don't you come over at 2am on a Saturday night? You know, a boy is going to be playing these games constantly and giving you all the right words but not backing it up. Whereas a man is actually going to show up, step up and prove himself that he's actually going to be there for you through his actions.

Yeah, A boy says, I'm going to change. A man doesn't say anything and just changes and just start getting to business.

Fire. Ooh, that's good, that's good, that's good. Where are we here? Take me to the next one, Gary.

So number eight, a boy feels like, he always has to be right, always has to have the final say, and can't take responsibility. Right. So it's a power without responsibility. They want to have all the decision making, all the influence, but then when things go wrong, like, not my problem. I didn't do it. Whereas a man is able to seed power, share power, when he makes a mistake, he owns it. He accepts it, he admits it, he apologizes. Because he doesn't have to be infallible. Everyone makes mistakes, and when it happens, he just owns it.

Right? Yeah. Yeah. I think that's so important with all of this. It's just like, it's redefining what the idea of masculinity really is, I think, in many ways, like, and I think it takes a real man to actually be able to apologize and just fall on a sword when you, when you do something wrong. And that can be. I don't, I don't understand why apologies are hard for people. I, I, There must be some psychology that goes into that. Gary. I don't know if you, you know, offhand, but it's like, there's some people that just, for whatever reason, apologies are so difficult for them. Like, I probably apologize too much. Like, for me, it's, it's easy. I'll throw an apology anytime where I'm like, yeah, I might be a little bit wrong here. Apology, apology, apology. Some people are like, never. I will never apologize because I was not wrong. And it's like, you're clearly wrong. Oh, my God. I don't know what else to say. Like, the data shows you're wrong and you're still not willing to apologize. Where does that come from? Gary?

What, what is a, A lot of. It's your self concept, right? And, like, how comfortable are you with your flaws? Because we all have them. And it's like, if you're comfortable with it, then, you know, when other people point it out or when something does go wrong, it's like, okay, this isn't the first time I've been wrong, certainly not gonna be the last time I'm wrong. And you kind of have that growth mindset where it's like, I can take these things and I can fix them. It also has a little bit to do with perfectionism. If some people feel like they need to have this, like, perfect streak of, like, I'm always right, you know? And so to admit that you fell short once, the whole house of cards of perfection kind of falls apart if you admit even once that you were wrong. And so, you know, perfectionism we talk about this a lot, but it. It's problematic in a ton of ways in relationships. And that's just one of them.

Yeah. Really interesting stuff. Okay, good.

All right. So number nine, boys compete with you. They need to feel superior. And so when you're competitive and you're competing with a partner, from a boy perspective, they can win by being better than you, or a boy can win by making you feel worse than them. And so boys will put you down. Boys will try to find ways to make you feel small, to feel wrong, to feel less worthy than him. Whereas a man takes the complete opposite approach. A man wants somebody who is their actual equality, who's just as good as them, if not better than them. Because from a man's perspective, it's not like, I'm better than you and this hierarchy, it's you and me. We're gonna take on the world together as a team. And that's an entirely different and better mentality.

Yeah, it's like. It's the. It's the bully in the playground. It's the kid who, like, sees the weaknesses, wants to prey on it. And the only reason he's doing that is because it makes him feel feel better when he puts other people down when he's bullying other people. And there's some guys that take this to the max when they're in relationships, for whatever reason, their ego, if the. If their partner wins an award or has some success in her life, and he wants to diminish it, because, God help us, if she has a day, if she has a moment. And the boy, just. His fragile little ego can't handle that. Whereas that man, he just. He wants to build her up. He. He loves to put her on the pedestal. Like, that's a. It's a beautiful thing. And again, it's not something I understand. It's not part of my nature to be like that. But I know a lot of people, a lot of men who do fall in that category, they just have this ego that just stops them from being able to support other people. You know, if they're not in the. The. The light, then no one should be.

Yeah. And I think, you know, it kind of. All this brings up a larger point, which is some. Some women will say all men are this way, and really what they're describing are these boys. But it's like, we both know, because, like, you just said, like, I don't understand this myself, and I. A lot of these, like, coming up with this list was really easy to come up with. The man Side of it, the boy was like, oh, yeah, there are guys that think this, but it's like so many women dating are only exposing themselves or only finding the boys. And so really what we're hoping to do with this is to. To help you better identify and notice the man traits that you actually want. Because these things are important. All these things we've talked about so far are important. Like these first nine, all super important, all going to help you have a better relationship. Number 10, save this one for the last because this one is, like, serious. They're all important. But this last one is serious because it can lead to really bad, abusive types of relationships. And so this last one, a boy is jealous, insecure, controlling, terrified of you leaving him, knows on some level he's not worthy, and so deals with that by controlling you and trying to isolate you from other people. Doesn't want you hanging out with your friends, doesn't like it when you talk to your family, talks bad about your closest friends and family, and just works, just chips away and slowly just kind of like pulls you out of your normal social circles to only come into his world. You only get to hang out with his friends. He doesn't hang out with your friends. And so you can see, like, that's a lot more serious. That's a. It's a boy mentality. A man, on the other hand, confident, trusts his partner, doesn't need to check on her, constantly, knows you're not going anywhere. You have a relationship built on honesty, trust, caring. Likes it when you go out with your friends. Like, wants you to have a life separate from his because go.

Flirt with some other guys. Get that? Do whatever you gotta do. Go.

Your time, me time, our time. Like, you need all three. You have to have your time alone, I get to have my time alone, and then we get to enjoy our time together. Like, that's how men think. And good for them because that's what makes relationships work. None of this control, jealous, insecure garbage, which all ruins relationships.

Yeah, I feel like the pattern between the boys versus a man can be summarized just as we're going through this is like, boys are led by fear, whereas men are, like, kind of led by love. Like, there's just a different lens in which they see the world. Boys are always trying to control. They don't want to lose. They come from a place of inadequacy. Whereas a man comes from a place of like, hey, I. I've arrived in life and I want to take this journey with you, and I want to be that partner. And, you know, look, no guy is perfect. No woman is perfect. And so I think for any men that are listening to this, I think all of us can learn to continuously lean into the being a man side and. And lead with love. And for the women listening to this, you can always listen to this podcast again and think about where you might be showing up on the woman versus girl perspective. Really? Because honestly, these are kind of interchangeable.

Sure.

Don't you think, Gary? Generally speaking, these are interchangeable for Jen.

Yeah. I think it's like so many other things we talk about on this podcast. We. We talk about women because this is a podcast for women. But like so many of these things we mentioned, it's really just for people, right? It's like, you know, you want to be confident. And so, like you were saying, like, I think men, it's about being confident and focusing on connection. And like you said, for boys, it's about fear. And so we just spent, you know, 24 minutes or so talking about boys versus men, and we made boys sound really, really terrible and men sound awesome. And so I. I think we want to end here with just a note of caution in the sense that before you get too smug and sure of yourself and say, oh, gosh, these boys sound. I would never fall for that. Boys are terrible. I want a man. That's all I'm gonna go for. Women fall for boys all the time.

All the time. All the time. They can be tall, they can be handsome, they can ride the motorcycle. They can be the bad boy. They can be really engaging and attractive, even just a guy who's evasive or who pulls away. I mean, all these things can be actually, on a kind of visceral level, very attractive to a woman, especially women who are not quite ready for a relationship or don't know what to look for when they're getting out there and dating. Oh, my God, these guys can pull you in real quick. Yeah.

Because a boy can put on an act for a little bit. He can show you the nice car, the nice house, he's hot, he's tall, he has great abs, big bank account, great job, all that great stuff. And boys, I mean, they can be charismatic. They can have a false sense of confidence. Right. They can be very complimentary, like, hey, beautiful, and just, like, really make you feel really, really special. But you have to be careful. It's a lot of style, not a lot of substance. And so, you know, with. With the list that we shared, you know, it's worth reviewing from time to time. To make sure when you're dating, it's easy to notice some of those other superficial qualities, but, like, really look for the substance, really look for the man in there. And fundamentally, it all comes down. Don't settle. Like, a lot of times women will say, oh, there are no good guys. And I'm only attracting like, you know, you're getting a lot of that boy type of behavior. The men are out there. It's just a matter of knowing what to look for. Because that way when you see it, you'll notice it and you'll appreciate it and you'll know to pursue it.

Amen. And with that said, we do have a shameless plug here, but since we're talking about it, we have@he commits.com. it's a seminar that walks you through these five strategies to attracting a commitment focused man using what we call the commitment power principle. So it's me, it's myself, Dr. Lewandowski, Gary himself, as well as a few people from our coaching staff. It's a great seminar. I would check it out. He commits.com and thank you so much, Gary. This is. This was a fun one. I appreciate it.

Thanks, Adam.

All right, so now we're at the end of the podcast, and hopefully you got a lot of really great information from this podcast. But as we know, information can only take you so far. It's time to take some action. So what I recommend you do now is head on over to loveapply.com. it's going to walk you through a series of questions, and then you'll be able to book what we call a complimentary love strategy session. Yes, you've heard it. Someone on my team is going to get on a phone call with you, be able to understand your situation, what it is that you're struggling with in your love life, and create that strategy to help you attract that man, that relationship you truly deserve. So take that action. Go make it happen. We cannot wait to speak with you, Love apply dot com. And yeah, let's help you create that love life you truly deserve. All right, speak soon. Bye bye.