13 Dating Rules that Simplify Your Love Life

And so something you ask people a lot, which is a really nice prompt, is what would a high value woman do in this situation?

Yeah, I've gone out with this guy three times. He hasn't texted me now in two weeks. Should I give him a call? Should I do nothing? Should I do xyz? Adam, what should I do? All I just says, what would a high value woman do? You answer that, and she's like, oh, a high value woman would do this, and in that case, likely nothing. She would continue seeing other people and only allow men who are choosing her or pursuing her into her life. Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast, where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. All right, today, Gary, we are going to be talking about the 13 dating rules that simplify your love life. Now, before we get into that, I want to tell you all a rule that I was just telling Gary before this podcast that I'm going to live and die by from now on before every single podcast, and that is that I'm not going to have crazy party weekends with my friends before a podcast on a Monday. I am moving slow today. Adam had a tubing river extravaganza this weekend with nine of his friends. And, man, I'm getting that foggy brain. I'm getting old. Is this what happens, Gary? We get to your age?

I'm young at heart. I would not know. I'm just sad. Somebody's got a case of the Mondays.

Somebody does have a case of the Mondays. We have our team meeting this morning, and I was like, guys, be. Be cool today because I got a case of the Mondays. It's no fun, but. No, it.

It's.

It is definitely a principle. From now on, if Adam has a weekend away with his wife and a bunch of friends, because here's the thing, like, I. We don't have kids yet, but all of our friends have young kids. So when they hang out with us, like, we're the fun ones. We're the ones that, like, finally they get this breakaway from their normal life and they're like, let's stay up Late. Let's have way more alcohol than we should ever drink. Let's do all this stuff. And I'm like, I can't do this every weekend. Help me. Give me children. Do that. Solve it. Gary, does that solve it?

No. No. Then you just become like them. I know exactly how they feel. It's like you spend so much of your time doing all this, like, obligations and like, all, like, your good parent stuff. Like, you finally get a chance away, and it's like spring break. Like, you just go nuts. And so, you know, for them, this is, like, they're, like, you said, extravaganza for you. It's like, guys, it's the third. It's. It's July. Like, who cares? But for them, it was a big deal. And I'm sure they had a great time with you, and they're probably feeling even worse this Monday.

They are. I mean, one of. One of my. My best friend. He's got four young kids, ages like 2 to 5. They had him really quick because they twins as well. Let me tell you, that's a dark thing to come back. I mean, it's a beautiful thing to come back to after a nice long weekend, but it's also probably a dark, painful thing to come back to because.

Those kids don't know. They don't care what you did on the weekend. They're still giving up.

They don't care at all. And they just. Yeah. And then they're cranky. So that's the rule. What's that?

I said no compassion from the kids.

They.

They're just doing their own thing all the time.

No compassion. No compassion. So that's the rule. From now on, I will try to follow it. Certainly by the time we get to fall with summertime, I don't know, but fall for sure. So today we're going to be jumping into these 13 rules. And when we say the word rules, it's more like principles, because rules imply that they cannot be broken. And you must always follow a. I don't even like the word rules, but these are the closest, closest things we have here at Love Strategies to Rules Focus. We always come back to these with our clients. You might hear us talk about them in the webinars and free trainings that we have or on our podcast. And we want to just have one specific podcast solely focused on these 13 very specific principles, rules, whatever you want to call it, that really will simplify your love life and make it a lot easier to live by.

Yeah, I appreciate that. Because, you know, I don't like, think calling things rules that much either, but it's like rules. It's more of, like, an aspirational sense. It's like you. If you have a role that you can break, it just kind of gives you something to lean on.

Yeah.

These are really guidelines. And I think the thing that we're going to really try to do today is, is really make them simple. And I know 20 years ago when I started, like, learning about relationship science and really, like, digging into this, I don't know, it's probably academic in me, but 20 years ago, if I had to try to explain principles about relationships to people, it would always take me 5 minutes, 10 minutes tops. It's just. It would. I would go on and on and on, but it's like having done this for so long, I think, like, the 13 things that we're going to share, they're quick, they're simple, they're easy to remember, which makes them a lot easier to use, which is why I really like this.

Yeah, absolutely. So with that said, let's just jump into them. Gary, you want to go first?

Sure. So one of the things that I think it's like, actually something that I said to you one of the very first times we talked and started discussing a potential collaboration, is that you kind of do a lot of the dating stuff, and that that's kind of like where you've spent a lot of your time and effort over the last decades.

Yeah, forever.

It's been. It's been a long time. Myself, I focus more on the relationship side of things. And so it's like, know in some ways we do the same thing, but in some ways we do two things that are very, very different. So something that I say a lot, that it's totally true, is what gets you together isn't what keeps you together. And so a lot of times the things that people are doing to try to get them together with a partner, focusing on attraction, focusing on chemistry, focusing on excitement. Maybe they're. They're taking a tubing trip down a river for a first date or so. Like, that's all great and that. That really does a great job of creating that bond. But some of those same things aren't actually what keeps you together long term.

Yeah, right. And, and understanding that and making a shift and realizing that the relationship that you have when you first get together is not going to be the same as in five, 10 years or even five, 10 months. That's. That's the bigger challenge. And it takes a different type of. I Don't know. It takes a different type of just focus and intentionality to keep a relationship moving forward. That may not even necessarily be required when you first start dating. So I love that.

Yeah. Which is ironic because everybody puts a ton of effort into, like, finding a person. Like, I need to find a person. I gotta find my part. And then it's almost like once they do, it's, like, done. Like, now I'm good. I don't have to really worry about much from here on out. But, like, that's what I so appreciate about what we do is, like, not only we help people get together, but then we have whole weeks and weeks of programs and material to help people kind of maintain and build that strong relationship together. Which is fantastic.

Definitely.

Which really, that's number one, I was going to say, you know, for number two, this something actually came up in a recent webinar that we did about power and commitment. Power and something you say is you're the common denominator in your love life. Can you explain what you mean by that?

Yeah. Well, I think when we are dating and finding love, it can be really easy to externalize our problems. We could say that the reason why I'm not attracting a great partner is because I live in the wrong area. It could be because men are the problem. Men these days don't want commitment. And where I think we're really successful with our clients is first step is taking responsibility. Because really, the only thing we can control is you and your actions and who you choose to be with. And every decision in our life and certainly our love life, we're the common denominator. So if we find that every relationship we've been in has been toxic of sorts, it's been with the wrong person, completely. Has been with a narcissist, sociopath. Oh, my God. You name it, I've heard it all. The only thing we can do is say, look, I am the common denominator of all these relationships. So that is going to require me to make a shift so that I don't find myself in that same situation again. And that first step of responsibility might sound harsh, but actually, if you look at it and think about it, it's actually quite empowering because it puts you in control. Because if you're not.

If.

If every. If all your problems are other. Are because of other people or other things out there, that removes all the control and all the power.

Yeah. In that context, you're always at the mercy of other people. And so, like, that doesn't feel good. And so, you know, in so many of the things that we do, it's. It's about empowerment and actually taking control. And kind of like there's a saying that we used to talk. I don't know why we used to say this in college all the time. I think it actually came from some kind of alcohol we drank at the time that no longer exists, but on and actually did. So. It used to be called Wild Spirits, which is funny because of the whole river theme, apparently, of this podcast. But the thing on the side of that bottle used to say, paddle your own canoe. And we used to always say that when people were, like, whining, complaining, say, hey, hey, hey. No, no. Paddle your own canoe.

Paddle your own canoe. Oh, my. What is the theme going on today? I like it.

I know all about the boats.

Oh, my God. That's. That's true. It's funny, actually, all weekend, just speaking this. We're on the tube, and if anyone's ever tubed down a river, this goes against this rule completely, by the way. But I'm just going to tell us. We're going down the river, and sometimes there's, like, logs and. And rocks in the way. And my buddy Jamie, the entire time, I keep trying to paddle and move the whole thing. Like, no, we don't want to hit the rock. And he's like, dude, just let the river do the work. Just let the river do the work. Which I'm sure is going to come into play somewhere in one of these rules. I should probably told that story elsewhere. But he's just like, dude, just relax, man. He's probably, like, smoking a joint or something. God, this is just the day of he was not smoking marijuana. I don't think this is the day of talking about alcohol and substances. Geez, are we gonna get in trouble for this one? What do you think, Gary?

I'm sure we're not the only people that have had similar experiences. I'm sure.

Yes. All right, bring us to the next one, please.

Yeah. So, you know, something that I've been studying for years in relationships is how relationships impact who you are as a person and how you as a person, impact your relationships. And so something I've really kind of become fond of. Of saying and summarizing this as is, you have to be the person before you can find the right person. And so, so often people's dating journeys and relationship journeys are, like, all about, like, I got to find somebody who's this, this, this, and this. Or, you know, it's all about the characteristics the other person has. Now, that's how most people do it, but that's also where most people go wrong. Because you actually first should focus on yourself, making sure you're a full, complete, well nurtured, well cared for, sophisticated kind of person. Because then that way you're ready for the person that you want to attract. Right? And so, you know, the corollary to this one is it's not what you're looking for in a relationship, it's what you're ready for. Because there's plenty of times like an amazing person comes through your life and you date them or you, you meet them somewhere and you're just not ready for that yet, even though that's what you want. And that's a really frustrating place to find yourself in.

Hey there, ladies. As you can see, we're just getting this podcast off the ground. And since we don't run any ads, I only have one quick favor to ask in return. Can you just take a quick second right now, pause this episode and just leave us a review Wherever it is that you're listening to, the podcast really help us out a lot, and it really does spread the love and I think the world needs a little bit more of that. So I appreciate you. Now let's get back to the show. Yep. I, I forgot I used to do this when I used to do a lot of one on one coaching. And I would say this a lot to men. I think I'm softer with women with coaching, naturally. I think for many reasons I won't get into now, but when I would coach a guy and he'd be like, yeah, I'm looking for a woman who looks like this, who is at this level professionally, who, yada, yada, yada, he'll name off his entire list. And I'd be like, cool. So if you were her, would you date you? And he's just like, no. But really, like, here's the woman, she's here. Would. If you were her, would you date you? And he's like, no, I don't, I don't think so. Okay, great. So there's a gap. Who do we have to become? And that's it. So it's just like a heart. It's, it's kind of like a harsh in your face, like, step it up. It's either like lower standards of what you're looking for here or elevate your own personal standards, but you're right. And, and every once in a while, like that guy, he might get lucky and be with a woman for a short period of time. She might date him for a couple months, but if it doesn't last, it's because he wasn't on her level yet. And that's okay. That happens in life. It just means, hey, once again, look inward and where we can really step up to be on that person's level, if that's what we want.

Yeah, like, if you want to date somebody that's a nine, like a nine out of ten, you got to be a nine.

Yeah, right.

You. You can't successfully pull that off long term, being a six trying to, Trying to date an eight or a nine. That's just not how it works, unfortunately for, you know, a lot of people. But like that, it's just, it's just a fact of life.

And when we say a nine, I just want to be clear. It doesn't mean physical attraction level. It's the package. It's. It's everything. It's the emotional stability 9. It's the successful guy who's a 9 because he's focused and he is disciplined and wants to make things happen. You think a successful affluent guy who is really intentional about his health, his familial and platonic relationships, his career. You think he's going to be with a woman who is emotionally unstable, who doesn't have any close relationships in her life, who doesn't take care of her health? No, it just. Yeah, he just won't stand for. Maybe he'll sleep with that woman for like a night or something like that. That's the honest truth. But is he going to want to marry that woman? No. And the same for the woman. It just goes both sides. Like, people want to be with their equal. So if we have our eyes sets high, which we should, and we want to stretch that, then it's important for us to once again kind of push ourselves. And this is not meant for you to feel bad about yourself. It's meant for you to really almost hopefully inspire you to, you know, take it to the next level with everything you do and don't go to Saco river and go tubing all weekend every weekend. Because I feel like a six. I feel like a four right now. I think I look like a four. What do you think, Gary?

I mean, let me, let me tell you how much I appreciate, though your clarification about the nine is in all physical, because I. Every time I talk about this in the beginning of the semester, it's always in the beginning of the semester. In my relationship course, I was like, wait a second. I'm going to talk a lot about mate value, and I mean mate value in the sense that evolutionary psychology psychologists talk about it, which, like you said, is the whole complete package. It's not about looks, although people mistakenly make it about looks way too much. So thank you for clarifying that.

Absolutely. All right, we're not going as fast as we thought here, but let's. Let's go through some of this. I think the next one is for me, which I say this constantly, probably about four or five times a week at least, and that is be a chooser, not a chaser. And what this means is that feminine energy, as opposed to masculine energy, is the type of energy that sits back, leans back, and chooses and qualifies the men who are right for her. Once you start getting into the chasing mode, where you're trying to make plans with a guy, you're trying to initiate things, you're trying to progress things forward into a relationship, into marriage, you're to trying, you suddenly turn into the chaser mode. So what we're always saying with our female clients is be the chooser, not the chaser. And if you're in that choosing mindset and you realize that you decide who you allow into your life and who you don't allow into your life, it's very, very empowering. And a lot of our clients will fall into this trap of chasing, chasing, chasing. I'll just say be a chooser, not a chaser. And it works.

Yeah, no, I mean, talk about a simple mindset shift that, you know, strategically helps so many facets of dating and relationships. I mean, that one, that one's really huge because that, that balance of power and relationships is really important. And that kind of, that chooser mentality instead of chasing is. Is, like you said, just critical. The next one is something I say all the time. All the time. And it's. Every relationship problem has the same initial solution. See, were you.

Were you.

Have you been listening to me? What is. What is the. What is my answer to that?

Communication.

Communication.

Communication.

Right. How many times do we talk to clients where it's like, I wonder if this. He. I'm mad at him. Should I say anything? And it's just always, invariably it's, yes, say something, because what's going on in your mind and what you're worrying about is almost always worse than the reality. And if you talk about problems early, you keep the small problems small, and you don't let things grow so they actually become threatening to your relationship.

Yeah, yeah. I. I don't know if you ladies know this or even Gary, but us men, we're not mind readers. We can't read your mind. We just can't. Gary knows this, of course. It's just not. You just can't like in. And I think that especially in female. Male dynamics, women will have a lot of emotions that are occurring within them and they're not sure if they want to bring it up with their guy because their guy is a little bit closed off. It's a whole thing. He's not easily, you know, he doesn't easily open up to you about certain issues. And still, communication is key without it. Because without it, then the relationship it's gonna have. It's like a rug where you just constantly push things under. Before you know it, the rug business builds up and you're going to be tripping over the rug and. And that's where things end. So I totally support that. I agree. Next one that I always say is, this is actually kind of stolen. It's adapted based on a very famous motivational speaker. His name is Jim Rohn. And he always says, you're the average of the five people you spend the most time with. And that is true. And I agree that environment very much so matters, especially the people you spend a lot of time with. But I always say that you are the average of the person you marry. And that's it in the sense that the person we decide to marry, it is the most important decision we'll ever make in our entire life. And if we end up with someone who is not on the same level as us, we will become that person. We'll think the same thoughts, we'll eat the same food, we'll adopt the same behaviors will be. And it doesn't happen instantly. It's just you. You start to merge into your partner in some ways, their negative aspects as well as their positive aspects. And this is said not to like this almost. Now that I'm saying it out loud, it almost sounds like I'm saying that that's a good thing that you become the average of a partner you're with. It's not. I'm not saying this is a good or a bad thing. It's just the reality is you kind of merge into one another. So be very cautious about who you end up with. You end up with an angry person, you're probably going to be a more angry person. You end up with a person who sees the world in all positivity. And it might be a little bit naive. You're probably going to be a little bit more naive and more positive person. So just be aware of that. When you're dating, always be thinking to yourself, would I want to be the average of that person?

But, yeah, do I want to be more like them? Like, whatever their traits are, do I want to be more like that? Because if you do, then great, because that's going to happen. If you don't, well, look out, because that's going to happen. Right. It's like, you have to keep that mentality. And it's like, I'm sure, like, my wife, she's made me a better person. There's no doubt about it. Hopefully I've done the same for her. But that's just. That's the averaging process. And so, like, sometimes people think, like, yeah, okay, they're not quite at my level, but I'm going to help get them there. Probably not more likely they're going to drag you down.

Much more succinct. Thank you, Gary. You're. That's what I was trying to get to perfect.

Boom.

Boom.

So all that whole thing about, you know, like, the averaging, like, how does that come about it? It kind of leads into this thing, and I say a lot, which is progress is more important than perfection. Like, how many people do we know that come into our program and, like, they're looking for the perfect partner? Everybody wants this perfection. And it's. The thing is perfection in relationships, it's a trap. Like, it doesn't actually exist. You're not perfect. Your partner's not going to be perfect. You're not going to be. Like, nothing's ever going to be perfect. But what you want is there to be progress. And so, so many people want to start the relationship off with it being perfect, but really what you want to start off with is a solid foundation, and you and your partner want to work together. Progress toward possible perfection versus starting there, and then just being eternally frustrated that things aren't as easy and simple as you would hope.

Yeah. I had a client actually, on last week's Mastermind. She started by saying, adam, so excited. This program is amazing. You know why I'm like, why? She's like, I just went on a date last weekend, and this guy was literally perfect. Like, we had a perfect first date. He was so charming. We had so much fun. Oh, my God, I'm so over the moon about this. And the funny thing about this moment is she's excited about everything that's going on. She's excited about the program. And there's a part of me that's like, don't burst her bubble. Don't do it, Adam. Like, I have like, the devil and the angel on either side. One's like, don't do it, Adam. Or the angel's like, come on, just let her enjoy this moment. And the other's like, nah, let's warn her. Let's warn her. And I always go with the, you know, my personality. And, and that's the thing is like, and it's okay to have a great first date. Of course, that's wonderful. But we have to go into it with the mindset that nothing is perfect. No relationship's perfect. No connection is perfect. It just means we haven't seen the imperfections yet. And by the way, perfection is boring. Imperfection is actually what makes the world beautiful, I think. So that's not what we're strive, you know, necessarily striving for on a first date. We want to work together towards just a harmonious, healthy relationship, towards relationship synergy. Relationship synergy is not always perfect, but it's, it's definitely creating. Yeah. Like a.

Perfection is an impossible. It's an impossible standard. Like, life is messy, people are messy. Like, relationships are going to be messy a little bit, and that's fine. And so the problem. I'm glad you burst her bubble. I'm glad you were the crusher of dreams on that crusher. It actually it's. It's short term painful, long term helpful. Right. It's like to kind of get her in that. In the proper mindset of thinking, like, okay, it's not perfect. It's really, really good, as it should be early on in a relationship. Like, that's, that's just ideal. You know, her thinking that person was perfect probably says more about her previous relationship experiences. And it does necessarily about that one person.

Correct. And if anything, that's. We've learned over the past decade of, you know, we, we're responsible tens of thousands of relationships, marriages, babies, you name it. Like, we have been a part of that process, which is something I'm very proud of this team and everything we've done over the past decade. But I should say that one thing I've learned is that the vast majority of our clients, they'll find love as a result of the first date actually being quite imperfect. And there's something about the guy that they're not quite sure about, but they're going to give him a shot. And maybe it's because he's shy on the first date. Maybe he's a widower and hasn't been on a first date in 20 years, but there's something a little bit off. And then we'll be like, hey, give him a second shot. Broaden your horizons, be open minded. And then it grows and it progresses and it progresses from there. And that relationship ends up being far more profound and far more beautiful than the one where it's like that first date. Oh, my God, it was so perfect. He said all the right things. And then two months later, it's like, where is he now? He's gone. No, no good. No, for.

For sure. And, you know, so much so that brings us actually very nicely to our next one, which we're up to number eight now. So this is, you know, we talk a lot about empowerment, and so we really try to make sure that folks in our program, our clients recognize just how. How high power they are. And so something you ask people a lot, which is a really nice prompt, is what would a high value woman do in this situation?

Yeah, I've gone out with this guy three times. He hasn't texted me now in two weeks. Should I give him a call? Should I do nothing? Should I do xyz, Adam, what should I do? All I just says, what would a high value woman do? You answer that. And she's like, oh, a high value woman would do this. And in that case, likely nothing. She would continue seeing other people and only allow men who are choosing her or pursuing her into her life. And I love this question because usually when we're struggling in any area of our life, we already know the answer to most of our questions. Like, if I'm gaining weight, If I'm just like, I'm gaining 20 pounds, let's just say, and I've, I've got. I've been there in my life. Certainly all I have to do is say, well, what would a healthy person do? Just start doing that. Like, I already know. It's like, eat less food, don't go on tubing trips, and drink beer and exercise a lot. Generally sleep well, exercise a lot. Like the basics. So it's like, I don't know if I'm gonna go eat that slice of cake. Just ask yourself, would a healthy person eat this cake? No.

Right.

Don't do it. So that's where this actually kind of comes from, is in our love life, you can always be asking yourself, what would a high value woman do in this situation? How would she handle this? And just do that. Chances are you already know the answer. And if you don't, then you bring it to a mastermind with us. And, and we, we explained to you what we've seen work for a lot of high value women.

Yeah. And you know, actually, because you asked that question so much number, I'm jumping ahead. I'm going to skip around a little bit. But, like, one of the things that I started asking people, very much inspired. Learned this by watching you. Right. Is I started asking people, like, what would a secure person do? Because so many of our clients are a little avoidant. They're putting up emotional walls or they're clingy and needy and just like wanting like to text their, their partner every three seconds. And so it's like, wait, wait, all the same. Everything you just said, but now just applied to attachment style, which all of our clients know very, very well. Right. It's like, what would a secure person do in this? And it works amazingly because both of these questions do the same thing, which is it focuses people on an identity, on the type of person they want to be. And so what does secure person would do? You're not going to turn and be secure like this, but it recognizes the fact that you have to do it little by little, step by step. Again, progress, not perfection. Right. But, like, you get 1% better every day, and all of a sudden you're on your path to being the secure person you want to be.

I love that. I have never heard you say that. I don't sit in on all of your masterminds, of course, but I love that. And I'm going to steal that from you. Now. That's fun. That's a good one.

Steal, stealing and stealing, it's all, it's all good.

It's a good thing we work together, so we really can't steal anything from each other. It's perfect. All right, lead us to the goal line here.

So we got a couple more here. And so one of the other things that you say, which I haven't figured out how to steal this one yet, but I probably. Give me some time. You will say to people, you can only be as picky as you are social.

Ooh, my favorite.

What that means.

I think this is one of my favorite. So I get this all the time where a woman would be like, yeah, I have this guy asking me out, but I don't know. I'm not really sure about him. You know, in his pictures, he. He's wearing these kind of weird, baggy jeans, but they're not like the, the cool, like, Jenko jeans that people wear. That's like trendy. It's like just they're not well fitted and they have rips in them. Not like the Diesel jeans that are supposed to be ripped, but like, they're just ripped because. Whatever. And then he sent me something that was a little bit, you know, just. It wasn't the smoothest opening line, it wasn't inappropriate. But, you know, he, he messaged me a few things. There's nothing. I wasn't that excited about it. Should I go out with him? Should I explore? He's asking me out. And the first question I'll always ask as well, how many dates have you been on the past 30 days? Or actually, how many new men have you met in the past 30 days? And if the answer is a zero, then I say you can only be as picky as you are social. So at that moment, she has one of two options. If, and this is assuming that she's in little love step three, four or five. And if you want to learn the little love steps, we have old training. Not to plug it, but like, I don't want to teach the whole process right now@lovestrategies.com we have like a free training that will walk you through that whole thing anyways, plug over. But if you're in little love, step three, four and five, we're all about being social, meeting lots and lots of people very, very, very consistently. And so at this stage, we'll always say, like, look, if you have a zero of your social score, which is something we track, then you have one of two options at this point. One, go out with this guy because you can only be as picky as you are social because you haven't been very social lately. Or two, this next week you are going to go out and you are going to meet as many guys as possible. Singles events, you're going to online date like crazy. You're going to start networking with close friends. You're going to use what we call the social starfish approach, which is getting out there, meeting lots of people in five different ways. All that good stuff, pedal to the metal. And so that's the reality of all this stuff. Because how many clients, Gary, you've seen this, you've been with us for number of years now. How many clients want to just sit back and be like, there are no good guys out there. Oh my God. And it's like they haven't even gone out on a single date. They haven't met a single guy in their area, right?

Yeah. I mean, they're sitting at home saying, there's no Good guys here. But it's like here really is just their house because they haven't gone anywhere else.

Right, right, right.

Like you have to get out there and it's getting out there in all like the typical ways, but it's even just like smiling at people at the supermarket. It's striking up a conversation with somebody when you pick up your dry cleaning. Like it's just all these little things and it's not every little interaction you have isn't about finding your lifelong partner in the dry cleaners, but it's just like starting to just be more social and just putting yourself out there more. And it, it's just amazing. The clients who really kind of embody and take this advice like how much it helps them and how quickly things turn around for them when they do.

Yeah, I would say the, the biggest indicator towards success for our clients are those who embrace our social score strategy that we have where they're actually keeping track. I know this sounds bonkers to new people, so bear with me, but we have our clients actually keep track of the number of new guys that they meet on a regular basis. New men in their general demographic of what they're looking for. And by the way, meeting a guy could be like you said, a smile at, at the light while you're waiting for the, the, the light to switch at. At. On the street. It could be any, like a traffic light. It could be anything like that. So long as you are just saying a quick hello, giving a quick window of opportunity for him to come and talk to you. The, the clients who really embrace that and get excited about it and hit their social score goals, they are the ones with all the power. Because when you have a high social score, you're not scared to break it off with a guy who isn't treating you well. You are also just getting a breadth of different options out there, different guys that you can meet. And then you really are just completely empowered throughout the process. So yeah, you can only be as picky as you are social. Really important one. Thank you, Gary. I love that one.

Yeah, I, I love the social score because you know, as the stat researcher that, that part of me is like you measure what matters and what matters is like meeting people. Like the only way you're going to find anybody is you have to meet people in the first place. And so like putting that in clients mind has. I've seen it work. Like it's, it's amazing. So the last one, one of the ones that I talked about last was the, you know, What's a secure person do? Which leads me into something else that I say a lot around attachment, but it also applies more generally, which is fear and worry. Give bad relationship advice. And so when you're afraid of what's going to go wrong in a relationship that makes things go poorly. Right. If you're afraid of getting hurt, you're going to put up walls. You're not. You're going to like start distancing yourself when things start going well, that, that's bad. If you're worried about someone leaving you, you're going to over text. You're going to like just be too anxious. You're going to chase people around instead of choosing. A lot of times you're going to worry about things that just aren't really problems and you're going to create unnecessary drama and turmoil. And so a lot of times what's really useful is to have a sounding board, someone who's more objective to check in with them, like the clients in our program and they have the community, they talk to the coaches. But it's like rather than operating out of this fear and worry, you operate out of like actually objective, intentional strategy so you end up making better decisions.

Right. I, I really think that that is if you distill any type of coaching or therapy. For what it's worth, there is just so much power in having an outside perspective that's unbiased. Give you advice because like I hear it all the time with our clients, whether they come to you or me or any of our coaches. Total fear and panic. Panic to the max. We went on a date on Saturday. I haven't yet heard from him. It's Sunday at 2pm what should I do? I'm about to do this. And from an outside, from when you're in it, I get it. I've been there where you're like, oh my God, what's gonna happen? Oh my God. This guy is, he's the dreamy man, dreamiest man I've ever been with, yada, yada, yada. But from outside perspective, you're like, what are you talking about? Because we're not, I'm not emotionally involved in it. So we can see through the fog of love very quickly, which is like, it's cool. Just wait. And so having that outside perspective, whether it is in some type of coaching program, therapy or just having a good advisor in your life, someone you can go to that is unbiased, is just so useful to see through that panic and that fear.

Yeah. I mean, how many times you have clients say, oh, my gosh, Adam, you are right. It just happened to me last week. Like, I had back to back weeks of masterminds and something. One of the clients asked me about, like, a guy she had previously dated, and he was kind of hanging around, but he just wants to be friends. I'm like, no, he doesn't. He doesn't want to just be friends. She's like, you're wrong. You're wrong. And I'm like, well, we'll agree to disagree. She comes back.

She asked me the same thing on my Mastermind. I think, really, sometimes clients do this because they want to see if we'll.

They want to see if we say.

Different things because they want us to give the answer that they want to hear. So they'll ask us both. Yeah. So sorry. I didn't mean to cut you off, but I got the same question.

The great punchline. She comes back the next week, and she's. The first question. She's like. She sighs. I'm like, oh, no. What's going. What's going on? What's wrong? She goes, you're right. I'm like, wait, wait, say that again. And it was like. Because she just couldn't see it, and it's like that outside perspective allowed. I was like. Then she's like, he asked me out. I'm like, oh, right. Like, we've been doing this a little while, and we have a different perspective, and we're not involved. And so it's, you know, love and feeling makes you, like, blind, deaf, dumb. Like, you just don't see things as clearly, and, you know, it's something an outsider helps with.

Maybe she can tell me that I was right, too. I'm waiting for that.

I think I was right first. So sorry.

Oh, that's not fair. So you get the W on that. All right. All right. So what, are you gonna go out? Is she gonna go out with him, though, or does she not want to go?

I don't think so. I think she just. She doesn't even really like him. She.

Yeah. Why does he.

Yeah. Like, she's like, why is he hanging around? I'm like, he only. There's only one reason, really. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah.

That's one of the things that, like, an outside perspective helps with that relationship experience, particularly, is breakup. And so I'll save you the long version of this. I did a whole TED Talk on this. But something when people break up, it's. People are always upset. Understandably. Right. But I think, Adam, you kind of show this Perspective too is like, as someone who studies relationships and helps people in relationships, breakups aren't such a bad thing. And so what I always say to people that to help, and people tell me it is helpful, is this idea that great relationships seldom fail, but bad ones do as they should. And so when relationships end, it hurts. It's not great, but it's like it ended because it needed to end. And so the fact that it ended now saves you another five, six months or years or decades being in a relationship that actually wasn't ideal for you.

Yeah, I, you know, I was thinking about this this morning and do you know how in Silicon Valley when you're like a startup tech founder, you're an entrepreneur, they actually celebrate the founders who start a business and fail. Or Google is very good about this. Google, they, they have all these like little projects that they run. They start these mini companies and, and when a team fails, they actually, I think, I don't want to misquote it, but I think they have almost a bigger celebration when they fail than if, when they win. And I think there's something that can be applied to relationships with the same idea where if you start dating someone and it fails, or you're in a relationship, or if you've been married and the relationship ends, there should be some level of, I think, celebration in that moment where it's like, now I can learn for the next one. Whereas I think society has taught us that like, if you're in a 10 year marriage and it ends, then that 10 years is wasted and gone. Right. There's something wrong with it. Like that whole 10 years of your life, black, dark hole, nothing really happened, no joy. And if it doesn't last until like the last breath of your life, then it was, it meant nothing. And I just think that there, there's something that we can take from that Silicon Valley idea of like, failure is okay. Breakups are okay. If you've been married two times, it's okay. And those relationships, they ended for a reason. And now we move forward and we bring those learnings to the next one.

Yeah. It allows you, it allows you to find something better now. Right. Because if it was really that great, it would have, it would have worked out. And in fact, it didn't work out means that there's something out there better for you. And so you just have to kind of be patient and be, be on the lookout for those things. All right, so here we are. We're finally, we're at the, we're at the end this is number 13. I saved this one for the end because it kind of encapsulates everything that we talked about in the previous 12 and kind of everything we do at Love Strategies. And so this is something, Adam, you say a lot, which is stop playing games and start being strategic.

Yeah. Start bringing some strategy to your love life. I mean, strategy is really just a matter of where we prioritize our energy and thinking through intentionally what we're going to do next to get the desired result that we want. And we do this in all areas of our life, typically if we're successful in our health and fitness professionally. If you're a business owner, if you're anything, you're. You have a strategy, you have an idea of how you get to that, that end point. And for whatever reason, our love life, all common sense, all common dating advice is just like, follow your heart, follow your emotions, whatever you feel. Oh, what do you feel? It must be right. Always, like, always go with it. And there's something to that. But strategy allows us to step outside and be like, okay, how am I going to get to the end? The desired result, which is a healthy, long lasting relationship, by the way. There really is no end result there, as we've talked about today. But like at least being in that relationship and then continuing, continuing to. To have some work to continue that relationship in order to get there, we need to have some level of just thoughtfulness and strategy and be able to walk away from those. Those bad situations that aren't serving us and then lean into the good ones. And game playing is where we're really. The only difference between game playing and strategy, I think, is one is intentionally manipulative and the other one isn't. Like in some ways, like, game playing is like you're trying to manipulate someone and lie to them and be deceptive, whereas strategy is still being. It's being thoughtful about your actions, but doing it authentically.

Yeah. I'd also say that strategy is more based on science and research and known principles and game playing, it's like applying bad advice and things that seem like common sense that usually are wrong, that just people don't realize are wrong. Um, and so, you know, can people find love without strategy? Sure. It's. But it's like taking shots in the dark and it's a lot of trial and error and it's like, do you have as the time and the emotional tolerance for all the, all the error that. That's going to be wrapped up in this? This is like kind of the, the cheat code that allows you to get there faster because you're. You're building on some known principles and being able to apply it to your own life. And it's like, that's how we do almost everything else in our life. Right? You don't just kind of, like, randomly, like, what should I eat today? What's good for me? Is this rock good? Let me try. Like, we don't do that stuff. Like, we. We actually just follow known principles and, you know, known strategies. So it's. I'd only apply this to our love life, you know, who knows? But we definitely should.

Yeah. So what do we do? We follow our heart, but bring a little strategy along with us. Right, Gary. That's Gary's tagline. He's been pushing hard at Love Strategies. It's starting to catch on. I'm. I'm liking it day by day here.

It's great. It's. It's everything you need. Because it's like, you. You can't get around this idea that relationships are emotional, and there's an emotional connection, and there is something to be said about that feeling in your heart. But it's like, to get it right, which is ultimately what we want to do, you're gonna have to use a little strategy. It's just gonna make your love experience that much better.

Amen. So, yeah, follow these principles. These are the things we reinforce daily. A lot of these things are simple. They are meant to simplify your love life, not to make them more complicated. These are also ideas that constantly need to be reinforced. So, of course, again, not to plug, but if anyone wants any more help in this area of your life, this is all we do is help in this area, talking about these exact topics, and we coach our clients on the specifics on how to make that happen. So we're here for you anytime. Hopefully, this is really helpful for you. And, yeah, we'll speak to you all next week.

Okay, take care.

All right, so now you've reached the end of the show. Please make sure you follow and subscribe to the Love Strategies podcast, where wherever it is that you're listening so that you never feel alone again on your journey to love. As always, if you want to unlock all of our love strategies and begin your love life transformation, head over to lovestrategies.com to get started. Stay beautiful and speak to you next week.