3 Reasons to Avoid Long Distance Relationships

In today's podcast, we're going to be discussing three reasons to avoid long distance relationships like the plague. Okay, is there some long distance relationship situations that can be really, really tricky and make your dating life really hard? But because we. Our podcast is so nuanced. In fact, it's the most nuanced dating relationships podcast in the world. We're also going to give you a couple reasons why it can work.

Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else. Backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of love strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy.

How's that for an opener, Gary? A little confusing. I love reasons to avoid two reasons why it can work.

I love it because I feel like all the other places I ever see advice about this. It's like, don't do this and here's why. Or you absolutely should do this and here's why. It's amazing. And the fact of it is, it's both. It's both. And our clients, this is one of the biggest questions we get. At least I get this all the time. I think every week on a Mastermind talking to clients, I get a question somewhere along the lines of, how far is too far? Like long distance? Like long distance. When you say long distance, like, how far is too far? And essentially they like asking this because they're looking for me to basically sign their permission slip to say 2 hours is okay or 12 hours or literally this last week, last Wednesday, somebody said he's, he lives 20 hours away. Is that far? Yes. Like, that's like a plane ride, a bike. That is very, very far.

And so is it 20 hours driving, 20 hours flying. What do we.

It was 20 hours driving. Patek. 20 hours of anything is too much. It's just, it's, it's way too much. And I think so often they're looking for permission and we don't give permission. Like, that's not what we do. And we don't give absolute rules. But, but we do have a guideline. Adam, you have a guideline. And it's one of those things our clients love. So this is one of those. They push back every time you Give them this little guideline, they push back. What, what is your guideline?

Generally speaking, no more than one hour away. All right, One hour is acceptable. And again, there are nuances. There are plenty of situations. We've had clients. In fact, I just got an email from one of our clients who met a guy who, who lived two and a half hours away, but she had a very unique, specific situation in the far off regions of Vermont where, you know, she just happened to come across this guy. She broke, quote, unquote, the guideline, which is fine. And now she's literally in the best relationship of her life. She just sent me an email this, this morning. It's really funny. So, but our general principles is try and keep it within an hour. Right? And there's. We have literally decades of experience, data and strategy baked into that, and we don't need to go into all that. But generally speaking, especially when you're online dating, keep it within an hour. And today's podcast, we're going to be talking a lot about that, why it is that we have that guideline and the odds of it working. But also, if you find yourself in that situation of being with someone who lives further than one hour away, how is it that we can actually make it work? And it sometimes actually make it even better right off the bat than it would be if he was close by. So there's a lot of really good stuff in here that I think will help you out a lot if you find yourself dating in these situations that are just a little bit trickier. Because I will say, before we get into it, this is a growing phenomenon. This is not a dying phenomenon. You know, every year, more and more long distance relationships are happening because of obviously dating apps, the Internet, yada, yada, yada. But also these dating apps are in many ways encouraging long distance relationships because they are optimizing for you to get matches. They don't really care if you're in a relationship. I hate to say it. They don't care if you're in a relationship with these people. They just want to keep you engaged on the app so that you pay them money. So they're very, they're very, very incentivized to just give you matches, even if someone lives 10 hours away. And I think to myself, what are you doing dating apps gods out there? Like, why? What are you doing to my clients? Stop it.

Now.

Luckily, our clients don't fall into that trap, but a lot of people out there do certainly.

Well, I like how you started off this podcast talking about the nuance, because I think long distance relationships is one of the most nuanced topics because there's so many factors that go into it. And like you said, that client who. I know exactly who you're talking about. It's, it's why masterminds with our clients are so important, because so many people on the Internet say, do not do this thing. And they come out with these hard rules. But it's like there are certain cases where other paths make sense and sometimes you have to talk those things through with someone who's knowledgeable so that you make sure you're still doing the right thing and just following hard and fast rules all the time. I don't know, it's, it can lead you astray as well. And so I, I just, I think hopefully, you know, anybody interested in long distance, we're also going to talk some things at the end about how long distance works. And some of those principles are really useful for people in what researchers call proximal or nearby relationships too. So hopefully you'll stick around for that. Um, I want to start off a little data if, if, if you, if you will indulge me. Um, because I think implicit in the question of like, how far is too far is how is this going to impact my chances of making this work. And so every single person gets into a long distance relationship hoping it's gonna work. That's, that's generally the plan, right? And so I found some data. This is from 30, 000 plus people, tons of data points. Among all relationships, only 16% were in a long distance relationship. 21% had been in one at, at one time. Importantly, in those relationships, 25% or one out of four had experienced cheating. Somebody cheated in that relationship. 25% or one out of four married, the numbers are fairly similar. Only 6% of married people are in a long distance relationship. Of married people, only 15% were in a long distance relationship at one time. Which I think that's kind of telling, right, that that percentage drops. But them, it's the same deal. One out of four experience cheating as well. And so I think depending on where you want to land on long distance relationships, you can hear those numbers and think that sounds really good for long distance relationships. Or you can look at it and say that sounds really bad. But I think a lot of our clients are inclined to want to be able to pursue long distance. And so those numbers I just shared basically says, yeah, it can work. Long distance. With 6% of married couples long distance, they had 15% had been in a long distance relationship at one time. Can it work? And my answer to that is always yes, yes it can. But. But is it likely? And the answer to that is also no, it's not likely for it to work. Like, it's, it's just the odds are against you. And so you can date long distance, but it's in many ways it's like dating on hard mode. It's like running uphill.

Especially when it comes to a brand new relationship.

Yes.

I think there's a very big difference between a couple who met locally, then got married, and then someone goes off for a job or they're in the military and go away for a year and then come back. That's very different than you live in Boston, he lives in San Francisco, and you met on the apps and you're trying to make this thing work. Two very, very different scenarios. And so that is going to be a lot of what we discuss here. So let's start with some of the negatives and the three reasons to avoid long distance relationships. Gary, do you want to just kick us off with the first one?

Yeah. I put this one first because I think this one is so important. One of the reasons to avoid a long distance relationship is if you in particularly are drawn to them. If you find long distance appealing, that's a red flag for you. Because what I've seen over the last three and a half years working directly with clients about this, the ones who want to pursue long distance relationships, the primary motivator for that is their own avoidant attachment. Because a long distance relationship in many ways for someone who's avoidantly attached is perfection. You get all the pursuit of a relationship. It feels relationship ish, but it's also really hard to be vulnerable, to open up. It's safe. There are states away, they're hours away. There's this barrier that's already there that can help you feel safe. And also if some reason, likely reason that this relationship falters and the connection isn't quite there, there's a ready made, building excuse for why it didn't work out. That's not about you. It's just like, oh, well, the circumstances, the distance, distance didn't work. And I think, does this happen a lot? And the answer is yes. And there's one stat in that long distance relationship stuff that kind of stuck out to me and it's 11% of long distance relationships have never met in person.

That is ridiculous.

Ever. Never ever.

Okay. I'm a big principles guideline guy, but I'm also a rule guy in some scenarios. Here's a rule. Never, ever, ever be exclusive in a relationship with a person you have not met in real life. Yeah. You are not exclusive. Do not be exclusive with someone you haven't met. Met.

Yeah, simple.

11%.

11%, right. So of those 11%, if you had to guess, and I'm, I'm putting you on the spot Here, of those 11, how. What percentage of those people are actually interacting with a scammer?

Yeah. Do you know the answer?

No, I don't. I'm just, I'm just guessing. I'm just speculating.

I would speculate to say about 30 to 40%.

Yeah, I was even going to go higher. I was going to say 50%. Right. It's like if you are spending all this time with somebody that you haven't met, the chances of them being a scammer are very high.

Well, Gary, let me ask you this question. Of the other 50% who are real, what percentage of those guys have terrible breath?

You know, there's a zero percentage of those guys, you're gonna meet them in real life and they just, their breaths stinks. They got dragon breath. Hi. I'm so glad we've been talking for the past year and you're just like, oh, no, gingivitis.

It's, that's really what I thought you were going to ask was what percentage of the rest of this 50% have another family, another relationship, are married? To which I was going to say 49.5%.

Yeah, exactly right.

Like if you're not talking to a scammer, if you're not talking to a scammer, you're talking to someone who's got other things going on and you might be their back burner, backup partner, fallback plan. And it's in any case not a good idea. But if you're avoidantly attached, you can, it's very easy to convince yourself to end up in these relationships. And so interestingly, what that research also shows is that people that end up in long distance relationships tend to feel more anxious or more vulnerable, but they're also more fearful about living with a partner. And again, that's, that's all consistent with avoidant attachment.

And so why do people choose to live apart? This is a separate research study. This one was done with a whole bunch of interviews. And so couple main reasons, number one was they've been hurt before. And again, very resonant with avoidant attachment is I don't want to lose everything in my house. I don't want to be possessed. I don't want to be. Be not. Like really, people have had some severe traumas and so that's what they're trying to avoid. Again, self protective. Lots of it's self preservation. Just, you know, not wanting to deal with another person in your house. You don't like their habits, you don't like how they do things. Maybe, you know, the thermostat issue. They like the house too, you know, and avoidantly attached. People come up with a lot of these reasons. My partner is too earth conscious. My partner is a night owl and I'm a morning person. My partner likes the house to be a different. They like it at 72 degrees and I like it at 73 degrees. We can't make this work. And so, you know, it's. It's easy to come up with justifications for why things aren't going to work. And long distance relationships just allows a lot of that to take root in a way that feels justifiable and smart, but actually is maintaining distance in a way that's avoiding connection.

Yeah, it's a way of keeping body armor on you, you know, so protecting you from them seeing you for who you really are, or vice versa. It just creates this literally physical divide between the two of you that just doesn't allow for the deep side of connection. And guess what? The deepest side of connection comes from your imperfections, not your perfections. Which I think lends well to. The second reason why we want to avoid long distance relationships is that it allows a relationship to feel like perpetual dating. You're almost stuck in the perfect stage of dating, whereas the honeymoon phase, it's like whenever you get to see each other, it's always that date. It's like you haven't seen each other in a month. Guess what? The moment you see each other, you come over their house, rip each other's clothes off. It's just the most passionate lovemaking you've had because it's been built up over time. And that's all well and good and that's super fun. I'm not against any of that.

Yeah, that sounds pretty awesome, by the way.

It sounds pretty awesome. In fact, you know, do I need to be in a long distance relationship? That sounds great. However, can you really keep that going forever? And is that really a true meaningful relationship? Because I think that the true meaningful relationships that we have in our lives come from kind of the boring moments together where you're actually doing life together, where you're going to the grocery store, which I Hate so much. I just hate going to the grocery store. It's so annoying. And honestly, I'm a big Amazon guy when it comes to that nowadays. But if I were, it's from those moments where you're kind of going shopping together, spending time doing some errands and doing the boring stuff and talking about, you know, decorating the house and doing the dishes, that's where you actually get to know someone. It's not on a two day weekend fling that you get to have with one another once a month or every two months. Because I will tell you. And I can think of one particular relationship that I know of in my personal life. Group of friends where they were in a two year long distance relationship and then he moved all the way to North America from a different continent. I'm not going to say which one. I don't want to share too much here. And within two months of living together, they were broken up. Like it was just over. It was like, oh, this is who I'm really dealing with. Oh, no.

Right. Because life isn't a permanent vacation. It's just not like we would love it to be. I mean, who wouldn't? But it's just, it's just not. And so you got to figure out who that person is because ultimately, what do you really want from a relationship? Like, you want someone to share your life with and live life together side by side, not, you know, over texts and emails or however you're communicating. Like, it's, it's like a proxy relationship. Ish. That again, I mean, it's exactly. It's very appealing to people who are avoidant, who want to just kind of dip their toe in the relationship world without being fully in. But I like that you shared that story of your, of your friend because it brings us to the third reason of why long distance relationships are problematic, which is, you know, there's many miles between you and that creates many problems. There's just pragmatic issues again. In that same data set, 32% of people who were in a long distance relationship said they would not do it again. So like, why, like, what's, what's the problem? We just said a second ago it's like permanent dating, so why would they not do it? And it's like, it's hard. There's lonely, there's more lonely. So long distance relationships have more loneliness, jealousy, insecurity, People grow apart, they have more anxiety over the future lack of physical intimacy because you're not in the same zip code. And like we said before, there's more cheating. 25%. That's. That's hard. This. All this stuff is especially hard for partners who are prone to insecurity and jealousy. Now, you might be thinking, I'm fine. I don't. It doesn't bother me. What about your partner? Do they have issues with these things? That's gonna. That's gonna be a problem. But the last one, which very much jives with the story you just shared, Adam, is the research is very clear that long distance relationships, people get in them expecting to turn their long distance relationship into a proximal relationship, where, like, we live together, we're in the same zip code, all that kind of stuff. But what happens, the research shows, is people expect that it's going to be about 14 months till they reunite. So great. They're like, okay, I can. I can put up with this for about a year. But 33% of couples that reunite break up after just three months.

Wow.

So a third of them. It's like, this thing was amazing. We get together. This is what we've been working for. This is what it was all about. Within three months, a third of them done doesn't work because you haven't been building. You haven't been working on the skills, on the relatability, on building the depth and the foundation. It's just harder to do long distance. So much of what happens too, is long distance. It allows you to really idealize your partner. They can seem more perfect than they actually are because you're not seeing how they leave the toothpaste open on the counter. You're not seeing how they leave the cabinet doors open in the kitchen. You're not seeing all the ways that they're annoying. It's unrealistic, and it falls apart as soon as you start living together. It's like, oh, my gosh, this person smells. This person chews with their mouth open. Like, it's just like, you have to realize it's a whole other study from. Oh, I found the exact same thing. It's like when long distance couples never didn't have to be apart anymore, the relationships actually got worse, which is weird. It's because it's the exact opposite of what you'd expect, particularly those that are fans of long distance relationships.

Well, for those who are still listening through all that nerd alert research, you're probably really interesting in research. And one thing that we have done here is we have compiled 44,000 of our client profiles and we've created what we call four different attraction archetypes. And once you understand your attraction archetype, you understand a lot about your relationship patterns, why it is that we might be drawn to certain partners, and why it is that we might even avoid situations or, or lean into situations like long distance relationships. So if you want to take this very simple quiz, I'd highly recommend it. I think it'd be helpful for you. It's@attraction type.com. it's a special link. It's like nine questions that you can answer. And then you're going to learn a lot about your attraction archetype, some of those patterns, and why it might be leading you into the arms of the wrong men. Gary really helped me with that. He is our statistician nerd over here. Finally calling you a nerd. Is that why you're avoiding moving to Boston? I'm trying to get you to move to Boston.

It's, it's, yeah, it's the intellectual bullying. I can't really anti it.

Gary, I think you're very avoidant. That's why you're not. You know, if anyone thinks that Gary should move to Boston so we can do in person podcasts, you know, let me know in the comments. Let's, let's start a movement here.

Or if people think Adam should move to New York City, also leave comments.

Dear God. No. Dear God. Been there, done that. Highly avoidant of New York City. Made for New Jersey. Give me the short, dude.

Suburbs in New Jersey can be really nice.

Exactly. So with that said, let's talk about some ways that long distance can work because it sounds like Gary and I will be long distance for a long time. So. Yeah.

Can I give you a confession?

Yes, please.

I got a confession. Colleen and I, I've been in a long distance relationship. I don't think you even did. I don't think you knew that.

I don't.

All the trash talk you give about long distance relationships and I myself for an entire year was in a long distance relationship. After Colleen and I met, we were together for a little less than a year and then I had to go away on a special mission to solve world peace. No, I, I just had. I had to go to grad school.

And so we were long distance for an entire year. And so I always feel like a certain level of, like, I don't know, ambivalence about the long distance thing, but I think to one of your earlier points is we started off in the same place. We started off with a really good foundation of really getting to know each other and then the distance actually in many ways, helped solidify what we had already gotten started.

I agree. I. I honestly think we should call this long distance dating versus long distance relationships. Like where. Where my big issue lies with clients is if you are just getting to know someone, if you find yourself in a certain life, logistical situation, I have no qualms with that, with working everything in your ability to make something work, that is a great connection. No issues there. We're not like, oh, now Gary needs to go to grad school, so you guys should break up, right? Of course not. That's so silly. And so I think I see those being as totally congruent with what we teach. It's just those scenarios which happens all the time. We see it where you just connect with someone and they live far away and you want to give them your time and attention. It's like, puts more of that energy into dating people locally than someone who's long distance. But with that said, there are a few ways that long distance can work. Gary, you want to kick us off with the first one?

Yeah. And I think this is where the nuance comes in. Like, dating versus relationships. Everything you just said, I completely agree with. And so, you know, I think in my particular case, the one way it can work is basically there was no other choice.

Right.

Like, it started off in person, things were going great, everything seemed amazing. But then sometimes life just gets in the way and other things conspire against your relationship, and you have to be resilient and work through those things. And so I think the good side of that is it forces pacing, and it really forces you to prioritize emotional intimacy over physical intimacy. You really have no choice. And so some research shows that missing your partner is a really good thing. Like, we don't like it necessarily. It's not something we're like, looking forward to all the time. But when you miss your partner, the research shows it helps maintain your relationship. It triggers a lot of commitment, orientation. It encourages a lot of positive behaviors, like being nice to our partner, better communication, more affirmations of telling our partner how much we care. Like, you really get in this habit of being really clear about how much your partner means to you. And so it. All that stuff's really important. The other really big thing that long distance helps with is in heterosexual couples, especially just basic division of labor. And so traditionally, women do a ton more around the house. But if your guy has lived by himself and you weren't cohabitating together, he has to learn how to cook, do the dishes, keep his house reasonably Clean, not least, maybe he'll leave, still leave stuff all over the place. But it's like he becomes much more domesticated in a way that when, when you do end up back together is quite helpful.

Yeah, definitely. I, I totally agree with all of that. And I think that, that it makes sense, you know, it. Especially the part about building emotional intimacy. There are some people who just jump into a physical intimacy way too quickly and they can absolutely work a lot of strategies that we teach, and they certainly do. But this does put them in a position where they're just forced to not start off a relationship solely based on sex. You know, because we all know that. Well, we don't all know. We know being coaches for so long that if a relationship has a foundation of just sexual, then guess what? It is very, very hard to build the emotional attraction that comes along with it. If it starts off with emotional attraction first, which I highly recommend doing in person, ideally. But if it's forced through long distance, then that's a great foundation to a relationship.

Yeah, and that's the thing. And that, that's the second way that long distance really works. And there's actually research that shows long distance relationships that have started in person end up long distance. Those long distance relationships in many ways are better than proximal relationships because they are built on this strong foundation, because you have the strong foundation of emotional intimacy, friendship first. That leads to stronger relationships. Tons of research support on that. There also becomes in these relationships a better balance, and a better balance specifically between the idea of me versus we. When you're apart, you still get a chance to be yourself. You're not solely defined as somebody else's partner or the relationship's not taking up all your time. You still, you know, you're living in separate towns, you have your own activities, your own friends, your own things that you're doing, and you each have that. So that allows you both to just bring a little bit more to the table. And something we know. It's a classic social psychological theory called optimal distinctiveness. And it's kind of this balance between we all need to be individuals. And that's true. But then when you're in a relationship, we also need to be part of a couple. And too often, particularly in proximal relationships that are very sexual and move too fast, we very quickly lose the me and just focus entirely on the relationship and on the we part. And that tends to feel good for a short period of time, but it falls apart. And so these long distance relationships get a chance to Build better communication patterns, better, better habits. There's built in novelty when you don't see each other all that much. So that's pretty good. There's also this real strong element of teamwork where, you know, something I talk about in our relationship Synergy program all the time is the importance of taking this stance with your partner, of it's not me versus you, it's us against the problem. And so in a long distance relationship, you get to have this like, hey, babe, we've got to figure out this distance thing together. Like, it's us versus the distance. And that can be really, really, really positive.

I totally agree. And so with all of that, I think there are lessons to be extracted from long distance relationships that we can apply to our local dating and local relationships. So for those of you who are listening and thinking to yourself, man, I'm only long distance relationships because I can't find any good guys near me. I don't know have any strategies on how to actually make it happen so I can be in that long distance relationships relationship. That's what we do and that's what we're here for. We'll guide you through every step of the process. Not only just creating an online dating profile that will just position you in the greatest light, but also attract the right types of men, as well as strategies on how to connect with, where to go to meet these guys and how to connect with them, how to flirt, how to have fun through the process. And we're going to hold you accountable. You know, we're going to actually point you in the direction. Our coaching staff, they are the best, best in the world at doing this. So if you want some guidance in your love life, some accountability over the next six months to guide you through this process, then I recommend heading on over to loveapply.com you can apply for a complimentary love strategy session with someone on my team who's going to understand your unique situation, where you live, where it is that you're struggling, and how it is, if we think it's a fit, how it is that we can help you in your love life be able to track that man and that local relationship that you truly deserve. And Gary, this is a great one. I appreciate it and I will talk to all you beautiful ladies very soon. All right, Bye, guys.

Bye.