3 Transformative Steps for Getting Over Your Ex

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The guy who's purposely not giving you closure, he's saying, it's over, but it then strings you along with a random text here, a random text there, and he's kind of like keeping you on the back burner in case whatever other person he's pursuing doesn't work out so he can come back to you or just kind of like breadcrumbing you along, kind of keeping you interested. So he always has that possibility. He's basically just preying on your emotions because he knows you to rekindle this relationship.

All right, Gary, today we're going to be talking about breakups. And for whatever reason, like, talking about breakups is something that I've generally avoided over the past decade because in my mind, like, the dark underbelly of the dating coaching industry is like, how to get your ex back. How do you do it? Like, the three simple words that'll get your ex back. And I think that that's what's drawn me to you. You know, what drew me to you. Many years ago, when I first saw your TED talk about breakups, I'm like, this is deal stuff about how to overcome breakups, how to move forward with your life, rather than, like, manipulating your ex into falling back in love with you. So, yeah, I think this would be a really good topic for anyone who is going through a breakup and can move forward in their life.

Yeah. I mean, because when it comes down to it, they're your ex for a reason. And so all of those things that are like, try to get your ex back, it's like, well, wait a second, are you sure that's really what you want? Because sometimes you can play a game and win a prize, but it's not a great prize. Right. And so, you know, when it comes to your ex, there's history there, and the history is usually not very good. That's why they're your ex. And so really what you want to do, instead of trying to win them back is try to move past them so that you can really move forward into your next relationship.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, those. Those coaches out there who will be like, use this to get your ex back in the next six weeks. They're preying on you during a very vulnerable stage in your life when all you want in the short term is to feel that closeness again. You want to feel that partner back in your life. You want to have that love from that human being. But when you start zooming out on your entire life, it's likely that that's not the best course of action for you. It's likely that the course of action is to move forward, get over this person, so that you can find the right type of person to spend the rest of your life with. And I think as we're going through this today, I want you to really start thinking through if you are going through a breakup or you're still suffering from heartbreak, start really thinking about where it is that you want to be. Not in the next three weeks or three months, but in the next three years, in the next 30 years. Zoom out a little bit on your life. And ideally, or most likely, if you're doing that, you're going to realize, hey, it's time to get over this dude. He wasn't good for me. Let's make life happen. You know what I'm saying?

Right. Because, you know what you want right now may not be what's best for you.

Yeah, exactly. So walk us through it, Gary. I'd love to hear it.

All right. So when it comes to dealing with breakup and moving past your ex, we really want to go through a transformative process where we're not being stuck with that past relationship, and we really want to move forward. And so the first step is to really just realize what went wrong. And so we're calling that the two R's reflect and recognize. So you actually want to see the actual problem. And so one of the things that we like to do when we kind of, like, rehash a breakup and kind of ruminate on what went wrong is people fall into focusing on specific qualities. And so they think, like, I'm going to miss my partner. And then they start focusing on specific qualities, like physical things like his lips, his hair, maybe it's personality things like his sense of humor, his confidence, his.

Manliness, how he is in bed.

Of course, it's an easy one to focus on because it's like, those are tangible, they feel somewhat concrete, they're easy to remember, and they're frankly Easy to miss. But those superficial things, and a lot of those things are superficial, you know, how good they are in bed and the quality of their hair, you know, like those are not what make for a good long term relationship. However, people even still focus on some bad qualities that might be important for long term relationships. But it's still, it's still the wrong way to go about it. And so one of those things is like he just had a bad temper. He was just way too busy at work. And so essentially what's happening and what the problem now those things are problematic, don't get me wrong, but the problem that's happening in this context is they're boiling down their entire relationship to a problem with that one specific thing. Right. And that is a gross, gross oversimplification because it wasn't just his temper. It wasn't just that he was busy at work. And this mindset lulls you into this sense of like, well, if only he wasn't so busy at work, then everything would magically be fine, right?

Yes, it's really honing it. I mean, that's, I feel like how our memory works is in specific things that just kind of always just stick with us, like his temper, his hair, his lips, how he's in bed. But it doesn't actually look at the relationship itself, which is, I think where you're going here.

Yeah, it's like this mental shorthand. It's like what we call in psychology a heuristic that you're using this, just one piece to kind of encapsulate the whole entire experience. And don't get me wrong, it simplifies things tremendously. But unfortunately in this case, it's an oversimplification. And so, you know, like we often do, rather than just kind of pointing out a problem, we're going to give you a strategy to kind of thwart this tendency, which is instead of focusing on specific qualities, you really have to look back and reflect on the dynamics between you and your former partner. So not just did they have a temper, but like, how did they treat you? How did they make you feel? Right. And really focus on things like were they kind, were they supportive, were they respectful? How was your communication? Were you guys good friends? Because those things, like you said earlier, those are going to matter in three years, 30 years. I mean, those are not short term, superficial things. And too often, like focusing on dynamics is a little bit more complicated. It's a little bit more to think about and really to kind of remember it's kind of short circuits that shorthand we were talking about. But it's really those dynamics that are important.

Yeah, I think it's so important because a lot of times in breakups, there's nothing wrong with either of you. It's just your dynamic together. Like there's three parts of any relationship. There's you, there's him, and there's how you interact with each other. And, and let's say he was super outgoing, he was loud, he was the type of person who would own a room. And you're the type of person who's shy, doesn't really necessarily like to meet lots and lots of new people, doesn't like to go to like crowded places or like concerts. There, there's nothing wrong with either of those things. It's just you're not going to work well together. Or, and, and I think a lot of times in relationships that's just the case where the dynamic, the, the, the chemistry between the two of you, and I don't mean the short term chemistry like, you know, the, the butterflies. I mean just like how it is that you work together as a unit, it just doesn't, it doesn't jive. And we want it to jive. If we're honing in on the specific things that's going to lead you astray because you're going to be like, oh, but yeah, he was, he was really funny and all that stuff, but he was also this. Or, and, and, and you'll focus in on the specifics rather than how it is that you actually work together as a unit and just realize that sometimes there's nothing wrong with either person in the relationship. It's just that dynamic.

Yeah, two great people can have a really terrible relationship just because of how like the mesh, like how they're integrating with each other, the alignment just doesn't work right. And that's, that's okay. That's actually really helpful because you want to find that out as soon as possible so you don't waste your time trying to solve that same problem for the next 50 years of your life.

Right, right. You know, another, I feel like another thing people do is just, they overemphasize like that early part of their relationship. They go back to that time when they first met and everything was like so incredible. When everyone's of course, on their best behavior and that dynamic is, is just amazing. But they don't really focus on how it ended or how things have been lately. It's so easy to forget that like, yeah, okay, he might have been like Prince Charming. On for the first three months, but towards the end, like he was conniving and manipulative and he would even say things to just put you down, like remember those things rather than the beginning of it.

Right. And so, you know, when we're saying the two Rs and one of them is reflect, don't forget the other R, which is recognized. Like, so you can reflect back on your relationship and it's, it's easy to get into the feels and the nostalgia of like how things were in the beginning. And like that's who he really is. Like, that's the real him. And it's like, no, not actually. Like the early part isn't special. Everyone's on their best behavior. That's him at his very, very, very, very absolute best. That's not the real person. The real person is like you just said, it's like who he's been lately. And so it's important as you're reflecting that you realize don't just take your former partner at their best moments. Take them at their most typical moments because it's what they're typically like on a day to day basis. Not anybody in their best moments. Because a long term relationship is about day to day. It's not about you at your absolute best.

Yeah. And if every time you're talking to like a girlfriend or you're, you're grabbing a, a drink with your girlfriend, you're talking about your ex and if you, every time you talk about him, you have the person across from you is reframing you or correcting you and be like, actually no, he wasn't like that. Actually, no, your relationship wasn't like that, then you are clearly glorifying your relationship. Like it's good to sometimes get external feedback from other people when you're just talking about the relationship, especially close friends who have seen the dynamic between the two of you, they can give you a perspective that you're clearly just not seeing clearly. And I get it. Like when you're going through the grieving process of a breakup, like our brain chemistry, it does some crazy stuff and it's, we're not thinking clearly. So sometimes be open to getting that feedback through this reflection period from other people because chances are they saw the nastiness, they saw how it wasn't really working. And they're not just thinking back to that first couple days. They don't care about the first couple dates, only you do. Right. They saw you when you were in it with this person and when it wasn't really working.

Yeah. And ultimately it's the most recent couple of months. I mean, because that's. If you want to look at trajectory, where that relationship was headed, where it starts is not nearly as important as where it's been lately. And so focusing on that, it's going to give you a better picture of how things would have kept going in reality. And hopefully having friends around that are going to keep you honest, that. That's going to help you see that more clearly for sure. Yeah.

Amen.

You know, so the other piece of this is, you know, we said there's three transformative steps. The second step is the thing everybody says that they want when it comes to a breakup. And they say it's. They say this is critical to moving on. This is critical to getting over somebody. And the answer to that, it's closure. Everybody wants closure. Here's the thing. You broke up. That's closure. That's closure. That's. That's actually all the clothes, like, you already have closure. But then, you know, you've been on, on calls with clients and things, and people say, but I want closure from him. I haven't heard from him. Guess what?

That's disclosure.

That's closure.

Right?

No response. No response is a response.

Right.

Particularly when it comes to texting. But he never texted back. I never really heard for sure that it's over. A text takes 1.2 seconds or something. It's like the most minimal amount of time. If he can't be bothered to text you about something, that's closure.

Hey there, everyone. I just want to take a quick pause on the podcast because I know we're probably talking about this concept, we call it the little love steps. And I want you to have all the information of exactly what this means so that you can attract that man, that relationship you truly deserve. So if you want to learn the seven little love steps to attracting that relationship you deserve, head on over to lovestrategies.com and we're going to walk you through a step by step process to learn this information and take risk, real action in your love life. Again, that's lovestrategies.com and let's get back to the podcast. I mean, closure is. It's elusive. It's not something that, like, people think that they want closure, but really what they want is a reopening. They think that, oh, just if I can have one more conversation, then I'll be able to actually reopen it. Because if they get the real closure on that conversation, it doesn't actually close the door. Let's say the guy is like, dude, dude. He wouldn't say dude. The guy says, look, this is over. This is never going to be a thing again. I don't see this happening. Still in our mind, if we're going through that grieving process of a breakup, we're going to think, I don't know, I think I can win this over. And so let's not trick ourselves into believing that suddenly we're going to just get all of this closure, no matter what form it comes in.

I.

All the time, Gary, I know you'll say this type of thing. I certainly say this to, to our clients when they say, well, I haven't heard back from him. It's been two weeks. I really want to just text him and get some closure. I say, here's the gift of closure. He hasn't texted you in two weeks. That is the closure. The, the door is, is closed. If he wanted to text you, he would. It's over. Let's move forward with our lives rather than working backwards. And so let's not chase like this, this mystical dragon out there that suddenly we can. Once we have it, we'll be happy. It's like, no, it's, it's. It doesn't exist. You're not going to suddenly just feel better once you have it.

Yeah. And I think, you know, sometimes when you. When there's the absence of information, our brains do a magnificent job just kind of filling in the blanks with a lot of hopeful stuff. And so, you know, exactly what you just said is like, you haven't heard for two weeks. That is the gift of closure. You have everything you need. And then still clients will say, but I don't know for sure, for sure, because he hasn't actually said it. And so what I always try to get clients to do is kind of switch perspectives and ask yourself, honestly, like, if you truly wanted to be with somebody, wouldn't you have texted in the last two weeks?

Right.

Wouldn't you have done something? Wouldn't you have given some inclination that you still wanted this relationship? If you actually really still wanted this relationship, wouldn't you have said so? You wouldn't have said, I don't want to be in this relationship or I need to see other people, or I'm not ready to commit. You wouldn't have said any of those things. You would have said, I love you, I want to spend my time with you. I want to get to know, like, there's all whole other list of things you would have said that you, you know, he's not saying. And so you can be as hopeful as you want, but you're. You're potentially misleading yourself in a way that's really problematic. Like, the closure's already there.

Yeah. And it's stopping you like this. You're chasing this thing that isn't actually going to make you feel that much better, and it's stopping you from moving forward with your life because you feel like if you just had this one thing, which is fucking final closure from this guy, you'll suddenly feel better. I mean, one thing we always tell our clients, if they still can't get past it, is post in our community with a letter to this man. Or you can write the letter on, you know, the old school way with the. The pen and paper, like maybe a feather pen, right. And just sit at the pond, write that letter. But once you write it, rip it up, throw into the trash, throw it into the toilet, throw it into a bonfire and just watch it explode. Because we're not going to send it to them, right, Gary?

Yeah. And so, you know, every once in a while, like, you just have to kind of suck it up, give yourself closure. And so what you just described is one of our four mini strategies for doing that, and that's the writing a letter to yourself. Right. You can also write a letter to them and not send it. Right. That gives you some catharsis. The research shows, writing letters and just kind of organizing your thoughts and feelings. Super, super useful. A lot of times what we find when our clients write that letter to themselves from the perspective of their partner is like, oh, my gosh, all these things I thought I wanted and needed to hear. I don't need to hear any of this stuff. Actually, they're the last person I want to hear this stuff from. I'm actually a lot. In a lot better shape. I'm more fine than I thought I was. And so it's. It's the magic of perspective taking, like, sometimes seeing the relationship through your partner's eyes and like, realizing like, oh, they're not calling me because they don't want this, and they're doing something. Like, you just start realizing things in a way that you hadn't seen before.

Yeah. Writing a letter to yourself from your former partners. A really funny exercise. I actually did it myself one time, many, many years ago. And, like, for a lot of the women out there, you can make it kind of fun. You can do. You can write whatever you want in this because it's from the guy's perspective. So he could say, like, let's say your name's Kathy. Be like, dear Kathy, I just want you to know I'm a total. Like, I am clearly emotionally unavailable. I cannot give you what you need. I come in hot, then I'm cold. I have been very rude to you over the past three months. Clearly, our dynamic is terrible, and I deserve to be alone for the rest of my life. And you can. You can write whatever you want in this letter, even if it makes you laugh. But there's something, like, truly cathartic about this that's just like, ah, okay. All right. Now I feel better. Let's move forward my life. This guy is clearly the worst person for me. Let's make things happen. That. That is the closure. You can see how that. That would actually just. It, like, washes you away. It's like taking a shower and just, like, scrubbing off all the dirt and then, boom, ready to go.

Yeah. I'm not even Kathy, and that made me feel good. That feels good, right? Like, just kind of delineating all the things that were actually wrong. Because you know how often we don't sit and write and make lists about relationships that really kind of, like, catalog all the things that are wrong, because that's not how we live our lives and relationships. But in this context, it's actually really helpful. And so actually, the third strategy is write down and list or list out. I mean, this doesn't have to be an essay assignment, but, like, just kind of keep track. Like, what were all the things that went wrong? Keep it bulleted, keep it simple. He was emotionally unavailable. He was mean to me. Doesn't like my friends, didn't want me seeing my friends, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. There's plenty. That's why you broke up, right? There's going to be plenty of things on that list. Save it somewhere handy so you can refer back to it when you want to go. Check out his social media, or if you're thinking about getting back to him, thinking about texting or refer back to it because the mind forgets. And so you want to have that constant reminder because you broke up for a reason.

Yeah, Yeah, I did that in a previous breakup as well, because I didn't want to go back to just hooking up. Like, the worst thing that could happen is we get back into just a casual sexual relationship, which would have been easy on some levels. I mean, she would have been fine with that. I would have been fine with that. But I was like, I'm gonna get Sucked in. I'm gonna get sucked in again. I don't want to do this. So I had to actually just write myself a letter to. To be referenced every time she would text me or I would think about texting her, and honestly, it worked. Like, just quickly referencing that. I'm like, no, no. What, Adam, what are you doing? It's like talking to the devil on your shoulder. You're like, no, I'm not going to do that, because the angel told me that she's psycho. She's nuts. What are you doing, man? Don't get involved with it. And you want to really have some specific things in there, like, very specific reasons as to why it ended. Because ending a relationship, it's kind of like going on a diet in some ways. Like, it requires discipline. Like, it really does in the short term. It feels so good to get back with that person. It's like. It's like eating that big plate of pasta when you haven't eaten in a while. Like, you want to just get back to it. Ah, comfort. But then you wake up the next morning and your belly hurts because, oh, my God, you can't eat pasta. Like, I can't eat pasta. So that's my. You can't do that. And it really just requires, like, a constant reinforcement of, why am I doing this? Why am I doing this? Or why am I not doing this, more importantly. And that'll hold. Hold you discipline throughout the process.

Yeah, I mean, discipline is. Is super important. It's funny that you mentioned pasta, because as soon as you started going down that diet thing, I'm thinking Taco Bell. That's. That's my thing. Sometimes, like, Taco Bell feels so good, you just want to live. Moss. And then.

No, not after you were dirty, dude. Taco Bell. Jess. Jessica. That's her favorite fast food restaurant is a restaurant. If you call it that.

Whatever. I. Her and I get along for a reason. Like, got to ring the bell. Like it's something you. It's. It's a thing.

Oh, it's so gross, though, honestly. There's, like, wherever I go. Kite surfing I went last night in the Hunt, Massachusetts. And on the way back, there's this Taco Bell that's always just, like, taunting me because I know it'll make my wife so happy, but, like, do I.

Really make her happy?

Cheesy gordita crunch. I know. It's just, like, it's guaranteed to get a free smile from her or, like, a $1 smile. I don't know how much they cost. But it's just, I can't, I can't watch her eat it. It's just so gnarly. I can't, I can't do it.

That's really funny. I can't watch her eat it. That's probably good. That's secrets to long lasting love from Adam. Do not watch your spouse eat Taco Bell.

Don't eat fast food with your partner. Just don't.

So we had four mini strategies to give closure. So we said write a letter to them, but don't send it. Write a letter from them to yourself that you read. Three was write down all the things that went wrong so you can refer back to that. So then the last one is what needs to be different in your next relationship. Like, what mistakes do you need to avoid? What did you learn from this relationship? What do you need from your next relationship that was missing in your last relationship? Or you know, what are other red flags that you learned about in this present relationship to avoid in the future? And so, you know, I put this one last in our list because, you know, you want to kind of reflect on the past like we've been talking about, but you also have to start looking forward to and start thinking about the next relationship and how it's going to be better because certainly it's going to be better because this past relationship is your ex partner for a reason. And so you've learned a lot as long as you've reflected and then you're going to use that information to have a better relationship in the future.

Yeah, take ownership, I mean, take ownership of, of every part of this that you can. You know, ultimately you are the common denominator of every decision of every relationship you're in. In your love life, you chose this person. So as a starting point, there's always that level of ownership. And look, I think everything else we talked about is very outward focused on the guy, which I think is very important. It kind of like it lowers the temperature on the emotions a bit, just like putting it on him, like writing him that letter. It's about him, yada, yada, yada. But at the end of the day you want to. Then in order to create progress, you got to take ownership of the situation. And what part did you play in the downfall of this relationship? What can you work on moving forward? How are you going to choose differently the type of man that you're going to be with and how are you going to hold yourself disciplined? I mean, all of these things. How are you going to perhaps work on your Communication skills, your skills for de. Escalating arguments for, you know, the list goes on and on. And just. This is not for you to. For you to make yourself feel worse. In fact, this is designed to make you feel better because it empowers you. When you say, hey, I take ownership of this situation. I put myself in this situation. Guess what? Now you can fix that moving forward. If you're, like, going around saying, hey, I'm the victim, this guy just came into my life. He. He ruined my life. He's the worst human being in the world. Woe is me. Guess what? You can't change that then for your next time around. And so ownership is such a huge thread of. Of everything that we talk about with. With this. And I think that this is a perfect question to ask at the end. Once the emotions have kind of, like, subsided a little bit, you know, you're starting to see. You know, you're starting to come out of that grieving process, starting to see the lights and see the world for what it really is, then it's like, all right, now let's take ownership of this and move forward in our life.

Yeah. And, you know, this is a little bit of a sidebar, but, you know, what I really particularly like about taking ownership in the context of closure is so often people want closure to be something that's given to them from somebody else, right? And you're waiting for a guy to give you closure. You're opening yourself up to a really, really negative form of dating, which is the guy who's purposely not giving you closure. He's saying it's over, but it then strings you along with a random text here, a random text there, and he's kind of like keeping you on the back burner in case whatever other person he's pursuing doesn't work out. So he can come back to you or just kind of like breadcrumbing you along, kind of keeping you interested. So he always has that possibility. He's basically just preying on your emotions because he knows you want to rekindle this relationship. And so if you're relying on that type of guy to give you closure, he's never going to do it because he's purposely stringing you along. And so this is why you really have to take ownership and just gain closure for yourself, potentially through, you know, any of the four strategies we just discussed.

He's either stringing you along or he doesn't give a shit about you. I mean, if he cared about. If he cared about you, even if he doesn't want to be with you. If he cared about you as a person, he just had the final conversation and give you closure. Right? So, like, either he's a very low character human being we want nothing to do with, or he doesn't give a shit about you. So either way, you win. Let's move on and through this process. That's empowering because I will never give my power to another human being in a situation like this. By you saying, I need this man to call me and give me closure or to really end it face to face, be a man, you're giving that person all the power. Because if they don't do that action, then you're not going to be okay. What if you could flip the script and say, you know what? Screw this guy. I want nothing to do with him. Let's move on with my life. So I feel like we're beating dead horse, but this is something that really holds people back in their love life. They feel so stuck because they just can't move forward from this. And I just want to tell you it's totally within your power to move on from these situations, and let's make that happen. Which I think is the third point, actually, which leads us.

Well, it's perfect segue, which is the third one. The third transformative step is like, done is done.

Yeah.

Done is over. It's done. How to. And so this is how to stay away effectively. And so the first step to staying away effectively is like to stay away in all places. And that means social media too.

Yeah.

Stay off of it. Take it off your phone if you have to. Like, and make no mistake. And sometimes people be like, but it makes me feel better and it's good for me. No, wrong. The research is very, very clear on this. Like, the people who check back on social media, I think that particular study was done with Facebook. What they find is it prolongs the emotional pain. Right. It's not innocent. It's problematic. You're trying to keep something alive in you in a way that's should be dead, it should be done. Let it go.

I mean, you. You don't even need research to tell you this. Just notice how you feel when you're done with social media. I mean, I just deleted. It's been about six months since I've deleted all social media from my phone. And you just notice how it makes you feel. You're like, oh, my God, my phone is boring. My phone is actually boring. At this point, the only app that I have that I find Interesting is Zillow, because, I mean, like, it's literally like what I'll use for like four minutes a day when I'm just, like, really bored sitting there. But I'm telling you, get those things off of your phone. Especially if you're going through a breakup, it's not going to make you feel better because either you're going to see your ex or you're going to see other people in happy relationships that are just doing so great. It's so amazing. Oh, my God, we're so perfect. Which, when we know, in fact, it's. It's certainly not. So just delete those apps, man. You can come back to them later if you want. If you want. Gotta tell yourself you'll come back to them. Fine, but delete them all. Snapchat, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, all of them. Delete.

So we started with the easiest one first, right? And it's the lowest. There's so people like, oh, I just want to check social media. The next one that they like to do is we'll just be friends, right? Like, we don't have to date, like, okay, that phase is over, but we'll just stay friends. And so again, there's research on this as well. It doesn't work, Right? The staying friends approach doesn't work because inevitably one person wants to be friends. One person is only sticking around in this relationship because they want to still be more than friends in some ways. Not necessarily back in a relationship, but they want, you know, potentially some of that friends with benefits. And so that mismatch when two people want different things in a relationship creates more problems than it solves.

Yeah. And I mean, look, there's some circumstances where, let's say you have children together, you want to be friendly, but you're not going to be like friends, right? Necessarily. I mean, maybe in certain circumstances, you. You may be if you have children together, but it's unlikely. And it's unlikely that one person is not going to be trying to. To win things back. But even still, you can always be friendly. But if you don't have children together, you're not going to be friends. You're not going to even. You're not even going to be friendly. Because if you're friendly and you're in the same groups, I guarantee someone is going to be trying to win the other person back, at least in the next three to six months. So just removal really, like, it sounds harsh. Get them out of your life. Get them out of your life. As much as humanly Possible. And it might make you feel better to say, hey, we're just friends, but it could do some real damage because that's going to dictate your actions moving forward. If you're telling yourself, well, we can just be friends, then when he asks you out for coffee, you're gonna go. And if you tell yourself, there's no way I can be friends with this guy because we were in a romantic relationship, then you'll say no. And so just take that off the table. It ain't happening.

Right. Because just being friends leads into the next one, which is another way that people try to solve this and something we talked about at the very beginning, which is going back, rekindling that former relationship, kind of like trying to re. Spark that flame, so to speak. And we know again from researchers have looked at this, first of all, it's something that people are more prone to do if they have anxious attachment. Right. So if you're feeling that that's something you want to do, just kind of recognize that that's part of the pattern that goes into it. And we also know that, again, it doesn't work. Right. Trying to win that partner back. Like, you have to realize you ended that relationship for a reason or the relationship itself ended. They're still the same person. Things haven't miraculously changed. Like, and a lot of times people are trying to do this within a couple months. And it's like those, those that amount of time hasn't made that big of a difference. They're not a different person now. So it's the chances of things all of a sudden miraculously working out just aren't that good. And so the research shows those on again, off again, cyclical kinds of relationships really just prolong the pain.

Yeah. And I think people go back, they try to rekindle because that in some ways is the path of least resistance. I mean, if you're going through a breakup, it's been two months, and you know, you're, you're, you're finding yourself single again, you're lonely, it's Wednesday night, and you're making dinner for one. You know, the thought of pulling up the dating apps makes you want to blow your head off. And you're like, what am I gonna do here? What am I gonna do here? Instead of downloading Bumble, you know, I'm just gonna go back. I think, you know, we can make things work. We can make it work. And then you start lying to yourself, don't do it. Don't do it. It's. It's in the short term, it's a harder path forward, there's no doubt. But in the long term, again, zooming out on your life, not three months, not three years, even 30 years, if we can zoom out to that point, suddenly it makes everything very clear on what needs to be done here.

Right. And so, you know, we just gave three things you absolutely should not do, and we have to start that way because those are the three things everybody wants to do. Like, that's your natural impulse. You want to check social media, you want to stay friends, you want to go back. Right. And so we just said, no, no, no, no, no. And remember, done is done. And so how can you help make sure that you're actually done? So the strategy that we recommend to clients is a 21 day detox. Right. So it's a 21 day period where you're going to basically cold turkey, not talk to that person, not text them, not check social media, anything like that. And you're going to give yourself the time to create the amazing life that you want for yourself that doesn't have that other person in it.

Right? Yeah. I mean, that's a huge part of we've found with our coaching is that a lot of women who come in actually need to go through this healing process first because they're coming out of a breakup or they're still thinking about their ex. So we do have a part of the program called heal your heart that walks people through kind of this grieving process, how to grieve in a healthy way, because the end of a relationship really is a grieving process and how to come out the other end stronger, better and more empowered to find the right person. The funny thing about heal your heart, Gary, I don't know if you know this, but heal your heart was actually a separate program I launched a long time ago, I don't know, probably eight years ago, because I was trying to battle all of the coaches out there who are like, how to get your ex back. And I hated these programs. I hated these products. I hate, you know, I know, I know. Coaches in that space, they'll charge you $10,000 to help you get your ex back. Okay? So I hated this stuff. So I came out with heal your how to heal your heart and move on or like maybe win him back. In the 3% of scenarios where that might make sense, it was something like super nuanced. And no, it was the biggest flop of all programs as far as people buying it. But actually, so then what I did is I added To Love Accelerator, our coaching program. And it's one of the most heavily used programs that we have, which is really fun to watch. Like, this has been invigorated over time because people now join Love Accelerator with the idea that they want to find love, but they might have to go through this healing process in order to get there. So it's been kind of fun to watch the evolution of that program over the years.

Yeah, I feel like 50, at least half, if not 3/4 of our clients have used that program in one way or another.

Yeah.

And, you know, this 21 dating detox thing is the part they're like, really? Do I have to like, nothing? And it's like, yeah, just, you know, you have to just do this. And they're like, okay. And they always. I don't think I've seen a case where they've emerged from that 21 days where they don't feel a lot better. Things are a lot more clear. Which is really interesting because, you know, I was, I was actually poking into the research a little bit about this and you know, like, how long does it take to build a new habit? Because moving on from a past relationship is really what you're trying to do is build a new habit. A habit that doesn't involve your ex partner. And so the research shows that it takes 66 days on average to build that new habit. And there's like a range. Like, some people it takes 18 days, some takes 200 plus days. But what I think is really great about the 21 day dating detox is it's a manageable amount of time. And it's like this accelerated path toward that 66 days. Because 66 days, I don't know about you, like, that's three months. It sounds in some ways shorted, but it sounds long because we want everything so fast. But 21 days with no contact whatsoever, it's like, it's kind of. It's this head start that I feel like everybody needs. And then just to kind of know, like, within three months, you're going to have a new habit. Like, I don't know, I've seen it work so many times that it's something I wanted to make sure that we talked about in this podcast.

Well, the logic of the 21 days is that it's long enough so that at the end of it, you'll feel like, you know what, maybe he's not right for me. But it's also short enough that when they're starting it, they can think that at the end of the 21 days they're going to rekindle with him. So it's like, it's like this perfect amount of time where, like, I'll have a client, I'll say, look, it's time to go 21 day detox. And then we'll discuss how we will rekindle it with this guy. Sometimes I'll even like. Because they'll keep saying, like, how do I get him back? How do I get him back? Give it to 21 days. And at the end, I promise, then we will discuss the strategy to get him back. And I know that it's just a small enough time that they're like, okay, fine, and they'll do it. And then by the end of it, they're like, you know, I've been really rethinking. If I need to get back with them, great, let's do another 21 days. You know, it's just like, it's doable. So it's a little bit of a mental model or a mind trick that we play on our clients. And we'll tell them this, obviously very openly, but it's something that'll get you just far enough away from that person that we can move on with our life.

So, yeah, and I think, you know, it's good to end with this as the strategy, because I think kind of the big picture thing for people to get over their past partner is to just remember this is something that's going to take time. You're not going to flip a switch and all of a sudden be like, oh, I'm done. I'm over it. I'm all good. If you feel like that, you're probably misleading yourself in a whole other way. But it's really about slow, steady progress. And that's the beauty of the 21 days. It's the beauty of a lot of the strategies we talked about in this podcast. It's like, slow and steady is going to win this race. And then as you're doing it, make sure you're marking your progress along the way, because you're not going to feel great. You know, tomorrow is not going to be, like, amazing, all solved. But then in a week, look back to how you felt a week ago, and you're going to feel better in 15 days. Look back a week, it's. And that progress is going to keep happening, and that's going to help you get there.

I love it. Well, thank you, Gary. This is. This is an important one, and it's not going to get us the level of clicks that three steps to getting your ex back will. But I think this would be far, far more useful for those out there who are suffering from this. So if you are suffering this, we're here for you throughout this process. And, yeah, hopefully we can be maybe a voice of reason for you as you're experiencing this incredible pain, which is the process of heartbreak. So thank you all so much for listening. It's great. All right, so now we're at the end of the podcast, and hopefully you got a lot of really great information from this podcast. But as we know, information can only take you so far. It's time to take some action. So what I recommend you do now is head on over to loveapply.com it's going to walk you through a series of questions, and then you'll be able to book what we call a complimentary love strategy session. Yes, you've heard it. Someone on my team is going to get on a phone call with you, be able to understand your situation, what it is that you're struggling with in your love life, and create that strategy to help you attract that man, that relationship you truly deserve. So take that action. Go make it happen. We cannot wait to speak with you, loveapply.com and yeah, let's help you create that love life you truly deserve. All right, speak soon.

Bye.

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