4 Traits Linked to Career Success but Relationship Heartbreak

Well, I think, you know what's really particularly frustrating for these folks has to be that these same traits that have made them so successful in their career are actually harming their relationship. They're like these Trojan horse qualities that seem really good on the outside, but there's a danger lurking inside of them.

Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast, where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship or here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences, your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. All right, Gary, today we're going to be talking about four traits that lead to professional success, but relationship heartbreak. And I got to say, this is pretty topical for me because as you can see, I just. I'm a little tanned. See this? Gary and I just got back from Cabo, Mexico, and I was at a conference with some of the most successful people I've ever met. I mean, I'm talking just like I won't. They run incredible businesses, tons of entrepreneurs, really amazing people. But when you start to dig into their personal life, because, of course, whenever I go around, I'm like, I'm a dating coach. We have a relationship company, Love Strategies, and so on, so forth. People, of course, want to tell me all about their love life. And so many of their love lives were just in shambles. Like, so many challenges. It's crazy. And I think this is a pretty consistent challenge we hear with a lot of our clients who are really successful in many areas of their life, but their love life is just not quite clicking. So I don't know. Gary, what do you think? Not. Not. Not a huge correlation between success in life and love life.

Yeah, it's kind of weird. And it's got to be frustrating, right? Because these people. And by the way, congrats on your Cabo glow. It looks really good.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. Hitting the sun.

It's got to be frustrating, right? Because, I mean, like, you're talking about some of the most successful people perhaps in the world, right? And there's. There's like, uber accomplished in this one area, but then something else as equally fundamental to life success. They're just not as accomplished in that area, too.

And so more fundamental to. To a Happy life. Like, I think it is relationships, our relationships are the foundation, I know you agree with this. Are the foundation of a happy life. Which is why I think so many super successful people will finally get that point where they have the $10 million, $100 million, whatever it is. They have the yacht, they have the boat, they have the car, but are like, this is misery. This is absolute misery. Because they don't have that foundation of healthy relationships.

Well, and I think, you know what's, what's really particularly frustrating for these folks has to be that these same traits that have made them so successful in their career are actually harming their relationship. They're like these Trojan horse qualities that seem really good on the outside, but there's a danger lurking inside of them. And it's, I think for a lot of these folks, they kind of hope that they can just kind of flip the switch from their professional life into their dating life. And I know, like, we talk about a lot of topics on this podcast and you know, in doing the research for this one, I really feel like more with this one than with, with some of the others. Like, I was preparing this for myself as a good reminder for myself about like, like so many of these things. Like, that's so you, and so you gotta like, not, don't do this thing. Like, it is like, I just appreciate, like one of them is about being competitive. I'm super competitive and it's something I always have to like, tamp down. Like, not now. This is not the time. Don't be competitive in, in your relationship is not gonna work. And so that's really what we're talking about today.

Isn't that so much of our life is just like kind of speaking. I find I'm speaking to myself all the time. Like, definitely when I first was starting as a dating coach, like, I don't know, 15 years ago, I was coaching men, I was single, and I'd be preaching and talking about all these concepts. And many times I was just reinforcing the same message for me, right? Like, yeah, talking to guys be like, hey, you're a high value man. Like, you deserve a great relationship. You deserve a great woman. And it's kind of like, dude, are you talking to yourself? You're talking to your clients.

It's 100% true. And like, for a lot of these, I, you know, after doing this for 20 plus years, some of the things we're talking about, it's, it's about me, but it's like kind of like showing the road I'VE traveled and like I, I kind of see the beginning, middle and end. Like, but this one is like, it's still a little raw. Like it's still a little bit role. And so, you know, the first one that really definitely leads to career success, but is is problematic for relationships is this idea that successful people love the grind. Right. They fall in love with the idea of potential, of taking something that's not quite fully formed, like a new idea and like grinding it out, putting the work, putting the time, putting the hours in to bring that thing to fruition and successful for a career, but maybe not so much for relationships.

Yeah, I mean they love problem solving. They love seeing a challenge and seeing if they can work through it and just with sheer perseverance, just overcoming that challenge and feeling so accomplished when they do. But why, why do you feel like that is not helpful for relationships, Gary?

Yeah, I mean this hustle culture and this idea of like outworking the problem can really encourage you to take on these startup projects now. Great in business, but, but you don't want to startup project for a partner, right? And a lot of times, like particularly, and I see this, we see this all the time with our women clients is like, they're good at relationships and better at relationships than men. And so they become kind of the relationship expert in their relationship. And so they kind of take on this expertise role where it's like, I'm supposed to help you. And if you're already ingrained in this like work, work, work, work kind of mindset, it really makes you also want to work on your partner. And like I'm, you know, they become your little fixer up project. Right? You know, I'm going to turn you into partner 2.0, the best possible version of the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. And it feels like you're doing the right thing.

This is so funny that you're saying this because. So my mother is one of the most accomplished people I know and she was a very successful divorce attorney for many years. She's turning 80 this year, by the way. So the 80th birthday come up and she's still working. Divorce mediator. She's incredible. But when she started to retire, my dad was like, I can't believe I'm saying this out loud. Is this, is this. Did he say this to me in Confidential? Whatever I'm gonna say anyways, he says, your mother looks at me like I'm a project now that she doesn't have anything going on. She looks at me and is like, ooh, I'm going after him. I'm gonna fix everything that he's doing. And by the way, my dad needs that as well. So it's not, you know, they've been together, I don't know, almost 50 years now, so. But it's just, it's just so funny where hyper successful people, they look at problems and they just constantly want to solve. I do that all the time. And like, our relationship with Jess, Jessica and I can be going so well, but I still, no matter how well it's going, I try to find those problems. I want to solve it and I want to improve it.

Yeah. Because it could just be like that much better. Right? It could just be a little, tiny, little bit better. And most people in the world are intimidated by problems. They run from problems. But, like, the entrepreneurial spirit is like, no, no, there's a problem to solve and there's opportunity there. And so that's great in your career. But doing that with your partner is problematic because we know the research shows, guess who doesn't want to be your reclamation project?

Your partner.

Your partner. Your partner doesn't want that. Like, they're just not into. And it's like, it feels conditional, it feels a little manipulative. And these things are all counter to a loving, healthy relationship. The other thing is, as much as it's well intentioned, like, you know, your mom, your dad, like, it's pure, it's well intentioned, you know, we only want the best for our partner. The research also just shows, frankly, we suck at it. Like, we're bad at, like, no one's. Like, very few people have the skills to kind of gently, subtly massage people into being a better person. Like, people aren't born coaches, they're not born psychologists, they're not born with these skills. And so often in these efforts to shape the partner, people resort to, like, pouting, nagging, being annoying, sighing, guilt tripping, and just harassing.

Yeah, you don't really, you just don't want to be coached by your partner on how to improve things that you may not necessarily want to improve. And even if you do want to improve on those things, maybe your partner is not the right person to help you with that. Just on this note, again, another personal kind of story here. I remember Jessica and I got in a huge fight like, seven years ago, and we were talking about weight loss because I'm like, I was doing the Paleo diet and I was eating like, I don't know, 10 pieces of bacon every Morning. And all of this food. I was just consuming so much food, but I was eating just, like, a lot of meat and veggies. Adam, you're taking too many calories. Like, it's really basically just calories in, calories out. I'm like, no, the science doesn't show that. Blah, blah, blah. And I went all smart. Like, you know, it wasn't a huge. It was just, like, debate we had. And then this past week when she was in Cabo, I was like, oh, I listen to this really interesting podcast with Peter Attia, who's like, this incredible health expert, and he's talking about how, like, all the research basically just shows it's calories and calories out. Like, that's pretty much it. And I was telling her this. She's like, I told you that seven years ago and you didn't listen to me. I'm like, well, but it didn't. I don't want to listen to it from you. I want to listen to it from someone else, and then it'll finally come through.

So, yeah, I mean, sometimes it's the source. I. It's also super impressive that you can remember an argument from seven years ago. I mean, that's a big one.

It was a big.

That's funny. I was either going to say that speaks to the low quantity of arguments or the magnificent nature of that particular one.

Yeah, yeah. It's probably just both of us being very stubborn, the magnificent nature of that particular argument. But I. I think that that's important in relationships. But just one other note on this idea of fixing problems for those who are listening, who are single, when we're dating, perhaps because you're such a problem solver, it might actually be more attractive to be with a guy who you can see as your guide to fix, rather than a guy who comes as the whole package. And that sounds kind of crazy to say that out loud, but be very aware of that, because sometimes as a successful person walking into like, like, just let's. Let's compare to your professional career. If you get promoted and you get put in a department that is just running smoothly and it's going great, that actually might be a little bit boring to you. You might be like, hm, this actually isn't very fun. This isn't what I want. And you might actually be attracted to that department that's in chaos that you just need to fix, and that's really exciting and that's new. And, like, there's all these things that you're going to work on. You might be bringing that same energy to your love life where you. You meet a guy who's kind of got it all going for him. He's great. He shows up, he's really interested, he's clearly pursuing you. He doesn't have a ton of emotional baggage, and you may be like, I don't know, boring, as opposed to the guy who's total chaos that you can really fix. And just be aware of that energy that you might bring to your love life. Because telling you, if he's. If, if it is that chaotic from the start with a guy, it doesn't get much better with time. If anything, it gets worse.

Right?

Hey there, ladies. As you can see, we're just getting this podcast off the ground. And since we don't run any ads, I only have one quick favorite ask in return. Can you just take a quick second right now, pause this episode and just leave us a review Wherever it is that you're listening to, the podcast really help us out a lot, and it really does spread the love, and I think the world needs a little bit more of that. So I appreciate you. Now, let's get back to the show. Yeah.

And if you're just kind of accustomed to that chaotic turbulence, turbulent kind of relationship, you know, some. Somebody who's not that way is going to feel, like you said, boring. And it's going to feel like something's wrong. Like, it's going to be like, wait, what am I supposed to do in this relationship? Like, you're not going to know how to operate. And so it's just important to be aware of that kind of thing. Because what it comes down to is you should not make yourself a rehabilitation center for broken men. Like, that's not your job. You're not the fix it shop for these, like, wounded guys who have mommy issues. Like, that's not what you want to make yourself and your dating life out to be. And then that's, you know, part of that's loving the grind and part of it is the second characteristic here is you have high standards. And so that's what makes you successful, is because you expect a lot from yourself and you probably expect a lot from those around you. And so if you have these high standards, you might see things in your partner that are broken to you, that are perfectly acceptable to them. Right. They're a little quiet and you find that problematic. But they love their introverted nature. And so you have to be really cognizant of your standards because it creates not only some unrealistic expectations, but it also puts a lot of pressure on the dating process.

So you're saying standards in a relationship and transferring those standards to your partner.

Yeah. And because I think, you know, to be successful, you're not aiming for a C, right. In life, you're aiming for the A plus. So you're like, you're pushing yourself. And so part of it is having that high standard, part of it's that thriving on that pressure and pressure. You know, there's. And people that are into the pressure mentality are like, yeah, pressure makes diamonds. Right. But it's like, what if it was a loaf of bread? Pressure makes a. Like, it's like pressure isn't the same for all contexts. And so in dating, pressure leads to bad decisions. Right. Because dating should be fun, it should be enjoyable. But if you start putting on deadlines and this pressure and immediacy, like, I gotta find a guy, I gotta find him. It's gotta happen soon, it's gotta happen in the next six months. Like suddenly by exerting. Now, normally deadlines, you might be a great deadline person in your career, but deadlines, when it comes to this, all of a sudden you're start taking shortcuts, you're going to start ignoring red flags because you need to get this partner in place. Because you got a clock, you got things, things are ticking. Right. And so you're just going to make mistakes that you normally wouldn't make.

Yeah, I think this definitely shines through with clients who are in their late 30s, early 40s, who want to have kids. We have a lot of clients in that demographic and they have this massive amount of pressure. And I remember, I remember just one particular client. I believe she was like 41, hyper, successful, focused on her career and really wanted to have a family. And she was dating in a way where she needed to not only have a boyfriend, but get married and have a child with within the next year or else. Like in her mind, she literally had a, a deadline. So how would that have changed her behavior on dates? How would that change her way of showing up? Well, you can imagine going on a date. Who's got that type of a deadline? God help us. God help that man. Right?

Yeah.

So what are you looking for? Are you looking to have a family? Are you looking to get married anytime soon? It's like question two of the date. Good luck with that. And so what we actually did with that particular client is we talked it through. These are the types of conversations we have, is making sure that she did have a plan B. If this doesn't happen. And removing that, I mean, she was freezing. She decided that she was going to freeze her eggs. It's not something that we, you know, we don't do any of those services or anything like that, but something that she obviously is something that she had to really consider so that she could remove this massive pressure that she had on herself to have a child with a man that quickly. Because the last thing you want is to have a child with a man you don't even know. No way. Or to be pushing away all the good men. Only the only guys who are sticking around are the guys who would stick around for that. And the best part of all of it is once you remove that pressure within six months, she was an incredible relationship that was trending towards marriage. I haven't caught up with her since, but I'm sure everything is going well. So, yeah, removing that pressure is so important. And it's not to say that you can't have pressure for how many dates you go on, how many new guys you're meeting. You know, it's good. Put a little bit of pressure on yourself to go out there, put yourself in uncomfortable social situation, meet lots of guys. But once you're in those situations, once you meet these guys, lower the temperature as far as the outcome you're looking for.

Yeah. Because, you know, it's something we kind of talk about all the time, which is the need to be patient. They need to pace things out, particularly because early. You know, just a concrete example of this, if you have too much pressure, is the first date with a lot of these guys, if they're not used to dating, they're going to be a little bit nervous. They're going to be a little shy. Right. And so you want to make sure that you're giving them a second date or a third date so that you can see the real them and not be so quick to be like, nope, nope, Next, next, next. Because some of those really authentic guys, the ones you're really going to connect with, the ones you're going to be, like, really good friends with, they may not shine on the first date all the time.

No, no.

And so there's just one small way to show, like, you know, that's a way pressure can just make you look in the wrong direction. The other big piece of this, and there's research to support it, is you have to embrace being single. Because the research shows people who have a fear of being single are more willing to tolerate bad relationship behaviors. They put up with more garbage from their partner because they don't want to be single. And so when you have a pressure to find somebody, it's basically saying, I don't want to be single. And so you're just willing to, like I said earlier, overlook some of those red flags. And that's not how you want to start a relationship, because like you said, it's only going to get more challenging. Like, you want to be. You want to start off at the most optimal place you possibly can to prepare yourself for the future.

Yeah, I, I love the clients who join who are saying, like, look, being single is great. I'm actually enjoying myself. It's fine. Or they don't have to be enjoying themselves. They could just be like, it's fine. I have a great life outside of this. But I do want someone to kind of come in and supplement my life versus those who are like, I hate this. Like, I would rather be a roofer in Boston in July than be single. And that's stealing from a Bill Burr sketch. Have you ever heard that one? I won't, I won't get into that. But I, I have to give a little credit, but you'd rather be, literally have the worst job on the planet than be single. If you have that, then you know you're just not going to attract the right type of men. And as I always say, like, the moment that you truly enjoy your single life and you're happy being single is. Is the moment that a man comes into your life and makes you unsingle. But you got to really enjoy it. You got to be happy with it because you're going to go out there, like you said, with less pressure. You're going to have great vibration when you meet people. You're going to be in a good mood. You're going to be not interested in the men who treat you like crap and willing to walk away from them and opening your heart to the right men. And it all just starts to. It all starts to click.

Yeah. And, you know, if. For those of you listening who are uncomfortable with the idea of being single, think of it as being comfortable with yourself, that's the other way to look at this whole thing is like, the more comfortable you are with yourself, then you're not going to rush things and, you know, you're not going to make bad decisions. And it all comes down to this, a very, very simple thing. It's the difference between wanting a relationship and needing a relationship. You want to want a relationship. You don't want to be in a position where you feel like you need it. And that pressure, those deadlines, those high standards, it creates this sense of need. And that's where bad decisions are born.

Yes.

So now the third trait that is really, really helpful in a career and a job, but not so helpful when it comes to relationships. This is the one I alluded to earlier is you're not afraid of competition.

Oh, yeah.

So in your professional life, not being afraid of competition is important. Right. That's going to help you get ahead. Here's the problem, though. In relationships, relationships are competitive. They're cooperative. And so that competitive mindset, me versus you, makes you both lose. Because you and your partner are not two different sides. You're the same side. You're on the same team. And, you know, we talk about this in our relationship Synergy program. In terms of communication, it's one of the big mindset shifts. You have to. Have to get communication in relationships. Correct. But this is a broader thing. And so you want to be really mindful of how competitive you're trying to be with your partner.

Gary, I don't think I've ever told you this, but I once dated a dating coach for, like, a few months. Oh, not gonna say names, but she was pretty incredible. We had a great thing. I mean, I don't know, was it a couple? This was a long time ago. Gosh, this is like, probably 12, 13 years ago to go back in the archives here. But one thing I do remember in particular, she was kind of just getting things started, and she would always want to, like, compare how we're doing, not compare notes as far as, like, how can we do better, each one of us? And, you know, can I help her? Can she help me? That would be, I think, a healthy way of looking, but much so more so, like, oh, man, you're getting that many views a month. Like, oh, I need to step up my game. And it just got to this point of, like, she brought so much of this competitive energy to it.

It was.

It was kind of. It was weird because I'm like, you're not going to win this right now, because I happen to be at this stage and why are we playing this game in the first place? And it. It ended up being, in many ways, the unravel. I mean, I think there's a lot of other things as well. We weren't a good fit, but it was the unraveling of. Of everything. I just. I think back to that. It's like having that type of just competition is not going to foster intimacy. Intimacy, I think, is fostered when both of you, it's kind of like us versus them, it's like we're competing against the world together. And, and that was just something that she, I think just really high powered people and really successful people struggle with because they want to be competitive with everybody.

Well, and with her, I mean that probably led to her success later down the road. I mean in that particular case, she's competing in a race with someone who has a couple year head start on her, right? And it's like that makes a difference. And it's again, like you said, it's not the vibe to bring it into your relationship. Like people that want to be competitive in a relationship context, you have to remember it's me and you versus the problem. It's not me versus you. If you really want to be competitive with somebody, if you just really can't turn off. And this is what I, I, I do with myself is because I, I, I like being competitive. I just, instead of competing with my wife, I compete with myself, right? Like, how can I be a better husband? How can I be a better partner? Can I be a better communicator? Like I'm constantly looking for ways to learn. Like because I just, I'm constantly just kind of want to up, up and up my game. And that's really, really helpful. Another way that people are competitive, that, that can sometimes lead you astray is being competitive with other couples. Like, okay, so it's me and you versus the world. Great. So it's like, are we better than that couple? And then you start that comparison game and that can be a little bit of a trap too because frankly there's always somebody a little bit better, there's always somebody a little bit worse. And that's going to make you feel good or bad, but it doesn't actually change your relationship. So what I always suggest people do is instead of trying to compete with another couple and start feeling bad because they're doing better things than you, look at those other couples, don't. You're not competing with them because you're competing with yourself. But find things that they do well and don't compete, copy, copy the stuff that they're doing, right? Bring some of that into your relationship, it's kind of steal it, borrow it, whatever, and use that to make your relationship better.

Yeah, I agree. As long as we're copying it from legitimate relationships in real life. Like, like for example, I like to copy things that my parents do because they have an incredible relationship that's clearly lasted, but I ain't copying that random couple from Instagram that I, that I knew 10 years ago who happens to have the perfect life, which we all know. I'm sure behind closed doors it's misery. So copy the people in life that you know well and you see them interacting in a certain way and it, and it's healthy and you can tell it's healthy versus the facade that exists on social media. Because I think when we say that a lot of people probably thinking of social media, you see this happy little couple with their cute baby and oh my God, they're so perfect. And then you find out later that oh no, no, no, no, no, he has three other girlfriends and she is absolutely miserable with her life. So really important note there. No.

No need to copy a Kardashian.

You should copy copy Kardashians. No, no. Which is why we're, we're so strong like in love accelerator with, with our programs like don't go on Instagram or TikTok. I know that's a tall order. I know most people aren't going to follow that, but we talk about this almost at the end of every mastermind where it's like, rather than go there, come to our internal community. Like we have this incredible community. It's not on Facebook or anything like that. It's totally private where you can communicate with our coaches and the rest of all the other clients and just have this one place that you can go where it's constant positivity and it's focused on authenticity and real people going through real situations. And if you're just sitting there, I don't know, on the toilet or doing whatever you do when you're scrolling on your phone. You know, that's the only time I found. Not to get gross, but if you're just on your phone, don't go to Instagram, go to the community and just check in and connect with like real like minded people. Feels like a massive digression here, but just feel like it's worth mentioning.

Yeah. Because I mean good information when it comes to relationships is hard to come by. And so, you know, Instagram and Twitter and all. Probably not. Probably not the place. And so finding the right spots for it is, is really important.

X Now, Gary, it's not Twitter, it's X.

Whatever. I mean, is it really like, is it gonna stay like that?

Xxx oh my God, that's.

I mean that's, it's weird now.

That would be. We could go down that path a little bit later. We could talk about Elon's love life. He probably would fall into this. How many children does he have at this point? Elon Musk, Nine children or something. I think one of them is named, like, after a symbol or something. Anyways, he the most success. One of the most successful people on the planet.

Love life shambles and. Right. So, you know, a perfect test case for what we're talking about. And so, you know, he's successful. Like, other people are successful. And one of the reasons why is they like to climb the ladder. Right. With this constant sense of attainment and wanting a little bit more, a little bit more, a little bit more. And so that can be a good thing. Like, we just talked about being competitive with yourself and just kind of like, maximizing along the way. But if you're trying to do this and you're dating and you're already super successful and you. It's gonna make you want to find somebody. If you're here, you're gonna want to find somebody a little bit higher than you.

Yeah.

In terms of success, the problem is, depending on how successful you already are, you're squeezing out a lot of potential people to date. If you're insisting that the person you're going to date has to be better than you because you're already pretty awesome. And the way statistics work, only so many people get to be so awesome. And so you have to kind of keep a more open mind about what it means to be successful.

Yeah. I mean, what does dating up even really mean? Because every human like to define humans on that type of a scale is the first error that we could possibly make because we're so complicated that people, someone, maybe if you're extremely successful and you are like a go getter, maybe you need to be with someone who is a little bit more laid back, who's a little bit more nurturing, who likes to have fun with their time. Like, I feel like that's what. Why I was so drawn to Jessica is because she's not like me in that. And, like, but if you look at us on a scale as far as, like, quote, unquote, success, like, we're on different scales in that sense of it. But she's way out of my league in many other ways as far as, like, caring about people, listening, like, these basic, like, things, and that sounds terrible about me, but she's so good at these other things and having fun, like, being like, hey, work isn't everything that's good like that. These are the things I think balance us out. So I wouldn't even look at it as like climbing a ladder and trying to put people if they're nine or an eight or seven or whatever it is. And I fell into that trap for many years of my life. Trust me, I get it. But starting to just look at the complexities that are humans and just finding the person who just seems to make your life much more worth living.

Yeah. And I think that's. I think that's the. The grand point here is that the successful folks. How many people that are successful do we hear of clients who say, you know, something along the lines of, I want to be part of a power couple?

Yeah.

People love the idea of the power couple. And the power couple is this idea, like finding somebody who's at your level or above. And it's that dating up idea. And we all kind of want. And some level, we all do want to date up. And it's exactly what you said. You can kind of date up. You got to define it differently. And so it's really about dating differently. It's about dating somebody whose compliment is a compliment to you. There's a synergistic effect. Right. And exactly the dynamic you have. A, Jessica is exactly what I have with my wife Colleen. Like, I'm very type A, she's very type B. She. And I've joked with you about this before. She is my no committee. I will take on any challenge. I say yes to everything. There's nothing I think I can't do. And she's always like, gary, they're only 24 hours in a day. Like, are you going to sleep? Like, what are you going to do? And I'm like, you're right.

Yeah.

Thank you.

I'll have some fun, man. Enjoy yourself.

Geez. And that's like, that's so, you know, when it comes to, like, publications in. In relationship science, she has zero, and I have a lot. I don't need to find someone who's successful in the same way I'm successful. And I see people make this mistake all the time. It's like you value success and you've defined it this one way, so now you're looking for other people who define it the exact same way. And again, you're just kind of squeezing out. It actually creates more conflict because you're in direct comparison with each other again. And so that competition stuff springs up. There's actually, I mean, there's research, as with most of the stuff, there's research to support this. There's actually a whole model in terms of how we view ourselves. It's called the self evaluation maintenance model. And so it's like where you get your self esteem from. And so what happens is when you're with somebody close, ideally you can both. You both want high self esteem, you want to feel. We both want to feel really good about yourself, but what happens is you both pick slightly different things that are not in competition with each other. So it's like when I was a kid, I was a pitcher for. In baseball. My brother, who's like 17 months younger than me, he loved baseball too. But, like, should he try to be a pitcher like me? No. Right. Because I already had that. Like, that's how I was doing. Well, he became a catcher, and he became a really good catcher. And so, like, we're both. We both love baseball. We're both really, really good at baseball. But then we just pick slightly different paths, and that allowed us both to maintain our self evaluations.

That's interesting. I mean, my brother went to Harvard and was like the smartest, most handsome guy ever and athletic and social. So I just resorted to drinking a lot of alcohol in high school.

So I thought you were going to be like, my brother was this most handsome guy, so I chose to be ugly.

Yeah, I chose to be ugly, gain a lot of weight, and go through a really tough time until I got out of college. And I'm like, oh, you know what? I'm actually pretty smart, too.

But it's funny, right? I mean, like, because we have such a need to, like, maintain our identity and maintain our sense of self worth that it's like someone's already kind of staked out an area, you kind of let them have their thing, and then you do your own thing. And, like, those two worlds can blend together synergistically in a really nice way.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's. God, I've been talking a lot about my wife this. This one. But that's. That's been our strategy this summer, is. I was like, I have a. We're growing a lot of love strategies. We're hiring like crazy. It's. It's a crazy time. So I'm like, Jessica, you take on all social coordination. Like, you plan everything. And I thought this would actually take things off my plate, but I forgot to realize that she leans in. And so we have every single weekend fully booked. Trips, flying places. I'm like, oh, my God, what did I. Next year. I need her to lean less into that. Doesn't Colleen do all that stuff for you, too? She does.

I actually have no idea what we're Doing on a day to day basis. Most of the time I look up, I'm, I'm the guy. I look one day ahead, she looks months ahead. And so it's another really great way that we complement each other. But yeah, she, she plans our vacations, plans our trips. Where are we going? This. I, I just kind of let her take care of all of it because I, I'm not interested. Yeah, she can handle that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I just think with all of this, like when we think of success, we just need to look at it in the many different facets that, that success exists in. It's not just financial success, it's not even, it's not physical looks, it's not just even confidence, you know, is it, does he legitimately care about you? Does he listen well? Is he nurturing? Is he funny? Right? And there's many different areas, there's many different angles in which to look at this. And if we're only just looking at the, the financial side of it and the career success and, and climbing the ladder and competing against that person, it's a road to nowhere. Nowhere good at least. And it's a road to relationship misery.

Well, and we say all the time, like, we have high value women as clients and we tell them all the time you're seeking and we're going to help you find a high value man. How you define high value, though, can be all over the map. And the problem that I think successful people fall into is they start defining it in very singular ways. It's, it's about money, it's about job title, it's about the number of hours you work. Kind of this productivity competition kind of thing. It actually makes me think just this past Wednesday, I was on a mastermind with a client. She's super successful, like so many of our clients. High power job, all this great stuff. And she was telling everybody about how she's dating, was dating a bunch of guys. And there was this one guy who she, and she said, and she's like joking and she's a Gary, honestly, if it wasn't for this program, I wouldn't look at this man twice because he just didn't fit my type. He just wasn't for me. She's like, But I did like, I listened and I went on and she, she starts crying, right? She starts tearing up and she's like, he is the most wonderful man. And she's like cry. And like I'm watching the screen with like all the other people and people are crying and she's like, we connect emotionally, intellectually, spiritually. I didn't know a man like this could exist. And she's like, I didn't think it was possible because he doesn't do anything in business. He's an artist, he's a photographer, he's a writer, and it's like, he's super successful in his own way. That's not a way that she ever would have thought. Getting choked up in a way she ever would have thought. And so she just kind of opened her eyes and broadened her definition of what success could be. Took a chance and like, oh, my gosh, she's like, head over heel. It and the way they talk, it just. It also just sounds so, so amazing, but it just kind of like, speaks to this strategy of, like, date differently. Don't try to date up. High value comes in all different forms, and you just got to know where to look.

Amen. Let's leave it at that. Thank you, Gary. I appreciate it.

Sure thing.

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