5 Biggest Mistakes Successful Women Make When Looking for Love

It's just that one thing. And they're like, why I can force everything else in my life to work, my health, my career, my everything where I want to live, all these things. But I just, for whatever reason, cannot get my love life to just click.

Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of love strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy.

Oh, my God. I am so excited for this topic today because we're going to be talking about the five biggest mistakes, mistakes that successful women make when they're getting out there and finding love. And I brought in a special guest today on the pod because Dr. L. Dr. Love is on vacation this week. I want to bring in our long lasting coach. You've been with us for the longest, Maureen, as one of our coaches in love accelerator. And I thought she would give you such amazing perspective on some mistakes that she makes because she's in the trenches every single day with our clients. Just seeing, frankly, mistake after mistake. Right. And that's a lot of what we do is we try to solve for some of these challenges. So, Maureen, do you want to just maybe introduce yourself a little bit and tell everyone about what, what brought you here to Love Strategies working with us?

Sure, absolutely. So my name is Maureen. I got into Adam's program about three years ago and I was just ready. And so I did it. Like, I was very open and receptive to the coaching and the process, and I had great success. And so I started just paying it forward, cheering the other women on, and Adam offered me a job. So I've been there and I feel like one of the things that makes me so good at this is that I've made every mistake I have. You know, I talk about my book that I'm going to write at some point. Working title. No one's had more boyfriends than me. And I just, I just feel like you can't pull anything over on me because I've done it all and I see through, you know.

Yeah, I felt that when I was working with you because you were the type you would come to the mastermind, you'd be listening you'd be absorbing, absorbing all this information. You dated a lot and then you found an incredible guy. And look at you now. Now you're a coach. And I'm just so excited for you. And, yeah, I offered you a job because you were just the natural leader of our entire community. We got to get Maureen in here. We got to get her helping and really managing everything we're doing. So why don't we talk a little bit about some of the mistakes that we see our clients making and just women in general making when they're getting out there and finding love. And I want to really focus this on a lot of our more successful clients. And when I say successful, I mean just professionally, they kind of. They have a job, it's well paying. They. They're the type of person who walks into a room at work and they just kind of own the room. And that is the typical client that we attract. And what we found is that when they bring that. That type of energy to their love life, it actually can create quite a bit of problems. So I really want to hone in on this, specifically those who are career focused, who are successful, those kind of like alpha dogs, professionally, is know, that's a lot of what we see, isn't it, Maureen?

Yeah, for sure.

Yeah.

Everything is going great in their life. And then it's this one part that doesn't work.

Yeah, it's just that one thing. And they're like, why? I can force everything else in my life to work. My health, my career, my everything, my where I want to live, all these things, but I just, for whatever reason, cannot get my love life to just click. So here's a few of the mistakes that we see. The first one that Maureen very much so wanted to talk about today is dreaded disease, the pandemic of oneitis. That is when you meet a guy and he is all you can think about, all you. The only guy you can give energy to. Actually, why don't you give your definition of rhinitis? Maybe it'd be better.

Okay, so oneitis is where you're. You're feeling good, you're going, you're out there in life, and then you have a date with somebody. And on that very first date, you look at him and you go, oh, my God, he has everything. He has everything I want. He looks, he's successful, he has, you know, a great sense of humor, this and that. And in that, you, while you're on that first date, you're like, he's the one. Some part of you is like. And like grabs hold and you become fixated that this is the guy that you want and your energy completely changes from being free and powerful in your life to being really attached to this one outcome happening.

Right, Right. And all of your energy goes from, you know, spreading the love, giving energy to lots of different guys. Yeah, I'm talking to a few different guys to just like laser beams. Just totally focused on this one man. And we'll see it right, Maureen, on like masterminds or in the community where we'll talk to a client about the little love steps and how when they're in little love step number five, we want to pace and slow things down. Especially with, even when you meet a man you really like, really be intentional about continuing to talk to other men until it's exclusive, but they'll still ask questions and post about that one guy. And you know that that is where one, a hundred percent of their energy is going. And by nature, by giving that guy all of their energy, they're actually pushing him away. Do you want to maybe talk a little bit about that, your experience there?

Absolutely. I mean, one of the ways you can tell is that like a woman will be, she'll be saying, look, I'm really trying not to get one eyedist, you know, I'm seeing other people. But then maybe talk about like, well, I know, you know, say his name is Joe. Joe has a new job, so. And I think his sister might have had a surgery last week. So like they know everything about him and they're trying to figure out why he's not calling or why he, you know, and, and then you'll ask about.

Brad and you're like, oh, and well, what was up with Brad and what's up with Jake? And they'd be like, no, I don't really know. You're like, oh, you have oneitis. There it is. Right?

Yeah. And like you always say, men can sense it the second you get those tractor beams on them with oneitis, they feel it and it, like you said, it actually kind of repels them.

Yeah.

So that's why we do so much to help women prevent themselves from getting it in the first place.

Yeah. And when it comes to successful women in particular successful people, we're very, I'm saying we because I would consider us as, well, successful, but us in that category, you and I, and I would say that successful people tend to be very goal driven. And when we see something that we want, we put all of our focus, all of our energy to attain that one thing. And in other areas of our life, that's very, very powerful. Right. If you're trying to lose weight or get in shape or have a certain physique, you hone in on that one idea, and you do everything in your power to make it happen. You want that promotion at work, you're going to do everything in your power for that one thing. They bring that same focus in their love life to that man who hasn't yet earned that level of focus and that level of attention. And this by nature, will drive him away because he's going to say, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are we working with here? Okay, I'm only going to vote this woman three times, and she's already turning into a stage five here. Let's slow it down a little bit. And by the way, I'm saying that because I've been that guy to women in the past until I started learning these strategies 15 years ago. So, you know, we've all been there. But just realize that if you are successful, if you bring that same level of, like, laser beam, tractor. What? What did you say? Tractor beam?

Yeah, yeah.

Tractor beam. Focus to a guy before he's earned it, it's just going to naturally push him away. So we need to find it, shift our energy a little bit from what we use in our professional life or our love life.

Yeah.

So the second thing that we. Which is pretty related, the second. Second biggest mistake that we were discussing is as a successful woman, just trying to really control the process and control the man. And it's related to the first mistake, but it's a little bit different in some ways, because you will hear it all the time. Right. Like, a woman will be like, well, this guy asked me out, but he wants to take me to the bowling alley. And, like, I don't want to go bowling. First date. That's a terrible idea. Like, why is he doing that? Or like, she. Another example might be, you know, we've gone out four times, but he said he's busy this week, and I haven't heard from him for the past two days. So I'm gonna call him. I'm gonna call him because I just want to make sure he's doing okay. And it's just all about this idea of control. And if you feel like you don't have control, you can do everything in your power to win it back. This is something that we see quite a bit is in the morning.

Yeah, for sure. And I'm thinking of something you see where sometimes somebody will say, you know, say, Maybe they've gone on two dates, but then the guy didn't text as often as they thought he should in between, you know, after the second date and they want to already have a talk about it and like teach him how it should be. And that is just the kiss of death, you know, you. So then we, we will help redirect them to say, wait a minute, no, you don't have to teach anybody anything. You get to lean back, you get to qualify him and other men, you don't have to do any teaching right now.

Yeah, they're like micromanaging their love life. Right. It's like if you think if they're again, very successful professionally, what would you do with the direct report? Well, if they're falling off track a little bit and you feel like they're not quite doing the job that you want them to do, you'll sit down and have a conversation with them quickly because you don't want that to go off track. But in your love life, if you've just gone out with a guy a couple times, you're not going to have like a sit down conversation with him about this. You've only gone out with a guy three times. Like relax him a little bit of space, let him do his thing. Especially if he is a very successful, high value man himself. You got to let those types of guys have their breathing room as well. So. Yeah, that's, that's a really, really good point. Can you think of any clients and obviously don't name names, but who, who have really fallen into this?

Well, one thing that, yeah, I'm thinking of somebody recently who, who did that, who had a couple great dates and then was really upset because the guy wasn't communicating in the way that she thought he should. And you know, and she wanted to reach out. But luckily we have our community where we always say come here first. Like don't just take, you know, vet your behavior and your actions here first. So, so that we can help redirect. And I'm also thinking about something I'm seeing is that some people, when they build their online profile, they're even trying to control the process and they're, they're saying like, let's do this and then, you know, and then we will, you know, they're sort of trying to even dictate what the pace is going to be in the profile.

Yeah.

And say like, and I'll blow your mind and I'll, you know, promising all these. But it's all about what they're going to do and how they're going to manage it.

Right, Right. Yeah. Like, I see that a lot with. We see that a lot with online dating profiles. I mean, I think we probably reviewed, I would venture to say, over a thousand online dating profiles over the year. And you can, some, you can always tell the really successful control. I don't want to say controlling. I don't want to say that those are always the same. But you tell the type of, like, controlling person who their profile will always be like. Don't message me if, Message me if you're like this. Yeah, this is the type of guy that I, I want, and I want him to do X, Y and Z when I go out with him. Now, look, it's good to have your, you know, your unique identity on your profile and what makes you special and all that stuff. We have a very specific algorithm or what we put in our profiles, and it's good to talk about what it is that you want in a man. But there's a level of detail and control on one hand is too far and the other is, you know, you want to be. Keep a balance there, I think.

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The third one, I would say, and this is something we hear a lot with clients because they, they join our program, they're really, really excited. And our program is designed to save you time, designed to save you years of your life with the wrong man. So you avoid that type of man so you can focus your energy on the right man. But with that said, it does require some time and effort to go out and meet guys, and many of those guys are going to be no's. Right. You're gonna go with men who are just not a good fit for you. But we hear all the time with our clients, some of our clients who just don't want to waste any, any time, like, oh, I don't want to go any dates. I don't, I don't want to make this happen. I don't have time to even learn the little love steps. I don't have time for any of this stuff. And I just want to say, well, where you put your time shows what your priorities are. And if this is not a priority for you, then don't do it. And that it tends to be a difficult conversation, especially for successful clients, where it's like, you can only prioritize so many things in your life. You can't prioritize everything because then the word priority doesn't mean anything at that point. So sometimes it means we need to spend a little bit less time focusing on our work and our career to then put it into our love life. Is this something you've seen as well with some of our clients?

Yes, definitely. Like, people coming in and they. They want to just come in and just like, oh, I'm just going to grab some stuff every time I have a chance. But they're not. They're not making that commitment and really, like, digging in and pulling everything they can get out of the program because it is. It is transformative. It's completely transformative. But you have to really take it seriously. And like you said, put in the time to learn those little love steps. Put in the time to go on dates. Even if, you know, you have a whole thing about how women are very picky about which guys they'll even give a chance to when online dating, but it ends up, you know, limiting their exposure to great guys.

Yeah, yeah, we hear it all the time, right? It's like, I'm not gonna go out with that guy. He's wearing, like, some weird jeans.

Yeah.

It's like, they'll find one little part of the profile and the back. I don't know about him, you know, zooming to his head. He's balding a little bit. I'm like, 62. And you're 60. Like, okay. And look, here's the thing. I get it. Like, not wanting to be with a guy who is shorter than the average or with a guy who's balding. And you want to be with a man who is financially successful and all that stuff. You want to be with a guy who's funny and has a funny profile. I get it. You want to be with all those things. But the thing that we have learned over the past decade of doing this is that it's very hard to vet people completely based on an online dating profile. You need to actually go out with them and get a feel for them in real life. That's how humans are designed, is for real life connection. And you want to sit down with a guy, and sometimes what will happen with A lot of our clients, especially very successful clients, they'll be like, I'm not going out with this guy. No way. I'd be like, how many guys have you gone out with in the past three months? Like, well, zero. So I said, great, you're going out with this guy. You can only be as picky as you are social. Go, make it happen. And then they'll go on the date. And then within the first five minutes, he sits down and it turns out he's a charmer, he's funny, he's interesting. He's, like, really family oriented. All these things that were not to be found on his online D profile, boom, they're married a year later. Like, that's how this works. So you got to really be willing to put in the time and make sure that you are casting a wide enough net as far as who it is that you're willing to go out with. And if you do that and you, you know, that requires time, it requires energy. But that's kind of what we're there is to encourage our clients to make that happen. I mean, Maureen, you've heard me enough times talking about this on Mastermind. It's just like, gotta go make it happen. And I know you. You're always pushing clients to make that happen.

Yeah. And we have this whole thing called your social score, which is where you're, you know, we sort of have a competition about it where you' tracking how many new men that you meet in, whether it's online or at the grocery store or whatever. But yeah, we just encourage people to just really open up and be. Be willing to, you know, meet men that maybe they wouldn't have given a chance naturally, but when they do, they're just pleasantly surprised.

Yeah. I'd love to know your story before this program because you seem very naturally, like, sociable and comfortable. Like, were you, you know, you said you had more boyfriends then. What was the name of your book that you're going to come up with?

No one's had more boyfriends than me.

Yeah, those have more boyfriends than me. So what was your experience before? Before the little lunch steps and then going through this process and being intentional about yourself, social life. I'm curious. Maybe nothing changed if you're already.

No, no, A lot changed. So for me, it was just. I was never intentional. I didn't know about creating a love vision or. Or having standards for myself. I didn't know about having a mindset of being the prize. So my mindset was always, you know, I Would just, um. And I have attachment issues that, you know, throw. Throw wrenches in too, but into my choosing. But my biggest thing was getting oneitis where I would, you know, as soon as I would see somebody that I was attracted to and, and start to have. Engage with them, I would be single, focused on them, and I would do whatever like to make the relationship work. So even if I started out, you know, with somebody who, and I always had good guys, like, I, I didn't have terrible people that I was involved with. But even if it started out as, oh, he's just a friend, we'll just sort of have a like friends with benefits kind of thing. But then once I was involved with them, I'd be trying to turn it into a relationship, you know, so it just had a lot of reverse engineering. I don't know if that's the right term, but where you're just. Once you're in and then you're like, oh, okay, I'll make this work, you know, but. Oh yeah, because it wasn't based on the, on the, on the right principles.

Right. And that, that, that happens all of the time. Which I think wasn't something we were planning on talking about, but I think it's worth mentioning because you just said it is this idea of starting a relationship as friends with benefits. I think that that is something that a lot of again, high power successful women might do because they're busy and they're like, well, I have, I have my own needs. I want to make this happen. I just want to go into this casually. Isn't a really a big thing in the world. And then two months later, guess what happens? Feelings start to kick in and then we go to the guy and we're like, try to make something happen. Try to make a relationship happen. And lo and behold, the guy's like, I kind of like this whole like friends with benefits thing. Like that's kind of my, my speed right now. That. Because that's how he saw you from the, the beginning, it's very hard to change that later on, right? And then the woman gets very mad at him or frustrated being like, what the heck, dude? I don't get it. Like, we've been hooking up this whole time. Why don't you like, is that. Was that kind of your M.O. would you say? Like, you get to. Did you ever get frustrated with men at that point or was it more.

Yeah, I'm remembering. I mean, I didn't really have very many friends with benefits situations, but I had this one that was very clearly that, you know, that was how it started. But I remember this building resentment that was coming up. And I just remember one time at a restaurant, all of a sudden I just unloaded on him and. And he was like, shocked. He's like, oh my God, I knew you were mad. But I just cumulatively got mad at him because he wasn't, he wasn't treating me like I was. He wanted me to be his girlfriend, which he didn't.

Right.

And. But once, you know, for me, once I would get involved on that level, then I want to be treated like that. So it. Yeah, I just, I just never. Until I. I was so ready when I found your program and heard you, and at that point I was just ready to just not mess around anymore.

I've had that situation happen on the other side where I'm in my 20s, over a decade ago, but I would start hooking up with a girl because that's what people do in their 20s. They start hooking up and she's like, look, I don't really want anything serious here. And I'm like, great. I don't either. Like, this is fantastic in situation because I'm like doing all this thing. I'm writing, I'm speaking, I got all this stuff going on. And then as time goes on, you can sense an energy shift.

Yeah.

But it doesn't say anything to you. Like, no words are quite exchanged. And then you start seeing each other more and then go away for a week and we'll text and I'd be like, why didn't you text me? Where were you? Where? What's going on here? Like, let's be adults and let's talk about this. And then it turns into this just massive blow up. And I can think of a very specific time where that happened. And it was like, well, this is quick because again, once you start it on a certain level, it's very, very hard to go from that casual to committed situation. Does it happen sometimes? Yeah, certainly. But, like, it's not the way that we really. When we're being intentional about our love life and we're actually serious about finding a lasting partner, then that's something that we just hold a very, very strong boundary with our clients on. And I think that can be hard. Like, do you find that that's hard with our clients to talk about that and be like, look, we don't do casual situations here.

Yeah, I mean, I see, I see that all the time where they start dating and, and they'll, they'll be excited about somebody. And then they'll, they'll be like, oh, I wonder if I, if I would have maybe written that when I texted, maybe he would have asked me out and doesn't, you know, so there's a way that, you know, we just want to turn it into something even before we know if the guy really sees us that way. I mean, that's the, that's the thing is that it's all about, you know, spending time with men who see you as a prize, who see you as somebody that could potentially be a partner. And that's a different, that's a different person than a guy who sees you as like, oh, she's nice, she's really attractive. Yeah, she's fun. But they don't see you as a partner. And it's sort of deadly to, to be spending your time and energy on, on men like that, even though they're nice and it's fun and it's pleasant, but it's, it chips away at the self esteem. Because most of us, I'm not saying everybody, but most of us want that feeling of being prized and cherished and, you know, wanted as a, as a partner.

Yeah. Which leads me to a perfect segue. Our final, the final, final point we're going to discuss, and we'll hear this a lot from people who are considering working with us, but maybe do or don't. And they'll say things such as, well, I don't need a man in my life. And we'll hear this a lot. And of course, no one needs a partner. Can you be happy being single? Yeah, of course. But the way it's discussed, it's like you're coming on a phone call with a dating coach and a company that does this for a living, and then you're telling us you don't need a man. I'm getting the feeling there might be a defense mechanism going on here. And the challenge is as well, if you bring that energy to your love life where it's like, well, I'm going out, but I don't actually need a man. A man needs to feel needed by a woman. Like, we need to be with a woman who desires us as well, who needs us to come into life and not like, fix everything, but supplement their already existing incredible life. And I find that especially those very, very successful women, they have this incredible barrier in place between them and man, it just says, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I don't actually need you in my life. I got all the stuff going on. I got the house, I Got the cars. I got everything. I don't need you at all. And it just kind of pushes them away. Have you seen that? Quite a bit with some of our more kind of affluent, successful clients?

Yes. Yeah, for sure. And it. It. It's something where we try to help them learn this. The art of kind of leaning back and allowing in. In a more feminine energy. But for a lot of people, especially really successful people, they just aren't familiar with letting down. And it is. There's no danger in it. It feels vulnerable, but it. It's so much more fun. I mean, it's so much more relaxing to just. To just lean back and. And have fun on a date and just see what. See what's up, you know, as opposed to feeling like. Like, show me who you are. Let's see what you've got. I don't really need a man. So, yeah, we'll see if you pass.

I don't need you in my life because I'm scared of you. And you're. Once I kind of open myself up, you're gonna break my heart anyway, so I'm just gonna push you away and hope that that never happens. But I secretly want it to happen. It's like that type of energy. No, no, no, no, no. Not gonna work.

And that's what's so great about. About what we teach. The way that we teach the strategies through the little love steps is that you learn this way of being relaxed, being feminine, leaning back, being open, but also being protected because you're taught you're controlling the. The pace for yourself, and you're remaining impartial, and you're being the chooser. So you're not putting your. You're not trusting people prematurely. You're just giving them a chance to impress you, to show you what they have to offer.

Amen. Amen. Well, thank you, Maureen. This was fantastic. I hope everyone got a lot out of this. And if you want to learn the entire strategy, we mentioned a bunch of times. So I'll just give a call out the little love steps. That's exactly what we teach and what Maureen is teaching day in, day out with our clients, just go to Love strategies dot com. We have a free training there, and you can get into all that stuff. Otherwise. Thank you so much, Maureen. This was super fun, and you are just like, a welcome wisdom. So I really appreciate your time. That's great.

Thanks, Adam. It was fun.

All right, so now you've reached the.

End of the show.

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