5 Questions That Can Save Your Relationship from Silent Killers

Hey there, all you beautiful ladies. Before we get to the pod, as you know, we don't run any weird ads on this podcast. We want to deliver as much value as possible. So all we ask in return is if you enjoy the podcast, be sure to go ahead and send it to a friend. I'm sure she could use a little bit of help in our love life. Go ahead and share it and just tell one of your friends because that's probably how you heard about this. All right, let's get to the podcast. That's what I love about, like, our clients, when they are in a relationship, they talk a lot about it and they're like, oh, my God, this is what it looks like, this is what it feels like. This is how it finally is. Like, I'm 65 and I've finally met the guy that I've been looking for my whole life, and this is what it feels like. It's easy. It's just easy. Like it finally clicks, right? And he actually listens to me. You know, he's not just talking to me so he can get me into bed. He really listens and he cares. Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast where we help successful women attract high value men to with a strategy and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. Gary. There are some sneaky problems that absolutely destroy relationships. And today we put together five questions that you can ask yourself, maybe even ask your partner to determine if the relationship's really right. Because what you don't see can really hurt you in relationships, right, Gary? Sometimes, like, we're so in it in a relationship that we just can't, like, see through. It's like we have these blinders on and we're just not seeing if the relationship is right for us.

Yeah. I mean, there's so many problems in relationships that are easy to see, right? I mean, your, your partner has, you know, you're meeting a guy for the first time, he's got bad teeth or bad haircut or, you know, something, a wrinkled shirt, you're going to notice all that stuff. And then once the relationship starts going, you're going to notice if he talks too Much doesn't ask you any questions if he's insensitive. Like, that's all the stuff that's really easy to notice. But like you said, there's a bunch of stuff that goes on kind of under the surface that we're not seeing. It's some of sometimes the things that are missing that are really driving the success of our relationships.

Yeah, like e. Early on, you know, you can. Some people just wear it like right out in the open. They're disrespectful, they're unkind, they're mean. It's kind of crazy like how some people, you just see them on a date. Like I've done reality TV in the past and like I'll sometimes be watching people on a date. I'm like, I can't believe he just said that on a first date. Like, that is so obvious. But like, put those aside. Then there are other situations where you're in a relationship and you start to fall in love with someone and you start to really develop these real feelings and then you just struggle to see through the fog of love. I mean, I call it the fog of love. And we all like succumb to that in many ways. It's like when you really love someone, it sometimes just blinds you. I mean, love is blind, right? Favorite TV show.

You know, it's. It's one of those things that we underestimate and fail to appreciate just how much information there is on a first meetup or a first date. There's so much that we're processing. And so when we're over burdened with information, we basically just go to the most obvious things. And so we. Those shiny objects, those easy to see things, that's what we pay attention to. But it's those things that are missing that are sometimes more important and they're just a lot harder to pinpoint. And so it kind of goes back to this, this old notion of like, you don't know what you don't know. And if you're not looking for it and you're not worried about it, you're never going to know what you don't know. Right. And so when there's no overt or clear problems, like he's not saying anything overtly terrible, it's hard to really convince yourself that there's a problem. And so you know, particularly when your relationship's going on for a little bit, you're in the date two or three and it's like everything's overtly pretty good, but you just kind of have that Feeling that something's missing. And you really have to ask yourself, like, is it okay to just feel okay? And that's a tough question to answer. And it's a tough feeling to have because that feeling of feeling adrift, ambivalent, not clear, it's terrible because there's no clear course of action. And a lot of those feelings, that uncertainty comes from a bunch of the stuff that's laying under the surface.

Well, you know, what are the most dangerous relationship, Gary? Like, the most dangerous connections to have with a guy or a person is not when he's a 1 out of 10, certainly not when he's a 10 out of 10. It's when he's a 5 out of 10 or a 6 out of 10. And I'm not talking about physically. It's like when the connection's a 6 out of 10, when it's like just okay, right? That's where it gets really tricky to figure this stuff out. And we hear it all the time from our clients. It's like, he's good, he's okay. But, you know, there's also like, I don't know, there's like, there's other things going on under the surface that I can't quite uncover.

Yeah, it's. It's like this relationship purgatory, right? It's this in between state. It's tenaciously mediocre, and it's just hard to figure out which what's going on and which direction to go. And so, you know, when it's. There's these less obvious, unseen kinds of issues, I'm calling this relationship negative space. And so now you're probably wondering, what the hell is that?

What the hell is that, Gary?

It's something I made up because this is something I made up based on a bunch of research I did looking into the issues we're going to talk about on the podcast today. And this, quite honestly, Adam, is why I love having a podcast. Because we're talking about this thing that literally no one else on the planet is talking about. Because it's something that I created.

Right? Perfect.

And so it's impossible for anyone else to have thought of this, because I did.

Gary, this is why you're the chief love scientist at Love Strategies, baby. You come up with this amazing stuff. I'd love to hear more about it. Let's dive in.

So this is like me nerding out just a little bit, but it's like, this is something you won't hear anywhere else, even though you haven't heard of this concept, relationship, negative space, I promise you, it's causing problems, or, I mean, hopefully it's not. But it is the source of a lot of problems, and you have no idea that it's going, that it's going on. And so the obvious question then is, what.

What is negative space?

That is negative space. Here, here's my definition in. In terms of relationships, it's what's missing that also creates meaning. So it's what's missing that also creates meaning. And so when you understand this, it's kind of the things that you feel but you can't quite put words to. It's this feeling of something's just not quite right, it's not quite there. It's kind of these things that are tugging at your intuition a little bit. And so negative space as a general idea has existed. I did not make that up. Applying it to relationships is unique to this podcast. But negative space isn't such a wild concept. You have heard about this before. Here's what I consider the best example of it is. Have you ever seen the movie, the horror movie Blair Witch Project?

Yes. And I didn't sleep for like a week.

Right, right. Everyone has that reaction, the Blair Witch Project. If you haven't seen it, it's not a typical horror movie, but is literally the scariest movie most people have ever seen. And the thing is, you almost. I don't know if you ever really see a monster ghost where, like, you.

Don'T see any, you know, you just see him in the corner at the end where he's like, he's got his demeanic, I think. Demonic. Sorry, demonic? Yes, demonic.

Demean.

Demonic. And you're like, oh my God, what's happening with this guy? But you never, you never see it, right?

It's lurking, it's there, it's in the background. It's just. And your mind just starts going and you start scaring yourself. This same kind of thing happens in relationships. It's also. Negative space is most prominently used in architecture. And so architects will talk about the space between the stones as. Or the space between things as being definitional to the space itself. Minimalism. I did, I did a deep dive into this whole thing. But minimalism and architecture is all negative space based graphic design. If you've ever looked at a FedEx logo, which you have, we have all seen a FedEx logo. Have you noticed the white arrow in the FedEx logo?

I have not.

And if you haven't, I just changed your life for the rest of time. Because you will Never look at a FedEx logo again without seeing a big white arrow in between the E and the X. And that's negative space at work, Right?

Right.

What's missing gives us meaning. And so in psychology, it's also something we talk about, although we don't necessarily always think of it as negative space. It's the unexpressed or unspoken aspects of what's going on. It's kind of like a Freud unconscious almost. Research in clinical psychology talks about this in terms of, you know, what clients aren't talking about and how impactful that is. And so it's just generally this space where your emotions and thoughts and motivations and experiences, like these things that are operating that you're not fully aware of, and they're hard to notice because we don't actually think to even look for them.

And it's hard to know sometimes the extent of the negative space because sometimes in relationships, as things are developing, some people blow a small amount of negative space into major proportion, and others do the opposite when it's like a massive amount of negative space. Like this guy. Oh, my God. Like, you should be feeling more than you are. Like, yeah, you know, something's off, but it's like, hey, there's a lot. So it's. It's a hard thing to measure when it's coming from internal, because it's not this overt emotion that's just like, oh, I'm feeling this right off the bat. I know exactly what's wrong. It's just like this. If I'm getting this right, it's this inclination that, like, there's just something that's missing from this, and I can't put my finger on it. Is that fair to say?

Exactly. Right. And it. It's. It's like you said, when you can't measure it and it's not easily quantifiable, it's easy to ignore, and it's easy to not even bother to look for. And that's a big problem because when you completely ignore this stuff, you start making it excusable. It becomes more persistent, it becomes more invasive, and it's just more and more subtle. It just keeps coming back because you're not doing anything to address it. And so it just grows and grows and grows. And then ultimately it threatens your relationship, the thing you worked really hard for. And you just. Things fall apart. You don't really know why. And, you know, you talk about some of the worst relationship experiences. That's definitely one of them.

Yeah. And I love the way that this format has been put together because we're going to be talking about questions today. And I think a lot of people are always looking for answers off the bat, but sometimes when you're looking for an answer, it's more so, like, I'm looking for what questions to be asking. Like, a lot of people talk about. You hear, like, astrophysicists talk about the universe and, like, what are we doing here? I know I'm kind of going on a tangent here, Gary, so bear with me here. But, like, people are like, what is the universe? What are we really doing here? Like, trying to explain it. But a lot of them will say, we actually don't even know what question to ask. And it's like, once you start actually understanding what questions to ask, but they don't even know what question to ask, when you actually get into the universe and why we're all here, the same thing. It's like that kind of, like, intangible thing we're kind of talking about here. No, we're not solving, like, the universe right now. But in relationships, sometimes it feels that way. It's like, I don't know what question to ask to start even getting those answers. So I feel like that's what we're doing here today, and I love it.

And I'm sure you've been asked the question. I know I have. I get asked a lot, like, kind of what makes you a relationship expert?

Oh, yeah.

And part of it is knowing all the research and the studies and the conclusions and the findings and all that. And that. That is definitely part of it. But when I really think about it, what makes me more of an expert on relationships than the average person is, like you just said, I know what questions to ask and questions that people don't necessarily think to ask. And that's actually what we're talking about today.

Yeah. So why don't you jump into the first question? Let's dive into it.

So I think the first question to ask yourself is, where are the gaps? And so a gap in a relationship is the space between what you have now and what you're actually looking for. And so the distance there creates this sense of yearning. It's this angst, this sense of incompleteness. It's this sense of my reality is falling short of my expectation. And so it's hard to pinpoint where that comes from. And so you want to look to a few common culprits, like, what's creating that sense of falling short, the size of the gap, the that yearning feeling. And it's you know, to what extent are you and your partner having positive interactions? To what extent are you guys feeling connected? Is there enough emotional vulnerability? Is your partner providing a good sense or source of growth and support? Is your levels of physical touch and intimacy, are they where they need to be? And is your relationship playful? Is it fun? Is it carefree? Is it easy? Not simple in the sense that it doesn't take any effort, but it's like you should have a feeling with your relationship like this is like easy. Like this is something I look forward to. It shouldn't feel like a chore. And so when you start asking where the gaps are, you have to kind of critically analyze like, do I have. And it's not necessarily that once you identify gaps, you're out of this relationship and you take off and you head for the hills. It's no, no, this. I've seen some spots, some areas that we could fortify and strengthen and we're going to make our relationship better by having identified these areas.

Are you ready to dive deep into the male mind and understand why it is we do what we actually do? Well, if so, I have a free training that's going to really help you understand men and get out there and attract a high value guy that meets your needs. If you're ready for that, head on over to the lovesteps.com we have a virtual training there. It's going to walk you through this exact process that's worked for over 10,000 women worldwide. Again, head on over to the lovesteps.com and yeah, check it out. We'll get back to the podcast now. Yeah, and that's, that's, I love that you went through those pieces because I think a lot of people don't even know what a healthy relationship looks like. Like if you grew up in a home where it wasn't a healthy relationship between your parents, if you've never really been around other people who are truly in healthy relationships, then perhaps we don't even know to identify positive interactions, connection, emotional vulnerability, growth and support. Like all of these things to us, like to, to people who are in those scenarios in those environments, like what they are comfortable with is actually very unhealthy relationship. So in order to understand the gap, we actually have to know what that healthy relationship really looks like and be around those types of people and see those relationships or be in a coaching program where you learn about what these healthy relationships look like. When like that's what I love about like our clients when they are in a relationship, they Talk a lot about it. And they're like, oh, my God, this is what it looks like. This is what it feels like. This is how it finally is. Like, I'm 65 and I'm finally met the guy that I've been looking for my whole life. And this is what it feels like. It's easy. It's just easy. Like, it finally clicks, right? And he actually listens to me. You know, he's not just talking to me so he can get me into bed.

He.

He really listens and he cares, you know, and it reinforces this messaging. So then finally it gives our clients this idea of, like, the gap, you know, like, what are the gaps? They understand, like, where is it they. They want to achieve, like, in a real relationship. And I love that.

And part of what happens is when you start identifying the gap, one way to do that is by clarifying the target, like, knowing having a better idea of what you're really looking for. And what I absolutely love about how we do what we do is we have the clients who are looking for their one, their person, all taking the program at the same time of people who have found their person. And a lot of times our clients find. They find their person through the program. They stick with the program, and then they become mentors to the women who are looking for their person. Like, there's one client we have right now who in the last six months has gone from crying terror, like complete, lost, chaotic, thought she was never going to find her guy, decided she was going to be single, bounced back from that with our coaching, she found her guy, and now she's on our masterminds. And afterwards in the community, just talking to everybody about what it is to have a good relationship and saying, no, no, this is what a good relationship looks like. And it becomes this mentoring thing where you don't often get that, where the people who are looking for love and the people who have found that high quality, fulfilling love get to talk to each other in this concrete way and really shepherd each other through the process.

And it gives a lot of credibility, gives a lot of belief to the other clients. Because, like, all day long, you know, you and I are married. We've been in relationship for over a decade, you know, 20 plus years for you, 10 years for me. So at a certain point, some people are like, yeah, you guys are just guys, and you guys are whatever, younger or whatever it is. But when a client who's in a similar age group actually experienced that, suddenly now everyone's like, oh, I can actually Close this gap. It's really interesting. What am I doing with this current guy who I've been in a situationship with for four years, and he only calls me at 11pm on a Friday night to come over when. After he leaves the dive bar after 12 beers or whatever it is. So.

To close the gap, you got to identify it. Right? You have to see it first. And that's this whole negative space thing, is you have to see that it's there, and then you can do something about it.

Amen. Amen. The second one that I loved when I read through the notes of this is, what aren't you talking about in the relationship? And this is a big one. I see this with a lot of couples that we hang out with in a personal life where they're clearly not having conversations about the relationship. Where is that they're going, their future, and certainly when people are just starting to date, even having a basic conversation about defining the relationship, having clear boundaries in the relationship. What are the general rules of the relationship? Rules of engagement.

Right.

Like, how often are we going to see each other? What's appropriate, what's not appropriate? The big ones, hot button topics like kids, sex, money, relationship history. Like, all of these things I've known, Honestly, I want to. I don't want to be hyperbolic, but I will say this. I know hundreds of, like, women, not clients, but women who have been in, gotten married without having these basic answers, like, to these questions. The hot button questions, like, where's this guy want to live? Like, just like a base. How does he want to spend his life? You know? And then they get married, and she's like, well, I want to be a city girl. He's like, I want to be a farm guy. And they're like, what? Like, how did you not talk about this? Just have a basic conversation about where you're going. And sometimes those things change.

Change.

Like, look, as relationships go on, they change, and that's great. Keep talking about it. See if you can build alignment. We call it relationship alignment. Get on the same page. Sometimes people are gonna have to sacrifice, but at least have the conversation and not just have it be this, like, underbelly in the relationship of this unspoken conversation that's never happened.

Yeah. And, you know, very much related to this is another real key piece of negative space and communication, which is silence. Just, you know, not talking in general about things. And sometimes people really see that as positive. It's like, oh, we're comfortable, and there's just not a lot to talk about because Everything's just kind of on an automatic pilot. Everything's going great. But a lot of times that silence can just be a signal of apathy, right? It's. It's when you've given up on somebody, there's no need to address things with them. And so, you know, I say this to students all the time. The fact that I give you feedback on writing, on, you know, public speaking or whatever is because I have a belief in you, and I know you can do better. And I know there's more here. It's when people stop giving you feedback that they. That, you know, they've given up on you. And so feedback and willingness to engage, willingness to have those conversations is a really, really good sign, right? You don't want to be in this silent, you know, sometimes, like, everything's fine. Like, we just don't need to talk much. Like, what else is there to say? And it's like, okay, but why are you not talking? Like, why Is it a power thing? Is it an unspoken tension? Are there secrets? Is there some kind of underlying anger or resentment, and people are just being avoidant about conflict? Silence is one of those big negative space things where you have to get a good handle on exactly what's going on there.

Well, it's my favorite thing in the world when a couple will say, oh, we never fight. We haven't been in a fight in 10 years. I'm like, red flag. Someone's not talking about something. Trust me. Because it's natural for there to be some level of conflict in a relationship because you're two human beings with sometimes different priorities. Look, that's just the reality. Being human, you're. She's going to want to do this thing. You're going to want to do this thing. He's going to want to go in this direction, you're going to want to go in that direction. And what's happening in those relationships, usually one person is just dominating everything. The other person's like, oh, I don't want to rock the boat. So I'm not. I'm just going to go along with it. So there's always something there. And I think that, like, it's funny because I grew up in a household where there wasn't much fighting. And, like, I always thought that I was like, oh, I grew up in a Brady Bunch, like, kind of, like, scenario. And I think that's a wonderful thing as a kid. I think that's really important. It's definitely, like, I never saw fighting growing up, but in many ways, it's like, what wasn't being spoken. And maybe they did fight behind closed doors. I don't actually know. I should probably ask my parents that. But it's like conflict sometimes is a necessary part of a relationship. It's not saying you're having like blowout fights all the time, but being able to have a conversation when it's sometimes difficult. And it's like, hey, look, I want to go in this direction. I see. You're clearly going in this direction. Let's talk about it and let's see if we can find some common ground. Tough conversations to have, but they're important.

Yeah. And just a 10 second tangent here for parents out there fighting in front of your kids. Totally okay. If you're doing it respectfully and productively. Right. If you and your spouse are good communicators who discuss things in the appropriate way, you absolutely should have conflict in front of your kids because you're now teaching them the right way to have conflict. No yelling, no name calling, no disrespecting, asking questions, trying to understand, being thoughtful, taking responsibility, being on the same team, not being impulsive. I could go on and on, but all of that stuff, high quality. You should do that in front of your kids to show them what healthy adult communication looks like.

Love that. Gary. When I have kids, at some point you're going to have to. We're going to do a whole podcast and you can just teach me parenting advice and I'm just going to listen the whole time and we're going to bore everyone because our audience doesn't care about that. But I care. I'm going to record it and just listen to it myself.

I love, I do the same thing in my class in college. It's like they're not there for kids. Like all of them are thinking, no, kids. I'm like, someday you might like, here's a 10 second tangent on. I go on these little, these little, like little mini TED talks about parenting.

Stuff before we lose our audience. Because everyone's like, I've already had kids. They're 20 years old and I'm good. Move on to the next.

So, all right, so the next area of negative space is. So we just said, you know, what aren't you talking about this one? Number three is what aren't you feeling? And so in relationships, the easiest to identify feelings are things like excitement, attraction, mystery, fun, and some forms of support. You know, financial, practical support. Like, you know, my partner comes and does things for me and so we tend to notice those things and we notice them so much that we over index on those and focus a little too much on the excitement and the fun. And then we miss out on these other things that sometimes can be missing. And so what it. What should you feel but you don't. And so the top missing in action feelings that we may not notice that we're even missing in the first place are things like warmth, respect, comfort, affection, admiration, kindness, simply liking each other, giving your partner the benefit of the doubt. And overall, just this general sense of feeling seen, heard, understood and validated like that is core to a relationship. And if it's missing, we don't always think about those things. We don't often we prioritize, like, I'm not getting like that feeling when I'm around them. We notice that, but we're not noticing the do I feel safe in being myself around them? Do I feel like he fully hears and understands me? Those are even more important questions.

Well, Gary, I love that you brought this up because you've done maybe as many masterminds as I've done at this point for our clients. You're up there. I mean, we've done. I've probably done hundreds of masterminds. You have as well. And how many times do we have clients who come on and like, yeah, I went on the first date, I just wasn't that excited. The attraction wasn't quite there. I wasn't like falling off my chair and we're like, hold on a second. But on the first date, like, did you feel like he was a warm person? Did you feel like he was respectful? Did you feel like he was, he admired you, right? Did you feel like you liked him? Like, do you feel like at least on a friendship level you enjoyed talking to him? Did you feel seen? Did you feel heard? Like, all the things you just went over and they're like, yeah, I did. You're like, good, go with him again.

Good.

Because that's what matters. And not to say you're not going to be with a guy that you feel a lot of attraction for. That will come. Like, it will come or it won't come. But the things that we just discussed, those things, you can notice that very early on when you first meet, like, are starting to meet a person, are they warm? Are they respectful? Are they comfortable? And knowing that those are the core things that make a healthy relationship, if you're looking for those things, man, you're going to set yourself up for success rather than just being like, oh, I didn't feel that, like, immediate buzz on the first date, it's like, it's okay, it'll grow.

This is one of those areas where identifying negative spaces, relationship negative space is super important because not everybody knows to look for warmth, feeling heard, feeling understood. What everyone does know to look for is, was there, were there sparks, was there chemistry? That's the programming that you've been receiving your whole entire life about what's important. Like, do you get those warm, bubbly, fuzzy feeling, butterflies in the stomach kind of thing? And if you do, that's great, but it's actually, you know, some of the other things you're missing that are actually more important. And that's, that's fundamentally, you know, what's missing gives meaning. That's the idea of this relationship negative space.

Well, and, and just to like, not, not to trash on everyone's fellow single girlfriends. But I'm going to, because what will happen is you'll go on a first date with a guy and they'll be like, oh, how was the date? Like, tell me all about it. You know, having that conversation. And you're like, he's okay. You know, I didn't quite feel the spark. Like, girl, move on. Like, you can do better. He's not right for you. If you don't feel it right off the bat, then it's not right for you. And it's like, that's not the right advice. It's just not. I'm going to be honest. Like, look, we don't want you to be in a relationship that isn't full of massive amount of attraction and excitement, and we want you to have that. But sometimes on the first date, it's not there, and that's okay. But these other things, like, the single girlfriend will only care about those things. They won't ask about the warmth, the. I mean, maybe they will now just like really painting with a broad stroke here. But I've. I've heard it too many times with clients who come on and they're like, well, my girlfriend told me that, you know, I wasn't really feeling on the first date, so I should just move on. It's like, let's stop. Let's stop maybe listening to that advice because they've been divorced three times.

And the fact is most people actually don't know what's best in relationships because most people don't have the educate. The most common thing we hear from clients all the time is, I wish I would have known this sooner. Or I just had somebody just the other night, on Monday night say to me, I'm 62 years old, and I don't know how I went this long in my life without learning all this stuff. If only I had learned this when I was 15.

Yeah.

And it's because most people, it's well intentioned advice, but it's. It's generally very misinformed. And so you just have to filter. Filter a lot of that stuff out.

Amen.

So moving on with the negative space number four is what's beneath the surface. And so what I mean by this is particularly early on in your dating progression with somebody. The guy's planning the dates, he's planning the spots to go to. He's running his own little bachelor contestant kind of operation where he knows he's got to make these first initial experiences interesting, exciting, and he's kind of like, got to really impress you. He's also knows that he has to show you certain things. What you want to ask yourself is, okay, he show. This is what he's showing me. What's right beneath those things that he's showing me. What is he leaving out? What has he not said? What has he not shared? What has he not shown me? What are we not doing? It's not what he is talking about. It's what's he not talking about. It's not where you're going. It's where he doesn't want you to go. It's the friends you don't get to meet. It's the family he doesn't speak of. It's what's going on beneath the surface, what's missing that gives you a better sense of meaning.

I love it. I love it. And for those people who are in business, I know we have a lot of very successful women who listen to this podcast. And I was just telling Gary before we started, we're hiring like crazy here at Love Strategies, and I did 25 interviews in the past week. All right, 25. Like, just. It's brutal. It's brutal. But the way I used to hire is I would be getting really excited about all the flashy, flashy objects, the flashy things where all these things that they've done. And I'm like, oh, my God, you. You did this. And you. Oh, my. Oh, my God, you are perfect. Done, hired. And now I've learned, having been doing this for quite a while on hiring, and I think, Gary, we have an amazing team now at Love Strategies, found that you are actually looking for what's beneath the surface. Like, what is their true character? Like, what doesn't add up, you know, and what. What is grabbing my attention but is actually distracting me from the thing that's more important. Because you can. Like, when it comes to. Again, just with this example, like, when it comes to work, you can train people on pretty much everything except for character. You really can't. Character and hard work, you can't train people on. And I think in dating, in many ways, like, same thing kind of applies with character. It's like you can grow in many ways. You can work with. You can have a lot of different types of partners, but if a person lacks character, then it's just. It's never going to grow. That's not something that comes back. And when someone shows you their true character, listen, hear it loud and clear, because that is their reality, right?

That.

That is. It's like if someone lies to you, if it blatantly lie, a lot of people would be like, oh, but he's so great. He showers me with gifts. He's got these grand gestures, all this stuff, and it's like, who cares? At his core, he's a liar. And if he lied once about such a silly thing, he's gonna do it again. Right? So, yeah.

And, you know, like, we always. I always say in the context of dating, looks fade, but character endures. And to your point about the interviews is part of that character is just being willing to grow, change, and improve. That's such an underrated quality to look for. And it's definitely something that's beneath the surface, that's not always obvious because you're going on these amazing dates and getting grand gestures and gifts and all that kind of stuff. And so look at what's beneath the surface, what's behind the curtain that they don't want you to see.

Love it. Take us home to the final one, Gary.

So the last one is the last piece of negative space. This is for an established relationship. As I say, established, like, you know, after the first date, second date, third date, what are you not doing that you should? And so we focus on how good the relationship is going. But a lot of times, the biggest mistake I think people make in relationships is once they found their person, they put a lot of effort into solving that problem. But then they find their person. They're like, done. I'm good now. You know what else? My work here is done. Fate now takes over. This is on autopilot. We're set for life. And so the things that you're not doing, the negative space you're creating is, how have you grown complacent in your Relationship. How have you gotten a little bit too comfortable, dare I say, even a little bit lazy? What are you taking for granted with your partner that you shouldn't? There are things about your partner you should be more impressed by. I can guarantee you that right now, everybody here who is dating has. There are things about your partner that are more impressive than you realize. Start spending some time noticing those things. It will pay off tremendously.

I love that. I think that's such an amazing place to end. And it really does put, you know, at the end of the day, I think whenever something's not working, whether it's a relationship or other parts of our life, we tend to externalize it. Like, we tend to be like, oh, it's my partner. You know, certainly in relationships, or if it's like health and fitness, you're like, oh, it's my genetics, or whatever, we externalize it. But I think a healthy way to always approach challenges is to just start with, how am I a part of this problem? Right? Like, what am I not doing that I should, you know? And it's not to say that you take all the blame in the relationship, but it's a good place to start. Because when you start from that place, then suddenly, like, you're coming to the relationship or you're coming to a conversation from a place of like, let's work together and let's fix this thing, right? Like, how do what destroys relationships coming into an argument and be like, you did this. You're wrong. You're the problem. You, you, you, you, you. Now imagine if both people come to the conversation and, like, how can I show up a little bit better, right? Like, I'm trying to show up. This is. I clearly have gotten late. I maybe lazy strong, but I've maybe gotten a little bit complacent. Like, what can we do to, like, spice things up? How can we, you know, go on a date night or do anything that just kind of, like, sparks things again? And ideally, if you're with the right partner, he's going to be thinking the same way. Right? And now that's two people working together. Coming from an approach of like, I'm going to focus on bringing my best self to this relationship. And thus, you know, one plus one equals three.

Yeah. And so, you know, just to wrap up this idea of relationship negative space, it's really be on the lookout for the things that are lurking beneath the surface, the things you're not noticing. Because what is missing is what, in many ways gives your relationship meaning. And so those feelings of being adrift and just really not clear about what's going on. Instead of just noticing that all the things that are easy to notice, start digging just a little bit deeper, asking yourself these five questions. And it's going to give you the greatest gift of all when it comes to relationships, clarity. Because like Adam said, the worst relationships are the ones that are kind of, you know, right in the middle. I always call them tenaciously mediocre relationships. They're just solidly meh. And so break out of that, ask the right questions, and you'll have the fulfilling relationships that you're looking for.

Thanks, Gary. That was awesome.

Thanks, Adam.

So now you've reached the end of the podcast. Thank you so much for being here. And because you have proven that you are serious about attracting love, you wouldn't be listening to this podcast if you didn't feel that way. What I'd love for you to do is go to loveapply.com where you can apply for a complimentary love strategy session where a professional love strategist on my team is going to speak with you directly and be able to see whether or not our executive love coaching programs can be transformational for you and your love life. There's absolutely no fee whatsoever. All you got to do is head on over to loveapply.com schedule that session, and you could be speaking with someone on my team over the next couple days. All right, thanks so much. Talk to you soon.

Bye. Bye.