5 Years From Now, You'll Wish You Took Love More Seriously

In today's podcast, we're going to be discussing what really motivates you, what really kicks you in the behind to get out there and attract love. Because I can assure you, five years from now, I guarantee you will wish you took love more seriously. So today we're going to be diving into some mindsets, some strategies that you can use to kind of just get off that beautiful behind and get out there and start attracting love.

Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else. Backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of love strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy.

How's that intro, Gary? Did that work?

I love it. I like you got to work in beautiful behind. I know you like to use that little turn of phrase and it today is an important one. Like something we do in a lot of our masterminds is we give clients a little tough love. This is a tough love podcast because sometimes that's what you need. And I know a lot of people in the dating world get stuck. You get stuck in a rut. You feel like something needs to change. This isn't working. You got to do something different and you need something to change this awful pattern, like, how are you going to do it? And so, you know, and if the research talks about two different kinds of motivation, there's approach motivation and avoidance motivation. It's like, and those are exactly kind of like what they sound is like, what are you running towards? Or what are you running from? And it's like sometimes there's the promise of something good, like, oh, this amazing relationship and I want to go find that. And that's, that's motivating in some ways. But then there's also the just the what am I trying to avoid? What's that alternate reality where this doesn't all work out? And is that something I need to get going? And so what we know in psychology is the good side just isn't as compelling or motivating as the bad. And so we're going to talk today. It's going to, like I said, it's going to be a little tough lovey, but it's, we're going to Talk about the life that you absolutely need to avoid.

I love that you did this because I, when we're thinking about this podcast, I think back to my initial motivation of wanting to focus on relationships. And it really didn't come from a place of like, oh, I want a marriage just like my parents, although I do, and I want to be in a great, loving relationship. It really stemmed from the deep seated fear that I had growing up because my mother was a divorce attorney. And I just heard every single dinner these horrible stories of these breakups that just like devastated a family and what it was like for the kids and what it was like financially for, you know, the spouses and, and how it all worked out and it, that was like regular dinner topic conversation in the La Dolce household.

Gary, so fun, so uplifting.

What'd you do today? It's true, you know, it's true. And then I remember, like, once I got out of college, I'm like, oh, this is when gets real. Like, this is the moment where I could meet someone and potentially get married and I don't know what I'm doing. And that was like the greatest fear within me that I'm like, I better get this stuff together. I better, you know, move hard. So I, I, I love this because for me personally, fear such a greater motivator than the upside of things. I just, and that maybe that's just how my brain works. I'm just like, I don't ever want to be in that place, so I'm going to do everything possible to make sure I don't. I'm with you.

Like, the fear of failure to me is so much more of a powerful motivator than wanting success. And it's like, you know, for years when I would coach, you know, sports for, with my daughter, any other coaches would always talk about, like, you have to hate to lose more than you. Like, that's the motivator is like hating to lose. And that is so how I'm wired. So this whole idea just resonates with me so much that I kind of love it. Kind of love it.

Well, I think it also will resonate with a lot of the really successful women out there. Because if you're kind of like many of our clients or like myself or like Gary, like, once you hit a certain level of success, some people can actually feel like a little bit lost because you're like, well, I've achieved everything and I no longer have this fear I'm running away from. And, you know, you're trying to get Motivated by this future stuff. But you're finding you're not getting motivated by that. So what I find with a lot of successful clients professionally is they find new fears to run away from. You just have to find like, a new thing that. That guides you forward. So I know this goes contrary to a lot of advice out there where it's like, oh, my God, like, have your positive affirmations and manifest and yada, yada, yada. And we're like, fear the fear. Be afraid. Be afraid of what you might miss out on. But there is something incredibly empowering when it's a Saturday night. Now back to dating. When it's a Saturday night, it's 8pm you said you were going to go out and meet some new people this weekend. You're like, I don't feel like it. Use the fear.

Yeah, use.

Use the fear of being alone in five years to get that beautiful behind off the couch.

Well, and here's what I love about what we do and how we do things at Love Strategies is that, you know, yeah, most other people out there, like, you know, affirmat, manifest positive. And that's nice, and that's the easy advice to give because that's what people want to hear. But here's the thing. Research doesn't support this idea. And so here's. Here's something, A study, a story about rats. And I promise this does turn into something about dating. But there's a researcher, right? That's not usually how this thing starts, but this is about rats. But this guy, he wanted to determine how hard a rat would pull for cheese. So he's like, you know, how motivated are rats and then cheese, obviously good thing for a rat. So he did like a researcher y thing and he hooked a spring to the thing's tail and saw how hard this thing pulled to get some cheese. And it turned out, of course the rat was hungry, wanted some cheese, pulled pretty hard. But then he's like, well, you know, that's a good thing. What about a negative? Like, how hard would he pull then? And so did the same kind of setup. Spring, tail, whole idea, but this time put the scent of a cat behind the rat. So it's like, you know, the rats, like, oh, crap. Being chased by like, the fear of death, basically, or being attacked by a cat. So how hard did the rats pull then? Turns out, a lot damn harder. Like four to five times as hard. So, like, the positive is good, but the negative was a lot better. Like four to five times better. Here's the other thing. That they found when you paired both of them at the same time. The good thing and the bad thing, that was the best combination of all. But still the fear part, the negative part, was the key ingredient. And so, like I said, there's a lesson here in relationships, I promise. And it said, when dating, you want to be really specific about the good thing you're looking for. And that's helpful. But you also need to pay close attention to the pain you desperately want to avoid. What's life going to be like without your true companion? And so as painful as that is, we know it helps. And so that's what tough love is all about, baby. That's what we're here for.

Yeah. Run away from the cat. Run away from the cat. All right, Gary, let's move forward. I know you want to talk a little bit about client story, so we.

Want to do a client story that's kind of captures this really negative outcome that, that we want to avoid. But rather than making about one client story, like we've talked to so many clients over the years and heard their stories, what I wanted to do is put together, like this amalgamation, this, this kind of combined story that takes bits and pieces from lots of different clients. And so what I've created is Gary's special worst case scenario for your relationship love life, which it, it's essentially the dating future, the relationship future that nobody wants. Are you ready? You got, you got a box?

I'm ready. Gary, you got a box.

Tissues. Like it's. This is old.

I got a cat. I have a spring attached to my tail and I got a cat behind me. But let's go.

It was good. I appreciate that about you. You really, really go for it with the spring attached to your tail. All right, so imagine this. It's five years from now. You're sitting at the beach or maybe a coffee shop, looking back on your life. You're accomplished. Maybe you've. You've had money, you've traveled, you've done things that people might look up to, but when you come home, it's to an empty house. Like no one's really there waiting for you. Your life, it's not completely empty, but it's not really full either. Even the great things in your life don't feel that great because you don't have anyone to share it all with. The people who did care. Maybe you didn't make time for them. Didn't take the chance to connect. Now the regret filled memories. There's no one who really knows you. Not the you that goes beyond your successes and failures and masks that you wear. It's more than just your career because you never really allowed anyone in enough. No one really was there to see you fully. You've been too busy, too focused on work, too distracted. You're always on to the next thing, swiping left, looking for something a little bit more, trying to optimize, maximize, and honestly just prioritize all the wrong things. The ones who got away. You remember them and you wonder about the lives that they've built with somebody else living the life that you say you want. And the worst part, you realize that it was all preventable. You had chances to build a life with someone you could love and see you for who you are, but you let them slip away because of the mistakes. And now, after all the time has passed, it feels like you can't get that back and you feel like you may never find it. And so, you know, I think that whole. That there's a lot there, but I think it's like.

You look sad because.

You look like really sad music for that. Geez. Maybe.

But there is something to it, right? Where if we can kind of emotionally connect with that story, which made me incredibly depressed and sad, but then have a plan forward.

Right?

Where we're like, no, that is not going to happen to me. I'm going to move forward in my life. We don't want to feel paralyzed by that story, but instead inspired by understanding that you have the control to ensure that never happens to you. Yeah. It is totally within your control to ensure that you're not in that place five years from now that. That week that you have a busy work week, and you're like, oh, God, I can't prioritize dating. I can't even get onto the apps. I can't go on that date. You say, no, I don't want that future life. Right?

Yeah.

You know when you're stuck in a situationship with a guy who's been stringing along for three years and you think to yourself, well, I'm. It's great sex. I'm just going to kind of keep going with it, see where it goes. You read that story, you say, no, I don't want that. He doesn't get me. I'm going to step it up, ensure I don't have that future life. And so we're not creating this to depress you on any given day when this gets released. We're using this as that fuel to your fire when you're getting out there. Yeah, let it fuel you.

It's a glimpse. It's a glimpse into what the future looks like if today, in the present moment, you make suboptimal choices. You know, I think that one you just mentioned of like, you know, the situationship with somebody who kind of, you know, fulfills some parts of your needs and it's usually physical but doesn't do the rest. Like, where does that leave you in five years? Leaves you sad, lonely, depressed, regretful, looking back at what might have been. And it's. Oh my God, it's like, so it's soul crushing. Like it's soul crushing to think of that future, but at the same time it's fictitious. What I just read is a fiction. It's a possibility, but it's a possibility you can avoid by taking steps, taking action today.

Yeah, well. And I think a lot of people, especially with love, don't take a minute to just assess and take inventory of how bad it can get or sometimes how bad it is. Right. And that's a lot of what we do when we jump on what we call love strategy sessions. We have these free sessions where we jump on with someone who's interested in working with us and we understand what have been their patterns, how bad has it been and how bad is it if they continue forward with the same behaviors and what we've noticed, we've done. Oh, God, I don't know the exact number, but I want to say over 25,000 of these sessions over the past decade, and the one thread that everyone seems to have in common is no one's really thought about it that much, like the depth of it and how much it's affecting every area of their life. And some people may take that as incredibly depressing, but others, and those who actually get results in life take inventory and say, you know what? Not anymore, no more. I'm going to change my behavior and I'm going to change the way I approach love so that I don't have to live in that reality anymore or I don't have to have that future. The way you, you posed it. I don't have to have that future that leads to a love hell. We do not want love hell.

Right. Well, it's like, you know, why do we read fiction? We read fiction to, you know, get a glimpse into someone else's life. And what I just read is a fiction because it again, I cobbled that together through little bits and pieces of things that I've heard clients tell me directly over the years. And you put it all together and it's, it's heart wrenching, but it's a fiction and it can be everyone's fiction if you do something to avoid it. And so that's what we're going to talk about next is how do we, let's up the mood a little there.

Let's, let's get the new vibrations going.

Vibe shift, vibe shift, vibe shift.

Here's how we can avoid that future and be able to create a plan moving forward. And as I was talking about that love strategy session, I don't want to leave you hanging. For those who do want it, you can always head on over to loveapply.com be able to apply for a complimentary love strategy session. And I promise you we will get into your patterns and where it is that we feel stuck, but it will also get into solutions. So we don't just leave you hanging to this, this, this place of wondering, you know, how do I get out of this situation? That's what we do around here with coaching is we focus on the future, how to ensure that that future is not your reality. So the first step to all this is being clear about what it is that you want. If we do not have a bullseye, we, we are going to miss it every single time. Imagine if you went to a bar and they gave you some darts and they just said, hey, you know, go, go throw these darts anywhere in the bar, see where they end up. You're going to end up poking an eye out and it's not going to go so it's not going to go so well. We need a dart board and we need to have a bullseye. We need to know what it is we're shooting for. And that's really what we do with our clients, is we start by creating what we call a love vision. And the love vision is not just a list of the 25 things that you want in your perfect guy. In fact, it's an exercise that allows you to get extremely focused on the core qualities that matter in a long lasting relationship. And when we have the right type of love vision that our coaches work with our clients on, once they have that in place, it kind of works as this bullseye. So that when you go on a date with a guy and he's six three, he's extremely successful, but he also appears to only talk about himself, has no interest in a relationship, you can go back to your love vision and say, nope, that's going to lead me to my five year love hell that I want to avoid like the plague, right Gary, how often do our clients talk about the love visions?

All the time, Everything. It's really the guiding force in relationship decisions. And you know, we've talked about love visions for, for years, but just this summer, just in, in June, a research paper came out talking about this idea of relationship clarity. It's essentially talking about having a love vision and being clear about what it is you're looking for so that you know it when you find it. And what this research found was that people who had greater relationship clarity, who had really spent the time to really think about what they're looking for, they were less lonely and had more life satisfaction. I would also bet this study didn't focus on this, but I would also bet the relationships that form down the road, like six months a year, like far off into the future or are just going to be better relationships because there's something to knowing what you're looking for. Finding it helps you value it even more than you might have in the first place.

This is why we don't need PhDs. Gary. I could have told them this. They didn't need the research paper. What do we need you PhDs out there for doing all your.

I also just think that maybe like you've been saying this for years, someone saw that and like, hey, we should study to see if this is legit. And yes, having a goal, like, we've known this in psychology for decades, like having a goal matters. Like it makes everything easier.

Yeah, yeah, definitely. And I, I just think again, it, it's a, it's especially it. Love visions are not necessarily. I found, I'm curious on your thoughts on this, Gary, but I found that they're not incredibly motivated, motivating, again to the point of this conversation. Like, I love vision. Yeah. Kind of put some pep in your step. Like, okay, this is possible, I can get this. But it's really important when you find that you're dating someone who doesn't meet that love vision, like those are the conversations we have all the time is, okay, we created this love vision a month ago, two months ago, now we're starting to date this new guy. Let's really assess if this man is a long term potential because it's so easy to, especially in those first three months of dating someone, to put on these blinders when you're dating. And because you're just so enthralled, you're in the honeymoon period of a new relationship, you're so excited by this person and so it's so easy to look past these deal breakers. And all these things that you thought you wanted, but then you're making excuses of how you don't really want it. When you have a love vision, you got a coach in your corner, be like, hey, let's get this together. He doesn't meet your love vision, or what are we doing? We're going, this is going to lead us to that five year horrific situation that we don't want. It just, it, it uses, it's an incredible tool in those moments to actually create real action because there's nothing harder than to walk away from a great quote unquote chemistry connection. It's, it's really hard when there's great chemistry, but you know that there's no long term compatibility. And that's what Love Vision does.

Yeah, it's, it's a reality check, right? It's like, it's one of my favorite questions to ask when someone's describing a guy who's amazing and then, you know, they describe all the superficial qualities and say, you know, but he's a little disrespectful. And he was not really, we went out to dinner, he wasn't really nice to the server. And I'll just kind of chime in and say, where are those qualities on your love vision?

Right?

Because it's like clearly, like we don't want somebody who's not kind and not caring. You know, it's, it's like, oh, yeah, wait, okay, right. Like we have to stay true because these are fundamental values. And so it's all about authenticity and staying true to your values. You know, I, I think the second real key to avoid that five year horrific hellscape of a relationship future is it's about mindset.

Right?

And I think one of the key mindsets people need that people need to get under control in modern dating is avoiding this relationship shopping mentality. All the apps, you have all these different options. It's even worse if you have five apps all at the same time. But too many people are treating dating like they're shopping on Amazon. And so you find reasons with every single person why they're okay, but they're not like perfect. It's like, oh, you know, it's like looking at a product on Amazon's like, It's got a 4.7 rating, but it's not a 5. So I can't buy. You're just, you're maximizing and you're trying to optimize in many ways for the wrong thing. Because this idea that you feel like you can constantly do Better, I think sometimes. And the research shows this with maximum maximization is it, it feels self righteous, like of course I deserve better. But what we know is if you have this mentality where it's like, I can just get a little bit better, a little bit better, a little bit better, you're constantly disappointed, it leads to more depression, at least the worst outcomes. This is not the way to go.

Definitely. Yeah. I mean it's just, it's true in every area of your life where if you're. And I think that self, self improvement movement that really took foothold like in the late 80s and 90s, I think in many ways it's done us a disservice because it is constantly trying to push us to a greater future. Which I appreciate that side of it. Like I appreciate what Tony Robbins has done and continues to do to this day. And you know, I've always looked up to him. I grew up with Tony Robbins, of course, and all of this. I'm not just putting Tony Robbins in that category, but at the same time there is a moment in life where you just have to have a deep sense of gratitude for what you have. And I know some of you who are big Tony Robbins fans will say, oh, he, he of course talks about gratitude. Let's not dive into that whole topic. I mean, I'm happy to if we want to, but like there is a mindset with self improvement where it's just always trying to inch to something better. And in relationships there is a moment where you have to have a deep sense of acceptance for who it is that you're with.

Right.

Their flaws, your flaws that you're probably not seeing.

Right.

And that's what leads us to a great relationship where we wake up five years later, we roll over and we look at that beautiful, imperfect human being who's right across from us, flaws and all. But we know that we're cared for, we know that we're seen and we know that they love us. And so it's a balance of the two. And so what I've just, just to kind of like put a knot on that bow. Like put a bow on that knot. I know just to just up a little bow on that idea. Like what can, what I found in relationships with people who are highly into self improvement in that kind of world, they can get into this just constant like mode of, you know, grass is always greener in relationships. Always looking for the next thing when it comes to the apps, just always trying to one up, one up, one up. And it's not very healthy.

Yeah, it's, it's flaws and all. I think, I think that's the key is like your partner's gonna have flaws, you have flaws, you love them flaws and all, right. It's, it's part of just, I don't know, being an adult about relationships. I think teenagers and young people can want perfection because they just don't know anybody. It's like you want them to be great, you want to be super impressed with them, but to expect someone to be perfect at all times is just naive. I think that Gary, this.

I'm sorry, not to buck. And this is why we have a love vision. Because the love vision is a set of non negotiables. Right. The thing about a love vision is it's actually quite a small statement piece that we create with our clients. And what we tell our clients is these are a hard, non negotiable. So if someone doesn't meet our love vision, it is a big fat next. But if someone does meet our love vision, but there's parts of them that we don't like and we're not sure about or like, I don't know, like he likes to go fishing and hunting every weekend. Like, I don't, I'm not into that. It's like, no, explore it, right? That was it in your love vision to not be with a guy who goes fishing, right? No, it's not. So explore it. See where it goes. Who knows? Maybe you like fishing, you know, maybe you like taking that little hook out of the gills and whatever you do with fishing. I've gone fishing like once in my life. But maybe you're into it. You never know.

I also think is really important, something I say to clients all the time about love vision is the things on your love vision. It should be short, it's non negotiable, but they should all be qualities that are tied to long term happiness in relationships. Whether he fishes, how tall he is, all that stuff that those are not long term things. I think, you know, this relationship shopping mindset gets into. People start superficially screening on apps and I think this is really important. I've had clients say things like, oh, I looked at his profile and I know he's going to be boring. Or, oh, that's the kind of guy that just takes. Talks too much about work and it's just, he's going to be terrible. It's like, no, no, no, no, no. And this is important to everyone listening when. Because you're all probably on apps or will be at some point, can someone know everything there is to know about you by looking at a picture and a little blurb of text? No. So you can't do the same for the guys that you're looking at either. And so you got to get out of this. Men dating in your mind. And like, I know how this is going to go, and I know this, and I know this, and I know this. It's all superficial screening. Instead, you want to practice relationship cultivating. And that comes from your love vision. It comes from those qualities that really matter and being really thoughtful, intentional and strategic. It comes honestly from getting to know a lot of guys and taking the time to then really thoughtfully weigh them against your love vision to know which guy is really for you.

Definitely. Which takes us to the final bit where I think being motivated by fear of a hellish future comes in really strong, is all about actually getting out there and meeting guys. Because if you're sitting here watching or listening, you're probably thinking yourself, well, where are the guys?

The.

The current situation I'm in feels like it's leading me to this hellish future. I'm feeling really depressed by this. Well, here's the reality is the guys that you want to be with tend to be outside of your comfort zone. Right? If they were just at your local bar, right around the corner, you know, at the keno bar, drinking Budweiser, you probably would have met the love of your life. They just might not be there. And so some of these places might be easy to meet guys, but they're the wrong types of guys. What I found is with our clients in particular, the places to meet the highest caliber men who truly meet your love vision, it might be a little bit harder up front front for you, a little bit outside of your comfort zone to do some of these things, but the reward is so much greater for the rest of your life to be with one of these guys. Oh, my God. And it totally depends on your love vision. Like, look, we've done videos where we're like, Here are the 10 different places to meet guys. Yada, yada, yada. We're not going to do that in this video because I don't think it serves you right now. This is all about you being willing to step outside of your comfort zone on that Friday night when you're in your comfort comfy jammies and you're thinking to myself, it's been a long week at work and oh, I gotta go to this event because this is a philanthropic event. And I know that there's gonna be really high caliber guys there. But I've never been to one before, and I don't really know many people. And it's at that moment where I want this to kick in hard. It's in that moment where you're making a decision for your future. Which future do you want? And obviously, Gary and I are gonna say, go to the events. Just go.

When it's out. Go out, baby.

When it's out, come out. Love it.

Yeah. I mean, we just did a whole event on courage and overcoming fear. And it was amazing to see how that message is, like, courage is not the absence of fear. It's action in spite of fear. And how empowering that was to all the women that were there who then went out and talked to men. And they would. They would come back to us and say, oh, my gosh, I can't believe I just did that. I never would have done that before. And we would always ask them the same question, how to feel. And you let every single. Oh, my God. Amazing. And it does. It does feel amazing. And so what's going to keep you from, you know, letting fear take over? In some ways, the fear of something even greater, which is that thing five years off in the future. I don't know about you, Adam, but my mom gave me a couple little pieces of advice when I was growing up, and one of the things she would say a lot when I was, like, probably too young to hear it, but it stuck, which was being mature, is knowing what you don't want. Like, anybody can say they want this amazing relationship, of course, like, we all do. But what do you not want? Like, what is it? What is the thing you're trying to avoid in life? Because that is a lot of. That's what this podcast today was all about. It's like being clear about what you want to avoid really helps you take action here in the present.

I love that run from the cat. The cat exists. That's a big, gnarly cat. It's he. The cat might be 6, 4, really charming, handsome, great in bed, but he's still a cat. So let's get clear on this area of your life. And we've talked a lot about strategies and getting out there. We have and love vision. So I want to give you a resource that you can use if you just go to lovestrategies.com on the homepage, we have a free training that walks you through what we call the seven little love steps. And little love step number two is about creating a love vision. So if you get through that training, go through the whole thing, at the end of it, you can schedule a one on one session with someone on my team, and they can kind of walk you through this process if you want some help in this area of your life. But if you don't, that's totally fine. We're here for you regardless. The key thing is that you're listening, you're learning, you're growing, and you're getting intentional about your love life. But we're, of course, here for you every single step of the way. Gary, that was awesome. Thanks, man.

All right, thanks, Adam. Thanks.