6 Qualities that Men Look for in a Wife

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There's a very big difference between just finding anybody and finding the right person for you. And so this, all these characteristics we're talking about today, it's really all about finding the right person for you. You're not looking, you know, you don't want to be somebody's for now girlfriend. You want to be their forever wife or lifelong companion. And there's a big difference between those two things.

Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowher else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. All right, Gary, today we're going to be talking about the six qualities that men look for in a wife. Now, before we get into this topic, I have to make a confession. All right, you ready for this? I know you were late to today's podcast setup, so I'm not. I can't be too mad at you because I am pretty hungover right now. I'm not going to lie. I went to a concert last night. Did you say you went to a concert?

I'm going next week. That. That was part of our mix up dates.

Next week you're going to a concert? Yeah, Yeah, I went to a concert last night. It was one of my wife's best friends came and visited us and she wanted to go to this concert. And let me tell you, I've never been to a concert like this. It was a lesbian band and it was an entire lesbian audience and me.

Okay.

So the only way I could, I wasn't getting any validation because I'm a narcissist. I'm trying to look at women and see, do I get any looks? I don't know if you've ever been to, like, a lesbian bar or anything like that, but you don't get any. Whoa. You get nothing. So I had to have a few extra drinks just because I wasn't getting any attention. You know what I'm saying?

Well, what I can tell you is I'll give you some attention. You look good. You look good for, you know, no one would know. You look pretty good.

Thanks, K. If you were a woman, you would have the qualities I look for in a wife. That's for sure.

Perfect. Perfect. That's what I'm aiming for.

So that's my damaging omission today. So if my voice sounds a little raspy to everyone, I'm sorry, but we're going to have a little bit of fun. Maybe for me, being hungover is like two drinks. So these days, but it's all good. So today we're going to be talking about this, I think, really important topic because so many of our clients are looking for a lifelong partner. They're looking for marriage. Many of them, they might just be looking for companionship, but really what we're talking about is what are the qualities that men look for in a lifelong partner? And I will tell you this. As we were thinking about this. This topic, I was thinking about the moment that I knew that Jessica was the one. Like, and I don't really believe in that term of, like, the one, but, like, the one that I will consider for marriage. And it was only 27 days after we met. I remember because we met on January 1, 2015. This was January 27. I had to look up the date. There was a massive snowstorm in Boston. And she. It was like one of those moments where it was like, coming in hard, like, three feet of snow. And she's like, I should go. I'm like, you know what? Let's get snowed in together. Let's do it. Let's. Let's have a little time. And it might be a little bit early. And she's like, okay, let's do it. And I'm like, man, I haven't spent like three days with a woman that long, like, in a snowstorm in a long time. But I remember at the end of that snowstorm, like, it was all over three days later. And I was like, in my head, don't leave. And that, like, that never happened. That never happened to me. It was always like, I was in bachelor mode. I was always like, can you go now? Like, to previous, like, women you'd be dating. It's like, it's time, like, okay, get your stuff. Get out of here. But I just remember that so clearly. For me, that was just this moment where I'm like, I just feel like she's got the qualities I'm looking for. I really enjoyed spending time together, so.

That was really sweet. I really thought that was going to go a different direction where it was like, there was a big snowstorm, you got snowed in, Jess went out to shovel you out, and that's how, you.

Know, she probably did. She's so much tougher than me. It's just ridiculous.

I thought that's where that was going for sure.

Yeah, yeah. No, it didn't go there, but it was, it was kind of a beautiful moment. And, you know, I, I do think that every guy and every woman has that kind of moment with someone that they're dating. And I think a lot of the things we're going to be talking about today are things that are really within your control as you're dating. Because as, as you mentioned, Gary, in. Well, you didn't mention it, but in our notes you talked about there are two kinds of women. Do you want to kind of walk us through this?

Yeah. And I like how you described earlier. Like, you know, you're kind of in bachelor mode and you never really thought about spending more time with somebody. And I think it's because guys, at least every guy I've ever known, and you talk to guys about what they're looking for. Women, I think guys look for. There's, they kind of put women in two different kind of groups, right? There's the kind of a woman you fool around with. Like, it's just, it's a short term thing. It's, it's a, you know, a one night thing, it's a weekend thing. It's. We know this, this is just for fun. This isn't really going anywhere. There's that kind of woman, but then there's the one who is, wow, there's just something different. They're the kind that you want to get snowed in with, right? It's the kind you want to marry. It's the kind you want to think long term with. And I know, I know women listening to this, you're like, wait, what the hell does that mean? There's two types of women. Like, how terrible is that? And so you probably have two thoughts, right? You hear me say, you know, guys think there are two kinds of women. Like, what the hell does that mean? So one thought is, oh my gosh, guys are obnoxious. Who the heck do they think they are. How dare they? But then I think part of you is also probably wondering just at least a little bit, oh my God, like, what are the criteria? Which one am I? How do I know which type of guys think I am? Because I do think there are different. There are telltale qualities that put you in one side or the other. And so what I like about today is we don't get to necessarily lean into our marriedness too much on the podcast, but it's like, you know, we get to talk today. Not only is like relationship and dating experts, but we're two married guys and we both have like amazing wives. And so this was an easy podcast to put together because I think, you know, we just kind of look at our amazing wives and, you know, look at the qualities they have and be like, that's it. That's what makes somebody a fantastic wife. Lifelong partner kind of material, definitely.

And by the way, let's just call spade a spade. Women put men in these two different categories all the time. I hear about that from clients. They'll be like, yeah, I'm kind of still talking to this guy, but he's not really, like, long term, like relationship material. And always our answer is, then what are we doing here? Right? Like you're in a, you're in a coaching program for long lasting love. So let's kind of say next to that guy and find, put our energy towards the right, right places. And I would give myself probably that same advice if I were kind of fooling around with certain women. But I was also serious about finding a wife and be like, dude, just get focused on the women who have these types of qualities. So why don't we just jump right into this one and have a little bit of fun? I think the first one that really comes to mind for me is finding a person who is a true equal. Right. And that, I think is something that there's a lot of facets to being an equal. But when we are really trying to find that lifelong partner, we just want to feel like we're on the same level. Right, Garen?

Yeah. I mean, we want someone who we need to bring our A game for. It's. They're just not going to go for the same kind of like low effort things that maybe have worked with other women. And that's fine, that's great because we want to raise our game for the right partner because we want our partner to be at a high level as well. Right. And so we want someone who's our true equal and that's in all different ways. It's, you know, we want someone who's smart, respectable and like, but like special too. Like, I think for someone to have that long term potential, they need to have a quality that just is like that plus plus. It's not just an A, it's an A plus plus kind of quality. I know for my wife, it's. There's literally no kinder soul on the entire planet than my wife. And that was abundantly clear from the very moment I first spoke with her at length was just like, she just exudes this warmth and kindness and it's. That's a plus plus characteristic. It's one that I haven't seen in anybody else at the same level as I've seen in her. And so for me that makes that. That really, you know, sets. Sets her apart.

Yeah. And I think that's an important point is that it doesn't mean you have to be a plus plus in every area of your life in order to find long lasting love. But we all have something about us that is incredibly unique, that is incredibly beautiful on the inside that we can really show the world. And I think by leaning into those qualities, when you're getting out there and dating and meeting people, like if you are a kind person and that is your soul, it's like, don't be afraid to pull back on that. Like really lean into that. Right. By the way, Gary, you're like one of the kindest souls I've ever met. Honestly, not to make this a whole love fest, but you know, I learned by watching her. Well, yeah, I'd love to meet Gary before Colleen. We'll see. He's just a hole.

You may not doubt.

I doubt that.

But I think, you know, we want a true equal. We want someone who has got high character. And you know, part of being high character is we want you to be hard to get for everybody else, but easy to get for us. We want to be unique and special. And so it's not a playing hard to get, it's a being selective. But we want someone who's just kind of like this elevated level that's going to take a little bit of work and effort and striving on our part to get because the work makes it worth it. Right. And that is something, it's a signal of quality and it's something that guys are looking for in that long term partner.

Yeah, yeah. And then I think the final piece on this is if you want to find a guy who is successful, a guy who is independent himself, then it requires us to have those same types of qualities of independence. Right, guys, let's just be honest. They don't want to have to entertain you all day long, give you attention, monitor you constantly. Not the same way. You don't want to do that with men. Right. In a healthy relationship, you don't want some man child at home that you have to constantly adhere to. And so being able to elevate yourself so that you are truly happy when you are single and you have that light and you have that group of friends that you can hang out with without him, you have those passions, some type of interests that you can do without him. So that we don't just constantly rely on him for all of our emotional needs and all of our fun and all of everything. Because ultimately if we do just rely on the guy, then guess what, it's going to just lead to total clinginess, total neediness. And again, this is the same advice we'd be giving men. So this is, it's just on both sides of the spectrum.

Yeah, it's all about being equal. It's all about a true actual partnership. Not one leading partner dragging the other one behind them, whoever that is. Right. You want two people working together, that's how you're going to get as far as you possibly can.

And, and I think the reason why this is so important before we get to the next point is that you truly become the average of the person you marry. So if someone is serious about finding a lifelong partner, they don't want to lower their average. Right now, obviously, like, what is an average really? We all have strengths, we all have weaknesses, but if someone is really like intentional about certain areas of their life, they're emotionally stable, they take care of themselves physically, they invest in themselves and emotionally, intellectually, and read and learn all these things. They don't want to be with someone who smokes two packs of cigarettes a day and eats McDonald's for breakfast. I love McDonald's breakfast, don't get me wrong. But. Because what will happen is they're, they'll start doing those things if they surround themselves with that type of a person, if they marry that person. So that's why it's like truly successful people want to find people who are on their level because they know if they allow them into their orbit, it's actually going to bring them down. So just a worthwhile point. Are you getting tired of the guys who don't want to commit? And are you ready to attract that long lasting relationship with. Well, for podcast Listeners, we have a very special training that is available@he commits.com. when you go over there, you can go ahead and reserve a seat. We are going to walk you through the five secret strategies that make men commit. I want you to discover your power and make guys beg for your affection. Go to he commits.com and you can dive deep into that content. All right, back to the pod.

Yeah, I think to that point, at your level or even just a little bit beyond that level. Right? Just a little, like a little aspirational. Just a little bit. So you have a little bit higher to aim for. And like, if you can both as partners do that for each other and just continually level up, there's no, there's no stopping you. Right? I mean, there's no stopping you.

One plus one equals three, baby.

And relationship synergy all the way. I like.

Yeah. What is this next one? You said number two is a rock.

Yeah. So we want, when you're looking for a long term partner, you want someone who's a rock. Not to be confused with the rock. We want a rock and a rock.

Oh, my God, Gary, you are such a cheeseball lately. I don't know what this is.

And so a rock is someone who's reliable, stable, consistent, in other words, not chaotic and unpredictable. We want predictability. We don't want to get one person one day, another person, another day. We moment to moment. What the research talks about this as is neuroticism. And we know that neuroticism, emotional ups and downs, it's one of the things that is most toxic to long term relationships. And so if you want to look at somebody who's a rock, they're nurturing, right? They're, they're kind, they're caring, they're supportive. One of the qualities my wife has that is very much in the rock the rock category is she said from the very end, she's like, I'm very easygoing. And what that actually meant was she's not neurotic at all. Like, she's not highs and lows. She's steady. Very, very steady, emotionally stable. And that's really what you want.

Dude, that's so true. I mean, that's, that's Jessica for me. You know, like, you know, with love strategies, we're growing a lot. And I've been working a lot of hours lately and, you know, sometimes I can get a little cuckoo when I'm not getting enough sleep. And like, Jess is literally my rock. She's just like, go to bed, get some sleep, relax, go Kite surfing. And it's like all of these things that I'm like, okay, all right. You're so right. Thank you for, like, bringing me down, because I'm just, like, working too much, got all these things going on. And, you know, it's all wonderful things, but, you know, I definitely any. For me personally, I. I'm pretty. Like, I'm not neurotic, but I'm a pretty, like, driven person, and I'm always trying to push myself maybe a little too much. And I've dated other people that might be similar to that in the sense of, like, they're kind of, like, a little cuckoo on that front. And it wasn't a good mix for me. It didn't. It didn't kind of jive with me, because I found that then it wasn't my rock. It was actually the opposite. It was like, I would get off doing all these, like, crazy things, and I come home, and then I'd have to. Or go on a date, and I'd have to, like, dive deep, deeper, even more into, like, this craziness. And that's what I think personally led me a lot to my wife is she's very similar to Colleen. It sounds like, where she's just like, it's all good. Just relax, have a glass of wine, have a little bit of fun. Like, life's gonna pass us by. What's. What's the point of all of it? And you're like, ah, you're so right. You're so right. Thank you.

Now, what I think's interesting about that is I'm sure there's somebody listening, saying in their mind something like, wait a second. I see guys with crazy, chaotic types of women all the time. Certainly. Yes. Yes, you do see that. And you may see guys with them, but what you don't know is how that guy sees that person that they're with. And it goes back to the same thing about two categories is they. Just because they're with them doesn't mean that in their mind, they're with them forever. And so it goes back to something we talk to our clients about all the time, is there's a very big difference between just finding anybody and finding the right person for you. And so this. All these characteristics we're talking about today, it's really all about finding the right person for you. You're not looking, you know, you don't want to be somebody's, for now, girlfriend. You want to be their forever wife or lifelong companion. And there's a big difference between those Two things, Gary.

As our chief love scientists and our resident psychologists here at Love Strategies, I have a question for you.

Okay.

Can. And this is off the cuff, so I'm just asking you, can you change someone from being neurotic to not neurotic? If we have people listening who are like, I am super neurotic, is that something that they can work on? Do you know, like, I would be curious on. On your thoughts. I have my own thoughts on it. We've had clients that are like that. But I'd be curious on your thoughts.

I think anything is possible. And you. It's something you can definitely change. But it's like all kinds of lifelong habits. You have a couple decades, probably head start on whatever way you are, and so can you change it? Yep. Is it going to take a while?

Yep.

Right. It's going to take some patience. It's going to take deliberate, intentional, purposeful effort, but it's going to be worth it. I mean, because you will start seeing changes, but you're going to have to purposely work through habit formation with something new, with a new pattern, and you're going to catch yourself and you're going to fall back and then, you know, you're going to have to just keep pushing forward. But so is it possible? Yeah, it's difficult, but it is absolutely possible.

Yeah, I agree. I mean, clearly, like, our DNA dictates a certain percentage of neuroticism. Some people are just chill by nature. Others are, like, hyper neurotic. But my experience with a lot of our clients, who I might put in the more neurotic category, if you look at their lives and how they live it, the way they sleep, the way they eat, the way they. The people that they allow into their life and the way that they go about dating. I would be neurotic, too, if I was living that way. And so making. That's why a lot of people and coaches will say we got to work on ourselves first before we get into a relationship and be able to attract a healthy relationship. Because it's like if your whole life is chaos and now you're super neurotic and emotionally in state unstable and you're all over the map, guess what? We're going to push away every single guy that comes into contact with you. So first place to start is creating a little bit of stability in your own life and finding some joy in your life. Like getting to a point where it's not one day it's just like the absolute worst thing in the world, and the next day it's oh, my God. Life is so. And it's just all over the map. Like, the emotions are just constant chaos. If we can learn to create a little bit of stability there, live more of a stoic life, and that's a whole other podcast, then I believe that anyone can definitely get to much more of kind of a level playing field with their emotions.

And just to be clear, we're not saying don't experience emotional highs and lows. Emotional highs and lows are what makes humans human. It's just have a lower degree of ups and downs. They can still have ups and downs, but like not so drastic and not so unpredictable. Like, you just. It's part of emotional regulation. It's part of emotional intelligence. Just being in control of your emotions and knowing when to dial it down and maybe when to ramp it up and just kind of be able to pick those spots.

I don't know, man. The Tom Brady approach. Pure stoicism. No emotions, just robotic. Robotic. Seven Super Bowls. You're like, all right, just gonna, that's fine. I'm gonna move on to the next.

It's like, never crack a smile.

Yeah, exactly. Take us to the next one, please.

All right. So very much related to having someone as a rock is having somebody. And this is very much inspired by the Godfather. I love, I love those movies. But a consigliere. So someone who is your go to person, easy to talk to, someone who gives you wise counsel, someone who asks good questions, someone who's a good listener, and most importantly, someone who's not just a yes person. Someone who's going to push you, challenge you when you need it. Just today, this morning, in fact, the other night, I had a horrible night of sleep. I was super tired. So this is Monday night. Yesterday. Because I was so tired and so out of it, I'm like, you know, I'm going to do. I'm going to go to the gym, sweat it out, push myself. And then after that I'm going to go for a run. And in the process of doing all that, I injured myself because of course I did. And so my wife this morning asked me, how are you doing? Are you. Are you still sore? Are you still hurting? Like, yeah, it's. But it'll give me a couple days. I'll be fine. And she goes, no, no, no. Are you okay? Like, what are you doing to yourself? Like, I was like, yeah, I don't know. Like, I just, you know, I just. She's like, no pain, no game. Like, yeah, it's exactly right. She's like, gary, what are you doing to yourself? And that is. That is a consigliere. Like, that is someone who's not just like, oh, it's gonna be okay. You're fine. What can I do? Like, she offered me a leave and all that kind of. It was just great. But then she was like, no, no, seriously. And she said, and it was almost an exact quote, you have to figure out what it is that makes you do this to yourself. And I'm like, solid point. Like really? Like, that is a solid point. Well taken.

So true. I love that. And I think that this is where we talk a lot about the idea of. Yeah. Having someone who challenges you in your life. And that's true of any relationships you really have, whether it's a friendship, a professional relationship, or a romantic relationship. Jessica is definitely a devil's advocate to me. Constantly. Sometimes annoyingly so at. At the moment. But then she ends up being right. There's so many. She's probably gonna see this part of it. No, she won't. She won't be listening to this. So I'll say. But I think she's like 90% right. Over a 10 year period, over the things that, that we will, like, debate over. And it's just amazing looking back on it. And I think the same thing is, Gary, I was calling you my no man today, my N O man over slack. We were chatting and I'm like, you're the one who always disagrees with me on stuff. And I love it. You're my consigliere. Is that how you say it? Consigliere?

That's close enough for two non Italian guys.

Yeah, exactly. Because I'm like a shoot, shoot from the hip type of guy. I'm like, oh, we're gonna go do this thing. We gotta do this thing. Oh, we're gonna implement it today. And Gary's like, hey, man, like, have you thought about, like, just not doing that right now? I'm like, gary, you're so annoying. I'm doing it. But you're right. Thanks, consigliere.

I appreciate it. And it's the. I'm not generally disagreeable, but I do. I'm good at being. Yes, you are. I'm good at being the no guy.

You're the no guy. You're the no guy.

Let's tap the brakes on this. Let's slow that down.

But that's. That's the thing is like having no people in your life are the ones that actually help you grow. And I've dated Women who are just total yes men. And who knows, maybe if we, like, continue dating for a much longer period, maybe they get more comfortable. Be a little bit more no. With me, I'm sure that that would happen. But even still, like, from the start, I think it's important to feel comfortable to challenge men and. But do it in a thoughtful way, obviously. And if he's kind of BSing you on something, call him out on it. Like, that's one of the few things I remember with Jessica on some of our dates is like, she would just be like, dude, you are so full of it. And I'm like, yes, I am. And I like you. I like that. More of that.

And just one of the things I want women listening to this to remember is most guys have grown up in at least some version of a sports culture, and sports culture is all about coaching. And one of the things that's true about coaching, particularly in a sports environment, I think it's true in all environments is the people. When someone's willing to give you hard coaching or hard feedback, the only reason they're willing to do that is because they care and they know you can improve. It's when people stop giving you feedback, that's when you worry. Because when people stop giving you feedback and things to work on and things to grow with, that means they've given up. It means they're thinking, this isn't going to help. What am I going to bother? So when people, you know, so sometimes you think like, oh, I don't want to give them, like, tough feedback. It's like, no, you do because you care, and they should care that you care.

That really is. That marks the end of a relationship when you're like, I'm over it. Like, I don't even care anymore. It's not worth the battle. Like, I have some friends that are like that. I'm like, I'm not even going to, like, say anything at this point. Just let them do their thing, whatever. It's interesting.

They're going to learn it the hard way. Okay.

They are. All right, let me do the fourth quality that men look for in a wife, because you had originally a Swiss army knife. And I thought, what about a Swiss army wife?

I like it. I like it. No, I saw that edit. I was like, smart. I like it.

A Swiss army wife. How about.

Great.

Like, are we going to get in trouble for saying that? But a Swiss army wife?

I'm glad you took credit. This was all you.

This was all me. You have tenure, dude. You can Say anything you want. It's all good. And I'm a CEO of a company, so we can say whatever we want. But I would say the same thing. You're. You all are probably looking for a Swiss army man, which is a multifaceted, positive person who has kind of this nice blend of humor and gravity. You're mature, yet youthful, responsible, but spontaneous. Kind of like it's. It's the contradictory characteristics we always call them. You have multiple parts of you that really. It's not like we can just put you in one box, right? You. You have a lot of different qualities that are kind of out there and don't necessarily all align with each other. And that's a very fascinating thing. That positive person who's just very multifaceted. I love this one. I thought this was a good one.

I think. I think it's all about versatility, right? It's like, got. Everybody wants to be with a partner who's equally comfortable going to an expensive fundraising gala, but also, like, hanging out at a dive bar, going to a baseball game, hanging out in the bleachers of Yankee Stadium. Like, you want someone who can, you know, hit that full range of experiences and be cool in every place, right? You want someone who's playful and professional at the same time. Like, if you're going to spend the rest of your life with somebody, your life is going to be full of all kinds of experiences. So you really are looking for somebody who's versatile, who can fit that Swiss army wife, who can fit in all these different places in all these different ways and be good at a lot of different things.

Yeah, I totally agree. Jessica. You'll find her in a dive bar most of the times, but she'll also get done up for a ball for a gala, that's for sure.

Yeah. It's just the ability to do both. It's underrated in so many ways. It's like life is diverse. And so being able to be comfortable in multiple situations, super, super duper important. All right, so the fifth characteristic that we look for in long term. Partner sanctuary from the turmoil we. I was just saying life is going to be diverse, Right? You know, it's life. It's always going to be tough. Tough. There's going to be parts of your life and you're together for years and decades where things are not going to go your way and. Or you're in a chaotic phase of moving, having kids, changing jobs, doing something in your career that's big. You need somebody who's going to be the Calm in the chaos. That person who offers a sense of calm, comfort, stillness, peace. Someone that's easy to be around. Like I mentioned before about easygoing. Like, that's something you want. You want somebody who's a problem solver, not a problem finder. Life's gonna be hard enough. You don't need somebody who's just constantly out looking for everything to be wrong and like, oh, what's wrong with this? And what's wrong with this? And complain, complain, complain. Negativity. We don't want that. We don't want anybody that creates stress. We want someone that makes our stress evaporate.

Yeah, absolutely. And I think that that is, especially when we talk about, like, masculine versus feminine energy through dating and in relationships, like when a guy is going through a very difficult time, that's really stressful. Like, there is this nurturing component that they're looking for or quality that they're looking for, that feminine energy in a woman where it's like, you know, we can go all Freudian. Is it just going back to your mother and you're like, I need to be held, Gary? Or it's just like, you need.

Are you asking me to hold you?

No, mama, no. It's just there's some nurturing energy. I don't know why I got weird there, but it's kind of funny. Maybe that's the hangover kicking in right now for all of you guys, but it's that nurturing, caring energy that you just want to come home to. Not again the chaos, not the problem creator. And I know plenty of guys who are married to women that kind of display the opposite qualities. And when they are in chaos in their life, they don't go to them for a reason. They go to their buddies, which is fine. I mean, that's another release. I think everyone can have that. But, like, they'll go golfing, they'll go out for a night with their buddies, they'll do anything but be around their wife because it's not a nurturing moment at all for them. It actually just makes it even worse. Um, so, yeah, and I think that that's something we can all be really mindful of is just when some. When your partner's going through a difficult time. And I think this is equally true for both men and women just to be that nurturing partner and be that sanctuary when someone's in turmoil.

Yeah. And you just, you can't have both partners in crisis mode at the same time. And I think what happens in long term relationships is it's really like you're passing of the baton, so to speak. It's. You can be in crisis mode, but then if you're in crisis mode, it's your partner's obligation to be the sanctuary. But then when your partner is in crisis mode, you flip the roles and then you become. So you need to be able to play that sanctuary role. Men, women, any spouse in a relationship, you need to be able to fill this role. Because you can't have both partners going through crisis mode at the same time. Like, someone needs to be the one that says, it's going to be fine. You can't have both people saying, it's all over. We're doomed. You can't have both people just saying that. Then everything falls apart.

Yeah. Yeah, I love that. Take us home, Gary.

Yep. So the very last one, very much related to this, in a slightly different supporting kind of role, is you're looking for somebody for a lifelong partner, for that wife material, so to speak, to be your number one fan. And I don't necessarily mean this in a, you know, put it, put me on a pedestal, narcissistic, you know, bow at my feet kind of way. I don't mean it that way at all. What I mean is, if you're looking for a guy who's successful, one of the things I know about every successful person that I know in my life is they're really, really hard on themselves. They're really demanding, they push themselves. They're driven. And sometimes they're way too hard on themselves in the sense that, you know, they'll come home and be like, I suck. I'm terrible. Like, I know every once in a while, like, I'll come home from a class and like, yeah, class, I was terrible today. Just horrible. And it's like, was I. I mean, for me, I was. But, you know, when you have those kind of moments of doubt when you're pushing yourself too hard, it's nice to have someone there to be like, come on, you know that that's not true. You know how good you are at this thing. You know that I believe in you. You know that you can do this, right? You. You need someone like a cheerleader, almost. Like, I need someone to, like, help propel you forward.

Yeah. And I think the big thing, too, for successful people is having a partner who roots for you no matter what. When you're down, I think it's easy to root for someone. If someone's down in their luck and you're like, I'm here for you. You can do it. But even more so when you're really up. Like, because something happens sometimes when someone becomes very successful where people kind of stop rooting for you a little bit. You know, I'm saying, like hyper successful people, they're not getting congratulatory emails and pats on the back anymore. Because once you kind of get to a certain level, no one gives a crap. But having a partner who is still rooting for you, like, they're really in your corner, that's pretty hard to find who is like, genuinely just wants to see you win. And when you have that in your life, then hold on to it, keep it. So, yeah, I mean, I love this.

As people say, you know, sometimes people will call this your ride or die. Like this person who's just with you no matter what. And I think you know your point about when you're successful, you don't get that, you know, number one fan piece as much. The other thing I think is important when you're successful is to have somebody in your life as a number one fan who even when you're doing well, still sees a version of you that's even better, that you may not see yourself. Right? They have like this aspirational version of you that is just a little bit better. Like, just that, like says to you, like, I believe in you and I believe that there's even more. Like, I believe that you can do better. Not in a high pressure kind of way, just as like, you're doing great, but like, you are so full of greatness, like you can do and that, I mean, who wouldn't want somebody by their side who's, who's doing this for them? And so, you know, we are talking about wife material, but it, he should be doing this for you too. Like, every single thing we've talked about today, it goes both ways. And so don't you want a guy in your life who sees you as a better version than even you see yourself? We call this in research, we call positive illusions. And they are extremely, extremely helpful and super important for long term fulfilling relationships.

Yeah, definitely. And I mean, I think you can reverse everything we just said. And yeah, these are the things guys are looking for in a wife, but these are also the things you should, like you said, be looking for in a guy. These are really. We could reword this whole thing, be like six signs to look for in a husband. Because it's the same thing, right? And if you find that a person is not rooting for you, he's not your number one fan. He's not a sanctuary for turmoil. He is not a Swiss army husband. Not the same ring to it. He's not a consigliere. He's not a rock for you. He's actually chaos in your life and he's not a true equal. Next, next, next, next, next. He's out. So really, I think that this is more of a conversation about marriage and lifelong partnership. And notice one final thing that we haven't said once yet is anything about physical attributes. Not a single word about it right now. It's not to say obviously men are attracted to the physical, women are attracted to the physical. But after a few months of dating, that becomes far, far less important than the qualities that we're talking about here. So if you are really serious about finding that partner and that long lasting love, show up in this way for people in your life, everything we talked about, and suddenly you'll start attracting those types of people in your life. So this was really fun, Gary. I appreciate it and thanks so much, man. It was great.

Thanks, Adam.

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