6 Red Flags of an Emotionally Broken Man

For all ladies out there, if you are like our clients, you are probably exhausted dealing with these emotionally broken men. It honestly feels like they're like robots walking around. They don't have emotions. So what we're gonna do today, so we're gonna be talking about the six major red flags that someone is emotionally broken and how to handle that moving forward. Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. Gary. This is going to be a good one. I'm excited. I think this is going to resonate with a lot of the women out there.

I feel, you know, as two guys, part of me feels like we're almost betraying men a little bit because we're breaking down guys pretty good in this episode, right? Like, this is a very much pulling back the curtain a little behind the scenes because as two guys, I feel like I don't know about you. I know a bunch of guys who fit into this category. So putting this together was easy because I could just describe some people I know. But it's. It's also so important to get this information out there because I feel like women don't always see it as clearly as we can as guys. And so we can do a lot of good here.

The thing about podcasts like this, we're not man bashing because not all men are emotionally broken. And in fact, the guys who are struggling emotionally, I hope they hear this and they can recognize these red flags as well and start to work on it a little bit. Because if a guy's really struggling in this area of his life, he should be aware of this. And if he really does want to have a long lasting, healthy life, he's going to have to have a long lasting, healthy relationship. And so I don't feel bad about it at all. In fact, this is the type of information I wish that I had when I was like 22, 23. Wouldn't call myself emotionally broken, but definitely emotionally avoidant. That is for sure.

I do think you raise a good point because I think a lot of the guys who, who fall into this Category probably don't even realize it. And I think that's probably part of what is causing them so much inner turmoil is they don't know what's going on, they don't know what's wrong. Because partly what makes the emotionally broken guy hard to figure is he comes off fairly masculine in a lot of ways. He's assertive, he's confident, he's a problem solver, he's driven, he's tough, he's brave, he's all these great things. But he's also kind of too stoic, he's a little too reserved, a little too self sufficient. And I think a lot of times guys are very much in a fake it till you make it kind of position with this stuff. And they feel this lack of connectedness to their own emotion and almost adrift and they don't know why. And so they're just out there just trying to be a guy without really knowing any better.

Well, I think when you're certainly. I'm thinking back to when I was younger as a guy, you weren't really rewarded as a guy certainly in his early 20s for being highly emotional and emotionally vulnerable with women. You know, it's like late as you develop and you're married or you're just become an adult as a man and have adult level relationships and marriages, you're very much so rewarded for it. So I think there's a kind of a disconnect, especially when you're younger, to just toughen it up, you know, don't look at those, that emotional stuff, don't feel it, don't feel feelings. You definitely aren't getting any good feedback from your buddies. You're not going to your body. Like even through the worst heartbreaks in the world, it's pretty rare. It has to be a really good guy friend to actually share what's going on inside. Most of the time it's like, nah, whatever, she sucks, move on. At least that's what we do here in Boston, Massachusetts. I don't know.

Let'S just go to the wicked awesome. It'd be wicked awesome, bro, if you just went out, found another girl, do.

Some fireball shots and just call it a day, you know. But look, as you get older, you realize that healthy relationships, in order to have a healthy relationship, you need to be vulnerable. You do need to share those parts of you that aren't necessarily so, I don't know, so classically masculine where it's like you got it all figured out at all times, you know.

And I think you know, it's going to be important. You know, we're talking a lot already about emotionally broken and sort of where's the line in terms of just a guy who's quiet, quietly competent, solid all around dude versus someone who's emotionally broken? And I think in terms of how we're using the term emotionally broken here today, it's, it's a guy who has a hard time dealing with emotions. He has low self esteem, but it doesn't seem like it. He, he's like over responding to low self esteem by acting too tough. It's like a fragile high or a fragile low self esteem. It seems like he feels good about himself, but he actually doesn't. He actually has persistent pessimistic thoughts. He feels stuck. Like he, like, almost like he's holding on by a thread, struggling. He might describe himself as drowning or feel that way. Just kind of, like I said, adrift. And it's not always clear why, and it may not be clear as to why from his point of view either, but it's possible there's unresolved trauma. And importantly, I think, you know, for, for a guy to qualify as what we're saying, emotionally broken, it's not situational. It's not, you know, immediately after something bad happens in his life or, you know, his favorite sports team loses or his dog dies or he loses his job. Like, I mean, like, those are just like natural reality. It's like this is the guy who's kind of persistently, typically this way, Gary.

You'Re giving him a pass if his favorite sport team loses. I am.

I am.

So if the Eagles lose.

Yes.

You can go nuts and start throwing plates against the wall, and that's okay.

I will appear emotionally broken after a Philadelphia sports team playoff loss for a period of about two days of mourning. Yes. Guilty as charged.

Yeah, I've been talking to your wife about this. We've been meaning to talk to you.

To be fair, it might be a sign of a problem, but I own it.

Yeah, well, I mean, look, being emotionally broken, it's a problem because I think it causes men and people to sabotage relationships over time. I mean, clearly he's going to have trouble trusting people. You can't really trust a person if you're completely emotionally disconnected and broken, obviously struggling with intimacy, vulnerability. And I think the biggest piece is that you just keep people at a distance. And this is the part that I very much so resonate going back to, you know, before I went through my own kind of personal transformation in this area of My life, I was always keeping people at arm's length because I didn't know how to actually share what was going on inside my head, you know, and when you're that far disconnected with your own emotions, then you just have to keep people at arm's length because if you let them in, then you have to really confront what you're feeling on the inside. And that's a scary thing for a lot of people.

Yeah, confront it, talk about it, explain it, understand it. And those are all scary.

You got to talk about it, use.

Some words in there. And I think one of the biggest problems of all this from the perspective of the emotionally broken guy is the research is very clear. Like the more emotionally closed off you are as a person, the lower your well being. And the terrible irony of this whole entire thing is the guy is not going to show you anything, any of this early on because he knows this is not attractive. Right. He's keeping his personal business personal. And he's going to be going out dating for several dates, three, four maybe, wearing a mask. I mean, and to be fair, everyone goes out on a date wearing a mask. Being someone they're not psychology, we call this self presentation. And it's just, you know, how you're showing up to others. But with the emotionally broken guy, there's something going on beneath that mask that you really do want to get a handle on because you want to know what you're getting yourself into and you'd rather not have to wait a month, month and a half, two months to really start figuring out. And so that's what we're talking about today is, you know, some of the things you can look out for to, to pick up on some of this ahead of time.

Yeah. And, and as we're going through this, I challenge those of you who are wondering perhaps, are you a little emotionally disconnected? Use this as well. Look at this through that lens as well. This can very much be focused on men, the men you're dating, but also have an opportunity to look in the mirror and say, am I projecting any of these red flags when I'm connecting with a guy who might be very emotionally available and perhaps could be helpful there. So, Gary, do you want to walk us through the first one?

Yeah. And so, you know, the first red flag that this guy might be emotionally broken is just big mood swings and just emotional volatility. One moment he's fantastic, everything's fine, cool, calm, collected. And then somebody cuts him off in traffic and he loses his mind. Like he goes nuts and so you might see this firsthand. That's probably going to take a little while. Or he might just kind of have a story like you're meeting on the first date. Oh, and he's running a minute late. Oh, why were you running late? This idiot was driving and it's like he might just have this say what? Okay, that's an interesting response. That's not necessary. We don't necessarily have to lash out, fly off the handle, you know, immediately go to anger, be super irritable and frustrated by minor inconveniences. That's not how we have to deal with things. You know, maybe you're out to, you know, a meet first meetup or a date and he's gotta open a package of something.

Right?

It's just like it's a ketchup packet or it's going to a classy restaurant, it's a ketchup packet. Of course he's having like a hard time opening it and he just freaks out and starts like, smash it. Hey, look for just like these subtle little things that just shouldn't set off a well balanced person. That's what I would say to look for.

Yeah. I mean I think everyone, and I'm sure the research shows, Gary, you can correct me if I'm wrong, but everyone has to some degree a level baseline when it comes to their emotional state. And, and if you see someone go from whatever their baseline is, whether it's a 2 or 4, and you see it suddenly spike to a 12 with something that is just so irrelevant in life that is, I would say of all things, that is the thing to look for very early on. Because let me tell you, if he's doing that throughout dating, oh my God. Is your life going to be absolutely miserable in marriage? Because you just, it's terrifying to be with someone when you just don't know what you're gonna get that day. And that can very much so accelerate into something much, much worse. If he is not has, if he doesn't have some level of emotional regulation, he could be not only emotionally abusive, but even physically abusive because he doesn't have control over his emotional state to any degree. If you're getting that mad about a ketchup packet, dear God help us. Right, Right.

Yeah, it's funny, we just, just had, trying to give. This was last week. A client was telling a story about it. She went on a road trip. She's been dating this guy's like a third or fourth date. They went on a little road trip to a certain restaurant. I think it was like a margarita place they wanted to visit. And she was saying how. What's that? Sounds fun.

Margarita places, great date, right? Yeah.

So fantastic. And they're, they're driving, she said, I just kept noticing like when people would do things like he was gritting his teeth and he's like gripping the steering wheel really hard. He's like, I just didn't understand what was going on. And then we got into a silly fight about nothing. And it's like, these are. Okay, you know, it's. We always have to be careful about over diagnosing or, you know, taking small signs and extrapolating way too far with these things. But these are all data, right? Not to sound nerdy about it, but it's all data that you have to just kind of like, okay, there's another sign, there's another sign, there's another sign. It's just something to be on the lookout for. And one of the, one of the big ones that sometimes people don't notice is this guy who's like the gripping grin guy, super charismatic, amazing. Then another minute just like super sad and down on himself. Right? It's just like that volatility can be a bad sign too. And so, you know, I think with all these things about the emotionally broken guy, we have a little warning with each of them in terms of sometimes these things that are bad signs can seem good. And so the careful piece with this is sometimes this guy's volatility can be exciting. Sometimes when you don't know what you're going to get, it creates this little bit of mystery like, oh, is he going to be happy fun guy tonight or is he going to be miserable annoying guy tonight? Like, I don't know. And it just kind of adds this element of excitement that's completely artificial. Not the kind of excitement you really want to.

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Yeah.

And if you think about the opposite of emotionally volatile, volatile, that is extremely. Let's just go to the opposite spectrum, extremely emotionally stable. Think about that. That can actually be quite boring to be with someone who. It doesn't have crazy volatility all the time. In fact, they're kind of the same person every single time. That is like the opposite of attractive. So obviously we want to find a healthy balance of someone who can, you know, grow with their emotions and be excited while also being able to maintain control. But I totally agree. There's so, so many clients that I've seen over the years who get just enthralled by guys who just. The swings are so heavy and by not knowing what you're going to get, it can actually be a little hot. And that can be scary because if that's happening now, what is that going to turn into? Yeah. Which really, I think leads us well into the second red flag is that the. Just the general relationship just feels very chaotic. Like he can be really inconsistent and kind of hard to pin down and, you know, not on time. Maybe he's. He doesn't show up on time, he doesn't fall through on what he's going to say he's going to do or just be just completely disheveled or even questionable hygiene. He's like inconsistent at taking care of himself in general. He's the type of guy who's always super busy, lots going on, but you know, with a constant sense of energy and activity. Right, Gary?

Yeah. And I think, you know, what's interesting about these kind of guys is they're so. There's just a ball of kinetic energy and there's all this stuff going on around them. And so. Yeah. Babe. Sorry, I'm running late. Sorry. I had this thing and I had this thing and I had this thing and I had this call and I had this overseas thing and it can be very. Talking about exciting. That sounds very exciting. It sounds like someone who's very accomplished. It sounds like somebody who's super important. They're high powered, they're busy. And a lot of those things are extremely attractive.

Right.

You have to ask yourself, why is he doing this?

Why.

Why is he so busy? What's he trying, you know, when people are too busy, what are they trying not to feel? What are they trying to avoid? What are they blocking out? And again, in and of itself, I'm not saying every high powered, busy guy is emotionally broken. But again, data points, data points, data points.

Yeah. You know, I know we didn't have this in our notes, but I'm gonna throw this in there because it's pretty topical. I was. Have you seen the documentary on Netflix about Martha Stewart by any Chance?

Not yet.

It's pretty fascinating because Martha Stewart was like, a little bit before my time. I mean, like, growing up and, you know, I was pretty young when she. She kind of hit it big.

But.

But she is the prime example of what it is that we're talking about, because she was the type of person who really struggled sharing her emotions in any way and just put her head down at all times. And it's just work, work, work, go, go, go. And as I'm watching this, it kind of blew my mind because I always thought of Martha Stewart as this, like, really caring, wonderful person who takes care of the home, but she really struggles with emotional disconnect. And all she would do was just fill her time with perfection with everything she did. And she was just doing everything possible to not feel feelings, you know?

Yeah. And that's part of being emotionally broken. Right. It's like you're trying to create all that distance. You're trying to not be too vulnerable. You're not trying. You're trying to avoid opening up so you don't get hurt. It's very similar to avoidant attachment, which we've talked about a lot on this podcast. But, you know, it's. It's an avoidance strategy by, by being so busy, you're. You're not doing some of the things that you really need to do to have a relationship thrive, which is important. I also think, you know, one of the things that happens with these guys that are super busy, that are blocking everything out, they also have the. A little bit of the third red flag, which is this lone wolf syndrome. And so the lone wolf guy is hyper independent. And in many ways this feels good because he's super competent, he's super capable, he's. He can do pretty much anything. He has all this stuff. If there's a problem around the house, he fixes it. He knows how to do everything right. There's no problem he can't solve. Like, he's just the constant do everything fixer kind of guy. Which sounds amazing, right? And actually, I just had a client the other. The other night, this was last Tuesday, asking specifically, like, is it too much to ask to have a guy who will do all these things? It's like, no, it's not. It's not too much to ask. But like everything else in life, that good stuff comes with potential problems too. Right. And so this guy who's the lone wolf, who's super independent, can do everything. He may not feel like he needs other people around. He may be really good at Being cold, distant, isolated, going it alone. I don't need your help. I don't need you in my life. I can do everything on my own. He likes spending time alone, likes being alone, which is complicated for a relationship. Right. All that alone time makes relationships hard. He might have a hard time dealing with other people. And so this. You have to be careful sometimes. It's like a be careful what you wish for. Those super, take charge of everything, do everything on their own kind of guy. They're pretty okay being alone, and so that's tough.

Is this why I'm so useless around the house? Like, we just. I'm so. I can't fix anything. Like, my wife does all that.

Like, I'm so.

Because I was just spending all my time socializing. All right. That gives. That gives me an out. Thank God. Thank God.

The opposite of a lone wolf.

Yeah, exactly. I was the most proud. I've been all, like, year. Fixing my house is. I bought some lubricant for my door that is, like, squeaky. All I had to do is do a little bit of lubricant. I'm like, it worked, honey. She's like, adam, that's not impressive. It's just not impressive.

You sprayed some WD40 on a hinge is what I heard.

No, no, no. I found even something better on Amazon. All right. Had very high reviews. I was very proud of myself, let me tell you.

So you're less of a lone wolf and more of just like a house cat? Is that what we're saying?

I'm just useless. I am useless around the house. Oh, my gosh. Well, I think let's move on to the fourth, shall we, Gary, and change this horrific topic. I'm starting to sweat thinking about this. The fourth one is he just tends to be a little bit too strong and a little bit too silent. Like he doesn't want to be able to open up. He's the type of person who's just constantly suppressing his emotion. He is what many of our clients would say. He's emotionally unavailable. It feels like he's very closed off. It feels like he struggles with any type of communication in the relationship. Everything's good. Everything's good. He might be the person that is just staring off to off into space at all given times. He's just that space cadet, you know? And anytime you want to talk to him about something real, he gives these really almost hollow responses. Gary, I've been with women who are like this. It's really. It's tricky. And I'm Sure.

I mean we're definitely, we're picking on men today. It's definitely a human thing. You know, like some people are just more talkative than others. And I think the really tricky with one with this is like, I think everybody understands the too silent piece. But that last part you were talk just mentioned is really important. They share, but they share very superficially. They may talk a lot, but they'll talk a lot about their job, their day to day experience, you know, what they just saw in their commute, like this everyday chit chat kinds of things where there's a lot of communication, but it's not necessarily meaningful communication. And I think, you know, the point of caution with these kinds of guys is you want to be careful not to just say, oh, typical guy. Just fits that stereotype. All guys are like this. All guys just don't have a lot to say and don't carry on deep conversations or what we see. I've seen with a lot of our clients is yeah, he doesn't talk. I can bring him out of his shell, I can fix him. I'm the savior. I can, I'm pretty good at this. I can help him in a way that no one's been able to help him before. And yeah, no, you're not a rehabilitation center for broken men. Right. It's like you said that before, like, don't do it. You're not that thing.

Yeah, Gary, I don't know. Have you ever just been so direct in those moments when a client is talking about like, oh, you know, I've been dating this guy, I'm trying to get him to open up and I'm trying to do this and you're just like, you can't do it. Yep, good luck. It's not happening. It's not happening. Either accept and move forward or move on. Yeah, you know, like you have to really accept and like, and, and I feel like we just attract a certain type of client who just loves to rehabilitate. Rehabilitate these men, they just love to do it.

Well, I think what it is, is so many of our clients are successful in so many areas of their life. And successful people are, are accustomed to winning. And so it's like, and they like challenges, they'll seek out challenges. It's because they're accustomed, they're optimistic, they're accustomed to winning. So this guy who's strong and silent and superficial and all these things like, okay, I have identified the problem, I know how to fix it and I can do it. Except you can't yeah, Right. And it's like you said, I. My go to is to remind people that these men have a decade or more, decades, plural, head start on you in terms of their approach to communication and their approach to sharing. And so if you're hoping to unravel decades of a head start in this department over the next five dates, good luck. Yeah, good luck.

Good luck.

Not happy.

And I've had clients who, unfortunately, have tried to move forward with that, not heeding our advice. And it can waste as much as six months a year. Many years can waste a decade of your life trying to work on a project with this guy when fortunately, if we. Unfortunately, if we just walked away and just held our standards for what we really need in a relationship, which is someone who can emotionally connect with us, you know, that decade could have been much, much different. It's hard. It can be really hard.

One thing I try to remind clients of all the time is life gets a lot easier when you just try to walk through open doors instead of trying to constantly beat down, like, pry open the door, like, I'm gonna get in there. I'm really gonna. No, no, just look for the open doors. They're there. It's easier. And. And it doesn't seem like the same kind of challenge and, you know, but that's a better way to go when it comes to relationships. Don't spend six months trying to fix a guy who's been broken for 20 years like that.

That's hard. I think that's true for any relationship you have in life. Either it's professional, platonic. I spent a lot of time in my life. I don't know if you've gone through this. Certainly my 20s and part of my 30s of just trying to work on people, trying to fix them and try to fix the relationship. And it's probably been the last five years where I've just made drastic cuts in my life. I'm pretty ruthless at this point of ruthlessly accepting people for who they are and then making a decision of whether or not they earn a spot in my life. And once you do that, it's, you know, you kind of look at it pretty binary. It's like, this is who they are. I have enough data about this person. This is how they're showing up. Do they deserve a spot or not? And sometimes it's just a no, and you got to stick to the decision as hard as it might be.

Right.

The only scenario where that doesn't apply for me personally is with family. That's not somewhere I'll make a hard cut, but if it's platonic friendship, an old friend that I've known for 30 years, but he just drains my energy every time around him. Nah, worth it.

Well, I'll say. You know, as much as that might sound ruthless, it's completely backed up by research in the sense that we know it's not the number of friends you have, it's the quality of friends. So a few high quality friends is much better than having 50 kind of like, okay, mediocre acquaintances.

Yeah.

So, you know, cut quality over quantity all day. Right? For sure.

Right. Well, this is a hard segue to the next one because it's not about friendship at all. But I would say the fifth red flag that he is emotionally broken is that the relationship tends to rely a lot on the sexual intimacy rather than the emotional intimacy. It's that relationship where it's all about the sex. This is where you have all of your connection. It's amazing. The sex is great, but outside of the bedroom, once again, there's nothing really there. And the challenges where you have to be really careful in this situation is sex, especially for women, can be such a bonding mechanism emotionally, but it can trick you into believing that there's something more there emotionally than there really is. So this is why we are very strong with. We call them the seven little love steps. Helping our clients go from single to a long lasting relationship. We have this little love step called number five, where we pace, we really slow down not only emotionally, but also sexually with a person before jumping into the bedroom. And this gives us enough time to see if there is emotional compatibility before sexual compatibility. Because once sex gets involved, it can really, once again, it just kind of tricks you into believing that there's something more there than there really is.

And I think it's important to realize like this is not one of those classic guys will be guys kind of thing. With the emotionally broken type of guy, it's. He's not good at the emotional intimacy part, but he wants to have a connection. And so what's the next best thing? And it's the sexual connection. And so it really comes out of a desire for connection, but it's just. That's not actually going to be the path that you want probably. Right. It's like that sexual connection isn't on the path to emotional connection connection. It's just that's. That's it. That's all he has to offer. And so don't mistake what he's offering with what you're hoping is going to lie on the other side of that experience.

And don't think that the good sex is gonna last forever. Not gonna be the same. Not to say sex can't be amazing for the rest of your life with a person, but it's not the same as it is in the first three months where you're sleeping together three times a day every date. I don't know, maybe. Maybe it is for you, Gary, but, you know, it's not. That's not how, you know, most romantic connections are. You know, in many ways, the first three to six months of being with a person during that honeymoon phase, it is very, you know, sexual. But what we see with our clients is that if you move forward with a guy where it's sex first, emotion second, what happens is six months to a year in, you kind of wake up one day and you're not doing that as often. And then you're like, who am I left with? Who. What is this? Like, who is this person? I don't even want to spend time with this human being. I'm not friends with this person. I don't feel anything from this person.

Where'd you go, dream killer? Like, that sounded terrible. That whole thing just sounded miserable.

Like, that's all I'm here for, man. That's all I'm here for.

You know, joking aside, I. I think it is important just to realize with physical experiences, we as humans have habituate. Right? The first time you jump out of an airplane, thrilling. The second through 10th time, 30th time, still through. But there becomes a point, like the instructor who's up there, skydiving is like, okay, yep. Jumping out of a plane today, like, ho, hum, who cares, right? And it's physical things. We just get used to emotional things. It's not the same. Right. You don't adapt in the same way. And so that's why you want long term love, emotional intimacy over physical intimacy.

So skydiving is similar to sex? Is that what you're telling?

You're doing it right?

Nice. Bam. All right, Gary, lead us off with the final one then with that.

All right. The last red flag for an emotionally broken guy is this drastic sense of responsibility. Now you can go both ways. And so because he generally feels a little bit shaky, an emotionally broken guy will feel like he can't bear any more blame or responsibility. Everything's hard, everything's difficult. You just can't take on anymore. And so when things come up, it's constantly blaming others, externalizing. That's not on me. There was nothing I could do. What was I supposed to do about this? Like, that's just not my responsibility. Or just blaming others. Like, everything would have been fine. I did my part. It was Bob who screwed this up. If it wasn't for, you know, Steve, I wouldn't be in this mess. It's like, really, like, that's just. Generally, that's unattractive. Right. And so women will kind of figure that part out, but it's the making excuses and just kind of like these sob stories about, like, you know, everything was gonna be fine. I just had all this bad luck. The boss is out to get me. I just. Life is. You know, I just. I've always had the worst possible outcomes. And it can just start to sound really sad, which can, you know, careful. Can activate your savior complex here. One other. It goes the other way, too. I said a drastic sense. So it vacillates between the other side, which is taking responsibility for everything, where it's. This is on me. I got this. This is all my fault. I brought this on myself. This is completely my fault. I will fix it. I will do everything. And it's like, that's hard to sustain as well.

So it's the extremes in any of these situations.

Yeah. Just kind of seeing everything as your fault or nothing as your fault. And it's like, you know, everything in life there. There's a happy medium to all of this. And, you know, we. I. I do think generally, we would suggest for most people and what's most attractive for guys is take responsibility, even if it's not necessarily your fault, they take some responsibility, but don't overdo it. Don't, like, become this, like, martyr who's, like, just throwing themselves in there. Yup. It's all on me. I've got it all. I'm taking it all because that. It's only so long. You can be the lightning rod for all the problems going on before you finally get fried.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's. I do a lot of thinking about emotions in general because obviously, we're in the business of emotion in many ways. And there's some philosophers and thinkers out there that label emotions as bad, and you want to be as stoic as possible. And then others, there are certainly plenty of, like, love and dating coaches who are like, just go with all of your feelings. Everything you're feeling, Just go. And just trust everything. And I think one thing that, like, I try to do is bring some logic along with the emotion, because you don't want to not feel feelings. Like, that's. That's what makes us human. That's beautiful. It's wonderful. But also realizing that when the emotions are not serving us, being able to cut them off. And so I think if everything we talked about, you know, whether it's you're kind of analyzing yourself as we're going through this or you're analyzing guys, it's being able to look at where do they fall on the spectrum of being able to just manage their emotions, be able to lean into the ones that are serving them, and being able to disregard or push down or push away the ones that are not serving them. And I know that might be a little bit controversial, talking about pushing down emotions, but I think in life, sometimes you just have to do that and step up to the plate and just bring some logic to the situation. Right. We can't live our lives fully emotional. We can't live our lives, our lives emotionless.

I think what's really important about that is you can't figure that out on the first date. Figure that out about a guy from his online dating profile. No. And so what we suggest to our clients all the time is don't rush the judgment. Don't rush the judgment based on online profiles. There's just not enough there to really get people figured out. You have to meet people. And so, you know, with everything we're talking about, we're giving you, you know, red flags for emotionally broken guy. And I get it, you don't want to rush to judge. You don't want to diagnose too quickly. So make sure as you're doing this, you're responsible about it in the sense that give it some time. Right. You're not going to figure this out right away. You have to be a little bit disciplined and patient with this. Several dates, have experiences where things don't go well, you know, have an experience where you don't. Where you guys get stuck in traffic or you have travel problems or a crappy waiter at a restaurant. Like, let's see how those things go. Let's see how the disagreements between us transpire. Let's see how he reacts when we put up boundaries. Too often people try to avoid all these problems, but these problems are opportunities. These little issues are a chance to see how he reacts. And so when you extend the timeline, you're going to get a better sense of, did you just have a bad day? Or is there something more to this? And that's really important.

Yeah. As you were talking, it reminded me of a client recently who she's now in an incredible relationship with an incredible guy. She's been talking about him a lot. And I'm so excited for her. Like, I always am when I hear that. But sometimes I have to be a little bit of a buzzkill because she's going on a vacation with him. They've been together for, I don't know exactly, let's say three months. I think it's around that amount of time. And they've never been in a fight. They've never had conflict. And she was kind of bragging about that. She's like, oh, we just never fight.

Just we so perfect.

We're so align. And so what I told her is on this vacation, have some conflict, disagree with him on something, see what he does. Because it's coming. It's coming at some point. And we want to see how he. How you respond with him in a healthy way with communication. Everything you've been learning with us, as well as how does he respond to you? And she didn't like that advice, but we'll see. I don't know. I actually haven't heard from her since, so.

Yeah, how you can't avoid having conflict. You go on a vacation with somebody, there's just going to be a difference of opinion about something. So it's inevitable. But. So I would like to wrap up today's episode with. You know, we gave six ways to identify an emotionally broken guy. Now, there's people listening to this, there's women listening to this that might be currently with an emotionally broken guy or dating somebody who's emotionally broken. So I want to give five quick and easy ways to deal with this and how to process this realization that maybe this guy is emotionally broken. And so the first thing is don't make excuses. Don't say to yourself or convince yourselves he's successful so he can't be broken. Or. I actually had a client say this. He's the father of daughters, so he can't be broken because he's got daughters. He's too nice to be bro. Those things don't necessarily go together. The second thing to deal with this is just be more curious. Try to find out sooner. And it goes very much to this. Don't avoid conflict, don't avoid disagreements. Don't avoid sharing boundaries. You have to prioritize clarity over continuity. Right? Sometimes people prioritize like, I'm just going to keep this thing going as long as I possibly can. That's not the goal. You want to be as clear as you possibly can about who this person is that you're dealing with. So finding out if he's emotionally broken, now, that's important. Not keeping the relationship going for six months and then hoping to find out later. The third thing to do is don't let chemistry convince you to overlook issues. So sometimes, like, some of these emotionally broken signs can be exciting, right? We talked about the physical intimacy. All that could be really some really powerful stuff. Constantly prioritize something you've heard us say on this podcast many times. What's going to matter to your relationship in five years, Right? Don't let the chemistry override things. Number four, avoid chalking all this broken behavior up to a boys will be boys mentality. Not all guys are like this. We're talking about some guys we're not trying to paint a picture of. All men are emotionally broken. Absolutely. Some are. Most are not. And so make sure you're not being too tolerant by just saying, like, I don't know, all guys are like this. So if it's not this guy, the other guy's going to be like this too. Um, and last but not least, a lot of times guys who are emotionally broken are going to have some realization about it and they're going to want to fix it. What is his plan? So not just him just saying he wants to fix it isn't enough? What's his plan? Is he taking ownership? Does he have specific, clear steps? Is he talking to someone professionally? Not just words. What are his actual actions in terms of making this all better?

So, yeah. So with all of that said, just remember, if you are with a guy like this and you've been struggling with these types of guys, just remember, you're not a therapist. It's not your job to fix these men. It's your job to find someone who is on your level emotionally and meets your love vision. So hold those standards high. And hopefully this gave you some insights to be disciplined when you do. If you do find this type of person so you can move on and open your heart to the right one. Thanks, Gary.

I appreciate it.

That was great.

Yep. Thanks, Adam.

So now you've reached the end of the podcast. Thank you so much for being here. And because you have proven that you are serious about attracting love, you wouldn't be listening to this podcast if you didn't feel that way. What I'd love for you to do is go to loveapply.com where you can apply for a complimentary love strategy session where a professional love strategist on my team is going to speak with you directly and be able to see whether or not our executive love coaching programs can be transformational for you and your love life. There's absolutely no fee whatsoever. All you got to do is head on over to loveapply.com schedule that session, and you could be speaking with someone on my team over the next couple days. All right, thanks so much. Talk to you soon. Bye. Bye.