7 Brutally Honest Lessons about Dating

All right, ladies, in today's podcast, we are going to be talking about seven brutally honest lessons about dating. Now, this kind of came up because, Gary, we have an event coming up this weekend and we're talking about different parts of the event. And I was like, I think we should have a part of the event where we just get brutal, like a good tough love moment. Because we know for a fact we have some clients who for whatever reason, they just want the super tough love. That's not everyone, not some people want it very gentle and very kind. And we are as a company, that is how we approach things. Gary, we've seen this on masterminds and with our coaching clients or one on one sessions. Some clients are just like, give it to me. Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of love strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy.

Yeah, I straight super into it and I think it, you know, part of it is the kind of clients we draw. Like they're successful, like they're, they're into personal growth and they're, they're motivated to like, do better. And sometimes a lot of times, honestly to do better, you need some direct feedback. And so, you know, we did a previous pod where we did a little tough love kind of thing and super popular sue, one of one of our most popular podcasts. On a recent mastermind with our clients, I did a little tough love session and, and they wouldn't stop talking about it for a week. It became like the talk of all the clients there. It was just this phenomenon. And so by popular demand, really, that's why we're gonna do it at our live event is just an hour session of like these brutally honest lessons about dating and, and life to some extent.

Yeah, it's really interesting. Before those types of sessions, I sometimes have to just get myself into that headspace of like, deep frustration and annoyance with the things that I see and the things that I hear. Because you and I think naturally come into all this with like a very positive, like, you can do it mindset and with just like a very caring approach with everyone and very Soft. You know, we work with. Work with women, a lot of women who have low confidence. And, you know, when I worked with men, I was brutal because I felt like I could be that way. Just very direct. Especially I've walked a mile in their shoes. So I kind of understand it more. But, yeah, with the tough love with. With our female. With our women clients, like, it's one of those things. You just have to get into mode. Yeah.

And I. I do think that this is exactly why they want to work with us. Right. They're frustrated with where they're at. They're confused. They're recognizing that they're not making progress. They kind of hate the current state of their love life. And we're there to push. And I say this to clients all the time. I'm pushy. I'm really pushy, but in a nice way. And you always have to have two things. You want to have someone pushing you, pushing you because they believe in you, and support. And so when you combined a little bit of push and a whole bunch of support, that's the magic formula to grow and change. Because the thing is, like, growth and change require tension. Like, you have to want something. You're not quite there, and you need a little bit of not, you know, that's okay. It'll be fine. And just, you don't need to appeasement in those moments. You need like, a little bit of, like, yeah, yeah, you're not there yet. You're not there. It's going to take some work. It's going to be a little difficult. Like, that's honest. That creates tension. But we're going to be there for you. We're there to help. We're here to make it easier. It's not going to be easy, but we're going to make it easier. And. And like, that is the right amount of tension to produce change. Without it, you're just gonna be complacent and you're gonna be stuck. And, you know, if that worked for you, that would've worked already. And it just, you know, obviously doesn't work well.

I think that's really what differentiates love strategies compared to any other love coaching company out there. And why we've truly become the largest executive love coaching company in the world at this point. I can say that very confidently. The reason for that is cause we have such a diverse group of coaches, and like, I'll be on a mastermind and I'll be really tough with them, and then I'll know that they may book a One on one coaching session with, like, coach Robin, for example, who will then be super soft and be like, oh, that Adam guy, he can be really tough on you. I'm here to support you. And then sometimes I'll be on a coaching session. I'm sure you've experienced this, where they'll be like, I just talked to Claire and she was really tough on me. And you're like, oh, it's okay. I'm here for it. So it's creating that tension a little bit. You know, you kind of push, then you pad. You push, then you pad. It's really, really effective because if everyone on the coaching team were just like, you need to do more. Go, go, go. I don't think it would work very well because people are like, screw these people. They kind of suck. You know, it's a little too tough.

Yeah. What I like is what clients say things like, you know, they'll say, you and Adam. What I really like is you guys are like that protective older brother. Like, you have that energy where you want what's best for us. But, like, older brothers can be kind of annoying, too, and they kind of make you do things you don't always want to do. I'm like, yeah, like, I. I can get behind that. Like, you know. You know, an older brother is going to tell you how it is, but they're going to be fiercely protective of you as well. And it's like, I had never thought of it that way, but. But, yeah, I think that fits to me. I think of it just as, like, I've coached my whole life. Right. I coached my daughter's sports, teaching, parenting, love, coaching, all this. It's all kind of the same in the sense that because I believe in the people I'm there to help, I push them. I push them because I believe in them. And I push them with a ton of support along the way because I want to see them succeed. Because that is the. The best feeling there is. Right?

Yeah. You're like the older, older brother. I'm the slightly younger brother. You're. You're the annoying older, older brother. Okay, Gary, I'm just kidding. I'm. I'm.

That hurts. That hurts.

I'm definitely by far the most annoying. I feel like.

I agree. We should do.

We should do a poll, like, once a. Like, what. What do they do in, like, high school where they have those different categories.

Yeah, like the superlatives.

Yeah, we should do superlatives for the coaches. That'd be really funny.

Most. Most likely to be annoying.

Adam most likely be annoying. I would a hundred percent get that all the time. You'd be, like, the most caring and succinct with your advice. Mine's like, the most rambling. Oh, my gosh, I love it. All right, let's get into the seven harsh truths that you need to hear. I'm gonna do the first one because this is something I see a lot on the interwebs, and it's getting to be really, really annoying. And it's all about good morning and good night texts being so important in a relationship. Here's the harsh reality. A good morning text isn't that special, right? This is easy. It's so easy to send someone a good morning text. I can literally do it in 30 seconds. 20 seconds, right? Stop giving guys so much credit for doing the basic things. In fact, any general, vague text, even if it's positive, it's not special. Like, he could be sending that to 15 women. What we want to be actually judging guys on are their actions, how the things that require effort and thought. Is he. Did he hear you mention that you really like a certain country singer? And then he went out of his way to research that country singer, found out that he's coming to town, bought you tickets, and took you there in surprise. Okay, that's special. A good morning text ain't very special. There we go.

All right, Adam, I gotta be brutally honest with you. If it takes you 20 seconds to send a good morning text, how are you texting? Are you texting with your toes? Like, what? Like, why is it taking you so long?

Oh, it's taking me so long.

Yeah, 20 seconds. I mean, like, we're talking, like, it's like a four second deal.

I text with my index finger. I'm just like, okay, five seconds. Thanks, Gary. Take us to the next hardship, older big brother.

So, number two, you are procrastinating because you're scared. And so, you know, you're thinking, like, procrastinating. Like, that's what I used to do on, like, a college paper. But, like, we procrastinate in our love life as well, right? You're making excuses. You're creating barriers. You're enforcing rules on yourself. Like, I only date guys who are this, this, this, and this. You have unrealistic expectations. Maybe you're being way too picky with who you're willing to date, really, as a way to avoid rejection. And being picky is really just putting off the inevitable of starting a relationship. So that's what I mean by procrastination. Maybe you're procrastinating by using dating app messaging or you're texting too much and not really pushing to meet somebody in person, which is what you actually need to do. And so if the thing you need to do is meet people in person and you're procrastinating and putting that off, like, the reason is because you're probably scared of something. And that's important to realize because we're really clever. We can intellectualize a lot of things and come up with like, there are no guys where I live and there's nobody that does this. And like, there's just a thousand possible obstacles you can find. But what I've really started to realize is when clients say anything along, along the lines of I can't really, what it means is I'm scared. And so getting at the heart of what you're really scared of, and it's usually being alone, being rejected, feeling awkward. We have, the brutal, honest part is we have to get to that piece and stop making excuses for why we're delaying finding a relationship, which is what we say we want.

Right. Are you ready to dive deep into the male mind and understand why it is we do what we actually do? Well, if so, I have a free training that's going to really help you understand men. Get out there and attract a high value guy that meets your needs. If you're ready for that, head on over to the, the lovesteps.com we have a virtual training there. It's going to walk you through this exact process that's worked for over 10,000 women worldwide. Again, head on over to TheLovesSteps.com and yeah, check it out. We'll get back to the podcast now. I mean, I've seen it time and time again. We've had clients who in their first week will come to every single coaching session. They'll come and take the entire course from front to finish and then they'll come on and say, we're going, well, I don't have time for dating. And you're like, you just spent 10 hours this week on doing all of this stuff. You got plenty of time. Do you have an extra two hours? Do you have two, two hours to actually put this into pro, into action and actually go make it happen? And so now I don't even listen to people when they say I don't have time because everybody has time. It's just a matter of priorities. It's just a matter of I'm scared to actually do this or I don't have emotional energy right now. A lot of people say, oh, I don't want to waste my time with him. That's. I'm scared to get hurt by him. So it does. It all comes down to fear. It really does. Procrastination, when it comes to your love life is almost always due to fear.

Right? And I think another classic procrastination is there's this form of. And it sounds super responsible, which is, I'm really going to do this when I'm ready, and I'm going to be ready when work slows down. Something with my family life changes. Somebody recently just said, you know, I'm really. I'm really not ready right now. I'm going to really lean into this once the summer hits. And I said, no, no, start tomorrow. Like, you have to get started tomorrow because you're just, again, you're procrastinating and putting this off. Why not get started now? Right? That is the key. The most important step in any journey is the first step. Get started and stop putting things off.

Definitely the next one is something that I personally dealt with a lot in my early 20s. And so I can relate to this. So for those of you who are struggling with this, I've been there. And that is you might care more about validation and attention than you do a connection. A lot of people when it comes to dating, they get these dopamine hits of chatting with someone. You get compliments from people. You go on a date. It's super fun, it's appealing. You're getting attention from all of these people, especially once you start learning all the strategies that we teach and all these ways of meeting new people. And in many ways, it becomes a focus on that. Those dopamine hits. Bam, bam, bam, bam. Oh, my God. And you have to gut check yourself at a certain point and say, do you really want to find your person or do you really just like how much guys like you? You just really like the validation. Like, the goal of all of this stuff isn't to be good at dating. It's to be. Is to learn these skills so that you're great in a relationship. So this isn't about trying to collect connections or even friends. Dating isn't networking. I want you to date in a way that causes you to quit dating. That's the whole goal of this thing. My goal is for those of you who are following the little love steps, our goal is to get you to little love step number seven. Like, that's. That's where you're in a healthy, committed Long lasting relationship. Now, is there still more work to be done? Do we still coach people in relationships? Of course we do. But the goal ultimately is not to just stay in little love. Step three, meeting all these guys every single weekend just to get those dopamine hits, right?

Yeah. I mean, as much as I love the little love steps and our clients do, too. I tell them all the time. Our goal is to get you into our Relationship Synergy program. We have a whole entire program. Weeks and weeks of content. Everything you should have learned about relationships your whole entire life and never had a chance to. From what is love. Bonds, balance, communication, everything you would ever want to know about how to have a healthy relationship. Our goal is to get you into that part of our program as soon as possible. Right. Because we're not just about getting people together. It's about keeping people together. And so the dating phase is a phase. It's the long game, the long term fulfilling relationship. That's what we're really after. So let's get to that part and not. Not try to become amazing at going on dates all the time. Let's get through that part.

And just as a side note, it's all part of our dating program anyways. It's not like it's some big upsell that comes just for those of you who are thinking. We wrap that into everything we do because we think it's so important to date the same way you would be in a relationship. So just an FYI for those of you who are listening, like, oh, all we want to do is get into relationship Synergy. It's like, we want you to move forward in the program. In the same program.

Yeah. Because, like, how ridiculous is it that so many of these things out there, like, oh, you know, date, we'll get you a partner. And it's like. And then. And then what? Right? It's like if you don't actually know what you're doing once you're in a relationship and have all the skills to maintain and help that relationship thrive, guess what? You're going to be right back to zero in a couple months, back on the apps, trying to find somebody else, and you're just going to keep repeating that cycle. And so again, yeah, you're trying to get out of dating as soon as possible. So. What a. What a good one. All right, here's another harsh truth. I feel like I got this one.

This is. This is a good one. Are you sweating a little bit?

A little bit. A little bit. Okay.

Your body language just.

I just got Uncomfortable.

I got a little uncomfortable chair. He just, you know, moved a little bit. He's getting a little nervous.

Okay, okay, here it is. If you've had a string of bad relationships, it's you. You're the problem. All right? At least part of the problem. Or like, you can't deny the fact that if you keep having bad relationship after bad relationship, you are the common denominator. You are the one person who's been in every one of those relationships. Said another way without knowing it many times, you're complicit in these atrocious dating outcomes. You say you don't want. I don't want to. You say, I don't want to date a narcissist. I don't want to date a guy who cheats on me. I don't want to date a guy who doesn't talk to me, who doesn't like me, who doesn't respect me. And what I hear clients say all the time is some version of, why do I always attract the same kind of guy? Here is another harsh truth embedded in here. That is a ridiculous statement. You don't. You don't just attract one type of guy. You attract lots of different types of guys. You only pay attention to a certain kind. You're only paying attention to that certain kind of guy. Beyond that, it gets even worse in the sense that not only are you only paying attention and seeing the attention from those not so great guys, it's really only a problem if you tolerate it long term. And that's also where you're making mistakes, is you attract every type of guy. You kind of focus in on one type, and then as things don't go well, you kind of tolerate it and you put up with it, and it lingers on until it gets so darn bad you have to get out. That's you, right? Like, this is where it's super important if you want to change, right? We talked about that tension. Like, the tension is realizing that you are part of the problem. Stop blaming men. Stop blaming the world. Stop blaming the state of modern day dating or whatever, whatever is convenient to blame, and just take responsibility, because a lot of it is on you.

Just take ownership, right? If. If you're giving men all of the blame, you're giving them all the power, right? Every time you say, well, men are the problem, well, guess what? You can't change men. So now you're just totally helpless. You're hopeless at that point. What can you do if all men are these horrific creatures that are just out there to break your heart. And they're all narcissistic sociopaths. Well, I guess that means there's gonna be a single cat lady. Whereas if you just say, hey, I'm clearly the common denominator here. I'm ready to take ownership. I'm ready to change. That is the single most important characteristic of someone who's successful in their love life and in their life in general.

Yeah.

Is just taking radical ownership and not in a way that, like, that kills your confidence in a way that's actually empowering. Like, that is so empowering to just say, I get it. I'm the person who's choosing all these people. I'm not just attracting them because I'm manifesting or whatever, you know, stuff you want to throw out there. It's. I choose these guys. Clearly, I've been leaning in. I've been sticking with them for too long. I don't. Maybe I don't know what red flags to look for. Maybe I don't have the discipline to walk away. Maybe I just clearly have never seen what a healthy relationship looks like. Okay. All of that is helpful because now it's like, we could start working on it, you know? Yeah. And that's what we do. But you can't do it if someone's just like, the dating apps are broken. Dating apps don't work. All men just have shirtless pictures. Give me your phone. I've done this with clients. I've done this with clients at events. I'm like, give me your phone. Let's pull up the apps, and I'll just start swiping. And I'm like, no, no, this is a good guy. This is a good guy. Wait. Holy crap. The moment you pull up my phone, suddenly all the great men appear. It's like, no, no.

It's just because it's so funny, because I don't think we ever had this conversation that you do that, because I did the. Our last live event. It was, like, back a couple months ago, Someone came out, and then we were talking, and they're like, I'm looking at these. I was like, do you mind if I look?

Yeah.

And it's like, within three swipes. I was like, what about this guy? Oh, no. Well, look at his picture. I'm like, I don't. Who care. But, like, look. No, really look. Like, totally, totally fine. This guy was amazing.

And I think, you know, science experiment where they have to just, like, have their eyes open, like, with those little things, and we just swipe for them and Swipe, you know, write on a bunch of guys and just make them feel the feels, I don't know.

Well, and just kind of realize that, you know, some of it is there are good guys, fantastic guys that are paying attention to you, and maybe you're just not noticing that they're paying attention to you. And I think, you know, to your point, like, radical ownership is really the key. And that actually brings us to the fifth harsh truth, which is also an ownership thing, which is realizing that your relationship happiness is your fault. It's entirely up to you. And so this is good and bad in the sense that if your expectations are too high, the world's greatest guy is still going to fall short. That's on you, right? So you could, you could be with a guy who's ostensibly to everyone else in the world, a 9 out of 10amazing dude. But if you're requiring and you have expectations where the guy for me needs to be a 9.9, a guy who's of amazing, you're going to be like, no, not good enough. No, not good enough. Not good enough. And you're going to be miserable. It goes the other way too, unfortunately, where if your expectations are too low, you're going to be happy. With a guy who's not great, chances are you've had that experience. And so the key is not overcorrecting to just start getting rid of every possible guy. And so it's about balance, it's about calibration. And some of that is, you know, possible when you have other people to reality test with, check in with other people. But it's, it's really realizing that dating reality and the reality of the people who are out there isn't nearly as important as your perception of what's out there. And wherever your expectations are, that's going to ultimately determine your happiness.

Yeah, I mean, I think I. We talked about this in a previous pod, I believe, but how in modern days we expect our partner to be everything. The best lover, the best conversationalist, the kindest and sweetest person that we've ever known, as well as the most, for you women out there, the most masculine and dominant guys, as well as a great planner, as well as a great financial manager, as well as like a great family man. Like the best of the best of every part of your life. Also, on top of all that, he needs to be the funniest person you've ever met. Like, no one can meet every need that you have. No one. It's just not possible. No one's Going to be a 10 out of 10 on everything. So it's really important when we're in relationships to recognize that we find partners that fill a certain need for us. But you're still going to have other people in your life to fill other needs, you know, and that's. That's taking it from the angle of expectations are too high. But I. I just think we have. In modern days, we've skewed to this level where expectations are so, so high due to movies, due to YouTube videos, due to social media. And there was once a time you go back a hundred years, and I'm not saying this is the. The enlightenment period, but you go back 100 years and you're like, I find a man and we have kids, and he's the provider and I take care of the home. Not saying that that's the right way. I'm just saying the expectations were far too low back then. Let's find a healthy balance here, which is, let's find a person that we are excited to spend the rest of our life with, knowing that some parts of them are the best of the best, other parts of them will have extreme weaknesses. And we have to accept that as part of being a healthy relationship and being with just a human being. All of us are deeply flawed, and that's it.

I think this just made me think of a client just the other night was talking about this guy, saying how, you know. And she's like, I met this guy. He's amazing. We've been on, like three dates. He's this. And she's like, talking this guy up. Talking this guy up. And I'm just waiting for the but. And he finally came, and she was like, great, great, great, great, great. But I'm like. And she's like, I feel bad saying this. I'm like, it's okay. You're among friends. Like, what is it? He's a little out of shape. And I'm in shape. Like, okay, so today, on this day, this man is a little out of shape. Like, has he been, like, single for a while? Like, kind of by him?

Yeah.

You know, I was like, well, you know, guess what? He can get in shape. Like, this can change. And so, you know, if she let her expectations override her, frankly, common sense, she would have just stopped dating this guy. Because he just. There was one thing that he was, like, checking every box, but he was missing on this one thing. And it's like, overly high expectations could have ruined this. But then realizing, like, wait a second. Okay, so he's not quite there, but this is changeable. And what happens with a lot of guys when they fall in love and it's like, the relationship, it, like, kind of sets them straight on a lot of things, and so they feel better, and they feel like being more active, and like, that can. That can be really, really helpful. And so, you know, people are not a finished product. We're imperfect, but we're not finished products. And so for a lot of things, when. When people are falling short, let's also look to the future to see are they gonna change? Can this improve? And a lot of times it can.

When I met my wife, I was in probably the worst shape of my life. No, not the worst shape. I was pretty close to it. All right? I look at pictures back then. I'm like, what did she see? Well, hey, what was I eating, B. What did she see in me? And, you know, it's just one of those things. Now, if he's out of shape, he's also really temperamental. He also doesn't meet your love vision, all these things. Okay, let's take that into account. But the point with all of this, I think we're lingering on it probably. I'm probably lingering on too hard. But it's just so important is just to recognize that no human being out there is perfect. That ever. If you haven't seen the flaw yet, it's common. It's a common. So just recognize that. And that's what makes a relationship beautiful. Like, if you want perfection, go on, grok and go have a conversation. That's the new AI tool. And have a conversation with one of the AIs, and that'll get you perfection. But that misses the whole point of the beauty of love. Like, the beauty of love comes from the imperfection. It really does.

Yeah. And, you know, the brutal, honest truth is, like, that perfectionism stuff going back to something else we talked about is procrastination. It's really just procrastination. So another harsh truth. I like this one, too, because this is something people kind of get bogged down in. The harsh truth is winners focus on creating their future. Others get stuck in complaining about their past. The harsh truth is everyone has a past, everyone has a backstory, and everyone has challenges. Bad stuff that's happened to them, things that they didn't want to happen. Like everyone's. Everyone has this past. The difference is successful people use it as fuel to move on. People who get sidetracked kind of dwell on it and feel like, why did this have to happen to me. And I'm not saying anything that's happened in the past isn't terrible. It is, but we can't change the past, but we can make something out of our future. And so I very much get into, like, the stoicism side of things. And, you know, I don't know if you ever read the book the Obstacle is the Way. I love that book because it's like, it just resonates with my perspective on life, which is every setback has a lesson. There's a lesson that you are meant to learn in every setback. And the power, it's a superpower, is to see the opportunity in every setback and to use that to propel you to move forward.

I love that I have nothing to add. I think that's beautiful. Which I think segues very well into our final one, which is very important for those who are still suffering from heartbreak and still thinking about their past partner. And that is, you don't really miss your former partner. What you really miss is the idea of what you wanted to have with that person. Like, the actual relationship itself. If it were a great relationship, it would have last. It would have lasted. The reality is you're so focused on this idealized version of the future, of what it could have been, of all those thought experiments you had of you spending the rest of your life together, of you sitting in that rocking chair overlooking the lake and talking about your life as you kind of. As the sun sets together. Right? All of those memories, that's the part that all of those ideas are what you're really missing. But the reality is it never existed, and it was never going to. If it were possible, you would have seen it, and it would have happened. The reality is you're holding onto it because it's familiar. It's really familiar. So think of it this way. The good news is all of this is only scary when you go it alone. And then it's only intimidating at first. It really does get better throughout all of this. So it's really important to keep that idea in mind, because I think so many of us. I've heard stories from men and women who will get back together with their ex. And it's been a few years, and they've. The entire few years they were idealizing their partner and then get back together with them. They go on a first date, and they're like, oh, my God, what am I doing? I don't want to be with this person.

Yeah. And, you know, there's so much of relationships that you have to realize what's really happening in your mind and what's reality. And those two things are not the same. And this one is. Is such an important lesson, because I know breakups hurt, and I know it's hard to see, but if that relationship was really as wonderful as you think it was, it wouldn't have ended. And that's just. That's just the truth. And I do think, you know all these. You know, these brutal, harsh truths. There's one more that I think is just, like a global one that I think is really important. It's not necessarily about relationships per se, but of course it applies to relationships, which is if you're not changing it, you're choosing it. And so if there's something going on in your life or your relationship that you don't, like, start changing. Because if you're not willing to change it, then you're basically choosing it and saying, this is my life now. This is how it's going to be. And that, you know, we talk so much about empowerment and so much about, you know, taking charge and being kind of the captain of your ship, so to speak. Choose the better path. Like, start the process of changing. Because, you know, it's something I say to clients all the time. I say this to my students all the time. If not now, when? Like, what are you waiting for? Like, if not now, when? And there's really no other answer than, well, now's a reasonable time. Like, let's. Let's just do this now. Because if you're not changing it, you're choosing it.

Amen. And we're here for you every step of the way. Thank you, Gary. I appreciate it. That was a good one.

All right, thanks, Adam.

So now you've reached the end of the podcast. Thank you so much for being here. And because you have proven that you are serious about attracting love, you wouldn't be listening to this podcast if you didn't feel that way. What I'd love for you to do is go to loveapply.com where you can apply for a complimentary love strategy session where a professional love strategist on my team is going to speak with you directly and be able to see whether or not our executive love coaching programs can be transformational for you and your love life. There's absolutely no fee whatsoever. All you got to do is head on over to loveapply.com schedule that session, and you could be speaking with someone on my team over the next couple days. All right, thanks so much. Talk to you soon. Bye. Bye.