7 Harsh Truths about Why You're Still Single
14 Feb 2026 · 38 min
In this February 2026 episode of the Love Strategies podcast, host Adam Lodolce (professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies) and Dr. Gary Lewandowski (relationship scientist) deliver a candid, research‑informed coaching session aimed at successful women who have been single for six months or longer. After a brief intro that frames the show as “tough love” – the kind of feedback AI can’t give – they enumerate seven core reasons many women remain single and pair each with practical advice. 1. Self‑sabotage/avoidant attachment – listeners are often their own worst enemy, creating patterns of fear, avoidance, and self‑handicapping that keep good partners out. 2. Negative self‑narratives – repeatedly telling oneself “I’ll always be single” creates a self‑fulfilling prophecy and confirmation bias. 3. Using relationships to fix oneself – seeking a partner to fill perceived personal gaps attracts unsuitable, often “fix‑me” partners and perpetuates disappointment. 4. Loneliness and lack of community – dating to fill a void leads to neediness; building a supportive social network first reduces desperation and improves dating outcomes. 5. Being overly “nice” – the need to be liked by everyone – embracing a polarizing personality (splitting the room) is more attractive than trying to please everyone. 6. Sex drive and lack of discipline – impulsive sexual decisions create short‑lived chemistry that fizzles, underscoring the need for disciplined, emotionally‑connected intimacy. 7. Dating with the mind instead of attention – over‑analyzing profiles and predicting outcomes prevents real‑world testing; the hosts urge listeners to meet people, test hypotheses, and gather data. The episode also highlights a recurring theme of “approachability”: many women send unclear flirting signals, creating an invisible wall that deters men. The hosts cite a study suggesting women need roughly 29 subtle signals within ten minutes for a man to feel safe approaching. They stress flirting as a learnable skill and promote their exclusive Love Strategies community (loveapply.com) as a venue for coaching, community building, and the “seven little love steps” program. The tone oscillates between conversational, instructional, and occasionally humorous, with a supportive yet blunt sentiment throughout.
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Ladies, if you're single and you've been looking for love over the past six months or longer, I got a little bit of harsh truth for you. It's probably not bad luck. It's a pattern. And I get it. Like, you're single, you know it, your friends know it, your family knows about it, and they probably talk about it at family functions. But what isn't totally clear is why. So, Gary, we're going to be talking about the why so that all of these ladies can be set free and find that relationship that they truly deserve. How's that sound for you? Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else. Backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy.
It's great. And I think this is a question I'm sure you've asked yourself, right? Like, why, why am I still single? And the people in your life, they have opinions, they have lots of suggestions, helpful tips, strategies maybe, but none of it's really helping. And so what we're going to do today is we're going to help and in the most supportive way possible, we're going to give you a little bit of harsh truths, a little what our clients call tough love. And this is something that I don't know for you, Adam, but this is always a little tough for me, like the harsh side of this and the being tough side. But the feedback our clients always give us is like they always say, Gary Moore. More like, let's hear more of this. Kind of like slightly things I don't want to hear but need to hear.
And there I always get, like, less, Adam, you're being a jerk. Like, shut up. Last. Can we tone it down a little? No, I don't actually get that. But sometimes, sometimes. And I think that that is what, what works really well with what we do, Gary. And I think that's why we're going to be employed for a very long time because, you know, with AI and everything that's out there, you can ask chat GPT for a question like, how do I find love? And AI will be very nice and tell you how great you are. And all that stuff, but they're not going to give you the. The tough feedback, which is, hey, we need to change some stuff around here. You're not doing this right. We need to make some adjustments. And I feel like that's what we're here for, right, Gary?
Yeah. I don't know if you've ever gotten this, but clients will say, you're like the protective big brother I don't have. You're like the protective big brother that I've always needed. I'm like, yeah, like, you know, protective big brother with a PhD. I like that. Like, there's something to that. And I. I think it's something that people need in their life a little bit. It just someone, to be honest. I'm going to shoot them straights, as they say. And so, you know, today's your chance, everyone, to hear just a little bit, but more unpolished, a little bit more direct truthyness. That's going to be super helpful to get you out of these bad patterns.
And speak at a big brother. Gary, I. I feel like I'm more like your little brother, but I'm going to be your big brother energy right now. Because I don't usually read reviews of the podcast. Like, I very rarely do that, and 9.8 times out of 10, it's a five out of five. And I. And I do read those. Sometimes people send them to me, Gary. Sometimes you'll send them to me, and they're great. But recently we got one review, and it just kind of grinded my gear a little bit, and I'm not going to get into it. And if we want to talk about reasons why she's still single, I guess you got to just read the review. Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh here, but what bothered me about it is not only was she giving me up a little bit of crap, but she was also talking about you, and I didn't like that. And, yes. So I'm not going to send it to you, but all I'm going to ask is for those who are listening, who enjoy the pod, who enjoy listening, let's just kind of review her into oblivion. Give us the reviews that if you enjoy the pod, five out of five, we'll take it. If you hate the pod, if you, you know, feel free to, you know, you can leave a five out of five for whatever it is you don't like it. But look, we don't sell anything on this podcast. We don't run ads for a reason. We want to help all of you. And we know a certain select number of you are going to want to work with us with coaching, but we just ask that if you're getting value from this, let us know. We do love to hear it. I will be personally checking those reviews, and I would love, love to hear from all of you. So wherever you listen to it, just give us that review. We love to hear from you. It means a lot to us. So, Gary, should we get into these seven reasons why some. Maybe. Maybe we chose the wrong podcast to ask for good reviews. Gary.
Not the best strategic move. Not the best.
Not the best one. All right, now let's get into tough love. Now we got to be a little bit nicer.
All right, so I will get us started. I'll get us started. So we got seven reasons why you're still single. Number one, you are your own worst enemy. Classic self sabotage. Or, as you know what we say in psychology is self handicapping. These are just things, patterns, behaviors, values, approaches that you've been using that it's actually the reason why you're single. And so maybe it's that you're stubbornly insisting on dating your type. And if, I mean, that hasn't worked, so why would it work in the future? I don't know. But that's what you're doing. When any decent guy comes along, you can find one problem with them, and that's all it takes. And then. Nope. Well, I found one red flag. He's done. He's out of here. Maybe you're just not willing to put in the time, the effort. You know, as Adam, you've heard Adam say, I'm sure you can't find love from the couch. Like, you got to get out there. Like, you've got to do some things. You got to put yourself, you know, out there in places that you're not used to going. Maybe you're someone that finds a problem with every solution, right? It's like, well, online dating works for millions of people, but it's not going to work for me. And then you find one reason.
You know, I don't.
I don't like using things on my phone, whatever it happens to be. But the truth is, with all these things where you're making yourself your own worst enemy, you're scared. It's fear. It's that apprehension about the unknown that's holding you back. In many ways, these are all signs of avoidant attachment. Now, that's not to blame you. It's to empower you. Because if we know that you are doing Things that are self sabotaging. Well, now that the solution forward is obvious, like you have all the power in that situation to make the fix. And so, you know, when you're afraid of being abandoned, you're afraid of being alone, you're putting up walls, you're finding excuses and problems and just reasons why things won't work. Let's start recognizing that pattern because then we can break free of it.
Definitely. Fear plays such a role in all of this. And so often people will talk about their goals. I mean, we're coaches for a living. This is what we do. And they will intellectually know what their goal is. But once they get closer to that goal, there's a reflexive emotional response that says, no, don't get me closer to that goal. That is scary. If I get closer to that, oh my God, the worst thing that could happen is I'm, ooh, I'm successful and I find a relationship. And then what can happen at that point? Oh no, what if he doesn't want to be with me for the next couple of years and then start to get into this, all this negative selft talk that causes you to say, you know what, I don't even want to go down that road. I mean, Gary, I've worked with clients for six months who've done all the work. They followed the little love steps. They find an amazing guy and you've probably seen this as well. And right as that guy is leaning in, he's bringing her flowers, he tells her that he wants to spend the rest of her life, his life, with her. He, she starts to back away and she says, I don't know, I don't know. And then starts to go through your entire listicle there of all the thing that wrong with him. And Gary, what do we usually say at that point? What do we advise a client to do?
Stay still. That's, that's my number one thing, is like, stay still. Don't chase, don't run. Stay still. Like, yeah, this will subside, right? It's just a little natural cold feet and just lean into the consistency. Lean into what this guy is showing up, how he's showing up. And you know, honestly, go back to your love vision. Look at what you've said you've always wanted. This is it. What's, what's not to like in many ways, hold.
Stay still. You know, I always think of those like battle scenes in movies where like the battle, they're at the front of the line, they're like, hold. And you're like, hold as like the enemy is running towards you. I don't know, that's probably the wrong analogy for this particular situation.
Yes, yes. Harsh truth, Adam. I don't think the war analogies are really.
Okay, you're a little tough on me today. I don't know what to say, but just hold, right, and be present with that person and where you are right now. Once we start the, the quickest path to anxiety and fear is to think too far into the future about things you can't control. You know, if you want to live an anxious life, just keep thinking about what could happen in the next five years politically across the world.
You know, all right, that's enough, that's enough.
Too much, it's enough. No more giving you too much anxiety. But it's true in relationships. I mean, I've had that in many relationships where you're just thinking to yourself, oh my God, but what if, what if, what if? And it just creates this fear response that causes you to just sabotage it. Because why even go through that this, why go on this journey if that's one of the potential paths? But my message to all of you is if you continue on the same path you're on today, then guess what, you're going to wake up five years from now and be sitting in the same seat you're sitting in right now. So you got to take a little bit of risk in life to get the great rewards. Go for it. Even if you're fearful.
And this fear and anxiety thing is such a big deal. And that's actually, you know, why people will do harsh truth number two, which is you tell yourself that you're always going to be single. And now you tell yourself that because you're trying to tampen down some of the anxiety. It's like, you know, if I get out in front of this and just admit that I'm always going to be single or kind of put it out there, then it's not going to hurt as bad. And you don't actually want that, but you're just kind of saying it so that you don't have to feel any shame, so you don't look bad. But here's the big problem is that the stories you tell yourself start to become true. You know, as some people will say, you're manifesting the wrong outcome. Now, you know, I, I know you know, I, I am not too much into the manifesting in the woo woo and all that kind of stuff. But you know, psychologically, what I would say is you're setting yourself up for the exact wrong confirmation bias. Right. You're calibrating your expectations in all the wrong ways. And so the truth here is you need to stop telling yourself stories that you don't want to be true. Be honest. Live in that purposeful anxiety can be very helpful if it helps you find solutions. Be honest with yourself. Tell yourself, I do want to have a partner. I do want someone to share my life with. If that gives you a little bit of anxiety about the fact that you don't have that in your life yet, let's get to work, let's get busy. Let's be honest about what we want. Own your real story, Gary.
I was out with a group a couple years ago and it was just like a group of far off friends, like fringe friends. And one of the women, they, she found out what I do and everyone's in a circle. And you, you've kind of done this whole I've been there here, you've been there, you've been there. And of course it's like, Adam, how do you do this? Why are you as a guy talking about this to women? Yada yada yada, I don't need to get to that piece. But she's like, just so you know, I'm happier being single. And everyone kind of looks at me how I don't gonna respond. And I'm just like, no you're not. And everyone's like oh no. But I had a very important follow up point and that is you can be happy being single 100%. But if you're telling yourself you're happier being single, then suddenly you're sending yourself a message that why would you ever become unsingle? Like it's just a false statement where yeah, you can be happy either way. But if you're starting to say I'm happier in my current status, then again, what are you going to do? You're just going to keep on with the status quo. And I would still argue that as human, you know, and then I could, I don't think I got into this is a few years ago, but I do think that there is a solid argument that humans are designed for pair bond. A healthy monogamous relationship does make you more content. You can still be happy being single, you can be happy in a relationship, you can be unhappy in a relationship, you can be unhappy being single. But to, to, if you're telling yourself I'm better off right now being single, you are 100% handicapping yourself.
Yeah.
Because why would your brain look for any type of solution for something you're already super happy with at the moment.
Now all that is true. Is there some very small percentage of people who could potentially be authentically happy, er, being single? Yes. But I almost guarantee none of them are listening to this podcast.
No.
Right. Because why would you? And what for most people most of the time, just because something is possible doesn't mean it's likely. And so for most people, most of the time your life is going to be enhanced by having other people in it.
Right.
Just look at your best friends.
I gotta cut you off. I actually would still argue that that's not the case if they are with. If someone is in a great relationship with a supportive, loving partner who's always there for them. I'm talking 10 out of 10 relationship. I would argue that everyone on the planet is happier in a great relationship than happier being alone. And I know that's a big statement, but I really truly believe that. Now people might say that they are or believe it because they've never experienced that before. But like, I believe the cornerstone of life is family and relationships and love. And that's what we're designed to do. So. Yeah, actually, I don't buy that one. I gotta say.
Well, and I think those, the small percentage of people that think it's true will never give themselves the chance to disprove their own assumption. Right.
Of course that's what they're gonna do.
Right now, like you're, they're, they're kind of stuck. I think this also goes to the next reason why people stay single is they're trying to use relationships to fix themselves. Like they're looking for a partner, they're looking for someone to fix them. And this is just the, the, it's, it's a terrible approach relationships because when you're incomplete or broken, what happens is you attract the wrong kinds of partners. You attract partners who are. Find somebody incomplete or broken. Appealing. Those are not great guys. Like, why are those guys out there looking for people who don't have it all together? Well, I mean, maybe they are, maybe they are. Maybe they're going to stick around for a little bit. But you know, if they're sticking around for a little bit, it's mainly for the physical element. They're not looking to stay long term. Because here's the truth. Fixing you is not anyone else's job than yours. Here's the other harsh truth. The guys that you're looking to, to try to fix and fill in and make your life complete. Oh man, those men are Ill equipped. They're ill equipped. They're not going to be good at this. They are not going to be good at helping you find the stuff that you're missing. Right. The guys that would be good at helping you find the stuff that you're missing aren't looking for partners who have a bunch of stuff missing. Right.
I agree. That's why, you know, when we teach what we call the seven little love steps, the first step is very focused on solving what I consider be the number one problem. When you're single and don't want to be single is the problem of loneliness. Because if you're only dating because you're lonely and you want someone to fill that void, then I assure you, you will come off as extremely needy in that relationship. So now you ask, well, Adam, if I'm not in a relationship, how do I fix loneliness? Plenty of ways. You don't need romance to not be lonely. I mean, you can focus on your social life, building your community, your familial relationships, your professional relationships. Surround yourself with great people. Doesn't have to be romantically. And then suddenly, if you're not feeling so lonely all the time, then you're not going to be seeking someone to just fill this dark void. And when you finally get them, you're like, oh my God, I just got to be with this person non stop because this is like my entire life. So you got to focus on yourself and build that incredible life first and have that social circle. I think, Gary, I think that's a huge part of what we do, honestly, is like we hand deliver our clients with an amazing community of the most supportive women on the planet, great friends, connections, and then suddenly like, we'll hear from our clients all the time. Within a month of working with us and meeting up with some of their friends that they meet in our community, they're like, oh my God, I no longer feel alone. I feel like I got this. And even if I don't meet someone as part of this, I've like, it's worth every penny. And the crazy thing is because now they've met so many people, they're now going to meet the right guy. You know what I'm saying?
Yeah. It takes the pressure off. Right? It's like you imagine coming into a world where a bunch of other people are smart, successful and oriented towards the same goals you are, but approaching them in the same way you want to. And some of them have already been successful and some of them are on the exact same path you are. It's like, who doesn't want to be in that room? Who doesn't want to be in that place? Because you just have this grand sense of camaraderie and just shared mission and shared values. And when you have that, all of a sudden, the pressure, the immense pressure you feel to. Got to find my man. Gotta find my man. Gotta find him, gotta find him, Gotta find. It subsides. It goes away. It becomes not the number one priority. It's just like, no, no. Connecting with other people becomes a priority. And then, oh, my gosh, that's when you're at your best. That's when you're just the most natural, just the most at ease, and that's when you're going to find people.
Right?
It's, It's.
It's crazy how it works 100%. And so for any of you who are listening right now and want to experience that, we do have a pretty. It's an exclusive program because we really do protect that environment. But if that is something you want to explore, I have an entire team here of what we call love strategists who happy to jump on a conversation with you over zoom one on one. We offer these for free. And it gives you an opportunity to see whether or not this is right fit for you and whether you're right fit for the community. And so we do have an application process. If you are accepted to have that love strategy session, jump on it. Go make it happen. Because we have a super limited number of slots available, but you can head on over to loveapply.com to apply for that and see whether or not this community is right for you so that you can start building that life that you, you know, is going to be massively attractive to the right type of person so that you can really have that relationship you deserve.
Yeah. And so the next harsh truth, Adam, this is one I'm teed up for you because I think this next one is super important. And it's not the typical advice I think most people think they're going to get when it comes to dating and being successful. But the harsh truth is you have to learn how to effectively split the room. You want to share what that means?
Yeah. Well, I mean, I think at the end of the day, it's all about being comfortable having people not like you, being comfortable with being a. What we call a polarizing personality. And I remember when I first started on my journey to finding love, I really struggled with being a nice guy. Like, I always wanted people to like me. I was always validation Seeking. I was always wanting to. Oh, my God. That girl, for whatever reason, isn't responding to me. What can I do to get her to like me? Wrong dude, wrong way of looking at it. Until I met this one guy years ago. I mean, he's going back almost 20 years. My friend Emanuele. And he was this crazy Italian guy, wild character. And he became my role model for being a polarizing personality. This dude was so crazy, he would get up on top of a chair in the middle of a crowded room and yell to everyone, I love you all so much. You are my best friends. Sorry, that's my Italian accent. He was a wild dude, and he taught me to just be me. Just do you, dude, like, and when you split a room in half, you're gonna find that 10 of people really don't like you, and then. But 90 will love you, versus having a hundred percent of people kind of liking you. You know, kind of being. What Jessica would always say is like, kind of being vanilla, you know, just kind of trying to just fit in so that you don't ruffle any feathers. No, put yourself out there. Get that opinion out there. Say what you gotta say. And that is massively, massively attractive when you're getting out there meeting people so that you can really stand out in this sea of sameness. There's so many people out there who are just saying all the same things, doing all the same things. I want to bring out that personality in you when you're meeting these guys.
I think it's one of the things that is a tough move for clients at first, because everyone's been brought up to be kind and caring and nice. Very. You know, how many of our clients have this people pleasing kind of disposition? And I think it's. It's most of them. And so what that encourages you to do while dating is I want everybody to like me. I want them all. Like, I want to have as many likes as possible. I want to have as much interest as possible. And like, yeah, you know, getting a bunch of messages on an app and getting 200 messages, that puffs you up a little bit. Like, that feels pretty good. But it's low quality in the sense that you don't want everybody to like you. You only want the guy to like you that is going to be a really good, compatible match for you. And so really, it comes down to just being more comfortable with some people saying that not you might be great, but you're not my kind of great. And that's fine. Again, I think this is Something where, like, so many guys are in many ways too comfortable with this. But there's something to be said for, like, I don't know about you, Adam, but, like, if someone doesn't like me, it doesn't bother me until I know why. If they don't like me for who I actually am and they have it all right, then, like, okay, cool. Like, all right, I'm not. I'm not gonna be everybody's cup of tea, you know, I'm not trying to be friends. There's too many people in the world to. To, like, perfectly match on with everybody. And it's, you know, before your dating journey starts, like, if you think about it, do you really think you're going to click with every single person you meet with? No. And you shouldn't, because not every person you meet is actually going to be a good match for you. So it's the wrong goal anyway. You actually want some people not to like you, particularly the wrong guys.
Well, it's funny, because we opened up the pod talking about these reviews, and I will say, you know, I've been on YouTube for well over a decade now, and creating content, all that stuff. We've been doing it together for a long time.
And.
And I will say that if we're not getting enough bad reviews, it actually tells me that we're doing something wrong. Like, if all the reviews are good and we're not kind of pissing off a few people, we're probably not pushing it hard enough. You know what I'm saying? And, like, I know we asked you all to give us a review, and we still ask for that, but there, there. I don't know, Gary. Do you ever feel that way? Like, sometimes you get a negative review, you're kind of like, yeah, good, we created some emotion. At least we did something that inspired her to take time out of her day to write us a bad review. Clearly, we said something that struck a nerve. And that means if I struck a negative nerve with her, there are nine other people out there who I struck a positive nerve. Right. And that's good. Now, if it's the opposite, if you're. If you're pissing off nine out of ten people. Okay, take a hard look at that. Maybe you're a little bit too polarizing. You're. You're saying the wrong things. But my. My general litmus test is 1 out of 10 people should generally not like me. And that's okay.
Well, because it says more about them than it says about you anyway.
Correct.
Right. And that's what I tell myself. It depends on what you're doing, of course, but if you're just kind of living your life and being a good person, like I can think of, you know, some people in. In my past who just didn't like me because of how I approached life. Right. It's just like it wasn't their way of wanting to do things. And so it kind of did triggered something in them that made it, you know, all about me, which it obviously it wasn't. So I don't know. So switching gears a little bit, I. I think there another hearth truth about why folks will end up single is this one's going to sound weird, but your sex drive gets the best of you. And here's the problem, and I just had this on a mastermind the other night is a client was talking about this guy she met and he. She kept saying, he's so hot. He's so hot. He's tall and he's hot. And she's very. And she's like. And I just, I wanted to have him over and I wanted this. And let's be honest, there's just gonna be some guys that you're gonna encounter that make you weak in the knees, as they say, right? It's like how he looks. He says the right things. He does. He presses all the right buttons. And I know like, the sex drive thing sounds like a guy problem, but let's be honest, like, everyone's got a sex drive. And if you're encountering these really hot guys that know how to say all the right things and you give in to your sex drive, the problem is those relationships are going to start off amazing and there's going to be all this sparks and chemistry and connection and all that great stuff. But then, guess what? It doesn't last. It fizzles. And so you start riding this little wave of like, amazing, Fizzled out, Single again. Oh, found another one. Amazing. No, fizzle it out. Single again. And that's a big reason why that people end up single and stuck.
Dating requires a very weird word that no one ever says when it applies to dating, but I'm going to say it. And that is discipline. Discipline is simply not doing something that you really want to do. Or sometimes it's actually doing something that you really don't want to do. But in this case, it's not doing something that you really want to do. That's having discipline. And when you're dating, sometimes there's going to be a guy who's really attractive who's touching your hair, who's saying sweet things into your ear, and you really want to go back with him. Like, it's working for you. Discipline means no. I don't know you, dude. I don't know who you are yet. I don't know your favorite color. I don't know your family. We haven't done anything. No, we just met on an app like, three days ago. I'm not having sex with you yet. No. I'm gonna hold off and build an emotional connection. We are pro sex around here. I love sex, Gary. I assume you love sex, too. Great. What we want for you all is good sex. Good sex with the right person. Good sex with the right. Yes, with the right person. But that's the thing. That was my point is good sex is only good, really good, when it's with the right person and you have an emotional connection. Bad sex is usually with someone you don't really know or they're the a bad person, as in they're disrespectful, they're not a friend, they're not caring to you, yada, yada, yada. I could go on about it. So just have some discipline throughout the process. And that's a muscle. It's a muscle that you got to build. It's a muscle as part of this process. But again, if you just find yourself just going with every impulse or just following your heart, as every other dating person out there will tell you on the interwebs, guess what? It's gonna. You're gonna fall into the arms of the wrong guy, sleeping with this guy, hoping that something actually turns into something real when it's never going to. And then you're brokenhearted three months later, no discipline.
No more.
That's my race.
You need to have the discipline. You need to have the discipline to have physical connections you're not going to regret the next day. That's what it comes down to.
Right?
And it's. I also, Adam, I cannot wait for the little part of this podcast where you're screaming about I love sex to be clipped out and used against you.
I love sex. I mean, you know, sometimes people forget, like, how it is that I became the CEO of Love Strategies basically 20 years later, and it's basically started because I love sex. So, like, let's get real here, all right?
You land at one deep connection with other people. That's what it's about.
I love facilitating people having sex with people that they love.
Good, Good.
So, key caveat. Thanks, Gary, for making a weird dude you're welcome.
You're welcome. So the number six reason why that you're keeping yourself single is you're spending too much time dating with your mind. And so what I. When I say this, what I mean is you meet people, you see their profiles, and you just know in your mind how this is going to go. You know what they're like. You know how they are. You know, you can see 10 years in the future, and you know exactly how this whole relationship is going to unfold within the first date. You have 37 reasons why it'll never work and can see every problem 20 years in the future. And let's be honest, you can't. That's not true. It's not true at all. You don't have any clue. And I think that's a hundred times true when you're just looking at online dating profiles. There's so many of our clients who are going through and they say, there are no good guys. I said, okay, well, you know, how do you know? Well, when I'm looking through the apps, there's just nobody. Like, well, no, there are plenty of guys there. You're just finding something with every single profile to disqualify him. And that's. And it's not fair because if guys were doing that to you, they can't know you from your profile exclusively. We can do a couple broad strokes, right? We can rule out the worst of the worst. Fine, great. But what you can't date with your mind. So what you have to do is date with your attention, right? You have to go and meet people. You got to meet people in person. There are so many guys out there that will surprise you. And you're saying, but no, Gary, I know, I know this guy's not going to be good. Okay? Test it. Test your hypothesis. That sounds nerdy as hell, but go test your hypothesis. Like, give it a shot. Because as you meet more people, you will realize people surprise you. You're going to learn more about yourself. You're going to learn more about what you really want. And. And there, I promise, promise men will surprise you. Because them online, their online pictures, their online profile, their texting game, all the things that guys are the worst that they get better.
Gary, I don't know about you, but, like, one of my favorite parts of this job, I actually say my favorite part of this job is having conversation with the client when they're like, eh, I don't know if I should go out with this guy. And we just simply say, go on a meetup. Report back next week. Let me know how it goes. And then they come back and there's like a certain body language that comes with it. It's. It. It feels like shame, but it shouldn't be at all because we really wanted them to go on this meetup. But they come on. They're like, adam, I went on the meetup. I'm like, how'd it go? And they're like, it was amazing. Like, they're like bursting, like, with excitement. Like, it was so good. He was nothing like what I thought. He was completely different. Thank you. And, you know, it's. It's not about me. She still went on the meetup and did it. I just happened to be sitting in a seat where I've experienced this so many times over and over again, where it's. It's exactly what you just said. Go test your prediction. Your prediction is probably wrong. Sometimes it's right. And when it's right, just like, that's fine. You went on the meetup. You spelled boohoo. You spend an hour of your life with a guy, okay, so what? On the road to finding the most important person in your life, which is the person you spend the rest of your life with, it's going to impact every part of your entire life. Boohoo. You went on a one hour meetup with someone that didn't work out with. So what? Go out with another. Get some volume in, see how it goes. Create new predictions or. Excuse me, don't create predictions. Just go for it and see what happens.
I think this is one of the biggest value adds of working with a coach or just having somebody to help you out because you're going to come up with reasons why not to do things. And then it's like a coach, a good friend, whatever. You know, it's like being out in a big room like, you know, at a seventh grade dance, and you just have your friend who like, kind of pushes you in your back. He's like, no, no, go. Like, they kind of force you to go do some things. And because on your own, you're not testing your own predictions. You're not. You're not putting yourself outside of your comfort zone. And that's really what it takes a lot of times is you putting yourself outside of your comfort zone.
Definitely our last harsh truth.
This in many ways the grand finale, because this might be the harshest one, because I don't think this is one that clients always think they're guilty of, but it's almost always the case that they're a little guilty of this, which is number seven. Harsh truth about why you're still single. You're not approachable. You are creating this invisible wall that says, back off. I don't want to talk to you. I'm not interested in meeting anybody. And so I want to tell you about it very, very, very quickly. About a study. I just heard about this study. It's in a social setting. Woman wants. And they want to see how many signals a woman needs to Send before. Within 10 minutes before a guy feels comfortable enough approaching. Any guesses?
I already know the answer, so I can't guess. But everyone think of a number. Think of a number right now.
How many signals does a woman need to send within a span of 10 minutes for a guy to be like, okay, I can do this. I'm gonna go. She definitely wants to talk to me. I'm gonna go over there. She's not gonna embarrass me. She's not gonna reject me. This is gonna be awkward and terrible. I feel safe going over there. How many signals does it take? And now when I've. I was talking to my students about this the other day. They were like, 6, 10.
One.
Google girl's like, it's probably a lot. It's 10. Well, no, it's not. It's not 10. 29. 29, 29. That's a lot. It's an incredible number. Now, I'm not talking. These are not, like, huge. They're all, like, little subtle things. So it's lots of little things that it takes. And now you could take two. Two things away from this one. Men are clueless. Okay, fair. To a certain extent, yes. Men can be clueless about this stuff. But here's the second part, and here's the more important part, because this is the part you have control over, because we can't wave of magic wand and make men less clueless. Your signals just aren't very clear. You think you're being clear. You think that one little glance you give across the room tells a guy, okay, this is. It's not enough. Because what he's thinking is, that was an accident. She was looking past, like, what was she looking at? She was looking at something else behind me. Like he's convincing himself all these things aren't true. So he needs a hint, a verification, further verification. And then apparently, 26 more verifications. But so here's the. Your flirting skills aren't good enough. You need to get better. And. And I say skill very intentionally because flirting is a skill. You sending the signals that you are approachable, putting out what I always call a big welcome mat. It's a skill, and it's something you have to learn. And we've talked about this in many other podcasts. I'm not going to get into all the ways to do that. But it. The harsh truth is you're just not as approachable as you think you are. You're flirting. That you think is super obvious and clear to men. It's not. You can do better. You can do better.
You can do better. And I will say, you know, before I was a coach for women started Love Strategies, I used to use to coach men on how to meet all of you. And I remember working with these guys, and they would be talking to a woman for like, 10 minutes. They come back and be like, oh, she's not into me. I'm like, yeah, she was. She was talking to you for 10 minutes. She's probably just nervous, right? And the reality was he would then ask her out, then she would say yes, and they would continue seeing each other, and she was just nervous. And I get it. Then I started working with women, and I started talking about this concept of, like, especially with the guys that you really like, you have to be even more intentional about putting out a welcome mat because you're probably trying to play really cool, right? Like, you're like, oh, I. I don't want him to think that I'm needy or anything like that. So then you. You have the ultimate r. What. What do you call rbf?
Resting back off face.
Okay. Yeah. Better. Better terms. Resting back off face. So it's just being really intentional about putting that out there so that this guy knows. Because these guys, I'm telling you, in the depths of their soul, their greatest fear is being rejected horrifically by you. Don't forget it. So, Gary, this was fantastic. We went a little bit over today, but I think that this is going to be really helpful for all of you. And if you do want us to guide you in your love life, that's what we do around here. You want some big brothers and some big sisters, some little love sisters that we have in the community? Everything that we do around here, go to loveapply.com. this is what we do. Let's guide you on your journey to finding love. We'll put a link in the description as well. Thank you, Gary. That was awesome. Talk to you all soon. Bye. Bye.
Thanks, Adam. Thanks.