7 Psychological Skills Every Successful Dater Needs

Hey there, everyone. Before we start the podcast, as you all know, there's a lot of bad dating and love advice out there, and we want to put a stop to that. So if you're enjoying this podcast, you enjoy the content that we're putting out, please can you leave a review Wherever it is that you're listening to this podcast, it spreads a lot of love and it really helps get this message out there so we can help more women just like you attract the love that they truly deserve. Go ahead and leave that review and let's jump into the podcast.

When you're excited about a relationship that you want to make, your. You're just. You're in love, right? So you want to make all the sacrifices, you want to do all this, and it's like, okay, ooh, sacrifice is good, but it's got to be mutual and minor, right? You shouldn't be making major sacrifices. It should be minor things. And you got to make sure your partner's doing the same thing, you know, maintaining identity, all that good stuff. And so some of some people listening to this are going to be like, I like to dive all the way in. I want to be the full on romantic partner. Okay, Balance that out.

Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. All right, Garrett, Today we're going to be talking about seven psychological skills that everybody data needs to attract love. For those who are listening or watching, I need you to beware. Gary and I passed a virus to each other via Zoom last week, and we've both been deathly ill over the past week. I got. I caught the worst stomach bug of my life, getting me in the hospital. I'm good, I'm good. I made it through alive. I was totally fine. It was just a terrible stomach bug. And Gary, I know you still got remnants of the flu right now.

Yeah, for the first time in my. My entire life, I got the flu. I've never had the flu in my life, but this, it got me. It got me good.

It was like right after we had a meeting on Monday, like Last Monday. Then we both just went into our dark holes for the week, and I was like, gary, I need you to cover for me for. For some of our coaching sessions. Gary's like, I need someone to cover for me.

We're both dying.

Yeah. Bad timing. But we are here for all of you and really excited to get into this incredible topic that I think you all are going to enjoy. So, Gary, you want to kind of lead it off a little bit?

Yeah. And I think, you know, a lot of times people learn a lot about dating through their experience. Now, experience tells us a lot. But experience is an expertise. Right. And experience is only a good teacher if you're able to kind of reflect, gain insight, learn the lessons that that experience is teaching you. And so rather than having to go through some of those negative experiences and potential heartbreak and, like, wasting a lot of time, I think it's just a wiser approach when trying to improve your dating prospects is focus on some key skills. Right. Like, we can't be perfect in all facets of every possible dating area of expertise, but what we can do is really build up. In this case, we're going to talk about just seven of them, seven key psychological skills that if you focus on these seven things, you're automatically going to be a better dater and just more wise about relationships than the vast majority of people out there.

Yeah. I was actually talking to some clients last night about getting some experience in dating. And my algorithm that I was talking to them about was, if you don't. If you're not doing anything right now, go do something, get some experience. But if what you are doing isn't working, gain some skills and some strategies, change what you're doing. So it's pretty simple. It's a pretty ridiculous thing to say out loud, but there's a lot of people who ruminate at home and don't do anything and just try to continuously learn new skills, but they don't actually apply them. That's not very helpful. But then there's another, like, cohort of people who are just bashing their head against the wall, doing the same thing over and over again without reflection, without adapting their approach, with blaming everyone else for the problems. And I think this is in particular for those people who it's like, well, let's kind of shift our strategy, shift our mindset and how it is that we're approaching it. So I love this topic. I think this is important because.

Right. I mean, if you don't know what you're doing and your skills aren't quite up to par. Going out and getting more experience is just going to get you more bad experience. Right, Right. Because you're, you're just not going to be able know what to do to recognize the right guy to, to know how to handle situations. You just, you don't have the skills. And so you do need a certain requisite level of skill before you are going to have any kind of proficiency in. In any endeavor, dating included.

Yeah. I remember when I first started learning these skills myself, I was probably 23 years old and I was like, I'm just going to go out every single day and talk to 10 new women. Just do it. Like, I'm just going to approach women wherever I am. I'm at the grocery store or wherever, just chat people up. Like, not try to pick them up, but just have conversations. And it was so bad. Oh, my God, it was so bad because I had no skill. I didn't know what I was doing. I was that awkward guy just going up and probably fumbling with everything I was saying. And then I decided I was like, you know, I'm going to take a step back, I'm going to pause this for a little bit, and then I'm going to learn some skills and actually understand the right body language, the right approach, some great conversation starters, great ways to continue conversation, great ways to build a connection with a person. And then I went back with that same vigor, that same energy, and it was just night and day. It was just like, oh, got it. Okay, this can actually be fun. This can be enjoyable. So I've been on both sides of this, for sure. And for those of you who are struggling on that front, it's okay, take a pause, learn some new stuff, then get back out there with a new energy and new approach.

So, yeah, and the really positive thing about all this is so few people spend any time focusing on skills, developing their dating skills, that a little bit goes a long way. Right. Just with the quick seven things we're going to talk about today, it's going to put you miles ahead of most of the other women out there in terms of, you know, what they actually understand and what skills they're bringing to the table.

Amen. Why don't you walk us through the first one?

Sure. So the first one we start off with the first one, where we always start off with everything we do with love strategies, with all of our programs, which is the very first thing you have to get right is you have to know yourself. Right. You have to be the right person to Find the right person. And so you just, if you haven't yet, the skill that you really need to develop is just a comfort and understanding with who you authentically are as a person. Get to know you. Right. I mean, that's the number one step of being relationship ready.

Yeah. What are your emotional triggers? Who are you naturally drawn to and attracted to and like getting real with that. Like a lot of people say, oh, I want a guy who is really intellectual, who we have a lot of things in common, yada yada yada. But then you go out at night and then that tall handsome guy who's really charming and it makes you laugh. You're always drawn to that guy. Get real with yourself and be aware of, of these tendencies that you might have. Same thing with just even in conversational, like in conversations, after a conversation, kind of take a second to analyze. Were you asking questions or were you drilling him as an interviewer? You know, were you asking engaging questions or were you actually just like drilling him the whole time or were you perhaps doing all of the talking the entire time? Like these moments of just self reflection, Know thyself really is so important because ultimately you're going to be the best person to decide where your, your challenge areas are in dating. Like if you can actually look at yourself with clear, with a clear lens and be able to analyze these situations after a date, how did you show up? How is your energy, how is your body language, all of these things, Then suddenly you can, if you're taking a real hard look at that, the raw look, then suddenly you can start to fix these things.

Yeah. And really importantly, you have to figure out who you are outside of relationships. Right. And that's really important because so many people, particularly people who have this feel, feel like they need to have a relationship, actually define a lot of who they are through that relationship. Like, oh, I'm not me. I'm that person's partner. I'm that person's girlfriend. I'm that person's boyfriend, you know, and that isn't the way to ideal self definition. Like you've got to be a whole complete, full, amazing person by yourself first. And then once you're solid on that, then your job isn't to find anybody to fill in any holes to complete you in any sort of pseudo romantic way. It's I'm amazing. You know what? You know what I really want? I want an amazing partner who we can side by side go through life and just have this amazing life together. And so you can only really figure that out who you are uniquely separate from a relationship. Really, when you're not in a relationship, you just take, take a little bit of time. Like what, what is it that I really want? What is like at the core? What, who am I, what am I looking for? And it's going to go a long way in helping you find the right, not just any person, the right person.

Yeah. And when, when you really do that work and you have created a life that on its own is thriving without a partner, then suddenly your priorities change in what you're looking for in a partner. Because when your life is chaos, nothing is going well physically. You know, your, your health, what you're eating, your work, you know, your emotional volatility, it's all over the map. Then guess what? You're going to prioritize in a relationship. You're going to look for someone who can fix all those things. Right? Whereas when you actually do the work and realize that you need to be the fixer of your own life, and then you do work on those areas of your life and suddenly you're thriving and then the man that you're going to actually be looking for is going to be very different. You're going to be looking for someone who really is on your level, who you can, who can supplement your existing life rather than fix your life. And so, yeah, that's always the place to start, is your own identity, working on your identity, understanding who you are. And then when you get into a relationship, realize that you both want to maintain your own separate identities while at the same time creating a joint identity, you know, and it's really three separate things. So.

Right. Yeah, it's, it's, it's, it's the ultimate empowerment. Right. It's. I don't need somebody to film in my life, I want someone to share my life with. I'm amazing, you're amazing. Together we're going to be amazing. Right. And, and that's, that's the idea. And so, you know, first skill. Absolutely. Know, know thyself. Second skill I think is there's a lot of different things about relationships and about how we individually approach relationships that you could master. But by far the number one most important thing to get a handle on is know your attachment style.

Yeah.

If you aren't already an expert, expert enough in attachment to know the, the three main types, what your attachment is, how to pick up some signs of avoidant or anxious attachment in other people. This is critical information. This will save you a lot of heartache. This is going to lead to A lot of aha experiences for yourself. You know, like just kind of sitting with yourself. Are you comfortable yourself with getting close to other people and being vulnerable? To what extent is that true or not? To what extent are you concerned about people hurting you, leaving you, cheating on you, wronging you in. In some way? They do have that anxiety over abandonment and just kind of getting a sense of how you feel about those things. First, really, really important going forward.

Are you tired of committing your heart to a man who only just pulls away? Well, if so, we have a very special presentation that's available to our podcast listeners. It's at a special link. It's called he commits.com and it's going to walk you through the five secret strategies that make men commit. Head on over to he commits dot com. It's only available for a short period of time. I think you're gonna like it a lot. All right, back to the podcast. Yeah, and attach. Like for those who haven't taken an attachment style quiz, I definitely recommend it. You can just google it. You get a feel for it. You don't need like a crazy. I mean, you can get a therapist or, you know, some help in this area, but the quizzes typically are pretty good at just assessing kind of where you are in your attachment. And the thing that we always like to say when it comes to attachment is that it's not a noun. It's not something that is just. It is what it is. It's not a tattoo on your body. Let's say you're an avoidant attachment, which means that you have trouble with intimacy and you tend to be kind of pull away from relationships. Let's say you assess that. Well, that's good information to have because now we can start working towards closing that gap. And it is something that you can intentionally close that gap. It's not something that stay stays with you for your entire life. You can move from ATT from an avoidant to a secure attachment. And it's also going to be important for you while you're dating to look for certain types of potential partners. If you're an avoidant, you certainly want to be going after someone who is a secure attachment, who so all of these things are going to dictate your strategy. And understanding the skill of attachment is so important. I think, Gary, one of the first things you said to me when we first started working together many years ago was that attachment theory is some of the best relationship science that exists out there. Isn't that the case?

Yeah, it's the Most solid. I mean, if you want to do a study on anything relationship related, there's something about attachment, right? It's. It's the most well researched thing because it just. It works so well and it explains so much. And, you know, the. The thing I like to say about attachment is it pays to be secure, right? Like, it just. It. It's super, super important to be secure. And I love what you said before about. It's not a noun, right? It's a verb. It's. I always think of it. It's not. You're not categories. Like, sometimes people say, oh, I'm an anxious person. I'm an avoidant person. Like, no, no, no, you have more anxious tendencies. You have more avoidant tendencies at the moment. But all this is a continuum, right? And you know, we've done. I've done a whole entire training for our clients on this. We've had a couple previous podcasts about attachments. We don't have to, like, belabor it too much, but that idea that, like, if you're not optimally secure, you can get there, and it's just a matter of working on it, being aware of it is actually the most important first step. And that's why this is our number two skill, is to just make sure you should have a working knowledge of attachment, because it really is going to help move everything forward.

Yeah, exactly. Now, the third thing that I think is super important is just learning how to have really meaningful conversations, those deeper conversations while dating. And even in relationships, a lot of dating advice out there is focused on, you know, mastering the first one minute of meeting a person, which I think is incredibly important. I spent a lot of time teaching that, especially when I was coaching men just how to actually just break the ice. I think that's really good. But especially for women, I mean, for. For both genders, men need to be doing this as well. But I think it's really important to learn how to actually cut through some of that superficial conversation and go a lot deeper. And I just want to tell a quick story. I know this is off note, but one of our clients last night, she was telling me she started dating a guy who she's so excited about. I mean, she's been in our highest level mastermind, Lux, for the past month, and she met a guy who's gone on five dates with him, and they have a little. I don't know, I don't know how else to say, like a little thing where every time they start a conversation with each other on the phone, every night, they have to ask each other each three questions that they've never asked them before. And it could be any question. It could be like a really fun, playful conversation. Like, you know, what, did you have a pet growing up? That could be one or another one could be much deeper, which is like, what is your greatest fear in relationships? And it's just become this kind of culture of how it is that they interact with each other. And they've been developing this immense emotional connection that has gone way past the physical. I don't think they've been intimate, honestly. And I just love that. I feel like this is, it's just like such a fun thing and I can even speak to that. Like Jess and I have played those games where you get. And it's like you just ask each other questions. It's a really fun night. Like I've been with my wife for almost 10 years now and it's like I learn things all the time that I never even realized existed. So I just thought I'd share that.

Yeah, that's an amazing little activity to build into a long term relationship, right? It's, it's like there's always an endless supply of things that you can learn about somebody. And you know, we know from the research it's critically important, right? Self disclosure and learning about your partner, it's mutually transformative with closeness. And so what that means is as you disclose more, you feel closer to your partner, they feel closer to you. Because you now feel closer, it encourages you to disclose even more. And so it just becomes this feedback loop where it's like, as we share, we get closer. As we get closer, we want to share more. And like that is a really important cycle in any kind of relationship. And so, you know, we talk about this one as the skill being having meaningful conversations. Because I think so often women in particular are really good at small talk, they're really good at chit chat, they're really good at just kind of like the how's your day? And kind of going through all those things, which is fine, that's part of a conversation. But we want to make sure when we're dating that we're not getting distracted by the mundane at the expense of the meaningful.

Right?

Because you can fill a lot of time and you can have really pleasant conversation by just kind of focusing on the traffic and the mundane and maybe, you know, things going on in the world. That's all great, but we have to remember we don't know the people that we're dating that well yet. Right. And we're there to get more information. And so you just need to have some of those go to prompts. You have some of those go to things to say to make sure you're learning more about somebody. Right. And so one of my favorite ones that I coach people on all the time is three very simple, powerful words in any conversation is tell me more. Tell me more. Like, oh, my gosh, that's tell me more about that. And so, you know, just encourage the other person to keep talking and keep sharing.

I love that. One of my favorite words to just tack onto that after tell me more is why? Because a lot of people when they're dating, they do the who, what, where, you know, oh, what do you do for work? Oh, where's. Where is that? I don't know. Oh, that's interesting. How does. How do you do that? You know, and it's much more superficial. But if you ask someone. Let's just continue with that example of profession. Why did you choose that profession? Like, what drew you to that? Ah, interesting. Very rarely do people ask you why on anything. And it definitely tends to make the conversation much deeper. And frankly, it's something usually people haven't thought about why they do what they do.

So which I. Super, super important. Right. This wasn't in our notes to plan to talk about this in particular, but I think so often we get really focused in conversations. We're meeting somebody new on facts. Oh, you're a carpenter as a profession. And then we use that piece of information, you're a carpenter, to then make assumptions about X, Y and Z. Other things, which we try to, like, pull extra information out of that. What's better is exactly what you just suggested, which is, why are you a carpenter?

Like, why did you choose carpenter? Carpenter, yeah.

Accountant. I don't know.

Why are we thinking of such lame jobs? Sorry. For the carpenters and the accountants of the world.

Why are you an astronaut?

Yes, that's much better. Wow. Astronaut. Why?

Because fundamentally, less than. What's less important is the actual profession. And we want to learn how our partner thinks. We want to learn about their motivations. We want to learn about the psychological underpinnings of everything that's going on. And sometimes we just. We try to, like, figure it out on our own by reading the clues. But let's, let's not do that. Let's not make assumptions. Let's just ask better questions and asking why you do things.

What.

Where do you see this in the future? What led to the just kind of getting deeper and having those more meaningful, meaningful conversations are going to allow us to see those dynamics.

Yeah. And that's a skill. That's a skill in itself is not being too judgmental while dating, honestly. And like our brains as humans, we are incredibly judgmental creatures. And there's enough science to reveal that with any where, like 1 to 30 seconds of meeting someone, we already got them in a box. Like, if, if we don't override that, then suddenly we're just going to keep them in a box forever. And I just. By asking really engaging questions and actually thoughtful questions and being curious, like, legitimately curious about people. Like any good interviewer on, like, podcasts, you listen to them, the good interviewers are just curious. They really want to get to the core of that human being. And they don't try to put them in a box. In fact, they try to open up that box and explore everything about that human being. Because human beings are incredibly complex. And by bringing that energy, it is so rare in dating for both men and women to do that. And if you're the one to lead on that front, I promise you, he's going to follow in your suit. He's going to do the same thing.

Absolutely. Cool. So that brings the fourth skill. This is a, this is a tough one because it's kind of, it's kind of a broad skill in the sense that the fourth one is maintain balance. And so that another way to say that is don't overdo it in any one direction, which is tough. Early on, right. Early on, you are so excited about this person, you want to overdo it and just see them all the time. You want to really lean into the chemistry piece. But it's. You always have to recognize and it's a skill to kind of show some restraint, to show some balance. In terms of as much as this seems amazing, I'm not going to fully give over my entire identity to being this. In this relationship. I'm going to maintain some independence along with the merging and the interdependence. Right. When it comes to the balance of power in a relationship, I'm not going to give my partner all the power, nor am I going to demand to have all the power. It's a give and a take. And it's just, it's a mindset that you're not always going to have perfect balance, but if it goes a little bit one way, then it's got to come back the other way. And it's like, overall, you have to average out to sharing, sharing, sharing.

Yeah, I Love that. And I think that's once again just a huge part of having a strategy and being disciplined throughout the dating process. Especially the one where it's like you really like someone and you want to just dive in head first and just make things work and you're so excited and we're enthralled by that human being. Maintaining that balance and maintain that rationalization is, is super important. So I love that. Yeah.

Because when you're excited about a relationship, like you want to make your. You're just, you're in love, right. So you want to make all the sacrifices. You want to do this and it's like, okay, ooh, sacrifice is good, but it's got to be mutual and minor. Right. You shouldn't be making major sacrifices. It should be minor things. And you got to make sure your partner's doing the same thing, you know, maintaining identity, all that good stuff. And so some of some people listening to this are going to be like, I like to dive all the way in. I want to be the full on romantic partner. Okay, balance that out. Some people are like, I'm going to stay very independent and I'll be very cautious about this. Okay, balance that out too. Like, you have to be able to kind of calibrate and do both sides. The extremes generally are not the way to go. You want to be somewhere in the middle and be able to handle both sides of things.

And the best way to calibrate is just to look at your, your patterns and your history. You know, if you have a tendency to do one thing, to either dive in headfirst or be on the other hand, that cold hearted person who doesn't actually open up. I've dated both those types of women in my life and I'm sure all of you listening have dated those types of men. Like just realizing that pattern and then bringing that kind of balance to your love life, I think that's huge. The next one is all about boundaries and being able to really set appropriate boundaries in relationships. And this is not about ultimatums or demand. It's about understanding what is that you're willing to do and how you react in a given particular situation. Right, G. Yeah.

I mean, too often, you know, if you go into relationships with, we've talked about this a little bit before, like a pick me energy or a needy energy, you're just kind of allowing your partner to dictate all the standards and all the expectations in the relationship. Boundaries are about like, no, no, it's, it's okay for you to take up space. It's okay for you to have an opinion, it's okay for things that your partner does to upset you, and it's okay for you to say, so all that's fine. And what I really like what you said about how it's not about ultimatums or demands because I think sometimes people mistake boundaries for, you know, like telling your partner, you need to respect me, you have to give me more respect. And it's like, that's not a boundary, that's a demand. A boundary is, well, if you're, if you're gonna treat me this way and be inconsistent with your texting and not show up when you say you're gonna show up, I'm just not gonna stick around to tolerate that. That's a boundary. It's a standard for how you're gonna allow other people to treat you. It's a respect that you have for yourself and it's holding other people to that level of standard that you have for yourself and just being comfortable saying, like, yeah, this, this is what I expect and this, this is how I need to be treated. And if you're not able to do that, that's fine.

Yeah, move on. And so with the little love steps where we, we teach the seven little love steps for those who are single, to going all through the dating process, to attracting long lasting love and little love step number six is when you go from dating, you know, two or three different guys talking to multiple people to then being in an exclusive relationship with one of those guys. And in little love step six, the majority of what we talk about is setting boundaries because early on in a new relationship, that's kind of how you once again set the kind of culture of the relationship, how we do things around here, how does he show up, how does he communicate with you, how does he react to your needs and all of these things. If you kind of let it go early on, it's much harder later to then set those boundaries. Like early on in a new relationship, when things are going really well, if he oversteps a boundary and he's being inappropriate, let's say you find out that he's texting his ex wife something inappropriate or, or something like that, or he, let's say, let's take it a step further. Let's say he goes out for drinks with his ex wife and doesn't tell you about it. Well, some people might just let that go because they're like, okay, it's his ex wife, that's fine. He didn't tell me about it, whatever. No, this is the time early on a relationship to have a clear and simple conversation. Be like, look, I welcome you having, if, if you do welcome them having a relationship, you know, a friendship, whatever it is, I welcome you being able to communicate with your wife. But honestly, I just don't feel it appropriate to be grabbing drinks with your wife and not telling me about it or your ex wife and just having that. That's setting a boundary. And the big thing at that moment is to see how it is that he responds to a boundary being set. Is he going to be the type of guy who's like, well, no, I'm going to do what I'm going to do, when I'm going to do it, and I don't need to hear from you, okay, well, we got bigger problems. This relationship ain't going nowhere. Assuming the boundary is once again appropriate, like, if it's fair, you know, sometimes people set boundaries that are inappropriate, but that would be an example of a boundary I would consider to be appropriate and have that conversation and see how he responds. So do it early on when you're in a committed, exclusive relationship. Even when you're dating, if a guy oversteps boundaries, don't be afraid to do that because you as the female have a lot of power throughout this process. Arguably more power than men throughout the dating process. Yeah.

And I think, you know, it's just to underscore it. It's so often early in relationships where you just get this feeling something goes wrong and you want to say something, but it's. Then you're like, I don't need to say something. I don't want to create. Turn this into a whole big thing and make it a big problem. But any of those things, if it's an issue, you know, the scenario you were just describing, if you don't discuss it, it only lingers and it only becomes a bigger problem later on. And, and so you need to address these things. You know, another classic one that we, we see a lot with our clients is a guy inappropriately texting and being overtly sexual or way too sexual too soon on texts like, oh, you know, I don't. I don't want to say anything because I don't, you know, I kind of like this guy and I this. And you kind of just see like the, the turmoil in them. And it's like, I don't really. It's like, no, no, you really do want to say something about this. Yeah, right. And you just. It doesn't have to be mean. It doesn't have to be a lecture. It just has to be like, this is inappropriate. You know, I'm not comfortable with this kind of texting. And that's all I have to say.

And I'll tell you, all ladies out there, guys will test you on this front. They will absolutely push the boundary. Like, I can think too many of my friends in my 20s, again, that's going way back into time, who will purposely push the boundary on the sexual nature with a woman just to see if she'll react positively, just to see if this is okay. And if it is okay, guess what he's going to do? He's going to continue pushing that boundary and pushing that boundary and pushing that boundary. And then there would, would be some women. I could think back to a number of them. And I'm thinking back to one particular friend of mine who's an ex friend at this point, but he would do this a lot. And I remember one time a woman just shut him down so quickly. Like, that is not how we do things. I'm not that type of girl. I don't know who you think you are dealing with. No, no, no, no, no. And man, did he get into line real quick. Like, you know, like every other woman was like, oh, okay. And they're kind of going with it. And this one was like, nope, not here, buddy. Get in line or you're out. And I'm pretty sure she did, she did dump him.

Well, and it's human nature to get away with what you can get away with, right? And so, you know, I think the sexual texting is a big one. The, the guys with last minute plans, you know, you don't hear from them for days. And then Saturday night, last minute, hey, are you doing anything tonight? It's like, no, the boundary is you don't just, I'm not a convenience store for you, right? Like, I'm not here at your convenience. You know that that's a boundary. I think every once in a while too, guys will say something that's inappropriate. And a really nice way to establish a boundary is I'm going to give you a chance to reword that. Right. They say something they shouldn't have said and you're like, yeah, I'm giving you a chance to think about that and try that again.

Yeah, that's a goal.

It just kind of says like, hey, that's not okay. And they're like, oh, and you're not again, you're not like chastising and nagging and any of, any of that kind of stuff, it's just like, no, man, that's not cool. I'm gonna give you a chance to say that one again.

I love it.

I love it.

All right, move us on, Gary. I'd love to hear the rest.

Sure. All right, so number six, this is a dating skill, but it's us. It's a relationship skill because they very much go together is we want to keep things fresh. We want to make sure that things don't get stale, they don't get stagnant. We got stuck in a rut. Nobody wants to be bored or feel like, oh, gosh, I got to go. You know, you don't want to feel like your relationships are dragged. We say to women all the time, like, dating, it's fun, right? Relationships are fun, and if it's not fun, you're doing something wrong. And so to fight the urge to coast, we. I talk about this a lot in a lot of my own relationship research is there's certain kinds of activities that we know from lots and lots of research are particularly good for relationships. And those relate. Those activities are what we call NICE activities. And NICE is an acronym. The N in NICE is for novel. So new things that you haven't done before. The I is for interesting. It's got to be something like, huh. Oh, that's. That's different, right? It's got to pique your interest. C is for challenge. So it doesn't always have to be easy, low energy things. It could be things that are a little bit difficult, right? Things that are going to push you a little bit outside of your comfort zone. And then the last one is E for exciting. Now, high energy, right? And again, a lot of that excitement stuff is to mimic early dating, right? Because we have a lot of natural excitement. I will tell you, of the four things for nice, E, the excitement piece is the least important. It's really. It's much more important to do novel, interesting, challenging. So, you know, this doesn't always have to be high impact, crazy, exciting thing, you know, you don't always have to have, you know, jet ski races with your partner every time you want to inject a little life into the relationship.

But little skydiving.

Skydiving would be great, but it doesn't have to be, right? Yeah, it's as simple as going to a new restaurant. It's as simple as going to a new neighborhood. It's as simple as going on a new hike. You know, just something new, something outside of the. Like, you're gonna have your standards in Relationships. And you're gonna have your standard things in dating that you and your partner just gravitate towards. But every once in a while, you have to say, you know what? Let's. It's time to. Thursday night. We're doing something different. We're just gonna do something different. It might. It might be a colossal failure. That's fine. We're gonna do something different.

Something I've noticed is that when we do something that's a nice activity, we associate the feelings that we get from doing that activity with the human being that we're with. And so let's say you have been with a guy for a few months, and it's just. You're feeling a little bored. But you go to a comedy show and you're just laughing all night. It's an amazing show. You're having so much fun. You actually, like, have that association of humor and laughter with the guy. Right. Like, you actually. You have more of a connection, even though you probably haven't even talked the entire show. Just experiencing something together is very powerful. And so being intentional about having those types of experiences together when you're in a relationship. But even when you first start dating, like, date number two, do a nice activity. Get out there. Go do something new together. And I especially say this for those women who go with a guy for the first date and they don't quite feel the spark. Go do an activity together for the second date and see how you feel. Do something that is not just sitting at the Dunkin Donuts coffee shop or wherever it is people might go to grab coffee. And you just sit there talking, like, in this horrible environment. Oh, I've gone on one date at a Dunkin Donuts, and I'll never go again. What a terrible date. But you'll come out of that being like, huh, interesting. I saw a side of him I haven't really seen. Even if it's the same guy. Just because you experienced this amazing thing together.

Yeah. And especially if it's something neither of you have ever done before. Like, recently, a client was describing a date that her and her partner went on. They went ax throwing. And neither of them have ever done that before. And they're. They were just. She was describing this and just laughing and just being so excited about the whole thing. She's like, we were terrible. And the ax. It wasn't. It was like. She's describing it. It's. It could have sounded like a terrible experience, but because they were sharing this new, interesting, challenging experience, a little excitement. Because the axes are flying around. Right. It just. It brings something extra to that experience. Another client just the other night was talking about how her and her partner are taking a comedy class together. Like that. I mean, go to a comedy show. Great. They take a comedy class together where you're learning. Oh, so cool. I was like, I gotta try to get my wife to do that.

That sounds amazing.

Amazing.

That's wild. Yeah. You don't need it, Gary. You're already a funny guy.

Thank you, Adam. I appreciate that. I'm still thinking about your Dunkin Donuts date. I'm like, that's. Did you choose the Dunkin Donuts?

Ah, dude, this. I. This is like before I learned the skills I was talking about at the beginning of this. I did. I remember I was in Alston, Massachusetts, in a terrible neighborhood. I mean, it's a nice neighborhood. It's like college neighborhood. And it's just this, like, rundown Dunkin Donuts. And it was like one of those busy Dunkin Donuts. And there's just, like, two. There's just a table there, and we're sitting there. I'd never met her before. I got my, like, iced coffee with, I don't know, probably squirts of syrup in it, and. Oh, God, it was so bad. It was so bad. Who wants to kiss after a date at a Dunkin Donuts? God, was I clueless.

Good for you. You know, you've come a long way. You've come a long way.

You know, you gotta learn these things. You gotta go through the pain. You gotta go through the pain. Well, she went through the real pain because she had to show up at a Dunkin. Don't spick. Really, dude? Thanks, man.

Well. And after what a crappy date that was, you probably had to apologize, which is our last one. That's our seventh skill, right? And so here's the thing. You're human. Everybody listening to this. You're human. Your partner's human. We're going to make mistakes, so just get ready ahead of time with knowing how to apologize. So we're going to talk about this from your perspective because you're the one listening to this podcast. But this is a lot of this about how to apologize is also how to recognize an authentic and good apology as well. And so, you know, sometimes it's your fault. And first step with any good apology is just owning it, right? You have to be authentic. You have to be heartfelt and just really taking ownership. My favorite way to take ownership about these things is to just say something along the lines of when I did whatever it was you did. I wasn't my best self. That wasn't the best version of me. That's not a version of me that I'm proud of and I know I can do better.

Yeah.

And so taking that ownership is really step one. And it's. When you say it that way, I wasn't my best self. That wasn't the best version of me. I'm not proud of what I did in that moment. It shows us a humble nature. It shows that you can recognize when you do things wrong. Super helpful, right? Your partner is going to love to hear it. The other benefit is if you are apologizing in this way and getting good at proper apologies, you're also modeling good behavior. So something I say in relationship Synergy program a lot is give what you want to get. And so if you're showing your partner how to take ownership over things, it creates a norm in your dating relationship and eventually long term relationship for both partners to actually take responsibility for things that they're not doing.

Well. Yeah, look, even taking this a level deeper, there are some people, for whatever reason who just don't like to apologize for things. And there's some people who throw around apologies like crazy. No problem. I tend to be on the side of like, I'll throw around apology all the time. And I used to do it even if I didn't mean it because I'm like, well, whatever, just kind of. And I've stopped doing that because I think it's unnecessary and that sets the wrong precedent. But I'd like to focus on those who are on the other side of it who just can't apologize. And I would take a look at that and where the ego is coming in as to why it is that if you do misstep and you're clearly in the wrong, why is it that you feel like you're giving away power by apologizing? Because I know a number of people who just who are in relationships with other people who just cannot apologize, no matter when it's just like glaringly obvious, oh my God, you had a crazy fit in the, you know, and both men and women have done this like in the middle of a party. You were clearly in the wrong. Just apologize to your partner and it's all done. But they can't do it because for whatever reason, it's like an admission that they are. That there's something wrong with them. And I don't look at apologies as that's not something wrong with me. It's Something wrong that I did, and that's very different. Like, your behaviors are different than your core identity. So rather than always trying to protect your ego and protect your core, just realize that you're gonna make mistakes in life. That's perfectly okay. And it's a wonderful thing to just kind of humble yourself every once in a while and just apologize. It's fine. And then that solves so much. I can. I can name, like, my hand, how many people that if they just heard an apology from their partner, it would solve, like, 90% of the issues in the relationship. Yeah, you know, it's wild to me. It's really wild.

It's like this weird form of perfectionism, I think, where if I admit that I'm wrong, I'm somehow imperfect. And I don't want you to think I'm less perfect because, you know, I need you to think I'm perfect because that's why you're with me. And it's. No one's with you because they actually really think. You know, once you've been together a certain amount of time, your partner's not with you because they think you're perfect. They know you're not perfect. They know better than most people on the earth that you're not perfect, but they're with you anyway, and so you have to remember that piece, you know? So I think step one is taking authentic responsibility. I. I think step two of any good apology is show your partner that you understand things from their perspective. I know you were upset with what I said because. And then, you know, try to explain your understanding of what they were experiencing. Because if your partner feels like you actually truly understand how they felt, all of a sudden, it's like, okay, they really. This isn't authentic. This isn't just one of those apologies you just kind of throw around, like, I'm sorry, let's get over it. Right? Because some apologies, like Adam just suggested, are kind of like that. It's not really a sorry. It's I'm sorry, get over it. And you're throwing apologies around it. That's really all you're saying, is, like, I don't want you to be mad at me about this anymore, so just get over it. But if you explain why they feel a certain way, that's super helpful. Now, you're not always going to know how they feel. And so if you don't know how they feel, ask, you know, what about this situation am I missing? What am I not understanding here? What do I have to learn here? And you can see the phrasing of all three of those isn't blaming them. It's putting the ownership again on you. What am I missing? What don't I understand? What do I need to learn? And then you give your partner a chance to explain.

Yeah.

Then the last piece, the third piece of any good apology is the do better next time and doing better next time. Explaining the better next time is specific next time when this happens, I'm going to. And then something specific, not just a I'm just going to do better. No, no. How specifically when you say that. I'm not going to jump to conclusions. I'm going to pause. I'm going to understand this, whatever it happens to be. But it's, it's very specific about how you're going to change your behavior next time.

Yep. And just to kind of round this out, based on a television show that my wife is making me watch, which is Vanderpump Rules, I believe is the name of it. Have you ever seen it? It's a reality TV show. Well, let me tell you, this show has sucked me in so much, it's so stupid. Oh, my God. For those who do watch Vanderpump, you'll, you'll get this. But there was a fight that the couple was having. I don't know the names of either of them because these people are just total. Oh, God, I can't stand these people. But I still love watching them. This, this married couple got in a fight and the guy was in the wrong. He like blew up on her at a store and it was like really inappropriate what he did. Then later that. And she was also egging him on a bit. Just this important part of the story. But then they get back to their room later that night and he's like, look, I just want to really apologize. I was inappropriate. I understand. He did all these things. And she's like, here's the kicker though. She's like, yeah, you should be apologizing. And I think that there's something to an apology if you receive an apology to reciprocate in some way, shape or form at the end. Because very rarely is it just one sided. Very rarely. Just the only thing she could have just said is, you're right. And I don't think I handled it well at the very end when I told you to just shut up. And she did like, just, just a little gift. And I think there's like a final uniter in a relationship where both people are humbling themselves and finally just coming together and like yeah, we're both wrong. Like, yeah, you were clearly more wrong.

Right.

But I also played a part in this. Then you can both walk away and be like, but I just think there's nothing worse than an apology that's just completely one sided and the person's like, yeah, thanks for that apology.

Right? Yeah, I think it's, it's like the classic, you know, insurance adjuster in a car accident. It's never 100% somebody's fault. There's always a percentage. And it might be 90, 10, it might be 95, 5. But own your piece, whatever your piece is. Your partner apologizes to you. There's a little piece in there somewhere where you could have been a little bit more understanding or not poke them or not threw gas on the fire or whatever. There's always a little something. There's. Oh, it's a, it's a two sided thing. Right? People can't have full on wrongness by entirely by themselves.

I agree. Well, Gary, I want to apologize to you for making you do this long podcast with the flu, but this was awesome. I really appreciate it. And for all those, hopefully you got a lot out of this and we'll speak to you soon. All right, later, Gary.

Thanks, Adam.

All right, so now we're at the end of the podcast and hopefully you got a lot of really great information from this podcast. But as we know, information can only take you so far. It's time to take some action. So what I recommend you do now is head on over to loveapply.com it's going to walk you through a series of questions and then you'll be able to book what we call a complimentary love strategy session. Yes, you've heard it. Someone on my team is going to get on a phone call with you, be able to understand your situation, what it is that you're struggling with in your love life, and create that strategy to help you attract that man, that relationship you truly deserve. So take that action. Go make it happen. We cannot wait to speak with you, Love apply dot com. And yeah, let's help you create that love life you truly deserve. All right, speak soon.

Bye. Bye.