7 Secrets to Attracting Love as a Successful Woman

Hey there, everyone. Before we start the podcast, as you all know, there's a lot of bad dating and love advice out there, and we want to put a stop to that. So if you're enjoying this podcast, you enjoy the content that we're putting out, please can you leave a review wherever it is that you're listening to this podcast, it spreads a lot of love, and it really helps get this message out there so we can help more women, just like you, attract the love that they truly deserve. Go ahead and leave that review and let's jump into the podcast. It's okay to be the attorney who crushes it in the courtroom, while at the same time, on the weekends, you love to ride Harley Davidsons. Like, that would be a contradictory character. Those are two very contradictory things, and both are super interesting in their own right, but when you actually put them together in the same person, it actually makes that person much more interesting and attractive. All right, Gary. Today we're going to be talking about the seven secrets to attracting love as a successful woman. And I find it ironic that we both are matching today and look like a bunch of, like, farmer hobos. Nothing against farmers, but I feel like we should have dressed up a little bit better for this podcast today. Don't you think?

We look like rustic Midwesterners?

Oh, I like that.

We, we look like we should be drinking some pumpkin spice around a campfire. I don't know. You look adorable. That's all I'm saying.

Oh, you're too kind. You're too kind. I appreciate it. No, I, I. There's something about flannel this time of year. It's just like, it's cozy. It's col out. Man, it got cold too early this year.

I really think it got cold. And it's like we finally just lost here in, you know, we're coastal New Jersey outside of New York City. The leaves were on the trees. It was beautiful last weekend and like it. And now it's just, it looks like winter just all of a sudden. Winter.

Yeah, it's just Jess, Jess always calls this time of year just death time of year. She just, like, she's such a summer person. She's like, this is just like death, disease and horrible. I'm like, I love the fall. I love the winter. I think it's such a great time of year, but I always got to get her out. We, we gonna do a nice trip to Aruba in a week because she just gets sad, you know, legit this time of year. Aruba helps.

I find Aruba helps. Sadness does.

It goes from sad to happy. It's great. All right, so let's talk about some of these secrets, because I feel like this is a big topic and so many of our clients are incredibly women, and I think we can really leverage a lot of the things that made them successful in their career and leverage those things in their love life. But also we need to rethink some of those things as well. So I think those who are successful, high powered women are going to get a lot from this podcast today.

Yeah, I think, you know, there's people that are. Are usually in two camps. You're either already successful or you're hoping to be successful.

Right.

A lot of traits that go into achieving that success, and a lot of times, at least what we hear from our clients is sometimes it can feel like some of those same traits that help you in your corporate world or in your career actually are counterproductive and hold you back in your love life. And so really what we're going to do today is like, figure out how to thread the needle and kind of make those traits work for you both in your career and in your love life.

Yeah, yeah, I think that's. That's really big. So shall we just jump into it, or is there any other teaser you want to talk about before we dive in?

The only other thing I would say about this, and we talked about this a little bit before we came on, it's like we talk about a lot of topics on this podcast and this one. Like, we are offering some stuff that I have not seen anywhere else. Like, you know, you look at the Internet and people always have tips and tricks and all this stuff for all kinds of things. But it's like a lot of the stuff we're. We're talking about some things today that are completely different and things you're just not going to hear anywhere else, which is nice. I. I like, I really, I'm excited. I'm excited for today.

Yeah, me too. I think it's fun. Like, I really like where Love Strategies as a company, as a brand, where we're heading, because, like, when I first started this company, it was, what, 12 years ago, just starting coaching for women. And we, because I was younger, we were attracting a lot of younger audiences. And there's nothing wrong with. I think it's great. Like, I had a lot of, like, even teenagers following me and getting dating advice and like, seven texts to send a guy to make him fall in love with you, all that stuff. But now so many of our clients. I don't know if it's the gray hair or what, but like, we just tend to be attracting a much more affluent group of women, a little bit older age group, a lot more serious. And I like it. I, I feel like it's, it's very aligned and not many people are on the, not many coaches out there are appealing to that type of clientele. So I really want to continue to lean into that. Not to say that if you're not affluent, you can't listen to us and get a lot out of it, but it's just kind of a fun niche that we found ourselves in at this point.

Yeah, it's. I like it. It's very. Our clients, if I come up with one where it's like sophisticated, right? It's like they're all so smart and they're also accomplished. And it's like, you know, you hear them say, like, am I in my personal life? I'm doing. And it's like they're so high achieving. It's all super, super impressive. But it's also just a good reminder that as impressive as we can be in one area of life, like, relationships are still complicated and a little bit tricky for folks. And so, so, you know, that's what's really nice about what we do, is we get to help people with the most important area of their entire life.

Amen. Amen. So why don't we jump into the first one, which is a huge secret to attracting love as a successful person, is that you actually want some men not to like you. And I think this can be really, really hard for a lot of successful people in general, because successful people want to be liked. They want to be loved by everyone. I think that's what fuels a lot of people towards success. But in dating, we don't want to win over everybody. Right, Gary?

Yeah. And this is one that I think people struggle with a lot because who doesn't want everyone to like you? And we get kind of like upset with ourselves if someone doesn't like us. And it's almost like we start paying more attention to the people that don't like us. Like, how can we win that person over? And it's, it's like, it's the wrong approach. In dating, if you're trying to get everybody to like you, you're. That you're definitely attracting people who you're not compatible with because you can't be compatible with everyone. And so you have to have filters and ways and strategies to make sure you're differentiating the people that are actually going to be compatible with you from the ones who won't. And so when people don't like you and find your online profile off putting or your attitude off putting, great, that's fine. They're just, they're not for you anyway. And you might as well figure that out now rather than wait 10 years. Years.

Well, let's go back to the insanity that was Adam Lolce back when I was single, before I was a coach and everything, because let me tell you, the 10% of women that really didn't like me and weren't interested in me, when, before I, I discovered everything we teach, understood all these concepts, I would focus 90 of my energy on winning over those 10 that didn't like me because I just. Oh, like that just annoyed me. Why wasn't she into me? What is, what, what's going on here? So what can I do to get her to like me? And then one day, this was probably 15, 16 years ago. I don't know, once I, maybe once I hit 25 and I just grew up a little bit, I just realized, why don't I put a hundred percent of my energy into the 90% of women who are generally somewhat interested, you know, not all of them are interested. And by the way, I'm making up this number. 10, 90%, I don't know, probably only 50% really like me or 20%, who cares? But why not put all of my energy into the ones that are actually interested and then those who aren't interested in me are just dead to me. And that's okay. Like in a wonderful way, like you're dead. You can go live your own life, that's great, but you're not for me. And, and that's okay. And I think that's such a winning attitude. It declutters your love life so much and it allows you to just emotionally enjoy the process. Because if all of our energy is just focused on the people that don't like us, and that's what successful people do, they want to win over people. It's just going to lead us to constant heartbreak and pain throughout the process.

Yeah, you just have to kind of hone in on something else that successful people do, which is they stay focused. They're not trying to win over everybody. Their products aren't for everybody. You pick a target market and so successful people stay focused. They keep their eye on the prize. And so with you, whatever the percentages are, even if it's just 5% of people out there find you appealing, you Put a hundred percent into that 5%, and that's where success comes from.

That feels like a better number for me. Probably.

Three and a half, maybe 3.7. I don't want to get too specific, so I rounded up.

But, yeah, it's not zero. It's not zero. So I. I don't think. At least, I don't know. I mean, I happen to get one woman to make the biggest decision of her life and mistake of her life and marry me. So that seemed to work out.

As funny as that is, that's a really important point, too, right? It's like, it's not zero. It's not zero for anybody, and it only takes one. But it's like, if you're trying to put your attention into everybody, you're going to miss that one. And you want to have a hundred percent of your attention given to the one person that matters.

Yeah.

And like a lot of these things that we talk about on. On our podcast, it's a lot of it's inspired by our clients and. And things that our clients have said and some of the stories that they shared with us. And so this is. Actually, this one in particular was inspired by a woman, Beth. Not her real name, real name, obviously, but she was talking about, on one of our masterminds, how she went on a meetup with someone and she wasn't really sure she was compatible with this guy. And it was good. It wasn't great. And he asked her out again. But before her second meetup, like, she was excited, you know, she's like, okay, I'll go. On the second meetup, he actually texted her and said, quote, I think you're really pretty and sweet, and we had a good connection, but I met someone else I want to see again, and I'd rather date one person at a time. And so she was explaining this, and she's like, oh, that stung. Right? And it's like, even with the compliment, like, it's still hurt. And then she was explaining how she's like, I wasn't even sure about you. How is it if I'm not sure about you? You get to dump me, you get to reject me. It's just like. But then it's like, that's. That's not a good mentality. That's like trying to get everybody to like you. Like, she didn't even like him, but she's now upset that he said no to someone she doesn't even like. So then she. She had been in the program for a little while, and she's like, you know what I realized my second thought was, you know, I knew you're not compatible with me. Like, and she was explaining this guy did, like, different kinds of drugs that she wasn't into and all this stuff. And what she realized is by him not liking her, it just brings her closer to the right guy. This, this guy had actually done her a favor because it's speed. It's going to speed up her process and allow her to put her energy into the guys that really matter. And it's like, that's the switch. That's the transformation that we're suggesting here is like, realize that. Put your energy into the ones that really matter. And you're not trying to get everybody to like you. As painful as that seems, as counterintuitive as that seems up front.

Yeah. And there's, there's just, there's a psychological bias that occurs when someone suddenly doesn't like you anymore. It makes you want to win them over. We value what it is that is hard to attain. So suddenly, the moment that this guy was like, you know what? I'm actually not interested suddenly, like in the lizard part of our brain, it switches us this, it flips the switch and it tells us like, oh, maybe he is a high value guy. Maybe I should actually go after him. When in reality, you're chasing the wrong, you're chasing a dragon here, you're chasing the wrong thing. And if you can just catch yourself and be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm not gonna fall for that trap. It really is a trap and it's really a decision. You can make that decision to say, I'm not going down that rabbit hole. I love that she said rabbit hole. Because that is like the old, like I said earlier, like, I would fall into that rabbit hole so much because I'm competitive and I don't like to lose and I don't like when someone doesn't like me, so then I'm going to go down that road. And then again, you can just flip the switch. Everyone listening right now. If you fall into that trap, just decide not to. Just decide not to. The moment someone doesn't like you anymore, they're not interested in you. If they're not attracted to you, whatever, like, they're gone. Just remove them. And like the enlightenment period in your love life is actually the moment someone's not attracted to you is actually unattractive to you. When someone's not attracted to you and they're not interested, suddenly they become unattractive. And that took a few years for me to get to that level where I was just like, it's not even like I have to fight going down that rabbit hole anymore. And now it's at a point where I'm just like, I'm not into, all right, she doesn't like me. Ugh, why do I want anything to do with her? Moving on. And then that's. That's where you can really get to the next level. And dating becomes really fun. Are you tired of committing your heart to a man who only just pulls away? Well, if so, we have a very special presentation that's available to our podcast listeners. It's at a special link. It's called He Commits. And it's going to walk you through the five secret strategies that make men commit. Head on over to he commits dot com. It's only available for a short period of time. I think you're gonna like it a lot. All right, back to the podcast.

Well, what I really like about that particular anecdote is, like, you see the life cycle of her experience all at once. It's like she was realizing she was doing something wrong. She had the ability to recognize the pattern, and then she had an ability to, like, shift her mindset around that pattern in a healthy and productive way. And so it's like, we talk a lot about strategies, but a huge part of strategy is having the right mindset and being able to recognize bad patterns and do something about them. And so that's really what all of this is about. But it's like to see her kind of all in real time go through that and be like, this was a problem. Ah, wait a second. Wait, what am I. Oh, I'm doing that thing again. And here's what I really need to be thinking, like, is the beautiful thing to see.

Yeah, yeah. Which kind of, I think, segues into as far as mindset. Our second point, which is I think a lot of successful people in general are very good at setting goals. And that's great because you have fitness goals, you have your financial goals, you have career goals, everything in your life, and you're always optimizing for that. And I think that's really helpful, except in relationships, because when it comes to relationships, having a very specific, like, there are two different types of goals, we can talk about that. But having a very specific outcome goal, as in, I need to be in a relationship and a committed relationship by Christmas, or, you know, I need to be married by time I'm 39. Or I need to be having children by this point, it Actually cripples you. It's not a very helpful goal to have. And so what we always say is we, we don't focus on the outcome goal, and we call this having outcome independence. Don't worry so much about the outcome, but focus on very tangible goals, like behavioral goals that will get you to that ultimate outcome. So, for example, a good goal to set, or I might just call it. Yeah, yeah. A good goal to set would be, how many guys, new guys, are you going to meet this month? We call that a social score. So I'm going to set a goal to go out and meet five new guys this upcoming month that could be on a. A first date or a meetup from online dating. It could be just some guys at a networking event or anything like that. These are goals that are within your control. You can't control when you end up in a relationship. Ultimately. Like, that could happen in three months, that could happen in three years, but you can control how many new guys that you meet. So it's just a little bit of a shift in your goal setting and the way that you think about all this. Yeah.

And it's just recognizing what you can and can't control. Like, that's. The other thing is, I think successful people, generally, they're probably successful because they are able to control a lot. And so you kind of get accustomed to being able to control everything. And like, relationships are that one thing. Like, you don't. You can control half of it, you don't control the other half. And that's what makes them, like, difficult and amazing at the same time. And so realize and recognize like you do, you. You control yourself and set yourself up for success, and then what happens happens. And if you keep doing the right thing long enough, you will find success. And if you don't find success, it's like, okay, I did everything I was supposed to do. I was setting myself up for success in my relationships, and it just didn't work out.

I.

His loss. Moving on to the next one, and I'll figure it out. And, you know, we said this a little bit at the top, but, like, so much of what I like about today's topic is this. These are things that you're doing as a successful person in life that can help your relationship and vice versa. And so one of our clients, she was talking about this idea of outcome independence, and she was talking about how she's gotten really good at this in her relationship. But then what she's developed as a relationship skill has also spilled over into her professional Life where she was talking about how, you know, she has a lot of projects and has to submit proposals and all this kind of stuff for her job. And what she's realized was, you know, this process used to stress her out all the time and she would take the failures really, really hard. And what she realized from learning about outcome independence in her relationships is like, do her best. Like, she's going to do her best work, put forth her best effort, do all these great things, and then, you know, if she gets funded for her proposal, she gets funded. And if it goes well, it just, it has helped her. Like, what you learn about relationships can help in life, and what you can learn in life can help in relationships. And sort of like seeing that bi directional stuff we hear from our clients all the time how, like, by helping their relationships, it's spilled over to help so many other areas of their life. And I think that's something people don't often realize.

I agree. I mean, I, I can relate to this as a business owner. Like, it's really good to have an ultimate outcome goal. Like, we're coming towards the end of the year, we're going to have financial goals for the year, we're going to have results goals for our clients. There's all these things that go into these outcome goals. But then once you set it, then let's. Once it's set, then just look at the behaviors. What are the behaviors that get us there? And then you almost don't even check in with the outcome goal. Maybe once a quarter, you know, maybe one really, once a year, ultimately. And focus all of your energy on what are the behaviors, what are the actual things that we need to be doing in order to service our clients, what do we need to do in order to attract more clients? What do we need to do to make our podcast better? It's like, do we need to do two podcasts a week or do we need to do three or do we need to do one? You know, focus all of our energy there. And I think the same thing is in our love life. Yeah, little love. Step number two in our process is to create a love vision to get crystal clear about the man relationship you want and know exactly what it is that we're going after. Because if you don't know, if you don't have a bullseye, you're going to miss it every single time. But once you have that bullseye, then it's kind of like, now focus 100 of your energy on the behaviors to getting there. Usually that is just getting Your beautiful behind off of the couch and going out, meeting lots of guys means following our strategies, using a lot of the strategies, actually implementing them, coming to masterminds, doing the work, and, and so many people just don't want to do the work. They want to focus on the outcome goal, and it stresses them out and it keeps them stuck. So if you get anything from today's podcast, be. Be willing to actually put in the effort and make those behaviors a reality. Like, that's what actually gets the outcome. Yeah.

And I would also just add to that is like, when you're too outcome focused, it just encourages you to take shortcuts. And when you take shortcuts, you're just not going to end up with the quality that you actually want. Right. It's. It's just not sustainable. And ultimately, when it comes to relationships, you want long term, fulfilling, sustainable relationships. And so shortcuts aren't going to cut it.

Yeah, yeah. And a shortcut would be like, just before we move on to the next point, let's say you have a goal to be in a relationship by Christmas. And then you go out and you go out with two guys, One of them is like, okay, and you're like, you know what? I have a goal. Want to be in a relationship by Christmas. I'm going to choose Brad. Even though Brad is completely lame and going to be a terrible partner. You've achieved your goal, but to what freaking aim? Like, what are we talking about here? Like, what a silly, silly goal. I, I honestly, I despise relationship goals with dates. Like when to be in a committed relationship and when to be married. We have so many. We have many clients who are in their late 30s who want to have children. I get it. It's like you're. You're up against a certain timeline, and we can understand that timeline and then talk about it for a minute. But then once we have determined what our behaviors are, to get to that timeline, we need to forget about it, because that pressure is going to kill you. It's going to demolish you throughout the process. It's too much pressure. It's going to get in your head and it's going to cause you. Every single day, every single moment, interaction you have, you're going to be thinking that in the back of your mind, and it's going to just actually paralyze you in those situations.

Yeah. It leads to bad decision making. For sure.

It does. Yeah. Take us to number three, Gary.

All right, so the next one is don't take the bait and what that means is if you're accustomed to being successful, there's a lot of things that go into success. And a lot of it's hard work. A lot of it's taking problems and turning them into opportunities, kind of spinning straw into gold, so to speak. The thing is, you're not obligated. You don't want everybody to like you. We covered that. Number one. This is number. Number three is like, you're not obligated to make every relationship work. Some of them are going to work and some of them aren't. And so when we say don't take the bait, don't take debate is things that guys will say. And one of them, for example, is, let's just keep things casual. Right? This is the casual trap. And so this is dating a guy casually and keeping things loose and fun and just kind of yet hoping that you're going to be able to turn him and, like, change his mind. And what you have to realize, though, is what he's really saying is, like, let's do couple things without being a couple. And those couple things, it's usually like, physical intimacy stuff. And what he's ultimately saying is, I really want to remain steadfastly, steadfastly committed to not being committed to you.

See.

This for what it is without, like, having that part of your brain kind of go on. It's like, well, he says he's casual for now. Like, I can fix this. I can change this. I can solve this problem.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, the moment a guy says, I just want to keep it casual, he is kind of absolved himself from that point forward. If this is a casual relationship, like, if at that point you hear that and you translate that into, well, maybe he's going to want a relationship later or so on, so forth. I'm going to just keep with this. I'm going to keep spending time with him. That's on you at that stage because he has told you he wants to keep it casual and doesn't want a relationship at this point. That's not a subtle indicator for you to work harder and try to get him to come around. Very rarely do those situations come around very, very rarely. And he's going out of his way to see, say, let's keep it casual. That is not time to go into, like, CEO mode. Let's fix this. That's like, time to go into CEO mode. Let's fire this person because they're not right for the position. Right? Like, don't go into that fixing mode. So, yeah, I mean, I just think it was really interesting. I was in a phase of my life where I was. I don't mean to keep talking about myself today, but I try to at least relate it to single guys, and. And hopefully you can get something from this for our audience. But I remember I was at a stage in my life where I was speaking a lot, I was traveling, and I just didn't want a relationship. And there was this one woman that was like, we were casually dating, or we went on a few dates or whatever, and I told her really specifically. I'm like, hey, I'm really not a stage where I'm looking for anything serious. And I just saw, like, a twinkle in her eye where she started leaning in even more. And it had to get to a point where I had to break it off, because I knew, like, the things that she was saying. She wanted to have a family, she wanted to get married. She wanted to do all these things. And I'm like, I. I had to be like, I don't want that. So this is over. Like, I don't want that. I don't know how else to say. Like, I want to keep. I want to keep it casual. And I. And we did for a little bit, and then I finally had to just break it off to save her. And I think most guys wouldn't do that. They'd be like, hey, I can, you know. Right. Keep going with this for as long as I can.

And.

And that's great. But, like, that wasn't cool with me because I knew that it wasn't right for her. But again, I just don't allow that moment to happen where you hear that and you're like, oh, I think I can get this guy to come around because he's not. He's not well.

And I like how you put it in terms of, like, going CEO mode. Right. Because it's kind of like, I see a lot of these things that guys can say that lead women to take the bait as, like, let's get out the whiteboard. Let's plot this out. Let's diagram this. Like, we can fix this. And it's like, it's him saying, let's keep things casual. There's other ways he says it, too, which is, I'm not quite ready yet.

Yeah.

Because again, it's like, oh, I can make you ready. Or, you know, sometimes a guy will say. He doesn't actually come right out and say this, but he basically says something like, I don't have a lot to give. Or like, I Can't give you ever. Like, it's like, it's that scarcity thing again, where it's like, he doesn't have enough time. Maybe he just got out of a bad relationship or recently divorced or has kid problems. And it's like, he doesn't have a lot of emotional bandwidth. And so it's like, again, it's like he's. Can only give you crumbs, but it's like, no, no, no. I can. I can rise to this challenge. And you take debates. Like, I can take all those crumbs and I can put them together and I can make something out of it. I can do this. I can do this. And it's like, again, like, that's not. This is not the time or the place. This is not the time to CEO mode and go into this.

And I think a CEO, if an employee said that to you, you'd be like, you're fired. Take the emotion out of it. Like, take the emotion out of it. And someone's just like, well, I don't know. I have got a lot on my plate, and. And this happens, like, as we're growing as a company, I see this a lot. Like, things come up in people's lives, and they're just like, I don't have a lot of time. I don't have a lot of emotional bandwidth for this role. This is a lot. And it's like, well, I need this role. So it's. It's not a fit. And the longer you kind of try and make it a fit, the longer you're actually just delaying any level of fulfillment for both of you. So it's like CEOs, honestly, I think in that scenario would just be, like, heartless cut. Like, you gotta cut. That's hard to do well.

And, you know, it comes back to making sure you're putting yourself first, right? It's like, you have to keep the number one thing. The number one thing. And it's like, why do you want a relationship in the first place? You want a relationship with someone else who has a full, complete life, just like you do, that you both want to share together. And it's like when they're saying, I'm not ready. I'm not ready for commitment. I don't have everything to give. They're basically saying, I'm not a full, complete person. It's like, but. And you have to remember, like, that's actually what you want. And I think what makes this so hard and why it's so easy for people to take debate is when you're successful, like you don't like to fail. And so you can you see any problem as another challenge to kind of prove yourself. And you'll do anything to make things work. And it's a mistake because the time and energy you're spending on these little projects is time taken away from the relationship that you really want and spending time again. It goes back to that, like that 5%, give a hundred percent of your effort to that 5% and make sure you're doing the right thing.

Yeah, I love it. I love it. All right, let's move forward.

Yeah. So the other thing I think that's important for successful women number four here is have more layers. And so you're high powered, you're assertive, you're over cheating, overachieving your badass. And that's great, but you have to be more than that, right? It's, it's, it's. That works really, really well in your career. But like in life it, you have to be more nuanced, have to be, have more subtlety to things. And so I think you want to develop like a delightful complexity where it's like you have a blend of your energy and your approach where you have like your assertive, take charge side, but you also have your emotional reactive and passive side. And both are functional, both are useful, both are helpful in life. And so I think the mistake that successful people make is that hard charging side of them has been so successful that they just lean into that and at all times without realizing, like, you know what, there's other areas of my life. I don't have to be that person. I can take time off from being that person.

Yeah, I think of like I was mingling in like a certain circle for a while when I was single. And I remember I started hanging out with a bunch of lawyers, like female lawyers. And I just remember very specifically because my mother's a lawyer, an attorney, and there's just something about this outer shell that they would all have of like profession, like just professionalism when you be in social context. And I remember like, I don't know, it's been a long time since I thought of this where one woman was just trying to bring that level of like professionalism talking about her career and what is she's doing. I think that's all great and interesting to a certain degree. But I remember thinking to myself, like, can you just drop, drop the act, like drop the facade a little bit, like it's okay. Like I get it, you're, you're amazing. You are super impressive, and that's awesome. And I'm very interested in them, attracted to that. But, like, who the hell are you? Like, drop the act. It's. It's okay. And something we talk a lot about in Little Love, step number one, when we first start working with clients is this idea of having contradictory characteristics. Like, it's okay to be the attorney who crushes it in the courtroom, while at the same time, on the weekends, you love to ride Harley Davidson's. Like, that would be a contradictory character. Those are two very contradictory things, and both are super interesting in their own right. But when you actually put them together in the same person, it actually makes that person much more interesting and attractive. And I think a lot of us, when, professionally, when we're successful, we lean into all of which is in our career. Everything is career focused. And we forget about that other side of us, that we're all human. We all have many layers of complexity. So don't be afraid to share that. Don't be afraid to be the attorney who might be artistic and wear kind of a crazy artistic shirt. And I want a guy when he's talking to you, he walks away. He's like, I can't figure her out. She's really, she's really interesting. I, I've never met anyone who is like that because you have contradictory characteristics. And so, yeah, I think that that's a trap a lot of very successful people fall into.

Yeah, it's something we call in research, self complexity. Right. And it's, it's really just like having being multifaceted, moving beyond, like, don't be basic. Right. Move beyond being basic and have a little bit more substance to you. And it's like, you know, some of it's drop the act, and some of it's just drop the armor. Like, you get armored up in your career to do certain things, and it's like, you don't always need that. You know, people who listen to the podcast a lot know something we say a lot is follow your heart, but bring a little strategy with you. And we, we say that. Or I, I, I'll take, I say that a lot because I think it really blends this balance idea where it's like, follow your heart. Like, you gotta have that emotional side, but, like, you also need to have the strategic side where it's like that combination of both being thoughtful and emotional. Like, that's what you want. Like, conscientious connection. Like, be smart about how you're connecting with people, and then that's you know, in the most general sense, what we're trying to. Trying to help with.

Yeah. And for those who are listening, who are like, I am the career woman. That's everything I got going. I don't have any hobbies. I don't have any interests. That's okay, but start finding something that you can at least speak about. Like, I have my guitar here, right here. I am a terrible guitarist. Like, I can play a few different chords, all right? But if this is my only hobby, I happen to have other hobbies. Like, I like kite surfing, stuff like that. If this was the only thing I had, I don't care if I could play four chords. I'd be going on a date and be like, I love music so much. Like, I. I play, I've been playing the guitar. I'm really passionate about it. I'm really excited. Doesn't mean you have to be good at it. Doesn't mean that's okay. You have to be good at things. Just have something that you can speak about that's really interesting, that's outside of your career, and suddenly it creates this complexity that Gary's talking about.

Yeah, absolutely. And so, you know, moving on to number five for our successful women is this is going to sound odd, but do as little as possible, especially early on. Right. And I know a lot of people think, like, wait, what? Like. And so really what we're saying is you're probably an overachiever in much of your life, but you don't want to be a relate relationship overachiever. Like, don't be the one who plans everything. And like, always, you know, takes initiative to, you know, send that text or make that call. Like, lean back so he can step forward.

Can I just throw in a caveat to this? Because I know you use the word relationship inter. You interplay that with dating and relationships. We've talked about this a number of times. I would say don't be a dating overachiever. When you're in a relationship, once you're a little love step number six, and it's exclusive, I think a lot of this advice changes because once you're in a relationship, I think it's very much so. Both people are putting their whole heart into the relationship. They thus, like, one plus one equals three. But when you're dating, when you're just getting out there meeting lots of different guys and it's not yet exclusive or what we call little love step number six, lean back. Like, go out there, meet lots of guys. But then from that stage forward, See who steps up to the plate. And that is very, very hard for a lot of successful women.

Yeah, no, I think you're exactly right. Early on in relationships or dating. Right. It's like, don't give more than he's willing to give you. Right. Like your affection and attention can't be automatic. It can't be easily earned, it can't be implied. It's got to be something he works for and earns.

Yeah, right. All right, so shall we go to number six?

Sure. So number six is, you know, being successful is all about optimizing. So in dating, what are you optimizing for? And a mistake people make is that they usually optimize for the short term. They're optimizing for what's going to happen on the next date or the next weekend. And really what you should do is instead have a longer range outlook. Optimize for the Future. Think about 30 years in the future instead of three weeks or three months into the future.

Yeah, there's a, there's a podcaster I listen to. I think I've told you about him, this guy, Alex Hermosi. He's like a big, bulky business guy, whatever. But I gotta give him credit for this because he really has changed my approach. And he always says like, you'll know how successful someone is in their business when you hear the timeline in which they discuss their goals. So if a business owner is talking about, oh, I need to, you know, grow the business for next month, well, you know that that person is not going to be very successful versus someone who's like, I want to grow an empire for the next 10 years or 20 years. If they're talking about in time horizons of 10, 20 years now you're going to see a very successful business owner. And I think the same applies. And there's a lot of what we talk about in love accelerat with our clients, same thing applies with their love life. If people are just bouncing from one relationship to another, it means they're optimizing for short term, short term needs and they're not thinking about the next three years. They're not the next 30 years. Like when you start zooming out far enough into your life, it changes your actions. If you're like, well, what would you say 30 years from now? Looking back at this moment, what would, what would the 80 year old self say to you about this situation right suddenly now that changes the whole, the whole like decision making matrix here. It just changes everything. So that's a huge part of all this. Is zooming out on your love life and optimize for what it is you really want in the long term. I think dating in particular is really hard to do that because we just, you know, we're, we're primates. We're just like drawn. We're just like drawn to someone. We're just like, oh, he's really hot. I want him now. He's tall, handsome, he's charming. Oh, I like that. He has a nice watch. Oh my God.

I think that brings up another key piece of this, which is, you know, when you're optimizing for things in business, you also know, like, your metrics have to match what matters. And so if you're thinking long term, what you're measuring, and your metrics for long term success have to match that too. And so if you're really thinking long term in relationships, you're focused on character strengths, you're focused on personality, you're focused on compatibility. Right? You're, you're focused on those best friend qualities because that's what's important. For long term, you're not focused on abs, how tall they are, their bank account, do they drive a Porsche? Like, you're not focused on all that stuff. Yeah, because the metrics, like, those things as metrics, that's all short term stuff and that's going to go away. And so what really matters long term, are they dependable? Are they patient? Are there, are they kind? Are they a good listener? Are they supportive of you? Are they respectful? Like, when you think long term and you optimize for the future, all of a sudden all of those qualities become much more important. And the like, charismatic, narcissistic qualities that are very easy to fall for all of a sudden become much less important. Important.

Yeah. And it's not to say, like, hey, if you want to be with a guy who's a certain height, who's got abs, who's well off, by all means, like, go for it. I mean, Gary and I, I can speak. Gary's wife's beautiful. I, I married a beautiful woman. Like, I think, like, having those qualities is helpful and nice. When you're going out there and dating, it's nice to, to be going after those types of things. But the other qualities that Gary just talked about, those are the deal breakers. Like, that has to be the deal breaker. The other things are like wants. Yeah, it's great to be with someone that has that six pack, who's six foot three, all of those things. If that's what you're going for, but that's just a want. The deal breakers are the. That he's respectful to you, that he's, he's respectful toward you, that he's caring that you want the same things, you have the same value systems. And that is ultimately what is going to lead towards long term success. Because we all know those abs. It's going to turn from a six pack to a one pack real quick, I promise you within a month after your wedding, guy who's never had a six pack. So, you know, I can't speak to that. But.

Yeah, honeymoons are bad for six packs anyway.

So they are, they are actually like my best friend. I, I married them recently and they just got back from their honeymoon in Italy and he's like, dude, I just gained like 20 pounds. Like, and he was like, he's six three. I think I talked about him on a recent podcast. Anyways, yeah, so, so.

All right.

Take us home, Gary.

The Last quality. And it very much dovetails off of this, you know, thinking long term is this idea that to be successful in relationships, patience is power. And that's hard because successful people are impatient. They want to think, they want things to move, they want things done yesterday, they want, they want things to go fast. And I think most people want things to happen quicker because a lot of times, and when it comes to relationships, you want to be in a relationship so bad because you're sick of feeling lonely, you don't want to feel incomplete. And like, that's a bad feeling. So you want to fix it, like right now. But the important thing to know is that quick doesn't lead to quality, fast doesn't lead to fulfillment. And so you have to take it slow. The lower at first the better in some ways, because when you take things slow, you learn more information. And then the fear that people have is like, but if I take things slow, he's gonna go away. Only the wrong guys. The wrong guys will go away. They're gonna, they're gonna get impatient because they're optimizing on short term qualities. And so they're just not gonna be willing to stick around. But if you go slow, the right guys are gonna be willing to stick around for that.

Yeah, well, there's like just again, relating this to business because I feel like that's, that's kind of the theme of today's podcast. I feel like in Silicon Valley there's two different types of philosophies when it comes to, like, product creation. One is just like, screw it, launch it. Like, just launch it. And see what happens. You know, just build it and then throw it out there and let's get some feedback. And the other is more like. So that would be like Facebook does that. Like they just create new features and just see what happens if it breaks, whatever. And then there's other products, I would say, like, like a Tesla or SpaceX or even Apple. Like Apple doesn't just create a new product and then just throw it out there and be like, oh, and see if it works. They put a lot of activity up front, they build something really nice and then they finally put it out there. I think the same thing is in with our dating life. I don't know if this analogy works, but work with me here. But I think the same thing is like put a lot of. Just going slow doesn't mean don't do anything. Going slow just means don't jump into anything too quickly in a committed relationship until you know it's right for you. So all the while when you're moving really slow, just like Apple spends a lot of time building that iPhone, that perfect iPhone, they're not just moving slow at doing that, they're doing a lot of stuff at the same time. They're just moving slow before they launch it. AKA get married or move in with a guy. Is this analogy hitting? I don't know. Yeah. Explaining it this way, I think, you.

Know, what people really want to decide is like, do you want to go fast or do you want to go far? Right. And if you want to go fast, that encourages shortcuts and encourages one sided relationships where it's like, if he's not doing enough and you're impatient, you're like, that's okay, I'll pick up all the slack. I'll do 80% of the work in this relationship. And you let him get by with doing 20. And like that's going to work for a short period of time, but that's not going to be long term sustainable. Going far is dating someone who's really your equal. It's dating someone who's your equal in terms of status and stature and intelligence and all those good qualities, but also someone who's equal in terms of putting effort in. And so that takes time. And so, you know, we try to encourage people when they first start dating, like sometimes, like you're so into somebody you want to see them four times in the first week. And it's like you can see them four times, but just not all in the first week. Like slow it down because time gives you a chance to Reflect. It gives you a chance to gain some perspective, and it gives you a chance to learn more about the person before all those crazy love chemicals take over and encourage you to make quick decisions that you might regret later.

Yeah, and if anyone's listening and they've ever gone out a date with a guy on Thursday, they really liked him, he said, oh, come, come over on Friday. Let's, I'll make you dinner. Then you come over Friday before you know you're sleeping over, and then Saturday, you're making breakfast together, and by Sunday, you're meeting his entire family. If you've ever noticed that those types of situations typically burn out within about three weeks to three months, then this advice is especially for you. If you want it to go far, don't move fast. Allow that time to exist at the beginning. And that, like you said, is very, very difficult. I think for the entrepreneurial type, the successful person who's like, go, go, go, go, go. This requires patience. Also, at the same time, until you're in an exclusive, committed relationship, what we call little love step number six, that means, my beautiful lady, you are still single. Continue getting out there, meeting other guys. Continue exploring other options. Don't get the dreaded curse of oneitis where you focus all your energy on that guy. If you do that, oh, my God, you can translate the energy that you have from being successful in your professional life to your love life very quickly. So this was fun, Gary. I really enjoyed this one. This is great.

Yeah, thanks, Adam.

All right, so now we're at the end of the podcast, and hopefully you got a lot of really great information from this podcast. But as we know, information can only take you so far. It's time to take some action. So what I recommend you do now is head on over to loveapply.com it's going to walk you through a series of questions, and then you'll be able to book what we call a complimentary love strategy session. Yes, you've heard it. Someone on my team is going to get on a phone call with you. We will understand your situation, what it is that you're struggling with in your love life, and create that strategy to help you attract that man, that relationship you truly deserve. So take that action. Go make it happen. We cannot wait to speak with you, loveapply.com and yeah, let's help you create that love life you truly deserve. All right, speak soon. Bye.

Bye.