7 Signs He's Playing Games and Breadcrumbing You

Gary, what I have in my hands is something that is either responsible for creating one of the best chicken dishes you've ever had, or a life full of heartbreak. Can you guess what it is?

I can scare to guess.

Breadcrumbs.

Oh, look at you.

You like that opener?

I like that.

Going to be talking about breadcrumbing. A couple signs that a guy is playing games. He's giving you little bits of breadcrumbs in your love life. But ultimately, I think what you're going to learn today, breadcrumbing, it might feel like love, but it's all about control. And it's their way of toying with you to get what it is that they want. Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast, where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else. Backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences, your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, and professional dating coach and founder of love strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. And these are organic. You know, they're healthy.

Yeah, so, so responsible.

Not.

Not gluten free, though. Not gluten free.

Not gluten free. Not gluten free. My wife will be very disappointed, which means they're delicious. They are delicious. So, Gary, why. Why do men breadcrumb? Why do you share with them?

So this breadcrumbing thing, it's, you know, the guy contacts you on the app, things are going great and then, poof, gone for a little bit. But then he contacts you like four or five days later and just kind of picks up the conversation like it never stops. He texts you enough just to kind of stay on your mind, but never follows through on plans. He says he misses you, but then is like, also so busy he doesn't have any time to see you. And so guys are doing this in many ways to get you hooked, right? And you can fall for it. If you think this is mysterious, if you think this is really just him being busy and he's convincing you that he's scarce and you have to chase after him, but it's really just breadcrumbing. And this breadcrumbing, if you want a definition, it's leading someone on being flirty and affectionate with no real intention. So it's attention without intention. You're showing Somebody, you like them, but you actually have no real intention of following through. And so you said it's about control. And so guys are just kind of keeping you on the hook, keeping you interested enough without genuine effort, depth or intention. These good morning texts that seem sweet but actually don't mean much at all. And here's the thing, it happens to a lot of people. Research shows half of daters have experienced this. More so if they're online dating. It's a much more rampant online dating and it's much more likely to happen among people who are dating with short term interests. Right. So not looking for long term love, looking for short term flings and things like that. And so if you've ever felt confused by these mixed signals, overanalyzed, what the heck is this guy doing? And what for today's episode's really going to shed some light on what breadcrumbing is all about.

Yeah, avoid like the plague. We're your big brothers watching out for you. These types of guys that do this, they're just not right for you. It's annoying, it's confusing, it's emotionally manipulative. They're literally like toying with you throughout the process. And it feels ridiculous to say that, but like, the reality is it kind of works. Yeah, right, it kind of works. If it didn't work, guys wouldn't do it. And by the way, just to defend men for a second, you ladies, not you that are listening, but ladies in general out there, you do it too. People do it, right? So I'm not just saying all men, we just happen to have a audience of 99.9 women. That's what we do around here. But people do it because it gives a little bit of affection. They pull back and it creates this game, this toy where, you know, it, it builds desire because you're giving a little bit, then you're taking it away. You know, it creates this, this distance between the two of you, this mystery that leaves you wanting more.

So you mentioned something I think we really have to highlight, which is if it didn't work, guys wouldn't do it. So many times clients will ask us on our masterminds or in the community and things like, why? What's up with guys? Like, why are guys blank, blank, blank, blank, blank? This is the underrated law of dating. If it didn't work, guys wouldn't do it. So whatever guys are doing, they're doing it because it works. And now you're thinking that doesn't work. That doesn't work with Me? Well, he's not just dating you. He's dating lots of people, and it's working with some. And so if this is working, like, what is a guy want? Like, what is he. What's his goal with breadcrumbing? What's he trying to do? And first and foremost, he's trying to get women to chase him because that shifts the power dynamic. That puts him in the position of making all the decisions, of getting his way. He also wants women to chase him because he's lazy. He wants you to do all the work you do, all the texting you do, all the reaching out, you do, all the planning, all that kind of stuff. He's also doing this because he's looking for connection often. Let's not be, let's not lie. Physical connection without commitment. The other one, and I think this is another thing that people just don't think of is when a guy's breadcrumbing you, what he's doing is he's sending you the signal that he's not serious. And he's doing it intentionally because he wants you to have the signal that he's not serious. So you don't try to make this something more than what he wants. He's basically saying, hey, I'm intentionally not being serious about this relationship because I'm keeping my options open. Let's not make any mistakes about what this is. And so it's very important that you're clearly reading the signals that he's sending. And like, like I said, it works. This inconsistent attention keeps people hooked. It works best with people who have a little bit of an anxious attachment tendency. And so if you're falling into that category, you just have to be on guard.

I. I had an ex friend. I'm going to call him an ex friend because he's no longer a friend. But in my 20s, who would be on the apps constantly, like the dating apps, messaging women. Like, he was probably talking to a hundred women at a time. Like, any woman in Boston who's single had basically come across his dating profile, okay? And it was in his mind. He was really using it as a testing mechanism to see who would stick around and who he could sleep with pretty quickly. Like, he was all about having his cake and eating it, too. Like, he wanted to get his sexual needs met. The physical attention, he wanted the affection, he wanted the girlfriend experience without any type of commitment. And in many ways, like, looking back on it, I can't believe I was friends with this guy. And I never liked his dating practices. And you know, I try not to give people advice when they don't ask for it, but, man, I kind of wish I did with this guy. Maybe smack him across the face a couple times, but I can't do that. So I can just warn you all of this, but it was so abundantly clear what he was doing. And for the women who stuck around, maybe they just. They recognized it and said, you know what? Maybe I just want to get my physical needs met. But that's unlikely. They were holding on to this ray of hope that maybe, just maybe, this guy who was just giving breadcrumbs, just throwing a few random texts, maybe they could get him. Maybe they could fix him. Maybe they can be the one to change his mind about a relationship. If they just went over, cooked him dinner, slept with him, had deep emotional talks, maybe, just maybe, they could do it. Here's the ending of that story. They didn't. Dude, still. He's still single. He's still single. And this is a lot. This is 15 years later. This dude's probably still out there doing that stuff, you know, so well. Be warned. You're warned.

That is such an important lesson. Like all of those things that people will try to do because it's like, I can be the one to have this different outcome that no one else. And that feels, like vaguely romantic. It feels kind of special. It's like, I was the one to tame this wild creature and make him into the man he is. That has some kind of weird appeal, but it's just not likely to work out. And so it's. Know the thing that we always say to clients, that's a really helpful, simple thing to remember, as strategies go, is don't give the girlfriend experience. If you are not his actual girlfriend, don't do it. Don't do it because you're going to be tempted to do all these things to try to bring him around. That's not how it works. Right. It's got to be something he already feels and believes, and then let the behaviors follow from that. So don't give the girlfriend experience if you are not, in fact, his girlfriend.

And so, speaking of, before we get into it, speaking of casual relationships to everyone listening in here, we've been doing this podcast for a long time. We love our relationship with all of you. We get to build deep relationships with our clients. We recognize that not everyone listening to the podcast is our client, but we still want to build a committed relationship with everyone listening in. Gary, what does that mean? That means we ask that you all let us know how we're doing. We'd love to hear from you wherever you listen to this podcast, leave us a review. We. It really helps the algorithms out there get our message out because this is what we're here for. We want to give you the insights of the male mind. So if you wouldn't mind just pausing this podcast, leaving us review, letting us know how it's going that moves us from casual to committed. Let's go not. Is that too heavy, Gary? Am I asking about too much commit?

I love that.

Yeah, let's, let's do that. Because I, I don't know about you, but I feel a little breadcrumbs sometimes. No, I never feel breadcrumb from our audience, but we'd love to hear from you and it really makes our day. So please, if you wouldn't mind, do that. And let's jump into the seven signs. You're being breadcrumbed by some of these guys out there. Gary, hit us with number one.

So here's the thing. It's not always clear that a guy's breadcrumbing you. That's why it works, right? Sometimes it seems like this is normal, this is how relationships go, and this is going to lead somewhere and I'm not really sure. And so here we're going to give you seven things that helps you be a little bit more sure, help you see the signs a little sooner so you don't get roped in. And so number one, you get flirty messages without any follow through to meet or connect. That's weird because any guy who's serious about a relationship, the whole point of the flirty messages is for the follow through. It is for the in person meetup. The guy who's being all flirty but doesn't want to meet, what's up with that? No good reason for it.

What is up with that? What is up with that, Gary? Like, I mean, why do people, men and women, do this? They do it because they're lonely. I get it. Like, I know why, but it's more of like a philosophical why people do this. But people will do this and keep you in their orbit for years. They'll just want to text and text and text and just keep a relationship. And I get that it fills the void of their lonely life and they just want to feel like they have a connection. Even though you're just texting with an anonymous stranger, basically online, what's the point of that? But people still do it. And so we have a general rule around here where if You've been talking to a guy for any longer than two weeks to a month. Maximum. I'm talking, like absolute maximum on the apps. I don't care if he's with his grandma, trying to help her move into her new apartment. I don't care what he's doing. If it's been a month and you've been texting on the apps and he hasn't asked you out. Next.

Yeah.

Moving on to the next. Like, no, absolutely not. Because there are just some people out there who maintain these conversations for months and years. And it just. The thing is, you might say, adam, well, that's a little bit benign. Who cares? I'm just messaging with him. No, it's a problem because it's starting to fill a little bit of an emotional void for you. You're going to feel like you're making progress in your love life when you're not. You're going to feel like you have this guy in your life when you really don't. He's not real. He's not real until you meet him in real life. So the key is cut him off, even if it makes you feel a little bit lonelier in the short term. Good. That's going to get your beautiful behind off of the couch and go meet a guy in real life. Like, don't allow these guys to just sit in your life and orbit your world and kind of lead you on and make you feel like, oh, my God, I have some opportunities here. You don't. If you haven't met him in real life and if it's gone on for longer than a month, this dude doesn't exist. He's not real. He's dead to you. Sorry. Too strong, Gary?

No.

Well, not.

Maybe not strong enough, actually.

Okay.

Because in some way, like, so much of what we do is, like, what's going on? Right. You ask that question, like, why is he doing this? What's going on? And like, it's what's going on and why it matters and why it matters. And you said up to a month, I would cut it off at two weeks. And here's why. Because what we want is a partner who has true relationship intent. They're really looking for what we're looking for, which is a long term, committed and fulfilling relationship. Now, if you're really looking for that, why does it take a month of texting back and forth? It shouldn't. We want to meet in person because let's get this thing moving in the sense of, I am enamored by you, our Texting and messaging is going well enough. I want to meet you in person because I want to get a real sense of who you are as a person. And so if I'm not interested in meeting in person, then what am I interested in? And it's not relationship intent. And so let's get to the. Are you. Is this real or not? As soon as we possibly can. Because it's going to make us more efficient and, you know, keep things moving.

Definitely. And this is only going to get worse with AI now everyone has ChatGPT. Everyone knows how to make flirty messages, yada yada yada. Although given the really bad flirty messages because it's a bunch of slop from AI. But if you're using, you know, chat GPT for this stuff, but you're going to get a lot of messages from people, it doesn't mean anything until you meet them in real life. Which leads us to the second point, which is you're being breadcrumbed. If communication is just really sporadic, it's like it's. It's very hot and then cold. Or it's just taking a long time for him to respond. Or the worst is if he's just asking you out last minute as if you're a backup plan. If you feel like you're a backup plan, you're a backup plan, right? That's it. Like if it feels like it's Friday at 5pm and you're just getting out of work and he's like, hey, real quick, my, my night just opened up, you want to grab a drink? You're a backup plan, period. Guys don't do that with people that they really want to see right now. Given he doesn't need to plan it two weeks in advance, it might be a day, a two. That's appropriate given this scenario. But if you're constantly just getting hit up, if you're getting a 2am text that says you up, you are deeply a backup plan, I promise you. Especially if the. It's not spelled out like Y O, U. It's just you, you up, question mark. Do people still do that? I don't know.

Deeply. Backup plan.

Deeply. Yeah. You are the backup of the backup plan. Actually, here's the thing. It's not a reflection on you. They. They take. Take that for what it is. It's really not.

That's.

If I had a sister, that's what I'd be telling her. I'd be like, that's all on this dude who is lame, who's got nothing Going for him. He has no ability to plan his life. No intentionality. Ugh.

I think that last part really important. This is not, and we should have said this at the beginning of all these before we get to the rest of them is like, none of this stuff is about. You guys have an approach and they've been using this approach because this has been working for them to some degree. It's not like he just met you and just decides he's going to try this whole new approach where he's breadcrumbing and not serious with you because of something about you. It has nothing to do with you. This is just his default setting for dating that he's been using for quite some time. And you're just the latest one he's going to try it on. So don't take any of this personally. That's super, super important.

Yeah.

Okay.

Number three.

Number three sign. He's breadcrumbing. You mix signals. He's hot, he's cold. Sometimes he's showing really strong interest. Other times he seems completely indifferent. The time that this gets really confusing and I'll hear this with clients is like, yeah, he's been really inconsistent. But the other day my car wasn't working and it wasn't starting and he came right over and he spent an hour with me making sure my car was all set. Like, he really showed up that time. I was like, okay, that's great. How was he the next day? Didn't hear from him. Didn't hear from the next day after that. Heard from him four days later. Okay, this is breadcrumbing. This is someone who's not serious. He's showing attention but not intentional. Because don't give these big moves too much credit. All the only reason he was able to do that big move is he had time at the moment and it seemed to work. And he knows on some level that if he does the big move, that's going to gain him a lot of brownie points, so to speak. But what. That's not what we want. That's not how long term relationships are built. It's not about big moves and then silence for a week. Long term relationships are about consistency, reliability, dependability. We want to make sure we're paying attention to those things, not just the big moves.

I agree and I think I appreciate you giving that advice. And I just want to ensure everyone understands the context of how far into the relationship that really applies. Because if you just met the guy, there's different expectations than if you've been going out Five, six, seven times. Or of course, if you're in what we call little love step number six, where it's an exclusive, committed relationship. So just to get everyone filled into the nuance of this, we have a free training. It's at lovestrategies.com right on the homepage there walks you through what we call these seven little love steps. It's going to show you exactly where you are in the process when you're meeting these guys, where to show interest, where to explore other guys and other dates. So that this gives a little bit more context because I don't want you all to be like, oh, I just went out with a guy one time and now I expect that he's like texting me good morning. Text every single morning. You know what I'm saying?

No, absolutely. And this is, you know, when we do masterminds, it's like one of the first things we say is like, you know, please give us some context, like where you're at in the dating experience and you know, how many dates you've been on. Because it all matters, right? It's like there's not one size fits all advice for any of this stuff. It's very customizable to exactly what your situation is. And so that's super helpful. Definitely a couple more of these signs that you're being breadcrumbed. I think a lot of these are kind of self evident, so I'm going to run through these. Number four, he's always too busy to prioritize you or the relationship. He's always got something else going on. Work's always, he's always slammed at work and he's always, you know, oh man, life's so hectic now. Blah. Okay, let's be honest. Life's hectic for all of us. We're all kind of busy, we're all kind of stressed. Like, either this is a priority or it isn't, right? Number five, he talks to you. There's conversation, but it's always shallow. He's always holding back. Specifically, what he's holding back is emotional depth. And so he's giving you the illusion of closeness, something I call counterfeit closeness by like chit chat. Day to day, like stories of things, but not anything about feelings, hopes, dreams, any of that deep emotional content that you're really looking for. Number six, sign that you're being breadcrumbed. He makes plans. Like he's great about making plans. It just always seemed to fall through. Sometimes it's like benign things like, oh my, you know, I just had a client the other day say, you know, it's supposed to meet this guy and he got a flat tire. Okay. One time, sure. I'm a big fan of second chances, but not thirds. This guy has another excuse, another time. Not serious. Not enough relationship intent, right? Make it happen. We want a guy who can make things happen. You can't just let every little obstacle make it. So you can't go meet somebody you're interested in meeting with, right?

So leave your car on the side of the road, get an Uber and get to that date, dude, right?

That's like, be a problem solver, right? And this, it. It shows something. It shows something. And the last one is a guy who seems like he's kind of in. But he doesn't want to. He just wants to live in the moment. Like, he just wants to be where his feet are. He doesn't want to talk about the future in any kind of specific way. And he's like, we don't need labels. I'm not boy. It's not boy. I'm not into labels. It's like, well, you're not into commitment, pal. Like, you don't have relationship intent. And so, you know, there's a lot of ways to pick up sign. You know, any one of these things doesn't necessarily mean that it's a clear cut, breadcrumbing thing. But that's why we give seven different, slightly different ways to look at this. Because you build enough of a case and it all comes down to that thing we said at the beginning is like, is what he's doing. Does this signal relationship intent or not?

Well, Gary, I know one thing for sure, and that is there's still some people, I would say the majority of people who are listening to all this, and they're still like, I don't know, I'm not sure if the guy I'm with is breadcrumbing, because we want to justify the guy that we're talking to that he does like us because we want it so badly that perhaps we're not seeing it very clearly now. Perhaps the guy that you're seeing right now we're talking to, or a guy you will see really does like you. And that's okay. So let's do like a little bit of a step by step process of what. What to do if you're not sure. The first one is just reality check. Like, have a hard reality check. Take perspective and think about it this way. How do you act when you really like someone? Like, think about it. Like, when you're really into a person, how do you show up? And the truth is, if someone really likes you, they make time for you. You're probably very communicative. If you like a guy, you show up. You don't just like make up false, weird, last minute reasons or excuses for not going out with that person. You will genuinely care about the person you share. You're consistent, you're probably vulnerable, and you put in some effort. Now, I know none of all of us are 10 out of 10 on these things, but generally speaking, when you like a guy, it's pretty apparent, like, it's pretty clear and there's some clear behaviors that go there. And you want a partner who's just really into you. So, like, don't allow these false justifications to come into your mind and be like, well, you know, he said he was busy, but yeah, he really is busy at work. No, like, I'm not too busy for my wife, right? I'm not too busy to go to the gym. I'm too busy. Like last month some guy who's like an old semi friend from high school, like, reached out, was like, hey, you want to grab a beer? And I'm like, I'm too busy. Like, I was too busy for that guy. I'm sorry, like, I just, I, I wasn't that interested. We weren't great friends in high school. Like, I'm sorry, if you're listening to this guy, he's, he's very likely not, thank God. But I was just too busy. It just, that's the thing is there's these things called priorities. And you can't have more than really one core priority. You can't have multiple big priorities in your life. And if he, he's not making your priority, then he's not going to make you a life partner, period.

Yeah, we make time for what matters. And I think this, your suggestion here, to take perspective is one of the best strategies anybody can use at any time to make sense of someone else's behavior, the thing that they're doing. Ask yourself, why would I be doing that same thing? And there's your answer. There's your answer. Because here's the thing. If you're really into somebody, the last thing you would do are any of these breadcrumbing behaviors because you would give the signal that you're not really into them. That's all. You just wouldn't do any of this stuff. If you're really into somebody, you would show up, you'd care, you'd follow Through, Right? And that's. It just brings. It's. It's this thing. Like, sometimes you hear clients say, and I hear he's just giving mixed signals. There's just mixed signals. And the inference is there's some things in there that are good, and there's some things in there that are not good. That's the essence of mixed. Except for the fact that when it comes to interest in another person, mixed signals aren't mixed. It's showing they're indifferent. It's showing you're not a priority. It's showing they're not into you. Because if you were really into somebody, would you give mixed signals? No, you wouldn't. You would show. You'd make it clear that they're a priority. You'd show up. And so don't settle for mixed signals. That's not what you want. You deserve somebody who's really into you. Not someone who's like, well, I guess, okay, fine, you know, I'll go out with you. You know, it's like, I guess I'll go out for a beer with you. I don't really have anything else to do. Like, it's like, see, that's not what you want. Like, you want somebody who wants to be there.

Ladies, question the crumbs. All right, when you're getting crumbs, for those who are just listening, I got my breadcrumbs back in the picture. Breadcrumbs on their own aren't good. You need the chicken with it. Is this analogy working? You need a little bit of chicken. You need to throw it in the oven. You need to put some egg with the chicken and some flour and all that stuff to make it a delicious relationship. Crumbs aren't enough. Gary, should I eat some breadcrumbs, just, like, really prove this point? No, I think I'm gonna eat some breadcrumbs just for all of you to know how bad it is I got. But I'll do it. If I hear from any of you that you're still putting up with breadcrumbs, I will put this entire thing of breadcrumbs into my mouth just to. It's like the guys who do those protests, like, don't eat, just to really prove a point. I'm gonna do that for all of you if you fall for these breadcrumbs, because that is not what we're here to do. We're not here for that type of relationship. We're here for a long lasting, monogamous, healthy relationship. And, yes, it does exist. The whole chicken does exist. You just need all the other components. You need the chicken, you need the oven, you need everything. So do it. Care.

I love this question the crumbs because there will be times when guys don't know what they're doing and they're accidentally breadcrumbing without intending to, like that might happen. Here's the thing. You want clarity in your dating relationships. You don't want to waste time on the wrong people. You want to know is this, is this person worth my time or not? And so what you have to do is question the crumbs. And so you just ask. You call out this behavior, this guy. You haven't heard from this guy in a couple days and he texts like, hey, what's up? Text back. Oh, I'm surprised to hear from you. Acknowledge it. Make it clear that you are surprised you haven't heard from him. I'm surprised that you want to meet up. Describe how you feel about it. Oh, well, because I haven't heard from you, I haven't felt that connected to you lately and assumed that we were looking for different things. Call it out because you don't want for him to think that this is okay. You don't want him to think that this works. Make it very clear that this does not work and then explain what you're looking for right somewhere in that conversation. Just make it clear. Consistency is important to me. I like somebody who shows up. I only want to move forward with people who are consistent, reliable, dependable, who are really all in, who are looking for something real, someone that has relationship intent. Now, clearly you wouldn't use all of those terms, but that's the essence of this, because the exact words don't matter. But be clear about what you want. And I've had clients say this next thing to me and maybe you just thought it a second a second ago, which is, well, isn't that going to scare them off? Yes. Yes, it is. When you tell a guy that you're looking for consistency, that you want reliability, that you want someone to be there and you're looking for this long term thing, you, that is going to scare some guys off. But it's all the guys that you want to scare off. Let's, let's scare them off. Scare more, get them out. Because we want to figure this out now. We don't want to figure this out in three months with our heartbroken.

If my wife, within the first month of dating her, she said, hey, consistency is really important to me. So I only move forward if we connect consistently. I'd be texting her every morning, every night, and make. I mean, I was already very consistent, so she didn't have to say.

Right.

But let me tell you, consistency would be, like, tattooed on my arm to make sure that we were seeing each other. I'm sure you do the same thing with your wife, Colleen. Like, it's the same thing. And there have been moments in my 20s when I was dating and I wasn't looking for anything real, when a woman would say something like that and I would be like, look, I'm really not at a stage where I'm looking for anything and, like, very serious. And I'm just kind of like, I'm moving soon and I'm just on a phase of my life where I'm. I'm looking to be in a relationship. And.

Good.

We created some clarity and it ended right. It just. It's scary to have that conversation because it feels like there's a loss there. Like you're losing something, but you can't lose something you never had. You didn't have it in the first place. It wasn't there. All you got were these breadcrumbs. So let's not settle for that anymore. And so if you really want to take a stand for your life, have those standards and have this type of strategy in your love life that kind of takes you to the next level so that we can open our heart to the right guys. That's what we're here for. That's all we do. We're an executive love coaching company that helps you build confidence, clarity, courage, and connection. It's the four Cs, baby. That's what we do around here. And if you want some help. Sorry to throw out the B word. If I threw anyone out. I'm just. I'm so passionate about what we do. It's just. This is all we do around here. We have an amazing team. We have over 40 employees here at Love Strategies. It's wild. And every single person is in your court. They're. They're like literally shouting from the the stands, just cheering you on every step of the way and just like Gary and I are doing right now. So if that's something that you really want, you want to explore, open up your phone. Wherever you listen to this, just go to loveapply.com loveapply.com apply for our love Strategy session with an amazing, caring person who wants nothing more than to see you win. That's all they want. They want to see you win. Whether it's working with us or going somewhere else. We're going to guide you on that path, that journey to attracting that man who gives you that fried chicken with the full chicken. Gary, is that analogy working? I, I, I love it.

You know my love for chicken. I love chicken of all sorts, so I, I appreciate it deeply.

We want the whole chicken base. So let's go, love apply dot com. Gary, this is a fantastic one. We'll speak to all beautiful ladies very soon.

All right?

Bye bye.