8 Signs You Have an Anxious Attachment Style

Okay, real quick, before we get started, you know, one thing you all know is we don't run any ads on this podcast. So all we ask in return is if you are enjoying the podcast and you want to spread a little love, please leave a review wherever you're listening to this podcast. It really helps us out a lot. And for all we know, it helps someone create the love life they truly deserve.

So let's jump into it now. You have to make your partner in your relationship a priority, but it's. It's how soon you're putting them above everything else, right? You've all had that friend who as soon as they start dating somebody, they disappear completely. Completely. That's too much, too soon.

And chances are, if you're still listening to this podcast right now, you've been that friend. Guarantee it. I guarantee it. We've all been that, like, at some point in time in our lives, we've all kind of been that friend where you drop everything for that person, and then you realize later that it was totally irrational, it was totally ridiculous. You come begging for forgiveness to all of your friends. You're like, I'll never make that mistake again. All right, Dr. Lewandowski, today we're going to be talking about anxious attachment style. And when I was thinking about this before this podcast, something that really stood out to me is one of our first conversations we ever have. You probably don't remember this, but we were talking about bringing you in as our kind of chief love scientist here, and you explained to me that attachment styles is one of the best scientifically, scientific ways to look at relationships. I mean, it's the most researched. It's really like a foundational idea behind why it is that we do what we do in relationships. Do you remember that conversation?

Vaguely. I know, like, this is one of those things. Attachment is one of the most popular topics in all of relationship science. Yeah. It's also one of those topics that, you know, the clients of our program can't get enough of this topic either. And it's for good reason. And I think what I said back then is probably something in the extent of, like, attachment is so. Well, it's probably the most well researched theory we have in relationship science. And one of the reasons for that is, is once you understand the core of attachment and attachment styles, you can understand a lot about relationships. Because when you research on this, at least every time I've done a study on attachment styles, the predictions you make based on the theory, they. It feels. It just feels like they almost always Work. And so understanding attachment is really putting you on a path to relationship success.

Yeah. And anxious attachment is definitely something that we tend to work with. Our more of our clients tend to have anxious attachment than avoidant attachment. So today we're going to be talking about eight signs that you have an anxious attachment style. And once you start to understand these patterns, then it allows you to really start changing your behavior. Because, I mean, no one wants to be alone. Everyone wants to have someone they can share their life with. But if you're struggling with anxious attachment, which we're going to explain exactly what attachment styles are in a minute, perhaps you might be going a little bit too far in that fear of being alone, being a little bit extra, and perhaps even scaring guys away. Right, Gary?

Yeah, absolutely. I think, you know, you're right that most of our clients, we probably get more anxious attachment. I think more people realize they have anxious attachment than they might realize they have other forms of attachment issues. That said, though, I think there's plenty of people who are listening to this and be like, well, I don't think I'm anxious at all. And that's actually what we're going to talk about today is we're going to talk about some of the obvious signs that you might have an anxious attachment style, as well as some subtle things that might indicate that you're more anxious than you think you are.

Yes, definitely. Definitely. And when you're in it, it can be really hard to recognize these things, like when you're talking to a guy that you really like and, oh, my God, does he light up your world? Our behaviors sometimes change a little bit, and it can be hard to actually recognize how we are. Perhaps we're leaning in too much and pushing these guys away. So we'll get into some of the obvious ones, but then they're going to be some that you are not going to have seen coming and. Or perhaps you haven't seen coming. And once you can recognize these things, you can be like, okay, now I can change my behaviors. And the beautiful part about an attachment styles in general is that it's not like a tattoo on your forehead.

Okay.

It's something that you can change, you can work on. Once you recognize these patterns, you can change your behavior. And I feel like the point of being able to listen to podcasts like this or understand some of our strategies is once you recognize these signs, then suddenly you can just recognize them when you're in it with a guy, when you're really in it, and you're like, oh, I'm starting to lean back into this pattern. Let's change my behavior here. And suddenly you'll see that your results really change with guys.

Yeah, I mean, I. It's something that not only you can see in yourself and modify, but it's also, once you understand attachment theory, you can start picking out the signs in some of your potential partners, which is useful.

Right.

I also like something you just said there, and I want to underscore it because, you know, back in March, we did a whole webinar on attachment just for our clients. Right. And so we spent a lot of time digging into attachment styles and attachment theory. And one of the things you said just a second ago is probably the most important thing for people to understand is, like, as much as people like attachment styles, because you kind of get to start fitting yourself in these neat little categories. It's not destiny. Like, if you are. If you do a quiz and you come out secure, it's not like, yes, I'm secure for the rest of my life. It's like, you're generally secure, but you might have some anxious moments. You might have some avoidant moments. If you come out anxious, it doesn't mean, oh, gosh, you know, it's done for me, like, I'm always going to be anxious. It's like, no, now you see your patterns, and once you identify those patterns, now you have something to work on.

Right. All right, so we're four minutes into this. We're talking about anxious attachment. Avoid attachment. Dr. L, why don't you explain what is an attachment style for those who've never heard of this idea?

Sure. Attachment style is your general way of forming emotional bonds with other people. I mean, it starts in childhood with your parental caregivers, and then your parental caregivers give way to your romantic partners. And it's just your general feeling toward your comfort with closeness with somebody else. Like, how. How much are you able to let people in simultaneously with how worried are you about being abandoned or left alone? And so when those two dynamics combine, those give us our attachment styles.

Right. And there's a few big ones. I mean, the big ones are just anxious attachment and then avoidant attachment. Right. And then there's fearful avoidant, which.

Yeah. And so there's. There's two main types of insecure, and that's anxious and avoidant. And then there's secure. And secure are the people who aren't worried about being abandoned, and they're very comfortable with closeness. The folks we're talking about today, anxious attachment, they're very comfortable being close. But the reason they're so comfortable with closeness is that they have a high anxiety over abandonment. So they're constantly worried about being left in, you know, this relationship ending and. And not carrying on.

Yeah. It's like, have you ever dated that guy who is just kind of that stage five clinger? This is all the audience here. The guy who just, won't you leave you alone? He always wants to feel close. He always needs affirmation. It's a classic stage five clinger. Right. And we kind of. We always think of women as being the stage five clingers. And. And we can talk about maybe the difference in genders between the two, but men can be the same way. Men can absolutely be anxious attachment as well. They can get extremely jealous. They can never want you to leave their side, all those things. And, you know, so that. That's really what an anxious attachment style generally is, is you just. You don't want to lose that person. So you fight, you chase, you want to bring that person back in. And. And in turn, that can actually push a lot of people away.

Yeah. If there's one overriding quality, I think it's just a need for a constant reassurance that on some level feels normal. It's like, oh, well, we should say we love each other. Like, love you, love you, I love you. Right. It's like, that seems like how relationships go a lot of times, but it's actually, it's too much. And it's the sign of underlying insecurities.

Yeah. Yeah. And that's just assuming that you are. I guess a caveat to this is that is assuming that you're not with someone who is not giving you any affirmation. Like, if you're with someone who's extremely cold and not giving you lots of affection or any affection at all, you know, perhaps you might go into anxious attachment role, but it's really because of them. They're not giving you any love. So. Really? And Gary, be interested in your thoughts. Is it generally speaking, like, if you're with someone who is secure or giving you a healthy relationship and you're still anxious about it, that would be a sign of anxious attachment. Is that an important caveat here?

Absolutely. Because you know, what I'll say to folks a lot of times is like, people say, well, I'm generally secure, but with this particular person, because of his behaviors, his emotional unavailability, his just inconsistency, I'm starting to feel anxious. And it's like, well, that's a really bad sign, you know, particularly if you're a generally secure person. A certain kind of partner can bring out some of these anxious qualities in you, which is not the overall pattern you want to have. Right.

Yeah. It's like, why are you feeling anxious? Well, we went out together the other night, and he was talking to three women in the corner, whispering in their ears, rubbing the back of their, you know, their back. And it's like, okay, I would have anxious attachment style. I would be anxious in that moment as well. Or he disappears for two weeks at a time, and he doesn't respond to any of my texts. At two weeks at a time, it's like, yeah, that's on him. So there's. There's something to be considered. You need to think about your partner and who it is that you're. You're dealing with.

Well, and all this just speaks to what we said a second ago about, like, there is an anxious style. Like, everyone has kind of a default style, but everything's on a continuum. Like, you're. You're not locked in. And so as secure as you are, you can end with the wrong partner. You can start feeling more anxious. You can start feeling more avoidant. Um, but here's the. Here's the good news. If you are more anxious with the right partner, you can start feeling more secure as well.

Right, Right.

And.

And before we get into these signs as well, I think something that you always say that really sticks with me and the research backs this up, is that if you do have an anxious attachment, if you discover that through this. This conversation today, then generally speaking. Or if you have an avoidant attachment style, which we're not gonna be talking about as much want to be looking for partners who have secure attachments. That is the ultimate. That is the healthy partners who are going to be there for you, give you the appropriate amount of affection. That is ultimately. Because that is ultimately what we're looking for. Because if you are anxious and you're chasing after avoidance, which tends to happen, that is like the ultimate, like, deadly toxic mix. Guess what? You're have a life full of hell and misery in all of your relationships.

Yeah, that's absolutely true. You know, we're talking about anxious today because that tends to be the. The most prominent one. We're gonna have a whole separate podcast on. On the same exact idea, but for avoidant. But for both of those folks.

Yeah, Right.

So coming attractions, Avoidant later for both of those folks. There's no substitute for finding a secure partner and then trusting Them. Right. Because that secure partner is going to have all the right kind of patterns. And. And we'll talk more about that in a future podcast. But it's like, generally speaking, find a secure partner and trust, trust, trust.

Love it. Should we jump into some of the more obvious signs and go into the deeper signs?

Let's do it. So I know, like, these obvious ones are fairly obvious, but just for the sake of completeness and just generally, from my experience, people love talking about attachment so much, I wanted to just kind of COVID some of some of these basic things, and maybe they're more obvious to some than others. So the first one, the first sign of an anxious attachment is the need for constant contact. And specifically, like, over texting. Because you have your phone and you have this direct line in some ways to that other person. There's really not much preventing you from like, hey, hey, hey, what you doing?

What are you up to? It's like, I just talked to you 10 minutes ago. I. I remember. I have. I told the story on this podcast. I just remember this so clear in my mind. This guy, well, a good friend of mine was dating this girl, and he went out for a night, and they were just talking, and she called him legitimately 47 times that night.

Like.

Like, we counted it, and he was just. He was being innocent. Like, we're just having a boys night. I mean, we're in our 20s. I was like, oh, my God, 47 times. That. I mean, that's the most clear, anxious, attached to style. That's, of course, an extreme. But just that constant need for validation. You cannot let it go. We've had clients even who have said, like, oh, I went on a great date with him and I haven't heard back from him. And so I've been texting him all morning. I still haven't heard back. And I'm like, well, when was the date? They're like, it was last night. I'm like, let's chill out a little bit. It's gonna be a job. He's got a job. He's a busy dude. It's okay. You're gonna be okay. You know, but this is the thing.

With this over texting is, like, it seems innocent, right? Because on some level, it's like, I just want him to know I'm thinking of him. I just. I just want them to know. And it's like, yes, okay, maybe that sounds sort of romantic in a, you know, off way in some ways, but it's like, it's also like a need for Attention. It's a need for reassurance. And the whole idea with secure attachment is you don't need reassurance. You have faith, you have trust. Like, you don't need constant reminders that the other person's thinking of you. Just know that they are. You just know that you're a big part of their life. You trust that nothing's going to change that in the next 24 hours, and you just kind of get to live your life. And so the strategy and this one we put first, because this is probably one of the most common things that we see with our clients, is like, should I text them? When should I text them? Should I text them? How often should I text them? And it's like my general strategy for this is, when in doubt, err on the side of texting too little than too much. Hold back.

Definitely. Are you tired of committing your heart to a man who only just pulls away? Well, if so, we have a very special presentation that's available to our podcast listeners. It's at a special link. It's called he commits dot com. And it's going to walk you through the five secret strategies that make men commit. Head on over to he commits.com. it's only available for a short period of time. I think you're gonna like it a lot. All right, back to the podcast. The beautiful part about these phones right here is that it is a direct line. So if you've texted him once, he knows how to reach you, he knows how to find you. Like, Gary, you're. You're a little bit older. Were you probably dating back in the day when it was like landlines, where legitimately, if you miss a person, like, you kind of got to try them again because, you know, maybe they didn't see your call. Like, legitimately, you have to try. Nowadays, he knows exactly where to find you. He knows how to create a connection with you. He knows it's right there. So err on the side of just be more conservative on that front and don't seek that constant validation. Because the validation, if we can recognize that it's fleeting, suddenly it's irrational. Like, yeah, you get validation for, I don't know, how long does it last? Two hours. And then you're like, wait, now I want to hear from again. Or maybe it's 24 hours, maybe it's 48. Whatever that time, it's always fleeting. So just recognize that and realize that, hey, it's going to be okay. He's coming to you. Don't constantly seek that Validation. And the big thing, the big kicker in all this is the more you try to get that validation from him, the more you're actually going to push him away. That's the big kicker.

Right. And, you know, there's no denying that you're going to feel this impulse. Right. Particularly if it's. If you're new in a relationship and it's super exciting and you're thinking about them all the time, like, that's just stuff that's going to happen. Right. But then, like, fight the impulse. Procrastinate. Find something else to do. Find something else that makes you feel safe and connected. Fill your life with other things so that you're not just sitting around with nothing else to do than wondering, like, what you up to. Thinking of you. Hey, like, all those texts that you want to send, you just got. You got to fill your life with other things, right?

Right. Yeah. Just go exercise. I think that's always. Anytime I feel anxious about anything, exercise is always the answer. It really. It really is. Like, go join a class and go do a thing. Like, go move your body a little bit. Usually after that you're going to feel a lot better. So I think that that's. Man, texting has really messed with our. Our love lives, haven't they?

And so, you know, that's why that one's first, because there's probably the most common, like, conundrum that clients get themselves in is like, when should I text and how much should I text? But, yeah, it goes very much in with the second one with it, which is just trying to spend every moment together.

Together.

And again, early in a relationship, this seems like the right thing to do. Like, everything's wonderful. We should spend 24 hours together, see every. Every possible moment. But all this is doing is normalizing neediness. This is clinginess. Like, we were just talking about stage five clinger. It's like this scene, this is neediness, like, kind of masquerading as romanticism. And it's not. It's like you should have other things going on in your life. And that's really the strategy is like, give your relationship room to breathe. And missing each other is a good thing. And you should have a full, complete life without your partner.

Right? Yeah. I mean, if you go on a meetup, if you meet a guy online dating and you go on a meetup on a Thursday, and then before you know it, by Friday night, you're having dinner with him, you stay at his place, and Saturday you make breakfast together, then Saturday night you're meeting all his friends. Then Sunday, practically all your clothes are, clothes are like moved into his house. I assure you with almost 100% certainty that within two, like three weeks to three months, this whole relationship's gonna blow up. It just like, it, it's too fast, too much, too soon. You're a bunch of strangers who are trying to just like jump in too quickly. And once you can recognize that pattern that actually creating that space builds desire, then suddenly you're like, oh, this is actually a more fun, it's a more healthy way to date. And then I'm not gonna have these constant relationships that just last anywhere from three weeks to three months.

Right. You want to avoid those relationships that burn fast, they burn bright, but they're short lived. Right. And like that'll keep happening if you dive in too fast. Right. And like you said, you got to create a little, little space, create a little bit of tension. Missing is good for relationship partners, as is having just other things to do. And if you have other things to do, that's going to slow things down naturally.

And the big thing with this, just for those of you who are listening, yeah, I'm pretty good at this. Yeah, you're probably really good at this with guys you don't like very much. But when you like a guy lot, that's when this kicks in. And I remember myself like, I was pretty good at this with women that when I was dating in my 20s, because I was like, yeah, I don't know, whatever. But when I met Jessica, I wanted to spend a lot of time with her. I really did. Like, that's all I was thinking about. But all that practice of pacing and understanding these concepts, they kick into high gear when it really matters. So just remember these principles when you're in it with a guy that you really like, because most of you are probably just single right now, not really talking to a guy you really like. This is when it really matters.

Give yourself some time to savor the other person and savor the relationship. You don't have to like, you know, it's the equivalent of like binge watching a relationship where it's like, we're just gonna see each other 10 hours a day for the first week solid. And then after that it's like the show's over. Like it's, it's done now. And so like, now what are you gonna do? There's nothing else left. And so give yourself some time to really savor what's going on.

Right, Right.

The third obvious sign that you might have anxious attachment is just a relationship with a lot of jealousy, right? You're not just checking in to say that you're thinking of it, but you're checking up on them specifically because you wonder if they're cheating on you, if they're talking to other people, if they're paying other people more attention than they're paying you. And the research on, you know, we said there's a lot of research on all this. And I've been kind of holding myself back from interjecting non stop with research, but the research is very clear. Like people with more anxious attachment, they're more jealous. Part of the reason why they're suspecting that their partner might be cheating on them is that people with anxious attachment tend to cheat a little bit more themselves. And so when you, when you have certain impulses to do things, you start to think that others have those same impulses. And it's not that, you know, people are anxious, are like bad people. It's like, because you're worried about being abandoned. Cheating is a way to like have another relationship lined up. Because you, part of you is almost thinking like, my current relationships, they're gonna leave, they're not really that interested. They don't really want me, I don't think. And so you're kind of creating these back burner relationships by becoming physically intimate with somebody else.

The plot thickens. Interesting. So anxious attachment style or tend to cheat more. It makes a lot of sense, right? Because if you're looking for validation, you're not quite getting it. Then you at some point just seek validation elsewhere. And even if you're with someone, you're in a healthy relationship with a secure attached person, you're still not going to feel like you're getting enough from them. So perhaps you're going to chase that initial feeling that you get when you're in a new relationship, which would be cheating, right? You've got a new person. Like, because I, I bet anxious attachment style, people just love the first month of a new relationship because it's all affection, right? All like, oh, those love chemicals just flowing through your body. Two people are always there. It's like, it's amazing. But then, you know, once you get to real life, the honeymoon phase is over. Anywhere from three weeks to three months in, then they're probably like, where can I seek that, you know, short term pleasure elsewhere? You know, it's interesting.

Well, and this jealousy creates this. It's what evolutionary psychologists called make guarding, where it's like, you have to be really vigilant that other people aren't trying to steal your partner or your partner is not going to stray. And so, like, you know, if you're highly anxiously attached and you have this jealousy inclination, like, you're out to dinner and your partner just kind of, like, takes their eyes and, like, moves them off to the side. You're like, what are you looking at?

Right?

Who are you looking at? What are you doing? Or they're checking your phone. Who's texting you? What's that about? Who is it? Is it your girlfriend? It's probably your girlfriend, right? And it's like, I've seen other couples who have, like, these. And it's always, like, kind of, like, playful. Like, oh, it's probably just his girlfriend. And it's like, yeah, like, that's hiding something deeper, probably, when you're saying, right.

Like, that's so, you know, jealousy is one thing. Like, I'm a highly. Personally, I'm. I'm a very not jealous person. So I've just, like, never really understood jealousy. It's. It's kind of weird. That's like the one area of, like, love and dating we talk a lot about. But, like, personally, I just don't experience it. I mean, are you a jealous guy? You're probably not very jealous. I can't. I can't see it. You know, I think I.

What it is, is, like, I, you know, I know you well enough. You're secure. Secure. You're very secure, right? So if you're secure, you have basic trust. And if you have basic trust, there's nothing to be jealous about. Because it's like, if my wife wanted to leave me, I'm pretty sure she would just tell me, right? Like, I have to monitor it all the time because, like, I trust her. And it's like, she just would be like, you know, this isn't working. And I'm like, okay, you deal with that. But it's like, it's not something on every day. I'm like, wait a second. She sighed a little deeper today than normal. Like, what is that?

What are you doing? What are you. Yeah, I think it's not only just that, but also I just have very strong boundaries. As in, if I'm with someone who strike. If people don't get a lot of reattempts with me, like, if I'm with a. If I was dating and I found a woman actually was really straying, or she did something really sketchy, or she lied to me. Like, lying was just. There's just no coming back from that. So I wouldn't even allow myself to be with that type of person, which I think if I did, then I'd probably become very jealous.

Right.

You know, so I think that's also very important, is holding strong to your boundaries of who you allow yourself to be with. Right. If you're with a guy who's constantly sketchy, who is texting all these different women very clear, his phone is buzzing, and you see, like. And there's, like, on inappropriate conversations constantly going on, and you catch them in lies all the time. Well, now it's time to actually just have boundaries as to who it is that you allow yourself to be with. I think that's an important part of all this.

Yeah. And remember, and we don't say this enough about boundaries, but boundaries are there for you. It's a sign of respect for yourself. And so those boundaries are important for you and ultimately for your relationship.

Yes. So let's get to some of the more subtle and sneaky indicators of anxious attachment.

Yeah. So with these, like, these all seem like good things, but it's always a case of overdoing it or not quite doing it in the right way. Right. And so the first one that's kind of a subtle sign of anxious attachment is people who latch on to what I like to call flimsy signs. And we'll hear this every once in a while with someone when they're very excited about a new relationship. They're like, I just know we were meant to be. It's like, oh, that's exciting. Right? It's like, well, how do you know? And like, you're hoping they're going to say certain things, but then they say things like, he's an Aries and I'm a Sagittarius, or we both have a sister named Kristen. That's a sign. And it's like. That is the flimsiest sign of signs that you both have a sister named Kristen, or whatever your astrological sign was. It's like one. One of our clients. And this is. This is a direct quote because I wrote this down, because I'm like, this is a perfect example of this was he wore a green shirt with a dragonfly pattern. My favorite color is green, and I'm obsessed with dragonflies.

Oh, my God. And this is the very moment where Gary or I come in and what do we do? We burst that bubble so quickly. Like, there's just. It's such a funny moment because we have these masterminds where our clients come on. We do Q and A. They're very special sessions throughout the week for our clients we work with. And we'll have these clients come on back. This is it. This has worked so well. I'm so excited. It happened so quickly. Adam, Gary, you guys are geniuses. Like, six weeks in, I found the man of my dreams and be like, h, tell me more. Go on.

And then.

Yes. And then you hear such flimsy signs of why they're perfect for each other. It's like, oh, we went to the same high school and then 20 years later, it turns out that our brothers were born on the same day. Or like, like, and we were both on Facebook. Exactly. Oh, my God. We both like pickleball. We both started pickleball. You're like, yeah. Along with like 80 of other human being beings over the age of 60, which we have.

We have those conversations and it's always the same thing where it's like, we want this for you and we want this to work out for you, but these signs are not the signs. Yeah, right. Like, these are minor coincidences. These are fun examples. These are not indicators that you're going to have this relationship. And that's important because you have to realize, like, these random hits, they're just coincidence. Right. And you want to look for more important lasting signs of long term relationships. And that inclination to focus on the flimsy ones shows just like you're, you're like desperate almost for connection. And that's where it's a sign possibly of anxious attachment.

Yeah, yeah. You throw in the note. You threw in the notes. Confirmation bias. And you know, confirmation bias is us looking for signs that like it. It could be used in a lot of different contexts, but in this context, looking for signs that already support your preexisting belief system. So if you believe that this, if you're really into this guy and you're just really attracted to him and you want it to work, you're going to look for every single sign that he's right for you, even if they're incredibly flimsy. It could even be like, oh, we went out to a date and he held the door for me. Oh, that's so sweet. What was he actually like on the date? And it's like, well, he was actually kind of a jerk to the server. My friends really didn't like him very much. He's still married. But they're, but, you know, they're just, they're figuring they're going through divorce soon and you're like, whoa. And we're Talking about him holding the door for you.

Right, That's. See, that's the other, that's the other side of these flimsy signs is like, not only do you not use those as indicators, but like, don't use that flimsy sign to counteract or counterweight other bad things. Right. Because sometimes people do that. It's like he held the door. That's plus one. He was mean to me. That's a minus one. Those, those, you know, cancel each other. I was like, no, no, no, those are not the same. Those are not the same weight.

Yeah, I don't know. But men out there hold doors for women for sure. But also be good guys, be consistent in all ways. Yeah, yeah.

Hold doors and hold good conversations. Like, let's, let's do a little bit of everything, right? All right, so the next subtle sign, it goes along with this too, where it's like, it's a sign of anxious attachment. If early on you just think everything is magical, everything is amazing, everything is perfect. And so early on that just tends to be the case first of all. But generally speaking, like, your need to make everything so magical and perfect is another one of those signs where like you're, you're seeking a connection that may not be there. And I say it may not be there because no person on earth, no relationship on earth is actually truly that perfect and magical. The only way to see it that way is to ignore a lot of things that aren't as perfect as you'd like.

Yeah, I mean, if we're just constantly, always looking for, for always just looking for short term pleasure and like these feelings of just magical connection, you're just going to constantly get short term results. And that's the big shift. I honestly think of all the things that we do with our clients, it's helping our clients think long term in their love Life. Not just three months, not even three years, like 30 years down the line. And if you start thinking of it that way, then suddenly you start downgrading this idea of it mattering how magical it is at first. Like, it's great that it's magical. I love that and I support that. But let's not let other than behavior like lead from there and thinking that this is going to last forever because it's just, it's just not. Like you just gotta always lower the temperature when you're in that moment. Be like, hey, enjoy it. It's fun. This might be the last time you experience this magical experience. But just know this is fleeting, this is going Away. This is absolutely going away. It will not be like this probably ever again. And that's probably a good thing because a real. It's not real.

Well, not. Not only is it fleeting, it's not special. Because what we know from the research on relationships is like, the relationships that end up being really good and the ones that don't make it, the ones that end up breaking up, they both have something in common, which is they both start off pretty darn good. And so like, that early magic isn't magical in any way. It's. It's just typical. That's how relationships start. And so if you bank on that too much, you're focusing on the wrong thing. Right. What you really want to focus on, the strategy to counteract this is kind of a. What have you done for me lately? And how. What is your. What are you doing consistently? Like, not what things used to be like, but it's like, what are they like now? And like, what's actually going on lately? Right. I mean, that's much more important.

Yeah. And just comparing, like, we always talk about the ultimate rel. Relationship we want is the best friend that you're attracted to. The attraction piece is a given. Like you're. It. It's. You're going to be drawn to certain people and then that's. That's going to be there. And if you're saying it's magical, it's probably because you're attracted to the person. So alongside that, bring along your brain of how is this person showing up as a friend? Are they respectful? Are they caring? Do they actually listen to me? Do they show up when I need them? Do they have a potential to be a best friend that I can really confide in? Do I trust this person? Like, all of those things are things that when most people say magical, they're not even thinking about those things because they're so caught up in just, you know, our. We have these lizard brains that are just like, oh my God, this is amazing. Like, I love this person so much. And then procreate and so on and so forth. But if we can bring along that. That mental model, that strategy of thinking about, how do they compare to a true friend? Even think about your closest friends. What's your best friend like? Like, how's that connection? And how does it compare to this particular human being? And once you can start bringing that into the fold, then suddenly it really helps you, I don't know, look at the whole situation from just a different lens.

Yeah, it goes perfectly with something I like to say a lot, which is follow your heart. But take a little strategy with you. Right. It's like you're going to have those inclinations, but it's like bring, bring this other like smart strategy piece with you so that you're making good sense and good decisions along the way. Way.

Right, right. Let's maybe move on to the next one here.

Yeah, so the sixth one. Right. So this, and this is a subtle sign and it's again, seems like the right thing to do. It's like clearing out your life for the relationship. It's like clearing out your calendar, making sure you're totally free so the next time this person wants to go out with you, you're. You're available. Right. And just kind of making them the priority above and beyond everything else. You're not planning things now. You have to make your partner in your relationship a priority. But it's, it's how soon you're putting them above everything else. Right? You've all had that friend who as soon as they start dating somebody, they disappear completely. Oh yeah, that's too much, too soon.

And chances are, if you're still listening to this podcast right now, you've been that friend. Guarantee it. I guarantee it. We've all been that like at some point in time in our lives, we've all kind of been that friend where you drop everything from for that person. And then you realize later that it was totally irrational, it was totally ridiculous. You come begging for forgiveness to all of your friends. You're like, I'll never make that mistake again. But I think that this is, I believe that every new relationship, there's a level of time and affection that they need to earn from you in order to get it. Like, people really need to earn that. And it's not just a given. Within the first three weeks of getting to know someone that they've earned all of your time, all of your attention. And it just can't be like one sided. It can't be all for him. It's got to be balanced, it's got to be fair, it's got to be equal between the two of you. And if you're finding that like the moment you just meet that guy that you really like, oh my God, he's just amazing, you're just throwing out the rest of your life. Not only are you setting yourself up for a disaster, but you're also like you, you not only are going to set yourself up to potentially be with the wrong guy, but also you're setting yourself up to push away the right guys because you could end up once again being that kind of like, I hate to use the word, but I have no other word for it, which is the stage five clinger. You just like throw everything else away and you're totally available to them.

And the most practical thing is those one sided relationships just don't last. Like it takes two people to sustain a relationship. And so if you're just like prioritizing them so much that that makes it very one sided toward them and that's just, that's just not going to last. Now the seventh sign is, sounds opposite almost of the previous one, which is rather than like over prioritize them, it's like no, no, no, I'm going to just incorporate them into everything of mine. Right. And that's this idea of like quickly integrating them by like sharing your friends, sharing your family. They come to every family function early on in the relationship, work functions, they, they're all like always by your side with everything you're doing. Like you can't do things alone anymore and you just bring them along because like we're a couple now. Like we couples do couple things together and it's like they do, but not everything.

Right, right.

Everything.

Yeah, yeah, especially, especially family in particular. And if you're, we have a lot of moms in our program and women that we work with who have children. God help us if you're starting to date a guy. Don't incorporate them into your child's life until you've been together, until you're in little love. Step seven for anywhere from I would say three to six months. Like until you're in a loving, committed, exclusive relationship with someone for I mean I, I think our bare minimum in the little love steps is three months. But I'd probably be even more conservancy, more like six months. Because you don't want to involve their feelings in this situation and you want to integrate them too quick because it's really hard to know if someone's going to be long lasting until you've been with them for at least six months and really a year. And reserve those connections with your family and your friends and your, you know, everyone else in your life. Reserve those for the best relationships and the real relationships that you think are really going to last.

Yeah, it's got it, it's got to be the right time and you got to make sure that those special things stay special. And sometimes people try to accelerate the importance of a relationship by like infusing extra special moments and it's like, well, if he meets my mom and he meets my dog and he meets my kids and he meets all these people and I bring them to my work function, that's going to make our relationship just take off and thrive. And it's like, that's not exactly how it works. Like, you want the relationship to earn those things, and then those will propel the relationship forward. It's like you can't speed it up artificially by just, like, bringing your. Your partner to, you know, your company picnic.

Look, I will say, though, I'm not a big dog guy, so if you want to introduce him to your dog early, fine. That's the one. I'm okay with that. The other ones, your dog can be the one you just pass out to all the guys that you date, because, you know what the. So cute. I love that. But the other ones, save them for the real guy, right? Slow it down.

Well, if your dog doesn't like them, that's a sign. I. I don't know how much that's true. I will say that. I don't know if that's science, but it's like, if my dog didn't like somebody, I'm trusting them.

Gary, I don't know, man. I've been bit by two dogs in the past, like, three years, by the way. I grew up with dogs. Like, I. I actually do love dogs, but I've been bit twice. Both were kite surfing, so. And one I had to go to the hospital from, so. I don't know, man. Dogs don't seem to like me right now. I don't know what's going on here.

Maybe it's because you're in a wet suit and you look like a seal.

Maybe it really is, dude. It was so gnarly. Like, I was on the sand. I had my kite. It was so windy. And a dog just lunges at my ankle and just, like, splits it open. And I'm like. And it was a tiny little bastard. Like, he just got me. I came home to Jess. I'm like, a dog bit me again. She's like, what is wrong with you and dogs? I'm like, I don't know. So it's funny.

I'm a dog person. I have a dog. Like, I have a chocolate Labrador. But it's like, when I go running in the park, it happens at least once a month where, like, I'm running and I'll come up behind somebody with, like, a little dog, and the dog, like, lunges at me, and I gotta, like, matrix my way out. Of the way to, like, not get bit.

But it's the little ones you gotta be scared of.

It's true. It is.

All right, back on track, though, here. Let's go to the final one, which is getting too physical too fast, right, Gary? Like, it's like, when you're in that connection, you just feel like your stars are aligned, the conversations flowing, the wine is flowing, and you can just. It just. Everything feels right. You go with your feeling, go with your heart. Like, this is exactly how it should be. And what ends up happening when we do that.

It's all physical. It's all the chemistry. It's like. It's this overpowering. It's like. And the research shows, right, if you're anxiously attached. Anxiously attached people tend to have more highly sexualized relationships. Because, remember, one of the fundamental characteristics of anxious attachment is a need for extreme closeness. And so physical relations, like, that's an easy way to show how close you want to be to somebody. Now. It's. It's an easy way, and it's actually not the most important way. Like, you actually like physical. It's. It's cheap. It's quick. It's easy, right? It's not that long.

It's fun.

Yeah, it's fun, sure. It takes moments, whereas, like, the real emotional intimacy takes days, weeks, months, years. It gets. It's a slower, more patient process, and that's not always enough, soon enough for someone who's anxiously attached from a man.

To a large number of single women. Right now, I have a message to you. If a man is willing to sleep with you, it means just about nothing, right? I mean, honestly, especially if he's just single and you go on a date and he's giving you validation, he's. He's willing to pull out all the stops to get you into bed. Doesn't mean anything. It really doesn't. It's a harsh reality. Like, it. It just is. I mean, I'm a guy. I know that feeling in the back of our minds when you're talking to a woman and then you sleep with her and you're like, no, I actually. I don't know, maybe this wasn't the right fit. I don't know. Because you. Then you get to know the person later, and it's not a good fit. So, like, I. I just have to throw that out there. Was it something like, this is where the big brother, Adam, comes in with all of our clients, which is. Just because he's pursuing you for sex does not mean he likes you on an emotional level. So waiting, slowing it down, allowing for the friendship to develop, allowing for that emotional attraction to exist between the two of you is the best avenue forward. And by the way, you're going to lose some guys along the way because some guys aren't going to want to wait. And if they don't want to wait, good riddance. Next. Move on to the next because all they were going to do is sleep with you and leave anyways.

Yeah, you're going to lose some, but you're losing all the right ones. And that's important. That's an important mental shift in terms of how you're dating is like your job is not to make every possible partner work out. It's really not. It's to make the right ones work out and only be available for the right ones. And the ones that aren't right for you to not let those work out and not be, you know, upset about it. It. And so the thing that we talk about in the program all the time, which is it's, it's a tough lesson, but it's a very important one, is patience is important, discipline is important. And we emphasize this concept of pacing. It's like purposefully doing things to slow yourself down. And if you're actually attached, you want to do the exact opposite. Which is why we create like these little rules almost about how often you can see people, how much time in between things, how much time the guy has to give you before he sets up the next day date with like, there's a bunch of things, these little mechanisms, these little strategies in the program that kind of help you pace, slow things down so you don't become your own worst enemy with this stuff.

Yeah, they're just guardrails. And guardrails are helpful when you're just getting out there and dating, but they are critical when you meet someone that you really like. And they are absolutely foundational if you meet someone you really like and you have anxious attachment. So just know that you can work on this, you can be aware of it, you can change your behavior. You're completely empowered. Don't allow yourself to feel a victim to being anxious, having an anxious attachment. If you do, you can change this. We've, we've, we've proof of it of literally thousands of clients we've worked with. So now is the time to empower your love life, taking some of these strategies. Move forward with them. Let's find you that secure attachment guy you can spend the rest of your life with. That was great. Thank you, Gary.

Thanks Adam.

All right, so now we're at the end of the podcast and hopefully you got a lot of really great information from this podcast. But as we know, information can only take you so far. It's time to take some action. So what I recommend you do now is head on over to loveapply.com it's going to walk you through a series of questions and then you'll be able to book what we call a complimentary love strategy session. Yes, you've heard it. Someone on my team is going to get on a phone call with you, be able to understand your situation, what it is that you're struggling with in your love life and create that strategy to help you attract that man, that relationship you truly deserve. So take that action. Go make it happen. We cannot wait to speak with you loveapply.com and yeah, let's help you create that love life you truly deserve.

All right, speak soon. Bye.

Bye.