Am I With the Wrong Person? Time to Quit or Commit?

So over the last decade, we have helped tens of thousands of women make this very important decision when they start dating a guy. And that is, should I commit to him or should I quit? Is he worth my time and my energy to be exclusive and to really focus all my energy on this one particular person, or should I move on and try and find someone better? And that's exactly what we'll be going over in today's podcast. Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast, where we help successful women at attract high value men, date with a strategy and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else. Backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of love strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. Gary, you excited for this one?

I'm pumped. Pumped. Because this is one of the seminal questions in all relationships. Should I stay or should I go?

Yeah, exactly. And I think one of the biggest challenges that no one talks about out there is not. It's not the challenge of when you're talking to a guy that is a clear. No, it's not. Of course the challenge. It's not even a challenge when you're talking to a guy that has a clear yes, it's the guy that's like a five or a six. The guy that's kind of the mediocre relationship. It's kind of that he's okay. Right. Like, Gary, have you ever dated a woman who's just like. You're like, yeah, like, she's all. She's all right. I kind of like her.

Yeah. They give you this strong sense of meh. They're not so awful that you know for sure that you have to start plotting your exit strategy. Like, it's not that bad, but it's also not so good that you're not thinking, shouldn't this be better? Like, shouldn't this. Shouldn't I expect more out of life? Shouldn't I expect more out of this relationship? Can I do better? Should I do better? It's hard to know.

It feels kind of like a rel. Relationship purgatory. Right. It's like tenaciously mediocre.

Right.

It's just one of those things, you know? And I feel like it's. It's very similar to a job like that. A lot of People will have, where some people will have a job that's like, clearly sucks. Like, nothing against flipping burgers at McDonald's, but that's not a job that anyone wants to have. That's a clear, like, let's get out of this as soon as possible. It's the job where you're working in the office every day. I always, I always kind of shit on accountants. So sorry for all the accounts out there, but it's like the accountants out there who are just doing their thing and like, they're like, ah, this is so mediocre, you know? You know, and it's like, but it pays the bills and I do really well with it. You know, is it the right thing or is it the wrong thing? And I think a lot of people get stuck in these relationships that kind of feel like an accounting job. Again, I'm sorry to all those accountants out there, but I've just chosen a profession that I'm going to forever make fun of as being. It's just the job that I would least want to have personally.

It's. It's better that you just pick one job and just kind of ride it versus picking on a different job every week. And then we get angry emails from all different jobs. So Good.

That's true. Well, now I got people who work at McDonald's and I got accountants on my shit list. So sorry, everybody.

I think what's really going on with this is it's confusing because these relationships lack clarity. Right? And you want to be clear about your path forward. Interesting. Interestingly enough, there's been research on the stay go decisions. And what the research found was there were basically 50 reasons that people consider when they're trying to decide if they should stay or if they should go. 27 reasons to stay and 23 reasons to go. Now, that's interesting in the sense that there's almost the same number on either side. But I think the most interesting part of this, this research is they looked at about 200 people who were thinking about breaking up or ending a marriage. And what they found was people who were thinking about ending their relationship had an above average inclination to stay. Right there. There's like that powerful sense of inertia. Like, hey, there are some good elements of this. But those exact same people also had an above average inclination to go. And it's like, that is the definition of conflict, right? They're conflicted, they're confused, they don't know what the heck to do. Because I got all these reasons to stay. I got all These reasons to go. And that's what makes this type of relationship so hard. And it's. It's hard for people to talk about because, you know, if you start complaining too much, it's like, someone's gonna look at your relationship like, but. But you're. You're with this great guy. He's great in this way, this way, this way. And it's like, oh, you're right. But he's also awful in these other ways. And it's like, oh, gosh, you're right about that, too. And it's like, now what? Now what? And that's what we're trying to figure out today.

Yeah. So today I think we're gonna give you some clarity. And before we even get into all of this, I just want to say that it's perfectly natural to question relationships. It's very, very normal. Even if you're in a great relationship, you know, you get in a blowout fight, and it' the worst fight you've ever been in. And the inclination is like, screw this. Like, I don't want to do this anymore. This is not right for me. And so if you've ever experienced that, you know, we're going to give you some things like that that is natural for a lot of people to go through, and that's normal. And today, what we want to do is parse out those types of situations where it's a healthy relationship and we should stay versus those where it's like, oh, man, it's this nagging thing that you're feeling constantly, this constant conflict, and it's, like, erupting in you, and it's getting worse and wor. Worse and worse. And now you have to make this decision, do I stay or do you go? Even though there's some good parts of them, there's some bad parts. And so this is what we're going to try to do, is simplify this process and give you some tools that you can use to make it happen.

Yeah. And I think, like, with so many of the podcasts that we do, we're trying to take these things of these aspects of relationships that are very emotional and show you how to look at them a little bit more strategically. Right. And so that reaction after you have a fight or a disagreement, which is like, screw it, I'm leaving. That's an emotional reaction. And so what we're trying to do is walk back from that a little bit and just be a little bit more purposeful and intentional with how we're examining our relationship. So we make better decisions, Basically, yeah.

So let's start with the question, like, do you really have a problem? Like, are you adrift when it comes to love? And, Gary, you put together the three Ls of knowing all of this, so why don't you kind of walk us through these? I would love to hear it.

Sure. Yeah. And so, you know, I just said about emotions in relationships. And so I think, you know, when you're not really sure about the path forward, you're really essentially what I'm calling adrift in love. And so being adrift means that you're experiencing three different things. The first is you're lonely, which is weird because you're with somebody. And we always think of being lonely as something that happens when you're frankly, alone. But you can feel lonely within your relationship if you're not getting your needs met. And the research shows that people feel lonely in marriages, and that's particularly true if their partner's demanding, critical. So it is possible to feel lonely in your relationship, and in many ways, that's the worst type of loneliness because you're with someone who should be meeting the need that's resulting in you being lonely in the first place. Right. And so that's particularly problematic the second L. Oh, go ahead.

Oh. So I didn't mean to cut you off, but I would just say it's so much better to be single and lonely than lonely and married. But, you know, like, being lonely and married, you're stuck. You know, you feel really, really stuck. But if you're lonely and single, guess what? You can be unlonely pretty quickly with some strategies. So I just thought I'd throw that in there.

Yeah, no, absolutely. And that's exactly the right way to think about it. It's a very optimistic and positive spin on. On something that's at the time, doesn't seem that great. I think the other thing that makes you people really feel stuck in relationships is this sense of longing. And so it's this sense of that what you want from your partner, it's possible, it's there, it seems like it's in reach, but yet at the same time, it also seems permanently elusive. And so you want more connection, you want more intimacy, you want more growth, and you. You sense that your partner can provide all those things, and yet they don't. And so that creates this sense of, like, more longing. Give me some more stuff. Which is very much related to the third and final L, which is languishing, which is this sense that you want to make progress and yet you can't that as you keep pouring effort into this relationship, you keep trying, you keep maneuvering and like, trying to have conversations and trying to plan date nights and, and just really, really trying to make this work. That essentially you're sprinting just to stay in the same place. And that is a really. We talk all the time in this podcast about empowerment. Languishing is, is an ultimate disempowering feeling where it just, it doesn't matter what you do. You can try, try, try, try, try. And you're just, you're just not getting anywhere.

Yeah, if it just feels like a black hole, you're just putting everything into it. You're pouring your heart into it. You're making plans, you're trying to fix things, you're trying to go about it differently, trying to change yourself, trying to see areas where he can obviously lean in as well. Not happening. It just leads to a total, utter feeling of loneliness, you know, and just, you know, hopelessness throughout the whole process. Are you getting tired of the guys who don't want to commit and are you ready to attract that long lasting relationship? Well, for podcast listeners, we have a very special training that is available at he commits.com when you go over there, you can go ahead and reserve a seat. We are going to walk you through the five secret strategies that make men commit. I want you to discover your power and make guys beg for your affection. Go to hecommits.com and you can dive deep into that content. All right, back to the pod. So there's a few different ways to think about this. And there's, you know, when you're stuck with feeling adrift in love, there's really five strategies to figure this out. And there's some questions you can really ask yourself in order to be able to make this decision. And the first one would be, what would this look like if it were simple? What would it look like if it were simple? Yet, like, yes, it's very complicated. Yes, it's confusing. There's a lot to consider. But what if you completely simplify this whole process, like remove all the specifics, all the details, all the what ifs, all the maybes from the situation moving forward, you really have three choices. If you think about it, just break it down to this. You can stay and accept it as it is because acceptance is key. You're probably not going to be able to change him. Two is you can go and leave this situation, or three is you can improve and really work at it. And when you have this and you have these simple three choices, really have that kind of check in with yourself. What is your immediate reaction? What do you immediately come to when you ask yourself this? Do you stay? Do you go? Or do you improve and work at it? And whatever that initial reaction is, you want to be listening to it. And check in with yourself quite regularly. Don't do it right after a bad fight because you're going to just be like, I'm getting out of here. I'm going to go. I'm not working on this. But if you do it regularly and not an emotional state, do it after a workout at the gym. Do it after you go for a walk, skip rocks down by the pond, and really think to yourself, is this right for me? You're going to start to get a little bit of data, honestly, on really your intuition and how you're feeling. And one thing you mentioned earlier before this podcast, Gary, is this idea of flipping a coin. I would love for you to kind of dive into that.

Yeah. And so I love that this first one is, you know, what would it look like if it's simple? Because we're talking about a decision that's fundamentally not simple. And so we try to make complex things more complicated because we think that that's the way out. And sometimes it's just helpful to go the complete other way. And so you mentioned there's three different ways to go about it. Stay, go, or improve. I think sometimes it's even simpler than that. It's flip a coin. It's heads we stay, tails we go. And you do this in the sense of you flip that coin, and while it's in the air, you're going to have a gut reaction as to which way you hope it lands. Right. And so that's one way that this helps. So it's in the air and you're like, oh, gosh, I hope this lands on stay. Now you have a sense of your next move. If you're hoping, like, you know what, it'd be kind of nice if this actually went with the tails. We go, and I can get out of here and have almost an excuse to get out of here. That's also very telling. The second way that this helps is, why the flip? Are you flipping a coin to decide your relationship? Like, that's kind of flipping crazy, right? Like, why? Like, if I just gave you this suggestion to flip a coin to decide the fate of your relationship, you're like, you know what? That's a pretty good idea. I think I'm gonna go give that a Try find a quarter. What are you doing? What are you doing with your life that is so telling that you're willing to put the fate of your relationship to a coin flip.

They're listening to you, Gary. Come on. You told them to flip a coin, and then they're like, why am I doing this? You're like, exactly.

Exactly. You're willing to do this. I think that's a piece of information you can use going forward.

Yeah. I actually really like this strategy, I gotta say. I'm gonna start doing this for big decisions in my life. Just. Just the act of flipping the coin and being like, what would I want this? You catch it, cover it with your hand and be like, what would I want this to be like, really? If I. Like, this is going to actually tell me the fate of my life, and this is real. What would I want? And then you look and you're like, no. And then it kind of gives you a lot of insight as to your initial kind of gut feelings about the stuff situation.

I love it. It's so stupidly simple, right? It's like, of all the strategies we've ever suggested on this podcast, it's probably the stupidest, simplest one, but yet still useful.

It's probably more useful than talking to your single girlfriends for three hours at a time about this guy. I guarantee it. Because you're. They're going to throw you in a million different directions. They're probably going to confuse you even more. Well, he's also really good. Or, you know, actually, single girlfriends will typically tell you, you should go. You deserve better. You know, this guy isn't right. If you're feeling at all a problem in the relationship, get out of there. And it's like, you've been divorced four times. Like, why am I listening to you? Like, why am I. And nothing against me, divorced four times. It's just, perhaps you might not be the right person to look for. For advice.

It's like. It's like asking your friend who crashes their car every week, like, for driving.

Tips, not how do I go really, really fast and not crash my car. He's like, well, I don't really know, but here. What I would do. Here's what I should do. Oh, that's funny.

Well, speaking of crashing, our second. Our second strategy is, if you're really trying to make this decision, set up guard rails for yourself. And so what we mean by guardrails in this context are benchmarks and deadlines. Because part of what makes this decision about staying or going, committing or quitting, so hard is, it's ambiguous and it's hard to really know the right timing, the right amount of information. And so rather than waiting and wishing, what we're suggesting is create clear markers. And so what we mean with that in terms of benchmarks are, you know, what signs, what specific signs do you need to see? And a lot of this is to stay in the relationship, right? How much progress is there going to be? How much ownership and effort and buy in and desire from, grow for growth do you need to see from your partner and frankly from yourself? Because it's not just like, you know, your relationship gets to this point where you're not really sure if you should stay or go and then you flip a switch and like, I'm all in. This is perfect. Set up some clear markers so you know how to gauge your progress along the way. The other piece of that is don't just leave it open ended. There should be some deadlines. Know what you need to see and when you need to see it by. And I'm not saying a deadline like, you know, in six months from now if Todd hasn't fully turned his life around. No, no, that's too far. Like we want to start seeing progress immediate, immediately, this week at the most, I would say two weeks out. Because change is incremental changes in all at once. And so if you're saying, oh, within three months or by the end of the summer or by the new, it's just, it's way too long and you just give yourself more and more time to get entrenched in a bad relationship. Set clear markers, set clear deadlines and you know, it doesn't have to be huge things within the next couple days, but there needs to be progress. And then you just kind of build on that progress. Build and build and build and you will get there in six months.

Yeah, yeah. And, and if you are looking for progress in the relationship or in the partner, before you start looking for that progress, have a very clear, courageous conversation with clarity, exactly as Gary was talking about, about what you want to see. You know, and let's say it is Brad. I forget the name that you use or the guy. Brad is really, you know, not, not putting in his all at work. He just got laid off and he's just sitting at home playing video games all day. Like, look, to set a deadline, two weeks that he's got a job and he's crushing, it would be probably unrealistic. But a clear conversation with him would just look like, look, I care a lot about you And I believe that you have so much potential and only say it if you believe it. And I just want to see you thrive in life. And I'm really concerned. And so first off, I'd love to get your thoughts on where it is that you want to be in the next few months and get his thoughts and then set a assuming he's like, yeah, I don't want to be playing video games all day and eating doritos and gaining 20 pounds, talking to weird people on the Internet as I play Call of Duty. Like, assuming he says that, then now you kind of put together a game plan together. And it might be just in the next two weeks, he sends out some resumes, he starts playing less video games and you see progress. Now that's a two week marker. Then you start seeing it grow and grow and grow and you get people out of their slump, you know, slowly but surely. And that's what we mean by like having these progress markers. I wouldn't set like a marker. If he doesn't have a job in two months, I'm out. So I love that, that piece of advice, I think that's important, Gary. Good stuff.

I would also say one last piece on that is, you know, we just framed that all about all the things he needs to be doing. You also need to be courageous in that conversation to be clear about what it is you're going to be doing that's different over that same time frame. Because one of the best things to do in a relationship is give what you want to get. You have more control over yourself. And so if you say, hey, you know what, over these next few days, I'm going to be doing X, Y and Z. Over the next week, I'm going to do A, B and C. That models the good behavior. And now we have just this constant norm of reciprocity where if we see our partner doing something, we feel like we need to step up too. Here's the thing. Some of you just thought right after I said that, oh, gosh, he's never going to step up. Well, that's starting to give you some information too.

Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, we always say, you know, Jim Rohn has this famous quote that you're the average of the five people you spend the most time with. But I believe taking that a step further, you are the average of the person you marry and, or the person that you're in a relationship with really, because you're you. You kind of rub off on each other. And that can be a good thing or a Bad thing. And let's say that he needs to improve and work on his himself. Let's say you want him to start exercising more, you know, working on his job. Guess what? You start doing those things, it's going to rub off on him. He's going to see it. And because he's going to become the average of you, he's going to get some of those good parts from you and vice versa. There's going to be some things that you. That you might be lacking that rubs off from him, that he's got as far as strengths. So it all starts with that courageous conversation, going into it with clarity as well as an open mind on what you might be receiving. Because in that situation, Brad might just be like, well, you've been super critical of me. I feel really deflated. I'm just exhausted by it. I'm kind of giving up. Rather than being like, well, you suck and you don't have a job. You can just instead be like, okay, I understand. I want to be more of a coach. Like, I just want to help. I want to be there to support. And so that would be a great conversation coming out of that, where it's like, you're going to support, guide where needed, and he's going to step up to the plate. And if you both kind of do that together, you can get out of slumps pretty quickly. But the problem is most people don't do that. Most people allow their egos to come in, both men and women. They don't want to actually solve any types of problems. They just want to protect their own ego and their own challenges. And it's hard, man. This stuff is hard. But it all starts with that courageous conversation and then checking in with it step by step. Which kind of lends me to the third point with talking about courageous conversation. I want you all to have a courageous conversation with yourself because it's really hard to know what to do in any given situation. So what do a lot of people do? They go to their friends for advice, and they want to hear what other people have to say. And I think that's really helpful. But all of you listening have probably given your friends some pretty good advice. Like, if they're in a situation with a guy and he's clearly like, just not the right person, I'm sure you've been there to support them and guide them out of there. Or maybe you're just, like, pulling your hair, like, what are you thinking with this guy? And so rather than thinking about it, you giving advice to your Friends, I would want you to start giving advice to yourself and really speaking to yourself. What if your friend was in the situation that you are in right now? What would you suggest? What would you suggest? What would you say to that person if she is currently in the situation you're in? And it's a good friend, It's a friend who has a lot of context. She knows everything about the situation because it's you, you're the person actually doing this. And what would they, what should they do? Like what questions should they ask? Like what signs should they look for? And suddenly if you kind of reframe the conversation, as in like you are giving yourself advice as a friend, suddenly you get some really, really interesting answers. So this is, this is a good one. This is an important one to check in with yourself when you're in these situations.

Yeah, I, I love that advice because we are really good at seeing other people's situations very objectively and giving well founded advice in those situations. It's something, you know, you want to get a little nerdy about it. Research. We, we talk about this as psychological distance. So, you know, every once in a while you see someone like, it's the doctor who doesn't eat healthy herself, right? And it's like, well, why? How could that possibly be? Or you know, somebody who's a parenting expert who has a kid who's out of control, like, what's going on there? Well, it's like when it's your own problem, it can be tough to see it objectively. Feelings and emotions and history and inertia, all these things get in the way. But that's where you try to purposely create a little psychological distance and do exactly what you said, which is what would you suggest if a friend was in your exact situation? All of a sudden it flips your perspective just enough to give that extra boost of objectivity to let you see things more clearly.

Gary, can I tell you a quick story? Sideline, I went to a doctor and she was a geneticist because Jess and I are starting to think about family planning a little bit. And she's talking about family trees and all this stuff and you know, going through all of it and she's like, do you exercise? I'm like, yeah, I exercise like four or five days a week. I do crossfit, by the way. Side note, this woman was like 350 pounds. I'm not kidding you. She was so unhealthy looking, I can't even tell you, like looks like she. And that's okay. And that's fine. But she looks me in the eye and she says, you need to stop doing that immediately. I'm like, why? She's like, it's very dangerous. It's bad for your joints. I'm like, okay, like, interesting. And that's true. Like, look, CrossFit is bad for my joints, but like, I'd rather be, I'd rather have bad joints and be exercising than like, I. So badly. I can't even tell you how bad. I had to bite my tongue and be like, who are you to give me this advice right now? Like, I know you're a doctor, but man, that one really grinded my gears, dude.

I think it's also a really good example of there's no perfect path and you want to choose which problem you'd rather have.

Good points. That's so true.

Right? Like, would you rather have joint problems, possibly, or heart disease? Definitely.

Yes. Exactly. For those who are listening, I actually stopped doing CrossFit, but not because of her. I just go to a regular gym. That's fine. But man, oh man, it was one of those moments. I've told this story a number of times because it was so mind boggling. And that is so true with doctors where it's just like they can't see through their own kind of training and their own prism. And I think that is true for, for many people.

So, yeah, I mean, we all, we all have this tendency to get lost in the weeds and not see the big picture sometimes. And that's, that's what makes all decision making tough. Right. And so it actually segues really nicely to our, our fourth strategy here, which is, I think there are two questions. There's a defining two questions you can ask to really kind of zoom out at the 3,000 foot level and just decide whether this is the right relationship for you. And so the first question is, does your partner make you a better person and do you do the same for them? Right. Because that is. We talk a lot in the program about relationship synergy, making each other better people. Super, super important. Does your partner make you a better person and do you do the same for them? Because it's a two way street. The other one is, do you and your partner think more in terms of we and us or more in terms of you and I? And so that's really showing, like, how much are you operating at a couple level as a, you know, combined unit and having your identity being fused with that other person. And if you're in a good relationship, you are very much of the we and us and our. If you're starting to separate and think more of, like, I do this, you do that, you're creating distance, and that's not necessarily a good sign.

Yeah. I love these questions so much, Gary, because I think so many meh. Relationships come from two partners who are actually very good people and who are probably not bad in relationships. They're just not right for each other. And that happens a lot. Like, it's really. I don't wanna say it's easy, but it's more obvious when you're with someone who is narcissistic sociopath who just treats you awful. And like, I know a lot of people struggle with that, but that it's more obvious to at least an external person that, like, okay, this is toxic. This is not right. It's the ones where it's like, man, I really like Jane and Jim. Like, they're. They're great. They just have a weird dynamic with each other. They're just not right for each other. And when you ask these questions, suddenly it kind of gets to the heart of it. Right? Like, it just. It kind of cuts through all the fluff. It could be like, yeah, well, Jim is a great guy, but, man, we don't make each other better. Honestly. We're constantly in conflict of one another and he's just starting to separate. I'm starting to do my own thing and we're not a unit. And then it just suddenly kind of cuts through all of it and you're like, we're probably not right for each other. That's it. Probably not right for each other. So it's a really important one.

Yeah. And this is. This is what I like about these suggestions that we're putting out. There is, again, this is a complicated decision, but I think there are some really easy ways to simplify it, to gain a lot of clarity. And it's. So, you know, we've talked about four different strategies. The last one is for those of you who are thinking like, yeah, but I'm going to have to have a conversation with this guy. How the heck do I do that? And so our last strategy is to conduct what we're calling a stay interview. And so companies do this with current employees, right? So this is like a check in. Sometimes people call like a pulse survey or, you know, colloquially a vibe check. Like, just, how are you doing? And so, you know, we're talking about whether you're going to stay or leave a relationship. And so having a conversation with your partner is a big piece of that. And so to have this stay interview, the first key is scheduling. And so it's as simple as saying, I like to get together this Thursday and just talk about things this way. You put it out there, you put it on the schedule, and frankly, we are doing this completely so we do not chicken out so that we actually have this conversation.

And just a side note, I would not recommend calling it a stay interview to him.

Yes, that is.

That is something that we are calling as a, you know, love, dating, coaching company. But I wouldn't be like, hey, we're gonna have a stay interview on Thursday. Just, it can be pretty casual. And also, like, sometimes getting out of your environment for this conversation and be like, hey, let's grab a cup of coffee. I think we should talk about a few things on Thursday. Not a big deal. It's no big deal, but kind of getting out of your environment I think is really helpful. The second part of this is just checking in to, like, what's working, what's good about this situation? Because a lot of times with these types of conversations, and I am so guilty of this myself, both professionally and romantically, you just want to jump into, like, the needs improvement area. You know, you just want to, because that's what's top of mind. But they. What do they call it? The shit sandwich. You want to start with the good, then what needs improvement and then ends with the good. Excuse all my cursing today. I think I had a little too much caffeine and just my cursing's coming out hard. But you know, you want to start with the good, right? Because if you just jump right into the crap, then guess what? Someone's going to get on the defensive, talk about what's going really well. What do you really appreciate about each other? What are you really grateful for with each other? And that would just be something that you can just kind of kick off as a conversation. It sets the right tone. And there you go. I love that. It's a great start.

Yeah. And when you're doing this, like you said, the thing that's gonna be top of mind is the what's wrong part. And so that's the third key, is what's missing. And so you are going to get to this part, but this is not going to be an airing of the grievances. This is not going to be a long list of complaints. It's going to be less focused on the past and more focused on the present and the future. And so you're going to ask things like, what do you want to See, how would. How do you want this relationship to progress going forward? And then you can say things like, I'm hoping that we can. And so it's not demanding. It's. But it's. It's being clear about what you want in a. We need to work on this together. It's you and I versus the problem versus me, instead of it being me versus you. Right. You don't want to have that kind of framing. You want to talk about, you know, what should the both of us do differently? What about our relationship? Would you like to see us improve? And so you can just see, just with those subtle pronoun changes, it's more about us together working about the problem instead of, you know, I would really like you to change about yourself, which is, you know, automatically puts people on the defensive.

Gary, I think that this is genius. We've never talked about this before, and I'm really blown away by that concept because I just think it's so easy in a relationship for you to only focus on two dynamics, which is him and you. But there's always the third dynamic, which is the relationship. And by focusing on the relationship, it separates the ego from it. It separates this, as in, again, you're working together to improve this other thing, you know, and suddenly now it becomes a partnership again to solve which, you know, again, the relationship is a dynamic between you and him, but it separates this from the ego. And I could see how someone would be far less defensive in that situation and so much more opening to, like, yeah, I want to improve this thing too. Let's make it happen together. That is. It's genius, dude. I love it.

Collaborative instead of competitive. Right? Super important.

Yeah. Which I think segues well to the fourth point, which is all about owning this. You know, we talk a lot about the idea of having an ownership mentality versus a victim mentality. A victim mentality is. Things happen to me, and, you know, I have no control. Ownership is like, everything that happens is within, you know, my purview. I have. I am responsible for the life that I've created and the decisions I.

That.

That I make. Because at the end of the day, in a relationship, you're in this too, right? You've been there, and you played a role in whatever the current dynamic is, you know, and if at the end of the day, he's. He is completely at fault, you still need to own that, because you're still there. So no matter what, that's still a decision that you haven't made yet. Right. So at the End of the day, there's always a level of ownership and you. And usually relationships. No, not usually. Relationships are never that black and white. So there's always a combination of you and him who've been playing into this. And the first thing that we can do is own what we need to improve in a relationship, because again, it sets the tone. Like, this is what I need to do and improve on. And by saying that, you're now setting the tone for, hey, we're going to make a change, I'm going to make a change. And then you could ask him simply like, how about you right now, you set the tone. It's far less defensive if you. If you start that by being like, well, what are you going to work on after all of this? He's just going to be like, what are you going to work on? So the framing of this and the order is super important. And by taking that ownership, he's going to be far more likely to also take ownership.

Well, remember, everybody is really sensitive to fairness. And if you start by saying, this is what I need to work on now, it just implied it's only fair that you also have something to work on. And that is just a much better way to approach this conversation or in really any relationship conversation than the here's what I think you need to do. Because like Adam just said, it's a trigger to be defensive. Like, what do you talk. What do you mean I gotta do? No, no, no, no. Right. And so people just kind of. Kind of shut you down. And so the last key with this stay interview or this conversation is just listen more than you speak. Think. Right? You're the one that is wanting to have this conversation, but really what you want out of this conversation more than anything is clarity. You're gonna. You already know what you think. Fight the urge to fill the. The air with words when he's quiet, Pause, reflect, give him a chance to really explain what he's doing, because you're gonna get better, better data out of that conversation. And the neurotamine just has to remind better data leads to better decisions.

Amen. So when it comes to making this decision, we do not take this lightly. And we don't say that it's an easy decision. I get it. This is. It's complicated. And when you involve emotions in a decision, oh, my God, does that get 10 times even more difficult in many ways. But we do have a core piece of advice that is don't make any big decisions on good days or bad days. Don't get Married. Because he took you out on this amazing night out together and you saw fireworks and you had the best sex of your life. And oh, my God, then he proposes to you. Bad time. Decide to get married. Same thing with don't break. Don't decide to break up just because you got in your first fight. Right. The best time to make a decision is on an average day, a typical day, when the emotion. Because in this sense, by nature, your emotions are tampered down. Now you can actually start listening to that intuition, your gut feeling. It's very hard to listen to your gut and your intuition when your emotions are raging, either positive or negative. And so, yeah, Gary, you always mention, like, this is similar to, like an Olympic judge.

Yeah. And so, you know, Olympic judges, they, you know, you have 10 people judge an event, and what they do is they throw out the high score and the low score. That way you get the middle. And I think that's the right way to look at relationships, too, because you are not your best on your best days or you're not as. As worst as you are on your worst days. It's like you want to figure out who your partner is on their most typical day. That's what's important. I would say the one exception with making decisions about staying or leaving, committing or quitting, is if you want to quit after a good day, that's a pretty telling sign.

Amen. So for all those who are going through, all through this right now, I hope this gives you some clarity. I hope this gives you some confidence in your decision. And just realize at the end of the day, when you do make these decisions, it's never going to feel 100% either way. What's most important is once you make the decision, stick to it, and then drive forward with a new strategy, a new path. The worst thing that we can do is be in purgatory for years and years and years, 5, 10, 20 years going back and forth. So make the decision either way, commit to it, get focused, and we're here for you every single step of the way. So now you've reached the end of the podcast. Thank you so much for being here. And because you have proven that you are serious about attracting love, you wouldn't be listening to this podcast if you didn't feel that way. What I'd love for you to do is go to loveapply.com where you can apply for a complimentary love strategy session where a professional love strategist on my team is going to speak with you directly and be able to see whether or not our executive love coaching programs can be transformational for you and your love life. There's absolutely no fee whatsoever. All you got to do is head on over to loveapply.com schedule that session, and you could be speaking with someone on my team over the next couple days. All right. Thanks so much. Talk to you soon. Bye. Bye.