Are Men Really Turned Off By Successful Women? The Harsh Truth

And if a man is successful, he's well educated, he. He is emotionally intelligent, he takes care of his body, he's going to want to be with a woman who's on the same level. Necessary. Like he just wants to be with his equal men. Now, would he sleep with a woman who may not be successful, may not be on the same level? Probably because he's a guy. Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast, where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy, and improve relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of love strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. All right, Gary, today we're going to be answering the age old question, or attempting to answer the age old question, which is, are men really turned off by successful women or is that a myth? And the reason why we're discussing this is because the vast majority of our clients, 99% of them, are extremely successful. Right. They are the television personalities, they are lawyers, they're doctors, they're corporate executives, they are, you know, nurses, doctors. These are the types of people who are the go getters in life. And I think coaching programs in general tend to attract those types of people because they're learners and they're growers. And one thing that we hear constantly is men are repelled by me because I'm successful. And that is something that I really want to address with so many women out there, because I feel like if the answer is yes to that, then the only solution to that is to play dumb. Like, what else is there?

What else?

Be less successful if you want to find love. So of course that is not the solution, and that is not where we're going to be pointing you towards. Is a little bit of a teaser to today's podcast, but I don't know. Gary, what do you think on this topic?

I think this is one of those ones. I think you're right. You know, so many of our clients fall into this category of being super successful, and it's confusing and frustrating because these are women who are accomplished, they're intelligent, They're. They're like the go getters. They run companies. They. They're so in command of so many things. They juggle a lot. Yeah. And they're able to be super successful in everything. And then, you know, they struggle in this one area and it's like, what, what gives? Like, what's the problem?

Right, right.

And so I think it's important to get one of the obvious things out of the way. And you kind of hinted at it. It's like, well, you know, you could just be less successful or you could be less intimidating and kind of like hide all these great qualities that you have. And we already, we actually already talked about this specifically on a previous podcast. We're going to stop. But just think, don't do that. Right? You don't want those guys. The right guy's not going to be intimidated and, you know, not want you because you're successful. It's all about finding the right kind of guy. But that said, there are some things that have contributed to success that at the same time simultaneously repel men and keep them at a distance. And so if you're having a hard time finding guys, this is some stuff that you're really going to want to hear.

Yeah, I think the harsh reality here, and this is a very difficult topic to discuss without appearing to sound sexist or anything like that, and I'm certainly not sexist. We do this because we are helping women in their love life. We are passionate about this. This is all we do. So with that said, I feel like I have to say this caveat going into this conversation. The challenge here is that when a man is successful financially and he runs a business or he does really well for himself, that by nature is an attraction trigger. Women are attracted to men who have access to resources. Right. Like, whether we want to admit that or not, it is just factually true. There's plenty of data and there's plenty of just empirical data as well as just research that supports that. And women want to be with a guy who's got his stuff together, whereas a female who is by nature who is very successful, that may not have the same attraction trigger to a man. Now, it, on the other hand, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing, but it doesn't also, it doesn't necessarily elevate that woman too far in a man's eyes. As far as on an, on an attraction level, like on a physical attraction level, does it mean that an attract. A successful man would want to be with a woman who's successful? Yeah, of course he wants to be with his equal. But just like on that deep, I don't know, lizard brain, biological level, it may not be something that just like instantly Draws him in as being like, oh, I need to have her. The same way it might for you as a female when you meet a guy who, let's say, runs a company of a thousand people. Gary, did I, did I toe that line? Okay, what do you think?

Yeah, I think so. And I think the other important point about all of this is everything that we're going to say here about some of the downfalls and how your success in your professional life can hold you back in your relationship life. We're talking about successful people. Our target audience for this podcast just happens to be women. We help women find relationships. Right? And so everything we're going to say, though, these, these things that are repelling your partner, they apply to anybody who's successful. Right? And so, you know, that I think is, is important to, to make sure we're clear about.

We're so scared of this topic. Listen to us. We're like politicians up there. Up here, we're like, okay, with that said, here's all the caveats I want to make sure. But look, for those who know stuff, we're here to help, and we're here to actually empower all the women out there who are successful and have that head trash that they think that just because they are successful, they are unattractive to men. And that is categorically false. It is absolutely false. And there's a lot of research, there's a lot of data, and there's a lot of just, like, personal experience to support that. And if a man is successful, he's well educated, he, he is emotionally intelligent, he takes care of his body, he's going to want to be with a woman who's on the same level. Necessary. Like, he just wants to be with his equal men. Now that would he sleep with a woman who may not be successful, may not be on the same level, probably because he's a guy that's the harsh reality once again, about to get canceled. Hard here by saying all this stuff. But will he marry that woman? No, he wants to marry the woman who's his equal. And that's the, the key part of all this.

So you're saying there's hope.

There's definitely hope. Oh, my God. And look, I, I, I'll tell you, when I was naming love strategies, I wanted to appeal to the successful women out there who want strategies in their love life. Like, there's a reason why I named it love Strategies, because those who are successful, they hear strategy and they think, oh, what got me where I, what got me to success? In other areas of my life was having a strategy. So maybe that'll work in my love life. And it's actually worked very well for us. So it's my kind of like, sneaky inside way of attracting the right type of clients. So let's jump into some of the key points here, because I know you got. You have a few. Gary.

Yeah. And so, you know, we're talking about people who are successful. So to be successful, to have that high level role, you have a lot of responsibility. And so anybody that's going to be in that role, they're going to build up hard shell. Like, you need that, like, aura of professionalism. You spend your day in professional business mode. No, you have to establish and maintain boundaries, particularly as a woman in that role with your male coworkers. It's got to be clear. This is work, this is professional, this is nothing else. And so you're really good. You become very adept throughout your workday and maintaining high hard boundaries. Here's the problem, though. Those same boundaries that are super effective and necessary in the work professional environment can actually deter guys in your emotional relationship side of your life. And so you need to figure out a way to transition.

Hey there, ladies. As you can see, we're just getting this podcast off the ground. And since we don't run any ads, I only have one quick favor to ask in return. Can you just take a quick second right now, pause this episode and just leave us a review? Wherever it is that you're listening to, the podcast really help us out a lot, and it really does spread the love, and I think the world needs a little bit more of that. So I appreciate you. Now let's get back to the show. Yeah, I. I've met a lot of women who are extremely successful. And when you first meet them and you're talking to them, it literally feels like there's an eggshell around them that you have to, like, kind of crack through. And then once you crack through it and you start to actually get to know who they really are, it's like soft and gooey and wonderful on the inside. It's everything that you've been looking for. But it's like, why are we. What am I missing here? Like, I've actually been talking to women at certain times. I'm like, what am I missing? And I always feel like it's like they just got out of work, it's happy hour, and they're just trying to like, transition mode, but they can't because all day long they've had this hard shell. And it is an unfortunate reality, I would say that women in particular in the workplace have to have this hard shell in order to. I mean, I don't want to say they have to, but they usually will have that hard shell in order to succeed in the 21st century. And that's a whole other discussion, a whole other podcast as to, you know, women in the workplace. But a lot of women show up that way at work. But when you bring that to your love life, it just creates this massive barrier between you and men, and they feel like they can't necessarily connect. So what kind of got you there in the workplace is not what's going to get you there in your love life.

Yeah. I mean, the walls and boundaries that make you successful also leave you emotionally unavailable when you're outside of work. And so, you know, you need a clear strategy for kind of making, making the changeover so that, you know, your work self isn't spilling over into your relationship self. And so when you're off the clock, you got to lead your boss, babe, boundaries at work and figure out some, like, way to transition. You know, talking to some of our clients, some of them will say things like, you know, as soon as I get in my car, I kind of emotionally and mentally take off my professional self and I get back to just being my normal self. And so if it's, what when you get in the car, get on the subway, get on the bus, whatever it happens to be when you take your ID badge off, right, you kind of hang it on your, hanging on your.

Mirror, have those, I don't know, I haven't worked in an office in like 20 years, so I don't know.

People have them, right? Or your lab coat, you take off your lab coat and hang, you know, you know, whatever it is. But like, you almost need some kind of symbolic gesture of some sort. It's like, you know, I, I know for myself, like there was a time in my life I had a three minute commute from work to home, and it just wasn't enough. I would come home and I would still be in work mode and I'd be like, dude, go, go, go, go, go. And it was rough. It was rough on the, on my home life with my marriage, right? And it's like, now my commute is about 20 minutes. It's enough buffer to kind of be like, get out of work mode. Leave work at work as much as possible, and then, you know, have a, have a home life as well. And so this is something, you know, you have to figure out whatever works for you. But there needs to be some kind of. Some kind of switch or some kind of transition.

Yeah. If you're. If you're leaning to the masculine all day long, if you're a manager, you run a team, or you're constantly just making constant decisions all day, and you are the person pushing things forward constantly, then there has to be. You know, the more that you lean into your masculine at work, the more of a. What I would call a feminine buffer that you need to have between that and your dating life. If you go from being a judge, all right, all day long, and it's a Thursday, and then you have a date Thursday evening, and you go straight from being a judge all day to that date, you are going to have the hardest shell in the world. That guy will never be able to break through. All right. It's not possible. So what are some things that we can do to step into our feminine? I mean, first off, I would not recommend, if you have a super masculine job, to even go on dates during the week, do it during the weekend where you can kind of really take that reset. But if you are going on a meetup, at least maybe go to the gym, go to yoga, do something that can allow you to just step into the more kind of like, feminine receptive flow of things. And, and by the way, I would. I would recommend that to men anyway. It's kind of the same thing. Even though men tend to work in the masculine, they want to bring their mascul energy to a date. There's something about having that buffer where you can step back into yourself, your true authentic self. Because realistically, at work, you're not your true authentic self. You're not bringing that. That warmth, that feminine energy. And it. It's likely we're bringing that to our dating life. And men can sense it and they feel disconnected by it.

Yeah. And, you know, I mean, that buffer also helps with some of those date conversations so that it's not all you venting about the problems you have at work and how annoying the person is that sits in the cubicle next to you. Right. It's like you. You need a buffer. Like, your partner will tolerate those conversations, but no partner really loves those conversations. Right. And so the buffer is going to help with that as well. You know, a lot of this in this shell, in these walls, it's. It's about vulnerability. And for all the obvious reasons, like you're not going to be emotionally vulnerable at work. Like, no one wants the. The manager who's crying in the closet about things like you just. No one wants that. Like, so you have to kind of have this, like, veneer of. Of stoicism and toughness and strength. But here's the thing. Like, research shows one of the most important characteristics you can have to make connections with another person is what is just simply called interpersonal warmth. Like, you want to have a warm, affectionate demeanor. And this is for anybody, right? Guys, women, it's like, we like warmth. We like. It's welcoming, it's inviting, it's gives us a lot of emotional connection. And so all those workplace behaviors run very much contrary to this idea of emotional warmth.

Yeah, typical workplace behaviors. Like these are. I would just say typical workplace behaviors is a caveat to what you're saying because, like, there maybe you do work in an environment that's super warm and you're a very warm manager, and that's. That's wonderful. But across the, the gamut of being. I'm in the business world, I see how people are in the workplace. Typically people are not that way, and typically managers are not that way. And typically there's the environment. It's certainly if you're like a sales space, if you're a real, like a realtor or like, you know, in the business world, it's just not that type of warm environment. And even if it is warm, there's still this idea where you're very likely, if you're successful, you have people who are reporting to you. So there's this power structure that exists within the workplace. Whereas when you go on a date, there. There is no power structure in that way. It's. It's very much so two equals coming together to connect. So it's just like a.

It's.

It's a massive shift that you want to be able to make from one thing to another. I even remember this myself. Like, when I was single, I was a dating coach for many years. Being single, like five years, I don't know. I'd have to remember exactly. And I remember I'd go on dates after, like, coaching people. And that was not good. That was not a good transition because I went from this very, like, directive type of mindset where I was kind of. I was kind of the boss with the co. You know, like, not obviously with coaching, I'm not the boss, but like, I am the one that tends to have the advice, who's giving the advice, who's advising. And when you go on a date, you don't want to be advising someone, so you Had I had to create a pretty harsh transition from, like, coaching days to, like, Adam's dating life days, even though they were, like, I was coaching on dating, but still I didn't want to go on dates on those days. Does that make sense? I don't know.

No, I think it makes total sense. Right. Because really, what you're talking about are roles. And so, like, I'm a social psychologist, and social psychology is all about how context, the situation you're in shapes your thoughts, behaviors, motivations, all. All that stuff, right?

Yeah.

And so, you know, I. I know personally there was a time period where for six years, I was department chair. So when I was the chair of my department, I was in very much a managerial role. And one of the things you had to do is, like, there was a lot of stuff going wrong that you didn't want. Everyone, like, everyone didn't need to know about it. They didn't need to, like, bother themselves. The faculty didn't have to bother themselves with these things. So you put on a brave face and you act like. You put on this, like, aura of strength almost. It's this idea of stoicism. As a faculty member, I don't have to worry about any of that stuff. It's a lot easier to make the transition and be warm and fuzzy and, like, I don't have the managerial mindset.

And you're just chilling, dude. You're just relaxing.

It's so much. But it's like, I can just. The transition coming home is very different because it's like, I take care and I help students. Right. I help people. Like, even, you know, coaching relationship stuff, it's actually made my. My relationship self even better than it was before.

Right.

I mean, yeah, sometimes transitions are different, kind of depending on your role. But, like, if you're in a role, particularly managerial, where you do have to kind of withhold your emotions and hold things back, this falls in line with this idea of stoicism. Stoicism is being emotionally in control, feeling in control at all times. And this is, like, all the rage. Like, you know, the obstacle is the way, like, this is a thing, and it has a lot of benefits in a lot of ways. But one of the things that research shows is it's not necessarily stoicism is not ideal for relationships, and it's not always ideal for, well, being. Um, in particular, there was a study that just came out that shows that people who are more stoic, particularly this idea of, like, withholding emotions and. And not letting everything kind of spill out all the time they actually are more aggressive in their arguments in their romantic relationships because they tend to kind of like hold things in. Hold things in, hold things in. And all of a sudden it's just tipping point and then explode.

Right. Or pretend it doesn't exist, you know?

Right. Like, oh, no, I'm not bothered by that. But it's like you're not bothered by it until you are. And then you just. All that self mastery and control goes out the window when you're a little bit tired, hungry, or stressed. And it's like unleash the floodgates and then you have a problem. And so, you know, this is another one of those things that just like, you don't want that stoic kind of behavior from work to spill over into your relationship.

Yeah, it's interesting. I didn't know we're gonna talk about stoicism because I. I struggle a little bit with that, but I like it. I think this is an interesting conversation and I agree in principle with what you're saying. I do think it's more of a spectrum. On one side there's stoicism, and then on the other side is total lack of emotional control.

Right.

And it's more so I. I think that the key to happiness in life is to be able to, I don't want to say control your emotions, but tame your emotions, especially when they're totally irrational. And be aware of your emotions. That's probably the biggest, is when you sense the emotions coming up, noticing that they are there rather than just acting on every single emotion. And sometimes, like, you might feel angry or frustrated. And whether it's professionally or romantically, sometimes you might feel anger or frustration and you feel it for a moment and then you kind of rationalize it. They say, you know what? That's actually irrational. Let's move on. Sometimes, though, you might have to take a look at that and be like, where's that coming from? And so honestly, I, I don't know if I'm digressing here, but I think it's. Personally, this might go against the research. I think it's more of a spectrum because I think stoicism is also really helpful in certain circumstances.

Yeah. And I think that's true of everything always. Right. It's like, you know, category categorical thinking is almost. Is always wrong.

Right.

It's. It's not either or. It's somewhere in between. And so, yeah, I mean, there's gonna be a time and a place for these things. And I think really what you're talking about is emotional regulation. You just want to be like, it's emotional intelligence almost where it's like you can identify, see things and then act appropriately on those emotions. And so that takes some regulation. And so I think regulation is. Is kind of that happy middle point, too. Stoic is like, nothing bothers me. There's no problem. Like, I. I'm like a blanket slab of nothingness because I'm just not going to react anything ever. And it's like, that's tough. And, you know, that's stereotypically how guys are socialized.

Yeah, it's.

You know, it's like you tell little boy. Like, you see little boys all the time. So don't cry. Don't cry.

Yeah, toughen up.

Girls aren't told that. Like, it's. You know, there's a. I put a whole story in my book about how when I was a kid, I got hit in the head with a ball. My dad was my coach, and, like, I wanted the ball. I was like 8 years old. I wanted to ball. And I looked at him and he pointed me, like, not here, not now.

No.

And I was like, okay, no, this is first base. And it's like, if. If I was a girl, would my dad have done that? Me knowing my dad, probably. But, like, you know, it's just. It's just not.

Yeah. So bringing that stoicism is really. Yeah, that. That's. That's a. We should have a top podcast just about masculinity. I think that would be an interesting one.

That's a good one.

Yeah.

So we don't have to, like, go. We won't go into it here so much, but it. You know, there's one other way that, like, that stoic nature kind of comes into the relationship, and it's this idea of, like, I'm gonna withhold because I've been burned before. And so that's seems adaptive in a lot of ways. Right. And maybe, like, you were with someone who was narcissistic because, you know, you want to be part of a power couple and like this. But then, like, three months later, it just. It all unraveled and it sucked. But it's like, you kind of have to have this. You know, it sucked. It happened. You have to move on. And so it seems like stoicism is. It would be a good thing in that case. And like, bringing some of those work behaviors, professional behaviors into your personal life would be good. But the problem is, like, you can't keep out the bad experiences without also keeping out the good Right, right. When you try to keep out the bad, you're going to keep out the good, too. And so, you know, some of those things, you're like, no, I'm protective. I've been burned before. I'm going to, you know, walls are fine. Like, what are you guys saying? It's like those walls keep out the good stuff, too. And it's.

It's just important to know that I, I totally agree. I think of, like, the someone who's. Who's pretty topical right now. It's Tom Brady, Patriots of the Patriots quarterback. Well, I'm always going to call him Patriots quarterback, even though he didn't really end with the Patriots. But that's cool. He's like the. I. I'm pretty sure he talks a lot about stoicism and being a stoic when it comes to professionally and football and all that. And greatest football player of all time. And Gary will absolutely agree with that. 100. Right, Gary?

And begrudgingly, yes.

But can you imagine being married to that guy? Can you imagine that? And by the way, him and Giselle ain't no M.O. right now. They are done. Because I'm sure, especially during the football season, it was like she couldn't squeeze an ounce of juice from this guy. Just like, no emotion. Because he's just, like, so focused. This is what I got. And there's just no connection there. And so I think that there's something to this idea of understanding your emotional. What.

What the.

What was the word you used earlier? Emotional.

Emotional Regulation.

Regulation. Understanding where you are in the spectrum there. And if you are going on dates, back to full circle. We have gone on a tangent on this one, but going full circle, when you are going on dates and you're bringing that kind of stoic type of energy to the date, it's going to be very, very hard to connect. So maybe deregulating a little bit on the emotional side and building that real connection. And that means opening up sometimes about the negative stuff as well as the good stuff. And that's a beautiful thing. That's how you can connect with people. Interesting conversation. I've never thought about this before and, and talked about this. This is good. It's good stuff.

Yeah. You know, I'm a huge fan of stoicism, and I'm generally a fan obviously, of, like, just bringing anything I encounter in life and applying it to relationships for an insight. And so I had recently been reading about stoicism, and I was like, I wonder if there's any research on that. And then sure enough, there, there was the best part about having this podcast is you need to go learn about the research and like, like some of this stuff literally came out within the last couple of months.

Right.

It's fun to be able to kind of share it and apply it in this way.

So, yeah, I left a comment on our, on our notes for before this one and the, the outro is all about stoicism. Like, what are you talking about, Gary? I'm, I'm, I believe in stoicism. This is. What are you talking about? But now we're talking about. I don't think we even talk about that comment going into this because you're probably like, yeah, I'm just going to talk about it and we'll go from there. But I think it's, it's really good stuff. And I, and I really do think full circle. This is one reason why women who are successful may not be building those connections. And it's not because of your success. It's because of what got you to that success you might be radiating into your, into your love life. So very important. Yeah.

Speaking of, of things that help you be successful so you're a successful guy. Would you consider yourself type A?

Yeah, I'm annoyingly type A.

Your words, your words, your words. I'm type A too. 100%. You know what type A people love? They love, they love a good list. Oh, they love a good to do list. And I know you, you love a good trello board.

Oh yeah, Gary, you had your tr, you got your trello board here at Love Strategies and you color corded it, you coordinated it, you got really dorky. For those who don't know what trello is, it's just like a project management type system that we use internally here.

So yes, I went my type anus, I went Full Beautiful Mind. I had colors. I, I didn't, I didn't have strings in my basin. I didn't go that, that bad. But electronic. It was all there. Right. And so all there. When you're successful and you have a lot of things going on, you start getting into lists. You get in these organizational kinds of things.

Things.

This is all super adaptive, super necessary for your professional life, but in your personal life, that can hold you back.

Yeah, it really can. And I, we have a, a little love step, little love step two, where so the little. For those who are just listening now, the little love steps are our step by step strategy to helping a woman who's single to attracting long lasting relationships. And there's Seven very specific steps that our clients take in order to get there. Little Love step two is where we create what we call a love vision. And a lot of times when our type A clients come in, they'll get to little love step two before even getting into our strategies and how we do it. They'll be like, oh, I already have that. I already have a love vision. Like, great, tell me about it. Like, okay, let me take out my notes. And it's just like a stack of papers just like it. Three, ring binder, ready to go. This is everything that I need. And he needs to look like this, and he needs to be like this, and he's going to. It just. They've. They've developed their perfect human. It's almost like if an AI could create this man, they would just be like, here you go. Create it. But we're not there yet. And little do they know that actually the love vision works in the opposite way, where we are focusing on the priorities of what really matters, and anything that falls outside of that vision is actually acceptable to us in the short term. So there's a lot to that. But I love that conversation where someone's like, oh, I already have a love vision. But, like, no, you don't. Guaranteed. If you have a to do list of a man. A man to do list. Nah, not. That is not a love vision.

Well, the thing is, like, these things work at work, but they don't work in. In the real. Like, it's too. It's cold, it's calculated, and it's. It gets done. Which a lot of times you need, except when it comes to your love life. Because getting stuff. Getting stuff. I going to go back to stuff instead of continuing to curse. But, like, people don't want to waste time. Like, how many times, Adam, have you heard women say, I just don't want to waste time?

It's just a constant. I don't want to waste time with all this stuff. Oh, he's such a waste of time. Is he wasting my time? I don't want to waste time with this guy if he's not really ready. I get it.

Yeah. And they'll go into their first date with a guy and say, hey, I don't waste your time or my time. This is what I'm looking for. This is what I need.

Yeah. Are you that person?

Right?

Wow.

You want to talk about. We said, like, what are some things that you do that repel men? Well, whoa. Busting out lists and saying, I don't waste your time. I Need this, this and this. Like, that's not good. Like, kills. Kills the whole energy of things. Because here's. Here's the crazy thing. Like, research shows men are actually more romantic than women. They go more on a feel, right? They go on this like a. More of an emotional connection. Women have thought much more about relationships. They're much more practical. That's why they have a list in the first place. Guys don't have a list. Guys go in, they look with their eyes.

They're like, okay, she makes. Well, they. It's not necessarily just their eyes. It's how they feel leaving that. That. That date or how they feel about you. I mean, that men aren't gonna remember what you say, but they'll remember how you made them feel. And when you sit down and I've had this happen to me where I sit down with a woman on a date, and seriously, within minutes, like, we've just met or like, maybe we met somewhere else, like, for 10 minutes, and I got her phone number, and now we're going on a date. Whatever. Ten minutes in, she's like, look, you seem like a great guy, but I just. I don't want to waste my time here. I just want you to know I'm looking for something serious, and I just want to see if you are as well. I'm like, we've just met, right? Like, we just. Yeah, okay. You're looking for something serious. I'm open to something serious, but I don't know about with you. And the way that that's framed now puts me on this defensive where I'm like, if I say yes, does that mean we're now, like, dating? It's just. It's just. It is so much putting the cart before the horse, it's ridiculous. And you leave that moment feeling, like, kind of icky. You're just like, ah. Like, for all the women listening, have you ever gone out with a date who's just like, on a date with a guy who's just like, he's too much, too soon, too needy, and you feel almost like, I don't. I don't want to be around that person too much for me. I don't know. I don't. I don't. I didn't feel it yet. That's how guys feel when you're just trying to save time by jumping to the good stuff.

Yeah. And maybe you're not. Maybe you're not that bold where you're like, just jump in and say, like, may, but it's maybe, like, hinting at things like talking about what you guys might do for your in. In the summer and it's, you know, only January or, you know, just like anything that's like a little too, like it's jumping ahead to step 10 when you're really just on step one or two and it's something to look out for. And, you know, all this fits into that checkbox mentality. It's like, no one wants a checkbox romance. No one wants a to do list love affair. Right. And so that's just not how relationships get started and how relationships work.

Yeah.

The other thing that's very much related to this, particularly if you have like a list of criteria and a lot of like, does he or doesn't he and how is he? Which is very efficient, again, professionally. But it's like a lot of times people will turn dating into an interview, which it's not, it's not meant for that. Right. It's like you don't want someone like rifling off a bunch of questions to you, like, where were you born? Who was they? What were your past relationships? Like? It's like, don't bombard people with a list of questions. It doesn't build closeness and connection, which is, which is what you want. Right. So instead of being like, instead of having that interviewing kind of like, question, question, question mindset, like, what. What kind of approach do you think people should take?

It just comes from a place of genuine curiosity to get them. Get to know the human being across from you. Like being genuinely curious about who that person is, what makes them tick, what makes them. Them. What makes them unique, what makes them flawed, what makes them beautiful, what they really believe about things. When your intention is just to genuinely get to know that human being, you won't interview him when your intention is to get a boyfriend because you have a goal that by September 15th you're going to have a boyfriend. Then what are we going to do? We're going to interview and we're going to jump the gun because we don't want to waste time. Want to waste time. Got things to happen, you know, I don't have time for these types of dates. I, you know, I go on two dates a week. Oh, that's taking away from my work. Too much, too much. I can't, I can't do it. We hear that all the time. And it just, it breaks the connection that those interviews, it doesn't, it doesn't work.

And you may think like, oh, well, guys don't. They don't really notice he answers all my questions. He doesn't care. He may not actually even realize what doesn't feel right about that interaction. He may not be thinking, oh this she's inter. He may not have any idea, but he can tell like any. We're perceptive. Like humans are really perceptive about this kind of thing and we connect with people all the time. And so when you're in that kind of agenda based interaction, it just feels different. And so instead of asking question after question, going through your list of you know, must find out information, what I would suggest to women is approach this like he has a great story to tell and you want to learn about all the details. You know, it's like someone's telling you about a great book that like the summer beach read that they're reading and they're telling you the plot and it's like you just like what happens next. Like that kind of approach to a conversation is always going to be more genuine, more authentic and actually get you better information.

Yep. As a side note, I should say we are hiring like crazy here at Love Strategies Quick Plug. If anyone wants to work here, we are hiring. So always go to lovestrategies.com and click the hiring area at the bottom. But with that said, we're doing a lot of interviews. I still think that even with interviewing professionally, that's a good way to interview. Like there are some interviewers who just have their 10 questions that they must ask and you got to ask this way. I love to just genuinely get to know the person and understand their story. Like because that's the best thing. If they're on guard and they have, they're feeling like they're getting bombarded with questions, they're going to answer it in a way that is not going to actually give you much information. Whereas if someone just you connect with them, you like them, it's kind of like having a beer with a friend. But you know, you have, you have some guidelines on how you're gen, you know, moving the conversation forward. I'm telling you like I don't want to chew my own horn, but I think people come out of our interviews being like, hey, that was actually pretty fun. And if so I think you can do it even, like, even professionally you can do it that way. But definitely with dating that's how it's got to be. It's like you just go in when just having fun, enjoying yourself while also you, you are still information gathering. It's just not like a drilling and it's not, you're asking a question in order to get him to be your boyfriend or in order to X, Y and Z, it's so much more just about actually trying to get to know the guy.

Yeah, we talk all the time about, you know, dating a big part of dating, what you're trying to do is mitigate risk. Like you're trying to lower the risk level. And so when you have that list of questions of all this information, you want to find out most of it's pretty typical things. And it's, it's like a typical interview question, like, what's, what's your weakness? Like, a lot of the questions you're thinking to ask are things that guys know that get asked. And so they'll have prepared answers for those kinds of things anyway. But if you kind of get into that, like, they have a great story to tell and it's like something that's out of the norm, something that's not typical, it's going to be a more interesting conversation. They're going to be less prepared for it. So it's going to be a lot more authentic and a lot more revealing as to who they really are, which is all what you want in a dating situation.

Definitely. Here's, here's an example of a question that I would recommend asking. And let me give you, let me give you two different scenarios. And we talk a lot about this when people get to little love. Step number four for when you're going on dates. So let's say you do want to determine if a guy has long term potential. Option A, which a lot of women might ask is like what I said earlier. So are you looking for a relationship right now or not? And boring question, terrible. It's going to put him on the defensive. He's not going to feel great coming out of that. And honestly, whatever he says, you can't really trust that much anyways. Right. Because some guys might even lie just to get in your pants. Okay, sorry, being honest here. All right. I'm out here to protect you. So that's not the way to go. Option two could be ask him a question like, so let me ask you a fun question. Like, if you could live any life you'd ever want to live in five years from now, what does that life look like? Walk me through that life. And it's kind of like a fun question. And it's hypothetical, but you can actually get a lot of good information from a question like that. And there's a lot of different derivatives of that question you could do. Like, if you could live anywhere you want to live. The next five years would be so on and so forth. But let's just go with, like, if you live any life that you want to live in the next five years, what would it look like if he says that he wants to be traveling through Thailand, backpacking with his buddies. You got your answer. All right. That's what he wants. He does not want a committed relationship. But if he says, you know, honestly, in five years, I really would love to have a family. I would love to move out of the city and have a beautiful house and X, Y, and Z, build a life with someone, now we're getting somewhere. And the nice thing about this is it's not. When he's saying these things, it's not necessarily about you. He might even say, I want to be married. I want to be in a relationship. But it's less so about, like, I want to be married to you on a relationship with you. It's just like, we're talking about hypotheticals here. And so it just, like, lowers the temperature of the conversation, puts way less pressure on it, and actually gives you pretty good information. So I don't know. I love those types of questions, and I think they can be done in a really playful, fun way that is enjoyable for both parties.

Yeah. And that's why you asked that question about five years. And it's not, you know, what do you expect to be doing next year? Like, next year is, like, makes it about you in the moment where five years, like you said, is. It's more of a hypothetical, like, life philosophy type of thing, which. Which is really, really smart. And again, five years from now, like, that goes against this, like, agenda checking, you know, checkbox way of approaching a dating conversation, which is good.

Gary, where do you want to be in five years?

I want to be with you.

Damn right, baby. The feeling is mutual. Let's get married. Let's do it. I'm. I'm all in, baby. I'm all in.

We're in a pleasant spot because our professional and personal life intermingle quite a bit.

Yes.

But I think, you know, hopefully this was really useful. And I want to kind of go back to wrap this up with a scene that we happened to talk about in the beginning, which is, you know, social psychology is all about the situation and how that dictates, you know, attributes of yourself that are prominent at the moment. Right. So roles, influence traits, and so we just have to be cognizant of the person we are at work may not be the best person to go on a date. And so we have both types of traits within us. And so we're always going to kind of display and use the traits that best fit the particular situation. The person we are with our friends is different than the person we are with our co workers. And the different than who we are with our family. Like, that's just part of being human. And so we have to be cognizant of this same thing when we're shifting over transitioning from our professional life into our personal.

Yeah. And that's okay. And that's a good thing. Like, I mean, we all wear different hats in different circumstances all of the time.

Yep.

Just relating this back to myself, My favorite topic of all time, which is me, is when I was dating, I was a pretty intimidating guy to a lot of women for good reason. Because I was like this dating coach who did television and was like, speaking at colleges and doing all this stuff. I'm not saying I deserve to be intimidating. I just was because of, like, my credentials and what I was doing. Imagine going on a date with, like, a dating expert. That's nerve wracking. So I was very intentional about going on those dates and really lowering the temperature. Not be. Not because I was worried about necessarily, like, her success level versus mine or anything like that. It's just like, I wanted to wear a different hat because I don't want to wear that hat. That's not like, that's right. One part of me. I have a whole other part of me, all right? I'm a total goofball behind closed doors. Like, I'm not the guy. The guy you're meeting right now is not necessarily the guy you'll meet at Saturday. This upcoming Saturday when I'm tubing. Tubing down a river in Maine. All right, That's a very different guy. All right? He's gonna have a couple drinks in him. He's gonna be a different guy than you got right now. And, and that's okay. Like, so. So just accept that rather than fighting it being like, I have to be the same energy that I am at work. And if we can learn how to just kind of massage it and change it, that is the key, I think, to all of this. And, and, and if we can just. With a wrap up, I hope, I hope if there's anything you got from this, we can start kind of deprogramming you from having this idea that men are intimidated by your success, because they're not. And there's plenty of research that shows that men want to Be with their equal. Don't dumb yourself down. Don't be someone you're not. Don't do anything like that because ultimately the right man, if you can shift your energy in the way we're discussing, the right man, will be massively, massively into you and want to spend the rest of his life with his equal.

Right? You, you know the saying, like, who do A players want to play with?

A players, baby.

Hey, players, right? So if you're an A player, right, you're listening to this podcast, you're an A player. Don't think like, oh, he's going to be intimidated by the fact that I'm gonna. No, no, no. You're an A he. You want an A player, too. So does he. He's an A player who wants, like. It's reciprocal. We. If you're good at what you do, you're successful, profess you want to be with other people that are like that. So don't go into it thinking otherwise, because you're going to set yourself up for failure.

Love it. All right, thank you, Gary. That was fantastic. That was fun. And I hope everyone, I hope we towed that line quite well. I think we did. I think we did. We'll see you in the car. All right, so now you've reached the end of the show. Please make sure you follow and subscribe to the Love Strategies podcast, wherever it is, is that you're listening, so that you never feel alone again on your journey to love. As always, if you want to unlock all of our love Strategies and begin your love life transformation, head over to lovestrategies.com to get started. Stay beautiful and speak to you next week.