Are You Emotionally Unavailable? 2 Subconscious Signs You're Pushing Men Away

I believe that we only have a finite amount of emotional energy to give people. And if we're going out there and we're dating and we have like our ex boyfriend who we're still texting with on the side, then we have three guys that we're talking to that we've gone on a couple dates with. But I don't really like these guys. And then you're dealing with other people, men in your life or other people in your life. You just, it. It fills up your emotional cup. And so what I found is a lot of people who are emotionally unavailable, they just tend to have this completely full. They don't have the energy really to get out there and actually open their heart to the right person. Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experience experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of love strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy.

Gary.

Today we're going to be talking about emotionally unavailable women. And let me tell you, when I used to coach men and I transitioned to coaching women, I was so excited because I'm like, finally I'm going to be working with all women who are totally emotionally available. They are ready for a relationship, and this is going to make my job so much easier. And then you know what I found, Gary?

What's that?

A huge percentage of our clients when we started working with them were actually subconsciously emotionally unavailable. And they were sabotaging a lot of their connections because they just weren't ready. So I think that's going to be the topic of today. I think it's going to be a really fun one. So I'd be curious on your thoughts, the difference between, like, men and women being emotionally unavailable.

Yeah, I think, you know, if you look at men versus women, the average guy is going to be less emotionally available than the average woman. Now, women, particularly in heterosexual relationships, are always comparing themselves naturally to their male counterpart. And so women are going to always feel like they're much more emotionally available than the person that they're with. And that can make people kind of misperceive how emotionally available they actually are. Just because you're better than your male partner doesn't mean you're actually as emotionally available as you need to be.

Right? Yeah.

And so it's like you're just, you just found a really bad comparison group.

And so you're just comparing it to a bunch of dudes. You're not emotionally available. It doesn't mean that you're like suddenly the most emotionally available person out there.

Yeah, yeah. And so like, you know, you said you're running into women in, in the program and clients that aren't emotionally available. Now, did they know it?

Probably not. Most of the time, no. Sometimes they do, but most of the time, not sometimes.

Like I, I've just found from, you know, coaching the last year or so is like, I don't know, I, I think like at least half if not 75 of the ones that are emotionally have no idea that this is something that's a problem for them. Like, it's, they're, they're desperately looking for a relationship and they're putting themselves out there and they think they're fully putting themselves out there and you don't realize, like they have all these things that are kind of like anchors that are holding them back that are, they're dragging them away from the thing that they really want. And, you know, that's some of the subconscious signs that we're going to talk about today.

Yeah, I mean, I've definitely had conversations with clients where I'm like, why are you sabotaging this? What's going on here? What's trying to really understand this situation? There's dozens of examples of situations like this from just like, I don't get it. And then I think, oh, she's emotionally unavailable. So hopefully this can be enlightening for those of you who are struggling to maintain those long term relationships and you're finding you're stuck in that three week to three month time frame where you kind of always run away from relationships quickly. So Gary, please tee us up. I'd love to dive in.

Yeah. So, you know, we said there's like two subconscious sides and they're subconscious because you're doing them and you just don't realize that you're doing it. Like, you just have no idea. And so I think the first one is just you're wasting energy and in essentially you're spreading yourself too thin. Now, I know something you talk about a lot is this idea of emotional bandwidth. You want to share what that's all about?

Sure. I mean, I believe that we only have a finite amount of emotional energy to give people and if we're going out there and we're dating and we have like our ex boyfriend who we're still texting with on the side, then we have three guys that we're talking to that we've gone on a couple of dates with. But I don't really like these guys. And then you're dealing with other people, men in your life or other people in your life, you just, it fills up your emotional cup. And so what I found is a lot of people who are emotionally unavailable, they just tend to have this just completely full. They don't have the energy really to get out there and actually open their heart to the right person.

Yeah. And they don't realize it because when you're, you're spending that emotional energy and you're actually like in each of those situations you just mentioned, you are forming connections, right. You're connecting with other people. And that's ultimately what, what people are looking for. They want connections with other people. But at least when they, when they come to love strategies, what they really want is a deep emotional connection, romantic connection with someone that's going to be a fulfilling long term partner. And so all of that energy you're putting towards those other types of things that you mentioned, it just leaves you less able to fulfill and put energy towards the thing you really want. And I think one of the big ones that I don't think you mentioned was this, this. And I've seen it a lot and I actually just saw it on a call on Wednesday night collecting friends. It's, we went out. I don't find him attractive, but I like talking to him. So we're just going to be friends now.

Emotional clutter, I call it. Yes, clutter, total clutter. It's friends or yeah, it'll be friends or they're talking to like 10 to 15 guys online just to fulfill their loneliness. And I get that when I remember being single. And it's just so you're there on a Tuesday night, you got nothing going on. So you know, let's create a friend here and there and before you know it, you have all this clutter. It's just this emotional clutter. And the problem with this is it's giving you just enough that you might need to not feel lonely. And in many ways it's holding you back from getting your beautiful behind off of the couch and actually finding the right person. So we're pretty harsh on like if you have emotional clutter and you don't have emotional bandwidth. Cut, cut, cut, cut. So that you Feel that, like, yearning to get out there and actually not feel lonely anymore. Like, I'm a. I'm a big proponent of that.

Yeah, you got to feel the. You got to fill the void a little bit. Right. And. And the thing that I always find kind of ironic about these, you know, I'm just gonna. He's just gonna be a friend. I don't know. I'm a guy. Guys aren't good friends towards women.

No.

Right.

Like, single guy friend. Single guys, and you're single. Talk about just a losing algorithm here. It's just not gonna work between the two of you because someone's gonna catch feelings whether it's you or it's him. If you're both single, you're probably going to end up hooking up. No. And. And the problem is people will say, let's just be friends when there's compatibility issues. Let's say, you know, he's of a different religion or he has kids and you don't want to be. You don't want to get involved with someone with kids. You're like, oh, well, we'll just stay friends. Now, that speak for just, like, I'm not going to be disciplined about my love life, and I'm just going to maintain these relationships that aren't going to serve me long term.

Yeah. And then the big. This is a whole separate podcast episode sometime in the future. But, like, you know, when a woman friend zones a guy, she's more likely to, like, actually sincerely mean it. Like, yeah, we're actually, like, we're friends forever now. Like, not crossing back over. And for the guy, it's like, it's more of a suggestion. Like, you know, we're friends for now, but, like, you know, a few white claws later, and it'd be pretty clawsome if we just kind of hooked up.

I'm more of a tequila shot guy that. That tends to get things going. But let me tell you a nickname I had in college, Gary. It was friend zoned Adam. I was the friend zone guy. And let me tell you, every female that I was friend zoned by, oh, my God. I was hanging out with them, I was doing stuff with them, but I wasn't trying to be friends with them, all right? They were. They wanted to be friends with me. No, no, no, no, no. Over here, I was looking for any opportunity I could. And this sounds horrible, but it's just true. This is how guys are. So when you're friend zoning these guys, they're. They are going to fill up your emotional bucket and in many ways, it is you conveying that you're not really emotionally available for a real relationship. Because if you are actually ready and emotionally available and ready for something, you have to leave enough of your emotional bucket available for that person when they do come around. Yeah, I think it's really important. Hey there, ladies. As you can see, we're just getting this podcast off the ground. And so since we don't run any ads, I only have one quick favor to ask in return. Can you just take a quick second right now, pause this episode and just leave us a review Wherever it is that you're listening to, the podcast really help us out a lot, and it really does spread the love, and I think the world needs a little bit more of that. So I appreciate you. Now let's get back to the show.

And, you know, it's one of the main tenants, several of the main tenants of strategy we talk about a lot, which is you have to stay focused, you gotta stay disciplined, and you gotta stay patient. And so, you know, it's something a friend of mine, we say all the time because we've been like, we plan things and it's like this idea, hashtag, stick to the plan. Like you are. You have to hashtag, stick to the plan. Because your plan is to find a fulfilling, long term, committed relationship. This guy who's, you know, isn't great, but you're, like, gonna put him in the, like, fixer upper plan that you're gonna, like, turn him into. No, that's not, that's not what you're supposed to be doing. These collection of friends and the emotional clutter, as you say, like, that's not sticking to the plan. And so focus, discipline, patience. Hashtag, stick to the plan.

Hashtag, I can't believe we're throwing out hashtags. Do people even use hashtags anymore? Or are we just a bunch of, like, old guys talking about hashtags?

Hey, if we do it, it's. It's a thing.

It's a thing. Hashtag stick, stick to the plan. And just one final note on this before we get to number two. I think people don't stick to the plan because the plan is scary. And let's just acknowledge that. Like, the thought of actually moving forward with this and leaving our emotional bucket open to the right person, that's very scary because with that comes the potential that doesn't work out. And so we fill ourselves and we fill that bucket with all these guys and friends and text buddies and online dating guys that you're Just chatting with. We fill it with these things because it protects us from the potential harm that comes with actually opening our heart to a real person. But I really urge you to take that vulnerable step and be open, truly open to the right man when he comes around. And if you're able to do that, then, hey, the right guy will come around. But if that bucket is full, that right guy will come into your life and he'll be like, no, I'm good. You're clearly not right. You're not ready for this.

Yeah. And I don't know why I never thought of this before, but, I mean, I think everything you just said is completely dead on. But I think all of this is really just a form of procrastination because, like, getting out there, that's. That plan is scary and intimidating. So, like, what do we do when something's scary and intimidating? Like, we put it off and we find, like, distractions that kind of keep us busy enough so we don't feel guilty. Guilty. But it's actually not progressing us towards the goal that we really want to achieve. And so, you know, it's a weird way of, like, emotionally procrastinating as well.

I think it is. It is. You know how like Marie Kondo. Have you ever heard of Marie Kondo? She does like the decluttering, simplifying your living experience. Although a very side tangent, apparently now she's like, anti. Doing like the. So quick step back. Marie Kondo, she has the whole, what is it like simplifying your life and. And living a minimalist lifestyle at your home? Another side tangent. Apparently she just had kids and is like, no, actually that doesn't work when you have children, which is really funny.

Yes, that's true.

It does not work.

But.

But anyways, back to the point. Marie Kondo, she's a big believer in simplification, minimalism in your life. And by not having a lot of clutter, you can actually breathe and think and have, like, the right type of headspace. And I think the same is very much so true in your love life and your relationships. And I'd be thinking about this not only romantically, but professionally and socially, the people in your life, even familiar, familially, if you have people in your life who are just dragging you down, just, you got to protect that bucket. You got to protect that space. Because if you don't, you just can't leave space for the right person when they come along. So I think I've beaten this dead horse at this point. So why don't we go to number two. What do we think, Gary?

Yeah. So the second way that people are kind of subconsciously making themselves unavailable emotionally is they're just stuck. And you can be stuck in two ways, I think in one way is being stuck on a former partner. It's kind of, you know, it's over. They said it's over. You said it's over. But, like, you had some good times, but you're still just kind of like in the. In the back of your mind. It's almost like a back burner type of relationship where you think there's still possibly a chance and, you know, you just kind of like breadcrumb, a little contact here and there, and you're staying, like, loosely connected. Did. And you're like, oh, there's no harm in that. There's no harm because I'm still dating. You are, but you're not fully dating. Right. And I think, you know, the other one that's. That's like a real obvious one is you can be stuck in a relationship that's only sort of like, okay, right. It's. It's almost a placeholder. And you're like, you know, it's a placeholder. I'm in this relationship. I know it's not. He's not the one, but he's. He's okay for now. Everything's. He's a decent partner. Things are pretty good. But the problem is, like, you're settling for crumbs.

Yeah.

Right. You're not making yourself emotionally available for the great partner that you actually really deserve. And so you're. You're wasting time, like, and you can waste weeks doing this, months. But, like, so many people, like, we've seen it, like, waste years on these kinds of relationships. Um, and that's. That's a real problem. You're. You're just not making yourself available to find the right kind of partner.

I think the most dangerous relationships we can ever be in are mediocre relationships, because if they're obviously bad and you're with someone who is toxic, totally emotionally unavailable, emotionally abusive, heck, physically abusive. Those tend to be the type of relationships where it's just glaringly obvious. It may take time to get to that point. I understand that. But it's still. It's like, you know, in the deepest part of your heart, there's something wrong here. But the dangerous ones really are the really mediocre ones where it's like, he's okay. He's clearly not on my level, but, you know, I'm just gonna Let this go because he's good in bed and he's great to hang out with and I love watching Netflix during the week with him. And it's fine, at some point someone else will come around and it'll be great. But it's dangerous because sometimes that doesn't happen. And then you get deeper and deeper and deeper stuck in this situation. Before you know it, you're married. And if you're younger, you might have children with this person, or if you're older, you might grow old with this person. And then that is where you are. Just, you can't get out of it. So I would be very, very intentional and very concerned if you find yourself in a truly mediocre relationship with someone who you know is not the future. It requires taking a short term hit emotionally to you and taking a step back and, and taking three steps forward in order to take 10 steps, three steps backward in order to take 10 steps forward. But I highly, highly recommend, if you are in that situation, to really think it through, that you could, you could be in some real hot water in a few years down the line.

Yeah. And it's, it's not something, you know, everyone just kind of thinks in those situations. Like, no, no, I'm okay. I can kind of juggle both. I can do both things and this one thing isn't going to hold me back, but it's just not practical for exactly what you said. It's a slippery slope. Right. It's going to, you're going to further and further down that path and it's just going to be harder to extricate yourself from that situation. Like you're really going to end up stuck. And so, you know, every time we talk about problems on this podcast or in anything that we do, it's, I always feel like we have to, I feel like this mandate, like we have to share some good, solid solutions. And so with these, both of these situations, I think the key strategy is a mindset shift. And it's sometimes a mindset shift is just thinking differently and sometimes it's just about awareness. And so I think with these particular cases, this emotional bandwidth, it's this awareness that there's something known as relationship opportunity cost. And so opportunity costs. A lot of times you hear this in terms of economics. It's like the money that you devote towards one thing you don't have to put towards something else. Right. So if you invest a bunch of money in Tesla, you don't have that money to invest in Microsoft or Meta or Nvidia. Or any of those, right? And so you just can't be. It's the same thing. Like, you can't be in two places at once, right? So because I'm doing this podcast now with you, Adam, I can't be, you know, going for a run on the beach, right?

And so that's going to your daughter's softball game. Although you would never give up your daughter's softball game podcast.

I'm ready to go, though. I got. I'm ready. I'm ready to roll after this. But, like, so, like, we know about opportunity costs in life, and, like, a lot of people are kind of, like, honed in on that. But the same thing's true in relationships, right? So that the emotional energy you're devoting to one thing is an opportunity cost that you could devote it to something else. The relationship, the mediocre relationship here and now creates opportunity cost for the great relationship you could be. So the thing you want to ask yourself is, when I'm saying yes to certain relationships or certain interactions, what are you saying no to? And it's. It's hard to, like, focus in on that. It's hard to pay attention to that because the absence of things, we just don't focus on that.

Right?

We see active problems, we see when things are on fire, but, like, we don't necessarily acknowledge the problems we don't have or the opportunities are missing. So it's a real mindset shift to start paint, like, okay, by hanging out with this guy who's at 5 out of 10, that seems okay. It's okay. Like, there's nothing wrong with that. But, like, wait, what am I missing out? What guy am I not talking to? I'm not talking to the guy who's a nine, because I'm talking about the five. Right.

I think on this note, something I've noticed, like, recently, I. I've been in a few masterminds myself with other kind of, like, business owners because, you know, Love Strategies is growing, and I'm trying to sharpen my tools on the business front because I'm just a. I'm a dating coach trying to figure all this stuff out. And one thing I've noticed with hyper successful people is that it's much less about what people say yes to and what they're actually doing, and it's much more about what they're saying no to. And hyper successful people are laser focused on their goal and what they're trying to do, and they say no to everything that doesn't align with that goal. Like, if it is not aligned with where they know they want to be, even if something is shiny object, it's really exciting. Oh, there's this new idea. Oh, you can do ChatGPT and it'll revolutionize everything. All these million things, they're like, no, that's all clutter, clutter, clutter, clutter. And they free up their mind just for that one thing. And I think the same is true with relationships. And I think that that's where having a community, having guidance in this out, external guidance in this area of your life is really helpful to help you just stay focused on what it is that you know you really want, which is that long lasting, committed, exclusive relationship. Suddenly when you just stay focused on that goal and really articulate it and verbalize it, when that situationship guy comes around and he just wants to keep it casual or that really boring guy that you know is not on your level, you just be like, no, because it's not aligned with my goal. So hopefully y' all get a little bit from this and can really get laser focused on that and start opening yourself up emotionally in ways that you've never experienced before. Yeah, yeah.

You know, what's another way to say stay focused? Hashtag, stick to the plan.

Stick to the plan. Love it, Gary.

So thanks. One more. So we, we talked about a strategy of a mindset shift. One more like active strategy that you can use. You, you want to get rid of these dead end dudes, right? And so one way to do it is. So people have talked about this idea in business a lot. It's the idea of burn the boats. Are you familiar with this?

Oh yeah, of course.

Right. Burn the boats is it comes from Cortez, who landed in Mexico in 1519. And it's like they had a long journey, him and, him and his, his guys. And they were going to have to be in this big battle and they were outnumbered and they were basically in a really bad spot. And so he says to his troops, basically, okay, guys, burn the boats. And they're like, what? That's how we can escape. Like, that's how we can get out of this. And he's like, no, burn the boats. And the idea behind burning the boats is you basically don't give yourself that fallback option. You don't give yourself the option of being with that dead end guy. You don't have that option of going back to that relationship. That wasn't great. You're not collecting friends, you're not collecting emotional clutter. You're just basically cutting yourself off from all of those bad possibilities so you can be laser focused. Hashtag, stick to the plan on the guys you really should be pursuing.

Yeah. And the, the best part about this plan when it comes to your love life is we're not going on to an island and murdering people. We are going to find long lasting love, which is a wonderful thing. But burn the boat. If you have that guy in your life or that friend or that family member or someone in your life that is just causing you constant emotional turmoil, they are making you emotionally unavailable whether you know it or not. Burn the boat. Can I do my own Hashtag, burn the boat.

Hashtag burn the boat.

Burn the love boat. No, I don't know if that works. All right, we'll think about it for next time. Gary, that was great, man. Thank you so much for your time. This is super fun.

All right, thanks, Adam.

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