Attracting the Wrong Men? How To Fix a Broken Picker

This podcast is for those out there who find that they go from relationship to relationship and they all end up the same. At first, the guy seems amazing. He's leaning in, he's taking you on dates. The connection seems amazing. Everything's perfect until it's not and you wonder what went wrong. And we get asked this question all the time. How do I keep picking the wrong men? My picker is broken. Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast, where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam lodolce, a professional dating coach and founder of love strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. So today we're going to be talking about how to fix a broken picker. Should be a good one.

Yeah. And you know, like I was saying right before we started recording is sometimes I think when people talk about the broken picker, it sounds like a piece of farm equipment. Like they're out in the fields with their picker grabbing the men from the men tree or whatever. But I think it's like it's this. I think when women say this, it's them trying to describe the experience of they have a lot of options, right? There's a lot of guys out there, they can attract guys, but then whoever they end up picking to be the one that they devote time and energy and investments into, they're just, it doesn't work out. And so they think that they're constantly picking the wrong thing. And so we want people to be able to go with their gut. But sometimes after picking the wrong guy over and over and over again, it can start to feel like your gut's broken and it's letting you down. And so we're going to address some of that today.

Yeah, and it's so frustrating because we all know, you know, the super bowl is won at the draft, right? If you have a bad pick, if you're picking the wrong people, you're going to end up being in bad relationships. It really is, quite frankly, that simple. Like, it's so hard to take a C level guy and turn into an A level relationship. It just doesn't really happen. You got to start with an A level guy or maybe a B plus level guy to have An A level relationship. It really is that simple. So. And it's like anything. It's like here, love strategies. We're growing, we're hiring a lot. Like, I find that it's really hard to have a successful company when you pick the wrong employees. And it's one of those things. It's taken me now 10 years to realize how much time I need to spend just interviewing, which I hate. Similar to dating. It's like, I got to follow my own advice here. Like, I got to interview a lot of people, have my love vision, have everything, my. My employee vision, and just be extremely picky about who you bring on, bring in, and still your picker will sometimes be wrong, but you can fine tune it as time goes on. And I think it's a very applicable situation to dating. I think it's very similar.

Yeah. And I think, you know, when it comes to honing your picker and being better at this, it's a process of learning to trust yourself. Because when you start feeling like you're. You have this bad picker and you just are constantly picking the wrong guys, you start feeling like you can't trust yourself anymore. And that's a horrible feeling. It feels like everything about a potential guy that you think is good ends up not being good. And all the things that you think are not great at first, maybe those are really the good things. And it just leads to all kinds of confusion and ultimately indecision. And so today, what I love about today is like, this is such a common, common thing. I don't know how we haven't done this podcast earlier, but this is an important one and really looking forward to diving into it.

Well, I think we haven't done this yet because I think we both philosophically have a little bit of an aversion to the idea of a broken picker. Like that term in some way, shape or form. And so what's. I want to talk about, like, what's good about this whole idea of having a bad picker and then we can actually find a solution to this situation. I think what's good about people when they say, I have a bad picker is at least they're taking responsibility and it's not just putting it on men. I would much rather start working with a client who's like, I have a broken picker than a client who's coming in and saying, all men are the absolute worse. They're all narcissistic pigs. And I'm like, so am I a narcissistic pig? You know, like, it's, it's harder, it's harder to work with. We'll take, we'll work with both and we can help them get to a great long lasting relationship. But again, back to the broken picker piece. You're taking response, you're taking responsibility for the decision of who you're moving forward. You're rather than having a victim mindset, you're having an ownership mindset.

And if you want to talk about one of the most important ingredients to change and growth, it's that you have to take responsibility even if it's not your fault, even if you aren't to blame. You, like sometimes in life, part of being an adult is just saying, okay, I'm going to take some responsibility for this and own my piece. And that is the one, the one part about this bad picker mindset I think is great. And to your point, I do think we haven't talked about this because I think fundamentally we're like, it's really not like a picker. It's not this thing that is. There's some fundamental things you're doing that are leading to these, I don't know, these guys that aren't so great. Right.

And so I also think, just like, I didn't mean to cut you off, but like, it's not broken. It's just a bad picker. Like, it's not broke. I don't like the word broken because once you, once something's broken, it's really hard to fix. It just might need fine tuning, you know, so maybe it's just that word that's always throwing me off about this. But for those of you who think that you have a broken picker, it's not broken. It just might not be tuned correctly to choose the right men.

Yeah. And I think the number one reason why this thing isn't tuned is because you think you're picking, but you're actually really not picking at all.

Yeah.

Like when people say like, I got a bad picker, it's like, well, what are you doing to pick? They're like, I don't know, like, I, I just kind of go with whoever asks me out.

Right.

And so really what they're doing is they're not following any strategy whatsoever, which might be the worst strategy ever. Right. It's like, you can't just date the guys that fall in your lap. You can't just be lazy about it and just leave it all to fate. And it sounds, I get it, it sounds romantic. It sounds like what you want to see in a Hallmark movie. But it's a recipe for disaster because those guys that are coming up to you that are going to do make some of those bold moves that you're gonna be likely to fall for that seem particularly romantic, they're not necessarily the world's best guys.

Right.

And frankly, we talk about this a lot, so I don't believe in this. But like, we don't do this with any other big decision in life. You know, your choice of college, your choice of career, where you're gonna live, where you're gonna vacation, what car you're gonna buy. We don't just, like, wait for decisions to fall in our lap and just be like, oh, that's a nice car. I guess. I guess I'll get that one. I guess. Don't do that with anything else. But with relationships for a weird reason, we're like, I guess we were meant to be.

Right? That is so crazy. Like, I made up statistic alert. But I would venture to say that 95% of people spend more time shopping for cars than they do thinking about potential romantic partners and who to move forward with, like, when they're really in it and dating, like, multiple people. Like, it's crazy. That's wild. You know, they're just like, oh, Brad seems nice. That's it.

And go figure, like, when you take a haphazard approach, you get bad results.

Yeah.

Like, wow. Like, how incredibly predictable is that? And so that's what I mean by, like, people aren't necessarily doing much picking. They're not being that strategic. And so it for us, on the coaching side of this whole thing, it becomes one of the easiest things to fix because it's like these people that think they're being bad at picking, they're actually just not picking at all. And then we can help them learn how to pick better. And all of a sudden, they turn. Those folks turn things around really fast.

Yeah. And in order to be a picker, you need to have multiple things to pick. You need multiple men to choose from. So if you only have one guy or nothing, that's not really picking. That's not really choosing necessarily. Like, that's why in the little love steps, we go from little love step three, where we're getting out, meeting lots of people, meeting lots of high value men, to little love step number four, where we are qualifying those guys. That is our picking stage. We are intentionally picking these guys to see who matches our love vision. And that's exactly how we do it. So, you know, since I mentioned the little Love steps. I might as well. I very rarely do this, but@thelovesteps.com, i don't wanna leave you all hanging. We have a step by step training that walks you through all that stuff. So for those who are interested in knowing what I'm talking about here, we have something over there for you.

Yeah. And so I think, you know, when it comes to picking people, I think kind of following from that theme of you're not really doing a lot of picking, it's the second major problem that people or trap people fall into is you're just too focused on him and not enough on yourself. And what I mean by that is you're basing your feelings about this relationship and how it progresses based on how you think he feels about you. So he gives you some attention, he pays you some compliments, he tells you you're beautiful and amazing and he hasn't met a woman like you. And don't get me wrong, we all love to hear it, but if you care about those things too much, you're falling for a trap. Because though anybody can say those words, it's nice, but you don't want to be overly impressed by those things. And so you don't even realize that you're picking guys for that reason. But if you're too easily impressed by attention, you're going to end up with the wrong guys.

Right? Well, it's the ultimate flawed question, which is, how do I get a guy to like me? It's like the question in itself is flawed. It's coming from a place of weakness rather than strength. The real question is, does this dude deserve you? Is he worthy of your time? How do you feel about him? I don't want you to try and get a guy to like you. Yeah, of course there are things you could do to be more flirtatious and bring the right attitude and the right energy. But we'll do that to attract multiple people as we're getting out there meeting people. But just one guy. Nah. We're not going to do some weird little tactic to try and get him to like me because it comes from a place. Once again, insecurity and weakness come from a place of strength. Because you are the prize, not him. You are.

Besides, you don't want to have to constantly be putting in all that effort, like running a million miles in place, like trying to get a guy to like you all the time. It's like, no, no. You want him to like you for who you are without all that effort. Like be authentic And I, I love, I love that you said it. It's the ultimate flawed question. Love it.

Right, Gary, you want to take us to the next one?

Yeah. So this other, this is the other piece of this is there's not a picker that's broken. It's possible. And I mean this in all, take this in all. The kindness that it's meant with is your picker isn't broken. You are. And so what I mean by that is you think it's that the problem is with you picking the guys, but the problem is actually there's something missing or something unfulfilled in yourself. And so I say this a lot to clients, but you have to be the right person to find the right person. So if there's something unresolved, missing or lacking in yourself, it's not another person, particularly not a romantic partner. As a guy, it's not their job to fill that in. And I know there's this romantic notion of you complete me. And that again sounds really romantic. But it's the wrong way to try to approach relationships. You can't use your relationship to fix or fill in. And if you try this, if you try to use relationships as a way to complete yourself, that dynamic is really appealing to the exact wrong type of guy, right? The guy who likes to be dominant, the guy who likes to be controlling. The guy who likes weak women. That neediness, you can be preyed upon by the exact wrong kind of manipulative, just jerky guy.

Are you getting tired of the guys who don't want to commit? And are you ready to attract that long lasting relationship? Well, for podcast listeners, we have a very special training that is available at he commits.com when you go over there, you can go ahead and reserve a seat. We are going to walk you through the five secret strategies that make men commit. I want you to discover your power and make as big beg for your affection. Go to he commits.com and you can dive deep into that content. All right, back to the pod. It's really what you attract you, you attract in your life the energy that you're putting out there. And when we come from a place like I, there's a few times I can think back to in my 20s where I just, I wasn't in a good place. Like I just had a lot of things that were unresolved for me. Like professionally I was going through some family stuff. I, I can think to a certain specific time in my life. And I remember when I was dating, I was just getting involved with all of the wrong women. And it's so interesting that you say that. It just rings true at this very specific time in my life. I won't get into too many specifics, but man, at the time I'm sure I was like, oh man, I just suck at choosing the wrong women. It's like, nah man, it's you, you got some stuff going on. You gotta, you gotta work on that first, dude. Because if you really want to attract the high level person that you're looking for, that's in your love vision. I didn't call it a love vision back then, but it's what I had. You got to step up to the plate and you have to be what you want to attract. It's really incredible stuff, Gary.

It's something that you say in, I think it's little love step one, where it's like, sometimes relationship problems are really just life problems.

Right.

And so, you know, this picking problem is manifesting as a relationship problem, but it tracks back earlier than that. And there's actually been two studies on this topic that I absolutely love that just come out this year. And one of these studies just came out literally a week ago. But it's this idea of how well you know yourself and how does that relate to finding partners. And this is what I mean by like, it's not your picker that's broken, it's something about yourself. And so the, the basic idea is if you're unsure about who you are, you're not clear about your self concept, you basically have lower self understanding, you have a hard time evaluating whether other people are going to be compatible with you. And this other study that just came out basically found very similarly that same idea, which is if you don't know yourself that well, you're just more willing to date incompatible people because you don't know who you are. And so you're kind of using those relationships to help figure it out. And, and so when you try to do that, it's really hard to match with somebody who's going to be good for you. And so anybody you pick, if you're picking from a place where you don't know yourself that well, almost anybody you pick is going to be a bad pick unless you just dumb luck your way into finding a match somehow. But it's, it's really hard to find the right person if you're not the right person yourself in the first place.

Well, and as a ray of hope to those who are dating later in life, you know, one major benefit of dating in your 50s, 60s, 70s and beyond is probably have a much higher clarity of self concept. I don't know if I'm saying that correctly, Gary, but help me. But you, you have a much clearer idea of who you are as a person. And I hear it all the time from women who are in their 60s and like, oh, dating was so much easier in my twenties or even when I was in my teens. And I'm like, are you crazy? Think back to when you were in your teens. You go out with some guy, you don't know who you are, and you end up choosing all the wrong guys and he doesn't know who he is. That's why, like dating, dating before you're 24 is just pure chaos. Okay, maybe 22, but it's just pure chaos because no one has settled into themselves yet. So everyone's choosing the wrong partners and that's normal. And as you get older, I think it just becomes more, more and more clear the type of person that you are and what you really want in a relationship, allowing you to make a more clear decision as to who is right for you. Because how are you going to choose who's right for you if you don't know who you are? Like, what you're doing?

It makes it nearly impossible.

Right.

And so I think that really starts getting in now we're like really getting into. The picking part is like who you're picking for compatibility reasons. It really does start with you. But then the fourth way to have a broken picker is when you are picking, you're picking more based on chemistry instead of compatibility, connection and character. And this is a very common thing because chemistry and those superficial qualities are the easiest things to pick up. We get to see how confident the guy is, how charismatic is. Is he funny? Is he good looking? Is he tall? Does he have signs of financial security? Like all that stuff is easy to pick up. So it's easy to make our picks based on those qualities. Funny thing though, that stuff doesn't matter for long term happiness. So if you're in that pattern where you pick guys and it's like everything's great for a really short period of time and then it all just kind of falls apart. You're probably picking more based on chemistry and not looking at those character enduring qualities like compatibility.

Yeah, yeah. And like, look, I will admit some of those things do matter to a degree. But like, you know, his financial security. Yeah. Does he have some access to resources? Of course we don't want to be with Joe Schmo, who goes to the local dive bar and doesn't have $2 in his pocket. I get it. But what matters so much more, again, is their true character as a human being. Now, I think this poses the big problem for a lot of people, and this might lead to lend into this idea of picking is because you can't know that early on, and it takes two, three, four months before you really know someone's character in a relationship, then it means we have to be willing to leave bad relationships once we get new information. So it's not even necessarily about the picking right off the bat. It's about the leaving. Because you got to be able to leave, which is hard to do, especially if he's sexy and great in bed and has access to resources and he's tall and all your friends are like, oh, my God, he's so great. But behind closed doors, he's a monster. Those are tough situations to leave. I get it. But we have to really, once again, always be looking at what do we want not in the next three, four months, but what do we want over the next three, 30, 40 years in our life.

Yeah. And this is where I think, you know, what you designed in the little love steps in. In step two with the love vision is so smart. It's like, have a set of priorities about what you really care about before you meet somebody so that you have that to go back and refer to. Because you're going to lose objectivity when you're in. In starting to fall in love and feeling all those, like, love chemistry feelings. Like, it's hard to be objective, but if you've already plotted it out, you have this benchmark to look back at and say, like, wait a second. I didn't say he had to have a nice watch, but I did say he had to be kind.

Right.

He's not very nice to me. Oh. Like. And so it does become hard to leave relationships, but it becomes a very necessary thing because all this chemistry stuff. You know who's really good at this? Narcissists.

Right.

People who have that narcissist. They're great at wooing. They're great at the early phases. They're great at the love. Like, just the gestures and it's like, oh, so magical and amazing. And. Yeah. Until it's not. And so once you see the true longevity of their consistent character traits, if it's not, don't go too much on those early times. Those early times aren't that special. You have to be willing to walk away.

Gotta be willing to walk away. And instead of doing, which is the fifth point here, instead of treating him like a challenge or a project, I get it. You ladies out there, you are type A. You're competitive, you're like me, you're like Gary. You just. Nothing is better than a good old fashioned project to work on. It's just like, that's my favorite thing. I love projects. I love to be able to help people and help them grow. But when it comes to your relationships, this is not the place to put your energy into a project to try to fix him, to try and change him. You might even have a little bit of what we call a savior complex, where you are the knight in shining armor who's coming in and finally saving this guy from all of his negative tendencies. And then you're going to come out on the other side and be this perfect, incredible person. You're gonna be praised by everyone, including this guy. Don't do it. Don't fall. It's a trap. It's a trap. He's taking you right to hell on that horse. And trust me, it's a trap. Don't do it.

And it all comes from like the world's best place. Like, you're kind, you're forgiving, and you think you can love and care this guy into being a better person. And probably not. Just probably not. It's just probably not going to happen. And so, you know, that leads to this pattern of bad picking. So we also not to make this too much of a downer, to kind of have the positive side too. Four ways to be a better picker. Like we said, here's how you go wrong. We're going to talk about four ways how to be a better picker. The first one is simply figuring out what need is your broken picker fulfilling. So this is something you're doing. This is a pattern you've established. We're utilitarian as humans largely. And so why do you have this pattern? What is this doing for you? Is it possible this can be a little tough lovey, but is it possible that you like the turmoil and the drama? Do you like the attention that you get when you get to tell stories about how you had this amazing relationship, it all fell apart and you got wronged? Are you a little bit afraid of closeness? Maybe you're needy. Do you like feeling superior where it's, you know, you pick these guys who aren't as great as they seem in a weird way that makes you seem better than them? Is that what you're after? And of course Like, I don't know if it's any of those things. It might be none of those things. But it's worth asking yourself, taking a little time to sit back, little insight. If you're falling into this pattern, what need is this satisfying for you?

Well, Gary, I think, you know, you said it here, but I just want to say this again. Like, emotional volatility in a relationship is kind of hot. I know you didn't say that, but you talked about turmoil and drama, Right. There's nothing hotter than drama in a relationship. Like, there. I can think back to a few relationships. I had my 20s, oh my God, was it all over the place? And oh my God, the sex was amazing because you have this fight and then you get back together and then it's like you leave and you're so lovey dovey and then it goes cold again and then it's just hot and cold and it's so exciting until you're like, God help me, I can't do this anymore. But there is something that is so just enticing about those relationships. And if we're not intentional about what we really want in our lives, it's very easy to get sucked into those.

Yeah. And I think that brings us to the second way to be a better picker, and it's a way about being more intentional, is make this whole dating process less about picking and more about being. Instead of worrying about the guy that you pick, you're giving them too much credit. Right. The success of your relationship is less about them and more about you. Focus on who you are as a person. I already said this a little bit, but like, be the right person to find the right person. I just heard this the other day, and I think it's a nice way to put it. It's something. And I'm going to misquote this slightly probably because it's off the top of my head, but it's. Instead of chasing butterflies, create a garden that attracts the exact butterfly you're looking for. And it's exactly right for dating. Instead of worrying about picking the right guy, just be the right woman who naturally attracts the right kind of guy.

Yeah, I love that. The next thing is thinking about, like, what would it look like if all this were easy? Right. Look for the open doors. Look for the low friction areas in relationships instead of trying to sneak in with hacks and tricks like take the easier path when it comes to dating and relationships and. And you know, we've said this from time to time, but want to date within Generally speaking, your league, for lack of a better term, date. Like if we're constantly trying to chase after the guy who is once again, he's 6 5, he's got all the flashy things and it's really exciting. He'd be an amazing showpiece to show all your friends. I mean, feel free to go for it, but that's not the type of relationship that's going to last. And when we say date within your league, it doesn't mean lower your standards. It means revising our standards to set you up for something long term. It doesn't mean I don't want you to be with someone who is so hot, so sexy that you find massively attractive. It just might not be like that on the very first date. It might be a little bit more subdued, it might be a little bit more calm. But it grows, it grows and it can grow even hotter than anything you've experienced before. So think of it that, think of it that way. You know, on the apps, the dating apps in particular, there's such interesting research that shows that women in particular are more picky than men are when it comes to online dating. The top 10% of men on online dating apps get 90% of the attention from women. Guess what the bottom 90% of men get? Crickets. No one's interested in those guys. Where's us men, by the way? You know, we get a lot of flack out there as being like this horrible people and all that. And I get it. Guys can be kind of the worst sometimes. We, the data shows we kind of spread the love. We're, you know, like if you're in the bottom 90%, you're just trying to get a date and you'll date, you know, various people, online dating, whoever it is. So be willing to kind of broaden your horizon when it comes to dating and not just get caught up with the flashy things, the exciting things, those things that emotionally are so exciting because that is fleeting regardless. And what we're really looking for is something long lasting.

Cool. Yeah, absolutely. And I think that that is so smart, right? You have to be smart about who, who you're going after. And so this is, this whole podcast is all about broken pickers and how to fix them. I think we saved the, maybe the most important piece for last. And that is if you want to have, if you think your picker is broken and you think you have a hard time picking the right guy, the number, I think it's probably the number one thing you have to do to fix A broken picker is. Throw out your type. You have a type. Look back at the people you've dated. There's a commonality there. There is a theme that runs through them. There's a pattern. Throw that out completely because you end up with a bad picker, because the range of options that you're picking from are all bad. And so if you're going for a certain kind of guy and any of those kind of guys you pick, it's probably going to end up in an unfulfilling type of relationship, because it's just fundamentally, you're picking from the wrong place. Right. So throw it out. Do something intentionally different, purposefully. Go beyond your type. I don't know what your type is, but you. You probably have a sense of tall, dark, and handsome. Go for something different. They can be tall, handsome, but maybe less dark, maybe more like, who knows.

What it is, but like me, either way, or even darker, whatever, just different. Go different.

And I think at first, if you haven't dated in a while and you've had a string of not so great experiences, especially at first, do this just as an experience and a growth opportunity. Go completely different. Completely different. Like you only have dated one. Do the opposite. Just try. You'll spend an hour. You get to know somebody, see how it goes. But, like, just try to broaden your horizons a little bit, because part of your issue with picking is you've just been picking from the wrong places and there's bunches of other guys who are fantastic, and it just hasn't been when you're looking awesome.

Thank you, Gary. That was great.

Yep. Thanks, Adam.

So now you've reached the end of the podcast. Thank you so much for being here. And because you have proven that you are serious about attracting love, you wouldn't be listening to this podcast if you didn't feel that way. What I'd love for you to do is go to love loveapply.com where you can apply for a complimentary love strategy session where a professional love strategist on my team is going to speak with you directly and be able to see whether or not our executive love coaching programs can be transformational for you and your love life. There's absolutely no fee whatsoever. All you gotta do is head on over to loveapply.com schedule that session, and you could be speaking with someone on my team over the next couple days. All right, thanks so much. Talk to you soon. Bye.

Bye.