BONUS: The Dilemma Every Woman Faces When Dating

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Stop having so many musts for yourself. Right? Like, I know we have clients. You know, they'll say, like, I need to find a partner by December, or by the time I'm 42, or by the time this happens, it's like, that's unnecessary pressure. That's actually not going to help you find the person that you want.

Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast, where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. All right, Garrett, today we're going to be talking about some of the dilemmas that daters face when they're getting out there and just kind of jumping into this topic. We don't have a ton planned. Right, Gary, you want to just keep this pretty casual because you mentioned your wife said we need to just do more ad hoc content, right?

Yeah. So it turns out my wife has become a pretty big fan of the podcast. She thinks we're both really funny. She thinks we're entertaining.

I think she's great, by the way. I haven't met her, but just hearing all this makes me really like her a lot. Colleen, you're awesome.

Clearly, she has good taste. No, but so much so. Like, it was the middle of the day a couple days ago, and she's like, she sends me a text. She goes, oh, my gosh. This latest podcast, it was the one about sabotaging, you know, what people do to sabotage their dating life. She goes, this one's amazing. She's like, in particular, the stuff on Shiny object syndrome and Fatal Attraction, like, this is the kind of content women just at every age need to hear more of this stuff. And I was like, yeah, you know what?

You're right.

And it's like there's so many things about dating that, like, there's complicated, like, little nuances and things, like, but like some of the basic, basic stuff. I don't know if we've ever really talked about, like, some of the most foundational, basic things. And so that's what I kind of want to talk about today is.

Yeah.

A dilemma that I think every single dater faces.

Well, and I think we provide a different perspective than some coaches out there or just people in general, is that we're two married guys. Okay. Which is just different than, I know a lot of coaches out there, experts and so on, so forth, who are single. And they give it from the lens of being in it when you're single. And I think when you're single, you see these kind of short term shiny objects is mattering more than they do. And then when you're, when you're in it for like 10 years, you kind of realize, like, wow, that was all kind of a distraction. And even the clients, or like, now we're talking about our clients, like, even our clients who have been married for 30 years, and even if they're, they had an amazing relationship and their husband passes away and now they're single again, they also get distracted by that. Even if you're like, hey, remember that incredible relationship and marriage you had with your husband? Like, do any of those initial things that brought you to him as far as, like the, the shiny objects and all that, did any of that matter for the relationship? They'd be like, no, no, no. But even still, they still get tricked by these things. So it's just, it's a really interesting intellectual kind of minefield we have to work through with our clients because it is a real dilemma. And I think when you're in it and you're single, you can just get lost in all the minutia, you know?

Yeah. And I think the other thing that, the reason why I want. I wanted to talk about this is. I mean, what, what listeners probably don't know is that you and I talk a lot about content outside of the actual podcast. And we were just having a conversation the other day about, I don't even know exactly what it was about, but then you were telling me, like, hey, I have this really good idea for a strategy to help people who are dating. And you. We're going to share that later. So we're going to, we're Going to get to that.

You're giving a tease.

That's a little tease. That's a little podcast 101 little tease. And so we're going to get to that later. But, like, first I think we really want to unpack the problem. So we've kind of been thrown around this, this idea of shiny object syndrome, this little sos and that's just really focusing too much on superficial things that don't really matter that much.

Right, right.

And we've talked about that in a couple other podcasts. So I think there's another one that, that goes hand in hand. And this is the dilemma I think every dater faces, which is people wanna find their partner fast.

Yeah. Right. Who doesn't?

Everybody.

Yeah.

Every client we have, they all want the same thing.

Yeah. Two months, find a boyfriend, eight weeks, guaranteed. Guaranteed, Guaranteed.

So many programs say, we're gonna help you find somebody fast. Fast. Speed. Because we hear this from clients all the time. People want instant, they want magic, they want chemistry. And it all sounds very, very, very romantic. But what we try to ask and get them to think about is, is speed, magic, chemistry, all those, like, high energy. Is that what's best for the long term, fulfilling, committed relationship that our client, our clients say that they want. And that's a hugely important distinction. And honestly, what has drawn me to working with you, Adam, is that unlike so many other programs out there, other programs, like, we're gonna help you find somebody. We're help you find somebody. It's like, look, you and I both know we've been doing this a long enough time. And you especially, it's like, you can help somebody find anybody. You can do that quickly.

Yeah, Just go down to the local pub and find Joe drinking Bud Light. And I'm sure he might not have all of his teeth, but he'll date you. Find love, someone find love fast. Eight weeks.

That's it. And it's, it's just the wrong approach, it's the wrong strategy. And it's ironically, it's not a strategy we would use with any other major life decision. Right. Like, right. So anybody who's listening, like, at some point you're like, maybe you've purchased a car, maybe you've purchased a house. Like, when you're doing these big, lifelong, long range kinds of decisions, you're not saying, I want to do this fast, I'm gonna do this fast. I'm gonna do this fast.

Like you wouldn't buy a book, like how to buy a car within 10 minutes as quickly as possible. It's like, no, take your time, take your time. There's no rush.

And it's even like sometimes people will do that. And it's like every, I don't know about you, every time I've heard a story about somebody with a car that ends up being a lemon, that's just a piece of junk. Later, it was just like, we actually did a whole podcast about this, so I won't go too. But I. But it's like, it's just they fell in love with like the looks of a car and they didn't bother to look to see that it had 500,000 miles on it and it was going to be a problem. And it's like we get tricked by the shiny objects and we get tricked by the shiny objects more when we're trying to do things fast. And that's a huge problem.

Yeah, I think it just goes back to like this idea of when you're single, it's like things are moving so intensely. Like there's so many much emotion involved in it. When you meet someone that you really like and it's so exciting and you're going on lots of dates and oh my God, it just feels like such a whirlwind. I feel like it's really hard to just zoom out on your whole life when you're single and starting to date someone that you kind of like. Like you get so focused in on their short term needs and pleasure. Like even just have I heard back from him or her in our case in the last three hours, like, whoa, zoom out. Zoom out on your entire level. Like it's okay. Move slow, move slow. Because, and I think that that's what differentiates us from anyone else out there is we're focused on the long lasting relationship that, that lasts the rest of your life. So you can do it fast and find someone quickly that will probably likely be low quality or you can move slow and actually make something last and it's going to require you to cut a lot of guys out of your life. We're like the anti fast because we're, we're constantly telling clients to say next and break up and move on and raise your standards. The only caveat to all this kind of rant that I don't even know if any of this is following a thread here, is that the one thing I will say to do a lot of and to move fast on is meet lots of people. So we are like pedal to the metal, meet lots of people, move fast, go on dates. If a Guy is if a guy's asking you online to meet up, go meet up with him, do all that. But when we say move slow, it's much more about the big life events, such as exclusivity, moving in together, buying a house together, of course, getting married and sleeping together.

Yeah, I mean, so much of the key to, you know, solving this dilemma is some of the things we talk about, like dating, slow pacing, the importance of patience and discipline. And to me, it all comes down to this difference between speed and direction. People focus on speed and how fast they're going, but what they really need to pay more attention to is the direction that they're headed. Right. Because if you're going super fast but in the wrong direction now, you're just. You're in a mess. Like, you're nowhere near where you want it to end up. You could be going really fast, but, like, running around in circles. But it's like the most important thing is to get really, really clear on the direction that you're headed. And then you can go slower but more intentionally, and you're going to get where you want to go. Like, so often what I see clients doing is wanting so badly to go fast that they're trying to win a prize. Like, they're trying to find this partner who they consider a prize, but it's actually not even the prize that they want to win.

Yeah, right. Are you tired of committing your heart to a man who only just pulls away? Well, if so, we have a very, very special presentation that's available to our podcast listeners. It's at a special link. It's called he commits.com and it's going to walk you through the five secret strategies that make men commit. Head on over to he commits.com. it's only available for a short period of time. I think you're going to like it a lot. All right, back to the podcast. Well, I think a lot of times people will. Will do this in general, which is rather than moving towards something, they're trying to move away from something. So what I mean by that is that when people are trying to move fast in relationships, they probably don't enjoy being single very much. They hate it. The thought of being alone is horrible. So the first time they get any glimpse of an opportunity to not be single, they are on it. So that's why, like, Little love step number one. Sorry, for anyone who's listening with audio if that slap got you, I won't do that again in the future. Little love step number one is all about Building you up and your confidence and enjoying your life and legitimately loving every single minute of being single. And once you do that, it's crazy. Like the. We always say the moment that you love being single, like, truly love it, is the moment a man will come into your life and make you unsingle.

Yeah. It's because, like, all of a sudden you're sending out the right kind of energy or vibes or whatever. It is just the confidence you exude, this confidence that guys start paying attention to you, you start to be different and you differentiate yourself from all the other women that are out there because there's just. You have a different sense about you, which. Which is so important. It's not something you can fake, and it's something you have to kind of come to naturally. And it's something that, you know, I. I've seen us help dozens and dozens of women with just in the last couple months. Right.

Yeah.

I. I think it's important too, to kind of understand for the women that, you know, some people are listening to this for, like, you know, thinking like, oh, my gosh, they got me. This is totally me. This sounds like me. You have to kind of understand where this is coming from. And I think a big piece is anxious attachment.

Right.

We won't kind of go into a long thing on that, but it's just like a strong desire and need to build connections with others because you're worried about being alone. You're worried about being abandoned. If you yourself are feeling unfulfilled, like you don't have enough going on in your life, you're trying to fill in the blanks, so to speak, with somebody else, and you want to fill it in fast because it's uncomfortable. And that goes to your point about, you know, being comfortable being single. Because, you know, we don't want. We don't want you to be afraid of being single. Like, the whole thing is like, you should be single. Have an amazing, full, complete life that any other person would love to be a part of. Once you have that, then your relationship ready. Yeah.

Yeah. You're just naturally going to attract the right type of people in your life. Once you really enjoy that and you're going to be comfortable moving slow because, you know, even if it doesn't work out, you're going to be okay. You know, you have an anxious attachment style in your head. You have this monologue or this narration that, like, I can't lose this person. I gotta hold on. What's going to happen if he doesn't Call me back. Oh my God, I'm not going to be okay. And that's stemming from a lot of programming, likely stemming from childhood and beyond. But it's something you need to be aware of as they're going through this. And I think with that as well, like there is some programming like just in society for moving fast. Like my parents, just as an example. I just told you my mom celebrated her 80th birthday a couple days ago. It was really sweet, it was really cute. We had a big party and my dad gave a speech. Actually it was my uncle who gave the speech and reminded all of us that they met and within three days they were living together. And everyone's like, oh, it was just like such a sweet moment. And it is, it's so sweet. And yes, it did work for them. It did, right? They've been together for I don't know, 50 years or something, 45 years. But does that mean it's the right strategy? No, but like societally we look at that as being like a really strong, a good sign. But in reality like actually like no one would tell the story if you're like, yeah, when she first met him, she really like kind of slowed it down. Want to get to know him first, Let it go for about four or five months and just really kept him at bay. Like it's not quite as romantic as like they really started living together. There's just something very beautiful about like the love at first sight. Instant clicking and that's it.

Yeah. But you know, I think there's also the reality that you know, know your parents, when they started dating, they got, and all that happened. I mean that was literally, literally another century. Right. It was the 1900s. Like that's a different, like my daughter reminds me of this all the time. Like so much of what I've experienced was in the 1900s and it's like it's different now. And I think like that's a reality that we all have to just kind of accept is like things like what seemed romantic was more practical then for, for a whole host of reasons that you just don't have to do it that way anymore. And now it pays off. Being more intentional, being more thoughtful, being more systematic, being more thorough in who you're dating. That's going to help you have the long term relationship. It's like you're. Those stories are amazing of like your parents for 50 years. Like my parents have been married for 40 plus years. I mean they've been married a long time too. And it's like they the exception in a lot of ways. Like they're not. It's not the rule. And it's just. I think things were different back then.

I I just think it's a matter of risk. Like let's say they had moved a little bit slower. Still would have worked out, but it would have been de. Risked for my mom to like move in with this random guy or actually, I think it was the opposite. I think he moved in with her. It's just high risk. That's it. Like do if you bet your equity in your house, you bet it on red. Like, yeah, sometimes that works out and that's great, but we want to be it also sometimes it really doesn't work out. And now suddenly you're living with someone who you just met a week ago and you're like, how do I get out of this? We actually have a client dealing with this currently right now. You're going to hear from her on Thursday. I won't get into too many details because you're taking over my mastermind. It's up coming Thursday. But moved in really, really quickly with a guy and she'd done that previous to joining this program is trying to figure out how to navigate this. Her question actually was how do is still. She's asked this multiple masterminds. How do I slow it down with someone after we've moved in together and they've only known each other for a very short or they've been only been dating for a very short period of time. And I'm like, you can't.

Yeah, you can't unring that bell.

You can't. Like, I mean, once you were cohabitating with a person, there's no like slowing it down. She's like, yeah, well, he's trying to say he loves me. I'm like, you live together. It makes sense. You know, you got to move out. Yeah.

Him saying I love you after you've moved in together is that's on brand. Like, that's. That's literally kind of what you want, right? Like, yeah.

I mean, if anything, you want to be in a loving relationship for many, many months before you live together. Like, it's crazy town.

I want to underscore something you said earlier because I think it's really, really important, which is it worked out for your parents. They were very, very quick. But had they gone slow, it still would have worked out. Because obviously if it was meant to work out in three days, there's nothing that. Three more weeks, three more months, that's not going to derail something that obviously was going to work. And I think that is so important for people to hear. Like, if you're worried that slowing things down is going to blow up this relationship, that's huge. That you're, you're telling yourself something and you're sending up the red flag to say, like, wait a second, this actually isn't as good as you think it is. Because three months, three weeks, whatever, is not going to derail a good thing between two people.

That's so true. Yeah, it's all just about risk. You know what, once you start diving in, you start making certain decisions. Some are very, very hard to get out of and we want to be cautious about that before we make that happen. So. Yeah, I mean, I just think this is a, a massive dilemma that I think a lot of people go through when they're finding love. And when you're in it and you're single, like, it just feels so good to move fast, to move forward, to just feel those feelings and jump right in. But like we said, like always, just keep in mind where it is you ultimately want to go. Where do you want to be in the next 30 years? And I think your teaser earlier, I think it's probably appropriate to bring this in, which we're talking about anytime you. Oh God, I'm not going to say it as well as I said it last time. I know you put in some notes here, but Gary, help me. What did I say last time?

So we were talking about like, how do we help people? Because everything we do is about a strategy. It's like, we can talk a lot about a lot of ideas, but it's like, how do you actually help people put this into practice? And, and so we were talking about like, how to slow people down and how to give people perspective and how to help them prior prioritize the right things. Currently that's going to help them for long term fulfilling relationships. And you said you listen to a podcast, you got to know.

Yes. Yep, I was listening to a podcast and he was saying similar advice in a different context. Like, speak to your 80 year old self. Like, what would your 80 year old self say to you when you're making this decision? Like, if you're really stressed about something, would your 80 year old self say this decision really matters at all in the grand scheme of life? Probably not. Or like, would they say like, you're this decision, you're making the right decision that will ultimately serve me? Your 80 year old self, like, it kind of changes the Tone of the decision. And so I think for us and what we do, I think yeah, speaking to your 80 year old self is good, but you can also just speak to your married self. Like when you are married in that healthy long term relationship, what would that person advise you to do right now? And let's say you're talking to a guy who is emotionally unavailable. He's not treating you very well, he's being flaky. What would she say to you right now? What would your married self say to you? She like, what are you doing, dude, chill out. Like be done with this guy. Like just have a conversation with her. What would your married self say if you're like, ah, I don't know, I really get nervous going to social events. I really don't want to go to the singles event. This is probably going to be really lame. What would your married self say? Married self would be like, go, you want to turn into this, like go make it happen. You want to be me. Like you got to go make things happen. Go, go do it. And it's like, it just allows you to kind of zoom out on everything you're doing and. Or the classic example is let's say you're in a serious relationship with someone. I think this is the hardest one. Who you know you're not going to marry. Like, you just know this person's not right for me. What would your married self say to you? You'd be like, get out of that as soon as possible because you're just delaying me from being married to the married self, you know.

Yeah, that's exactly right. And it's like, I think that's such a helpful tool because sometimes these things can be difficult to talk to others about or you may not have other people in your life that are going to actually offer really wise counsel about these kinds of things. And so it's a way to kind of mentor yourself, but to give yourself perspective. And taking perspective is really important when it comes to relationships because so much of what we do in relationships is emotional, right? It's visceral, it's reactive. And so this helps you step back and be a little bit more objective, a little bit more clear headed about it. Because I think one of the things your married self is going to say, and I think this one's really important, is stop giving yourself so many rules, stop having so many musts for yourself, right? Like I know we have clients, you know, they'll say like, I need to find a partner by December or by the time I'm 42 or by the time this happens, it's like 30. That's unnecessary pressure. That's actually not going to help you find the person that you want. The other thing I think the married self would say is stop being a baby about things. And what I mean by that is like sometimes we'll have people to say, I just need to find somebody fast. I just, I don't want to, I don't feel like online dating, so. Or I don't feel like going out and meeting people, so I just want to find the first person, make it work with them and then be done with it. And it's like again, it kind of goes back to the whole buying a car, buying a house, or any kind of big decision. It's like, that's not how you want to make a decision. It's like if you, if you don't like online dating, get better at it. It's a skill like anything else. If you don't like meeting people again, it's a skill. You can get better at it. And it's, don't let those short term problems or discomforts or awkwardness derail long term implications.

Right.

It's just not the smart way to approach things.

Yeah, yeah. It just, it de. Escalates small problems from, from being big problems. Like if a guy ghosts on you, your married self would be like, well, he wasn't the guy you're gonna marry anyways. And then it also escalates big decisions into those big decisions. Right? Like moving in with a guy and not just doing that flippantly and just like, like, oh, you know what, I'm breaking my lease. I'm just gonna go for it and just see, see where it goes. Your marriage yourself would be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on a second. Hold on, cowgirl. Let's, let's see where the thing goes. It's funny as we're talking. I told you, Gary, offline. I am going to be an officiant this weekend. It's not for a client, it's for one of my good friends, actually, Jessica's best friend growing up. And I'm going to be officiating the wedding. And the funny thing about this one is I'm writing my officiant speech right now is I, I have a whole kind of opening line to it where she, when she was dating and she was single, she was always looking for like a really tall guy. She was always like, oh God, if only I could like just be the guy who's like 6:1, 6:2 like those are the only guys she, she's very attractive and interestingly enough, the guy that she's marrying is actually 6:3. But now that they're together, this is the most irrelevant thing in the world. Like this guy is 6:3, super successful. Like all these things, not once do any of those things come. Like it's the height in particular. Let's just focus on that. Not once does that ever come up at all. Like she doesn't even see it anymore. Like it's literally, it's one of those things. Like after a couple months it's just like it's gone. No one cares. The only time it matters is when a new person meets him and is like, oh wow, you're tall. And she probably feels a little good for a sec. But it's like, other than that it's so, so irrelevant. Whereas like I'm telling you, when she was dating, like she would not even consider a guy who's like under 5 11.

So. And I, I think that's the last piece that the marriage itself is going to be really good at. Helping you gain perspective on is what actually really matters. Like what matters for long term success and helping you optimize for long term qualities. Not short term, shiny OB speed fastening, superficial things that are easy to notice. But it's like, what are those long term qualities? Like how good your partner is at holding a conversation, like having an intellectual conversation, having a kind and understanding and supportive conversation. Like those things really matter. Not how many inches he is off the ground or the number of dollars in a bank. Accounting, all that stuff just doesn't matter as much on a day to day basis. And it's like something we say a lot in the program is your partner needs to be your best friend. And so you think about all the qualities your best friend has. You don't pick best friends based on their attractiveness, how tall they are, how much is in their bank account, any of that kind of stuff. Because that stuff frankly doesn't matter. And so it's the same thing for your romantic partner. And so talking to your married self helps give you that perspective. And then if you take it to heart, will help you optimize accordingly.

And just for clarity, I think we say a lot of things assuming that like people are in love, accelerate and there's some nuance when we say, of course being attracted to someone matters. So like, just a quick like asterisk that I want to say on what Gary just said, like, oh, it doesn't matter, of course we want to be attracted, deeply attracted to the person that you're with. It's just that there are certain qualities that if you can actually just look past them in the short term, like first couple dates, give someone an opportunity, that attraction will actually grow much deeper than it might if you're only going after the six three guy, you know, and. And so that's just like the quick nuance I want to throw in, because I know what you meant, Gary, but I want to make sure everyone else does.

Yeah, it's about optimizing and prioritizing. Right. And so it's not that attraction is unimportant or zero importance. It's obviously important. It's just not as important as other things when you. When you're thinking long term.

Yeah. So, Gary, you're gonna help me with this speech, right?

Sure.

I got him on. You all heard it on recording. I love it. Gary. This is a fun one, man. I appreciate it. Hopefully we. We help some people with some reframes here, and I appreciate this. This is great.

Sure thing. Thanks.

All right, so now we're at the end of the podcast, and hopefully you got a lot of really great information from the this podcast. But as we know, information can only take you so far. It's time to take some action. So what I recommend you do now is head on over to loveapply.com. it's going to walk you through a series of questions, and then you'll be able to book what we call a complimentary love strategy session. Yes, you've heard it. Someone on my team is going to get on a phone call with you, be able to understand your situation, what it is that you're struggling with in your love life, and create that strategy to help you attract that man, that relationship you truly deserve. So take that action. Go make it happen. We cannot wait to speak with you, Love apply dot com. And yeah, let's help you create that love life you truly deserve.

All right, speak soon. Bye. Bye.