Dating After Divorce: Don't Do These 5 Things (Even Though You Want To)

So for those beautiful ladies out there who've gone through a divorce, you probably felt so angry, exhausted, frustrated, confused, and you'll want to embark on a new journey to start filling that chasm that the divorce had created, right? You're gonna want to get out there, start dating. You're gonna want to get out there, start meeting people, and by all means, I recommend it. But before you get out there and start dating, there's a couple of things that you're gonna want to do and thinking about before you hit the dating scene. That's what we're going to be talking about in today's podcast. Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast, where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else. Backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam lodolce, a professional dating coach and founder of love strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy.

You're in a relationship and you think you found love or maybe you realize like you didn't and you thought you found love and it wasn't what you thought it was going to be and then, you know, the relationship falls apart. And that, I mean, there's no other way to say it than that sucks, right? It, it just sucks. And divorce as we know is, it's common. But just because it's common, it doesn't mean that it's easy. And you know, we've talked on other podcasts about breakup and how to cope with break breakup and so, you know, please check those podcasts out. But today we're really going to hone in and focus in on this divorce experience because divorce is, can be in many ways the worst part, worst experience you've had in your life, but it's also a fresh start, it's a new beginning, and you know, it's difficult. It's all going to feel new, the dating scene, depending on how long you were married. But it's a whole lot easier when you have some people along for the ride to help you out. And that's what we're here for today.

Definitely. I mean, that's where so many of our clients, I mean, I don't have exact statistics on this, but I would venture to say that 70% of our clients have been married before. If I was to throw out a rough guesstimate on this. And I think one of the most important things for them when they join Love Strategies and start working with us is just realizing, I'm not alone. There are other people that have gone through the same experience or a similar experience. Oh, this woman, she's also dated a narcissist. Oh, this woman was also in a 30 year marriage that ended in him cheating on her. Oh, I understand. I'm not alone. Because when we're going through divorce, it's very unlikely that your own social circle, there's going to be someone going through divorce at the exact same time as you. And so it can be very lonely. And what we want to avoid as a starting point is just jumping right back in the dating scene because we're like, oh, my God, being lonely is so. Being alone is so different than what I've experienced the past 20 years. So there's just a few key things that you're gonna want to do, but we recommend you don't do it before, you know, when you jump into. Into the dating scene.

So, yeah, we were asked, we're here a little bit today to save you from yourself. Right. In the sense that you want to get back out there, it's a little intimidating. And so you're gonna want to go back to maybe some old patterns, some things that you think you should be doing. And we're here to just say some of those impulses because you've been out of the game for so long may not be the right impulses. And so, like I said, we're going to save you from yourself a little bit today.

Amen, Gary. So why don't we jump into the first one?

Sure. So these are five things you're going to want to do, but you really shouldn't. And so the first one is. It's first because it's probably my favorite one, which is the thing you're going to want to do before you get back out there is you're going to want to wait until you are, quote, unquote, ready. Here's the thing about ready. There is no such thing as ready. There's always going to be parts of life that you don't feel ready for. Are you ready to go to work tomorrow?

No, I'm not ready for this podcast right now.

Are you ready to wake up in the morning? Are you ready to go to bed? Like, no one's ever ready for anything, 100%, but that doesn't mean you can't handle it. And so there's A little bit of a. Just embrace that sense that you're not fully prepared, and you're going to figure it out as you go. At first, it's not about being perfect. It's about getting started, because success can't happen unless you get started. And it's something that. I don't know. It's like certain thoughts that I have on a regular basis. And like this week, it's this idea of, what are you willing to be bad at? Because that really helps you prioritize what's important. And so what do you want to be? You're going to have. You're going to be a little bad at dating at first. It's going to be a little bit awkward. But you listen in this podcast, you look at other resources, it's going to get easier and easier and easier. And so don't hold yourself back because you don't feel ready in many ways. Take the action first, and then the feelings will follow. So you're not fully ready to date. Go on a date, and what you're going to realize is, like, it's not. It's not what you thought. You are more ready than you thought in the first place. And having gone on that first date, you're going to be even more ready for the next one, and so on and so on.

Yeah, I love that. And it is very against common advice, which is, oh, girl, when you're ready, you'll just know you're ready. And it's like, what does that really mean? It's like, is there going to be really one moment where you wake up that morning, you're like, okay, Now I'm fully, 100% ready to attract the love of my life? Sometimes that does happen, but most of the time, there's fears involved. There. There is. You know, you're still dealing with some heartbreak, and all of these things are intertwined. And some people never get to a point where they're just 100% ready. So it's like, just go out and socialize. You know, if you're not ready to, like, fully ready to go on an official date from an online dating app. Okay. That doesn't mean you're not ready to go to an event and start talking to a couple guys. It doesn't mean that you can't go to a party and be able to, you know, flirt with some of the guys that are there. That's. That's okay. There's smaller steps that can be involved in this process, but just don't feel like there's Going to be this one moment where it's like, 100%. Every cell in your body is like, oh, I'm now fully ready. Take the steps. And you know when. You know when the time is right, obviously, to a degree. But, like, don't wait for this one moment where it's like, okay, I'm 100% in, so I love that.

Can I confess? Confess something? True confessions on a podcast.

True Confessions.

There has never been a big experience in my life. I've been ready for ever. Right? I became a professor. I was 25 years old. I wasn't ready to be that when I bought a house. I wasn't ready to do that when I got married. I wasn't ready. Like, you just never fully ready. But then what you realize is after you start doing that thing you didn't think you were ready for, you're like, you know what? I really was. I was actually ready. And so if you wait for that moment, it's never going to happen, and you're never going to get started.

That's so true. I mean, my first job out of college, I was in management consulting, and I was always, wait. I knew I didn't want to do this crap for the rest of my life. I'm like, ugh, I'm so bad at being an employee. But when I'm ready, I'll cut bait and I'll just do it. And the day just never came. I was there for, like, two different positions for, like, about two years. But, like, luckily, one day, it was just so intense that I'm like, I'm out. It wasn't. I was ready. I was just like, I can't show up to work the next day. I'm just. I'm never going back. But I never felt ready. I was like, what did I do? I just left this amazing, cushy job that everyone's like, wow, this is great. And I'm gonna do it to become a dating coach. Like, what? And then you're thrust into this world, but before you know it, you're like, okay, I get it. You get a couple small wins. You're like, okay, I can do this whole thing. And so that's how life goes. And I agree with relationships. It's the same type of thing. You're never really fully ready for it. You just kind of take those first steps and make it happen. So for those out there who are constant procrastinators, who are just waiting for a sign from above that, like, now is 100% the time, this is the Sign go. Actually start making it happen. And it could be just flirting with guys. That's okay. The second thing that you're going to want to do but shouldn't do when it comes to divorce and dating is feel like your divorce is a failure. How many of our clients have felt that before coming to Love Strategies? I mean, we think of divorce as, like, the ultimate failure and life. Which is interesting because in many ways, I'll celebrate a divorce if you're. It's harder. It takes more courage to leave a bad marriage and get divorced than to stay in a bad marriage. And how many people stay in bad marriages? It's like, as society, we should honestly be celebrating divorce in many ways. Like, if someone's getting divorced and they're finally free of a relationship that wasn't working, let's celebrate it a little bit. It's like those cultures that celebrate death. Hey, it's making a nice. It's creating a nice spin on something that can be a little bit negative. But, like, that's the thing. Like, in any divorce, you take on a lot of emotional shrapnel, right? It's like being in warfare, and partners say things about you that just aren't true, but they really hurt. And the thing is, if you're not careful and you don't check yourself, you can start believing these things, you know, and just don't follow. And don't fall into that trap. Consider the source. It's coming from your ex, okay? It doesn't mean anything. It's your ex is your ex for a reason. If he's saying horrible things about you or talking about you as a failure or the relationship is a failure, don't listen to it. And there will be times that you feel bad. Like, there's gonna be times when you're just down and you're grieving the end of this relationship. But don't let those moments define you. That's the key things. It's really tempting to let divorce become your entire identity. And we've seen that. It's like, yeah, you're going through a tough time in life. It's really shitty right now. It's really rough. But it doesn't define who you are, and it doesn't even define who you are in relationships. It's just one stepping stone of your life. That's the key to all this. So one thing you'll hear a lot on the podcast is us mentioning the seven little love steps. These are seven powerful yet simple steps that you can take in your love life to Attract that man that lasts for the rest of your life. So if you don't know the seven little love steps, then I have a free training for you. It's completely free. Just head on over to the love steps.com you can go through that virtual training. I think you're going to really enjoy it and get a lot out of it and understand our exact framework for attracting that relationship you truly deserve. Again, that's the lovesteps.com. all right, back to the pod.

I love what you said about divorce being a brave act, because I always have always thought that it's one of the most courageous things you can do. Because how many people are scared to get a divorce and then just linger in a terrible, even just a mediocre relationship for years and years and years? And so this is why I jokingly say all the time, I'm a huge fan of breakup and divorce. Huge fan. Because as I said in my TED Talk, great relationships seldom fail, but the bad ones do as they should. And if your relationship isn't going well, everyone deserves a great relationship. Get out of the one that wasn't serving you, wasn't working well. Because now you have the opportunity to find the great relationship you deserve. And that takes some bravery to leave the comfort, even if the relationship is not great to divorce. You know, it's like, you hear people having divorce parties and things. I love it. I love it because it really is. Like, stop. Like, don't let yourself obsess over the fall. Focus on the rise. Like, this is a great moment in life. It's a chance to reset. You deserve a ton of credit for taking those steps. Don't forget that piece. Right? Super important.

Well, and there's definitely a. I don't know the exact psychological term. Maybe if you know it offhand, you can let me know. But, like, we believe we are the center of everyone else's universe. And we think that, like, when we go through something, everyone else judges us so harshly. Like, if you're going through a divorce, we all think. We all think, like, oh, my God, everyone else thinks I'm a total failure and a loser. When honestly, in their mind, like, I know a couple friends who, if they went through a divorce, I'd be like, dude, so psyched for you. Pumped. Like, I'm proud of you. Like, you got out. Absolutely not. Absolutely not naming names. But, you know, we all have those people in our life where you're just like, man, if they just got divorced or if they just broke up, like, God, they'd be so much happier. And so our perception of what other people will think of us is not in line with reality. It's so much of how we see ourselves in the mirror. And so if you are looking at yourself as a failure, you ultimately become a failure. But if you can celebrate this moment as being an incredible part of your life, and it's just one part of it, and you learn so much from that relationship, suddenly it can become a huge positive. And that's also true when you do start getting out there and dating. If someone asks you if you've been divorced, celebrate it, like, in a positive. Like, there's a positive way of celebrating. Not be like, oh, yes, thank God, I'm out of the relationship, but be like, exactly how I said it. Like, yeah, we. Things ended. It wasn't a good fit. And honestly, I'm so excited because I learned so much from that marriage. And I feel like now I'm at a stage in life where I'm really ready for the right type of relationship and the right person to spend the rest of my life with. It's like, such a positive spin on such a thing that it just shows your own internal language that you have with yourself, if you can think of it that way.

And I also think it's a good time to remind people that just because people have gotten divorced, it's not necessarily because they're bad people. You can have amazing people who are just a bad partnership.

Right.

I can think of a couple friends of mine, two women who have been divorced, and they are literally two of the coolest people I know. They're amazing people. They just weren't a good match for the guys they were married to, and they were both wise enough to leave those relationships and have subsequently found much happier partners. Right. And it's like, it doesn't mean you're a bad person. It's just sometimes you can be a great person, your partner can be a great person. You're just not great together. And that's a really mature way to look at divorce, is like, they're great. I'm good. We're just not good together. Like, and we. We just need to find better people, better partners for ourselves. And I think that's an important, you know, way to look at this, too.

Amen. Why don't you take us to the next one, Gary?

Yeah, so I think the other thing that people are going to want to do is after a divorce, they're going to try too hard to make it work. What I mean by that is, chances are, if you're. If you've been divorced, you had a time period where your relationship wasn't going well and you had to work at your relationship and really work to keep it together, keep things going. And you became this kind of fixer person. You became the person who works hard at relationships. Now while that might have been the right idea in your long term marriage to try to salvage it, make it work, that, that is not the move for a new relationship. Right. Your new partner. New relationships early on should be easy, breezy, simple. Like it should be relatively simple, it should be fun, it shouldn't be a ton of work. Those new partners have not earned the benefit of the doubt. After you've been together six months, a year, they have benefited. Doubt. And that's when it's like, yeah, I'm going to really. Things aren't really going well. We're going to work on this and salvage this and pull things together. And that's always going to be a part of long term relationships. Working on it. But it shouldn't take a lot of work in the first couple weeks, first couple months. It's. That's the golden era. Like things should be really easy.

Yeah. And the justifications that people use for staying in new relationships are so ludicrous sometimes. And I'm guilty of it as anyone. Like, I get it sometimes you meet someone you're really attracted to. It's great sex, it's great, this great conversation. But, but man, there's a big gaping hole. Like someone I spoke to the other day, she's a newer client, she was like, this guy is incredible. He is so funny, he's so interesting. You know, the only issue is like, he did lie about him dating someone else while he first started talking to me. I'm like, whoa, hold on. I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. So he was dating someone else when you first started dating him and he lied about it. And that's how you're gonna end this. You're gonna start it by being like, he's so amazing, so perfect. I'm like, whoa, we gotta start there, you know? And she was actually divorced. She was previously divorced. And what she was doing was actually repeating a very similar pattern with her first husband. Like it was the same type of thing that she was. She was really looking for a repeat of her ex husband. You could tell this is the way she was framing it. And it was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This is a new relationship, A new. It wasn't even, I don't think it was exclusive. It's a new connection. And you're like, now's the time to set a new set of standards. And don't try to make this work too hard, all right? Like, especially with lying, I mean, where we come from in love strategies, lying is the ultimate death of a relationship. So no messing around there. But I was nicer to her because she was just getting started. But I, I, I eased into the way we kind of hold our standards around here.

Yeah, no, it's super important because it is like, you know, you've been in a marriage for a couple years, things will get rocky and you do have to work on it. Like, you do have to work on long term relationships. But early on is not the time to put in all this work. It should be very easy early on.

Yeah, exactly. Just flows. Now, the fourth thing that I know all of you beautiful ladies are going to want to do when you are coming out of a divorce and you start dating again is Bash the ex. I get it. You have so many horrible stories to tell about your ex husband. Like, oh my God, how rude he was, how, you know, he didn't show up to your child's 13th birthday and he got drunk instead. Oh, the list goes on and on. I mean, you have a whole lifetime of stories that are juicy, that are interesting, and probably feels really good to tell those stories. But don't do it. Don't do it. It's a trap. It's a big old hairy trap. It's one of those like mouse traps, but it's got like frosting in it. Like, oh my God, I just want it like some of that frosting and it's like, bam, Then you're done. Don't do it. Don't do it. Everything that you say about your ex at this moment, if you're on a first date, second date, further along, even your new potential partner, the guy you're on a date with, he's wondering two things now that, number one, is it them? Is it the part the ex husband that's the problem, or are you really the problem? He's going to be trying to figure that out. Like, who really? You know, there's two sides of the story. Then there's the truth. What's the reality here? He's just going to go into that mode and that's natural. Or two, he's going to wonder, well, she's talking so much smack about her ex husband, is she going to say the same thing about me? Right? He's going to be wondering those two things. And so in the Earliest stages of dating, it's about the connection with the new guy. Focus the connection there. Yeah, of course. Like as you start to develop and it becomes a real relationship, you know, you're five, six dates, you're going much deeper. Of course you're going to talk about your ex husband and your experiences and things like that. But that's kind of a different tonality, that's a different way of opening up emotionally about it rather than just talking smack on a first or second date. There's a big difference there. So really avoid it because we don't want to be negative. You don't want to start new connections with negativity. It leaves a bad feeling. It's not going to create a lot of attraction on the date. And just have discipline on this one. This one is all about discipline. Because, God, is it juicy to talk about your ex.

Yeah, there's one other wrinkle to this that I've heard. I heard a client recently on a Mastermind talk about, which is this idea of, I wasn't bashing my ex because I really wanted to, but I wanted to make it clear to this guy that I was over him. And that comes from like, there's some logic to that, I suppose. And that comes from a place of kindness and trying to make it clear to the guy that you're over your past relationship. But I think the reality is there's no reason for the guy to think you're not over him if you're divorced. Yeah, right. Like you're trying to disprove something that a guy wouldn't assume anyway.

The intentions are right, but the strategy is wrong. In fact, by you talking about your ex and trying to prove to him that you're over your ex, excuse me, over your existence, he's going to think you're not over your ex because you're talking about him.

Right. And that's really like the fatal flaw with this whole bashing the X thing. Because I really do think one of the ways to keep a former partner close is to still be angry at them, to still badmouth them. It's just this weird way of keeping them still in your life. Because if someone really doesn't matter to you, they don't occupy much, if any, of your mental space. And so by not talking about them, that is the greatest sign of all that you're past them and they're not holding any sort of emotional pull over you.

Right. Like, Gary, it'd be super weird if you started talking about your ex from like 15 years ago.

Right.

Like, I'd be so weird. I'd be like, do. You'd be like, she's the worst. Oh, my God, she was so mean to me. I'm like, do you still love her?

No. Right. And that would be a totally fair question because why else in the world would I still be worried about this past partner unless I still had lingering feelings? Which, to be clear, I don't.

You sure you're talking about her?

But, like, that's really funny that you just did that. Right? Because it just kind of baited this conversation and turned it into this weird spot which you can easily see happening on a date as well. You start bad mouthing your ex, then it encourages them to start bad mouthing theirs. And then you start wondering, wait a second, are they still in love with that person? Is that why they're bad? He's like, no, they just said that because you and it just. Just stay off the topic altogether. Be positive. You know, they say, hey, what happened? Your divorce? Well, you know, we were. They were a great person. They just weren't the great person for me early on. Leave it at that and move on.

Well, I, I think. Not to digress too much on. Not to go too deep into a hole in this topic, but I do think that there's a certain level of connection you get with another human being when you're gossiping or talking negatively about other people. If you're both, like, it's somewhat gossip, but it's just speaking negatively about your exes, there's going to be a connection point there and you're gonna be like, oh, this is. We're really talking about something interesting. But the thing is, is that doesn't actually spark attraction. Like, there's not gonna. It's not gonna spark a romantic connection between the two of you. Yeah, you can probably both have a really in depth conversation about your exes that's like, juicy and it's interesting and it's all of these emotional triggers for the both of you. But I guarantee if that's all you talk about on the date, both of you are going to get home and be like, nah, that person's not for me. I'm not sure why, but just not a good fit. And so everyone just remember when you're on a first date, you can always redirect conversations. You have the power I have. I've been. So many women used to try and bait me into conversations, and I'm just like, I'm not going there. Like, we're just not. We're not doing that. And you can do it in a very kind way. If someone's like, oh, so you're divorced. Like, tell me about your ex. You'd be like, you know, actually, that's not. Let's talk about that another time. You know, the divorce is in my past. Let's talk about something more fun. I want to talk about you. I want to hear, like, fun question. In 10 years, you could live anywhere in the world. Where would you live and why? You know, and he might be like, are you dodging the question? Like, no, I'm not dodging. I'd be happy to talk about my ex. But, like, is that really a fun conversation? Like, let's just, let's just focus on us. And by doing that, you're just redirecting the conversation in a different direction. And by the way, if he keeps pressing it, that's kind of weird in itself, I gotta say. Like, if he's, if he continues to go down that road on something, you're like, what are we doing? There's a first meetup. There's a first date. Come on. So redirect conversations away from these things and focus on the positive, and suddenly you'll find that people want to go on more dates with you. That's how it kind of works, you know?

Yeah, I love, I love what you said there about the gossip and how you can have a pretty good conversation, but it doesn't lead to attraction. The same, by the way, goes for complaining about anything, right? Like, you both get to a date, you both sat in traffic, you could have a pretty decent back and forth conversation, mutual complaint session about traffic and hassles and life being not so. And that, like, yeah, we, we spoke about that. And it can kind of feel good at the moment, but no one's attracted to complainers, right? It's just not appealing. It's not attractive. And so this is the thing sometimes, and that's what this whole podcast about is like, sometimes what feels good in the moment, what feels like the right move is literally the last thing you want to be doing.

Yeah, absolutely. So ending on the final one, which is kind of on that note, with something that you might want to do, but we recommend that you don't after divorce is to fall for the instant chemistry or sparks with a new guy that you're dating right off the bat, I get it. It's going to feel so romantic to be in a new connection because your ex husband was not romantic. Certainly by the end, there was no romance there. Right. He was just A bump on a log and he didn't do anything. All right, there's probably not much of a sex life there. It just. It just wasn't. It wasn't certainly what this new relationship is. And it can feel like this dream experience again. It's like. It's almost like you're coming alive again and you get to almost skip all this dating stuff and just move right to this great relationship. But we all know it's just not that easy, is it, Carrie? Right. No. And.

And like, these relationships may seem like they're coming easily, but you could just be falling for love bombing. You're falling for some really good bachelor type of first date, because that seems really appealing. And it is. I mean, don't get me wrong, those things are all seem really appealing. You get a lot of attention early on, but those relationships fizzle out really fast. Now, if you're looking for short term physical hookup kind of thing, if that's. If you know that that's what you want, by all means, go for it. But if you're looking for a long term, fulfilling, committed relationship like our clients are, you have to tap the brakes on the chemistry and the sparks. We're not saying that those things aren't important. We're just saying that those can't be your first priority. Build the friendship first, focus on compatibility, and the chemistry will follow. And it's going to be real chemistry, not this artificial, superficial type of chemistry that leaves you looking for love in another week.

If they're listening to this podcast at this point, they're not looking for a casual hookup. You can go to the local dive bar and hook up with Joe with three teeth any day. I promise you, you can just do that. You don't need love strategies to be able to find some dude who will sleep with you, Right? And maybe you're like, oh, well, I'm not sure if I'm ready for a relationship or not. So maybe I'll try the casual thing. Take a hard look at that, like where that comes from. Because what usually happens translating this, having worked with literally tens of thousands of women over the past decade, is we use that as translating. I'm afraid of a relationship, so I'm just gonna dip my toes in and say I'm looking for something casual. But then when I meet a guy I really like, I'm going to instantly want a relationship. And so take a look at that. Because again, we don't want to fall into this pattern of just dating for this instant chemistry, because it's likely what got us into the wrong relationship in the first place with our ex husband. So take the learnings from the previous relationship as much as you can. What are the values that you look for in a man? How do you want to spend your life? What is the friendship potential with this man? Like, is he trustworthy? Do you have great conversation with him? Do you have things in common? These are the things that really matter. Are your futures. Do what you desire in your future. Align, generally speaking, with what he wants in the future. These are things to prioritize if you start dating again so that we don't repeat the same patterns with the original guy that we divorced. And that's how we can really take some of those learning experiences and push forward with a new invigorated dating life. So I will leave it with this for those of you who are divorced and looking for love. You have so much to offer and don't be afraid to get back out there. Now is your time to shine, and chances are, if you've gone through a divorce, you're a little bit later in life. I'm going to quote our coach, Robin, one of our executive love coaches here at Love Strategies. She always says she's in her 60s. Finding love later in life is the most perfect time to attract love. And she would say like that, like a little cheesy, but like so cute. But it is the most perfect way to attract love because you know yourself, you have all this lived experience. Now the key is to use that lived experience and make better choices moving forward. And I encourage every single one of you to get out there, track love, do it with a strategy, do it with intentionality, and we're here for you every single step of the way. Thanks for listening. That was great, Gary.

Thanks, Adam.

All right, thank you so much for being a part of the Love Strategies community. By getting to the end of the podcast, you have proven that you are a high value woman who deserves a long lasting relationship and we would love to help you get there. So what I recommend you do is go to loveapply.com and you can claim a free love strategy session where someone on my team is going to get on a call with you on a zoom session, be able to understand your challenges and see whether or not we can help you make that a reality this year. So head on over to loveapply.com apply for that free love strategy session, and we cannot wait to help you attract that man you truly deserve. All right, thanks for being here.