From Sorrow to Strength: 4 Empowering Strategies to Heal a Broken Heart

Okay, real quick, before we get started, you know, one thing you all know is we don't run any ads on this podcast. So all we ask in return is if you are enjoying the podcast and you want to spread a little love, please leave a review wherever you're listening to this podcast. It really helps us out a lot. And for all we know, it helps someone create the love life they truly deserve. So let's jump into it. But it's the same for every relationship. And really anything in life, you can just look at those moments and be like, God, what if that actually lasted? What if it was. What if the relay bring it back to relationships? What if the relationship was just good enough that you stuck with him for the rest of your life and then your entire life is just good enough?

All right, Gary.

Today's podcast, we're going to talk about everyone's favorite topic in the world, which is heartbreak. Right, Gary. Which just loves to talk about sorrow, the end of things, breakups.

Who doesn't love a good heartbreak story? Ah, just.

Just so beautiful. They don't. They don't make many Disney movies just about heartbreak. It's over. You never hear from them again, do they?

No. You know what this is, this topic is one of those necessary evil topics because, like, how many people do we talk to that, you know, know, you go out looking for a new relationship only when you had one before that didn't work out. Right. And so relationships not working out is. Is part of the relationship life cycle. It's something that everybody experiences. And it's. It's one of these topics that's just, frankly, there's not enough good quality information out there about. And so that's why, like, I know this isn't a great topic and this is like a sad one because people feel lost, lonely, depressed, and it's like, it can be so bad. But I'm not gonna lie, I love today's podcast. Like, big heart. Love it. Because there's so much good stuff in here that I talk a lot about breakup. And there's stuff in here that I've never put down anywhere before. And some. Some just brand new, which I think are kind of great ideas. So hopefully, hopefully you like them too, and the audience does as well.

Yeah, I'm really excited about it too, because I. I think depending on what frame you put a heartbreak, the way that you. What lens you of which you look at take can determine your future success. And some people, when they go through it, it's the end of the world. And they can't seem to get past. And others can find their way through it and actually make it an empowering part of their life. It's kind of like the end of a business. You know, some people look at it as like the failure, the end all or the end of a job, like, oh God, this is the end of the world. And some people like, oh, maybe there's an opportunity for a better business or a better job. And so that's really the frame we'll assuming put on a lot of these things. So Gary, why don't you hit us with that love to. To dive in.

Yeah. So I think, you know, the big picture way to look at this is, you know, dealing with heartbreak and disappointment. It's a skill. Right. And so like any other skill, there's different aspects of this that you can develop either for yourself the next time you're going through a heartbreak or currently, or there's definitely gonna be people in your life that are going through a lot of these things. So some of this might be acquiring skills for yourself or just for, for those around you. But I think one of the biggest things people have to do. And so the first strategy we're going to talk about is see the breakup for what it really is. And so, so many people are in denial about what really is going on. And so that's easy to say as a general thing, but I have a really specific example of this, which is when things end, want to isolate on one key moment or one key thing that was said or one key mistake that was made and say, ha, there it is. That's why we ended.

I sent him a really weird emoji and I'm pretty sure that that weird emoji, I shouldn't have said it, shouldn't have sent it. Why did I do it? That is the reason why it's over, right?

Exactly. And it's like we both know there's no way that's true.

There's no emoji on the Apple phone that I'm aware of that can cause a breakup. If it's a good relationship, it notices emoji that I'm aware of. I don't, I don't think. I'm sure someone could challenge me on that.

Well, and there's no small, tiny little thing or interaction or phrase or smirk or gl. Anything that is going to ruin a perfectly good relationship. It's just, it's impossible. And so trying to focus in on a single specific issue is really just a form of denial because what you're Doing is by focusing on that one thing, you're ignoring everything else else. And I promise you, it's everything else that was the cause for that relationship ending. And so you need to get past this false specification, this false specificity, to realize, like, there were bigger problems. And so that's where you move from that denial into acceptance. To be like, okay, like, what was really going on here?

Right.

You know, something that I think is so incredibly true? I say it a lot. I said it in my TED Talk is great relationships seldom fail, but the bad ones do as they should. And so if your relationship ended, the clarity, the acceptance is, well, it just wasn't that good of a relationship. And so by getting out of that one, it's going to allow you to get into something else better, right?

Yeah. And I think when you look at it with clear eyes and you just kind of play that detective on the relationship and really try as best as possible to look at it from a different lens. Not the emotional lens in which you're probably living, but emotional, much more rational lens, you'll likely see that there are many, many deeper levels of failure. It's almost like asking, like, three or four whys. It's like, well, why did this end? Oh, because I sent that emoji. Emoji. Okay, well, why did sending that emoji cause him to flip out? Oh, because he has temper issues. Well, why does he have temper issues? Because we live 2,000 miles away. Why do you live 2,000 miles away? It's like you go deeper. Before you know it, it's like, oh, this relationship is completely doomed. It didn't matter if it was a weird emoji or for something else. There's no way that this was ever going to make it. And you can really do that with anything in life. Just keep asking why until you get to the heart of it. And before you know it, you're like, oh, yeah, this relationship was never going to make it.

It's that old tip of the iceberg metaphor, too. It's like, you know, there's that little piece that you're seeing, but there's like, so much lying beneath the surface that you're not seeing, they're not paying attention to. And it's all that stuff beneath the surface. That's what's really going to get you. Right. I mean, that's where the real problems lie.

Yeah.

And I think part of with seeing a relationship clearly is one of the things that hurts the most about a breakup is that sense of feeling alone. Right. It's like, oh, my gosh, I had this person. Now that's gone. I'm all by myself. But one of these we don't really recognize nearly enough is that in those relationships that are failing, there was probably a lot of feeling lonely while you were in the relationship. And the research shows that this is a big contributor to relationship problems anyways. Like, people in relationships also feel lonely. And so if your relationship got to the point where things ended, you probably had some level of that dynamic going on. One of the problems people have, though, is that once that relationship ends, they start missing a version of the relationship that they never actually had in the first place.

Oh, yeah. Just glorifying every single part of that guy. Yeah, he had a temper, but he just loved dogs. He was so sweet to my dog. Oh, my God. He would take him for a walk every day, cuddle with him, tell him what I love. Tell that dog how much he loved that dog. Oh, did he do that to you? No, no, no, no. He. He wouldn't do that to me because of, you know, whatever. Like, what are we doing here? What are we talking about? This is never meant to be. And I think. What were you going to say?

I was just going to say you're looking back at things in this way that it's completely devoid of reality. You're detached from what was really going on in the relationship, and you're just actually making yourself feel worse because now that thing that you lost seems like that much bigger of a loss because you're playing the greatest hits tape on repeat and you're like, things are wonderful. Things are amazing. There was that one time he was nice to me, and that's why we were a magical couple. And it's like, no, that. That one time doesn't count. Like, there's more to relationships.

I'd love to dive into the psychology of this a little bit, because I would imagine, and you're our resident psychologist here, but I would imagine, for starters, I know this one for a fact, that humans have very bad memories. We have very selective memories. But I would also imagine that the memories we do remember tend to be more positive memories in general. Like, looking back at my life, if something bad happens, I kind of try to forget about it, like, while I'm in it, pretend it's not happening and rationalize it, or tell myself a different story while I'm in it. And then later, like a year down the road, I kind of try to forget those things and only look back on the positive things. Is that a part of my own human psyche or is that kind of a part of the human way of looking at life?

Well, I think what you're describing is more of like a motivated remembering. And that's definitely a thing where it's like, you know, depending on how we want to look at an experience, we will remember certain parts of it more than others. Now, I mean, I would say generally, the way, you know, our psychology is programmed, we're actually pretty good at remembering negative things because those negative things are threats to our survival more so than positive things. Right? And so it's like that, that one time you touched that snake that you shouldn't have touched, like, you're never going to forget that for the rest of your life. And that gets, like, hardcore baked in. But like that nice sunset you watched once, like, you'll remember it, but it's just. It doesn't have the same resonance that some of those negative things do. But, like, those are very mundane kinds of examples. Like, when we're talking about relationships, we're talking about motivated memory. And so if you decide you miss somebody, you're going to. Now think of all the good times, and there's plenty. If you decide that you wanted to break up with somebody and you don't want to be in that relationship anymore, you're going to remember all the bad times, people, because that fits the narrative you're creating. And we like to be right and we like to be consistent. And so, like, that very much fits in.

That's the big difference here is, like, with a snake, there's no reason to ever be near snakes again. If you get bit by a snake, I don't want to be near. Like, there would be no reason for that. But in a relationship where you really want it to work, you want to make this happen, I think it's very easy to. Like you said, it's a motivated memory and you are incentivized. If you are trying to hit this goal of, let's say, get married or be with this person for the rest of our life, you are motivated, therefore, to only remember the absolute most magical times you spend together and forget about all of those times where he treated you. Like, it's just. It's just really easy to look past those moments and just only think about the good ones. So I think that's. That's really interesting stuff. So get real, everyone. Those of you who are getting out of a relationship, get real with yourself. If you're in a rough one right now, get real with yourself. Because it can be so easy to Create this narrative and just continue the vicious cycle. Being in this relationship that's going nowhere.

Right? Yeah. And I think the last key piece of. Of getting real is part of this idea of, you know, seeing the relationship for what it was, which is just. You have to own it. Right. It's so, so tempting. When a relationship goes bad, poorly. And you've heard this from every time someone's told you a story about a relationship going bad is they blame the other person. They were this way. They were a narcissist, they acted this way. They didn't text me enough. They were emotionally unavailable. They, they, they, they, they. Here's the thing, though. You picked them, you kept them, you held on to them, you excused much of that behavior while that relationship was going on. And it only got too bad once. It was atrociously bad. And, yeah, that is their fault on some level, but it's also your fault, too. And if you don't get that second piece of ownership, the role that you played in condoning, allowing, permitting all of these types of behaviors, you're going to repeat it and you have that same problem again and again and again until you realize the pattern, you're able to break out of that cycle.

Yeah. I just don't think it helps that much to relinquish all ownership and put it on the man or other people. Because that doesn't empower you. Right. Like, if you can in any relationship, no matter how horrific he was, how much he tricked you, how perfect he was in the first three months, then later he turned into a complete monster. If we can still take ownership of the decision to stay with him, which is always a decision, it's always a choice every day. And if we can at least own that, then suddenly it's empowering because you can say, if I'm ever in. If I'm. And when not, I shouldn't say when. If I'm ever in the situation again, then I can always leave this. Whereas if you play the victim and say, well, he tricked me at first, and then he turned into a complete monster, and it's like, wait, stop right there. Why didn't you leave when he turned into a monster? Well, I don't know. I was in love. Okay, now you're not taking ownership.

Right.

Right. Now you're blaming love. Now love is the problem.

Okay?

Love, okay, Isn't.

It always isn't. Love is the greatest, you know, driver of relationships and also the greatest excuse for bad behavior. Like, I mean, that's a whole different podcast, but, yeah, I think that's love is. It carries a lot of weight.

It's so easy to be a talker on this side of it right now that we're both married and like all that. But when you're in it, like, man, it is hard to walk away from some of these situations. It is, but, but it's doable. And if I ever stayed in a bad situation, I guarantee you as well would at least take ownership of it. Right? If you would at least take ownership, like, well, I stayed way too long with that crazy woman. What was I doing there? What was I doing? All right, I'm never doing that one again. And I can assure you I have certainly done that before in my life, you know. So are you tired of committing your heart to a man who only just pulls away? Well, if so, we have a very special presentation that's available to our podcast listeners. It's at a special link. It's called he commits.com and it's going to walk you through the five secret strategies that make men commit. Head on over to he commits.com. it's only available for a short period of time. I think you're going to like it a lot. All right, back to the podcast.

Well, I think this one's not as profound, but I think there's one other way to take ownership in these situations. And it's usually when someone breaks up with you and the ownership piece is, yes, it hurts. You want that relationship, you wanted it to continue, you thought everything was great, you're devastated. But here's the thing, like your partner didn't, your partner didn't share in all those same positive feelings. And so you can't be selfish and just want the relationship back just for yourself. You have to respect that this wasn't a great match for them. And so like being respectful of their point of view actually helps deal with it. It's like you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who isn't all in on that relationship with you. Right. Like who wants that kind of one sided relationship? Like you, you want to be in a mutual, shared loving experience. And so if it this your partner who you love decided this wasn't what was best for them, like part of you has to be like, okay, that hurts for me, but I do what once I do want what's best for you. And so I wish you all the luck in the world.

Yeah, use the love that you have for them to set them free. And that's hard when you are not the answer to their Happiness. When you love a person, that is hard. But let that fuel you and give you discipline to walk away from this situation. Personally, I would find it very hard to love someone I don't think I ever have who doesn't love me. Because if that someone stops loving me, then yeah, I might still be drawn to that person. But I think love is a two way street. And it's a verb, man. Like, not to get cheesy. Like, can you really. I don't like when people say, I can't help it, I've just fallen for him. I'm just in love. I can't. I would never use that language even if I felt that towards someone, because it just feels disempowering again. It's just like this magical thing that exists out there. I can't do it because of this force that exists that I have no control of. No, that's ridiculous language to use. Right. It's like, he doesn't love you if someone doesn't love you. If a woman didn't love me, for me to be like, well, I can't help it. I need her back in my life because I've just fallen for her. That's so silly. What are you gonna do then? Okay.

It's also really egocentric. It's, it's selfish. It's like, I feel this way. I need this, I want this. It's like, that's, that's great. But like this relationship thing is not just about you.

Yeah.

Like it's what's best for you and what's best for them and what's best for both of you together. And like, sometimes it's the most basic thing, but it's something people forget, is that relationships are about the dynamic that exists between two full, complete people. And it's like, just because you feel really great about it, it doesn't matter if they, if they don't, then that's not a relationship. Right. That's. It's just not. And so people have to remember that. And I think, you know, this, this kind of sense of like radical ownership in a way and kind of seeing for what it is transitions really nicely into the next piece, this next strategy, which is, see this breakup for what it can be. And so this is where, you know, I, I've talked about some, some strategies before, and I'm not going to talk about anything I've talked about before. So this, this first one is a strategic reframe. And so as much as you may not have wanted this breakup to have happened, ask Yourself. What if this experience is a lesson? What if this is a lesson that was sent from wherever you needed to be sent from or just for it to have happened? Like, what is the lesson that this experience is trying to teach you? Right.

Yeah.

And wow. If you really actually dig down deep into that question and really consider. Shifts your perspective and allows what it can be a really crappy, terrible, negative experience to be a really. A net positive.

Right. I think that's true of any. If you want to call breakup a failure, I will in this case, any failure in life or challenge you run into to look at it and just be like, what can I draw from this? And I remember recently something with. With Love strategies in the business. We kind of overlooked this one little thing, and it caused some major pain for many years, and we just overlooked it. And it cost us quite a bit and didn't cost our clients. It just cost something internally as far as, like, an expense. And I was like, you know what? That's a stupid tax. That's just the stupid. You know, I got to pay my tax. And sometimes in life, you got to pay a stupid tax. And maybe if the relationship. The lesson is, I've now paid my stupid tax or my love tax.

Right.

There it is. You paid your tax. And now let's move forward. And I think that there's always something. It kind of, like, releases. It's like a funny way to look at things. I always like to look at it that way. Like, dumb decision, Never gonna make that one again. All right. And that's what life is all about. Sometimes in order to learn these lessons, you actually need to experience them. Like, it's really hard for someone to really, I think, to really change their behavior when it comes to their love life until they learn a very hard lesson. Because until you learn that lesson, it's all hypothetical. It's like, oh, don't go after these types of guys. No, no. Well, this guy's different. Okay, great. Go learn the lesson. Then you go back, you're like, oh, now I get it. Okay.

Got it.

Not doing that again, you know.

Oh, wow. That stove was hot. I should not have put my hand on that.

Wow. And I got some blisters. I got some blisters. But ideally, you didn't hold it on for too long, and now you can move. Move forward from it.

Yeah. And it's something you say in the program all the time, which is, either find love or you learn. And so if you don't find what you're looking for, it's Your job, it's your obligation to your current and future self to learn from it. It's like rejection plus reflection that gives you insight. I, I found this quote related to this, which I love. And I actually heard somebody talking about this in the context of like, just bad, like really bad past trauma. So things far beyond breakup, which is this idea, struggle ends when gratitude begins. Yeah. And the guy that said is Neil Donald Walsh. But it's like this idea that like, gratitude, it's like having gratitude for bad experiences. Like, that's huge. And so it helps you avoid the struggle. And I think one of the ways to have gratitude is by finding this, the hidden lesson in things.

Yeah.

And so, you know, this mental flip of, you know, what if this was a lesson? I think helps prompt and provoke some of that thought, which is necessary.

And life is always going to have some type of struggle. There's always going to be some types of challenges in life. And to try to avoid all challenges and all struggles is a fool's errand. It's, it's not going to happen. So if you can just accept that challenges do come in life, through breakups, through challenging situations, professionally with health challenges, you just accept that they're going to come and just bring that, that right attitude. I think that that's amazing. You know who does this as well? Just to bring in other people, like you brought in. This Donald character is Mark Manson. Have you read any of his stuff? I love his, his attitude on all this. He's actually, I think he's, he's a Boston guy, so I especially like him. But just his whole perspective on challenges are going to arise in your life consistently and constantly. And it's all about choosing the right types of problems to have and the right types of challenges and how you're going to respond to them. And some people just, they, they break down at any, any sight of, of challenges in life. So.

Yeah, and I think like, that's the second strategic reframe that I have in here, which is with this breakup. Like, what if you chose this? Like, assume that you actually chose this to happen. Not necessarily that you chose to do the breakup, but it's like, I wanted this to happen to me. And so, so often when a breakup happens, people have go the other direction. They're like, woe is me. Why is me. How could this happen to me? And it's like, so again, disempowering. But if you think about it as a choice, like, we do hard things in life all the time by choice. In order to make us better, stronger, more capable people. Right. Like, people go to college. People take classes in college that they don't necessarily want to take because they're going to get better. Like, you go to the gym, you work out, go running. Like, people don't like. Like these. Like, you do hard things because they make you better. And so this, in the case of a breakup, may not be a hard thing. You actually really chose yourself. But if you think about it as, you know, what if this was one of those experiences I need to have, that was a choice. Like, it becomes an opportunity to focus on yourself. You get some time to yourself, and when you become a better you, you become a better partner for your next relationship.

Yeah, I agree. Couldn't say any better. G. It's great.

I think the last piece of this, in terms of seeing a breakup for what it can be, is you just can't catastrophize things. And so it feels bad, right? And because breakup feels so bad, people have these reactions. And we had recently a client was talking about, and she said, you know what really I think is that breakup is like death. I was like, well, all right, I get it. It feels like that. But it's. There's absolutely. This is not true.

Right.

Death is a whole other range of experiences and things. And the problem is that thinking that you're just making a bad situation already worse. Right?

Yeah. I mean, we think in analogies. Our brain works well with analogies and metaphors. And if that's your analogy, talk about a disempowering analogy. Because, I don't know, I don't happen to be a religious guy, so I believe that the death is the end. Okay. For. For me, at least. All right, this is a. We go black. That's it. It's done. And in relationships, it can actually be very much so a rebirth, which is.

And I like what you said, you know, it's like, it's useful to think in analogies because I think when it comes to breakup, the better analogy is breakups. More like a failed business. Right. It's like it starts. That pass relationship starts full of hope and promise and good intentions. But it just. It didn't work out. Right. Maybe it wasn't profitable or just didn't make as much money as you hope. But the thing with a failed business is that anybody who has successful businesses knows, like, they've had failed businesses. But what those failed businesses do is they teach them valuable lessons that you can then apply to your next business to make that next business even. More profitable. And it's like, that is exactly how it works with relationships, is like you let the failed ones teach you so that you have better next ones, right?

Oh, God. As a guy who's had multiple businesses throughout his life, my, my first one was a promotions company where I used to give away free hot dogs at convenience stores to help promote the convenience store. And we used to do a big inflatables. Have I ever told you about this? No, I've never told you about this.

Hot dogs and inflatables. No.

When I was in college, you know those big gorillas that would be on top of a gas station and like wacky arm inflatable guys, I had a whole business, My brother and I, we started it and we travel all across New England and set up these big promotions, give away free hot dogs. And let me tell you, it looked really good on revenue, on paper, everyone. But we were losing money every single year. Because I was a college kid, I didn't know what the heck I was doing. And when that business ended because we could not pay the bill, I thought it was the end of my life. I was like, that is literally the end of my life. And let me tell you, looking back on that, I am so deeply thankful that that business was a failure because I would still be on top of buildings in the middle of Boston summers with bees all over me, stinging me as I'm putting up an inflatable, wacky, inflatable 30 foot gorilla on top of a gas station. So it's like you kind of have to like, come out the other side, I think, to be able to really appreciate that. But it's the same for every relationship. And really anything in life, you can just look at those moments and be like, God, what if that actually lasted? What if it was. What if the relay bring it back to relationships? What if the relationship was just good enough that you stuck with him for the rest of your life and then your entire life is just good enough?

Right.

Now that is a dark one, right?

That's even worse, right? It's like, you know, we talk about this a lot. It's like this idea of opportunity cost. And it's like, yeah, if you are running a failed business or, you know, this is a thing about breakup, but it's like if you're in a relationship or. And it's just, it's just like tenaciously mediocre, right? It's like, that's okay, I guess, but it's like it's keeping you from that even better. Business. That better relationship that you could have somewhere else. Like, you start thinking that way, it starts to really. I don't know, you see a lot more opportunity for growth and improvement in life, I think.

Yeah. Yeah. And it just takes. That takes a reframe on looking back on the relationship. Don't catastrophize the situation. Be like, I'm gonna be okay, even if you're lying to yourself. And then when you're ready, get back out there, start exploring new. New men, new new situations. And very quickly you'll realize that, wow, am I happy to be out of this situation. Thank God. It's very. Gary, do you know, not to put you on the spot for research, but, like, what percentage. I would be curious, like, what percentage of people five years out from a breakup regret not being with a person? Like, I wonder what I would venture to say that number is, like, less than 5%. Like a very small percent.

I. Yeah, I don't. I don't know if anybody's actually done that research, but I totally agree with you that, yeah, it's less than 5%. It's astonishingly small because for most things, people don't have a lot of regret, particularly five years out, because all these things that we're talking about, you gain perspective and you start realizing these things. Like, I mean, even if you get. If anybody listening to this thinks to, like, some. Something bad that happened or some decision they made five years ago, that was a terrible thing at the time. Like, I can think back to past breakups. I had the same thing. I thought the world was ending, but I'm like, now I'm like, oh, thank God that happened. Like, you don't regret it at all.

Yeah.

And so I think that's, you know, when we talk about from sorrow to strength, it is this whole idea of empowerment. And so this next strategy is. This is like my bread and butter, is like, how breakup can be a positive thing. And so I think this is. Take a breakup experience and turn it into an opportunity. It's your time to shine. And so I. What I think is going to be the best way to do this and actually have, like, a little acronym for this, which is.

Oh, you know, I love acronyms, Gary.

I. The only thing you love more than acronyms. Alliteration. And I couldn't figure out how to come up with alliteration for this one, but relationship reset.

Come on.

See, Too. Too obvious. But so this is idea. Like, so you do a reset, and it's a new chapter for a new you, and all these things are super duper important. So. And actually they're almost in like the, the first one is the most important, which is rediscover. Rediscover is rediscover yourself. Who were you before your relationship? What kind of person were you were. Were you before? Like, get reacquainted with yourself. Like, every time you're in a relationship, there are certain things you de. Emphasize, you quit, you pretend you don't like for the good of your partner. You don't have that person anymore, so you don't have to do any of that stuff. So get back to who you are as yourself because that becomes the foundation for moving forward.

Rediscover or recreate. I mean, I think that's where, depending how long the relationship went for. I think a relationship by nature has a dissolution of identity. Like your identity gets intertwined with another human being. And if it's a short relationship, only two, three months, your identity, you can reset very, very quick, rediscover yourself. But if you've been married for 30 years now, you have to recreate your identity and you have to recreate and rediscover who it is that you are and your, your true identity. And that's going to take a little bit of time, but that is absolutely the first step, moving out of one relationship. I love that, Gary.

Yeah. And I think, you know, it's the first step. It's also one I think people do think of. And so some of these other ones are other, like just extra things you can do to really say and signal to yourself, like, I'm starting over, I'm starting a new chapter. This is a new version of me going forward. And so number two is exercise your mind. And so this is learn new things, take a class, like watch lectures, like, learn about relationships, pick up new skills, join a group, be social, start a new hobby. But like, intentionally start new things. Things. Pickleball. Everybody loves the pickleball these days. Like, I mean that, that's a good one to, to pick up. But really anything new, but like, these are all things just for your mind, just new information, things that are going to expand your sense of self.

Yeah. And it also gives you new things to talk about. Honestly, you're gonna start meeting new people. You have to, you know, when you're getting out there, if you want to combat loneliness, guess what? You gotta go meet some new people. And the best way to meet new people as have interesting new things going on in your life so that you have things to talk about. So it's like, there's nothing like a new class you take, like, improv comedy. Let's say you're like, all right, I'm gonna step outside my comfort zone. I want to exercise my mind. I think that there's very few things that are more of an exercise to the mind than improv comedy. Coming from a guy who's taken a number of classes, it's like, now you can have something to chat with someone about it the next time you meet them. Oh, what have you been up to lately? You know, I'm taking these improv classes. It's really, really interesting. Great. Now you're starting to find out who it is that you really are. And I guarantee the growth that will happen from where you are now to where it is that you're gonna like, the growth from the breakup to, you know, from a year from now is going to be the. One of the biggest growth spurts you're gonna have in your life. Like, I find that that's always the biggest growth spurt is right from a breakup to then, like, a year after. So get out there. Go make it happen.

Yeah, To Toastmasters is another one. That's. That's a good one. Particularly if you want to go where the guys are. A lot of guys at Toastmasters, like, public speaking classes. Those. Those are really good.

Have you ever done Toastmasters? I did that.

I've never felt the need. Like, I do. I do a lot of public speaking all the time.

So, yeah, I think your advice. I agree. Do Toastmasters. But once you become, like, if you're a pretty good speaker, it's pretty tough. Like, it's so hard to listen to people who really struggle in speaking. I don't know. I'm really bad. It's like a. Oh, just. I'm. Oh, God, I'm such a dick. Like, but I'm up there and. Excuse my language, everybody. But I'd be up there and just, like, listening. And you're like, oh, God, I can't wait for my turn to go. Is that bad? God, I'm. I'm awful. But you can meet great guys there. You can meet great guys at Toastmasters. I agree.

As someone who teaches other people how to give public talks and things like that, I would have a hard time being a student and not.

Yeah, okay, thank you. So I'm not the only one. All right, perfect. Yeah.

Now I'd be like, you know, really, like, you should do this instead. But, you know, speak. Speaking of your. Your dynamic period of growth post breakup, I think the More comprehensive you can be about all the different things you're doing, the better. And so we talked about R e the S in Reset is style. And so take this as an opportunity to revitalize your wardrobe. Right. Even, like, what you're wearing, your shoes, all that good stuff. Even things around the house, like, get new sheets, get new plant, like, just your overall sense of style. Just like, again, some novelty, some new things just to kind of, again, signal that. That new chapter in. In your life. Yeah.

Easiest way to double your confidence overnight is just reset your style, your. Your fit, your look. Just get a new look of any sort that you. And I don't care about what is fashionable, what guys find attractive. I want you to look in the mirror and be like, damn, I look good. Like, if you can have that. Damn, this is new. I've never looked at myself with this red dress before. Wow. That is what I care about. I don't care. It could be like a weird artsy hat that has cats all over it and, like, weird, like, beads. I don't care if you look in the mirror and, like, I look good. I love this. Go for it. That's what this is all about. This is the stage that we're in, in your journey.

Yeah. New perfume, whatever.

Yeah. But then once they do start the little love steps and actually get out there and meet guys, I'll probably have them take off the hat.

I mean, your weird cat hat. Yeah, I think that's probably good. Yeah.

So the second I know you have a cat hat.

Never. Not in my life. Never. No, no.

You have a dog hat.

I would have a dog hat. That's a possibility. So the second, Ian, Reset is exercise. But this time, body. Right. So do things for your body, your body. Like a new exercise routine, a new diet. And when I say diet, I mean, like, calorie counting. I mean, just like switching up what you eat or trying something new to eat. Like, if you've never had Thai food, purposely go try Thai food or try, you know, some Indian food that you've never had before. Just again, mixing it all up. If you exercise already, do some new version of an exercise routine. Go on a hike at a new park. Just again mixing it up, doing. Doing new things.

Join exercise classes. Gary, I already talked to you about how I wanted to make this topic of an entire podcast, but we both, or you, I think, thought that was stupid, because it is kind of stupid. But I'm going to use this as my moment for everyone to hear this really important part. I think of like my own, I shouldn't say really important. My most transformational journey in my social life as well as my physical Life was joining CrossFit. And I'm not here to like, be the, like, pusher of CrossFit in general. I know that that's like, been there, done that, everyone's heard about that. But exercise classes, where you can actually enjoy where it is that you're going and you can make consistent friends and is strong, like just people that you can say hello to, meet lots of strangers on a consistent basis, put yourself in situations where you have to smile and nod at people. I don't care if it's yoga, I don't care if it's spin classes, like get off the peloton and go to a spin class, because a peloton isn't going to get you around strangers. Get out there, move your body, and if you can find something that you actually enjoy doing, you're going to stick with it. You're going to get in better shape, obviously, which helps everything, and it's going to give you more energy. So huge proponent of exercise classes, and I'm so glad that the pandemic is over so people can start doing that again.

Yeah, I mean, those, those things are huge. And you know, classes, they join a local group that, a walking group, hiking. Every place has local hiking groups. I mean, those things are pretty much everywhere. So the last piece in Reset the T is this is toiletries. And so this is like, again, it's a fresh reset. It's like starting everything over. And so this is new. Eyeliner, perfume, soap, shampoo, toothpaste, brush, razor. Everything new, everything updated, everything special. So again, it's just like kind of signaling, even like subconsciously to your brains. Like, oh, new. This is a different kind of toothpaste. I've never had cinnamon toothpaste before. Like, it's just kind of starting everything over and resetting for your life, for a new you for the next chapter.

Yeah, don't use the same Tom's toothpaste that you used to use with your ex boyfriend. And every time you brush your teeth, you're like, oh, he used to love this organic toothpaste that tastes terrible. Go get some. Go get some. Go get yourself some Crest toothpaste and brush your teeth with some of those chemicals that we all use. Get out. Get away from the teeth.

Toms, we may get a CrossFit endorsement and advertising on this podcast, but Toms we will never get.

So thanks, Adam. Have you ever smelled Tom? Have you ever brushed Your teeth. Tom's toothpaste. It's so bad. It's like. It's. I know someone who does.

I'm sure it's delightful.

I'm pretty sure her breath is, like, terrible after she brushes her teeth. I'm like, just use some crest. So reset. I love this acronym, Rediscover. Exercise your mind style. Exercise your body and toiletries. Because when you're coming out of a relationship, this really is your time to rediscover your identity. And as you just. And ideally, your identity that you rediscover or create at this phase is going to be much more elevated even than the identity you had before the relationships. So.

Yeah. And I think, you know, with all those different things, like, people, like, when, when to start. Two, three choices, right? You have three choices of when to start. Tomorrow, if that seems too soon, next Monday, if that seems too soon, the first of the next month. And so, like, this is leveraging something we know in research is the fresh start effect. Like, you just give yourself only those three choices. You have to start this whole reset process any one of those three times. Tomorrow, next Monday, start of next month, whichever is the most comfortable for you. But, like, the whole point of that is, like, to really get you going and get you started on that next chapter.

Yeah. And it's like, if you're listening to this podcast at this point, this far in probably today.

Yeah.

Or tomorrow is the time to do it. Right. Like, you wouldn't be here right now if you weren't ready for this. We're not telling you to go out there and get married to a new guy tomorrow. All right? We're telling you to start going through this rediscovery of yourself and start resetting yourself. Because I. I just think if you live in your sorrow where some people love to. God help us, a therapist would love to have you live in your sorrow for months and months on end. It'll keep you coming back. Like, it's time to reset a little bit. That's the cynical side of me. But it's like, don't live in your sorrow. Like, let's reset this and let's move forward in our life. Maybe that's because I'm. That's like the coach in me, where I'm always like, go, go, go, Future, future, future. Rather than just constantly looking at the past. I think that there's some time to do that. Take that reflection, but don't live in it. Don't bask in it. I think some people just love to bask. In it for like months, even years. It's crazy.

And like you said, we're not asking people to go out and get married or get engaged tomorrow. It's. We're just asking, like, go, go buy some new toothpaste. As long as it's not Thomas, that's all.

Is that the cynical side of me, Gary, that therapists just want you to live in, in their. Sorry, like people?

Yeah, that's pretty cynical.

Cynical.

I mean, I. Not a therapist myself, but, you know, I think every therapist wants what's best for their client.

Right.

And so it's like they want, they want them to do better things, take time. I don't know, I, I think it's, it, it goes both ways.

Incentives also matter, though. You know, the therapist is maybe for a different podcast at a different time. I think this could be an interesting. And I'm not. I just want everyone to know before I get like, hate speech online. I'm not against therapy in certain circumstances, but I do think that living in your sorrow and constantly looking backwards, constantly trying to find every single angle of every emotional challenge you've had in your life is not necessarily always healthy. That would be my blanket statement.

Yeah. At some point there's a, there's a level of acceptance and moving forward that's necessary. Like, you need forward motion. Right. Like you got to.

Exactly.

Which, speaking of which, brings us to the last one, which is, you know, which fits perfectly actually, is take the time that you need. And so this is here to remind you that this process, we want it to be quick, but it's probably not going to be as quick as you want. Which brings us to the second great metaphor, which is in this, we said, you know before, breakups are like a failed business. I also think breakup is like the experience of like, you fell in like a six foot hole, right? Where it's like you're, you fall in there, you're in deep, it's dirty, you don't want to be down there and you want to get out right away. And so the quickest possible way to get out of that hole would be to just jump. Right. But it's impossible. Like, you just can't do that. And if you keep trying to do that, you're in a dirt hole. Like, you're just, you're going to keep bringing dirt down on top of yourself and you're going to make things worse and worse. What you actually have to do is be intentional and take it step by step. Right. And so if you start digging and then building steps and dig some dirt and build some and like you can actually slowly, methodically work yourself out of this. And so I think that really is the perfect metaphor for breakup is like, as much as we want it to be over quick and we want to have quick solutions and easy solutions, it's like, it just takes some intentionality, it takes some time, it takes some discipline, it takes a lot of patience. And with a lot of things we talk about today in the podcast, you'll be able to get there.

I love the metaphor, except I think we should make it a seven foot hole because six feet makes it sound like it's death.

Perfect.

So you're in a seven foot hole. Because I don't. When I first read six foot, I'm like, so are you dead or.

No.

Just the wrong number.

I wanted to call it four foot. I'm like, nah, we might have some athletic listeners that might be able to just broad jump six, four feet out of a hole.

Yeah, eight foot hole. All right, so you're an eight foot hole. We got, yeah, eight foot. Perfect. I. I love this. And look, I think it's, you know, talking about breaks, breakups, I think is really challenging because when you're in it, it's so hard to heal. Hear this advice. Like, it's just there's such a disconnect from like where we are even emotionally talking about it, Gary and I, because we're not going through a breakup and where you might be, or if you're still kind of feeling the sorrow and the pain. But I just want to once again encourage you and help you take the more empowering road throughout all of this and realize that you do have total control of your life. You have total control of your emotional energy, and you have total control over the lens in which you see this breakup. And this breakup can either be the most debilitating time of your life if you choose it to be, or you can choose it to be the most empowering, exciting time for to create a rebirth. And it's really your choice. And hopefully you've gotten a lot out of this where you make the right choice and make go down the road where this is going to be that moment in life where everything changed for the positive and you're really ready to create that love life you truly deserve.

Love it.

Cool. All right, thanks, Gary. That was a fun one. Appreciate it.

Thanks, Adam.

All right, so now we're at the end of the podcast and hopefully you got a lot of really great information from this podcast. But as we know, information can only take you so far. It's time to take some action. So what I recommend you do now is head on over to loveapply.com it's going to walk you through a series of questions, and then you'll be able to book what we call a complimentary love strategy session. Yes, you've heard it. Someone on my team is going to get on a phone call with you, be able to. To understand your situation, what it is that you're struggling with in your love life, and create that strategy to help you attract that man, that relationship you truly deserve. So take that action. Go make it happen. We cannot wait to speak with you. Loveapply.com and yeah, let's help you create that love life you truly deserve. All right.

Speak soon.

Bye.

Bye.