He's Not as Great as You Think: Stop F.I.B.ing to Yourself

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You have to realize that you're tricking yourself into thinking. Thinking you know more than you actually know. Yeah. And it's the worst pedestal.

Don't put them on the pedestal. All right? It's the age old advice that you get from your friends. Why? Who is this guy? Like, if everyone else around you, like, you don't know anything about him. He's not that great. Like, chill out. It's time to chill out. Gary, I have an ax to grind with you because you made me look really stupid the other day.

Sorry.

I was on a. I was on a mastermind with some of our clients and someone was like, yeah, I. I know I need to stop fibing myself, but I'm not really sure if I am or I'm not. I'm like, what are you talking about? What are you. What is fib?

I love it.

And she's like, well, Dr. Gary said I was fibing myself. I'm like, okay, I am behind on this new nomenclature that we have. So I guess today is going to make me look less stupid because this is all about. He's not as crazy think. Stop fibing yourself. Right, Gary?

You can just pronounce it fibbing.

I know, I know I have fibbing, but I'm. I like the fibing a little bit better. But I was like, what is fib? What are you talking about? Clients? Yeah, I should know all this stuff.

This is like one of those things. Like, we do these mastermind sessions where we, like, answer questions. And so every time I get to do one, what I try, it's like the teacher me, I can't help it. Like, I just want to come up with, like, new information. And so I come up with things that are outside of our program, but they fit in with the general philosophy. But it's like, I. I also, I gotta tell you, like, I do, like, a good acronym and I love. One of the things I love about teaching is the challenge of taking complex information and Coming up with a way to make it simple to understand. And so as you're saying, like, you felt so dumb and like you didn't know what she was talking about. Like, I'm like, oh, my gosh, it worked. It's working. Like she was able to think of this experience and like she had a word for it and like she knew, like that. I don't know. It helps us see things, it helps us understand things. And so fibbing was something I came up with, which is filling in the blank. And so I think, like, what we're going to talk about today is like, there's three different ways that people fill in the blanks in relationships, and they're all really counterproductive to finding the high quality kind of relationship that you want. And so it's important to see these things as they happen.

Gary, I just want to give you some props because I know a lot of academics. I, you know, as I was building love strategies, and we are really an education coaching company, I talked to a lot, spoke with a lot of academics, I spoke with a lot of coaches, a lot of thought leaders. And I found that coaches are kind of full of. Because they don't really know what they're talking about. Like, they'll, they'll kind of make up things and they'll just like, oh, yeah, this is what worked for me. And then academics are on the other side where they're like, so scientific that they don't connect with people. And that's what I've always loved about you, Gary, is like, you, you understand the research, you understand, like the data, but you also know how to simplify it. And maybe that's combining our styles and, and that's what makes it very unique. So I love that about you.

That's great.

Thank you. Yeah, so let's jump into it, man. So how do we fib ourselves in these situations?

So fib, fib. I love how you keep saying, like, fib, like UPS truck.

Fill in the blanks.

A fill in the blank is when you don't know that much about a person, you don't know that much about a topic, and you basically fill in the blanks with a bunch of overly optimistic, positive information. It's a fancy way of wishful thinking. And I think there's three main ways that people do this. And the first is when you just start dating.

So when you just, yeah, you just.

Get to know somebody, like your chat, maybe met them online, you're, you're texting back and forth. What you can't Forget. And it's something you remind our clients of all the time, is like, this person is a stranger. And if it was online dating, stranger.

From the Internet, a stranger from the interwebs. I mean, I will have clients that will. I have heard. I hear this from everybody. But if it's a client, oh, my God, will I jump on this so quickly? I had a client the other day. She's like, I met my perfect guy. And she's talking about him. He's so amazing, and he's so funny. And he even has a picture of him with his daughter. I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa. A picture with him? Have you met him in real life? Not yet. But he is so great. He's such a good dad. Oh, because he has a picture with his daughter on an online dating site, he's a good dad. Actually, that strikes me as kind of a bad dad.

That's weird. Like, a little emotionally manipulative, huh?

Like, Garrett, would you have your daughter in an online dating site if you were suddenly single? Like, no. Oh, but he's such a good dad. Oh, now. Now I know we're. We're fibbing ourselves. I'm just going to say that you are fibbing yourself. You don't know anything about this guy. He is a stranger from the interwebs, yet he's perfect. Come on.

This is. This is. The thing is, like, you know, when we're meeting people for the first time, we know less about them now than we will ever know. Like, we can't know less. Right. And the problem is that lack of knowing kills us. It's like, we want to know so badly about who they are. We want to know how this all turns out. Like, the. The. One of the biggest relational questions there is is, like, where is this going? And so because we don't know, we start filling in the blanks with things, and we start relying on the piece of information that really don't tell us. I mean, the picture of the guy with his daughter is just such a perfect example. But it's like, you see people do it with, like, profile pictures. Well, his smile is just so genuine.

He has kind eyes.

Yeah.

Such kind eyes.

Kind eyes.

He's so sweet. Oh, he's so sweet.

He uses grammar and punctuation in his texts. Like, wow, is that a good sign or a bad sign? Like, I. I don't even know anymore. And it's like. And that's how you know it's fibbing when, like, two people can use the exact same sign and see it Completely differently. Right. And. And that's where it's like, you have to realize that you're tricking yourself into thinking you know more than you actually know.

Yeah.

And it's the worst thing on the pedestal.

Don't put them on the pedestal. All right? It's the age old advice that you get from your friends. Why? Who is this guy? Like, if everyone else around you, like, you don't know anything about him, he's not that great. Like, chill out. It's time to chill out. I've had people tell me that about that with women where I'm like, I am. This is it. She is. Oh my God, this woman is incredible. And like, dude, you're putting her on a pedestal. And usually there's another word that goes before pedestal.

Thank you for letting us maintain our PG13 rating.

Yes. If you're in the mail space. Yes. Usually men will say that, but I.

Think, you know, it creates this version of like false perfection. And it's really easy to buy into it when you're the one doing it because there's, you don't have information, so there's nothing to go against you. And so it's like, he is a great dad. Well, you don't have any other information to show that that's not true. So you can just keep believing it. And it just, it kind of can keep snowballing and getting more and more out of control. Right. The problem is, you know, we, I mentioned this later, but it's like this, these ideas are sticky because once you start believing it, you want to maintain your beliefs. And so once you start filling in all the blanks with all this great stuff, even when you start learning, like, wow, they're not as great as I thought. It's like, no, no, no, I was right. I was right. I was right in the first place with what I thought.

Right.

That's a problem too. I do think it's important though, like we say that, you know, filling in the blanks with false perfection and putting people up on pedestals. But it does go the other way too, Right. Particularly if you have a little bit of an avoidant attachment style where you have that worry about getting hurt or someone leaving you, and you tend to put up walls. You can fill in the blanks with information that's like overthinking and worrying. Like, you conjure up fake problems, like, you know, certain things are going to turn out certain ways, even though you have no basis to know that. You know, he's definitely the kind of guy that cheats on me because he has a mustache.

Like, well, what? Yeah, I haven't heard from him in two days and he went away on a work trip over the weekend. He must be up to no good, right? Why didn't he say he was on a work trip and he wouldn't be in touch? Yeah, quit fibbing yourself. Stop filling the blanks. It's okay. It's okay to just be like, I don't know him yet. Like, I think that that's, that's obviously the theme of this is, like, that's, that's why I. With clients, I will always, especially in the theme of this part of the podcast is like, at first, when you're dating someone, by using the language that he is still a stranger, it kind of just like shakes you up again to. To remind yourself he is actually a stranger. You don't know much about him. Or even just saying, like, you know, we'll just see what happens. We'll see. We'll get to know each other and see where this goes. I'm not sure, but if you're using the language of telling your friends or yourself that he's perfect now, you're going to do everything you can to fill in the blanks. So just be what we always like to say, cautiously optimistic. Be optimistic. Yeah, sure. I'm sure he's a nice dad and all that stuff, but I don't know yet. Gotta see. Gotta meet him first in real life, you know, go from there. Are you tired of committing your heart to a man who only just pulls away? Well, if so, we have a very special presentation that's available to our podcast listeners. Listeners. It's at a special link. It's called He Commits dot com. And it's going to walk you through the five secret strategies that make men commit. Head on over to he commits.com. it's only available for a short period of time. I think you're going to like it a lot. All right, back to the podcast.

Realistically optimistic, right? Is it just be realistic. You just. No one else that you've met and spend this little amount of time with would you think these things about. Yeah, right. Like, if you just met some other coworker, like, you're not going to be like, oh, my gosh, they're the world's most amazing. Like, you're like, no, no, no. Let's wait and see. Let's wait to see if. If Tina knows how to make a photocopy right before we start deciding, like, she's our world's best Coworker. Like, there's just, it's a weird thing with relationships to be. People just like throw all sorts of like objective thought processes out the window and just start throwing caution of the wind. Like, they're amazing. I know it. And it's like you can't, you can't know it.

Maybe it's not realistically optimistic or pessimistic. It's depending on your attachment style. If you're avoidant, be realistically optimistic. And if you are anxious, be realistically pessimistic. Go against the grain. Like, if you're always too optimistic, maybe it's time to start being more skeptical. That's okay. Like, do the. Basically, what is in like Seinfeld with like George, when there's like an episode, it's like, George, if you want to find love, just do the opposite of everything you've ever done done before and you'll find love. If you've ever heard that, you ever seen that episode, it's like, just do the opposite of what you've kind of done previously and, and that can kind of get you there.

It's like being smart enough to like balance yourself out, like know your tendencies and just work to, you know, kind of thwart your own tendencies. Right, It's. That's smart.

Yeah, absolutely.

So, you know, we, we do this filling in the blank when we're just meeting someone for the first time. We also fill in the blanks with something I call false or blank comparisons. And so this is the person you're comparing your current partner to. So this could be just somebody you're dating and things are going well, but then you're like, but someone would be better. This other person that doesn't exist, by the way. Like, you're just kind of creating this possible better partner or relationship to compare your present relationship to. And so that is fundamentally unfair because it's not tied to reality. And so you're filling in that blank. And again, it's overly optimistic, it's overly perfect. Like, there's nothing more perfect than the relationship you're not actually in because you get to conjure it up in every way. That's exactly right. Which again isn't reality.

Until we have artificial intelligence driven robots, men who will live with you and fulfill all of your desires the way that you want. They'll be sensitive, but also masculine. Until then, we have that guy who knows everything about your needs. Then I'm here to tell you that that idea of the perfect guy in your head, it don't exist. It's not there yet. So stop fibbing yourself now in 50 years, when we have that artificial intelligence robot, right? And then humanity kind of just disappears because no one procreates anymore. Then we got different problems.

So what I think this is. This is a slight tangent, but I think this is what happens with people with cheating. Yeah, right. And it's like, I imagine this relationship I'm gonna have with this other person is going to be so completely different and better and ideal compared to what I currently have. And it's like, that's all easy to plan on before you actually have that relationship. And you realize, like, that person, like, they snore too. Like, they are also, like, they watch things on TV you don't want to watch. And, like, there's all kinds of things you. You just don't know. And because you don't know, you're not assuming the worst, you're assuming the best. And so that just creates this ideal world that you're heading towards in a cheating situation. It's like that world doesn't actually exist. And you're only going to figure that out once you get there. And that's what happens. Like, people break up, cheat, whatever. And then, you know, they. I always say they give it two months because they're going to realize that grass wasn't greener on the other side. It was painted asphalt. It's not what they thought it was. And they're going to be coming back realizing, like, that was a mistake.

Well, I think also with cheating, like, we all know that the first three months of a new relationship is the most romantic. It's the most exciting in many ways. You know, you have a lot of love chemicals flowing through your body, but if you can realize logically that that is always fleeting. It's always fleeting. All the research shows this. All life experience shows this. It's always fleeting. Then suddenly you can look at that situation, not fill in the blanks and be like, oh, no, that person is just going to snore and fart just like my current partner. And they are going to have massive imperfections that I don't know about because every human being is deeply flawed. And then suddenly you can actually bring some logic to the situation. I think where people really struggle is where they just are chasing that dragon. It's like a drug. It's a drug that is. It really is. They call chasing the. I think they call it chasing the dragon when it comes to heroin, because you're chasing something that will never actually last. And in fact, the more that you Chase it. AKA more you do the drugs, the less, the less it lasts. So, yeah, total, total tangent here, but I think it's worth mentioning. And now I'm talking about heroin. And what is up with me today? I don't know, man.

You went from snoring and farting to heroin, so that was quite a leap. Just. Just glad to be part of the ride. I like it. The atom, the Adam experience. I'm enjoying it. So sometimes, you know, it's. It's. We fib to ourselves when we don't know the person. We fib to ourselves when we're kind of comparing to this other relationship that doesn't exist. And the third one is like, when our partner themselves actually bait us into filling in the blank in a way that's helpful to them. And I think this is. This is one, actually, when I started thinking about this, this idea for the podcast we're talking about fibbing, this is actually the one that got me on this. This whole line of thinking was because I just had, like, this a week where clients were like, we have having conversations with their partners. And it's like, you could see how the guys in these situations are being just vague enough, not sharing enough, just to let her kind of fill in the blanks with the situation she wanted the relationship to be without him having to tell her that, like, this isn't actually the relationship we're in.

Like, as in giving that giving. Trying to get the girlfriend experience without commitment or, like, in what sense?

Yeah, I think that's. That's probably the. The common denominator there is they wanted to get the girlfriend experience without actually being committed. And so what the guys are doing is they're just not giving any concrete info. Like, when they're being asked questions, they're just kind of like, loosey goosey about the answers. They're not really saying anything. Definitely definitive. Because what I think is going on with guys is, like, most guys are not terrible, horrible people. So they don't want to flat out lie to you and tell you something that's obviously not true. Right. I just don't think there's many of those. I mean, those guys, don't get me wrong, those guys exist, but I think they're like one in ten. One in 100.

Those women exist. People exist like that. Yeah.

What I think is much more likely is, like, guys know what they want and they suspect they know what you want, and they are able to just kind of word things in just enough of a way where they can kind of split the difference. And instead of like kind of making an era of commission where they're saying something that's not true, it's basically just an era of omission where they're not giving the full truth. And so here's. I know that all sound, that's all very vague, right? But so here's a concrete example. This is from, from a client. She said, you know, she wanted to know kind of basically where this was going, what was going on in the relationship. So she's like, I did the right thing. I asked and I said, you know, I asked him, what are you looking for? She had shared what she wanted, which was a long term, committed, fulfilling relationship, a real relationship. And after she asked him, what are you looking for? He says, I'm looking for the right person. That sounds pretty good, right? And then so she basically fibs to herself by saying, well, he didn't say he doesn't want a long term relationship, so he probably does or will very soon in the future. So she's basically asking him like, do you want a long term relationship? But she asked it in just the what are you looking for? Kind of way. He said, I'm looking for the right person. So that's not him saying, to be clear, like, and this is like a little tough love thing. But it's like when he answers it that way, he's not saying he wants a long term relationship. He's saying he's looking for the right person. What he's also saying is he hasn't found that person yet.

Right. And that's the bigger one is like it's so obvious that he's not interested in a relationship with her. Right, Right.

It is to us.

I mean, if I ever ask someone, what are you looking for? That I'm dating, I'm assuming it was early on. They're not, they're not in like little of six. It's not obviously not exclus. If you just ask someone casually that you've gone out with on a couple dates and she and the woman's like, yeah, I'm just looking for the right person.

Right. Very suspicious. That's where it's weird way of wording it. Yeah, it's like a savvy thing for a guy to do though, because he doesn't have to. He's not telling you, like, I don't want to be in a long term relationship or I don't want to be a relationship with you. He's just saying with something, which is true, which is I want to find the right person.

Right.

I'm hoping I. I'm hoping I'll find the right person. It's like. It's just kind of like giving you enough of an opening a blank for you to fill in, to say to yourself, pick me. Pick me. I'm the right one. I'll be the one that changes this for you. I will be the right person you're looking for. And so he's giving you enough space to do all that mental and emotional work to try to live up to this thing that he's really not interested in in the first place. Right?

Yeah. I mean, and people will. I love this idea of fibbing because I just can imagine so many scenarios like that where you just try to read in and analyze a guy. It's like he's kind of telling you straight up where you stand, you know?

And.

And look, I just want to be clear on this particular piece. Like, if a guy says, I'm looking for the right person, and it's a first date, that's very different than if it's the 10th date. Okay. Like, if I think it would be totally appropriate for a guy, if you're like, first off, I wouldn't be asking someone, what are you looking for on a first date? Because I think it's a little forward. It's not. It falls outside of our framework with a little love steps. But let's. Let's say you're moving forward. It's been five dates. And he says, yeah, I'm just looking for the right person. Now we're getting into, like, that's weird. So, yeah.

Oh, I have another example. And this, it was so weird because, like, this happened all within the same couple of days. And someone else, totally separate situation, but similar in the sense that, you know, they're about four or five dates in. It's been like a month or two. Ish. And so same kind of thing. Like, she wanted to know kind of where this was going. And so she's like, I asked very clearly, are you interested in being exclusive and committed to. To someone at some point in the future? And his response was, I'm not seeing anyone else right now. So just enough space. She filled that blank in with, he is interested in being exclusive and committed, because I asked him if he wanted to be exclusive and committed, if that's what he aspired to. And he. He said he wasn't seeing anybody else. And so it's like the tough love is like, those are not the same thing. Like, he's not saying he wants, like, he's just saying currently he's only seeing one person. That's not like that's what he's doing currently. That's not necessarily him saying what he wants to be doing. He probably wants to be seeing lots of different people and doing lots of different things. And so it's like what you just said, it's like there's this fibbing idea is just reading way too much into things and specifically in a way that's fulfilling these wishful desires of like, you want this to work out so bad that you're, you're seeing it in a very biased way, which obviously problematic.

And I, I really do think that that's why the little love steps have been so effective for literally tens of thousands of women of all ages getting in exclusive committed relationships that lead to marriage, children, beyond lifelong partners, is because we very much so differentiate between little love step number five, which is you're still single, and little love step number six, where it's exclusive, and this gray area BS where, well, I'm not seeing anyone. We'll sometimes have clients come to us and say, well, I'm in kind of like little love step 5.5, where it's like, we're not seeing other people, but we're not yet exclusive and we very much so coach. Just as Gary explained that this is, this is binary. It's either a yes or a no. And if he's saying this whole, like, I'm just seeing other people, well, I'm not, I don't want to see other people. Well, that's not enough. That actually means no. We're still in little of step five, which means you're still single. Continue exploring other situations until you find a guy who is begging to be with you. And when you follow our strategies, that's exactly what happens. So I just, you know, I want to make that really clear. When you fib yourself, you're actually holding yourself back from creating the reality that you really want.

Yeah. And I, and I think, you know, the, the one way to stop yourself from doing this, particularly in this situation where it's like, do you want a long term committed relationship? Like, where are we that love step 5.5 ideas? Like, how do you feel when you know for sure you want to be in a long term committed relationship with somebody? You don't say like these, I'm not seeing anyone else. I'm looking for the right person. Like, you're not like, in this like weird double talk salesperson kind of way. It's like, no, this is it like you. It's a. You know, they talk about, like a full body. Yes. Like, that's how you feel. And so if he's not giving you the responses that are full body. Yes. Like, what he's doing is again, leaving enough, just enough space for you to fill it in however you want to kind of keep this situationship going, and that's not what you want.

Yeah, yeah. It's either a heck yes or it's a no.

Yeah, for sure.

For sure. So I love this idea. I think people fib themselves in all areas of their lives. I'm going to really use this mental model for, I think, my next meeting today.

This is a good one.

I like this, Gary. This is great. So good stuff. I appreciate everything. And if you are fibbing yourself right now and you want some help in your love life, head on over to Love Strategies. That's what we do around here is I think having a strategy and a rational approach to anything in life is what allows us to cut through the bs, the stories that we constantly tell ourselves in life. And so, yeah, we're here for you anytime. Thanks, Gary. That's fun.

Thanks, Adam. I'm just glad I got to say right here at the end, 24 minutes in, that we finally got you to say fibbing and not fibing. So that's. Here's a lot of growth. I appreciate it.

Well, if you keep in the notes, keep putting in them all in caps, then I gotta do fibing. All right, this is your fault. It's not on me. I do not take ownership of this. So thanks, Gary. Thanks, everyone. See you, buddy. All right, so now we're at the end of the podcast, and hopefully you got a lot of really great information from the this podcast. But as we know, information can only take you so far. It's time to take some action. So what I recommend you do now is head on over to loveapply.com it's going to walk you through a series of questions, and then you'll be able to book what we call a complimentary love strategy session. Yes, you've heard it. Someone on my team is going to get on a phone call with you, be able to understand your situation, what it is that you're struggling with in your love life, and create that strategy to help you attract that man, that relationship you truly deserve. So take that action. Go make it happen. We cannot wait to speak with you, Love apply dot com. And yeah, let's help you create that love life you truly deserve. All right, speak soon.

Bye. Bye.