He's Pulling Away Because of "Bad Logistics"?

Okay, real quick, before we get started, you know, one thing you all know is we don't run any ads on this podcast. So all we ask in return is if you are enjoying the podcast and you want to spread a little love, please leave a review wherever you're listening to this podcast. It really helps us out a lot and for all we know, it helps someone create the love life they truly deserve. So let's jump into it. All right, Gary, Today's podcast is a fun one. This is very special, is a brand new style of kind of Q A getting all of your questions and we're answering them on this session. So today we're going to be talking about does a man pull away due to just bad logistics? We're also going to be talking about a weird bump, right, Gary? In a.

Yes, we. We break out the flashlight and the monocle and we just really are diving into bumps and where they're at and just how much support does a partner need?

Yeah, bumps on body parts, so you're not going to want to miss that one. We'll also be talking about what is the right swipe, right swipe, left ratio when it comes to online dating as well as just social media in general, where I kind of go a little bit crazy on a rant. But I think you're going to enjoy it, so jump into it. If you enjoy this, let us know. Don't forget to leave a review because we'd love to hear from you. And let's jump in the podcast. Do men pull away just because of bad logistics? We're going to answer this question from Angela in Michigan.

Hi, I'm Angela. I've been single for two and a half years. I started on the dating apps six weeks ago. I've been out on 14 first dates and a handful of second dates. All of them have been duds except for one. Over the course of five days, we met on the app, we moved to text, had an amazing first phone call, went out to lunch on a Monday and and texted the rest of that day. Very fun, very flirtatious. Tuesday, I didn't hear from him. Tuesday evening I sent him a Happy Halloween text and he did reply back to that. Didn't hear from him on Wednesday. On Thursday, this is the text that he sent me. Keep in mind, we live about an hour and 10 minutes apart. I haven't forgotten about you. I was just taking some time to consider the logistics of if we did decide to date with serious future intentions. I haven't figured out how we would get around the fact that we both have young kids and our lives are pretty much stuck in the area we currently live. I know you have huge family support down there. I have the same. Just things I'm considering before we run off and fall in love. Lol. We've texted a couple times since then. We've had one phone conversation. I feel like he's forfeiting the game before we even took the field. I know logistics are important, but not as important as connection at the beginning of the relationship. What are your thoughts and is there anything I can do or say to maybe encourage him to ask me out on a second date?

Well, Angela, I feel like the first thing to keep in mind is it's been one lunch date. Like you've been on one lunch date with this guy and we're talking about already before falling in love with one another, before this is going to turn into something big. You only live an hour away. I mean, like, come on. I think that this guy is not that into it. Into you. I hate to say it. I mean, this is like tough love here. He's not that into you. Gary, what do you think?

It must have been a hell of a lunch. That's all I got to say. I always think of the same thing. Like, that must have been what a lunch. That wasn't an apple. Like, I mean that was just. That must have been a hell of a lunch. And I get it. Like, I get where Angela's coming from. She had, she listed them. She had 14 dates. Most of them were bad. She found one. And so this one seems to be a lot more special than it is because you had a bunch of bad ones. I get it. But at the same time, this is a process. You're going to have some bad dates and, and just because you've had some bad ones, don't give that one that was good more credit than it actually deserves because she's really all in on this idea that this was so amazing at first. And she says that connection is more important than logistics. And Angela, it's important. But that early connection with somebody isn't as special as you think. That's easy to have a connection over one lunch.

Right, right. And, and the, the thing is, like the logistics are not so bad that we're talking he lives six hours away or, or 12 hour flight. I mean, we've heard it all, Gary, over the years where there's massive mountains to be moved to make things happen. We're only talking about an hour away and it's only been one date. And what I'm hearing is that after that date, he didn't really follow through on any type of pursuit towards you. You got into chaser mode. And he's like, nah, I'm not really sure. There's kind of this hour in the middle of us, and, you know, I'm not really sure. And so I think that there's a flaw in your question. And the question is, how do I get him to ask me out on a second date? And I think that that's just the wrong question to be asking. The real question to be asking ourselves is, why did I get so attached to this random stranger that I've only gone on one date with? Lean into the little love steps. I mean, this is the power of having a process, having a framework, and lean into the process of continuing to go on dates. If you're going on 14 dates and only one guy is even remotely good, then we need to change our strategy on where it is that we're meeting these guys, because that's not a very good hit rate. And. And let's find a guy who, even if he lives an hour away, which I wouldn't recommend, but let's say he does live an hour away. He is willing to move mountains to be with you, right? That's the strategy here. And it's not to. How do I get this guy who's like, man, he's pulling away. How do I get him to like me? No, that's not what we do around here. You're the prize, not this guy. What do you think, Gary?

Yeah, that whole thing is like, you know, is there anything I can do or say to get him to ask me out? It's like, that's just sounds a little desperate. Like, it just sounds like a little needy. And it sounds like you're trying to, you know, she said about forfeiting the game. It's like you're trying to win a trophy here that you don't know if it's even worth winning because you don't know this guy. Like, you don't know this much about him. Like, you're getting so focused on this one guy. And because it's so early, what you're allowing yourself to do is fill in the blanks, right? You're filling in the blanks with a bunch of information. You're painting this picture of what this relationship could be.

And.

And you have to realize none of that is actually tethered to reality at this point. And it's really easy to conjure up this perfect relationship. This Situation where everything works out. He's amazing, your life is magical and all that great stuff when you just don't know that much about each other.

Yeah. And for him to say all of these words like, you know, before we fall in love, or I believe he said something like that right before we fall for each other.

Yeah. Lol.

It sounds, yeah, it sounds manipulative as well coming from this man who you've just met. And it sounds like a guy who is very lukewarm. He's not really sure if it's worth his time. He's not sure if he wants to make it happen. And you know what? I would be saying that magical four letter word which is next? Unless that guy is willing to once again make that investment, which isn't that bad. It's an hour and come see you. So I think big picture here is stick with the process, lean into the little love steps, focus on getting out there and increasing the quality of men that you're dating. I think that's the real challenge here, is we feel desperate because we're going on so many dates with low quality guys. So we need a strategy there to meet the right types of guys so that you feel empowered throughout this process. And then if this guy comes around, he fights for you, you know, maybe we'll have him. But if not, I would be moving on.

Two, two thoughts. One, one reasonable, one a little crazy, but I'll start with the reasonable one first. So she said she had 14 first dates and this is the only one that worked out. I would actually kind of go back to those other first dates and wonder why some of those didn't work out. Because like you said, that's not a very high hit rate. And so I'm wondering how out of these 15 people, you ended up picking this one guy and let all the other ones go. Like, are you missing things in those other guys? What qualities are you optimizing for? What are you actually looking for? And are you prioritizing the right things? So I think that's a really important strategic way of kind of reevaluating some of your past experiences for, for a future benefit. Okay, now, crazy thought. There's everything about this question, and I don't know why I think this, but there's something about this question and about the things that this guy says and about the whole setup and the magical lunch and then all of a sudden nothing. I don't know. This guy sounds married to me. He sounds married. He sounds like he's got like these married guys, like you're an hour away. Like, why an hour away? Well, because you're not going to know anybody in my hometown. And it's like we have a lunch and it's like, it was good, but it wasn't great from his perspective. And so now he's just, he's immediately like bailing. You know, he, like, he pulled the ripcord on the parachute and he's out of there. And it's like, why, why would a guy do that? And it's like from sitting, from a guy perspective, I'm like, I don't know, he sounds a little married.

I feel you. I feel you. I mean, the logistics didn't change after you met. He knew that you were an hour away. So maybe, just maybe going like tinfoil hat here. Maybe he went on this date with you. He didn't get any kind of short term needs met sexually. And then afterwards he's like, I don't know. I'm not really sure if this is going to be the right type of girl because she doesn't seem like the casual type. She seems like more of like the girl I'd have to like, really put an effort for. Yeah, work on. I don't feel like doing that and move on. So all signs to me lead to, nah, move on next. Unless this guy fights for you. All right, so I want to take a quick pause in the podcast to thank all of you for your incredible questions so far. I know it takes a lot of vulnerability to share that with us, and we would love to answer any of your questions on a future segment. So please, please go to luxuryloveline.com and you can submit your question and we'll answer as many as humanly possible on our upcoming segments. Again, that's luxuryloveline.com submit your question and let's get to the rest of the pod. So how many times do you have to swipe right in order to find love? We're going to answer that question from Jean from Oregon.

Hi, this is Jean, and I love Adam's program and I just pressed the restart on my dating life and I am wondering how many more first dates am I going to have to go on?

And.

What is a healthy, you know, swipe left to right ratio? You know, it seems like 1500 to 1. Maybe I shouldn't even count, but gosh, I know you, you told us, you know, work on one hour a week or something and fitting this dating rhythm into your life, but just could use a few more tips or reminders on when you're starting all over again. You know what, what does normal look like, Gene?

For starters, I just want to say you are amazing. You're getting out there. I can hear that you feel a little bit deflated throughout this process. So I want to encourage you to keep with the process. Let's get you out there meeting the right types of guys. Now, to answer your question as to what's normal, Most studies show 7 per women swipe right 7% of the time, whereas men tend to swipe right for 40% of the time. So us guys, we're just right, Gary. We're just swiping right.

Shotgun method.

Shotgun method. Just see what sticks, baby. Whereas women tend to be a lot choosier with online dating. And I get it, right? You don't want to match with a guy who's then going to send you weird pictures and then hit you up a million times, and you get completely creeped out. I understand that, but we need to look at online dating for what it is. Online dating is simply a tool to meet people in the offline world. So it requires us to keep a relatively open mind when it comes to who it is that we are kind of bringing into our orbit and exploring to meet in the real world. Because if we legitimately are at a 1500 to 1 ratio, God help us, it ain't happening. What do you think, Gary?

Yeah, you know, it's like you can kind of hear it in her voice, like 1500 to 1, like, as if it feels like that sometimes, right? It's like this exasperated 15. And then she says, well, maybe I shouldn't count at all. I'm kind of on that side of things. Like, you know, the. The counting of it is what's making it seem a little bit more difficult. I think when things are easy to count and they're easy to measure, we start to give them increased importance. Because I, you know, her question is, like, what's. What's the exact number? Like, like, like. And she sounds like she wants us to say, like, part of me wants to be like, 63. 63 is the number. Because once you have a number, then all of a sudden that seems manageable, right?

And it's 63%, you're saying.

I'm just saying, like, I can number, like, oh, 63. Because I think, like, people want that. And I know there's so many, like, dating coaches and people out there that will give you, like, a. Specifically, you have to do this 19 times, right? And it's like, once you do it 19 times, like some Something magical happens, and that's just not how it works. So the first thing I would just say to Gene is try to reframe this a little bit. Instead of thinking of all those times you're swiping and it's not working out as a bad thing, those are actually good things because you're actually swipe, you're not making those connections and you're not making connections with people who are going to be incompatible. And you're figuring that out now versus waiting three months or three years to figure that out. And so all those times that it's not making a connection. Too often I think people that are online dating or dating in general see those as rejection and see those as a failure of the process, but it's actually avoiding bad, incompatible relationships. That's a win every single time, right?

Yeah. And I think just my thoughts on all of this, when it comes to options in general and how picky are we gonna be? That's basically what I'm hearing is like, how picky should I be at this stage? My saying is always, you can be as picky as you are social. So look, Gene, you know, you're in love accelerator. We love having you. You are now in the little love steps. You're following a specific process to get out there. Online dating is one tool in your toolkit and you should definitely use it and follow our strategy, follow all the strategies we provide that there, as well as get the online dating profile reviews from our coaches if you haven't gotten that, and really lean into this process while at the same token, we got to get you out there meeting other guys elsewhere as well. And you know, look, if you're going on a date a week or a date every other week and you're getting out there regularly, you can be pickier when it comes to online dating. But if we're just sitting at home watching Netflix, eating delicious Ben and Jerry's, which I love even though I'm lactose intolerant, they have some good lactose free stuff now, which is great. But if you're sitting at home eating Ben and Jerry's, watching Netflix and just swiping left, that ain't helping anyone. And if it's a 1500 to 1 ratio, that is madness. Madness. So you can only be as picky as you are social. So if that is the only strategy we can focus on right now, let's just say you're only online dating. Open it up a little bit. Go meet some of these guys in real life, see what they are Actually, like, because the profile that you see is going to be very different from the man you meet in real life. So we got to just open that up. And by the way, if you start opening it up and then it becomes too overwhelming and you have too many options, tighten it up again. So the ratio really depends. That's why there is no number, which is what Gary was saying earlier. There is no number because it just depends on kind of where you are in the process and how many options you got.

Yeah. And I think, you know, Adam's advice here about, you know, you can only be as picky as you are social is fantastic because it's absolutely true. I also think it depends on just how social you want to be because, you know, there's really a never ending supply of potential mates out there. And you know, that's never been more true than it is now with online dating. You see them all on your phone. And so really the question here is about pickiness and it's also knowing like, when is enough? When's enough enough? And there's actually, you know, if you want like some sort of specific number, you want to like a little specific strategy here. There's something known as the optimal stopping principle. And this is something used for math and computer science. And they basically say 37%. So once you hit 37% of the total of things that are out there and you familiarized yourself with 37% of the options, whatever those options are. And this could be with finding a new house, it could be finding the best restaurant in your hometown. Like once you've kind of tested out, 37% is actually for the math nerds, it's actually 36.8% but.

Oh, wow, you're really dorking out here.

Right, right, right. It's like that specific. But it's like once you've kind of seen 37%, you then find the best next thing. After You've covered the 37, the next best thing that pops up the. That's the one. And so now you can stop because you're. You feel as though you've seen what's. What has been available to be seen.

So how does 37. How many dates do you have to go on to hit 37%? How does that work?

Like, well. And that's where it's like.

Now we're back to the question, right?

It depends on how social you want to be. It's like 37%. It's like of all the people you plan on dating and your dating life, right? And so the total group of your lifetime suitors, however many that was like, how many people in your lifetime do you reasonably think you're going to interact with? And if it's, let's, you know, to make the numbers easy, if it's a hundred, after you've dated and interacted solidly with 37 of them, now the next person, the next person you're dating, that's better than those 37. That's the one. And so got it. Here's the thing I just said I was joking before about, you know, there's a magical number 63 or 19, and now I'm giving you a magical number of 37. I think this is like one of those things that like, and other dating people use this all the time and talk about this all the time. I do think there's some value to it. The value is not in the 37% because exactly to your question is like, well, how the hell do you know when It's. You're at 37? And it's like, I don't know. There's actually no way to know. So it's like this false specificity and like so many strategic plans and things like just fail at this because it seems smart to be this specific. Here's the simplified version. Date long enough until you feel like you have a sense of what's out there. And that's, that's a psychological thing. It's like that might be five people for you, it might be 15, it might be 25. But like once you feel like, yep, I get it, I see what's out there, then you pick the next best of the bunch. And that would be the best way to figure out when to stop.

And I think a healthy amount for dating, just to be pretty specific, since we're getting into numbers, just my experience, having been doing this for over a decade now, to give it three to six months of consistently going out on about date a week about right. And if after two, three months you've gone out with, say or met anywhere from five to 15 guys, and that could be even just meeting out at a, at a party, even going to singles event. You can meet five guys at a singles event. Once you get a feel for that, then you, if you're not happy with any of your options, you gotta drastically change your strategy or you gotta make a choice and then lean in and actually start investing in a relationship that you think meets the 37% threshold. So I, I love that. I think it's good in practice. It's totally Impractical. No one actually will date that way. But hypothetically and theoretically, I, or theoretically I really like it. I think it's good.

Yeah.

Because, I mean, this is a fundamental question of that has been around literally since our ancestors were roaming the plains. It's like, when do we stop and set up camp? Couldn't there be a better spot somewhere over that mountain or around that, you know, forest? I mean, when do we actually stop? And it's like they're not calculating 37%. No one actually does that. But what you really boils down to is like, do you feel like you have a sense of what's out there? And once you have a sense of what's out there, you have to stop at some point. And so once you know what's out there, you go with the next best, the next best thing that comes up. And now you feel confident, like, okay, I'm making sure because no one wants to settle. And that's what a lot of this is about. And so pick smartly, pick strategically, but still follow your heart along the way.

Okay, so if you enjoying this podcast so far, you are going to absolutely love our free virtual coaching session that we offer only our podcast subscribers. You go to lovestrategies.com you can walk through that exact process on how to get out there and attract that love your you truly deserve. Go ahead and head over to lovestrategies.com and we're going to help you attract that man you truly deserve. So today's question kind of grossed me out a little bit, to be honest. But I think you're going to get a lot from it because we're going to be talking about how to stay in that feminine energy without mothering guy when you're in a relationship. Here's the question.

I'm asking this for a friend. It's truly a friend. I'm asking for her fairly new exclusive relationship with her boyfriend. Said through a text message, this is likely going to test our relationship, but I've got a gnarly bump in a hard to reach, sensitive location. Can you help? And she didn't know how to respond to it and I didn't know how to help her. And we were both just grossed out by the whole thing, but just didn't know how to respond. So anything that we came up with to respond just seemed to be not appropriate. And how would you respond to something like this? Which leads me to my next question. When a high value masculine man is sick, our instinct is to jump in and care for them. But I suspect this is mothering and maybe demasculinizing. I don't know. How do we do? We just ask, is there anything we can do? And then just let it go. When they say, no, I'm fine. Just let it go. So one question for me and one question for a friend. Thanks.

Well, Alex, anytime we answer questions for friends, we kind of know what this really is.

Of course.

A friend. It's okay. Hey, let's. Let's start with the bump one, and then we can go into the more important question, I think, which is about feminine energy. But if a guy's got a bump in a hard to reach place, the dude needs a doctor, not a wife, to. To figure that out. So send him to a doctor. Ask him, do you have health insurance? I do. Great. You have a doctor. Yes, I do. Go talk to your doctor, idiot. How about that? That would be my response. What do you think, Gary?

Yeah, it's funny because it's like they're like thinking, like how you're doing the thing you feel like you should be doing. Right. You've been coach up your whole life in relationship. Your job is to be supportive. You're supposed to be. Be there for your partner. And what I always say to that, you're supposed to be there, but you're not supposed to be everywhere. And where they're describing that bump, that's not a place you want to be. And it's like, this is a new relationship. Like, you don't ask your partner to clean your teeth. You go to a dentist.

Yeah. And he's not even your partner yet. I mean, I know you use partner, you know, within relationships. You're in a new relationship. Look, if I had a weird bump in a hard reach place, sure. When I go to my wife Jessica, who I've been with for nine years, I'd probably be like, hey, Jess, check this out. But you know.

No, no, no. Still don't know. You should not do that to your partner. Do not do that to your lovely wife.

Hey, no, check this out.

No, don't. Don't do it, dude. Sometimes, and I'm serious, like, sometimes you got to show respect for your partner by not asking them to do the thing they might say yes to doing. But don't, don't even put them in that position because it's going to end up with you, like, bottoms up on the bed with a, with a mirror and flashlight, maybe a headlamp, like, it's going to be a m. Like, no, don't do that to your Partner.

Absolutely.

All right, all right. I promise you I'm coming to you next time. You're the doctor. You're my doctor.

Hell, no. You also. This is not maybe related at all, but, like, when you go to the bathroom, close the door. That's another thing. Like, it's the same. Same principle. We don't need to be closeness. There are limits. This is some bad bumps. You go somewhere else for that.

Yeah. Set some boundaries here. Just tell him to go see a doctor. And, you know, if. If it really is actually on his genitals. In seriousness, if it's on his genitalia, make sure you follow up about what said doctor said, what the doctor said about his little bump over there, because I don't know about that. Now let's get to the more I think important part of all this is a more important question that I think would be helpful for everyone, which is what I heard is how do you stay in your feminine and be nurturing without getting into mothering mode and. And squashing his masculinity? My initial thoughts is that nurturing. Being nurturing and caring and supportive when someone is sick. Bump aside, we're not talking about bump. We're talking about just when a man is sick or a person is sick, stepping into that nurturing and caring and supportive energy. That is feminine energy at its best. And a man does desire that, like a. And so would a woman, like, in when situations are cross. And so I wouldn't be too concerned about that when someone is ill. I think mothering comes in when you try and be overly nurturing when someone is not ill and they don't need it. When you're kind of stepping over boundaries. What do you think, G. Yeah, I don't know.

I. I kind of heard her question. I think she wants to nurture, and I think she's worried about emasculating him and maybe him saying, oh, no, no, no, I don't. I don't want help. Because I think from the guy's perspective, we're supposed to be tough. We're not supposed to be needy. We're not supposed to do anything other than protect women.

Women.

Like, that's how we've been raised. That's how we've been socialized. And so I think she appropriately wants to nurture, but is worried that, like, that he might have, like, backlash because of her nurturing side. And I think in these kind of situations, and she's talking about, like, a physical thing, like when somebody's sick. But I think all this applies when A guy's emotionally vulnerable, too. It's that you want to make it super clear to your guy that you find the fact that he needs your help and you get to help him. You find that really attractive, that you find it appealing, that you find this an amazing part of your relationship that builds connection. And if you really want to hook them, tell him you find it a little sexy, because that is going to, like, oh, oh, you help me. Like, okay, like, because he is worried about you seeing him as weak and needy, so he's going to pretend like he doesn't need any help. He does. He does. Because remember, for guys, their female partner is the person they're likely closest to. It's likely their best friend. It's the person they go to. And so he does need you. He's going to pretend like he doesn't. But so you got to kind of, like open up the door and make it super clear that this is something you want, you welcome, you enjoy, and then it's going to bring you closer together.

Yeah, I totally agree with that. I think when a man is married or in a relationship with a woman, that is the person that is going to be the most nurturing human being to him of all people in his life. I mean, at this stage, you know, assuming he doesn't have a weird complex with his mother, honestly. But other than that, assuming he has a normal, healthy relationship with his actual mother, chances are he, you're the one that he can actually be most vulnerable with. And so if you do create that kind of safe space for him where you're like, you know, it is kind of sexy when I can actually kind of give and help you. And it's not when he's sick, but in other areas of his life. Being able to even assist him when he's got something at work, like being able to really just be there for him, I think that that is actually an incredible way to build that connection. The only thing that can happen that I want to caution all of you towards, and Gary, I'm interested in your thoughts on this, is some women find it unattractive when a man actually lets his guard down. Women will say all the time, oh, I want a man who's emotionally open, want a man who's very vulnerable. I want a man who listens. And all this, well, listen, actually take out listens. I want a man who's emotionally vulnerable, and then they get that sensitive, emotionally vulnerable man, and then they actually find it unattractive. What do you think about that? What do you think about that, Garrett, because I think that, that, that's like one of those things. You think you want it until you get it, and then you get it and then you're like, that's actually not attractive at all.

I think those women that struggle with that need to, like, spend more time figuring out what they really want, because what they think they want, they don't. And I mean, I don't know, like, I. In the grand scheme of things, should you want a guy who's more emotionally available? Yeah, like, that's, that's the kind of guy, like, if, assuming you're optimizing for that long term, fulfilling, committed relationship, the guy who's more able to access his feelings and be emotionally vulnerable, you know, maybe cries. Right. Like all that, that's all good stuff. That's good long term commitment stuff. And so women are right to say that they want it. And then you're right, though. Like, we've heard it from clients. It's like, you know, this guy, he's so, he's so gentle, he's caring, he's kind, he's all these great things. He, he does cry at movies. And you know how I feel about this. I'm a crier. I'm like, I'm. Get a little defensive of the criers. Like, I. But I think, like, isn't that like, what you want? Like, it, it comes together with the package and it's like, that's a good thing.

Yeah, it's just like, it's not hot on a visceral level. I get it.

Right?

Like when a guy's crying, Sorry, Gary. It's just not hot to women. Like, it's not like, oh, my God, I want to jump his bones because he's crying. But it, it's, it's much more intimate. It's an intimate. It's an emotionally intimate moment if you're actually crying with a person, even if it's just watching a silly movie where you shouldn't be crying together. The Notebook. You got me every time. We already know this. Don't get me crying right now. And I think when we mature in life and we, we are really ready for a long term, stable relationship or marriage or a lifelong partner, suddenly we should just be valuing that emotional intimacy over what's hot. You know, like a guy who pulls away and is hot and cold and is really guarded, that's probably hot to a lot of women because he's mysterious. He knows, you know when to pull away at certain moments. He keeps you in, you know, he Keeps you in the dark on things and you just can't get him. That's hot. Okay. But a guy who is stable, he is emotionally available, he's vulnerable, he is willing to give a good cry. He actually opens up about his insecurities and his fears in life, that's not gonna be necessarily as hot, but you're gonna build such a better connection, you're gonna have such a better lifelong relationship. So it really is balancing those two and just realize that you. You tend to not get both. Like, women always want both all the time. The super, like, they want the emotionally unavailable guy who's also emotionally available when.

You want them to be.

When you want them to be, like.

At the exact moment you want it to happen. And it's like all of a sudden that starts to feel pretty demanding. Right. And it's. I. I do think, you know, it's like you're saying it's like there's a time and a place for everything. And I think it's a. It's. I say this a lot, but we have to remember, like, what gets you together. Those aren't the same things that keep you together. And if you're in these relationships and you're in dating and you're looking for a partner and you're thinking about the long term, you want to focus more on the keeps you together side of things. And it's the emotional availability, the emotional intimacy that's on the keeps you together side of things. Right. And so it's like if he's a little, you know, too cry emotional at first maybe, but it's like, how is this going to, like, project off into like, five, ten years in the future and like, that stuff becomes more important.

Yeah. So to round this out, if a guy is sick and he's. And you find that you're getting into kind of nurturing mode, but don't want to get into mothering mode and emasculate him. Just kind of see where his boundary is. Right. See where he communicates it. If he's sick, he's in bed, you bring him chicken soup. You thought of him, I wanted to make this for you. And he's like, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm good. Okay, no problem. Then you back off a little bit. But you, you know, it's. That's okay. That's not mothering. That's being nurturing, caring partner, in my, My opinion, and just find kind of where that balance is. And as the relationship progresses, I'm Sure. He's going to open up a lot more.

Yeah. And I would just. Kind of. One last thing to add to this is make it clear that what you want to do for him is something that you want to do. Like, this is going to bring you joy, this is going to bring you greater connection. That it's not that he needs help and you have to assist him and he's weak. It's like, I want to do this because this makes me feel good. And so that flips it around a little bit and takes the responsibility off of him and allows him to still be strong and masculine and all that great kind of stuff. Um, but also allows him to also be a little bit vulnerable. And again, like we said before, just make it clear that you find vulnerability attractive. Really, really important.

I wish that Jessica loved to give massages to me for her. Like, I wish she just, like, loved that. So Jessica, I want her to actually hear, you can give me lots of massages. But it's not for me, right? For her. It's for her. Jessica, if you're watching this video, she.

Should check your bumps and also massage. Got it. She's so lucky. She's so lucky.

That's a good place to end this one. Thanks, Gary.

Yep.

Can social media be toxic for your love life? In today's podcast, we're going to be answering that question from Rhiannon for who is from Indianapolis. Let's jump into it.

Hello. I will start with the juicy details. I am not back out dating. I was dating someone for about a year and then this past summer he broke it off. And I have been taking some time to recover from my heartbreak. And I started back at therapy not only due to my broken heart, but I felt like my self esteem and some past traumas were amplifying that heartbreak. So just trying to do not only healing from that relationship, but previous experiences throughout my life. And in that recently my therapist had made me aware of and encouraged me to join a Facebook group. And that leads to my question. These Facebook groups, I believe, are all over the country and they're city based and they're for only women. And the goal of these Facebook groups are to protect women. The gist of a lot of these groups are called are we dating the same person? And I understand that the purpose of these groups is to protect and create a community of women looking out for each other. But I have also found that it's very disheartening and sometimes causes anxiety before I've even started dating. And I know that mindset is very important when dating and giving someone a fair chance, as well as just sitting back and taking in the moment. But these groups seem to be good and also bad. So I just. My main question is, how would you integrate or deintegrate this part of social media into love strategies? There's no way at this point to take out social media from dating, and these groups are to protect. But I don't know how you would apply this to love strategies or not.

Well, Rhiannon, two steps to be done here. Number one, fire therapists because she doesn't know what she's doing. What therapist tells their client to go on Facebook at all? Do you, like, just look at the data of what social media does to your mental health? Fire your therapist. And number two, find a great community that you can really. That builds you up rather than brings you down. This community sounds to me like there's a lot of toxicity in there. And I get it. It's a lot of people who are jaded about love. Get those people together, and guess what? It's just going to create just a toxic ball of crap sludge that everyone's gonna start believing in. All men are the worst. All men are terrible. This guy, he didn't ever call me back. This guy slept with two other women. Guess what? It's just going to lead you to 10 years of thinking that men are the worst. Dating is impossible. It's never going to happen for you. Was that too strong, Gary? I don't know.

Yeah. I mean, firing therapist may. I don't know.

But I'm not saying all therapists.

It's. It's a curious suggestion because I think, you know, once you start getting into the social media world, there are no real guard rails. Right. There's no real safety net with, like, who's going to be in those groups and what's going on. And I think what she's describing. Describing. I don't know. I don't find it surprising at all. Right. And I think you have to be careful who you spend your time with because.

Yeah.

Who you're spending your time with, you're going to pick up thought patterns. You're going to feed off of that negative energy. And if you keep spending time with people who have had bad experiences, it's going to seem like the whole world is full of bad experiences. Right. It's like if you're spending your time, like there was a period of time when my wife worked in hospice, and so hospice, I mean, that's tough stuff. And so you're dealing With a lot of like, sad things. And it's like when she was working in, in hospice, it just felt like a lot of people were dying, right? And now that's not necessarily true, but it's like just because that was part of your life for so many hours of the day, it just, you start seeing more of those things around you. The thing is, you don't need this extra negativity. We are already built in with a negativity bias for evolutionary purposes to like, focus on negative things. And so spending time with other people who are focusing on negative things, it kind of feels good in the moment because we're like, we can all be like, they're terrible. Guys are terrible. This is awful, awful, awful. And it's like a short term little spike of pleasure that leads to a lot of long term misery.

I think think I agree. And I, I totally agree with what you said about feeling like everyone is dying around you. And the problem is with Facebook, which is why I'm so against your particular therapists, not all therapists is that the, the Facebook algorithm is designed to just tell you everyone is dying. Death, everything is wrong. Men are the worst. Because I guarantee in that group, if a woman posted in the group says, I'm actually really enjoying dating. I haven't met my one yet, but I'm enjoying it. It's fun. Guys are good. That is not going to get amplified versus the one that's like, I went on a date and it turns out that he was dating three other women at the same time. People, oh my God. And then that gets amplified. And so we need to be very, very cautious about where it is that we get our information and which communities in which we're engaging. And so social media, like one thing we tell our clients when they work with us and they join our community at love. At Love Strategies. And Love Accelerator is our coaching program where we help women, thousands of women all around the world, get out there and track love. One thing we tell our clients to do when they first join Love Accelerator is to delete all social media. Just get off it. I mean, get off it completely and lean into our community. Because there's. Our communities can very much be like, it's like a living organism. And it can be either this dark black plague organism that just sucks all of your energy dry and makes you feel like all the time. And there's some communities or some organisms that actually prop you up and empower you and make you feel great when you're down and not just kind of like, keep Bringing negativity and, and keep just supporting your existing preconceived belief systems that are just like, negative. You know what I'm saying? Gary? I don't know. Help me. I'm losing my words here.

I think what it is, is like when it comes to relationships and, and not just relationships, but lots of things in life. When you're skeptical, when you're cynical, it feels like you're being smart. It feels like you're being cautious. It feels like you know something other people don't because you're like, wait a second. No, no, no, I don't, I don't like this thing. But what we know is optimists have better relationships. Optimism is part of being a good relationship partner. It's about seeing the good in people. And when you talk about empowerment, when you get around a bunch of other people who believe in empowerment and growth and improvement, that rising tide, it raises all ships. And like, what do you want to be part of your life? Do you want to be one of those people who is focusing on improvement, empowerment and growth? Or do you want to be one of those people who's like, everything's burning, the world sucks, it's all going to end. Like, this is, this is terrible. And you know, it's something you, you say a lot and it's a quote from somebody else, but like, you're the average of the people you spend your time with.

Right?

And so that's an important thing to think about. The one thing I would say about this particular group, about, you know, are we dating the same person? And just, you know, any groups in general, the tool you use is important in the sense that you have to use it at the right time. Right. I don't need a whole metaphor about like, you know, screw. And people have metaphors about screwdrivers and hammers and all that kind of stuff. Like, you got to use the right tool at the right time. Like, I think that's obvious. But like, when it comes to this, it's like once you've been dating somebody for a long time or a long enough time, and you're like, huh, I wonder about him. Now go to that group about, are we dating the same person? And see, maybe if there's something about this person, person on there, maybe that is a good resource for that very, very specific problem. But on a day to day basis, to live in that kind of community where it's all centered around worst case scenarios, I don't know that that feels like doomsday prepping for relationships and that just sounds horrible to me.

Horrible. I mean, I, I, I hear you. Maybe search his name, right?

Maybe.

But I want to tell you a quick story about this site. There was this app, it was called Lulu. And it was around in the 2000, 2000s, maybe 2000. No, because I had a girlfriend at the time. 2000, early 2010s, and what it would do is women could post reviews about men. And I had a girlfriend at the time. And my girlfriend went to the site. I wasn't aware of it, and I had one bad review. And the review was like, because there's no positive reviews, no one goes to a site to give a positive dating review. Like, I dated a lot of women. 2000s, 2010s. Okay. Like, whatever that's out there. All right? And one negative review. And she's like, what is this? Like, what is. What the hell? And it was something like, Adam went on one date with me and I thought we had a really good connection. And then he told me that he wasn't really interested in anything. And he's just the worst. It was like literally something like that. And my girlfriend at the time, who I'm not with anymore, was like, why do you have this review? I'm like, I don't know. Go talk to that crazy lady who's not. We went on one date. I didn't like, like, it wasn't like, he cheated on me, he did all this hor. It was just like, it was a bad, it was a bad date. I, I don't, I literally didn't even know who it was because it was anonymous. So I have a special place in my heart thinking that these stupid groups are so idiotic because just seeing that review at the time, I'm like. And, and it honestly made me not like my girlfriend at the time, which may be why I didn't marry her. Honestly. No, I'm just kidding. But I'm not being strong. It really made me be like, these groups are so silly, so dumb. Because again, the only types of reviews that will come out of it are going to be negative reviews.

Yeah. And I would say love doesn't work that way. I'm a professor, so I am, you know, at the mercy of there's a site out there that, where students get to rate their professors. Now with something like that, people will leave positive reviews. But it's a whole entirely different dynamic when it comes to dating. This is like one of those things that sounds like a good idea but actually is a horrible, atrocious, not useful at all idea because it won't have any positive reviews because all the positive reviews are the people that are in those relationships still, right? And, like, and if that relationship ended, you don't feel like, you know what, we ended that really, it was great. But I'm gonna give them a positive review just to help them out on that. Like, no. Like, no one does that. And so these sites are only gonna be filled with a lot of rotten and negativity types of things. And every once in a while, when there's something positive, I feel like it's just gonna be like a bunch of push puranas are like, are you sure you. You just don't know yet? Like, you haven't found out the real problem yet. And that's a bad. That's a bad way to approach relationships, because so much about relationships based on trust. And I think if you have that perspective where it's like you're constantly doubting everything all the time, like, yes, that. Like I said before, that feels smart, it feels safe. But when you keep out some of that bad stuff, you're also keeping out all the good stuff too. And that's probably. Probably a bigger problem.

So back to the original response. I really do believe get a new therapist, because I don't believe that. That that therapist is giving you the right advice. Any therapist that tells you to go to Facebook, which is proven to make women feel worse about themselves, like, date study after study, it's not the right type of person you want advising you find a new therapist. And number two is, we would love to welcome you and anyone listening to this who wants a better community. This is not trying to be a shameless plug, but it's just so related to what we do. You want a community that props you up, that makes you feel supported, that gives you the encouragement when you need it, but also the tough love when you need it, then that's exactly what we do. And Gary has been just instrumental in building that community, as well as our other coaches, Robin, Maureen, Sarah, everyone. And building this incredible place where we allow some level of venting, but it's productive venting. And it. It actually creates action in the right direction and everyone knows each other in the right way and props each other up when one person is down and nothing like it exists on the planet. I mean, nothing. And so our clients will literally delete all social media and when they are just bored sitting on their phone, they just go into our community. Read the responses. Read someone going on amazing date. Read that someone's now little love. Step six or seven, that means they're an exclusive committed relationship. Read that someone just got married and it just creates this very different environment than you'd ever get on something like Facebook.

Yeah, much more optimistic and, you know, talk about helpful. It's that kind of help that you need with other people that are also learning high quality information. Because the other thing that's out there with these Facebook groups is a lot of, like, armchair psychologists using a lot of perhaps well intentioned but likely misinformed advice and tips and tricks and things. And it's like you just. Relationships are too important to screw around with bad information. And so you want to make sure you're getting good information from the right people. And when you have other people who are also kind of in the same courses and things with you now, you know you're all kind of working from the same high quality information.

All right, so now we're at the end of the podcast, and hopefully you got a lot of really great information from this podcast. But as we know, information can only take you so far. It's time to take some action. So what I recommend you do now is head on over to loveapply.com it's going to walk you through a series of questions, and then you'll be able to book what we call a complimentary love strategy session. Yes, you've heard it. Someone on my team is going to get on a phone call with you. We will understand your situation, what it is that you're struggling with in your love life, and create that strategy to help you attract that man, that relationship you truly deserve. So take that action. Go make it happen. We cannot wait to speak with you, love apply.com and yeah, let's help you create that love life you truly deserve. All right, speak soon.

Bye.

Bye.