How Attachment Styles Impact Your Romantic Relationships (Based on Science)

Things start going well, right? Like, you would think, like, oh, things are going well. Like, this is. This is a cause for celebration. We should be happy. The avoidant person sees that increasing closeness as a danger sign. So as you're like, yay. They're like, danger, danger.

Get away from me.

Right? Because now that we're closer, now you're just. You're just more able to hurt me. Like, I've let you in, like, the circle of trust. And like, once that happens, now you can really do some damage.

Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast, where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else. Backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences, your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of love strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. All right, Gary, we are going to be talking about one of the most fun and exciting topics you can imagine, which is attachment styles. Can we have some fun with this conversation today? Because I feel like most people just start yawning when they start thinking about it. What is an attachment style? And what is all this stuff? So, I don't know. Talk to me. What do you think about attachment styles?

You know what? You know, you asked if we can have fun with this. I think you. We absolutely can. Because, like, learning about relationships is always fun, right? You're going to learn something during this podcast you didn't know before. And there's one thing to learn about in relationship science, it's attachment. It's the one grand theory we have in relationship science, which a grand theory is just something that explains a ton, right? So once you know just a little bit about attachment, you can learn a lot about how your relationship works and how it's going to proceed going forward. So you're going to learn a lot in a very short period of time.

Okay, so let's. Let's dive into it. So what defines an attachment style? Like, where does this come from? What is it exactly?

So attachment style, I mean, it goes all the way back to the relationship you have with your caregivers, right? Your parents, which typically just basically means mom. And it's, you know, based on the consistency of care you received as an infant. And so the big breakthrough they had in the 1980s, as recently as that was Basically like, hey, that same pattern of care you had with your mom that carries over into your romantic relationships.

Right.

It's not about your mom being the one who takes care of you now. It's your romantic partner. And so basically what they found was the same styles that they were observing in infants you see play out in romantic relationships. So this is literally the closest thing to Freud being correct that we have going.

Is it, like, the only thing that he was actually right about?

Yes, it's one of the. So, like, when Freud says, like, you know, your childhood influences everything later on. Well, no, not exactly. And there's a lot of that Freud gets wrong. But attachment theory is pretty cool.

I, like, don't want my mother. Isn't that one of the other ones?

Yeah, you're really not looking to bed your mom necessarily.

Thank God. Mom, if you're listening, you're in the clear. You're good. I'm sweating now. Based on that joke. Don't tell jokes like that. Okay. So one of the things Freud actually got right is this idea, and I think that a lot of this comes down to is that in relationships, we don't necessarily seek what makes us happy. We seek what is comfortable to us. And is that a part of what attachment styles, like, what they talk about with attachment styles? Because that's something I've noticed a lot is people just tend to be attracted to the very type of person that they're just most familiar with and comfortable with.

Yeah, it's kind of, you know, it's a lot of replaying the patterns that you established from when you were young. Right. And so if you were accustomed to a certain type of interaction with a caregiver, that's your default setting, basically. I mean, that's. That's how you think the world works. And so, so much of how we think the world works is. Is predicated on our upbringing and how we dealt with our family life. And so this is just one more way. And so as it turns out, you know, it's. It's. It's. Can be complicated, but you can also make attachment really simple in the sense that, you know, there's basically three different attachment styles that. That people fall into. Okay? So the biggest one, the best one, and, you know, this is the, no doubt about it, best one to be, which luckily about 70% of people are. Is secure. And so if you're secure means you are comfortable being close to others, you're comfortable relying on other people, you're comfortable trusting other people. You're not worried about them. Leaving you or hurting you all the time. And it's just. It's sort of a. You've learned that the people you love and care about can be relied upon. They're reliable, they're consistent, they're there. And so, you know, so 70%, I.

Always quote 50%, but I could definitely be getting that wrong. You think it's as high as 70% are secure? Maybe it's because a lot of women who are drawn to our programs don't fall into secure attachment. But.

Yeah, so I think, I think you can have a selection effect. Sure. Like, so, you know, people that are looking for, you know, people that are historically have had trouble in their relationships, that they're generally going to be a more insecure, tight type of group. But, you know, the research Data is about 70% are secure, which is really good news. Right. And the other thing, this whole thing about being secure is really good news for, is that it means that your parents didn't have to be perfect. Right. So a lot of times people, when they hear like, oh, well, you know, how I was brought up, that's going to influence how I was in my romantic relationship. We can easily pick out all the times our parents screwed things up. Right. Like your parents yelled at you or like we're mean to you or spanked, you know, all these different kinds of things. And so just because you had some rough spots in your upbringing, it doesn't mean you're going to be insecure because, you know, most of us people are resilient. Right. Amazingly resilient. So most of us end up secure, luckily.

Yeah. Is it based on mostly trauma in childhood or are there some children who are maybe more sensitive to others, to situations that causes them to then be an avoidant or. I don't know, how does that work? Have they figured that out?

We haven't exactly pinpointed. I mean, this is like one of the beautiful and frustrating things about psychology. There's always this interaction of qualities you have as a person versus your experiences, and it's always what causes you to be the person you are. Well, it's a combination of both and it's this complex interaction. And so certainly one person could have seven different traumas as a child and emerged perfectly secure. Right, right. Some other person could have one and end up avoidant or anxious. Ambivalent. Right. And so it's. There's definitely that interaction where it's, you know, not all things are created equal. And that's why it's really hard to make any kind of judgment or assumptions about other people's experiences. And, you know, there's no shoulds like, oh, you should be fine. You've. You had a perfect childhood. Well, it all depends really, actually on how you interpret things.

Right, right. That's so true. And I mean, there's so many factors into who makes us, what makes us who we are. Right. There's obviously our childhood, then there's our experiences, the people we have around us, and our support group. And maybe having a support group is what causes you to then have a secure attachment style. Because even though you were traumatized from your parents, maybe you had this other group to lean on, or maybe just your DNA, you're just a little bit less, I don't know, for lack of a better word, fragile throughout the experience. I don't know if that's the right word or sensitive to it. But regardless, some people seem to be, obviously based on their childhood trauma or experiences, have this way of interacting with their romantic partners because of it. So what does it mean? Why don't we dive into each one? And obviously, secure is probably the easiest one to start with. It just means you're pretty comfortable in relationships. And I think you already talked a little bit about that, but when you describe the other two a little bit, I think that'd be helpful.

Sure. So, you know, he said most people are secure. So that's 70%. Then there's the other 30%. Now, there are two different ways to be insecure. The first is you're avoidant. Right. Avoidant are people who are not comfortable being close to other people and they're worried about being left. Right. And so, you know, there's a lot of fears you can have in relationships. And so avoiding people have two big fears, like, what if you hurt me? Right. And what if you leave me? And so if you think of kind of the greatest hits of the bad things that can happen in a relationship, those are the two biggest ones. And so avoidant people are constantly kind of worried about that. Right now they want a relationship. They want all the same things everybody else wants in a relationship, but it's counterweighted all the time by this fear of being hurt and being left. And so as a result of that, they put up walls. Right. It's like, I know you might hurt me, so I'm going to keep you at a distance.

Yeah.

And you can imagine, like, I mean, that leads to really mediocre relationships. Right.

I mean, I'm just imagining every woman listening to this right now thinking of, like, all the guys she's dated in the past, like, that might fall into that category. I'm just like this mind blowing moment.

Yeah, right. It's, it's like, you know, it's such a stereotypical male trait as well.

Right.

And so that guys are kind of, you know, brought up to be like that lone wolf. Like, I don't need anybody. I don't need to talk to anybody. I'm good.

Right.

And it's not necessarily a great trait. Right. And so what happens in relationships, if you're in a relationship with an avoidant person, it's like this roller coaster. It's like a lot of highs and lows because like I said, they want to be close. They want that great relationship. So as things start going well, right. Like, you would think, like, oh, things are going well. Like, this is a cause for celebration. We should be happy. The avoidant person sees that increasing closeness as a danger sign. So as you're like, yay. They're like, danger, danger.

Get away from me. Right.

Because now that we're closer, now you're just, you're just more able to hurt me. Like, I've let you in, like, the circle of trust. And like, once that happens, now you can really do some damage. And now clearly most partners are not going to do that. But that's what makes it avoidant attachment. You know, insecure, because they're constantly worried about these things that may not even come to pass. Like, they're just hyper vigilant about threats in a way that's counterproductive to a healthy relationship.

Hey there, ladies. As you can see, we're just getting this podcast off the ground. And since we don't run any ads, I only have one quick favor to ask in return. Can you just take a quick second right now, pause this episode and just leave us a review wherever it is that you're listening to. The podcast really help us out a lot, and it really does spread the love, and I think the world needs a little bit more of that. So I appreciate you. Now let's get back to the show. Yeah. And, and on the note of gender stereotypes on this, I think a lot of women who have avoidant attachment styles think that there's something, like, wrong with them as a female because most women are supposed to be, like, the ones who are kind of needy in a relationship, the ones who are always pushing things forward. And we actually have a lot of avoidant clients or women who would categorize themselves that way or have been categorized by a therapist as that and tell them, look, there's nothing wrong with that. It's actually not. There's nothing wrong with you in that sense. Like it's something to be aware of and something to work on. But a lot of them think that it's so weird for a woman to be that way. But do you have any data or background of what if men tend to be more avoidant than women? As far as like the clinical definition of it?

They do, right? I mean, it's more of a male typical trait. And so if you, you know, imagine the woman going through that's experiencing this avoidance, kind of recognizes it as a problem, which is good, right? Because if you recognize it, then you can do something about it. Whereas the guys that kind of fall into this pattern, it's just like, just a dude. That's what help dudes are. Right. And like I said, there's no real motivation or there's no lever. That's like kind of saying like, oh, you really got to do something about this. It's just like, so I am.

Here's the million dollar question for you though. I was definitely an avoidant in like from the ages of 23 to 28, just because I wanted to like, go have fun and live my life. But it didn't come from a place of actually what you were describing. It was just like, I don't want a relationship. I just want to like live and date and do all that stuff. So I don't know, does that fall into that category? Is that possible? Yeah.

Can you. So it actually, it's like a subcategory of avoidant. It's something that later became known as dismissing, where it's basically like you don't want any attachments, like you're keeping people at a distance, all the same kind of behaviors. But like you just said, for the exact opposite reason almost. It's like, it's not that you're worried about getting hurt, it's just that you were just disinterested. Like, you're just like this, like, I don't like. It's. It's almost like a hyper independence.

Right. And so I want to have fun. Like, I didn't want to be in a relationship. And you know, I probably, if I could go back in time and probably smack that guy across the face and be like, hey man, grow up a little bit, I probably would.

Sure.

But you know, I also, at the same token, I do think that there's something to being in your early 20s. Certainly that's why we don't allow any. I don't say allow. But generally speaking, we don't accept women who are younger than 25 or 24 into our program because there's something to that phase in life where you're like, hey, look, just explore, meet lots of people and have fun. And like, it doesn't have to be so serious yet at this stage. So I'm curious on your thoughts on, like, age groups.

Yeah. And, you know, what we know about attachment is over time, you know, people just generally get more secure.

Right.

And whether that's, it's hard to really disentangle, whether that's just like a natural aging maturation type of process or, you know, chances are by the time people are into their 40s and 50s, they've had a long term, stable, healthy relationship. And that helps you be more secure.

Well, it makes sense to me at least if you would be more avoidant when you're younger because you want to stay independent because you're young and you value excitement and all the fun things that comes with being really young and single. It also makes sense that you might be anxious when you're young because you're not yet very sure of yourself. And confidence, I think, is something that kind of you grow into as you get older as well. And just generally being a secure person, whether it's with yourself or your relationships, that just makes sense that you would grow into that regardless of what you may have experienced earlier in life.

Yeah. And so that anxious style you're talking about is sometimes called anxious ambivalence, other times called preoccupied. And so that's the other way to be insecure. So there's about 15% that are avoidant. There's about 15% that are this anxious, ambivalent, preoccupied style. And it's actually almost the exact opposite of avoidance in the sense that you're super needy, you're super clingy, you're super, you know, high intensity. Like, almost like hyper romantic. Like, relationships are everything. Being with your partner is everything you want to spend every moment of every day. Like, it's like, it's just so over the top. Like, you know, if you have somebody that's like following you around and stalking your every, every moment. Right. A partner like that, they're probably anxious, right? They're, they're probably anxious and vivilant. And it's like, it's such a strong, strong, hyper, hyper love kind of way of approaching relationships. And it's, it's kind of like you said, it can be out of a place of neediness and not kind of knowing your Own way. But it's like, you know, we said the avoidance. Don't want to get hurt, and they don't want to get left, so they want to get close to people. And so the anxious folks, they don't want to get left either. So. But rather than putting up walls, they do the exact opposite. Instead of keeping you at a distance so you don't hurt them, they. They keep you as close as possible so you don't hurt them, so you don't get a chance to leave.

I once had a friend that went out one night without his girlfriend, and they were only dating for, like, a month. She called him 28 times that night. 28. It's like, yeah, it's just one of those moments. We literally, like, we were just hanging out, and I think he had his phone in the other room, and he went back and looked at his phone, and he literally is like, 28 calls. And we're just like, what is this? And clearly looking backwards. You know, there must be an anxious.

Attachment style that's a constant, like, needing to check in. Where were you? What are you doing? Who are you with? Like, it leads to a lot of jealousy. It's the, like, I love you. And if you don't say I love you back quick enough or in the right kind of tone, they're like, what's up with that? You don't love me? Like, what's going on? Like, it's very hard to convince them of your undying love and affection. And, like, it's just hard to get to the level that they want you to be at. And so as a partner of somebody who's anxious, it's. It's tough. It is really, really tough to keep up.

Yeah, I wonder. So in. In my program Love Accelerator, I feel like we cater more towards anxious attachment style. We probably have more who are in that category, and I think our program is probably even better suited for that, because a lot of what we do is we make love a little bit less romantic and more strategic, and we slow things down and just so many things that gives kind of these. I don't know, kind of. What's the right word? We give them kind of a plan to take that helps them stay a little bit more rational throughout the process. And I wonder in relationship synergy, if you feel it's the same or maybe you more experience avoidant or maybe just secure. Do you have any sense of that? And obviously you're not making any diagnoses, but, like, the general sense of it?

Well, I mean, one of the things I think that you guys do a really nice job of and love Accelerator is to help the anxious folks is the concept you talk about in terms of pacing. Right? Like, don't go all in all at once. Like, kind of like keep some distance and just like really just kind of put up. Put some speed bumps along the road to like, kind of make sure people aren't moving too fast too soon. Which. Which I think is really helpful. And it's. It's exactly those kind of strategies that folks need. You know, to your point about relationship synergy and kind of what we're dealing with, I think what it ends up being, I think most of the women in that program are secure.

Yeah.

Because I think they're secure. They're. They're coming from a place of, you know, wanting to learn more about the relationship things, that things are going well and they just want to get better at them.

But.

But I think they're dealing with a lot of insecure partners. And it's. It's kind of to try to help learn how to manage some of those behaviors. But I think, you know, I don't think it's anxious as much as I think it's anxiety over abandonment. Right. So this attachment thing, there's a bunch of styles, but there's two dimensions. And one's the comfort with closeness, but the other one is this anxiety over abandonment. And I think it's, you know, once people have found the one, they want to hold on to it, they don't want to lose it. And so I think if there's an attachment dimension that the relationship synergy folks tap into more than anything, it's that I don't want to lose this great thing I found. And, you know, they don't want to.

Go back to the little love steps. They don't want to go back to my program.

Right. It's like you want to. You want to delete every one of those dating apps you've ever used and never see them again once you found your person. Right. And so, you know, I think they're smart in learning about some of these things. It's because it's going to help them do that. It's going to make their relationship better, and so that they don't have to go back. Go back in time. Like, they want to be done with that phase.

So let's. Let's think of some practical kind of advice here. So let's start with the 70% that are secure. If you've been dating and you find yourself dating someone who is avoidant or anxious. Do you have any insight as to how to navigate that? Is it something that you should not consider them for a lifelong partner, or should you cater to their needs? What do you think from a practical way of navigating this, they should do?

Well, I think one of the things, and actually I have seen this in some of the relationship synergy folks, is, you know, when you're. It's like a secure attachment is great. Like, don't get me wrong, it's fantastic. But one of the things that I think can be a potential downside of secure attachment is if you're secure and you're with someone who's not, you can kind of like, take it upon yourself. Like, I'm going to fix them.

Yeah, fix that.

Like, I know what I'm doing. I'm really good at this. I can fix anybody. Yeah. I mean, it's tough to be the savior. Right? And attachment can change it. Absolutely can. I think the best thing for people to know and just learning a little bit about attachment is go into it with clear eyes, like, really know what you're dealing with. Because it's not impossible for people to change their attachment, but it will be slow.

Yeah.

Right.

If they have to want it, I mean, that's the thing they have to want to change. Right. It's like an alcoholic. Right. You can overcome alcoholism. You just have to want to work on that and be aware of it. And I don't know if it's. That's an exact analogy here. You can correct me if I'm wrong on that. But my point is just like, if you're. If you can't change anyone that you're with, they have to want it. And if they're open to understanding their attachment styles and even talking about it and want to learn more about that, great. But if they want to ignore it or pretend it doesn't exist and call you crazy and gaslight you and think that you're nuts for whatever, then that's a big problem. And we can't be involved with someone like that if we are secure, because we're just going to sit back and be like, who is. What are we dealing with? This is craziness. Doesn't even make sense.

Yeah. And, you know, it's. You can find somebody better. Like, there's. There's always, you know, if you're. If you really are secure, like, you're. You're one of the people that. That's got it right. Like, you know, the right way to deal with relationships and like, can you spend all of your time trying to fix this person? Now, if you've been married for 10, 15 years and you have a lot of time invested, then, you know, you probably do owe it to that person to kind of stick with it.

Right?

A little bit. But if you've just met somebody in the first two months and you realize they have these strong avoidant or anx. His tendencies. Next.

Right.

Like, you know, next, if he calls.

You 25 times, all right, and you're like, what is going on with this guy? No, I can change him. He'll change. Once we're in a relationship, maybe not.

You're not going to change. And you can't want them to change for them. Like, like you said, they have to want to change. And it's like, you know, I always say to people, relationships aren't easy, but they shouldn't be so damn hard either. Right, right. And it's like, if you're with this person who's avoidant and constantly, like, putting up walls and not wanting to talk and, like, how are you ever gonna get close to that person? How is that? Is that what you wanted? When, before you, like, started all this? Like, is. Is that the kind of partner was like your dream partner? It wasn't. There's no way it was.

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. And I think that's an important point, that this can be changed. Like, I think a lot of my clients in particular, I hear this a lot. I am X, Y, or Z. And that could be any type of identity that they want to connect with. I am anxious, therefore, that's why I do this. I think that's actually pretty disempowering. And like, even just saying something like, I used to be, or I tend to have anxious attachment style, like, characteristics, like, even just using that difference in language rather than being like a tattoo on your arm. Like, I am like this. So therefore he needs to call me three times a day. That's disempowering.

That's.

That's not going to help you in your life. So I think it's just really helpful to just be aware if you do. Let's maybe transition to. If you do have anxious or, geez, I'm mind blanking. Avoidant attachment style, then it is something you can actively work on and you can move past. So if you are fit in that category, should you really be looking for someone who is secure?

It's.

It's likely. Yes. Right, sure.

Yeah. And I think, you know, your point needs to be, you Know, emphasized, right. Is like, yeah, people, it's not determinism, right. It's not deterministic. It's like, once you, you can grow up in a terrible household on these things and end up avoiding, it doesn't mean you're avoidant for the rest of your life. And, like, there's nothing you can do. And kind of that shift in language is really important. Instead of thinking I'm an avoidant person, it's like I'm a person who has some avoidant tendencies. You know, I'm a recovery. And I've heard people say, like, I'm a recovering, anxious, ambivalent person. Right. And it's like, you know, there's a path, right. And you can change, and a lot of it depends on your relationship experiences. Right. It can go the other way, too. You could be super secure, have a devastating breakup, and end up feeling pretty avoidant or pretty anxious after that. But, you know, to, to your question, you know, if you, you know, you kind of, you know, and we have them in the program, it's like these little quizzes you can take to kind of figure out where you fall in terms of your attachment. If you find that you have some insecure tendencies, right. Either anxious or avoidant, the best possible thing you can do is find a secure partner and trust them. So your secure partner, if you're avoidant, they're going to tell you things like, I'm not going to hurt you, and you're avoidant in the background. You're going to be like, yes, you are. I know you are. It's just a matter of time. I just don't know when it's going to happen, but it's definitely going to happen. But you got to kind of like, rewire that circuitry a little bit and be like, just hear their words, see their intentions, see how they've been acting towards you, and see that they really are there. Like, they're showing you that they're there and just start paying more attention to those things. It's the same with, if you find yourself being anxious, your partner is going to tell you that they love you and don't second guess everything they say. Right. You just have to trust. Right. And yes, I mean, that's going to make you vulnerable, but, like, that can lead to problems. Sure. But most of the time it leads to really great relationships. You can't have a great relationship without being vulnerable. And so if you refuse to be vulnerable, you refuse to have that trust. You're basically just saying, I'm never Going to have a healthy, long term relationship that I say I want.

Yeah. Yeah. I find with anxious in particular, anxious attachment style clients who seem to fall into that category, I tend to constantly just be reassuring them that there is no problem. Like sometimes I just feel like it's a constant creation of issues in the relationship. He's not doing this enough or he's not giving me enough. And I listen to it and they explain to me what he's actually doing or not doing that's not fulfilling their needs. And I'm like, that's normal, it's okay, it's okay. And that's what I love about your work and what you do and what you teach is so much of it is about having that loving, healthy, committed relationship that, that is based on realistic expectations and understanding what a healthy relationship really looks like. It's not this Disney fairyland, you know, tale. It's, you know, it's different than that.

Well, it's just like we talked about earlier, where it's like the same, like two people can have, you know, the same amount of childhood trauma and one person's going to end up fine and one person's, you know, going to end up insecure. The same thing happens in relationships. Like, you know, your relationship partner isn't going to be perfect, your relationship isn't going to be perfect all the time. A secure person is going to see that and just kind of roll with it. Be like, yeah, we had a bad day, you know, we were kind of off. They were in a bad mood and just kind of understand that at the foundation, everything's still okay, but you can have these little blips of problems. Right. That person who's avoidant or anxious is going to have that same relationship. Right. We'll assume it's the same exact relationship when they see those little problems. Right. That day with a partner's in a cranky mood and like kind of snapped at you about something that's going to send up these major red flags for them that's actually unnecessary. Right. It's like you said, it's just the normal relationship. It's part of being in a relationship with another person. Right. It's. You're going to have a lot of this. Right. It's just how it goes.

Yeah, no, that makes a lot of sense. I think that's, that's great. Okay, so I don't know anything else that you want to add to this? I feel like I've learned a lot from this. I think this is amazing and it's so helpful. Anything else that you feel like is important to add when it comes to attachment styles. What to think about as you navigate your relationship or your dating life.

Yeah. I think one of the big things that just kind of circle back on a theme that we mentioned earlier is that there's a lot of societal expectations about gender roles that play into this. And so one of the most common, so by far the most common pairing between partners, just based on percentages, is two secure people. Right. And so that's fantastic. But once you move beyond that, it's fairly common to have pairings where you have an avoidant male with an anxious female.

Yep.

Now, that combination isn't good because both.

People, like, needless to say, it's gonna be just fireworks. Oh, God.

You have two people that want the opposite things. They're both very sens about being hurt and left. And it's just, it's. It's not total, total problems, but it's common. And they'll stay together because if people have these gender typical stereotypes about, like, that's just how guys are, that's just how ladies are. Like, then they're like, I guess that's how it is. Right. And they start really, you know, just accepting this mediocre, horrible relationship is just like, I guess that's what I get from love. Right. And that's just not true. Like, it's. I talk a lot about blind spots and stuff. People get wrong. And that's just like, it's a big one. Right. You know that avoidant male, he's unhappy because his female partner wants to get close to him all the time. And he's like, hell, no. I don't want no parts of this. This is a problem for me. And then as he puts up walls, it activates her anxiety and she's like, must get closer. So he's running, she's falling. And it's, it's, it's tumultuous at best.

Yeah. To say the least. Right.

So, you know, it's, you know, when you. One other thing is, like, anxious females. You said you deal with a lot of that in, you know, your section. Just know the research shows anxious females are. It's bad for relationships. Right. It creates a lot of extra drama that doesn't need to be there. And, you know, if you're in a relationship with someone who's anxious, imagine it from their perspective. You want more and more affirmations of love. That person keeps telling you they love you, they care about you and all that kind of stuff, but their Partner never believes them. And so it's like, what can I possibly do to make you believe I actually care? And the answer a lot of times is you're never gonna be able to do enough. And that's very, you know, talk about disempowering. That, that's certainly disempowering well, and that's.

That'S one concept I talk a lot about with Love Accelerator is when you're in a brand new relationship, I call it the cool down period, which is like you're going to go from this incredible euphoria of the honeymoon relationship and experience where you're just lovey dovey. He's constantly calling you, texting you, want to be with you. And then once you find yourself in anywhere from three to six months, in my experience, it just tends to cool off. Maybe he's going to start focusing on work again, reaching out to old friends he hasn't talked to. He's going to want a weekend off, a night, a night off, a weekend where he can just do his own thing. And that is where the anxious comes in hard because they're like, my relationship's falling apart. What do I do? Oh, my God, where is this guy? And it's like, no, that's just normal life.

Yeah. It's not falling apart. It's coming together is what it is.

Yeah.

Right. That shift is showing a confidence in the relationship where it's like if you're constantly monitoring it, showing that you're not so sure about it, like once they can kind of, you know, your partner can shift priorities and not be so constantly monitoring the relationship, it shows a certain level of trust. Right. It shows confidence. And so you have to reinterpret that for what it really is.

Yeah. Well, that was great, Gary. I learned a lot through this. And just to really appeal to those anxious attachment style listening, next week's podcast is how to know if a man is falling in love with you. So I don't know if that's going to trigger some people that are listening here, but I think it'll be a fun one to, to talk about. And thank you so much, Gary. That was amazing. Anything else that you want to add or do you think we covered it all?

No, I think, you know, just as a general rule, like, don't, don't put up so many walls that you can't love. Let the love in that you really are looking for in the first place. Like, I mean, you just, you have to be vulnerable to experience the kind of relationship you want. And that with that vulnerability, you know, just learn to trust your partner.

Yeah. Amen to that. Great place to end. Thanks, Gary.

Sure thing, man.

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