How to Be the Perfect First Date: 20 Easy Ways to Avoid Disaster

Hey there, all you beautiful ladies. Before we get to the pod, as you know, we don't run any weird ads on this podcast. We want to deliver as much value as possible. So all we ask in return is if you enjoy the podcast, be sure to go ahead and send it to a friend. I'm sure she could use a little bit of help in our love life. Go ahead and share it and just tell one of your friends because that's probably how you heard about this. All right, let's get to the podcast. Okay, my beautiful ladies, the next time that you are on a first, first date with the guy, I want you to use this training and have this in the back of your mind to get you in the right mindset so that we avoid bad dates in the future. And interestingly enough, when we're going to this one fascinating poll from the New York post showed that 84% of people had a date go horribly wrong. Horribly wrong. Firstly, I mean, I've had many of them. Gary, have you ever had a date go horribly wrong?

Yeah, absolutely. And it was the one that you didn't see coming? At least. At least I didn't see it coming.

Definitely. Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of love strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, early relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. So today our goal is to give you some tools and make sure that going on a first date is the most exhilarating, exciting experience of your life. Not all of them, but it can make it a lot more fun and a lot more enjoyable. And when you meet that guy that you really like and you're excited about, you know exactly what to do. So get this thing started, Gary. Let's jump into it.

Yeah. So I think what I think is interesting about first dates is so often we think that experiences are either good or bad, but psychologically, what actually is true is many experiences are a combination of both. And first dates are a great example of that. It's. It's exhilarating, it's exciting. It's also frankly, a little terrifying. Right, because you don't know if that date is going to be fun. Is it going to be awkward? Is time going to fly by? Or are you going to count the seconds until you can get the hell out of there? Like, you just don't know. There's a lot that could go right. There's also plenty that could go wrong. And so, particularly for those of us who are kind of chronic worriers or overthinkers, there's a lot to worry and think about. And so I would.

I would say that 100%, I don't know if that's statistically possible. 100% of our audience are overthinkers and worriers, myself included. When it goes into it, when you go into a date, especially when it is an online dating date, like someone you've never met before, how can you not overthink it? Just overanalyze and freak out going into it. And that's what I think makes dating and going on a first date especially, even more awkward. And there's so much anticipation. There's so much first date anxiety. And what is the best way to overcome anxiety? Preparation. Be prepared.

Right. And that. And that's. Here's the weird thing about first dates. Like, no one really gets good prep, right? There's no kind of system out there to actually prep people for those first dates. So we're going to do something I've never seen any other podcast do, which is lead you through from beginning to end a day in your dating life. We're going to cover the whole first date experience, beginning to end, focusing on all of the potentially problematic situations. Right. There's going to be practical solutions. We're answering those common questions. And if you stick around to the end where there's common questions, right. But then at the very end, we're going to give the one question everyone should ask, but no one actually thinks to.

I love it. I love it. So we're going to talk about, as a starting point before the date, the planning stage. You got a hot date coming up. He looked really good on his online dating profile. He asked you out. How do we get ready for this? Why don't we get into the first one, Gary?

Yeah. So I think, you know, when it comes to dating men, which is. That's our audience, right? We're talking about women who want to date men. The guy is quite happy for you to plan it, right? They want you to suggest the place, plan the thing, pick the day, time, all that kind of stuff. And part of you is thinking about planning a date. Great. Fantastic. I can do this so much better than him, right? Here's the thing. Don't do it. Don't, don't do it. You want, yeah, you, you want him to do some planning. You want to see if he's willing to invest. And you know, you don't want to leave things to chance. And part of you is you, even though we just said don't, don't do the planning, let him do it. Part of you thinking like, but he's going to screw it up. It's not going to be perfect. It's not going to be what I want. Here's the thing. Embrace the spontaneity and the mystery of him planning. You don't know what he's going to come up with. And just make that part of the fun, not part of the thing that you're worrying about.

Yeah, you can get so much good information based on what a guy decides to do for his first date. And it doesn't have to be a fancy steak dinner. Okay, it doesn't have to be that. It could certainly be a fun like local dive bar, but there's like fun arcades that he likes to play with you and takes you on an amazing ride. You might show up to that place and be like, oh God, what is this? But you get in there, roll with it, see how it goes. Because you are the queen sitting in her throne, deciding if he is right for you. And how can you do that if you get into planner mode, so very important, don't do it. The second one, that a scenario that comes up a lot. We've seen this, Gary, with a lot of our clients where a guy will be like, yeah, let's meet up maybe this upcoming weekend. Or he doesn't even say that, but he hits you up for a last minute date. He messages you on a Friday or Saturday night. Don't do it. If it's last minute, don't do it. Because you need to respect your time. He should respect your time. And it kind of sends the wrong message. If he sends you a text on a Friday at 5pm and is like, hey, you want to grab a drink at 6? And you're like, yes. Oh my God, I've been waiting all week for you to say yes, please take me on this date. Guess what? Low value vibes, it's sending him the wrong signal. And by the way, he hasn't earned it. He hasn't earned it because he hit you up last minute. So don't do it.

I just, I just gotta say, I love how excitedly you said yes right there. You're like, yes, yes, please take me on a date. That's really good. It's a really good point because you're gonna want to go. Some awesome guy's gonna call you last minute, text you last minute, you're gonna want to go and every part of you is going to want to go. But just don't, don't. It's. You got to think long term. You gotta, you gotta plan for the long game.

And just a side, just a side note, you should have such a full, our clients have such a full social calendar that they wouldn't be available on a Friday or Saturday night. They're not just suddenly sitting at home waiting all weekend for a guy to hit them up last minute. No way. So the easiest way to combat that situation never happen is to actually have a busy social calendar so that you could never accept a last minute date.

Yeah. So another part of this planning process that is inevitable, part of modern dating is texting. There's a lot of texting you can do messaging on a dating app, back and forth, back and forth. And so one of the most common questions, like how much texting should I do with somebody before I meet them? And so texting is really something you should save for planning and just kind of the logistics of the first meetup. Texting is a horrible, let me repeat that horrible way to get to know somebody because you can't read their facial expressions, you can't read tone of voice. It's impossible to decipher texts accurately, particularly with someone who you do not know. And so you get to know enough about them from their profile, et cetera. Minimal text is possible. Once you feel it's okay, go. When in doubt, go. Start from a mentality of yes at this stage, because meeting somebody in person is going to give you as much possible information as you can as soon as you can. And that's what you want. You could text the guy for weeks. Feel like you're getting to know him and really not know very much at all.

Correct? Absolutely. All of the good stuff we as humans, we are designed for in life connection, real humanoid life, face to face. Get to know each other. Okay, not via text, because let me tell you, you start to ask him about what he wants in a relationship, what he wants out of life. You learn everything about him from age 4 to 45 and suddenly you're like, oh my God, I know everything about him. And then bam, you see him in real life and you're like, this isn't what I expected. Because you build this storyline, this picture of this human being, and it can. And when it's incongruent, which it always will be, then you kind of get thrown off. So we recommend. Yeah. Logistically, of course, you're gonna have to text a little bit, maybe a little bit of flirtatious vibe, maybe. But that's not for the deep conversations. Wait till you meet them in real life. That's where the real texting goes. Now, on that note, should he pick you up at your house? This is another big question we get. Should he come pick us up? The answer is an obvious heck, no. Now do not do it, especially if he's a stranger from the interwebs. All right? We don't give out our address. We don't. You know, most people know not to do this, so I'm not going to spend too much time on this. But once someone knows where you live, they can't unknow where you live. So be cautious.

Yeah. And just don't let, you know, your kind and caring nature get the best of you there. Because it sounds like, oh, isn't he nice? He's going to do the driving. He's going to come pick me up. It sounds like a nice thing. Where you live is a special step. Right. And not everybody should be able to get to that special step. And so you want to kind of reserve that for several steps down the relationship path.

Yeah. Once he gets to your house and if he's. Especially if he's in your house, I guarantee he's thinking about going to one special room in that house with you. And so let's. You know, let's slow it down before he actually gets to that house, you know, until you've really vetted this guy out and know him.

Which special room? The kitchen. Is that the kitchen?

Oh, you can get a little freaky in the kitchen. Oh, my God. That sounds. That sounds a little crazy, you know?

All right, all right.

I could go down a deep rabbit hole.

I'm gonna cut you off right there, pal. I'm gonna cut you off right there, Chef Adam. All right, so you've done all the planning. Now we're at the day of the day of the date. So most common question. What should I wear? Here's the thing. You want to wear something that makes you feel confident, something that you look good in. And importantly, you're not doing this for him. The mentality here isn't, what can I wear? That's going to impress him and make him think I look good. No, no, no, no. You pick something that you feel Good in that you feel confident. You're wearing it for you, not for him. And this is your first step towards having the confidence to carry off an amazing first date.

Love it. Love it. And on that idea of confidence, how do you get into that confident mindset before a date? How do you get into that flow where you're excited? Because we all know. Well, maybe we don't all know, but within the first 30 seconds to a minute of meeting someone, we want to be radiating a vibe of excitement, positivity, radiating this feminine incredible energy that he wants nothing more than to just be closer to. And, and how do you get yourself into that positive state before a date? Well, the key is to have some type of pump up routine. It could be something silly dancing around your place, have some music. One of my personal favorites is playing comedy. Like one of my favorite comedians that I just know will make me laugh. Do that on the way to the date and you will be in a much more playful mood. Or my other favorite thing I would do is I had a friend, we're not as close anymore, which is sad, but I'm thinking back 15 years when I was single and, and he was like my comedian friend. And I would always call him before a date. Cause he was just the most hilarious dude I knew. And he would just get me laughing. We'd be talking about nothing. I wouldn't even talk about the date. But he'd just get me to a good vibe, get my lips moving so that I'm not going on this date. I'm totally cold. The worst thing that we can do is be sitting at home on Zoom all day on our computer, doing this or not on Zoom, just typing away. And, and they'd be like, oh, I got a date. I haven't talked to anyone and I haven't even left my house yet. Today I'm gonna go on this date. Guess what? You're gonna show up with terrible energy, low energy. You're not gonna be in the right mindset. So find a way to get yourself into that state where you're just excited, you're clicking and it's ready to go.

Yeah, I know. One of the things our clients mention all the time is, you know, playing some music that they like, dancing around their kitchen, dance around the living room a little bit, just kind of getting in that vibe of. And it's very much a separation between work self, home self, and social self. And that's, that's a really important thing to get a handle on. The last one for the day of the date is just kind of a word of caution, which is be safe. And that's make sure everybody knows where you're going, who you're going with. You know, have a designated person that just you, you just want to make sure that somebody knows where you're going, the person you're meeting, and update that person if you happen to switch location. This was something we did as a, as a special event with our clients back in April. We have, you know, in the love strategy staff someone who's an, a former detective. And so we had him come on and do a special. It was like an hour and a half session just of all the different things you can do dating safety wise. And this is just sort of the most basic common sense version of that is just, you know, make sure other people know where you're at and update as you go.

Are you getting tired of the guys who don't want to commit and are you ready to attract that long lasting relationship? Well, for podcast listeners, we have a very special training that is available, available at he commits.com when you go over there, you can go ahead and reserve a seat. We are going to walk you through the five secret strategies that make men commit. I want you to discover your power and make guys beg for your affection. Go to he commits.com and you can dive deep into that content. All right, back to the pod. I love that. I love that. Ever since he's come on the staff, we also, for our highest level clients, we do background checks on guys. Not before a first date. Unless there's, you know, if you're going into a date and you're really concerned about it, you probably shouldn't go on the date. But like it's, it is helpful as you get to know someone three, four dates in to do a background check just to make sure things kind of all check out. That's been actually very, very helpful as well. So I'm getting ahead of things. So let's talk about going on the date. And the first question that we get a lot is like, how should I think of the first date date? Like, what is the right mindset? Or like, what is the goal of a first date? And the question might be, is it to find the man of my dreams?

No.

Is it to fall madly in love on the first date? No. Is it to get knocked off my chair because the chemistry is so hot and heavy and I just can't keep my hands off him? No, it's really none of those things. At the end of the day, it's for you to have fun. It's for you to get to know the other person and see if there's alignment between what he looks like online and who he was online versus who he is in real life. That is, of course, assuming you met him online. That's really it. That's the most you're gonna get on a first date. You know, second dates, third dates, moving forward, you get a much closer feel for whether or not you're compatible with them, whether there's friendship, potential. All the other things that we really recommend our clients do further on in the dating process. But the first date, we gotta keep it low stakes so that we don't put all of this pressure on this date. And pressure will. Will only create more anxiety for you at the end of the day. Go out there, have a little bit of fun, see if there's a click. If not, no problem. Next, moving on. If there is a click, great. We'll learn more on the second date.

I gotta tell you, I love that one, right? Cause this is. This is what I love about what we do in terms of thinking about love strategically. It's mindset matters so much. And calibrating your mindset, because how many people go on a first date, you know, just putting all this pressure on themselves and thinking, I got to meet the man in my dreams, and they're being impatient about it. And just all these things that are so typical lead to the wrong decision. And so just as simple as, like, hey, look, you're just there to have a good time and meet somebody. It's not about finding the man, your dreams, or like you said, being knocked off your chair. I think that's just brilliant. So that's. That. That's a really good one. I think another one that's really important on that first date is don't jump to conclusions. We talked about this on a previous podcast. This idea of fibbing to yourself, which is filling in the blanks. You don't know this person yet. So it's really easy to kind of fill in all the missing information with good stuff, particularly if initially you're a little bit attracted to them. They're a little bit funny, they're a little bit charismatic. All the missing pieces, you're like, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, right? It all seems positive. And if you start getting in this mindset, you start doing a little armchair psychology where you start looking for things that are signs, right? And you hear people, like, there, it's a sign. We had dinner. We met at 6, 15 you know why that's important. I'll have a. Have a client say this. I'll be like, no. And I'll be like, 12 is my lucky number. And I'm like, huh? And it's like, six plus one plus five. I'm like, of course. Of course. Right?

And it's like, oh, my God.

From the outside looking in, it's really easy to see that. Or someone will be like, he had a dolphin on his shirt. And when I was six years years old, dolphins were my favorite animal. It's like, okay, right? And it's. This is just something. We get it. First dates are exciting. Parti. Particularly if he's good at first dates. It's going to be. And just don't get ahead of yourself. You know, this is a whole other podcast, too, but this slowing down and pacing and not getting ahead of yourself is a really big deal. And so it starts on the first date and just being aware of it, your job is not to make assumptions. It's to be curious and just slow yourself down just a little bit. Yeah.

And even before the date, don't fib yourself. I've been using your fib yourself thing a lot lately. I've been fighting. It really is an important concept, which you're filling in the blanks because a lot of people do it before a first date. They'd be like, well, I saw in his online dating profile that he had a friend there, and his friend was wearing this shirt that had a Harley Davidson thing on it. He must be in a motorcycle gang or whatever it is. And you're like, what are you talking about?

You who.

Like, this is like, one example of many. But we're all, like, trying to play detectives throughout the process and creating these ridiculous narratives. And I get it. We all fall into this trap. So this isn't like, you know, a negative on you. It's just, we gotta catch our brain when we start doing that, going to these dates. Now another question we get, which is about flirting. How much should we really flirt on these dates? And look, we've spent so much time talking about flirting. Um, we, you know, have an entire course that's focused on flirting. It's very, very important. And it's a great way to build that chemistry with a person. Get. Have that amazing vibe with a guy when you're dating. But I want to make it really clear on a first date, we do not want to be giving that sexual vibe. We want to be sensual, not sexual. Because, believe it or not, a lot of women will go on a first date and be quite sexual, they will come out and say, like, you know, let's skip this whole thing and go back to your place. I once had that happen, and I was like, what? That's. Like, that's. And, like, the moment that happened. And I can't believe I'm talking about this in public, but whatever I said it. So the moment that happened, a part of my brain was like, that is so exciting and awesome. I can't believe that just happened within, like, 10 minutes of being on a date. But then the other part of my brain was like, there's no way I'm going to be seeing this woman ever again. Like, because it just. She's not the type of material I'm looking for. I haven't even earned that. Like, it hasn't. And we. We didn't go back to my place because I was like this. It's just not interesting to me to just do that, honestly. So, you know, be sensual, not sexual. Be playful. Be teasing him a little bit. You could always say, you know, you're going to have to do better than that if you want to win me over for a second date. You know, things like that, that's great type of flirting, but it doesn't have to be the incredible, you know, talking about sex and your favorite positions and things like that. Now let's save that for much further down the line in the dating process.

Yeah. And very much related to all the flirting stuff is one of the biggest concerns people have on a first date is, what if we run out of things to talk about? Like, what should we talk about? And frankly, what most people default to is just a list of questions picking up basic information. And now that's what everybody does. And so we actually, we talked about this on a whole other podcast about asking captivating questions. But here's one. And this is the kind of thing you want to do. You want to ask questions like, what's something you're really proud of but you rarely get acknowledged for? Like, that's a darn good question. And that's much better than, where did you grow up? What's your job? Like, everyone asks about jobs, and they get it. Like, that's part of their life. But you can find yourself in a half an hour conversation, listen to this man talk about the ins and outs of his job that no one wants to be there for. Right. And so don't set yourself up for failure.

Boring jobs are so boring to talk about. I can't even tell you. It's just the lamest direction of a conversation one can go in. And here's a little hack when it comes to asking questions. Whatever question you have, if you use that question or many others that we've provided, be prepared with a really good answer. So find a question that gives you good insight into men that you also have a really good answer for. Because if he's a high value guy and he's really interested in getting to know you, likely he's going to answer and then he's going to ask you the same question in return. And that's it. So now you have an opportunity to share a part of you that you're really proud of, but you rarely get acknowledged for.

Yeah, and the other good part of that too is, you know, every once in a while you're gonna ask this kind of question. Every once in a while a guy's gonna be like, huh? Because no one asks these kind of questions. And so if you have your own response kind of at the ready, say, and I'm gonna give you a chance to think about, I'll let you. Here, here's my answer. And then you give them just a little bit of time to kind of catch up. That way, you know, everyone, the thing everyone dreads on the first date is like awkward silence. And so this just gives you a little bit of your 99 times out, 100 aren't going to need it. But just knowing you have it in your back pocket also gives you a little boost of confidence.

Amen. Amen. Now question I've gotten probably 10,000 times over the past decade plus of doing this, which is how do I get a guy to like me or how can I impress a guy on a first date? And I get it. That's like why we're all here, right? We want to get people to like us. We want to get be able to win over high value people throughout the dating process. And I used to ask that question myself when it came to women. Like, how do I get a girl to like me? The problem is having done this for so long and worked with thousands of clients over the years, it's actually the wrong question to be asking. The real question is, how can he impress you? He is there to win you over. You are the qualifier. He is the one who has to step up. So this is very much so a mindset shift. That's why we have an entire little love step dedicated to this little love step number four, which is qualifying your dating options. That entire little love step is focused on dating in particular. And if you want to learn all the little love steps? I'll just say it. Go to thelovesteps.com we have an entire step by step, free training there. So, anyways, just so y', all, for those who don't know what the little love steps, you know that that is available to you, but the key to all of this is knowing that he is really there to impress you. And this really allows him to step into that kind of more masculine mode of wanting to win you over.

Yeah. And, you know, it's about being interested, not interesting. And so be curious, ask a lot of questions, find out a lot of information. Ironically, as much as this seems like the opposite of what you thought you should be doing, when you ask somebody a lot of questions and they get to talk about themselves, we people love talking about themselves. And so the fact that you're asking questions that are setting him up to talk about himself, you're learning things. He gets to talk about himself. Win, win, win, win, win.

Absolutely. And just a side note, I don't know if we get to this later. I forget. But if a guy talks about himself a little too much on a first date, don't immediately write him off, please. Because men, by nature are trying to impress you. That's like. That's what men do on a first date. Now I get it. No one wants to be on a first date where a guy's talking for three hours, and in some situations, it's like, next. But a lot of times when a guy's on a first date, he's going to do a lot of talking. He's going to try to impress, he's going to try to win you over. But on the second date, then he kind of takes his dating mask off and you get to know the real guy, and suddenly he's going to. It's going to be much more of an equal balance. You know, that's not always the case. But a lot of women will get very turned off and be like, this guy was just talking. He was telling me about all of his accolades and all these things he's done. And I'm like, yeah, he's trying to win you over. You know, is that the right way to do it? Would I coach him to do that? No, I wouldn't. But he does. He's not in a coaching program. He doesn't know any of this stuff. He's not listening to podcasts like this. You are. So it's like, you know, what are we looking for? Are we optimizing for a perfect first date or are we optimizing for a lifelong relationship? If we're optimizing for a lifelong relationship, you got to give some of these guys a second chance. Because a lot of times the second, third, fourth date, that's where you get to know the real human being well.

And remember, you know what he's the most afraid of? Silence. He's afraid of silence. He's afraid of the conversation going dead and not knowing how to start it back up. And so when in doubt, talk about things that you know. And so he's just, he's killing time, right, because he, he wants to win you over and he doesn't want it to get awkward. Right?

Dude, when you said that, I just like, I went back into my brain of this moment when I was at a bar talking to a girl and I liked her a lot, but. But it went silent and then she just did one of these looks like left to right. And I was like, it's over. And then I, you know, and I'm trying to do all my doodads, like trying to get. Talking all this stuff, like, woo, you know, waving my hands. But you know, it's a real thing for guys where, you know, if too much silence exists, it can actually really kill the conversation. So understanding where they're coming from is really helpful with that. So sometimes we might overdo it, and some guys way overdo it. Sometimes guys way overdo it. But hey, you know, it's okay.

And, and that's just the importance of, you know, we're talking a lot today about the first date. You know, the second date starts. You want to establish patterns, right? You can't get a pattern out of one time. And one date's not going to give you a pattern. The second date, super informative, right? So, so back to this first date. The other thing, you know, that's a really common question about that date is should I show him that I like him or should I pretend that I don't like him, which is more effective in kind of winning him over. And what I would say to that is neither, because it's not an either or kind of thing of like what you should or shouldn't do. You, what you should do all at all times is be authentic. If you like him, you can show that you like him. If you don't like him, that's okay. Don't pretend that you like him. Be polite and kindly. Don't be mean. But if, if you really don't like a guy, don't go out of your way to pretend otherwise, because that's inauthentic. You. What we want more than anything in life, and particularly in dating and early on, is clarity. We want to know where we stand. That's what guys want to know. They want to. No one wants to be out there wasting their time. So be clear. Here's the other thing is, if you do like them, there's a. A standard psychological principle of attraction known as the principle of reciprocity. We like others who like us. Right? Adam knows I like him. That makes him like me more. I do, right?

I like you.

I like you a lot.

I like it a lot. That's. Oh, my God.

But. So you might as well just be authentic and clear about how much you like somebody. Right? So there's a really cool way to do this, I think, which is just saying something to the guy, like, you know what's cool about you, and you pose that as a question. You give it a beat, you make him think, huh, I don't know what. And then you just give him a compliment. And he's. Every person on the face of this earth, every man that you're going to date on the face is going to be like, super jazzed to hear whatever comes next after you know what's cool about you, they're going to love it. And so they're going to know, hey, she's kind of into me without it being sexual, without being weird. It's just a kind of an offhand kind of compliment. Super duper effective.

I love that one because especially the word cool. And I'm not a big, like, cool guy. But it's not like, you know what I absolutely love about you? It's not over the top because they don't know, you know, you don't know them yet. It's just like, you know what's really cool about you is that you like to Kaiser or like, whatever you're really into, you know, extreme sports or whatever it is, you know. Now I'm paying myself compliments right now. That's what I'm trying to do at the moment. Cause it's all about me. This is my narcissism kicking in? No, but I think it's a really low temperature way of being able to express interest. Also breaking the touch barrier, making eye contact, nodding. It's pretty easy to show a guy that you're into him just by listening and paying attention. A lot of guys will go on dates and the woman's just not even there. You could tell she's just not interested at all. Not engaged. And it's like, okay, well, lost another one just by the fact that you're there. And if you say something like that, oh, my God, that's a big win. Now let's get into wrapping up the date. And towards the end of the date, the big billion dollar question everybody has, Gary, which is. Drumroll. Who should pay? Who should pay? God, how many articles on the Internet are there about this very one question. We take it very simply, which is if it's a first meetup or if it's a first date, just offer to split or pay the tip. Okay, Very simple. Now, if he declines and says, no, I've got it, simply smile and say, thank you so much. Pretty straightforward. If on the other hand, he says, oh, okay, yeah, that's fine, we can split it then. Split it. And don't judge him for it because you offered and that is it. It really doesn't have to be much more than that. I get it. It's within our DNA for a woman to want the man to just pay. And that's how it should be. But there is a level of politeness that goes into the dating process of just offering to split a check with a perfect stranger, because at the stage he really is that. I know some of you aren't going to like this very much, but that's what I would recommend. Now, if he does pay for it and you're like, you really want to have the reciprocity? Go pay for dessert somewhere or the after dinner drink. That's what Jessica did with me. We had an amazing dinner. I paid. And then she's like, you know what? Let's go get an espresso martini. We're in the north end of Boston. And I was like, done. And she's like, just so you know, I'm buying. I was like, done. Let's go. That's it. Pretty simple, right?

Yeah. I mean, and that's the thing is, like, this is like one of those areas that I think, you know, we talked about. We opened with over worrying and overthinking. This is one that people overthink all the time. And, you know, I, I just. One, one last defense of guys who say to split. This does not mean everything. You may think it means. It could be that, oh, she offered. She might be offended if I pay the whole thing. And so we. Maybe we should split. You don't know where he's coming from. And a lot of times the guys who are splitting, they're doing it out of a nod of respect towards you. And, and out of a sense of equality. Um, it's not an insult.

Yeah, men are a bit confused these days about what to do. They're pretty confused.

Like, because he's thinking like this, he's thinking, this is a test. This is a test. She asked this question, how do I answer this question? I don't want to screw this up. And so, you know, give them, give him a little latitude.

Yeah, it's, it does. The thing is, it doesn't matter that much because like you said at the beginning, like, it's one data point. Now, if you're going on multiple dates, let's say you've gone on three dates and you find that he's a total cheap bastard and he makes you pay for everything, that's a different story. Now you have multiple data points and you've discovered that he's taking you to McDonald's and then footing you with the bill. Okay, now we've had a number of different data points. Next, next, next, next. But if on the first date it's a complete stranger, this is what happens. It's all good. It's all good. Let's move on. And, and keep an open mind for this guy. Don't write him off right, right off the bat.

Yeah, I mean, don't write people off too soon. This next one is about not getting too excited too soon. Right. And the question usually goes something like.

This are for it.

I had an amazing time and I want this date to last forever. Should we just keep it going? Like we plan on going to dinner, but, and that was amazing. But shouldn't we go for a walk? Shouldn't we go do this and this and, and like turn this into a six or seven hour marathon. And the answer is, as much as you want to do that, do not do it. Slow it down. Don't have your first date. Be your whole relationship. Maintain some mystery and, you know, end on a high note. If the first hour is amazing, perfect. End on a high note. Plan your next date for a week from now. But as much as you're going to want to keep it going, don't do it. This is. Remember, we're not trying to have amazing dates as our entire life experience. We're trying to date to set up ourselves for amazing relationships. Keep your eye on the goal, which is more long term and not. It's not all about tonight.

Perfect segue into our next point, which is him having that smooth move, which is, hey, so you want to come back to my place? Let me show you my CD collection. Which people still have, by the way, my record collection. You want to meet my dog? I know you love dogs. He's so cute. Why don't you come back? Or oh, you know what, I'll play the guitar for you. We've been talking about that. I have a second guitar. We could jam. You're not jamming on guitars if you go back there, all right? There's no jamming out together. You might be jamming out in a different way. In the kitchen maybe, but we're not doing that because. And it might seem really innocent, all this stuff, but at the end of the day, it does send the wrong message that soon. Don't be surprised if a guy tries. Men are going to try and they're going to go for it sometimes. Sometimes they won't. Sometimes they will and just politely decline. You know, and if you, you're interested in him, you like them, you can say as much as I like to. Definitely not that type of girl who just goes back to a guy's place this early. Right. And just by setting the tone that you're not that type of person. Or you could just simply decline and be like, no, no, no, not tonight. But it was really nice spending the, the evening with you and just decline and keep declining until we've gotten to a point where we built enough emotional attraction and enough connection on an emotional level. We get we actually know him as a friend before even considering making go sexual. Now big caveat to this is of course 99.9% of our audience is looking for long lasting love. That's what Love Strategies does. We take people who are single to long lasting love. If you are not in a stage in your life where you're looking for love and that could be for many reasons, you just want to date casually and that is like where you are at by all means. Like, this doesn't come from a place of judgment. This comes from a place of setting those who are in the audience. It's for setting those people up for a long lasting relationship. So that's the reasoning behind this. It's not a judgmental place. It's not shaming or anything like that. I've gone home with people after a first date because I would. I was at a stage where I was like, that's all I want to do. That sounds fun. And that's, that's totally okay. So that's my thinking on that.

Yeah. And you know, just remember every time you don't go home with them, you're building value. Right. And so people Think, oh, I'm going to lose them. You're not going to lose the guy that's right for you by not going home with him. Right. It only increases your value. And he's like, oh, she's not like the other people. Right. And it only is a potential positive. Very much related to this going back to his place idea is, should I kiss him? Like, should we kiss on the first date? And you know, our general guidelines for this is if you're feeling it. Absolutely right. Because again, a kiss is going to give you some information that you didn't have before. Here's the one caveat to this though. Don't go overboard, right? Like there's, there's a kiss isn't just a kiss. There's many different types of kisses. Right. This isn't going to be like a friend.

If you want Gary, go on.

So, you know, you have your 10 out of 10 kissing experience. That's, this is the first date's not the time in the place for your 10 out of 10, you know, kiss, give them a solid five, maybe a six. Right. Like, just don't go overboard. And remember, with this kiss thing, you're not obligated. Now, really funny. Related to this, we had a, had a client who was worried about this question about kissing. And so she did what most people do. She was very, I think this was her first mastermind, her first day or two in the program. And this, she wanted to ask about this. She said, you know, I'm not sure about kissing on the first date. So I asked my friend, we've all done that, right? Yes. And what her friend's advice was was you can avoid this whole kiss thing by just ending the date with a handshake. Oh, and I, and I, like, audibly, almost did the exact. I was like, oh, gosh, no, no. Like, that's worse than no kiss. But. And like we all hear that now. Like, and everybody listening to this podcast just said the same thing in their head. Dear God, no. But this just highlights the problem of going to our friends for advice because it can, they can make it seem like a good idea. Obviously, a handshake screams friend. It sends all the wrong messages. You're not buying a used car. That's how you buy a used car. They go, thank you for doing business with me. But just like, as much as friends, advice is well intentioned, it's often terribly misinformed. And so all the more reason to date more with a strategy.

Yeah. I mean, look, when it comes to getting advice from anyone And I feel the same way in masterminds with clients who come in, they're like, adam, I've been talking to a friend, and they think. And I'm just thinking to myself, don't blow up. Don't do it right now, Adam. Like, you're gonna lose it. Please tell me about your. Your friend who's been single for 10 years and divorced three times. Please tell me about their dating advice that's working for them. Which brings me to the point of, like, not to be a jerk about it, but, like, the reality is, when we're seeking advice, you want to seek it from credible people who have actually done it successfully. That's what we're looking for and who are familiar with you. And that's why a lot of people go to their friends for advice, because they're familiar. They know you. The problem is that they have no credibility. So that's why coaching is so helpful, because they're not only familiar with you and your situation, but also they are credible and know exactly what to do. So it's a good thing to keep in mind anytime we're getting advice, because people talk a lot about getting good advice, but they don't talk a lot about the neck, the downside of bad advice, and how much that can actually hurt you. Sometimes bad advice is way worse for you even than how good advice can be good for you. Like, it can really set you off just thinking of this woman giving poor guy a handshake at the end of a date. God. God save us. So after the date, what do we do afterwards? Should I text him after the date? Abso freaking lutely. Thank him for a nice time. You know, I really enjoyed spending time with you. You know, if you have an inside joke where you talked about guitars or CD collection, you can mention that, you know, let's say you talked about a CD collection. I don't know why that's top of mind right now, but let's say you have a CD collection. He has one too. You could be like, I think I'm going to pop in a CD for whatever it is. It was really nice hanging out with you. You know, something a little bit playful. And that's it. There we go. Quick, easy. And that's just sending him that. That one touch point just so he knows that, hey, this went pretty well. There's a pause response, and then see what he does from there. That's how I advise it.

Yeah, like, who knows where this is going, but you're off to a good start. Like, give him a little encouragement, give him a little crumb that. That tells him very clearly that this is good. And you're interested. Of course, only if you are. But like Adam said, you know, if it was about CD collections, you know, a joke about throwing a CD in your boombox, maybe that applies.

I wonder if, like, our younger audience members are like, what's a cd? I don't think we have many younger audience members, but, like, there's probably like a thousand of them who are like, what is a CD?

Oh, no. And it's all coming back. You waited five more years. Everyone's going to have CDs again. Just like vinyl.

I mean, vinyl is insane right now. Like, my wife is super into vinyl, and that's like, the big craze. But I don't know about CDs. I don't know, man.

What is.

What is a USB thumb drive going to be coming back sometime? Like, I don't think so.

It all comes back around, man. It all comes back, oh, I threw.

Away all my CDs.

Here. Here's one other thing that. That comes back a little bit. We touched on this a little bit earlier, but it's like, after the date, if it went well, you're going to immediately start thinking, when can I see him again? How about I just see him again tomorrow? Like, today went. So Friday was amazing. Like, let's just see him tomorrow or let's see him Sunday. How soon can I possibly see him again? And again. Don't do it. Slow down. As much as you really, really want to see him, slow it down. Pace things. You have to be clear, though, when you're doing it, when you're giving him a week even, he might want to meet you in two days. Say, as much as I'd really like to, I'm busy. Let's wait. And this is. And you can be clear and say that this is not any indication of me not liking you. Rather, it's the opposite. Because I'm feeling like I like you so much, I want to take things slow. I want to do this right. And remember, like, it builds extra tension into the relationship, and that's really good.

Yeah, for sure. I love that. I mean, I wouldn't. Maybe I wouldn't say I like you so much right after the first date, but that might be further along in the process. You know what I'm saying? And it's an appropriate way to date, in a healthy way. It's totally appropriate. What we're trying to avoid is we go on a really good date. Like, you've gone on three dates with all these duds and you're like, man, I'm gonna move slow with those guys. And then you meet a guy who, oh my God, you have so much in common. He's super hot, you're really excited about him. And then it's like you see him on Friday night, then he's like, oh, let's go for brunch Saturday morning. You do Saturday brunch and then you go back to his place, you sleep together. Before you know it, by Sunday you're practically living together. That's what we're trying to avoid. Slow it down, pace it, give it some time. And once you have more time, you're gonna have more data on whether or not this guy's right for you.

And every once in a while, there's going to be a guy who's in a race to get to date three or four because he knows that, you know, that's when the physical stuff might be more likely to happen. So this is also a safety mechanism in terms of weeding out the guys that you don't want to be with because you're looking for long term relationships, right?

So true.

All right, so now here we are. We're at the very end. We promised there was going to be the one question people don't think to ask, but absolutely should. And so this is the question of how can I make the most out of each date? And so what we mean by that is, you know, we, we talk a lot about starting to date strategically and being a little bit smarter about how we date. And so a lot of the process behind that is a reflection process on how that date went. Right? So there's going to be how you feel during the day, there's going to be how you feel right after the day. But really, like, you want to check in with yourself a day or two later, like kind of checking on that dating afterglow to see what has really come of it. And so one of the things one of our clients does, which now I, she, this is an amazing suggestion. And now I suggested everybody, which is she keeps. And it's actually literally a little black book, but it can be any color, but it's like a little notebook where each person, she has like a little, puts it a name at the top, writes down a few things about the date, writes a little bit of reactions about what did I find interesting about him? What set this person apart? What other questions do I have for this person? So when, if they go on a second date? There's certain things to follow up on, because if you're doing like we suggest and you're dating a couple people or talking to a couple people, it's just helpful to keep it straight. And it's very much in line with something we talked about on a previous podcast. This idea of using intuition, but using intuition in an informed and thoughtful way.

Yeah, I love that. And one thing I found with our clients is when they first start going through the little love steps and start getting out there, sometimes it can feel like things aren't clicking at first because we're doing something different and we're doing something new. So anytime we try something new, it suddenly is a little outside of our comfort zone. And we're like, whoa, I'm not so sure about this. And the thing is, within a month, they get very comfortable with those things, and that's when their dating life starts to explode. And so by keeping track of your dates or keeping track of what we call your social score, you know, every guy you're meeting, I know it sounds crazy to most people. What happens is a month into working with us, they look back at their first week and they're like, I have grown so much. Like, it just reminds you of, like, oh, my God, I totally forgot about that guy. With that date with Frank when I X, Y, and Z. And it just allows us to have this moment where, like, momentum is starting to take place and that starts to snowball and you start to feel better about yourself, which then creates more momentum, and it just continues to snowball from there. So by having some type of tracking, you can do it in a black book. You can do it, you know, with love strategies, with everything we do in our community. It's incredible just looking back at your progress, and I did that myself. In fact, Gary, it's funny that you brought this up, because this weekend I'm going on a bachelor party, and it's with my old buddy. I won't say his name, but we used to keep track of our dates. And I went back to, like, this. This literally. We had a Google Doc with, like, our dates to. To do a similar thing, and it was the same one. We were such nerds. I can't believe I'm saying this in public, but I found it. I found it. This is coming out. This is coming out on the bachelor party. So, yes, it's gonna be really interesting for me to go back, like, 15 years into, like, some of my dates, because it's pretty wild, man. It's pretty wild.

So I'm just glad that you didn't say you had like a spreadsheet and charts and all. I mean, as nerdy as a Google Doc is, it could be worse, I suppose.

I mean, it's not like it's. It's not what you all might think. It's not like a hit sheet or it's not like women you slept with. It's like a first date. It's exactly what we're talking about. It's just like what first dates have we gone on because we were kind of each other's accountability partners, like, trying to like improve and get better at this whole dating thing.

So as much as I joke, if it matters, measure it right? I mean, it's like a standard thing and if it matters, track it. Like you track your weight every day. There's other things you track every day, your investments, whatever. But like, we don't think to do some of these very basic things with what perhaps is the most important part of our life, which is our relationships. And so, all joking aside, I think the Google Doc or Black book or whatever mechanism you want to use is a really smart way to track progress, gain insights, and date more strategically.

Amen. So get out there, go on some dates, have an exhilarated time, and thank you, Gary. That was a really fun one. Appreciate it.

Thanks, Adam.

All right, thank you so much for being a part of the Love Strategies community. By getting to the end of the podcast, you have proven that you are a high value woman who deserves a long lasting relationship and we would love to help you get there. So what I recommend you do is go to loveapply.com and you can claim a free love Strategy session where someone on my team is going to get on a call with you on a zoom session, be able to understand your challenges and see whether or not we can help you make that a reality this year. So head on over to loveapply.com apply for that free love strategy session and we cannot wait to help you attract that man you truly deserve. All right, thanks for being here.