How to Break Your “Bad Boy” Habit

So how do you break your bad boy habit? Why is it that you keep attracting these narcissistic, horrific men who are just sucking all your emotional energy dry and making you wonder why it is you ever chose to start dating again? Well, that's what we're going to be talking about today. And the big idea behind all this is that in life, and especially in dating, we tend to gravitate toward what's comfortable for us, but not necessarily what's good for us. In fact, I had a client as an executive love coach for those who are new to the channel. I had a client I was speaking with and she came to me and she was like, I continue to attract all the wrong guys. I've been doing it for the past 20 years. I don't know why it is that these guys seem to find me. I had this, what she called a bad boy habit. I'm like, I kind of love that. So I had a conversation with her, and I think I really helped her unlock this in her life. And I want to give you some of the cliff notes of that conversation, how it all went. So at the start of that conversation, I started breaking down, well, let's talk about what is a bad boy and why is it that you are attracted to him? So in my experience, when women say that they're talking to a bad boy, I always translate that into, I'm dating an attractive guy who doesn't want a relationship, but I'm sleeping with him, and the sex is really good. Basically, this guy has an edge to him. He's mysterious, he's really attractive. He kind of leaves you in the what if zone. What if it is a relationship? What if it's not? He's not really very clear about. About that. And that in some ways is kind of hot to you. And on top of that, he's the ultimate challenge, right? Like, if you think about it, healthy guys, healthy, commitment focused men who just tell you how they feel and what they want, that can be kind of boring, right? Whereas this guy, the bad boy, he's never that direct with you. In fact, you always kind of wonder where does you stand with this guy? And that kind of draws you to his energy constantly. And so if you are attracted to these types of guys, please give yourself a little bit of grace. I assure you, you are not alone in being attracted to these types of guys that, you know in your mind, they are terrible for you, but you just can't help yourself. But starting today, this all changes because you're gonna have a few tools in your toolkit to be able to avoid these types of guys. So let's talk about the first one, the first way to avoid these types of guys and for you to really rewire your neural pathways to a healthy man. Here's what I mean by that. If you were raised in an environment where you didn't have a very good parental dynamic and you've never seen what a healthy relationship really looks like, then you're going to be drawn to the type of men that really emulate the relationship that you saw growing up, whether it was from your mother or from your father. That type of dynamic is going to be very comfortable for you. And we've talked a lot about attachments styles here. If you've never taken an attachment style test, I highly recommend you do. But if you tend to be a little bit avoidant or a little bit anxious for different reasons, you may be attracted to these types of guys because, once again, it feels very comfortable for you. So your neural pathways have already been defined where, okay, if I'm with a guy who's a little bit hot and cold towards me, that feels very normal and therefore I'm going to lean in. But it doesn't mean that guy is good for you. So what lot of people will do to kind of rewire their brain chemistry is they'll go to therapy. And I'm all for therapy in a short period of time to overcome some of these challenges. If you need therapy, I am a huge proponent of it for a certain period of time, maybe not a lifetime of therapy. That's a different podcast. For a short period of time to really look towards your history and your past and understanding why it is we do what we do and who it is that we are today, I think that can be really helpful. But at the end of the day, therapy only gets you so far. And as a coach, I'm very biased towards taking forward action. And that's why, you know, we have many clients who work with therapists alongside of our coaching, and it's fantastic. That's a healthy mix. But I'm always biased towards just moving forward. So what does that mean for you when you're rewiring these neural pathways? Well, at the end of the day, when you start dating a guy who is really commitment focused, who brings you flowers, who's caring towards you, who shows up for you, who does what it is that he says he's going to do, when you date a guy like that, it's going to feel a little weird. I've had this Happen with so many clients where they go through our process. We call it the seven Little Love Steps. And they meet an incredible guy who wants to commit his life to that woman, who wants to spend time with her, who doesn't lie all the time, who's not some narcissistic crazy guy who's going to suck her soul dry, who's not going to make her life miserable. In fact, spending time with this man only makes her life better. And then I'll speak with the client, and they're wondering why everything feels just off with this guy. I don't know if I can really trust him. Should I really continue dating him? Or. I don't know, it just feels too uncomfortable for me. And the one piece of advice I always give is just hold, continue seeing this man, and I promise you, you're going to have a new weird. The longer you start dating guys who are healthy towards you, suddenly now it's going to feel weird to be with a guy who. Who is a bad boy. You just need to spend time in this new type of a relationship to understand what it really feels like and what it really looks like. And I've just seen it so many times over and over again, where historically, if they hadn't been working with us with coaching, they would have pulled away from this healthy relationship because it felt so weird. But they stuck with it. And within about a month, suddenly, now this is just their new normal. They're like, okay, this is fantastic. This is exactly what I wanted. And now I can really trust this guy. We're starting to build a real relationship. And holy crap, I now have a blueprint of what a really good relationship feels like. You know, I was thinking about this concept last week. I was actually on vacation, Turks and Caicos with my wife Jessica. And at Turks and Caicos, something is a little bit weird there for me because I'm from the U.S. i'm from Boston, and they drive on the other side of the road, they drive on the left side of the road. And guess what? I was that guy who decided to rent a car for the week and kind of see how it goes. And given that I've spent my entire life driving on the right side of the road, this felt a little bit weird on the first day. I mean, I was on the other side of the car, you know, doing the kind of turn signal was on the opposite side, is on the left side. I really had to focus, and I was in this total weird zone where everything I was doing was just focused on make sure I Don't get in a head on collision with a different car because I'm on the other side of the road. But what's crazy about this is within about a day I was like already using the radio, I was sipping my coffee, I was doing all the things that I would normally do if I was driving on the other side of the road. Sorry, I'm like kind of a crazy driver, but I was doing it on the left side of the road now because I built some new neural pathways. And I will tell you, by the end of the week, I was 100% comfortable driving on the left side of the road. In fact, this morning I had to drive to the gym for the first time back on the right side of the road. And that started feeling a little bit weird. So the point is, as humans, we are incredibly malleable. You can change, you can rewire your neural pathways, you just have to sit with the weird for a little bit and suddenly you will have a new normal. The second way of breaking your bad boy habit is all about online dating. Because I have a feeling that you're meeting a lot of your bad boys online. And let me tell you, the bad boys, their online dating profiles are pretty damn cool. They know what they're doing, they know how to create those perfect pictures that just attract a lot of women. And in fact, with online dating, the top 10% of men's profiles get 90% of the attention from women. Women just gravitate towards those types of profiles. Therefore those guys are getting a lot of options. They're dating a lot of different type of women and they might be sleeping around. Here's the kicker. Just because they have a top 10% profile doesn't mean that they're actually top 10% guys. They just might know what they're doing and how to market themselves to be amazing. They're not actually that cool if you meet them in real life. Maybe you've seen that. So the way we advise our clients to online date is live by what we call the rule of three. When you're sending out messages, and yes, I do want you sending messages to these guys, we'll show you exactly how to do it. If you want some help on how to online date, set up your profile, all that stuff, we're here to help you. Just go to loveapply.com we'll get you set up and make sure that you have an amazing profile profile and the whole strategy, all that stuff. But I digress. When you're getting out there and online dating, we do Recommend sending messages first messages, no problem. But send one message to a reach profile that might be a top 10% profile. Send one message to an what you consider to be an average profile, which is just like kind of like regular, everyday, like, I'm comfortable with this type of guy. And then send one message to a profile that's actually a little bit questionable. That's the rule of three. And if you're sending, let's say nine messages in a given day, which could be healthy, then you're going to be sending three reaches, three average profiles, and three kind of like, I'm not so sure about that profile. What it does is helps you broaden your horizon from just focusing on these bad boys who are going to take you out to dinner and then just take you home and try to sleep with you to really exploring all the other types of guys that are out there. And when you do this, here's the crazy thing, you're going to notice that when you go out and meet the guys who might be quote, unquote, average or the guys who might even be questionable when you meet them in real life, oh my God, you're going to find that those are actually the top 10% guys out there. That's the secret. And finally, the most important way to break your bad boy habit is to listen to the guy when he tells you he doesn't want a relationship. Look, actions matter more than words. Except when he says the words he doesn't want a relationship. I don't care if he is taking you out to these amazing dinners, he's texting you every morning, telling you how beautiful you are, yada, yada, yada. If he's doing all that, but he says he's not ready for a relationship, listen to those words. Those words carry a lot of weight. It takes a lot for a guy to say that and be so open with a woman. And if he says that and you continue dating, dating him, even though you want a relationship, guess what? It's on you if you get your heart broken because he told you, he warned you, he gave you that blaring red light signal that he wasn't ready for anything and you move forward anyways. So take those words for what they mean. I don't want a relationship, but I will continue sleeping with you. And to close the loop on that client I told you about at the beginning of this video, once she started taking these ideas into her love life, in her dating life, she found that dating became less anxious, it became more calm, she felt more empowered throughout the whole process. She doesn't have to guess anymore or feel confused or feel like everything's so complicated and in many ways she can just show up as herself. And so if you find yourself constantly stuck in these types of situations, this is what we're here for you. I want you to have fun in your love life. I want you to have less anxiety. I want you to have dating feel exciting again. And that's what we do around here. So if you found any of this to be helpful for you again, we would love to work with you and jump on what we call Love Strategy Session. We will dive deep into some of the patterns that you might have in your love life that's leading you into the arms of a bad boy. See if we can create a path for you to attracting that man and that relationship you truly deserve. Head on over to loveapply.com we'll leave a link in the description and I hope you enjoyed this video. I hope this helped set you free and leave a comment right there below. If you've had a pattern of attracting seeing those bad boys and what's helped you, share it with the community and I will speak to all of you beautiful ladies next week. Bye bye.