How to Break Your Bad Boy Habit

Okay. In today's podcast, we are going to be breaking one of the most difficult habits that you might have right now in your love life, and that is breaking the bad boy habit. Gary, I think we're going to have to have a little bit of tough love today on this one. Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else. Backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, your relationship scientist, professor and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy.

It is going to be. This is something that so many of our clients bring to us. They'll start describing a guy and like, you know, he's thrilling, but he's distant emotionally. He's like mysterious. And it's like, he's so hot. And I'm like, no, no, he's toxic. It's not good.

No. I mean, that's the thing is like the bad boy type, they're super fun until they're not. Like, it's just one of those situations. It can be great for the first couple of weeks. It's great sex. It's great. You know, it might be emotional connection. He might sit in bed, look you in the eyes and tell you how perfect you are. But we all know where that leads us. And if you're sick of the heartbreak, the mixed signals, the wasted time, it really is time to ask yourself, like, why do you keep falling for the same trap? So in today's podcast, we're going to break that habit. We can't help you quit smoking. We can't help you quit drinking, can't help you quit anything. But we can help you quit the bad boy habit.

Yeah, and it's like what I say to clients a lot is, when are you going to just get tired of being tired with dealing with this kind of guy? Because so much of what keeps people in this habit, and we're going to get a little bit into this, but in a general term, it's the hope of something that's there, that's not there. Right. Like you're seeing a mirage and it's wishful thinking and you're hoping you're. You see this piece of him that's just not actually there. Because at the End of the day, edgy. And it's intriguing, it's interesting, but is it good in the long term? And it's like, do you want these qualities over the long haul? And the answer is probably not.

And, look, I want to give everyone a little bit of grace through this, because I think it is a requirement in life to learn these lessons through experience. Like, yeah, I'm sure, you know, you have a daughter, right? It's. It's one thing to teach someone something like, hey, watch out for these types of guys. It's another to experience it. And they're like, okay, I'm never going to do that again. But we're speaking to those today who, I think, struggle to learn the lesson. And it's. It's really just a matter of, first off, giving yourself some grace. A lot of people fall into this habit, and they get sucked in time and time again. But also to recognize that this is a habit and this is a pattern. But. And that this is breakable. This is actually breakable.

And that's. That's what makes our mission, what we do on this podcast, what we do at Love Strategy, so meaningful, is that we see on a regular basis, people have fallen into different habits, different patterns, then have the realization of, like, oh, my gosh, this is what I'm doing. Oh, wow. I never fully realized this. And once you get that kind of glimmer of hope, that aha moment, now all of a sudden, it becomes fixable. And so that's what we get to do on today's podcast, is kind of take you through that whole entire process all in the next 30 minutes.

Yeah, I love it. So, Gary, I mean, let's talk about the bad boy here.

Yeah.

All right. Do you think that, like, is there any psychology that comes into play, like, do women really prefer the bad boy over the nice guy? Like, is there anything to back this up?

You know what's great about this question is, like, I feel so often like I've been doing relationship science for a long time, several decades at this point. And it's very rare, I think, that relationship science actually answers the cool questions. But this is one of those times where it's like, this is a cool question. And there's actually research directly on, like, do women really prefer the bad boy? And the answer is, yeah, chicks dig the bad boy. Women are more attracted to guys who look proud and brooding, right? So they give women a bunch of pictures, and you look, you know, you kind of. What's the expression on the guy's face? Proud Smug, brooding. They're more attracted to that guy than happy smiling guys. Like, happy, smiling guy, not as attractive. Here's one of those times that guys get it right, though. Men, on the other hand, do prefer women who are just plain happy. And so women want that brooding, deep in thought, mysterious kind of bad boy look instead of the smiling guy. And. And men actually want a smiling woman.

That's so true. I mean, well, men. I've coached so many men. And when a man walks into a room and is single and looking to approach a woman, he's looking for the woman who is least likely to reject him horrifically. So it's unlikely that he's gonna go for the quote, unquote, bad girl, because the bad girl is gonna be pretty mean to him. It's not gonna go well. You know, the. The woman with, like, the leather jacket who's, like, too cool for school and it's just, like, not digging any of it. Like, yeah, that can be kind of sexy. But at the same token, there's the woman next to her who's just smiling and happy. Go lucky. And is having a great time. It's like, no, I'm going with that 100 every time.

Yeah. Not. Not the one with the resting back off face who's, like, gonna look at you, be like, ew, gross.

Like, she's smoking her cigarette.

I don't know.

Do people still do that at the bar with, like, her red lipstick and it's like, drinking her Bud Light and just whatever. Get away from me, dude. Yeah. So I think for some reason that's attractive to women, obviously, minus the cigarette and minus the Bud Light and all that stuff. But, like, there is something to that which is interesting. So what makes, like, a guy a bad boy, would you say, in your opinion?

Yeah, and I think this is important to really define what a bad boy is, because I'm sure some of you are listening to this right now. Be like, I don't go for bad boys. Like, that's not my thing at all. Because we kind of know that sounds bad. And some of you are like, yep, that's me. You got me. But others are, like, not so sure. So here are some things that you might be going more for the bad boy than you think. And so I think the biggest one that's a little bit ambiguous and hard to pinpoint is bad boys are mysterious and intriguing. Like, they're unpredictable, they're inconsistent. One day he's all over you, the next he's kind of distant. He does this hot, cold, mixed Signal thing that keeps you hooked. Like, we know that that's a quote unquote bad boy because that's not good relationship behavior. Like that really shouldn't be appealing. But there's something about it that is. The other thing that guys do I think is acting alpha, right? And it's like, this is like a new bro thing to be is like, you know, I'm going to be this tough alpha guy. But really what it translates into in relationship is he's just putting himself first. He's acting more confident than he actually is. He needs his time, he needs his needs met. He can make you feel like you're being a little too needy or a little like, oh my gosh, you're being a little too much right now. That's another one of those alpha traits, definitely.

I mean, and I would say another one that I have some experience from going back into my 20s is kind of being the playboy type, you know, And I, I say that honestly, I wish I could go back in time and slap myself across the face. And that 24 year old kid who thought he was really cool, but he wasn't. But, you know, I kind of went down this, this path of, you know, going for the attention, going for the validation. And it was all about me at the time, my early 20s. And luckily I've learned those lessons and now I'm happily married for a very long time and it's fantastic. But these guys tend to play the field like, you're a bad, you're a bad boy because you have a lot of options and you are exploring those options, which makes you more mysterious and intriguing at the same time because you're not overly investing in relationships, you can feel more confident and be more alpha because you're getting all this validation from women. And throughout all of this, because you're a little bit of a playboy, you're also really good on dates. Like, you know what you're doing. It ain't your first date in 20 years. Like, he knows the first couple of sentences he's going to say on that date. He knows the questions to ask to make your heart flutter. Like, he knows how to just get under the hood and be able to connect with you and be able to look you in the eyes and tell you how special you are. Right? But the reality is there's no substance there because he's doing it with lots of other women and it causes him to play games, causes him to love bomb, causes him to breadcrumb, causes him to try and create jealousy at times. To elicit an emotional response for you from you. And all of this leads you to feel like you have to prove yourself and your love to be able to earn his attention. So no bueno. Bad boys, no go well.

And, you know, in psychology, we'd call all of these behaviors, to some. To some extent, it's all variable reinforcement. It's like, sometimes you're getting some good stuff. It's not there. You can't. The trick of bad boys, and I really think it's a magic trick, it's. They're not bad 100% of the time. Like, there's little. Little bits. Little breadcrumbs, little bits of goodness in there that's like, ooh, there it is, there it is, There it is. And want to really, like, work hard for those little things, and it causes you to try to convince yourself to overlook all the rest, and that's where you get yourself into trouble.

Well, that's a really important point that I think is worth mentioning, is that just because he's a bad boy doesn't mean he's a bad person necessarily. And that might be controversial, but there are many, many guys that I know my life that I've worked with who have gone through the bad boy phase because they are not ready for a relationship. But they are good guys. They might just be in a phase where they're not. They're. They're misaligned. They're kind of going down the wrong path. We've all gone through phases in our life where we're not proud of those moments, myself included, I'm sure, Gary, although you're pretty perfect, included. But, like, everyone's gone through that phase. And so what does that mean? It means that there's these, like, shimmers of light in this person. You're like, oh, I know deep down he's a good guy. Like, I feel like he's a good guy, but you have to remind yourself that he's going through a bad boy phase, which is not good. And you're not going to be the one to get him out of it. Right? You're not. That's a big one coming out of this.

What I think. You know, what's really interesting about what you just said is a lot of times he has no idea why he's acting like this. Like, I think so many guys. I don't know about your friends, but, like, all my guy friends, there's not a lot of deep awareness, right? There's a lot of just, like, reactivity, and it's like, you know, he's kind of doing a lot of these, what, quote unquote, bad boy, but it's not because that's authentically who it just feels right at the moment. And it kind of works. And so you just kind of keep drifting along and just bumbling your way through a lot of this. And I think that's important to realize is it's not for most men, purposeful scheming, intentional. It's just kind of dumb luck, accidental. And it's a phase, right?

Right, absolutely. So. So I think you have a little bit more research to come along. You were telling me before the pod, you were going to talk about, I think, the bad boys actually being bad for you, how much of a problem it is.

So the reality, Right. So I think I've heard this from clients, which is why I wanted to put this in the podcast is kind of the what's the harm? Like, this is just a phase for me too. Like, this is just what I want to do right now, and this is how I want to be.

And.

And to which I always just kind of respond with a physics lesson, which is like, inertia is real and so you can kind of be like doing something for a phase and then it becomes your reality. And so what seems like a starter partner maybe isn't that much of a starter partner. It's more of a, I thought it was going to be a starter partner and a short term thing that accidentally becomes a long term thing. And so the real danger in that is we have research on, again, we did some other cool research and relationship science on bad boys. Boys. And so this study was actually called one of the coolest relationship science titles ever, the Dangers of Dating a Bad Boy. Like, we never call things this cool, like this clear. But what actually they found was people spontaneously incorporate. Now that sounds academic, right? So basically, you take on traits of your bad boy partner. So when you're with somebody, you become very much like them. And so if your partner is inconsistent, maybe lacking empathy, not caring about other people, you start to take on some of those traits. This is what my colleagues and friends, we wrote a paper about all the different ways that relationships impact the self. This is a term we actually coined ourselves called self adulteration, where, like, you take on bad qualities from your partner and actually lowers your sense of self and makes you a worse partner by taking on your bad boy partner's bad traits.

So one thing you'll hear a lot on the podcast is us mentioning the seven little love steps. These are seven powerful yet simple steps that you can take in your love life to attract that man that lasts for the rest of your life. So if you don't know the seven little love steps, then I have a free training for you. It's completely free. Just head on over to the lovesteps.com you can go through that virtual training. I think you're going to really enjoy it and get a lot out of it and understand our exact framework for attracting that relationship you truly deserve. Again, that's the lovesteps.com. all right, back to the pod. It just shows the power of being intentional in your love life and how it's so, so dangerous to put this off. Like, we have a lot of clients and people who reach out to us or apply to work with us, and they'll get on a call with someone on my team and talk through their challenges, and at the end of it, be like, you know, I'm just kind of dating this guy. I'm having a good time. We'll just see kind of where this goes and, you know, I'll come back to you when I feel ready for a relationship. And our response is always like, no. Like, whatever you do, if you work with us or not, that's. I get it. That's your own prerogative. But whatever you do, do not just go with the casual chill and be like, you know, let's just kind of see where this whole thing goes. Because that road is a. It is a paved, perfect road to hell. To, like, love hell. The devil is there in your life where it's just like, yeah, I'm kind of busy with work. I got other stuff going on. This guy's great, you know, he, you know, he doesn't call me, you know, every two weeks or. You really talk that much. He's not very nice to me. But it's great. It's great sex and it's good stuff. And it's like, man, that is going to rub off on you. And then you're going to show up that way in future relationships with future partners, not knowing that you're going to do that. Like, it's going to be subconscious in many ways. It's very, very dangerous. So if there's a lesson here, it is to even if you're pressing pause on your dating life, stay intentional. Like, pressing pause means you're actually going to pause on dating and you're not going to be exploring dates. If you're pressing play and you're actually dating, do it with intentionality. Don't do the kind of, like, dating ish. You know, like, I'm just gonna kind of see what happens out there. That's the danger zone. Cause you can fall into this trap.

Yeah. And it's. It's very dangerous because it's the exact opposite of what we teach, I think, which is empowerment and taking responsibility. Right. You're just kind of leaving yourself vulnerable to the whims of the world and the whims of these guys and what they want and just kind of like, following along with a lack of direction. And, like, I get it. I get that there's a certain appeal to that short term, but that's not appealing long term, where you're basically at the mercy of a guy's whims and how he's going to act. Because what you realize with these bad boy types is the confidence that you're so attracted to. It's an illusion. They're faking confident because people who are actually confident don't need to act that way. We did a whole entire podcast on the Emotionally Broken Man. Illuminating, right? A super great one to check out if you're not fully, you know, buying this. But it's like that confidence that he's showing you, it's fake, right? All that substance and all that bravado, it's empty. And really what these guys are allowing you to do is fill in the blanks with everything you hope he is, that he's never going to be. And you're just creating this relationship in your mind instead of in reality. And that's like Adam just said, it's a dangerous state to be in because you get stuck, because it starts to become again, this inertia thing where you just objects in rest, stay in rest, and, like, you're in this really. So, you know, it's so much harder to get out of this. I might as well just stay and see where it goes. What's another month? Oh, I've been in this three years. I don't want to waste three years. It's like, well, I'm now going to waste five years. It's. It's a trap.

Yeah, it's a trap because it is so alluring. It's like junk food. I think of it a lot like junk food, because if I am not intentional about my diet, oh, my God, soon enough, I will be eating cookies every night and Sour Patch Kids. I love Sour Patch Kids so much. Like, I will just slowly but surely get drawn down this path, into this path and attracted to this. I think the same thing goes with unhealthy partners, because this is incredibly attractive. Like these types of guys, there's the thrill of the chase. Like, you're the one to get him. You know, you get to tame him, you get to change him, you get to help him. You want what you can't have. I mean, that's a cornerstone of human nature, is just always desiring what is you can't have. And it's just. It's so alluring, it can just drag you down.

There's this really interesting piece of research that I just learned about last week. And it's this idea of who hooks up with who. And this is like evolutionary psychology stuff. And so what this shows is guys will hook up, basically pursue short term flings with women who are less attractive that they would never consider dating long term. And so this is really important in the context of a bad boy because I think, honestly, so much of the quote unquote bad boy appeal is he's hot, right? Like, he. If he wasn't hot. No one's going after an ugly bad boy. Like, that's just not happening. And so there's a hotness that you're in pursuit of that seems like, oh, my gosh, I can't believe I can get this guy. Well, the thing is, him hooking up with you, what this researcher is saying is him hooking up with you isn't. Isn't the sign that you think it is. It isn't him saying, I'm interested in you long term. It might just be that I'm interested in you right now. And so that hotness and that, you know, striving for that in many ways is going to be counterproductive because, you know, he might only be looking short term, which I'm sure is not something that comes as news, but it is something to really, you really want to keep in mind. Because one of the things that makes these bad boys attractive is everyone's looking for their love story, right? And I think there's something that we romanticize about the struggle. Like, he was, he was rude, he was a little brusque. Like, he had this, like, quietness to him. And I was able to help him work through this. And it was this huge obstacle that we overcame together. We kind of hated each other at first, and it was terrible. But then there was that moment where we both wore flannel and made hot chocolate, and it was magical and everything was fine.

Is that like your perfect love story, Gary?

I just think of like, Hallmark movies, like the Christmas Hallmark movies that my, that Colleen watches All the time. It's like every time I walk through the living room and she's watching, I'm like, oh, flannel. All right, there we go.

Totally, totally. That's so good. I picture you as a flannel guy on the weekend, everyone.

I rock flannels in the 90s. Hardcore.

Yeah. Yeah. But I think this. They're also really attractive because they can catch you at a time in your life where you're not maybe your best self. Right. Bad boys have a way of sneaking in. When you just went through a breakup, when you might be having some trouble at work, when you might be going through some mental health issues, they kind of find their way in, because if they're truly a playboy and they're just playing the field, they are in many ways, going for the easiest objects to slay. And I hate to say that, but it's very true of many men out there. And I do feel like, Gary, I think we say this a lot to our clients. Like, at least I do. Like, I feel like I'm your big brother watching out for you every step of the way. Even though many of our clients are in their 70s and 80s, so the math doesn't matter. But it is true in the sense of, I know these guys. And they come in when you're your most vulnerable moment of being very lonely and just trying to figure things out. And then they come in. They're like this bright light of attention. It's like, oh, my God. But that's. That then can kind of set you on this new path, which I think we've already kind of beaten that dead horse. But it's very dangerous.

Well, I think, you know, it's natural to be attracted to certain qualities that these bad boy guys have. So, you know, if you've fallen for it in the past or are falling for it right now or feel vulnerable to falling for this, it's natural. But it's important to recognize what's going on so that you can kind of catch it. And so I think there's two big things that we mix up. One, danger and attraction. Where it's like, we see these. We're around these bad guys, bad boy types of guys, and it's. We feel uncertain, we feel unsettled, it's ambiguous, and we. We mistake that for attraction. Right. I think the other thing that people mix up is being attracted to the bad boy and thinking it's all about masculinity. Because I've heard clients say this almost verbatim, which is like. But he's like a man's man. Like, I want, like, a guy's guy. And so, you know, a little bit of boy, bad boy always comes with that. To which I would say, no, I'm gonna politely disagree. Like, those are not the same thing. Like, a masculine guy is strong. He conveys leadership. Masculine, true men are stable. They're leaders. They serve others. They're there to be there for other people. Bad boys are the opposite of that. They're arrogant, they're inconsistent. They put themselves first. They're not about being there for anybody other than themselves. That's not what a real guy is like. That's, you know, we. That's what little boys are like. It's like what immaturity looks like in a guy. And that's not really what you're looking for.

Well, I hope you'll forgive me, Gary, and I hope all the audience will forgive me. But I'll. I'll tell you what I used to do in my early 20s to be able to build a little bit of adrenaline before a date, and this is so ridiculous. It just. It hit me when you were talking about the danger piece, and I know it wasn't directly aligned with what you're saying, but I used to. On a first date, I would say, hey, I'm going to come pick you up on my motorcycle. And then most women have never been on a motorcycle before. And so I would show up on my Harley Davidson, and it would be like such an incredible moment of like, oh, my God, this is so exciting. And then I would drive them. But of course, I'm not going to go to the. A bar or anything or a restaurant with a motorcycle. So I do have to drop it off at my place. So of course, I pick her up, drop off the motorcycle. I could show her my place, build a little bit of comfort, and then go on a meetup. And again, everyone remember, this was, like, 17 years ago, so give me a break, all right? But it was. In some ways, looking back on it, it was sneaky because I wasn't in a phase of my life where I was really looking for anything serious. I would. And I was never dishonest. Like, that was something that was very important. I was always very straightforward. But I know that that moment was kind of alluring because it was just like, I've never been on a motorcycle. Who is this guy? And sometimes by the mere fact of me saying, hey, I just need to be straight with you, I'm not looking for a relationship right now. I'm just like, I'm in a stage where I'm looking for something casual. I would say that. And for whatever reason, that would actually draw women in more. And I wasn't doing it in order to get that response. I was truly doing it, to be honest. But it kind of triggered that moment of being like, I think I can win them over. I can win them over. It's like, you can't, you can't. I got the motorcycle thing. Yeah, winning me over.

I think it's, it's partly they want to win you over. They want to be the one to kind of crack the code. Like, oh, he says he's not like this. I can, I can fix that. Right. So there's a little bit of fixer kind of mentality in there. I also think people who are more avoidantly attached are going to go for the bad boy more. Because if you're avoidantly attached, right, you're not very comfortable with closeness. You kind of put up walls. You're worried about being vulnerable and letting people in. Well, the bad boy has no interest in getting in. He has no interest in getting close. He has no interest in something serious and long term and real and meaningful. And so by pursuing this guy who is saying things like, I'm not looking for anything, like, I'm looking for something casual and like, you got a motorcycle. You know, motorcycles say a lot of things. But doesn't say emotionally warm.

It does now. Man, come on, Harley. You know, come on. For 10 years. Like, it doesn't say that.

A Toyota Prius says emotionally warm Harley Davidson. But I think the other, the other piece with the bad boy thing and the avoidant attach is when. And the high likelihood is when it doesn't work out with the bad boy, you get to blame him. It's not your fault. It's like, man, I was looking for love. I really wanted a relationship and it just didn't work out because I found this, this guy was this way again. And it's very self protective in a way that maybe we don't always realize.

Yeah, it helps. It gives you a fictitious story to avoid looking at the harsh truth, which is you make every decision in your love life. You decide who you let in your life and who you do not. And ultimately every decision is on you. And that's a harsh truth. It's a tough pill to swallow. But I'm telling you, once you swallow that big old pill, it sets you free because it's empowering. Because now you can make the right decisions in your life. If every guy is the problem. Good luck, you know, like, good luck. Yeah. You can go around all night at the end of the day and just say, all men are the problem. That's why I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life and be that weird cat lady. Go for it. I mean, you can. You're going to end up being the weird cat lady, or you can take the pill and look at the truth. And that's the reality. So let's start talking about solutions. Now that we've scared the living bejesus out of all of you about bad boys, how do we actually move forward? With clarity, confidence, and confidence. Gary.

So here's what I love about these three solutions. Fire solutions. Because it's not just about the bad boy. These are three good insights that work for anyone at any time. Number one, how to break your bad boy habit, but also just how to navigate attraction in dating is clarity is a clue. So if you're not able to describe why you're drawn to somebody, that's a red flag, right? You should know what makes somebody attractive to you. Like, it should be something about the traits that they have, how they make you feel, the dynamic between you, how much they align with your love vision for what you're really looking for in a partner. It shouldn't be mysterious. It should be obvious. If you're doing this how we suggest to do dating, which is being intentional, being decisive, being strategic, when you can't explain it, it's a bad sign. It shows that you're grasping. It shows that you're filling in the blanks. You're lying to yourself. The one other way that this works, too, with clarity, being a clue is every once in a while you hear somebody say, like, yeah, he seems kind of of a jerk, but he's different when we're alone. That's another red flag, right? Like, that's a usually a lie that you're telling yourself that he's different when we're alone because no one else can verify the truth, which is you're lying about this too. And you're not like, lying like, you're just being dishonest with yourself. Like, he's really not actually that different. And so be clear about how he's acting. Be clear about how he's treating you. And if you're really not sure why you're drawn to this guy, not a great sign.

Yeah, I mean, if you're constantly having to say, he's different when we're alone, that's likely because everyone's telling you that he's a raging jerk. And I have kind of a rule in my life. If I could just get one piece of advice from one person, except for a few core people, like my wife and like my brother. But if it's like, you know, a buddy gives me a piece of advice, I don't really listen to it. If he's like, hey, you've been showing up this way. Like, I'll listen a little bit, but not really. Depends on who it is. But if it's a consistent pattern, if three or four people are telling me the same thing, oh, my God, do I listen right? And so if you're getting that feedback from other people about this guy, you do not have a hidden secret about this guy. In fact, you're the one with the blinders. Very likely. Very, very. Like, yeah, he could be a good guy behind closed doors sometimes. But like you said, it's likely selective memory. So this is why we have developed this process we call the seven little love steps, where we walk our clients down this path of creating what we call a love vision, which Gary mentioned. It's what we call little love step number two. It's where we get crystal clear about the man, the relationship that you want. So you have a bullseye. You have something to really shoot for. And the thing about this exercise is it's not just like writing down a big old list of every single thing you'd ever want in a guy. It's a very different exercise, in fact. And what it does is it creates total focus and clarity so that when you are going out and you're exploring these guys, we can actually. We want to feel the feels, we want to feel the emotion, but we also want to bring some strategy along with us and check in with our love vision on a consistent basis. This is how we avoid going down this path where we're just like, yeah, it just feels so right. It just feels so good. It's like, that stuff's not in our love vision, right? We will tear someone apart. I just want to feel good when I'm around him. It's like, no way. Stop. Not good. Redo it. You missed the whole exercise.

I always say, you know, a good cup of coffee at Starbucks makes me feel good. That's how I know it's not a low vision thing. Just can't. It can't be.

Yeah, totally.

So I think, you know, the other thing here, and this is a great one for bad boy, this is also a great one for general dating, is find a partner who you Admire. And so ask yourself, when you're dating somebody, do I want to be be like this man? Not do I find these traits attractive? Right. So you can find bad boy traits attractive, but I would bet you do not want to be those things. Now it's very important to ask yourself, do you want to be like this man? Because if you end up in a long term relationship, guess what, you're going to be like your partner. And so ask yourself, do I want to be like this person I'm dating?

Yeah. I mean, Jim Rohn has this famous quote which is, you're the average of the five people you spend the most time with. And I love that quote. I think it's really been a guiding star in my life because especially as I've gotten older, I've become pretty ruthless about who I let in. But something, we've kind of taken that quote to the next level. And we always say here at Love Strategies, you are the average of the person you marry. Because let me tell you, that person, their good habits, their bad habits, the way they think, the way they see the world, their politics, the way they eat, if they smoke, all of it will start to rub off on you. Slowly but surely it happens. And so asking yourself, do I want to be like this person? Is so incredibly important. And look, everyone's going to have some negative traits and you certainly do as well. And that's, that's the beauty of relationships is, you know, you kind of balance each other out a little bit. But do I really want to be like this person? It really does kind of create a lot of clarity for you. And which really leads us, I think, to the final solution, which is focus on choosing a future, not just a feeling. There's a big difference between fun right now versus would this man be a great father, a great husband, a great partner? You know, really thinking through, like, I think with dating, when we're single, it's so easy to fall into the trap of thinking about next week or the next date or the next month or the next three months. But very rarely are we thinking about what is this going to be like in the next five years, 10 years, 30 years? It's hard to zoom out. It is. It's crazy. I think that that's a lot of the value that, you know, our coaching staff gives to our clients is like, let's zoom out on this guy. It might feel good right now, but what's the future gonna be like with him?

Yeah, and it's something we share with our clients all the time. Is just this mindset of make sure you're not optimizing for guys who are good daters. We want to be optimizing for guys who are good relationship partners. And those are not overlapping circles in a Venn diagram. It's like some guys are really good daters. And it's like there's a. It's the trap of dating where we get sucked in by the end. It's like, well, this is fun, this is fun. This is fun. I love it, I love it. This is a great feeling. But it's like, that's not a future necessarily. And so make sure you're looking for those solid guys, those guys that feel safe, serene, stable, peaceful. They have emotional maturity. As one of our clients has been fond of saying lately, stability is sexy. And it's like, yeah, it really is. We don't have to worry about things all the time. And it's like, who are they going to be? What kind of mood are they going to be in? Are they going to show up for this date that we planned or not? It's like, no, no. It's actually like really nice to not have to worry about a lot of that stuff. And so that's what it means to choose a future and not a feeling.

So I urge all of you coming out of this to use one word that almost no one talks about when it comes to dating, and that is discipline. Use some discipline. Discipline means I'm going to forego short term pleasure in order to achieve a long term goal, long term fulfillment. And the way that teenagers live their life is they don't have much discipline. Typically they'll just like, oh, that's a nice thing. That's a nice shiny object. Oh, I like him. I'm gonna go with that. Okay, great. I'm gonna just, oh, I want to, you know, try this and then. But as we mature, we get older, you know, ideally we really want to start focusing on. Just because it feels good in the short term doesn't mean it's good for us in the long term. So please take this advice, get out there, attract the right type of person. Because if you've made it this far in this podcast, it means that you really are ready for a long term relationship and not a bad boy. So thank you, Gary. This was a fun one.

Thanks, Adam.

All right, thank you so much for being a part of the Love Strategies community. By getting to the end of the podcast, you have proven that you are a high value woman who deserves a long lasting relationship and we would love to help you get there. So what I recommend you do is go to loveapply.com and you can claim a free love strategy session where someone on my team is going to get on a call with you on a zoom session, be able to understand your challenges, and see whether or not we can help you make that a reality this year. So head on over to loveapply.com, apply for that free love strategy session, and we cannot wait to help you attract that man you truly deserve. All right, thanks for being here.