How to Deal with a Guy Who Is Too Sexual

Gary, in today's video, we're going to be talking about how to deal with a guy.

Oh, no.

Just little too sexual. What do you think about? For those who are listening, I'm starting to slowly seduce Gary.

No. I must avert my gaze. Must not look.

Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else. Backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam lodolce, and professional dating coach and founder of love strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. Seriously, Gary, how much do we hear about this from our clients who are just getting started? They've been dating for the past year without the little love steps, and they're just getting bombarded by guys who are just jumping straight to S E X, just getting right into it, and it's gross. What is wrong with these guys?

It's a problem. It's a problem. I love today's video. I'm a big fan of any how to kind of thing like this. We get down a little tactical, practical, kind of dig into it because these guys, a lot of them are over the line. Over the line. I don't want to jump ahead too much, but it's like they're doing it because it works some percentage of the time. So I don't want this to turn into like, all men are terrible and like all that, because that's not where we're going with this. But it is something that happens. Guys, you're doing everything right. You're being innocent. You're having a reasonable conversation, innocently texting or messaging on an app. And then he says something like, I had a long day at work. Can we snuggle? Or he just sends a question, what are you wearing? And you say something like, oh, something innocent. Nice. And he says, you look nice, but I bet you look better with nothing on at all. Ooh. Or he's planning a date. You're like, okay. And you, 100% innocently, you say, I can't wait to see what you have in mind. And then he writes back, here's what I have in mind, and sends you an eggplant emoji or worse. And like, I know some of these sound, like far fetched. Every single one of these I Took directly from something a client had told me in the last month on a mastermind. And then there's obviously the, you know, he sends unsolicited shirtless pictures in front of the gym mirror flexing. Or worse, he sends you unsolicited other things worse. And I think, you know, you know.

What I hate about all these, And I've heard all these from. From previous clients in the past before. They really get into little love steps and divert their attention away from these guys. But you know what I hate the most about these is they're not even hot. Like, they're not good. You know, like, if. If they were effective, you know, it's one thing to be sexual and it's like, effective, and it, like, actually can turn a woman on. And like, we know. You know, I've been coaching women for over a decade now. Like, I have a good intuition about what works when it comes to texting and what doesn't. And I would love to create a course men to just come on, man, if you're gonna do at least better at this, better, you know, like, what is this guy thinking? Like, can we snuggle? Like, what woman is like, oh, yeah, that's gonna get me? Or like, you look better with nothing on at all. Like, oh, yeah, you're just getting me going. It's just. Come on. But like, regardless, you don't even really know these guys, and they're doing this. It's disgusting. It's not okay. So the question you probably have is, what do I do? What do I say? It's super awkward. And we're all here to. And the thing is, whether all this is happening in person, which most of the time it doesn't. Usually it's over text. You want to have a plan for dealing with these types of guys, and we want to do it in a way that really shuts down the wrong types of guys, but also doesn't discourage the right types of guys. Because there are some times where the right guys might just be pushing it a little bit too far too soon. And we just need to give him those clear signals that that is not okay. Yeah, Right, Gary?

Yeah. And this is a perfect podcast topic in my opinion, because this is not clear cut. There's nuance to this. There's a little strategy behind this. It's not as simple as. As soon as a guy calls you hot over text, he's the wrong guy. It's just not that simple. Because I think one of the first things we need to realize, and this is number One, I say this at least once a week when it comes to this kind of thing is don't forget the guy of your dreams. You do want him to find you attractive, right? You want him to find, like, you want him to have, frankly, some of these impulses. You want some sexual interest out of your guy. Don't deny or ignore that obvious fact. You want him to find you appealing. And you do want him to have some sexual thoughts. Because a man who has no sexual thoughts about you, you're not going to see, he's not going to spend any time. And so, you know, I've heard from clients and they'll say things like, he called me hot. He called me babe. He called me honey. And I ain't nobody's honey. He called me sweetie. Oh, he used the word sexy. And it was, you know, before the third date, one guy said I had a great body. And they all say the same thing. Next, next, next, next, next. Then someone says, he said he couldn't wait to kiss me. Obviously that was an immediate next. It's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold the phone. Like, this is like, it's too much. This is all probably an overreaction. Like, we don't. None of those things sound great. But it's not enough, it's not enough evidence to know that this is not the right guy. And having a zero tolerance policy is just going to leave you with virtually no options. And I would also just say this zero tolerance policy, it's something I see in our clients who tend to have more of avoidant attachment style, which is someone who's not comfortable with closeness, someone who's worried about getting hurt. And so they're very quick to identify potential problems. Like, aha, there it is. There's a problem. I know that's going to be a problem in the future. Next. Move on, move on, move on. And so zero tolerance probably isn't the way to go because again, he might be doing this completely innocently because he called somebody else babe in the past and they really loved it and that it could just be that simple.

Right, Right. Yeah. So I, I think that's really important to keep in mind because sometimes with these guys, they also just don't know how to date. Like, I don't want to excuse disgusting, over the top sexual behavior. That's not what we're talking about here. We're talking about that kind of like, gray area. It's too soon for that. I'm not sure sure if I'm attracted to him. That's a big One, like, if a guy says, hey, honey, and you're super into him, you'll probably be okay with it. If you're not that into him yet, you're gonna be like, oh, that's disgust. But, like, all of this is where it's like, there's a little bit of gray area here. And we gotta give these guys who are in that gray area sometimes just a little bit of grace. Cause they're also just trying to figure all this stuff out.

Yeah. And I think this brings us to the next one, which is you have to know where the line is. Like, what's the line for you? Because he is going to test it. Guys have been conditioned their whole entire life. It's almost like their job. They're accustomed to the role of testing the limits. And you kind of want a guy who's a little maverick, like that. Like a little, like, I don't know, hard, a little unruly, where it's like, he sees the rules, but he, like, pushes them a little bit. And guys especially are going to do this when it comes to physical intimacy, because everyone, men and women, are both motivated by physical intimacy. But guys, let's be honest, perhaps a little bit more, right? And so knowing the line for yourself ahead of time is important, because you don't want to shift what's acceptable to you based on how hot the guy is. And I've seen clients fall into this trap where it's like, for most guys, if they called me honey or babe or said I had a nice body, it's like, ooh, gross. Not okay, I'm gonna start setting boundaries. But this guy who's kind of cute, he was unbuttoning his shirt, showed a little chest hair, And I was like, oh, I loved it. It was great. It's like, that's how you get yourself into trouble.

Well, it's interesting to talk about the line because before I used to coach women, and this is going back over a decade, I actually used to coach men on how to meet all of you beautiful women. And what I will say is working with a lot of these guys. And I went through this myself. Typically, if you're struggling in your love life as a guy, it's likely you're not actually pushing the edginess enough. And you're falling into the dreaded dun, dun, dun, French zone because you're being such a nice guy. You're not rocking the boat. You don't want to say anything that might kind of turn someone off too quickly. And what. What would happen with These guys, and I went through it myself, is you learn some new information, you learn how to be more masculine and a little bit more, dare I say, dominant in conversation when you're first meeting a woman. And then you push the line a little too far, right? You're like, I went through this myself. Where. And I've seen it with some of my clients. Like, they'll learn the stuff. Then they go way overboard, and you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Now we need to bring it back. Because now you're being borderline offensive or too edgy, you're turning off way too many people, and then you kind of find that line. And so I just want to, like, open a lot of the eyes and ears of the women listening, where guys are always trying to figure out this line themselves, because guys, again, if they are too soft and they're not pushing it at all, and they're not pushing any type of sensuality or sexuality earlyish on in the connection, such as kissing, trying to move things forward, guess what? You're. Things aren't going to progress for them in the bedroom.

Right?

Right. So it really is. It's such a tricky line. And I see a lot of. I've seen a lot of good guys push the line too far because they have this, like, they're so terrified of being labeled as that friend zone guy. And so, you know, just maybe. And I know this is falling on. I don't know if this is going to land, but just maybe give these guys a little bit of grace. I don't know. I'm scared to say that, Gary. Until audience.

It. It's true here. Here's another context where all the same things apply. Being funny, right? If you're humorous and you're push. You have to push. Like, humor lives on the line of appropriate, inappropriate a lot of times. And so what does your wife have.

To say about this, Gary?

By your humor, he does not find me as funny as other people do. But. And here's why, though. Because it's like, when you're a funny person, you might hit on humor 90% of the time, but 1 out of 10, the other person's like, wait, what? What did you just say? Like, what happened?

Excuse me.

Wait, what? And it's like, that's the kind of price you. And it's like to be good at humor, you spent time kind of finding and understanding where that line is. People who are not good say inappropriate things all the time. You're like, ooh, weird. Other people are dull and boring. And so there's a line with everything. And you just have to kind of find out where it is. I think what's really important for women is knowing that guys are learning about trying to find and push that line. It helps because it depersonalizes it. It's not about you sending the signals that's making him say this inappropriate thing. It's not necessarily that he's a creep or you did something wrong. It's just kind of like this is kind of the interpersonal dance we do, the dynamics between people. And that's just part of the process. And I think that brings us to the third mindset thing is like, you have to be sure as sure as possible. Why is he doing this? Why is he saying this sexual thing? Because, like Adam just said, like, some of these guys are just a little clueless. They're a little socially awkward. They're learning. He's a little excited. He's not playing it cool enough. Literally. He's got no dating game. Like, he just doesn't have game. And that can seem off putting, but in many ways, like, that's a decent guy. He just is learning how to do this. Because you contrast that with the guy who's really good at this. Well, the guy is really good at this. How do you get so good at this? He's been doing this a lot. Maybe he has a pattern of objectification. He's more focused on short term hookups. So he's gotten really good at flirting with that line. Maybe he's got poor impulse control or low emotional intelligence. Those are all really bad reasons that he's being too sexual. And so you want to try to disentangle, like, what is his motivation and where is this coming from?

Yeah. And just looking at the severity of it, again, I think with that, like, I have known one person in my life no longer friends with him, but this is going back a long time ago when he would online date and like match with dozens of women and just send this same kind of edgy sexual texts just to see who would respond positively. And I think he had like a 1 in 20 hit rate.

Yep.

But the 1 in 20 meant he was having a good weekend. And it's disgusting and awful. And his. I once looked at his text and that's when I was like, I can't be friends with this guy who is this loser. And but what he was doing is just throwing it out there and seeing what would happen. But it was so obvious. Like, it was so obvious, it was so sexual so quickly. And look, so those are the types of guys we're going to avoid like the plague. So with all that said, how do we deal with him when he does cross the line? When it's a little bit gray area, a little bit edgy? Again, the ones that are hypersexual, if he sends you a picture of his shirt off or a picture of you know what, or anything that is clearly a objectifying you or clearly sexual, that is just a hard next. But the ones where it's a little bit gray area, how do we deal with that type of situation? What do you think, Gary?

Yeah, so this is where it's really important, I think, to just have some tools in the toolbox, so to speak. Right. And so step one is don't ignore or reward the behavior. And so you don't just ignore it and, and kind of brush it off. And some. Sometimes you'll hear people say, like, nah, he's just being a guy. He probably doesn't mean anything by it. He's just really into me. And you kind of take it as a compliment. And it's like, that's a problem because you don't want. If he's really into you, leading with sex is not the way to show it. Right. And we don't want to encourage that because we are looking for a deeper connection. We also don't want to reward it. And you're probably thinking, like, gosh, why would I ever reward this type of behavior? Well, some of the ways that you can reward it without even realizing is just simply like laughing at him, like, he says something inappropriate, like, and just kind of like, because it's awkward, you laugh. Or because it's awkward, you just, you say something a little, just slightly sexual back, and you're doing it to kind of release the tension and make it less awkward and avoid potential conflict. But that guys take as a signal of, yes, go, keep going, keep pushing, keep pushing. In other words, the other way to say this is like, don't be too nice at the expense of your own comfort, ever. Don't be nice. You don't have to be too nice. Simply redirect the conversation to another topic. You can just as simply say, like, yeah, we're not, we're not going to go there right now. And then let's talk about blank, blank, blank. Say something. If you're in person, you pull back, you create space. But in, in either case, just don't fight the awkwardness. Just be like, nah, we're not going to do that right now. And just change, change topics, create some space. And move on.

Yeah. I think the beauty of our process, we call it the seven little love steps, is we have a very important little love step. It's called little love step number five, where we pace the progression of your connections, where we slow things down. And this allows you to slow things down with multiple guys that you're talking to and see which guy is actually a good long term potential fit. And it's at these moments where, where you might need to redirect or kind of obviously not reward the behavior or certainly, you know, be able to move forward. This is, this is the moment where you can actually determine whether or not he's worth continuing talking to and being that little love step. So what I have for you is a step by step training that'll walk you through the seven little love steps. You can just check it out on our main page on our website. It's love strategies.com we have a virtual kind of coaching program right there you can walk through. It's really, really cool. It's dynamic based on your unique situation. Again, if you just go to lovestrategies.com we'll walk you through all the seven little love steps and definitely pay pay close attention to little love step five, because that's all about pacing. I think you all enjoy that.

Yeah. And so the next thing you really need to make sure you have is the ability to set clear and warm boundaries. What I love about this is so much about dating and relationships is a skill and it's a learnable skill. And so you're not born necessarily being really great at these things, but you can certainly learn them. And so for a lot of our clients, they're not necessarily equipped or have been accustomed to setting boundaries because they don't want to feel cold, they don't want to feel mean, they don't want to seem prudish. But what we encourage with our clients is, and we show them that boundaries actually build trust. It increases your sense of safety and control. Boundaries also convey value. Right. Boundaries say, this thing is worth getting to. It's not open to everybody. And you know, I'm sure you've heard the saying, clarity is kindness. And so you don't need to be harsh, you just need to be direct. And you can be direct in a warm and an agreeable way. One of the general kind of standard statements we have for our clients is saying something along the lines of, I very much look forward to going there with you. I'm just not there yet. Like saying like, okay, like he's, he's pushing the boundaries. He's being a little sexual. You don't have to completely shut him down and be like, ooh, gross. No, because, again, we do kind of want him to get there eventually. We want to get there eventually, and so we just say exactly that. I look forward to getting there with you at some point. I'm just not there yet. Okay. The right guy will appreciate and respect that completely. He's. He'll be like, oh, okay, you've now given him a goal. What. What do guys like a goal? They like something to work towards now they have a goal in mind, and now they're going to push forward.

Right.

This is the kind of approach that we want. Gary.

I don't know why. This just brought me back to a memory I haven't thought about, like, 20 years. But this happened to me about 20 years ago when I was pretty clueless when I was dating, and I went on a date with this woman, and we're sitting there talking. It was a first date, and I start kind of, like, rubbing her lower back. I wasn't rubbing her knee or over her arm or anything like that. It was being what I consider to be very appropriate, allegedly. And allegedly, you know, this is where memory studies. You know, let's see how true this is. No, I'm sure. I mean, I was always, like, very, very appropriate in these moments.

Sure.

But I remember she looked at me and said, adam, I really enjoy what you're doing, and that's totally fine. But I just want to tell you that I'm not the type of girl who does the casual thing. So if you feel like that's what this is, then maybe it's not a good fit. And I remember being like, damn, that's very reasonable. Okay. And I wasn't even. It was just, like, clarity in the moment for her to explain. Like, I'm not sleeping with you. Like, that's not happening today. And by the way, my intentions weren't. I mean, I'm sure they were, but it wasn't necessarily like, that, was it? Of course I was. You know, I'm a guy.

What are you.

What are you doing on a first date? That's what guys do. But it was a moment where I'm like, not only did she set a boundary in the moment, but it elevated her value so much in that moment, because I'm like, whoa, this is not a girl you just date. This is a woman that you marry. And it really just set that. Set the tone of the relationship.

Well. And the. The immediate message that that sends. Is she's not doing this with other guys. Right. Because on some level, right. It's like, if somebody's willing to just hop right in the sack with you, it's like, well, certainly I'm not the first first, right? Like, no, I'm not that special. And so it just, it changes the dynamic of the whole thing. And I, I think one of the things that our clients struggle with, with the boundaries is some of them will say, but if I say that I'm not really into the casual thing, or if I say I'm not ready or I'm not there yet, isn't that going to scare guys away? To which we always respond, yes, yes, it will, but it's going to scare away. Right, Good. Like, we want to scare those guys away because the guys that are only interested in short term physical intimacy based relationships, that's not what our clients are looking for. And so we want to scare those guys away. We want to make it hard for them to feel like it's worth spending the time, because it's not. And we want to figure that out day one, date one. As soon as possible. Not in month six, seven or eight. That's how you end up wasting a ton of time. Our clients, we talk about boundaries a lot. And so there's a couple of ones that our clients, as I was putting the notes for this podcast together just in the last two weeks, a couple examples from our clients about how they set boundaries around this. One of them says, I prefer more of a slow burn than full steam ahead. That's how, that's how she worded it to a guy. Another one said, I like getting to know someone first before taking things to that level. Good. Someone said, I'm not really into sexual stuff with someone I barely know. All fair. There's another version of one where someone suggested in a Mastermind that she said, you know, I usually just say sorry. I just don't want to come off like a prude. Which I, I redirected because I don't think we should apologize. I don't think you should apologize for a boundary. Instead of saying sorry for having a boundary, just own your boundary and say, I move slower than that because I want to do things right. Like own it. That's true. And again, will that scare off some? Yep, that will scare off some guys, but not the guys that you want.

Yeah, I mean, any of these, if it's said appropriately and from a place of just wanting a healthy relationship and a healthy romantic life. If a guy gets scared Away from that. Good riddance. Right, right. Like in that story I told, like, if I got scared away in that moment and I was like, oh, I'm never going out with her again, then clearly I was only interested in just short term. A short term fling. And she just saved herself many, many months of time wasted with me by setting that clear boundary. Now, luckily I wasn't. It didn't work out in the end with her. I don't remember why. And have to go back and into the death.

I was going to say this woman wasn't Despico.

It was not my wife. She. She said plenty of boundaries on. I will. I won't get into that. But yeah, it's. All of this is totally appropriate to really set the stage that you're not the type of woman that they could just mess around with. And you're not the type of woman who's going to be nice and just give in because you're afraid to speak up for yourself.

Well, the right guy doesn't want that. The right guy does not want you to just be nice and do things you don't want to do. They want. They're respectful. They care about what you care about. They want you to be comfortable.

Right.

And so I think the really nice thing about boundaries is it's not the boundary as much as it's his response to the boundary. His response to your boundary is everything. Because guys are going to test the limits. They're going to say slightly inappropriate things. Fine. That's total. I think we all just need to be okay with that on some level. But when you establish a boundary and you say one of these types of things, hey, I'm not ready for that, but I look forward to getting to that in the future. How does he respond? It's a fantastic test of his character and what he's really after. The right response from an emotionally mature guy who accidentally crosses the line is an apology. An immediate adjustment of behavior to say, you know, okay, cool, like, and like, hear the clarity, appreciate the clarity, not resent it. And a soft apology. He shouldn't be devastated by it. Right. But he should be like, oh, cool, okay, I get it. Awesome. Now here's the wrong response. And you will get this response from some of the guys. It's just, it's inevitable. Guys who only care about sex, who are there for the wrong thing, not interested in something real. When you set a boundary, they're going to joke, they're going to push. Oh, you don't really mean that. Oh, you sure? Oh, you know, you're one of those kind of girls. They're going to get whiny, they're going to get manipulative, they're going to call you names. Oh, you're such a prude. Oh, gosh, you're wasting my time. I can't believe I thought you were something different. They're going to get defensive, they're going to ghost, or they're going to double down and keep pushing. Every. To be clear, every single one of those responses is bad, not good. And it tells you everything you need to know.

It's not okay. I mean, I was actually talking to a client about this at a recent event that we had where growing up as a little girl, for a lot of the clients, like in middle school, what is one of the greatest fears you have is being called a prude by a bunch of guys like, oh, you're such a prude.

And that.

Like, it's an insult. But of course, you also don't want to be called a slut at the same time. Sorry to use that word, but I had to in this context. And it's like always trying to figure out what is the right approach as a woman. And I think a lot of these women, we were talking about this at the event, even in their 60s and 70s, still have this head trash from this manipulative little boy in middle school calling them a prude or a slut, either way. And it's like, hey, let's release all that. Let's forget all of that stuff and just stand for your own truth as you're dating and just set appropriate boundaries. When a guy oversteps and when the timing is right with a guy, we are going to lean in. We will get sexual with the right type of guy, and all of that is okay. What's not okay is a guy who then responds when you do set a boundary and he acts like a little middle school boy calling you a prude, or why wouldn't you do that? Or come on. And doing everything possible. He's just a little manipulative middle schooler. We're not going to take that.

Right. And, you know, I think at the end of the day, like we said at the beginning of this, it's. This is nuanced. It's not that easy to kind of find the line, know. Know exactly what's going on and how to deal with it. But hopefully this podcast has really helped in the sense that just because a guy's being too sexual, it doesn't necessarily and immediately mean he's a bad person or that he's even the wrong person for you. It takes a little bit more curiosity and a little bit more setting boundaries, following through, seeing his reaction. And that's the key test. See how he respects to your clear, kind and warm boundary. Because the right guy's gonna respond in exactly the right way and it's actually gonna make things go a lot better. And the wrong guys, they're gonna hit the road and you're gonna be better off for it.

So I hope you all enjoyed this podcast. If you like getting into the male mind, that's what we're trying to do here. Give you the perspective from a couple of guys who've been doing this for a living for way too long at this point, Gary. And this is what we do for a living. We're executive love coaches. We have an entire team here. Love Strategies growing. We have a team of over 30 people here at Love Strategies, and all we do is focus on empowering women to find and attract the right type of relationship as well as keep the that right man in their life. And if you got anything from this podcast is hopefully it's this. It's time to step up for yourself. It's time to lean in. It's time to start setting the right type of boundaries so that you can open your heart to the right type of guy. If that sounds like something you're ready to do, I would invite you to apply to have a conversation with someone on my team. Where you do that is@loveapply.com Go through a step by step application process. Takes about three minutes. Then you can schedule a call with what we call a love strategist. That love strategy is going to dive deep into what it is that might be holding you back in your love life, your vision for your future, and how it is that we may or may not be able to get you there. And we'll be honest with you and be open. If it's not a fit, no worries. We'll point you in the best direction possible and we'll set you up for success. If it is a fit, we will open you, open our arms in ways you've never experienced and be feeling that support from Gary and the rest of the coaching staff. So again, head on over to loveapply.com we'll walk with you every single step of the way. Gary, this was a good one. I kept my shirt on for this.

Thank you. Please, more. More buttons, more buttons.

All right. Thanks, Gary. I appreciate it, buddy.

Take care, man.