How to Deal with Politics While Dating? (Can you date someone with a different view?)

So in today's podcast, we are going to be talking about how to deal with politics while dating. Yes, we are going there today in this podcast. Gary. I just got back from vacation, I'm all relaxed, and you got me doing podcasts on politics.

Dude, I love it. I am so excited for this because this is a little bit of practice, what you preach. We tell our clients all the time about the importance of having uncomfortable conversations and. And like, there are certain things you're never supposed to talk about. Politics is one of them. Religion, a man's balding, a woman's weight. But we're, like, going to talk about one of those things that you're supposed to not talk about, and we're going to talk about it a lot.

Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast, where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. Yeah, we're gonna get into this one because I find it so annoying, the coaches out there who are just like, on a first date, you never talk about religion, never talk about politics, and it's like, what are you talking about? What if the person is a politician? You know, like, there's just a million examples of where that's ridiculous. And obviously you don't even need to be a politician, in my opinion, to talk about politics on a first date. So I think this would be a really good one to get into. So, Gary, why don't you give me the goods? What do you think? Can you date across the aisle? Can you make it happen?

I love that we're doing this because I think exactly what you just said. So many people out there oversimplify this and there's a. I think there's a lot of nuance to it. And I think the immediate reaction people have is, can you date across that is like, no, absolutely not. And so it becomes like a, you know, there's red flag topics. Like this is a red flag, blue flag topic in dating, and it's. It's tough to navigate. And so we're here to help because we're not going to, like, solve this for you with overly simplistic advice. About avoid the topic altogether, or as soon as you find out something about their political affiliation, you just bail. We're going to teach you how to be strategic about it because it's something that as much as we are told all the time, you can't talk about politics. I think in today's dating, it's unavoidable. Like it's something everybody has to deal with. And unfortunately, the world has become increasingly divided people's opinions.

Yeah, everyone was just hanging out, having a good time.

Big kumbaya. No, no, it turns out. No. Right.

It's, you know, just talking about peace and love. I don't know, man. I thought that's how the world was now.

Yeah, well, but so many terms now are loaded, right? It's just like you can't just say Democrat and think that that's just the. Like there's so much, there's so much baggage that goes along with that. There's baggage that goes on with Republican conservatives. There's all these like pejorative terms, Trumpkins and maggots. Right? And that's like terrible. Like we call people these things. But then there's also the woke mob, the woke tards, or the blue haired pronoun police.

Gary, I can't believe you're going here right now. I, and we do not agree with saying any of these things to anyone, by the way. But people are saying these things.

I had to do a Google search. These did not just roll off the top of my head. I was like, what are the, what are the mean things that people call the other political parties online? And this was a condensed list, but.

Yeah, right, well, and I think the biggest problem now when it comes to dating is that men and women, increasingly, like year on year, tend to have very different political affiliations. I mean, nearly 4 in 10 single women said they would be very unlikely to date a Trump supporter. And they'll say like, I'm not going to date someone who votes against my best interests. And I understand it. But four in 10 men say that they would be less likely to date a woman who identifies as a feminist. So it's like there's this massive gender dividend when it comes to politics. And how do we bridge that gap? Because ultimately our mission here, Love Strategies, is to empower humanity to thrive in healthy, loving relationships. And if everyone's politicized and no one will date each other due to politics, I don't know, Gary. I think we're out of a job and humanity is totally screwed.

And you know those stats, those are very, very recent. 2020. Those are right off, hot off the press kind of stats. The other other stat that was in that same bit of research that we did is 70% of Democrats won't date a Republican, 41% of Republicans won't date a Democrat. And it's like, so what's. Why are Democrats so much more extreme in their unwillingness to date a Republican? And the difference is just, frankly, there's more women now that are Democrats. And so women are the ones that are driving a lot of this. And so that's our audience. That's who we're talking to. And so it's really, really important. As much as we don't want to talk about politics, we can't just keep dodging the other side in our dating life because it completely narrows our pool. And so we are going to talk about some of the best ways to think about this, the strategies, how to be smart about dating across the aisle without being overly judgmental.

And let me just say something before we get into this, for those who are listening right now and want to turn this off and go listen to something else, you're probably the one that needs to listen to this the most. I hate to say that, but because I get it. Like people, we work with a lot of clients who are very, very political and they don't want to have this open conversation about dating potentially across the aisle. But I'm telling you, this is the one thing I hope we can kind of get you a little bit closer to setting you free. And again, it's not finding. We don't want you to find someone with a different value system. It's a very different thing. And I think by the end of this, hopefully we can bridge that gap. So stick with us through this.

I would also say we keep talking. We say that this is going to be about politics, but this is about any kind of belief that you think someone has different than you. This is a lot about just how to deal with real or imagined differences in others and how to be curious instead of judgmental. And so it's broadly about that, too.

I agree. And I think I say it all the time with clients. I feel like dating is one of the few times in life where you get to meet so many different people from so many different backgrounds with so many different belief systems, and it's such an opportunity to kind of just open your world a little bit. Because once you're in a serious monogamous relationship and you move out of the city and you live in a small town over by the farm and you're just with your partner. I'm telling you, you will be in that bubble that you're looking for. You'll be there 100%. And that's something I really enjoyed about dating personally is you go with a hardcore Democrat, you go with a hardcore Republican, you go with the centrists. And it's just, you just hear all these different perspectives and by the end of it you're just like, I don't know, we're all just people at the end of the day.

Yeah. And what I love about this topic, other than it's a little controversial and it's a little edgy, which I love, is in my other life, I'm a psychologist, but one of the things that I do is I'm, I'm a co author on a textbook for social psychology. And social psychology is pretty much what we're talking about today. It's like how to think about groups of people. And so all of that starts with mindset. And so how do we want to think about politics? And I think there's a few bits of nuance here that not everybody fully appreciates when they're talking about these things. And considering people dating across the aisle, number one, a person's vote doesn't mean what you think. You can vote for somebody and not believe everything that that person ever did or said. You can vote for somebody and immediately after casting your vote, if not months later, realize it was a huge, huge mistake. Sometimes people aren't voting for somebody, they're voting against somebody else. And so we're not always sure. Like even if you ask somebody like, well, who did you vote for in the last election? And they tell you that doesn't tell you the full story in the way that you think it does now. That said, if, if you're trying to date a guy and he's got a 12 foot flag mounted on the back of his dually pickup truck, maybe that does mean what you think. But I think like we can't confuse what might be clearer signals with what can sometimes be more subtle signals because they don't provide the same amount of information.

Totally agree. I think another key way to think about politics is recognizing that now and then isn't forever. Like what you believe now may not be what you believe in five, 10 years. It's not a static, it doesn't, it doesn't just stay in place. Like who you voted for or how you felt at one point in your life or how you feel right now might not be how you feel in the future, I guarantee how you felt in 2020 is probably different than how you feel now, regardless of your political spectrum. So realizing that views and opinions can very much so evolve, I recognize, like, when Jessica and I first started dating, we had a few things that we, like, really didn't agree on. And it's so fascinating to see. Like, I think she's actually stayed much more stable throughout the time. I've just, like, learned a lot. I've grown a lot throughout that period. And we' we're so aligned now. It's really incredible to see when it comes to politics and so just recognizing that opinions can evolve, you know, do they change monumentally? Not necessarily. Not usually. But they can change depending on who you're with, the partner, the strength of your original attitude, and really depending on who we're around, you know, our romantic partner really does shift our attitude. So keep. And it can be in a very good way. That's the beautiful thing. I find life to be more interesting to be with someone who challenges my ideas rather than someone who just is a yes person all the time. Yeah.

You know, you said something in there really important, which is this idea about strength of attitude. A lot of times these guys that you're dating who might have voted for somebody or have, you know, they say, I'm this party, they're saying that, but they don't really. They're not fully invested, they're not super into politics. And there's a big difference between somebody who's really, really into polit. There's a plenty of guys out there who are just like, indifferent, just kind of going with the flow. This thing kind of. Most people actually are not super heavy into politics. Watching the news programs, they're just kind of passively consuming this information, and it's not a central part of their identity. And I think that's super important in terms of who they are, how much they're going to change. And very much to your point about you and Jessica, people, over time in couples start to become more and more aligned in their views. And a lot of times it's because one person cares more, one person doesn't care as much, and the person who feels more passionately about it starts steering the conversation and has more influence over the views.

Yeah, right. So one thing you'll hear a lot on the podcast is us mentioning the seven little love steps. These are seven little powerful yet simple steps that you can take in your love life to attract that man that lasts for the rest of your life. So if you don't know the seven little love steps, then I have a free training for you. It's completely free. Just head on over to the love steps.com and go through that virtual training. I think you're going to really enjoy it and get a lot out of it and understand our exact framework for attracting that relationship you truly deserve. Again, that's the lovesteps.com all right, back to the podcast.

So, you know, I think the one other piece of this is that political parties and votes don't equate to values. And what really we care about when we're thinking about something we're dating is what is their value system? And so if someone says, oh, I'm a Democrat or I'm a Republican, it doesn't always tell you what you. What you think it does, right? You have some stereotypes around those groups, and we have to acknowledge that that is what they are. They're stereotypes. It's like, oh, they're a Democrat, or all they drink is soy milk. Well, that's not true.

I love soy milk.

Right? Oh, they're a Republican. All they drink is the blood of beasts that they killed on their farm. Also not true. And please, everybody, just recognize I'm being very extreme intentionally. Like, these are not actual beliefs. I'm trying to make a point, right? And so just, you know, bear with me on that. The reality is, when it comes to values, not political parties, political parties very much split us into, like, cats versus dogs kind of mentality. But when it comes to values, most people value and care about the exact same things. Most people don't want too much government. Most people want a safe world to live in. Most people want a good economy, opportunities to improve their life, freedom of speech. And most people want a loving relationship, someone to share their life with, and they don't want to be alone, and they want someone to snuggle with by a campfire. We are so much more the same than we are different. And that's what's really important.

Yeah, and it's so interesting. Like, I, I see it with my dad. My dad is a hardcore political junkie. Just has been his whole life. Like, this is just all I've heard about my entire life. And what's interesting is he just hates the other side, you know, just with a total, like, depth of hate. But what's interesting is the people who are on the other side who are just as extreme as him, he probably has more in common with that person than someone who's in the middle and really doesn't care that much because the reality is they both care a lot about the United States. They care a lot about our political environment. They love politics, they love the game of it. And it's, I've tried making that argument with my dad because I'm much more of a, you know, in the middle type of guy. And it doesn't land. It doesn't land. But it's like really at the end of the day if you, if you talk to people on both sides. And again, I encourage this with dating to, even if you have it as part of your love vision to be with someone who is also a Democrat or who's also a Republican or is interested in the same views as you have, I do encourage you to go out and just explore and have conversations with other people because once again, dating is such an amazing opportunity to do that. And you know, you might just come out of that and be like, you know what? The other side isn't as bad as I think.

Yeah. And I think, you know, very important point here is that most people are actually in the middle. Right. They're the people on the extremes, on the out the outside edges of the normal distribution. Right. That care a ton and they're very extreme in their views. But that's not most people. However, the media, and I'm not a big bash the media guy, but the media does need to drive views and so it's in their best interest to portray the stronger views because people look at strong views and like, wow, like it's, it's novel, it's interesting, it's, there's some shock value to it and so it makes it seem like the differences are much greater than they are. And if you're more isolated and you're not around other people, it's easier to believe the extreme viewpoints that you see portrayed on the television. Like something I find very interesting is like I live near New York City and so going into the city is a very normal thing. Now I can know how little someone has been into the city by them saying something like, oh, you went into the city. Like, isn't, isn't there crime everywhere? Isn't it terrible? Isn't it, you know, just this lawless wasteland of just homeless people and all. It's like, it's like, no, it's not like that at all. Like I, my 17 year old daughter and her group of girlfriends, they go as a group and they go wander around Manhattan. It's extremely safe. But it can seem very unsafe if you've never actually been There, and you've only seen the stories on the television. And so it's very much to your point about. One of the great things of dating is you get to talk to a wide variety of people. And what you start realizing if you talk to a ton of people, and this is where I think you and I are both really, really fortunate. We get to talk to a lot of people. What you realize, and I say this all the time, and it sounds naive, except for if you've talked to a lot of people is, you know, what people are people. Right. We're all so much primarily human, and then some of these other things are just so secondary that you can only appreciate this when you've met and talked with a ton of people.

Yeah, definitely. You want to take us home, Gary?

Yeah. So how do we do this? How do we date across the aisle? I like to. I like this. I like to think of this as a question like, can blue and red become purple? Can the red and the blue blend?

The answer is definitely yes, for sure. I love that.

And so how do you. How do you thread the needles, so to speak? How do you pull this off? And so, number one, you do not have to 100%, completely, perfectly match your partner's political views, affiliation, et cetera. You just can't be complete opposites. Right? And so if you're completely opposites and you hold those views strongly, it's just. It's not going to work. It's absolutely not going to work. And so you also can't, if they're very, very different from, you can't try to force or change the other person's opinion. We know from research, trying to convince somebody that their opinions are wrong actually just makes them believe their opinions more strongly, because we don't like to change. Now, here's a tangent, a slight little tangent that I have to say, and this is something I say to students all the time. Super important. Anytime you have, I have any of us have strong views about something, it means you don't have all the information because there's no topic. There's. There's nothing out there where there's. The complete, absolute, strong viewpoint of this is 100% absolute. That's not correct. There's nuance. There's gray areas. There's all that stuff. In research, we call this the Dunning Kruger effect, which is the less you know, the more sure you can be. And so if you're like, my side is 100% right. You don't have all the facts. You just don't and when you have all the facts, you start to realize, like, okay, there's some things on each side that make some sense. Now. There are some things on both sides that are also completely batshit insane, right? So, like, let's find the nuance. Let's deal with that part.

You're basically talking to Adam when he was in college. Like, I was the guy who could name every single senator, most of the congressmen, and I knew everything. I knew I was so right. I was so into politics. Oh, my God, I could. I could win any argument by the end of the day. Man, oh, man, was I full of shit. You know, I think that that happens as we get older, we start to realize, you know, maybe. I just don't. I feel like that as we get older, we just become. Most people are just kind of in the middle on things. You know, there's, like, nuance. And you're like, well, I don't know. I don't love that side. I also don't love this side. And I think for those of us who are exposed to people on all sides of the aisle, it just. It once again reinforces that idea that perhaps we don't really know everything and, you know, most things kind of just lands in nuanced conversation, you know?

Well, I think, though, some people are going to feel strongly, and I'm. You're. Everyone's entitled to feel however they want to feel like everyone. You know, we have freedom of thought, freedom of speech, all that good stuff. So you can feel however you want to feel. But when you're in a dating context, you have to have a pretty good sense of how strongly you feel about something. And something I say about not just politics, but everything is the more strongly you feel about something, the earlier you bring it up, Right. If you are 100% die hard on one side or the other, and you would never, ever consider the other side, put it in your profile, because that's going to rule out a ton of people. Good. Because those people, you're basically, you know that those aren't your people. So you're going to want to save time, save your time and their time. But, you know, be careful how strongly you think you feel. There's things that are deal breakers and there's things that are preferences. But again, if it really is a deal breaker for you, be upfront about it and save everybody some time.

Well, this is why when we have clients work with us, they go through this process we call the seven little love steps. And we have a little love step called Little Love Step number two, where they create a love vision. And rather than it being this long list of every single thing I want in a guy and a person, it's actually an exercise to get to the core of our needs. And what I tell clients is that if their political affiliation is in their love vision, and that means that, like, you're out at night and you meet a guy who's 6, 5, he's so charming, he's so handsome, but he's a different political side than you. You would never date him. You wouldn't even consider if that's the level of how strongly you feel about this, okay, fine, throw it in your profile. But if you would be willing to acquiesce and be like, oh, you know what? I've explored a little bit because he's really handsome, he's really funny, he's really charming, then that means it's actually not part of your love vision, and I would not put that in your profile. So just once again, depends on the severity. Look, if you're a congressperson, yeah, you're probably going to put in your profile. Okay. Because it's not going to make sense. Although there is. There are some pundits.

There's.

Who are they? I think there's someone on MSNBC and someone on Fox News. I don't know if they're still doing it where they're married.

There's the old guy, James Carville.

Yeah. Yeah.

Him and his wife are completely opposite. But even, like he'll say is like, yeah, we're. We have completely opposite views, but we both care very much about politics. And like, I think that's a really interesting nuanced way of looking at it. It's like on specific issues, we have some difference of opinions, but we are both passionate about these topics and are good at having conversations about it. And I think that that's smart in a way. Right. Yeah.

The thing they have in common is politics. Now, their views on it might be a little bit different. And for many of you, that might sound really cringeworthy to be with someone who is the exact opposite than you and they feel really strongly about it, fine, but that's not most people. But it just does go to show that, like, in many ways we can, again, we can bridge that gap. Which kind of leads me to another point on this, which is avoid kind of filling in the blanks. Don't fib yourself. As Gary always says, don't rely on signs to determine what. What he may be or may not be politically like if he drives a pickup truck and likes to hunt, of course he must be a Republican. I mean, the reality is he could be anything, right? Or if he drives a hybrid, he drives a Prius, he does yoga, he must be a Democrat, and therefore he must believe in X, Y and Z. We need to avoid as much as possible to stereotype. And this is really hard because it goes against human nature. I mean, by. As humans, we try to avoid any type of cognitive overload and try to. So what we do is basically put people in buckets everywhere we go. And we're like, oh, yeah, he likes yoga. Of course he voted for Kamala. Oh, he has a pickup truck. Of course he's a Trumper. But give yourself, if you're, if you're interested in someone and you're dating, give it a second look. Because these biases that we have in our brain, they can really lead us astray and causes to avoid some amazing opportunities. And so many times in my life, personally, I don't know about you, Gary, but like, I have been shocked. Like when I met you, I was like, oh, this is some professor guy. I mean, you know, like, it took.

Us a while to work through that.

It took us about 10 minutes with a beer, you know, and we worked right through it. But, you know, it really is. If you just, if you spend enough time with anyone, they will shock you in some way, shape or form. And many times people are. They just don't fit into the little, careful little bucket you put them in.

Yeah. And it's like, you know, when it comes down to it, a lot of those signs that we're trying to read into are stereotype based. And if you look at yourself and the stereotypes people might form about you, all of a sudden you start realizing very quickly how unfair it is. Right. I will do this with clients all the time. They'll say, oh, well, this guy posted a picture of him with a fish and so he must be blank. And I'll say, you know, this particular client that says this is wearing glasses. And I said, well, you know, everyone that wears glasses is nerdy and, you know, isn't any fun at all. It's like, well, wait, wait. Well, that, yeah, that's not right. That's not fair. It's not fair. Just based on one little thing to jump to this big conclusion. Like, you would hate the thought of other people doing this to you, so let's not do this to other people. Right? And I think, you know, to combat stereotypes really comes down to being intellectually curious and so that's our fourth key to dating across the aisle. Turning red and blue into purple, which is you don't have to match. Like, you don't have to be the exact same political affiliation, but you need to be intellectually curious. And so the opposite of intellectual curiosity is a bad approach, which is, I'm right, they're wrong. I'm just going to deal with it. I'm just going to ignore it. I'm going to, you know, close my ears, close. I'm just going to, like, we're just going to avoid this topic altogether, and everything will work out fine. Nope, it won't. Right. You're going to bury that problem, and it's going to grow into a bigger problem later. The better way is, oh, our views are different. What does he actually think about? Fill in the blank topic. I wonder why he thinks this way. Is there something I'm missing? And so that way of approaching another person is intellectual curiosity. So you want to be this. Now you also want to have a guy and find a guy who's also intellectually curious himself. And so you can't just on date one say, kind sir, are you intellectually curious? You can't do it that way. But you can ask questions that kind of dig into tendencies for curiosity. Like, what was the last thing you learned that completely changed the way you thought about something? No, we should have, like, you should have changed your mind about things. What's. Here's another one. What's a topic you know nothing about would love to understand better? Like, do they want to learn? Are they open to new ideas? And the last one, what questions are you currently wrestling with in your life or work? Now, someone who's intellectually curious has things that they're wondering about. They're thinkers. They're in their head a little bit. And so at the end of the day, with all this stuff about dating across aisle, you got to give yourself a little tough love. You got to be honest with yourself. Do you want to have a good conversation, or do you just want to find people who agree with you? And so something goes back to something Adam said earlier is like, there's a lot of value to having people in your life that don't fully agree with you. That's how we grow. It challenges you, and what challenges you changes you. And so you have to think, like, what new views and perspectives are you going to seek out and be open to and to help you grow?

Amen. So, ladies, get out there. Go find yourself someone on in with the red. Go find Yourself, someone with the blue. Go find. Let's create a little bit of purple in this world. I think it's not so bad because honestly, Gary, I think the world is just boring to be with someone who just agrees with everything you say. It really is.

It is. Because it's like, I don't know, like, I like thinking differently. I like. And I might land back where I started, but now I just. There. There's something into. In the intellectual journey of considering new ideas that I've. I think people find interesting.

Yeah, that's why I love you, man. You're always disagreeing with me. It's so annoying. Dude, just agree with me. Everyone else in the company just says, yes, Adam, of course, you're the CEO. I will do what you say. And then I got Gary raising his hand being like, adam, no.

I'm like, are we sure about this?

Sure that you want to do that whole thing? I'm like, he's right. Okay, Gary, that was a lot of fun. I hope that changed some perspectives out there. And we just hope that you get out there, find love, and do it in a way that sets you up for long term success with an interesting relationship. So thanks, Gary. That was a lot of fun.

All right, thanks, Adam.

All right, thank you so much for being a part of the Love Strategies community. By getting to the end of the podcast, you have proven that you are a high value woman who deserves a long lasting relationship and we would love to help you get there. So what I recommend you do is go to loveapply.com and you can claim a free love strategy session where someone on my team is going to get on a call with you on a zoom session, be able to understand your challenges and see whether or not we can help you make that a reality this year. So head on over to loveapply.com, apply for that free love strategy session, and we cannot wait to help you attract that man you truly deserve. All right, thanks for being here.