How to Find Love as a Widow: 7 Things You Need to Know

In today's podcast, we're going to be diving deep into one of the most important topics and I think one of the most important types of clients that we work with, which are widows. Widows who have lost their lifelong partner and are really looking for the next stage of their life. And Gary, something we've certainly seen over the past three or four years is we've had a massive influx of widows that want to work with us, who want to take that next step on their journey. But they look at the modern dating scene as totally different from anything they experience before they met their husband. Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, and professional dating coach and founder of love strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. And so I think this is going to be a really important one for those of you who are, who are widowed and looking to get back out there.

It's intimidating. I think that's the word that clients use the most is intimidating. Confusing and then frankly just lost for, for many reasons. But you know, modern dating is, is different. And so I, I wanted to start today's podcast off with a story, a client story. I'm going to call her Denise. It's not her real name because we really want to protect our clients privacy. But here's, here's her story and it's a common. I picked this one because it's a common one. It shares a lot of commonalities with lots of, lots of different clients. Essentially, she started dating her college sweetheart. They got married in their 20s. In her words, it was a good marriage to a really good man. They raised two kids together, but unfortunately he passed away from pancreatic cancer a little less than two years ago. Understandably, she was hesitant to get back out there and not because he wouldn't want her to. In fact, he, he said in his own words he wanted her to find love again. They even talked about it during his extensive time battling cancer and her taking care of him. She honestly still feels a little guilty. She's a little not sure. But at the same time she feels like it's her time, like she spent a lot of time caring for him, but that it's, it's her turn. Right. But it's tough, right? Because as she said, she hasn't dated in decades. She didn't want to date for decades. Like she had everything she ever wanted. The apps didn't exist back then. You know, cell phones didn't exist back when she started dating. Right. It's like, so not only does she feel lost and confused by the logistics, but the whole idea of getting back out there is wrapped up and a lot of emotion. And so fast forward a little bit and ultimately I'm sharing this story because Denise did find love. She's about to celebrate her five month anniversary with this really fantastic man. Things are going amazing and we help lots of clients just like Denise navigate this season of their life. And so, you know, we hold it, we even hold in our program special masterminds that we call Love After Loss, specifically for groups of our clients who are widows to get together, support each other, talk about these exact topics that we're going to share a little bit with you today.

Yeah. And I appreciate you sharing that. And I know Denise's story and I talked to her about it. And I know that when she found this new person, she had to recognize that this time around it wasn't going to be the same as it was with her husband. And that's okay. That was the big thing that we talked about in that conversation. And that's okay. It's going to be different and it'll be beautiful. It'll be different in many ways that are wonderful. In some ways that might not be as wonderful, but that's the beauty of life. It's just a new chapter. And it sounds so cheesy, but it really was that type of a conversation that I think, you know, and the, the coaching that we, they got from her, from you and from the rest of our, our coaches that just allowed her to, like, this is okay. And so we want that for everyone else listening in today to feel like they can be set free in their love life if they are going through that grieving process or they, you know, even if it's been many years since the loss of your, your husband. So I think this is a really important one. Gary, thanks for putting it together.

Yeah. And so, you know, we're going to share a glimpse of some of the insights we shared with Denise and many of our other clients and we're going to address concerns today in the pod. Things like is it okay to date again? The idea that I'll never find a love like that Again. And the last one, which is really pragmatic, is like, when should I tell the people that I'm dating about my past? And so, you know, I think today is a. Is a little different podcast for us. It's because finding love again is after. Losing a spouse is deeply personal, and the journey is a little bit different for everyone. But at the same time, I do think there are some common mindsets and strategies that we have seen help our clients that we're hoping can help you, our listeners.

I will say, Gary, I don't know about you, but anytime I hear from one of our widows talking about her incredible relationship with her ex husband, the first response I have is, I just want to go hug my wife.

Right.

Like, I really do. It just gets so emotional. Oh, man, I'm getting emotional here.

Yeah, like, you should give me goosebumps.

Don't do this.

And it's so, so early.

Too early. You know, it's a different tone. I'm not gonna have a wig in this podcast today. All right, so. But it just is so sad, and it's so nice to see them find the right person. So.

Yeah. And so I think the first mindset that is is first for a reason, because it's. It's tough, but it's necessary is, you know, you have to give yourself permission to grieve and also to love again. This is especially hard when your spouse is. Was fantastic and the man of your dreams. Finding love again isn't a betrayal. It's okay to love the person you lost and still find love again. It's not gonna be the same, but it's this idea that I think is important. It sounds a little unromantic, but it's accurate, is there's more than one person out there that can be someone that we love. It doesn't have to just be one person. And the fact you found love in the past actually greatly increases the chances that you'll find love. Head 1. Falling in love with a new person doesn't erase the love that you felt for somebody else. Your heart is capable of both. It's going to be different, but it's okay. And it's. And it's possible. And in many ways, you're gonna. You're gonna be surprised. I think in. In many ways, I see it in the clients all the time, is that they think it's, I'm never gonna find. Never gonna find, Never, never, never, never, never. And then it's like, oh, yeah, it's not the same. It's not better. Or worse, it's different, but it is, it's, it's great, it's fulfilling. And I think that's important.

That's why I think the myth of quote unquote, the one or your soulmate holds so many people back, even if you're not grieving the death of your previous partner. Even if you just think, I need to find that one person, that perfect soulmate. I think it holds so many people back when, and especially certainly when you're a widow, because guess what? There isn't just one person for you. You had a person, an incredible partner, and that's one chapter of your life. But this is where people don't give themselves permission to move on if they're stuck with this belief system that there really is only one person. And I've seen it from so many times, and that's the first thing we tackle is just saying, look, he was the one for you during that chapter of your life and, and now it's time to move forward with your life because that's what he would want for you. So. Which I think segues well into the second point, which is there really is no quote unquote, right timeline. Like one thing I've found with grieving, whether it's grieving the loss of a partner or grieving heartbreak from a relationship, is there is no exact expiration date. It doesn't follow a timeline. I've seen some people who, they've been divorced for only six months from a 20 year marriage and are ready to date again. Oh my God, they're ready to just go make it happen. They're like, you know that that relationship was dead five years ago. Anyways, I'm ready to move forward. And I've seen some people who, they might be in a situationship or casual relationship with a guy for six months and they're still grieving that loss for, you know, four years. And, and I think the same thing goes with the death of a partner. You know, we've had widows certainly who have, it's been five years since the death of their partner and they're still very much so in the grieving process. And we've had others that it's been a very short period of time and they're really just ready for the next chapter. So I think it's just so important for you to recognize that regardless if you're still going through the grieving process or you're done, that is okay as well. Don't allow other people's timelines, expectation or judgments to dictate what you're going to do with your life, go at your speed. You're doing life on your own, and you're creating your own life, not someone else's. It's not up to other people to dictate how it is that you live your life.

Yeah. And I think a really important part of this is you are in the best place to know when you're mostly ready. And I'll notice I worded that very intentionally. I said mostly because you are never, ever likely to feel 100%, absolutely certain that you're ready. And that's true about being a widow, finding your next part. It's true about most things in life. You're never going to be 100%, absolutely certain and ready about anything. And so you just have to feel mostly ready. And that's okay, because no one's going to be totally ready, and you're never going to feel totally ready. But there's something to be said for feeling mostly ready and getting out there and trying things. I also think the thing about grief, and my wife Colleen, she was a hospice social worker for a little while, that I've heard about grief, that always kind of stuck with me, which is we don't need to wait for the grief to subside because the grief is always going to be with us. When we experience loss, the key is to build our life and make our life bigger around the grief. And it's like there's something about that. I don't even know if that's necessarily true in an absolute sense, but it feels. It's. I don't know, that feels so empowering to me. Like, the few times I've experienced loss in my life, it's. I don't know if I think about those. Some of those losses, I can still get really, really upset about it, but it's like my life has grown bigger since that time. So by proportion, the grief lessens. And I think there's something to be said about, you know, dating again helps make your life bigger. Meeting new people, joining new groups and. And just getting out there and doing new things helps make your life bigger, which helps counteract some of the grief that you experience.

Yeah, it kind of paints a vision in my head. Rather than it being like you've lost a limb or you've lost a massive part of you, which you have, it's much more of this is part of you, that it's part of your foundation, and that's okay, and you're building on top of it, and it will always be with you through your life, but that's just kind of a part of you. I, I, I really like that. I'm going to be certainly using that forward in my life, certainly when I'm dealing with grief.

Yeah. And I think, you know, part of this mostly ready idea is in becoming mostly ready, one of the things you really want to make sure you do, which is, is number three on our list here, is heal before you start dating. And again, not 100% heal, but mostly heal because it's important to enter a new relationship from a place of wholeness, not emptiness. You look, you're not, you don't want to go out there looking for someone to fill the void, to fill what's missing, to fix the parts that are broken. New relationships aren't there for that. Your job is to do that work on your own, be mostly healed so that you can share the best of you with somebody else, not looking for them to fix what you think you need to have fixed.

Yeah, I mean, when I think of healing, that word is thrown around so much. And my definition of that in regards to grieving is that we want to discover our own identity on our own before we start dating again. Because when we lose, when we're with a partner for 20 years, your identities become intertwined with one another. I mean, whether you like it or not, in any type of relationship, you slowly but surely kind of become a part of each other. You become a unit. And there's a healthy way of doing that, and there's an unhealthy way of doing that. We won't go there. But when you lose your partner, there's, there is this feeling of a loss of identity, like, who am I in this world? And I look at grieving and we work with a lot of people who grieve. Again, the loss of a partner with a breakup, or certainly with the death of a partner. But it's all about starting by discovering who you are, who you want to be, and where you want to go in life. And that is my definition of healing. You don't have to be 100% on all of that, but going through that process first is very important because if you don't have your identity at least somewhat defined, you're going to be seeking someone else to combine your identity with very quickly. And you're, that's. I don't know if that kind of lands, Gary, but that's how I think of it. You don't want to just be jumping right in to create this new identity with someone else. Because you don't have your own.

You're speaking my language. Like, this is literally the area of relationship science that I. My research is on, I've been researching for. For 20 years, is like, how who you are as a person, your identity, impacts your relationships going in. When you lose a relationship, it's exactly as you described, and you lose part of yourself, and it can make you really vulnerable to letting someone else fill that in and start defining you. And in some ways, that can be really detrimental if you pick the wrong partner. And so it's really important to make sure you're a full, complete, as we say to our clients all the time, full, complete, amazing, fulfilled person. Job number one, be the right person. And that attracts the right person, in that order. Super, super important. So the fourth mindset is kind of something that I think is probably the most common pushback you hear as clients start getting back out into the dating world is they say things like, it won't be the same. I'll never find that again. I'll never find a love like that again. And so it's kind of like, you know, this is futile, so I don't know why I'm bothering. And so it won't be the same. I'll never find that again. And to which I always respond the same thing, which is like, yes and no. Like, you're not going to find that again with your former partner. And the love you had with him was unique because of him. But don't undersell yourself. You brought much of the magic to that relationship, too. You were the reason for a lot of the magic that happened in that relationship. It wasn't all him. It was both of you. And so you're a big part of what made that relationship special. I also suggest people, you don't want the exact same. That relationship, it was reserved for your past partner. Your wants, needs, and values have changed. You look at Denise like is the person she was 20 years ago when she met her partner. Is that the same as she is today? She would agree that no, she's a very different person. And so the love and the relationship that's going to form with her current partner is just going to be fundamentally different because Denise is fundamentally different. Part of her identity now is shaped by her last relationship and the loss of her husband, her caregiver role that has changed her. And so different doesn't have to mean worse. Different doesn't have to mean better necessarily either. It's just different is different. You're different. Your relationship's going to Be different. And that's great. And I think the fundamental good news with all this is that you found that amazing kind of love once. So you are in a unique position because you're going to be more able to attract it, to recognize it when you see it, and then grow something amazing from it.

Yeah. And we want to be able to give you a resource for those of you who are listening and are ready to start taking some of these steps forward. And it's a special seminar that Gary, myself, and Coach Robin also put together, who I think you'll enjoy a lot in the seminar where we walk through the seven steps to get out there and find your person. And it's a good starting point for you to start envisioning that next step in your future, to start thinking about what it might be like if you were with a different person. And so we'll leave a link in the description. You can also just go to lonelytolove.com It's a special link that'll take you straight to that seminar. You can check it out and I think it'll help you out a lot as you're going through this process. Yeah. Now, moving from there, I do want to say that a lot of people, when they do start dating, they wonder, should I really be talking about this with a new guy that I'm going out with? Should I tell him everything about my previous partner? Like, how much information do I need to give in these dating situations I find myself in? And look, we are huge proponents of dating with authenticity and being honest about your loss. But we want you to do it at the right time. Because when you're starting to date and meet new people, it's all about you and that new person. And I get it. You have a past. There's a huge part of you that he doesn't know about, he doesn't have context about. And I understand there's this massive pull to bring him into that. But what that does is it can break the connection right off the bat. And so we really recommend, certainly on the first date, to focus your attention on your date, on getting to know him, to seeing if he's a good potential future for you. Then once you're moving past that second, third date, we can certainly start talking a bit about the past in a healthy way, bringing up your past relationship. It's a huge part of your life story and he's going to appreciate it. But we just really recommend on that first date, focusing your attention on just you and your date and not bring your past into that first meeting.

Yeah, it's something we suggest the clients in many different contexts, which is just remember the fact, like, you're multifaceted. You're not defined by any one thing, experience anything. There's many different sides to you. And so it's not inauthentic to share different sides at different times. And so, you know, the principle I always share with clients when it comes to this and many other things is just some, not all. Like, that's okay. You don't have to give the full, complete story on the first pass. It's actually desirable not to, because it creates a little mystery. It creates a little sense of, like, we'll get to that in the future. And we start thinking more about the future, which. Which is great. And I think it's important, too, to remember that guys will ask about your past partner because they're trying to be polite. It's not because they're prying. They don't want to not ask because they feel like not asking would be rude. So they ask. And I know, like, I've seen some clients, they're like, he was asking questions about it. Like, can you believe that he would do that? It's like, I honestly don't think he was doing it out of anything other than he just felt like that was the right thing to do. But I think it's also important, and we try to arm our clients with things to say in these moments to make these moments easier to say. Something along the lines of, you know, I really appreciate you asking, but I'd rather not get into all that right now. Though I do look forward to sharing more about it with you in the future. Like, that's clear, that's honest, that's direct, that's authentic communication. And the vast majority, I'll roughly put it at 99.98 of guys are gonna be like, okay, cool. Like, that's great, right? And he's gonna totally understand.

Definitely. And if he doesn't and he's prying, maybe he's not the right fit for you. All right. Maybe he has an extra right.

Definitely not.

Like, who's gonna pry into that?

Right?

Like, really? Come on, dude. Hold it together. Now, with that said, as you do, start getting out there. This is so important to realize that you might have some mixed emotions. Expect it. It's coming. You're gonna feel a massive amount of joy. You're gonna feel some guilt. You're gonna feel some fear, you're gonna feel some hope, and it's all gonna be intermingled with one another and it's gonna be very confusing and can all show up together. All of that is very normal. Gary, one thing I love so much about, especially our new platform and we have an app now for our clients where they all connect with each other and make friends. So I think one of the most important things that we do actually has nothing to do with you and I, Gary. And I love that. It's about them connecting with each other and realizing that they're not alone and the feelings that they have are normal. Like, it's okay to be confused. It's understandable that you're going through this. It doesn't mean we should always listen to that emotion, but it at least normalizes it so we're not looking in the mirror and being like, why am I a crazy person right now? Right. Like, it just allows you to be like, oh, okay, she's going through some stuff herself. I get it. And I can connect with that. And it just normalizes. It makes you feel okay, and it almost allows the emotion to subside when you're like, okay, other people are going through this. That's okay. Gary and Adam say, it's cool. Like, let's just move forward with our lives. And then suddenly that emotion just kind of moves past. Then you can move forward in your life.

If we were talking about this topic in a group of people, group of women, there are a hundred people in the room. He said, how many of you, when it comes to things not going well, almost reflexively, instantaneously blame yourself, like, what am I doing wrong? By a show of hands, nearly every hand would go up. And I think that's where it's so important to have other people in your orbit going through the same thing so that you realize, oh, wait a second, everyone's doing this. So it's not about me. Which very nicely segues into our last piece here, which is seek support from others who understand. And this is maybe sounds like a jerky thing to say, but the other people who understand may not be your friends and family. They may be super well intentioned. But a lot of times, some of the things that our friends and family say aren't the greatest advice. It's not.

We hear that a lot with widows where their children are really saying, mom, you can't keep. You can't start dating again. What are you doing? Right, Right. Like that. That might really resonate with a lot of you listening in. We hear that a lot where the kids just are not emotionally ready, but you are. And they can't come to terms with the fact that you're ready for your next stage and you matter as well through this process.

Right.

And I mean, we. We hear that all the time, don't we, Gary?

Yeah, it's. And what I always say about the friends and family thing is your friends and family absolutely want what's best for you. True. 100% point blank period. That's 100. True. They just don't happen to know what that is all the time. And so the kids who don't want you to date, they want what's best for you. They're trying to protect you, but they don't necessarily know that that's protective or potentially harmful. They just don't know. And so having other people in your orbit, in your support system who are there, who are knowledgeable, who know the right things to say, how to say them, right, kind of what you're going through is super helpful. And Adam just mentioned our amazing community. It's something I've seen firsthand on the masterminds. We have a monthly mastermind dedicated just for love after loss. And you just see the community that grows around this shared experience. And you just, you see people in real time, like, oh, yeah, me too. Oh, my gosh, I went through that too. Right? Like, how. When do you stop wearing your ring? Like, just basic, very tangible, simple things that it's nice just to kind of reality test them with a bunch of other women who have gone through the exact same thing. I've seen it on a mastermind where it wasn't a love after lost mastermind, but it was someone discussing a lot of these topics, and they start telling their story and the tears start flowing, and immediately you have like half a dozen people all jumping to their aid, like, girl, I got you. Like, this is fine. I'm here with you. I understand. You know, hey, talk to me. After people are leaving their numbers, call me. We need to talk. Like, I'm with you. I've got you. And it's just like, again, goosebumps. I give myself goosebumps. It's just like, that's the stuff. Like, that is the stuff that we so desperately need sometimes.

Definitely. And so if that sounds like something you'd want to be a part of, if you want Gary to say, girl, I got you. I would love to hear Gary say that himself. That would be awesome. I'm sure he says that on masterminds. I gotta watch some of them. Then what you can do is apply to work with us. It's@loveapply.com you have to apply for what we call Love Strategy session, where you talk with someone on our team. They the reason why we have Love Strategists is to protect this community. We're very, very intentional about who it is we bring in. This isn't some, like, weird Facebook group or some weird Reddit thread or anything like this. These are women who adhere to the same value systems that we teach and want to lean in and want to be a part of a very positive group. Because it's not just about all the training that we give, and we give a lot of it. It's not just about the coaching that we give and we give a lot of it. It's about the organism, about the unit that we've created, which is our program we call Love Accelerator. We have thousands of women that are in it that are getting results every single day. So if that's something you want to be a part of, we would love for you to apply. Jump on that session. Again, that's loveapply.com and regardless of whether or not you do that, we just want you all to know if you're going through this, we're here for you. We're here to guide you every single day. And you do deserve the right type of love, even if you've gone through a lot of loss. Thank you, Gary. I appreciate it.

Yeah, thanks, Adam.