How to Know When a Relationship Is Over (2 Key Lessons)

And just think about how many times in relationships we do this. We have this idea of a person when we first meet them. Oh, my God, he is a doctor. He's so funny. He's so charming. He's so great with my parents when he met them, three dates in. And then when, as things go on, he starts cheating on you, he starts treating you really, really poorly, he's emotionally abusive. He's even possibly physically abusive. And we bring that initial idea of that human being to the present as if it matters. Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else. Backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences, your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. It's the first day that we hung out in person, in real life, right, Gary? It was the first time we ever hung out.

First time a little over a year ago.

And do you still love me? Is this lasting love? I don't know. Are you sick of me? I feel like our passionate love is over and now we're in companionate love.

And I still feel firmly in the honeymoon stage. I'm okay.

Yeah, right. You're so sick of me at this point. What are you talking about? I still, I, I, I'm still passionate love. I'm, I'm a hundred percent honeymoon with.

You, but only, only eyes for you.

Amen. That's what I like to hear, baby. But no, this is, this is a story about us on our first day getting together and we went out for, for, was that dinner and Jessica was there and one of my, my other friends. Gary, why don't you take the story from here?

So, you know, you'd think like two guys, both relationship experts, all we do is think about and talk about relationships all the time. We ended up talking to the, the waitress. And you think because of our background, like, we would have talked about her relationship, but we didn't, we didn't talk about her relationship at all. No, we talked about her car.

Well, she talked about her car for a long time.

A long time.

And totally one of those waitresses that just lingers where you're like, are you, are you done yet? Like, we're, I'm hanging Out with my new bestie, Gary. Go away, server. You're super nice, but, like, come on.

Anyways, and it's even like, it was my fault because it was something I. We were talking about cars and you were, like, thinking about getting a new car. I was trying to convince you to get a Tesla. Yeah, Jess didn't want a Tesla, and I was trying to. I was being a spoon, trying to stir it up a little bit. Like, you didn't. You should really get a Tesla, Jazz, because Adam wants a Tesla in any case. So then you asked me about my car and I started talking about, I. Like, I have a 10 year old car. I saw the same car because I love it. It's 10 years old. It's like the technology in it is, like, from 50 years ago because it's got an ipod connector, but it's got, like one of those ipod connectors that's in the glove box and it's the old ipod connector.

Like, it's pretty sweet, though. I like your car. It's terrible.

It's.

I.

It doesn't have a backup camera. Like, it's. It doesn't have any technology stuff, but I. It's an Audi. I love it. Like, it's fast. I love it. I love it. I'm keeping it till it dies.

But anyway, it's fast because you put your pedal to the metal, dude, You're a very fast driver. You're a terrifying driver. Side note, pretty.

Anyways, so you said, like, Jordan's one of those waitress. She was like a table over, heard me saying something about my car and came over and was like, hey, I got it. I got a terrible car. We're like, okay, okay. She said, and this is a direct quote, her car sucked so bad. Like, that's quite the ringing endorsement for your car. So now, like, the psychological Boston, by the way.

Yeah, wicked sucked. It was wicked bad. It sucks so effing bad.

It's a wicked piss of a car.

Don't worry. There's a love lesson here for all of you. I promise. We're not just talking about cars. We're gonna get there.

But so, like, the psychologist in me is like, ever. Like, she had to, like, come and make this point. And I was like, okay, you got me. I'll bite. Why? What's going on with your car? Do you. Do you remember what she said was wrong with her car?

Something like her key fob or something like that was.

I don't know, it was everything. And that's. It's. It's easy to forget because I think the story was long. I don't know if it was the wine. I don't know. I blacked out. She was still talking. She just went on and on about all these problems and it. But here's the thing, and what she said very seriously was this was her first serious car. She did not enter into this lightly. She did all the research, all of it all. She checked it all out and she actually, she got a high end car. I'm not going to say the name of this car because I don't want to get sued and I want Adam to get sued. But it was like a car that when you hear the name brand on this car, like, that's good car. It wasn't like another car that I also not going to name because I don't get sued. But she kept saying like it did. It broke down this time, the key.

Fob, it was a lemon. It was such a lemon. Just everything, day after day after day, just like week after week, just constant issues with this car.

Clearly a problem. And so I'm like, you still have this car? She's like, oh, yeah, of course I do.

Of course.

And I said, and you're keeping it? Of course I'm keeping it. Of.

This is. This is my car. This is my car. I did a lot of research in getting this car.

Okay, so now just from the little bit we've said, and Adam, you were. Should she have kept this car?

Emphatically, no. No, next.

No, next.

Next. Next. Next to this car.

Not at all. And it's like, so sometimes when it's a car, it's. Particularly when it's not your car, it's easy to see. And even if it is your car, it's easier to see than if it's your relationship. And really, this, her whole approach to that car is a perfect metaphor for relationships because people get into them and they're serious about them and it was their first serious one and it matters. And there's a problem. Yeah. And so every time there's a problem. Adam, what do, what do people do in relationship when they experience these problems?

When they experience a problem in the relationship? Yeah, they justify it. I mean, they just, they. They justify and they say, oh, no, no, no, it's okay. You know, he. He's not usually like that. He's usually very sweet. Even though he just screamed at me in front of 25 people. My best friends, my birthday party. No, no, no, no.

He. Behind closed doors, right?

That's like being like, oh, the brand new Car. Oh, no, no. It doesn't break down that often. It's just like, you know, I know last week I was in the shop, and then today, you know, the. The steering wheel wasn't really working, so almost got an accident. But hey, it's such a great car.

It's so great. Yeah, because when she first got that car, it was her. Like, it was such a part of her, and it was really good at first. And so everything she's doing now is kind of hearkening back to that earlier time and using that to excuse a lot of the terrible behaviors in her partner or car. Right. It's like all these problems become excusable because you can remember it used to be better, and so you're just planning on it being better. The car is part of her identity. And so. And here's the thing that really ties into relationships. When you hear. When she. When Jordan talked about her cars, she even said something in the effect of. I know other people would have traded this car in. They would have quit on this car, but not me, because I'm devoted.

I'm so devoted and I'm so committed to this car because this car has the astrological sign that is perfectly in alignment with my astrological sign that I must keep this car until the end of this car or whatever. I mean, it really does become. It's so. It was such an amazing moment because everyone at the table could know with absolute certainty that it's time to sell this effing lemon of a car, this piece of crap car that needs to be gone so that you can finally have a reliable piece of transportation get rid of it. But she was. It was so intertwined with her, like you said, her identity, how she sees herself. Oh, this is a really nice car. This is a really good brand. And just think about how many times in relationships we do this. We have this idea of a person when we first meet them. Oh, my God, he is a doctor. He's so funny. He's so charming. He's so great with my parents when he met them, three dates in. And then when, as things go on, he starts cheating on you, he starts treating you really, really poorly. He's emotionally abusive. He's even possibly physically abusive. And we bring that initial idea of that human being to the present as if it matters, because it doesn't. It doesn't. It's irrelevant. I don't care if this is a Ferrari of a car. Who gives a. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. If it's A Ferrari of a guy, and he's abusing you. Who gives a. He's still a piece of crap. It's still a lemon. So I think in relationships, we have to be able to determine when a relationship is 11, and maybe there should be lemon laws for relationships. What do you think, Garrett?

I mean, how many people out there are thinking right now, I would like to, you know, trade this person back in? Right. It's like, hey, there, ladies.

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The funny. It. I was going to say the funniest thing, but it's. It's really actually quite sad is that she talked about all this with such a self. She was proud of the fact that she was dedicated and she was loyal and she was committed.

Yeah.

But she was miserably devoted to. Without realizing it necessarily, she kind of knew, like, look. But, like, in a. In a weird way, the hardship was part of what she was in this for because she got a chance to fix it, rally around it, and keep showing how devoted and loyal she was over and over and over again. Which. That's a lot of the signs, and that's a lot of the messages we get about being romantic in a relationship. So this. This brings us to, like, the. The key lessons from the key takeaways from. From the Jordan car story, which is this idea of, like, don't romanticize the wrong things. Dedication, loyalty, and commitment in and of themselves aren't romantic. Those only become romantic when it's to the right person, to a person who's bringing you fulfillment. Dedication, loyalty, and commitment for the sake of dedication, loyalty and commitment is actually just a bad decision. Unless it's for the right person.

Yeah. Dedication, loyal commitment to the right person. If they're going through a difficult time in life, God forbid they have an accident and they're disabled. Let's just say, just as a really extreme example, dedication, commitment in that situation, to the right person is romantic, but to the wrong person who doesn't treat you well, who's not a good partner to you, who. That is just stupidity. That's as stupid as this woman who's holding into. Onto her really crappy car.

Yeah.

It's like, you know, continue.

Sorry, I was just gonna say, you know, like, you're saying it's stupid because, like, love makes you blind, deaf, and a little dumb. Right. And so you're. It's an emotional decision. You're staying loyal for emotional reasons. It. And this is kind of, you know, what we're always trying to do is, like, show you strategies to change your mindset to, like, override or counteract some of that emotion so you can make a better decision, a better decision for you going forward. Right. And so with realizing that, that you're. You're kind of being loyal and dedicated, committed for the wrong reasons, you got to kind of like, implement something. You got to take the next step. And so the thing you really have to avoid, and this is the second key lesson, this is the thing that Jordan made a mistake on the first time when there was a real major problem. And then I forget what it was, but it was like her transmission fell out or she was on the side of the road. It was something tragic.

It was really bad. It was like, broken down on 93 in the middle of Boston, like, oh, she was like, flagging down cars under the. The path. It was so.

It was bad, but it was like something fell out. And it was like the car just shut. And it was like, okay, this is clear a problem. Okay. So the mistake she made is she continued devoting time, effort, and energy to something that was just a bad. The lemon of a relationship is a lemon of a car. And so, yeah, you know what economists call this now?

What?

Throwing good money after bad.

And so committed.

Yep. It's like, this is a failing enterprise. I'm going to keep throwing money at it until it's successful. And what you end up realizing is that just helps you lose more money.

Right.

At some point, you have to see things for what they are and basically cut your losses.

Yeah.

Pouring more time, energy, effort, dedication, loyalty, commitment into the lemon of a partner just prolongs the misery that you're going to experience in that relationship.

And it's so hard when you're in it to know it's so hard, because when you're in it, you just want to push through and you want to make it work. And I've been there in romantic relationships, professional relationships with friendships, where you just, like, want to make it work. But what you want to be looking for are the patterns, Consistent patterns. Okay. One time, transmission blows out. Okay. I'm gonna maybe try and make this work, but it happens three, four other times, and then notice how it's negatively impacting your life. Okay, he's late once. Okay, I understand. No problem. But then it turns out that he misses a really important event in your life, and then he doesn't show up to that family reunion because he went drinking with his buddies. And then it turns out that he's texting with other women at the same time even though he told you he's not. And then once we start seeing these patterns, we have to be real with ourselves, because if there's anything I've learned in life, it's that history repeats itself. You can't change people when they're fundamentally flawed like this. You can't change them, as psychologists say. What.

What is it psychologists say, you know, related to that is like, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. And so, you know, to expect someone to flip the switch and kind of turn it all around. You're hoping for the wrong thing. And it's like, you know, all this kind of just shows we tend to hold on to these failing relationships too long. And so often people focus on, like, they don't want to quit too early on a relationship, but they really don't pay attention enough to this idea of, you know, what's costing them by holding on too long. And it's like, holding on too long cost you time, cost you emotional energy, cost you money. Like, in. Particularly in the case of your car, We. We're looking. We. What people really want and what Jordan wanted with her car was the original cars she had. And, like, that car, it's not coming back. Yeah, I think it's the same thing with relationships. And so it's. It's all a matter of, you know, just kind of realizing the simple, simple truth, which is, like, you can do better. You deserve better. You got to go out and find better.

Gary, you ready for this? I got a new saying.

Are you ready?

Are you ready? Because this is pretty good. Just like you want to get rid of lemons that are cars. You want to get rid of lemons. What do we think? Like, L E M a n He's a le man.

It sounds. It sounds vaguely French in a poorly spoken Boston accent, but, yeah, it's good.

Actually, as I'm saying out loud, this is really stupid, but I was, like, googling. I'm like, I'm gonna buy lemon.com if this is available, and then send everyone there. It's not available. I don't know. What is@leman.com. but if he's a lemon, let him go, lemon. That's not gonna stick. It's not. I thought it was better in my head. It sounded better than it does here, but it's close.

One other just kind of random thought about Le Man. It's like the hardest thing, you know, like, lemons are called lemons because it's like, they look good, they smell good, it all seems good, but then you get inside, and it's sour. And that's, like, where that saying comes from. And sometimes when it's your lemon. Now I'm trying not to say le man. When it's like your lemon, you. It's hard for you to figure it out because you're so committed to it. But it's like you said about us. The four of us sitting around that dinner table, hearing Jordan go on and on. We all knew. And so if you're not sure, ask some of the people around you, and they're not going to flat out tell you, like, yep, you're. This guy's terrible for you. Like, they're not going to flat out, but it's like, read the room a little bit. If they're like, oh, my gosh, she's amazing. Okay, fine. If they're like, well, I don't know, what do you think? Like, if they're kind of hesitant about it, that's a sign, right, that people around you are not so sold. And that's important. You got to get. You got to get some of that insider information.

Yeah. Getting external support, whether it's through friends, family, or through, like, what we do with Love accelerator and our coaching, it's so powerful because when we just have it in our own head, kind of sitting there thinking about it over and over again, our brains are just not capable of coming to some conclusion where it's like, okay, that's strong. But, like, generally speaking, it's hard to come to a conclusion on your own. Say, you know, I'm getting rid of this lemon, even though I am really into him, really attract him. The sex is great. Having that external support where you can actually talk it out, have someone to connect with. And many of you might have it through friends and family and so on and so forth. If you have that great lean on them. If you don't, we're always here for you. That's, I think, a huge part of having coaching and support and that kind of external feedback. And if you know what I always default to if I don't have anyone whatsoever And I need to think something through is I write it out. If you're really trying to think it, think this through with a guy, whether or not he is a lemon or not. Just write down, what are the pros, what are the cons, what's going on here? And sometimes just the act of actually writing it out, writing down your thoughts and your feelings and kind of journaling about it can give you some. Some clarity as well.

Yeah, just. And one thought on the. The writing things out, which I think is a great strategy. Remember that every relationship, every single one, is a mixture of good and bad qualities. So a lot of times the. The trap people fall into with this is if I can think of a few good things about this car or this guy, they must be okay. And that. That in and of itself isn't impressive. Like, everybody's going to have a few good qualities. No one's 100% awful. Jordan's car was not 100% awful. And so because it had a few good qualities, it was a name brand, it was a luxury brand car. She focused a lot on that very superficial thing. Right. And we can do the same kind of thing in relationships. And so, you know, it's just big picture. Right. And the one last thing is the thing that Jordan never realized and we never, like, got around to it was because she's with this car, she's not able to be with a better car, not able to own a better car or have a better. A different car. Right. And so it's the same thing in your relationship. It's like that mediocre relationship isn't like a neutral. It's holding you back from the great relationship. You actually.

Opportunity cost, baby. So there it is. So all the way. That was great, Gary. Great analogy. I can't believe you remember Jordan, by the way. I go to that restaurant still all the time. She is no longer there. I have never seen her since. So, Jordan, wherever you are, I wish you the best of luck.

If you're driving around Boston and you see somebody in an expensive car on the side of the road, just. Just give Jordan a hand, okay? She's probably gonna need it.

And I'm just gonna say lemon, and she's gonna like, what is that man saying? All right, thanks, Gary.

Speak soon. Thanks, Adam.

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