How to Overcome Jealousy in Relationships

I know a lot of clients who stick around with men who are extremely controlling, extremely suspicious of everything they do, and it's a hard trap to get out of if you're really attracted to the guy. Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast, where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else. Backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences, your hosts today are myself, Adam Lol, professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. All right, Gary, this week we are going to be talking about one of the most potent emotions that people experience throughout the dating and love process, which is jealousy. Gary, what do you think, man? Have you ever felt jealous without the dating process?

You know, and it, it's funny because, you know, as you say, like, this is. This is a big deal. Like, jealousy in relationships is one of the biggest relationship wreckers there are. I don't know, maybe because it's of my background or the kind of person I was, and that's why I went into relationships in the first. Like, I've never been a particularly jealous person. I've dated a couple, though, and it's. It's very clearly a relationship problem. Do you consider yourself a jealous person?

No, I'm not. I'm actually like, I think it has driven some women crazy because in the past, because I would be the type who would go out with, like, a girlfriend and she would, like, leave for the night and go talk to a ton of other people and that's it. And then we come back to each other and I'd be like, great. How was your night? That's actually kind of like how Jess and I mostly socialize. Like, that's one thing I noticed when we first started dating is we would go to a party and we're both very social, so we'd actually kind of separate, especially once we started living together. And. And that was it. And. And then she could talk to someone for the entire night, whatever. That's totally fine. I would do the same thing. So, no, I'm not a jealous person at all. Maybe to a fault. Is that possible?

Well, I don't know if it's to a fault, but it's definitely to a fault of the women or the partners who are trying to get you jealous or like, they're trying to use it as a sign of love and a sign of devotion. And that's one of the major mistakes that I think people make when it comes to jealousy is we kind of, for some reason, get it wrapped up in this, like, romanticized notion of, like, well, you know, if they're really. If I can get them jealous and they really want me and they freak out when I talk to other people or wonder where I'm at all the time, that just shows how much they love me. Right. And that's just flat out wrong. Like, let me know.

Find jealousy. What. What is jealousy in the first place?

Yeah, no, it's actually really smart because we actually use jealousy wrong a lot of the time. So jealousy is the emotional reaction you get when you fear that you're going to potentially lose something valuable to you. That's jealousy. So if you think your partner is going to be kind of whisked away by some other person, that's a feeling of jealousy because you're going to lose something you potentially that you. You care about right now, you have to distinguish that from envy, which is wanting something someone else has. Right. Like, I'm envious of Malcolm Gladwell's book sales. I would love it if my book sold as much as his books.

Right. Much better hair.

I'm also envious, like, you look at, like, a celebrity relationship, like Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively. I'm envious of either of them. Like, both of them are fantastic people and partners. And it's like wanting something that someone else. I want what Ryan has. I frankly, I. I would take what Blake has. Like, I mean, fantastic. Right? That's envy. Yeah. Jealousy is, oh, I'm going to lose something. And they. So you do have this really small piece of. In order to be jealous, you have to care about the thing as something you would worry about losing. And so there's that one little sliver where. Of value to jealousy that people just take and take way too far.

Yeah. And I think that that is probably why I have maybe made some women frustrated in the past by not being jealous, is because I was probably just casually dating them and I probably honestly didn't care if I lost them. Right. Like, honestly, that's a problem. If I'm really being honest, I'm actually thinking of one woman in particular, a dated probably like 15 years ago, who was very clearly trying to make me jealous in a night, and I legitimately kind of didn't care. And I think that was, like, probably. That was probably the very end of It, I was like, I'm not playing.

Any of these games.

I'm clearly not that into this anyways.

Right.

But like with Jessica, if we're going out and being super social, there's no concern of loss, so there is no jealousy, which is, there's like a deep seated security in the relationship. And it's a really interesting difference between jealousy and envy.

I haven't really thought about, well, that lack of jealousy. I mean, it comes from trust. I mean, trust is the antidote. Like, you know, you have jealousy. Like, if you want to kill jealousy, trust is going to overcome jealousy. Right. It's also just self confidence. Like, there's, there's a certain level of self confidence when your partner's out doing other things with other people. It's like, I, I know I'm a good partner. Like, I know that they're not going to just leave me because I know I'm a good enough partner that they would not think of trading me in. Right. To kind of use that. Like, they're not going to just trade me in for just some person that they just met. Right, Right. And so, you know, the research shows though, that, you know, you're talking about like women trying to get you jealous. A lot of people use jealousy as a weapon, so there's weaponized jealousy. People are more likely to use that when they're worried about closeness themselves. So they're, they're not getting enough closeness in their relationship. So they use jealousy like, oh, if I make them jealous, that's just going to bring them running. They're going to see that I'm potentially going to be lost. They're going to come running, they're going to make everything better and they're going to shower me with attention and all the love that I want. Now you, what do you think? Do you think that happens?

No, no, not if it's me. No.

It just that the research shows that that's not what happens. Like, I mean, there's a sliver, again, it's possible that someone thinks, oh, I, I should use this to improve the relationship, but that's actually not what's likely. What's likely to happen is they get aggressive, they get mad, they get, you know, get into shouting matches like, what are you doing to me? And then the more likely thing is you're trying to play games to make me jealous to, you know, close this gap. Actually what it makes me want to do is like, get, get away. Like, it, it causes people to withdraw. So you're actually, by weaponizing jealousy you're bringing about the exact opposite most of the time. From what? From the outcome that you're really desiring.

Yeah, yeah. There's such a big difference, I think, between, like, what we teach in the little love steps is creating a healthy amount of space and pacing before you're in a committed relationship, but not doing it in order to create jealousy or to play games. Do it in order to develop a healthy relationship because it's healthy to move slow before just diving right in. And hey, a great byproduct of that is that distance does create some desire, but it has to be done in a healthy way. It's not like you're going to go out and go flirt with a bunch of guys in front of him and be whispering in the corner with some guy and then getting his phone number in front of the guy that you're also talking to or posting a scandalous picture on Instagram just so he says, no, it's none of that stuff. It's instead, like pacing, move slow, keep yourself social, meet lots of other people until you're in an exclusive, committed relationship. Then obviously we don't do that anymore. But do that in a way where it just doesn't leave you too vulnerable with the person when you know, you're just starting to date. And I think that there's, there's kind of a pretty clear difference in my mind between those two. But I'm curious on your thoughts.

Well, and you do those things, not like you said, to play games, but just because you have high value, you have other things going on in your life, right? Like you don't want to be all in on, on a relationship. That that's not the key to good relationships. And that's another mistake that people often make is thinking like, oh, the key to success here is to just obsess myself with this person around the clock. Do it. It's like, no, no, no, no. Have your own life, be your own person. Your, your potential future long term partner is going to love you because you have good qualities, not because you're around them 247 and constantly at their beck and call. Like, that's just not how it works. Right?

And I think intentions matter on that.

Right?

And if your intentions are to do this in order to get a rise out of your guy and make him jealous, then that's very different than your intentions to go out with your girlfriends, have a fun night out, because you haven't done that in a while. Go dance or something and maybe you'll talk to a couple People do it appropriately. Those are two very different things. Because on one hand you're doing it to. If you're just going out with your girlfriends to have fun and just like go out for a bit and do it appropriately, then that's healthy, that's normal. You're creating space, you have your own independent life. But if you're doing it in order to do, to get something out of your guy, that's where it starts to get toxic. And it's pretty obvious when a woman does that or when a man does that, both genders do that. It's obvious. You can kind of tell, at least I feel like I could always tell. I'm like, this is bullshit and I'm going to kind of back away from this. Like you said, that's the natural reaction is I can't trust this person if that's what they're trying to do. And oh my God, that is a life full of misery. I want nothing to do with that person.

Most people don't want drama and jealousy's drunk, right? And so you know that intentionality, it's like you don't want to be coming from a place of insecure energy. Insecure energy is, oh, I need tricks and these like, tactics to kind of like lure people in. That's not how a secure person thinks. This cure person thinks I'm pretty damn good. I'm a good person, I'm a good partner. But of course people, the right kind of people are going to want me. And that's how you want to approach, you want to approach things with, with the right energy.

I cannot imagine you being a jealous guy at all. Oh my God.

I'm not, you know, I'm not. And it's, it's weird because I, I had the same kind of thing. Like I had a girlfriend, long term girlfriend. She, she was a jealous type for sure. Like, she, I had a lot, I have a lot of girlfriends, females that are friends. She hated, absolutely hated, was constantly telling me that they all wanted me, they all wanted to date me. And I was like, I don't think that's true. But even if it is, I don't care. Like, that's not that, that's not where I'm, my interest is. Right. And so she would try to get me jealous. And I just was like, look, I'm not playing. Like, I'm an anti game player. Yeah, like you start doing that because I'm like, no, just, just, just not going to, just not going to work.

Gary has anti game.

No. Well, it's It's. And. And I even would say at the time, I'm like, I don't know if this is just a false sense of self confidence, but I'm pretty sure I'm a better boyfriend than any of these other clowns. So you want to make a mistake, you're welcome to make a bad choice.

Yeah. Yeah. You always had a wanting power.

Yeah. So, you know, with this whole thing about being jealous and, you know, potentially getting jealous, we do know from the research that there's a certain type of partner that a certain type of person that can get us jealous. So if you had to create, like, the ideal nightmare scenario of Jess talking to somebody that would get you optimally jealous, what would that guy look like? Who's gonna. Who's just gonna push all your jealousy buttons? Like, you're not a jealous guy, but who's. Who. Who's this?

It would be a guy that's got everything I don't have. Like, her probably last boyfriend who's, like, a pro baseball player, tall, like, jacked, like, all. Everything that I like. Look in the mirror, and I'm like, okay, I have some things. I got a lot going for me, but I don't got that. It would be everything that I don't have, so.

Everything that you don't have. Yeah. So that's one of those things that does get us jealous. Like, so looking for those qualities that we think our partner wants that we don't have. Because a lot of it, what makes us jealous is we have to kind of. We think about what we think our partner wants. So we think, like, for example, like, if I think my wife Colleen, is with me because I'm nerdy about relationships, then I would be most jealous of her hanging out with someone else who's also nerdy about relationship.

Me. You got to be jealous of her on me.

You're not going in.

I'm not coming over for dinner.

You will never meet my wife. Now.

I'll be, like, whispering to your wife in the corner, just talking about Adam, Shut up.

She doesn't like that research that much.

I bring. I'll bring all my best research to the community. Hey there, ladies. As you can see, we're just getting this podcast off the ground. And since we don't run any ads, I only have one quick favor to ask in return. Can you just take a quick second right now, pause this episode and just leave us a review. Wherever it is that you're listening to, the podcast really help us out a lot, and it really does Spread the love and think the world needs a little bit more of that. So I appreciate you. Now, let's get back to the show.

But this is the thing is, like, so, you know, we're talking before about getting jealous and for not right. Yeah, there should be some, like, as un. Jealous as it. It seems like both of us are, there should be some scenario where you are jealous. Because if it's impossible, absolutely impossible to make you jealous, remember, jealousy is your reaction to losing something you value. So if you can't get jealous, it suggests a certain lack of value. And so there are two main types of jealousy. One is reactive jealousy, which is being jealous to, like, a real life situation, like somebody, you know, that super athletic baseball player, that super knowledgeable research relationship person talking to your wife. That's a reasonable situation to be jealous about. That's reactive jealousy. And that, that's a positive kind of jealousy. I don't.

I mean, yes, I see. I. In my brain, I'm separating jealousy versus healthy boundaries. Like, I think in relationships there are sometimes moments where you have to express something to your partner about there being healthy boundaries between the two of you as well as healthy boundaries that they need to have around other people. And certainly Jaz and I have both had those conversations. I remember when we first started dating, I actually went out with another relationship. He was like a dating coach, he was single. And, like, we went out. I. I just. And I were just starting dating. I think we were exclusive, but whatever. And like, I went out, I didn't pick up my phone for the rest of the night. We just, like, had a night. We, like, got a bunch of drinks and I went home and I went to bed, whatever. And I remember she had this moment where she's like, hey, if we're gonna start dating, like, you gotta at least check in with me at the end of the night. Because to me, like, I've had a past experience. And I don't know if she said it this, like, she probably didn't say it like this, but the way that she was kind of expressing, like, to me, I've had previous experiences with guys who were inappropriate when they'd go out, they wouldn't call at the end of the night, and then, like, God knows what. And I was like, you know what? That's an appropriate boundary. That seems appropriate.

Great.

And we kind of got on the same page. I never did it again. And like, I've had conversations with Jess about a few things where I feel like she's kind of overstepped. You know herself and what's appropriate. And I think that's very different where you're creating some alignment in the relationship versus jealousy. And I think that's, that's kind of what I separate in my mind. I don't know if I've necessarily felt jealousy with her, but it's more like, hey, you kind of gotta back off a little bit on that. But I don't know, I'm creating an arbitrary. Maybe that line doesn't really exist.

I mean, if I think it probably exists, but if it does, it's. It's fairly blurry because I mean, I think, you know, you're reacting to threats, right? And it's like your reaction to thread whether it's full blown jealousy or not. You know, maybe, maybe not full blown jealousy, but it's like a little bit of like uncomfortableness, like, or like you get a little bit of like.

Oh, yeah, right.

And so, you know, that whole scenario you just discuss. I mean, good for her, like, you know, clear communication, establishing a boundary, explaining why she felt that non accusatory. I mean, it's like textbook of how you would want to handle that kind of situation.

She was probably like, if you ever go out and don't call me at the end of the night, I will freaking kill you. I will cut off your head and you will never see the light of day. I'm sure she says something like that.

Realistically, I, I doubt it. Somehow I doubt it.

Just having met her.

No, she's just having met her, I doubt it. She probably said it exactly how and then you might have heard it that way. That's.

Yeah, I'm like, oh my God, I'm so scared of this woman. Absolutely. Kill me. That's, that's interesting. No, I think that, that. Look, in relationships there's always going to be moments of what appears to be a threat. And I think just having an open conversation about it, obviously picking your battles and knowing like what is appropriate. And also I've also, I've also found giving myself some time to reflect, if I am feeling that jealousy or whatever it is, or I want to set a boundary. My old way of doing things when I was like younger would be to just immediately say something and just like, oh, I'm feeling this, I'm thinking this. Oh, I'm gonna just air my frustration now. I give it some time to reflect and see, let the emotion subside and see, is this really a threat? Is this really a thing? Or was I just, you know, had the one beer too many and I was just like frustrated in the moment. And that's really helped with those situations because at least you can go into it with a clear head, with some thinking and then you're setting appropriate, healthy boundaries in a relationship.

Yeah, it's a chance to give yourself some perspective. Right. Because you know, and that's really important because quite honestly, in every relationship there, there are going to be threats. Now we talk about reactive jealousy. It's like, you know, your jealousy to a real life situation. There's the other kind which is suspicious jealousy, which is you're kind of on hyper alert all the time for potential threats. Right. You're scanning the environment like who's it going to be? When are they going to like you're constantly on alert. And now not everybody's like this. Right. I mean, it's more likely if you have an insecure attachment style, if you have, if you're dependent on the relationship, you know, you have low power, you're kind of worried about your partner leaving you or if you perceive yourself as having low mate value, like you think you're not as attractive as your partner, you're not as good of a relationship partner, so you tend to be more suspicious. You're basically guarding your partner. And so, you know, it's important for people to kind of understand that difference is like threats are a matter of perception, it's not always a matter of reality. Right. And so, you know, you know, one time I experienced jealousy for sure. My wife went to a concert and got to have dinner with basically a rock star like before a concert. And then she came home, was telling me all these stories and I'm like, the way she's telling the story, I'm like, he's clearly was flirting with you this whole time.

Yeah.

And so like that's reactive but like, so like that's a realish threat. Right. Like, you know, Rockstar is pretty high up there, but you know, it's like talking to the cashier at, you know, McDonald's. That's not a threat. Like it's just, it's different. Right. And so you have to kind of. Some of it's calibration and some of that calibration happens through communication where you know, you say something, a partner, listen to their explanation like, you know, and use their explanation some level. Again, it comes down to the antidote, which is trust. You have to learn to trust your partner.

Yeah. Can't be apparent. I think a lot of, I mean people who have suspicious jealousy clearly have some trauma from being either their childhood or from being cheated on in the past. Clearly that would come from just. You hear it all the time, all men cheat. And then you dig into it and it's like, yeah, my previous husband, we were together for 25 years. The past five, the last five years of it, he was cheating. He had a relationship. Well, that explains a lot. Of course, you're going to be extremely suspicious. You're going to be on just heightened alert within the next relationship. So, I mean, how do you manage that? I mean, awareness is obviously a first step and being aware that you are dealing with suspicious jealousy or you're experiencing that. But how do you manage that? That's always been tricky because I've never experienced that. As far as I'm aware, I've never been cheated on. So maybe that's a part of it.

You know, if your partner has had those experiences, unfortunately, I mean, you have to, hopefully they've told you about them, and the sooner they tell you about them, the better. And then you just have to be respectful of their perspective. They're going to worry about things that you would never worry about. But understand that it's not necessarily that they don't trust you, it's just that they're not trusting. And so it's not about you. Right. And so there's a lot you. You could repeat that line for lots of things in relationships where it's not about you. Right. It's more about them. And so, you know, to the extent you're willing, you can kind of help them work through it by continuing to be trusting and, and doing things like checking a little bit more. But now, as with everything with relationships, there. There's kind of this calibration. There's this balance of like you're. You're not beholden to the partner just because they're super jealous and they've experienced a lot of trauma. It's not necessarily your responsibility to be constantly on call and telling them everywhere you go and having them install Life360 on your phone so they can monitor your whereabouts. And, you know, all these kinds of things that, you know, in talking to women about relationships, I've heard about partners doing. You don't have to do any of that stuff unless you really want to. And then I would actually say, you know, why would you want to sign up for that in terms of the kind of partner you're looking for? And so, you know, it's one of those things you want to go into this stuff with. With your eyes. Eyes wide open.

Yeah. Yeah, that's one Thing I really like about our community, I would love strategies like whenever a client finds themselves dealing with a new guy and they're like dealing with a guy who might be jealous himself, and they're like, I don't know, should I be telling him everywhere I go, is that appropriate? Like, should I still be going out with my girlfriends because he's telling me that I shouldn't be? And sometimes just getting that secondary perspective, whether it's with our community or with your own friend group, an unbiased source, a therapist, whoever, a coach, it can be really helpful because sometimes when you're in it, these people can sometimes be very manipulative. Someone can be very. If someone is suspiciously jealous, they can make you think that you are in the wrong all of the time. And I've certainly experienced that with women that are like that. I don't stick around for long enough to even deal with that honestly, because to me, that is like just such a turn off if, when someone is like that. But I know a lot of clients who stick around with men who are extremely controlling, extremely suspicious of everything they do. And it's, it's a hard trap to get out of if you're really attracted to the guy.

Right, right. And here's, here's the real trick. There are so many things people don't just come right out and say, guess what, I'm the jealous type. They very rarely are going to just broadcast it and make it abundantly clear. So there's going to be like these subtle signals, right? And some of these subtle signals are going to be things that seem, and you've been kind of led to believe throughout your life are kind of romantic.

Right.

Like, so one that I think is someone who's jealous tends to be more into public displays of affection. Right. Because people who are jealous tend to also see their partner more like something they own, almost like property. And so public displays of affection isn't necessarily about forming a connection with that. It's like kind of like making sure everyone knows.

Right.

Like this person's mind stay away.

Right.

Another one that seems a little bit romantic that isn't as romantic as it seems is like wanting to spend every moment with you always. Like, I don't want you going to your friends. I just want to spend time with you. You know, we should hang out. Like, don't hang out with anybody else. They kind of keeping you to themselves and controlling your movements. That particularly early on our relationship seems ideal. Like, why wouldn't we want that? But, you know, I don't know if this is a full on red flag, but it's. These are the kinds of things like you want to be a little bit more attuned to so you can see them. Because again, someone's not just be like, hey, guess what, my name's Gary. I'm super jealous and I'm half vicious all the time, paranoid and track your every moment.

Yeah.

So enjoy.

Well, what I think to be a red flag is not if, if a guy is wanting to spend a lot of time with you when you first start dating and he wants to keep you all to him and he wants to have a lot of public displays of affection. To me, that in itself is not necessarily red flag. Where the red flag comes in hard and we call them relationship risks is if you set a boundary with him and you say, look, I, I know that you want to spend time together tonight, but, you know, we've been spending the past couple weekends together and I already had plans with my friend Jennifer and we're going to just like have a night and we're going to grab dinner and then maybe go out after. And it's at that moment that he'll show his true colors. And if he is unable to adhere to that boundary and be open to that, that's where it's like danger zone. Like, holy crap. Because if you have something that is appropriate that you want to do and he's trying to control you or stop you from doing that, that's where we got to be real with ourselves. Because that does not get any better. That gets worse. And he, once he gets his claws into you and just like has his chains around you, that is a hard situation to get out of. And that's where I would say, man, tread cautiously, get in and be cautious before getting involved with that guy.

Yeah. Because I mean, it's a blatant lack of respect. You're not respecting their opinion, you're not expecting their viewpoints. And you know, we want a long term, short term too, but you are a partner who respects you. You know, there's another thing that seems romantic, that is a potential sign of jealousy is women like confident men.

Right?

Like you, you want that confident guy. The one's gonna like talk to you and like, just be really sure of themselves. But everyone's in a while, the guy's like too sure of themselves and they'll say things that again, sound kind of romantic, like, no one can love you like I do. Right. And then, you know, even things like I'm, I'm, I'm the best partner you've ever had. Right. I'm the best person you could ever be with. Right. Like, that's confident. And, like, in some ways, you're like, oh, yeah, that's true. I do feel that way. But then you got to, like, stop, step back, and, like, why in the hell is he saying that? It's a. Weird things are weird things to say. Like, really confident people actually don't talk about how confident they are.

Yeah, that's an interesting one. That's an interesting one because it's a little manipulative. It's very. It's very manipulative. And when you're saying those types of things, it's just your way of kind of closing down the doors over. Closing the walls around them and just saying, like, hey, it's all me, no one else. Yeah. God, if a woman ever said that to me, I would just be so unattracted to them. I don't know. You said you dated someone like that for a while. Was the woman that you were with, was she saying, I don't mean to bring her back up again, but yeah, just that, to me is just so fascinating that someone can get sucked into that. I know so many women do because I work with so many women, but it's just, like, it's outside of my. My mental model to. To deal with someone who's like that.

So I think the male version is kind of inflating themselves, like, saying how great they are and, like, just kind of amplifying their positive qualities. So at least in my experience with the woman I dated, it was more. It was less about inflating herself, though she did some of that too, but it was more about finding fault with every woman I ever encountered. Oh. Like, she was like, you know, I know you like smart women like me and these other girls, they're. They're just not smart. Like, how could you possibly like them? Like, they're kind of dumb. Like, so it was like, I don't know. Women are better at talking and things. So it was much more subtle.

Women are better at talking. They're better at navigating all this stuff. Us men are like, yeah, stay away from those guys. The women are just like, you know.

Yeah. And I'll. I'll admit, like, at the time, I was like, okay, okay. I only realized that, like, this is me looking back on that relationship years later, when I was like, holy cr. Like, that's what. Oh. Like, I just, like, had this, aha. Like, light bulb moment. Like, that's what that Was, wow, that was good. I had no, no idea. And so, you know, I only figured it out from, like, learning about relationship stuff. And I didn't have anybody around to tell me to look out for these things. And that's, that's why I'm glad we're, we're having this talk. Because jealousy is. It's not something to be messed around with. And it's like, people think it's positive, but it's also one of the elements in a relationship that's most likely to lead to relationship violence. And that's. I mean, that's why, like, it's not something to be messed around with. And it's, it's really critical for people to kind of get this information and, and take it to heart and know what to look for and not feed into it.

Yeah.

Because it, it can really get taken too far really quickly.

So long. And the short of it, what I'm hearing is reactive jealousy is to an extent normal. Everyone's going to have that at some point in time in their relationships if they haven't already. And if you don't feel like you've had it, you're probably not being real with yourself in some way, shape or form. And obviously, if you're overly reactive, that's a problem. And if you're reactive to the Nth degree now, we're just a suspicious jealousy. And if you're with someone who's suspiciously jealous, that is the type of person we want to try very cautiously and be very cautious of getting involved with, because that can ultimately lead to very toxic relationship. Is that kind of the. How you would sum it up?

Absolutely. And I think, you know, just make sure, and it's worth saying again, is jealousy is not good for relationships. It's not a good sign. It's not a sign that somebody loves you. You know what's a sign that somebody loves you is that they trust you and they respect you and they're willing to communicate with you. Jealousy is a selfish emotion that's about protecting and kind of not wanting things being stolen. And so we always have to remember, like, relationships generally are between two people. Right. And so it really doesn't matter, like my. How I feel about my wife or whatever. It doesn't matter what the world, how the world acts towards her in terms of anything, because I trust her, Right. It doesn't matter if 10 guys tomorrow start trying to, like, contact her on Facebook or say hi to her. None of that matters because I trust her. And I have. I'm confident of in myself. So it just, it just doesn't factor in. And so you always have the choice and the ability to react appropriately and positively. Right.

One thing I want to bring up before we kind of close up that Maureen, I posted this in our internal slack for the team and Maureen, one of our coaches, she mentioned that insecure people in casual relationships are petri dish for jealousy. That's why it's important for insecurely attached women to lean back and allow the man to pursue them so they can allow a base of security and trust to be built. In my past and she, previous to the little love steps and what we teach, she had an insecure attachment style. The lethal combination of my insecure attachment issues, my emotional sexual investment and casual convenience situationships brought out the most self esteem draining jealousy. So I don't know, do you have anything you want to add when it comes to attachment styles and being insecurely attached as it relates to jealousy?

Yeah, I mean, as Maureen points out is insecure attachment is really like a. I love that term petri dish for, for jealousy. You know those fears, the fears of being abandoned and the fears of getting too close. That's all that fear of loss. Right. You don't want to lose your partner. And so the best thing you can possibly do if you're in those situations with those types of attachment styles is find a partner who's secure, voice your concerns and then trust their responses. That's really the best way to overcome.

Yeah. Don't get involved with an avoidant if you're insecure. Because talk about a petri dish for just a crazy tough relationship full of jealousy and fighting and it's going to blow up pretty quickly, I think.

Right. And just because, you know, those, sometimes those relationships seem really appealing short term. And if you only want to be in a relationship for a couple days or a week, I mean, fine, I guess, but like, that's usually not what people are looking for. And so you got to remember like, short term and long term are two different ball games. And so you want to make sure you're. You're being smart about what you really want and setting yourself up for success long term.

Well, that was great, Gary. I. I haven't put enough of my mental brain work into jealousy, but that was really enjoyable. I learned a lot throughout that. So thanks for your time, man. I appreciate it.

Sure. Good seeing you, man.

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