How to Stop Obsessing About Your Ex (Psychological Hacks)

When I just got to a point where I'm like, if a woman was not a hell yes about me, it was a no. And when a, when a woman was being at all, certainly ghosting or even just like being weird or like not fully in it or whatever, I'm getting that, that vibe from her, that low energy, it was a turn off. And that is ideally what we can all get to with these situations or situationships or even your ex, if your ex breaks up with you, they did it for a reason. And now once someone has told you that or they bended it, that is unattractive. Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast, where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. All right, Gary, today we're going to be talking about how to stop obsessing over an ex. We'll talk about some psychology and just get into the nitty gritty and some practical tips that people can use to stop obsessing. But I should say there is one hack that is guaranteed to work here. It is if you go on my YouTube channel in the comments, there's these spam comments and they're like, if you text this WhatsApp number, you can talk to like a voodoo guy and it will stop you from obsessing over your ex. I think you got to send them like 10 bucks or something like that.

Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely. Do not do that. These same people are on my Instagram constantly. They're constantly DMing me on Twitter. The spellcasters, I think, are some of the. I don't know, I can. We can say this on a podcast. Some of the lowest forms of human beings on the planet because all they're doing is preying on vulnerable people who are experiencing heartache. And, like, this obsessing about your ex is nothing to joke about. Like, this is a serious thing. And for them to just try to, like, make a buck off of something that's clearly a scam is just, I, I find it reprehensible.

But I just can't believe that people will pay for a spellcaster these days. I mean, they must be making money because they're posting these like crazy.

But I think it just speaks to, like, how serious of an issue this is. Right? It's like how many people, if they could, could just go like this and get their former partner back or have regret over a past relationship. Like, I mean, it's one of those experiences. Like, people feel abandoned, they feel uncertain, they feel like just lost when they're longing for this other person. And so, I mean, that's why I just think, like, those kind of fraudster types of people are just horrible because it's just you're taking people at their most vulnerable moment and they need help. They don't need, you know, you stealing their money. Right.

Terrible. Well, it's. It's a tricky topic, especially in the dating coaching world, because I know of many, many coaches who have how to get your ex back. Six steps, follow this and he'll be running back into your arms, yada, yada, yada. And I was never able to do that. That was just not within in line with my value system. Nor is there are there six steps to get your ex back. In fact, in most cases, you should probably move on. And so I created this product. I remember, oh God, five years ago, and it was like the most nuanced title ever. It was like how to heal your heart and move on from your ex or maybe get him back in a small percentage of situations. It was like, it was such a freaking bomb. Let me tell you. No one, like, it was the biggest bomb product that we've ever had. And yeah, so.

Well, that's because people want to hear like, no, Adam, you're definitely going to help me get them back. It's going to be simple. All I got to do is step one, two, three spells included or not, and we're going to get them right back. And it's.

It.

I think it's, you know, one of the things you said in there, which, which is totally true, is like, do you really. Should you really want them back? Like, is this really a good idea? And, and it's. It's probably not a good idea. Like, once something ends like this, like, you know, it's probably better to move on, but nonetheless, I, I do think there are some things that, you know, we should talk about in terms of do's and don'ts that, that people might want to consider when, when they're feeling, you know, these feelings about obsessing about an ex.

I agree. I think there's a lot of really good research in this area. I know this has kind of like been your area of expertise is breakups. So I think this is a fantastic thing for us to talk about. So do you want to start with. So if someone is just gone through a breakup, whether or not they were the ones who ended it, I think we've all had that situation. We're just like in this constant mental cycle where we can't stop thinking about that person. There's a sense of loss and their sense of grief. And today I think we want to talk about what to do and what not to do. So where do you want to start? What, what do you think is most helpful here?

Yeah, I think it's just first important to acknowledge how serious this is. Right. It's like, you know, when you lose a relationship, like you said, even if you're the one that that's initiating a break, still feel a sense of loss because it was someone you cared about and you didn't go into that relationship wanting it to end. So there's still a sense of loss. In this particular, you know, context, it is definitely much, much worse for the person who's been broken up with. They're going to be more likely to have that sense of longing and incompleteness and, you know, that sense of rejection. But in either case, you know, when we say obsessing about your ex, really what we're talking about is rumination. Research finds that this rumination is constantly kind of like going over, kind of like what happened and how can I get them back and just kind of getting stuck in this mental rut. It's not arbitrary. Like it's actually quite harmful. And you know, there's research showing that, you know, it's linked to depression, anxiety. There's physical symptoms it's bad for, like chronic pain and immune function and cardiovascular health and other, you know, mental health, things like life satisfaction. It's. It's bad for, for that as well. And so it's serious. Right. And it's no wonder that people are kind of desperate for solutions because it's a terrible feeling that very real consequences. So I'm really glad that we're going to spend some time talking about the do's and don'ts about help people with this.

So, I mean, I think one of the first things I can just say whenever I've gone through breakups, I've been on both sides of breakups previously in my life. I think most people have at some point and first thing that I would tell that person or that guy who's going through that is get back to the basics of what makes you happy? Like, get back to the things that make you happy. And healthy health is so important because if we are sitting at home ruminating over these thoughts, eating Ben and Jerry's watching the, you know, rewatching Game of Thrones, even though you've seen it a few times and one of the times with your ex, and you just thinking over and over again, what could I have done differently? You are not going to set yourself up for success. So the very first thing we want to do is focus on our sleep. What are we eating? Are we exercising? Because that is the foundation of our mental state. And if we just allow ourselves to kind of crumble under all of this and just flat out just, I don't know, give in to our urge to just want to binge and just like feel horrible about ourselves, then obviously what's going to happen? Oh, God, this situation is only going to get worse. I don't know if they talk much about that.

Yeah, and I think, you know, that's. Those kind of activities not only are going to help kind of lay the foundation for a healthy recovery, but I think those kind of activities are also, you know, much like we talked about in the program, dual intent, right? A dual intent thing is something where it's going to help you, but it's also going to set you up to possibly meet somebody else or interact with other people. And I think that's really important because, you know, when you're obsessing about an ex, a lot of it's about this feeling of rejection. And so you start, it's very easy to kind of like downward spiral into this. Like, no one loves me. No one's ever going to love me. I'm never going to be in a relationship again. And, like, it just kind of gets out of control. But if you're doing these kind of dual intent activities, like joining a gym or joining a club or taking a class, like, these are things that are going to help you. They're going to. They're going to help you, they're going to distract you, and they're going to help you meet new people. And so we also know that fitness score, your social fitness score in particular, is really important. And so as much as you're longing over this past relationship, there are other relationships out there. Like, you know, build up your social fitness, not just in the context of a romantic relationship, but like your friends, your family, your coworkers, like any of those people that you meet along the way, like the people that you see at the gym, like, just Start being friendly, start putting yourself out there, because all those things are going to help you, they're going to distract you, and then they're just going to help you move on to a new and different relationship.

And that's true, Honestly, for anything that we are going through in our lives where we're feeling anxious, I always get back to those fundamentals. How am I sleeping? How am I eating? How am I exercising? And am I surround myself with positive people? Usually when I'm feeling anxious or I'm ruminating over something, one of those four things or all those four things are completely out of whack. So if you are going through this and you're finding yourself constantly obsessing over an example, lean into one of those areas. Which area are you suffering in the most? Are you overeating? Are you not exercising? You're not moving your body, you're not sleeping at all, or you are you sitting in a quiet room by yourself just listening to sad music all day? You're doing either of those things and we've all done it. And God, music just sound. The sad lyrics of some of the worst songs in the world, they just sound so beautiful to you, but God damn it, it's not helping you in your love life. So that's. That's, I think, a foundational point. What else? What. What are some do's and don'ts.

Whatever you do, don't listen to REM's Everybody Hurts. It'll just tear Jerker. It is the killer of all songs, so do not do that. That's right.

So old. Dude, you're just freaking already. I'm into this.

Yeah, you. Right. But you. And you think that. But I play that in my college class or my students, they all know that song somehow, probably TikTok, but they all know it. They're like, this song is horrible. Horribly sad like it is.

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So I think one of the things that is a little counterintuitive, but, like, when you're hurting about a former partner, the thing that you want to do is to stop thinking about them. And so you're going to tell yourself, stop thinking about Steve, Dave, whoever it is. Right. But what happens as soon as you say to stop thinking about them? Well, I mean, we know there's this cognitive rebound effect, right? It's classically called the white bear problem, but it's like you can get anybody to think about anything by telling them to not think about it. By trying not to think about it, it invokes all these memories of that person. And you're cognitively, like, trying to suppress a thought, but you have to hold that thought in your brain to suppress it. So it's counterproductive. And so you don't want to, you know, keep saying, don't think of whatever you do. Don't think about it. Don't think what you have to do. Instead, you got to distract yourself. Right. I mean, some of those activities that we just talked about, you got to fill your life with other things to make sure you're not doing that. Don't think about it. Thinking about it. Rebound effect thing.

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. So I love that. The girlfriend advisor, like, just stop thinking about him, whatever. And then before you know it, they're talking about him for another three hours, and you're just like, oh, God, this is not helping. Once again, in many ways, it's like, if you want to be a good girlfriend or friend, it's like, get them out the door and go do an activity together. It doesn't even have to be, like, to go meet new guys. It can be just go do something together that once again, kind of distracts you.

Well, I have to realize, like, their life, their partner was a part of their life, but their partner wasn't their life. Right. Your life is a full thing that has many facets. Your partner was just, like, one little piece of that. And when that one little piece has trouble. Yeah. I mean, it feels like the end of the world, but, like, there's still all this other stuff going on. And I think you're pointing about the girlfriends. It seems helpful to, like, help your friend really talk things through. And it does to a point. But there's a point of, like, diminishing returns where it starts to become harmful, where it's, like, now, rather than, like, problem solving, getting the feelings out and kind of processing things a little bit. We've gone on for, like, we're constantly cycling through and just like, kind of dragging ourselves through the mud over, over and over again. And it's like, you know, and the other Thing people do in that context is they play the what if game, right? It's like, you know, well, what if I had done this on Monday instead of doing that other thing? And, like, what if this person. It's like, no, no. Like, don't make excuses. Don't make exceptions. Don't make explanations. Like, you know, as. As I say in my. My TED Talk, like, great relationships seldom fail, but bad ones do as they should. And so this didn't work out. It didn't work out for a reason. And so, you know, part of that, like, girlfriend talk thing, too, is like, how do I get them back? What can I do to get them back? And they're like, everybody kind of, like, works together. Like, what can we do? Here's the thing, though, like, and this is where I really encourage people to get very logical about this, is like, what if you did somehow convince that person to come back? How would you really feel about that? Would you think that they came back because they wanted to? Or are they coming back because you were so damn persuasive? And would you ever be able to, like, let that thought go about, like, do you really want to be here? Do you really love me? Is this for real? Are you going to leave again? It's like, that's why, like, getting back together is often not going to work.

Yeah, absolutely. And I think on the same point about looking back on the relationship and trying to think, could I have done something different? Or how could I have changed? I think one thing that happens when we go through a breakup, and I certainly have gone through this myself, is you look at it as being some sort of failure every time a relationship or a marriage ends when it ends. I failed. And I think one thing I was thinking about right before this, the kind of analogy that I had, is like, think of your first job out of college that anyone had. Okay? Everybody who's ever been fired before. I was fired for my second job. I kind of asked to be fired, but I should have been fired, okay? Because I wasn't meant to ever have a boss. And I don't look at that as a failure. I never did. I looked at as kind of a building block for my. My life. And there are certain things. Yes. Have I learned and grown from that? Of course. But I'm not, like, going back and begging for that job back. It just wasn't right for me. And so if we can, in some ways bring that mindset to our ended relationship and start thinking, what are the. Those nuggets that I can take from this and learn and grow and then just pass it forward to my next relationship. And I think the thing is that when it comes to relationships, some people are plagued with this. With this idea that there is a soulmate. And that one person, when it ended, it was like, that was the one. That was the person I should have been with. But we don't have that with professions. We don't have that with jobs. No one's like, oh, this is my one job. If I lose it, it's the end of the world. Like, no one ever thinks of jobs like that. So we have kind of this healthy, I think, mindset when it comes to jobs and changing jobs. And we grow and we grow out of certain jobs, but not with relationships. And both you and I know firmly believe, just you look at the research and all of our coaching, everything we do, like, there is no one person for you. And so if this ended now, it's over. And we, We. We move forward and we take those long experiences. Move forward with it.

Yeah. I mean, you know, talking about Soulmates is. Is a whole other podcast in and of itself. But I think you're right about the job thing, too. It's like, you know, we don't think, oh, there's no other jobs. We also don't do that with friends either. Like, you know, friends. It's the same kind of thing. Like, if someone's really just not a good friend and it doesn't work out, then we're not like. So, like, we know there's gonna be other friends. And the interesting thing is, you know, as we've talked out in other contexts too, is like, your romantic partner should be your best friend. And so, you know, as we. A lot of this is parallels to dating in the sense that, you know, what we tell people when they're dating is, you know, every time you go meet somebody, you're either going to find love or you're going to learn. And so, you know, as some lessons are harder to learn than others. Right. And then that's, you know, sometimes these ones that. Where you find yourself obsessing about a former partner, it's one of the harder lessons to learn. But one of the other things that would help is when the relationship ends in those moments, write down what was going wrong in the relationship, right? Make a list. Like, what were the problems you were having? And not just from your perspective, but, like, from your partner's perspective. What did your partner see as the problems? What did. What was the big picture issues that you guys had together? Because what you're going to find is, you know, later you'll have that to kind of like refer back to as like a helpful little reminder. Often what you think you're missing, you never really had in the first place. Right. What you're missing is this like idealized, like, oh, perfect vision of this relationship. And frankly, like, if that was really true, great relationships seldom fail, but the bad ones do as they should. And like, it just probably wasn't there in the first place.

Yeah, it requires some discipline. I mean, no one thinks about discipline when it comes to love, but it really does. I remember the girl I was dating before Jessica. We're in a long, relatively long term relationship, like a year or whatever. And I, I ended up with her. But I was, it was one of those relationships where I was like, I could do this. Like, I could, I think marry her and it could be a good life, but I could do better. Like, it's not like about me. I think, like, we could do better. It was, is not like that sounds. I think, you know, putting myself on a pedestal is like, both of us could have done better. It was a mediocre relationship, frankly. And that was hard. That was my hardest breakup. And I had to write down. That was the very first thing I did. I actually did before I broke up with her. I wrote down every single reason why I felt like this wasn't right for me. And that was the most important Google Doc I ever wrote. Like, I looked back at that so many times because, you know, you want to call them, you want to, you know, hook up again, you want to go out again, spend time together, you want to heal each other. I mean, there's so much there when you reconnect and it feels so good again. You go from this place of sadness and loneliness, then you come back and. Oh, and so when you are going through that, that one piece of paper, man, oh man, I can't even tell you how insanely important that was for me to just look at. I think I saved it on my phone. I was just like, don't do it. I also put in just a practical tip put in my phone. Like instead of her name, I put the death face, the emoji, which is a little aggressive. Okay. She was very sweet girl. Okay, sorry. If you're listening to this, I just put like do not contact type of information and just removal from, from social media, all that stuff. I didn't like unfriend her just right. You can mute on all this different social media platforms or do all that Stuff just out. And then have this piece of this reminder for yourself. This is why. And then stay disciplined to it. That's what we're.

Could have just gone with like a little virus symbol. Do not open Virus. Do not open. You went with deaths. Like, I mean, that's dad.

Yeah. I'm a pretty intense dude. When I make a decision, I'm like.

The time or nothing.

I've always been like that with relationships where I am in ultimate. Like, I go all in, but once.

You'Re out, you're out.

I am so out. Like, I've never understood people who do the in and out, back and forth relationship. Like, they break up and they get back together and they break up again, they get married again. I'm like, that's just not comprehensible to me. I don't know. Have you. Have you ever had that, like, getting back together with an act?

I've never. No, I. I'm like a very like, straightforward, logical kind of person. Like, so it's like, I will.

If.

If I get to the point of breaking up. I've thought it through. Like, I've gone plus is the minuses. I've made the list, I've checked it twice. And like, the relationship Santa. And so I made sure that I know what I'm doing. And so it's like once you. You make a decision, you make your best possible decision. No decision is going to be perfect. But you, you know, I put enough thought into it that I'm content with what I arrived at. And then you move on.

And then you hold and you hold discipline.

I hold discipline because you write out those reasons why it didn't work. The other thing you want to write out too is like, what is it that you really want? Like, what was that relationship lacking? And like, that can give you some clarity about what it is you really want. And so that can help you to know what to look for. Right? And so some of that is going to be really important because you want to fix what's broken and you want to go look for something and you wanna look for something different. You don't want to go back. Like, we were just talking about. Go back. Like, how many people are like, you know, you just said, like, people just want to, like, get back together with their. With their former partner. And it's like the research shows that's a bad idea. Like, it generally does not work, right? And somebody. People always. I talk about this a lot and people say, but I've seen it work. It has worked in the History of time. It has possible. It's just not freaking likely, right? And so you got to think about, like, what's the most likely outcome? Not could it happen, but what's typically going to happen. And what's typically going to happen is you're just going to prolong the misery, right? You want to get back. They may not, and it's a problem. And so then people are like, okay, well, I don't want to get back together. You know what I want to do instead? You know what they want to do, right? We'll just be friends. We'll still be. What do you think about that?

Oh, don't even get me started, Gary. I love it. Like, I think you see me.

We're.

We're shooting this right now, right before we have a mastermind. We call it Tough Love Tuesday. And that's where I get a little cranky because I'm not a. I'm not a night person. I'm more of a morning person. So by this time of the day, like, if people ask me questions like this, I go nuts. And they'll be like, oh, we're just staying friends, and we're just trying to get, you know, get to know each other a little bit more. Reconnecting. We've just been texting. I'm like, but would you sleep with him if he wanted to sleep with you? Well, yeah, of course. Oh. Oh, friend. So friends sleep with each other? Oh, well, you know, and then before, you know, you just dive, like, one layer deep, like, oh, so would you get back together with him if you wanted to? Yeah, of course. Oh, so you're not friends, so you're just trying to get back together. Don't feed yourself that idea that in the story we tell ourselves, people tell themselves all. All the time. The story of, let's just be friends. We're just friends. And it really sets you. It just prolongs the process. And one thing that I have pushed very hard, I believe it's my core, is that we only have a finite amount of emotional energy to give. And I look at, literally, like a pie chart, and when you leave a relationship, your emotional energy is probably 98% to that guy. You're still thinking about him. But before you know it, that pie chart starts to open up again. Then you get to about 50%, and then before you know it, it gets down to 2% and 0%. However, if you stay in contact with him, you stay as friends, you grab coffee, you continue to hook up. All of those things. That pie chart just Stays full. Yet you're not getting what it is that you really want in a relationship, which is a relationship. And so it's very, very detrimental. And just on this rant, I will tell you, we have a lot of clients that come into Love Accelerator. As you know, Gary, they come in, they have a guy that they're talking to. Either it's their ex, or it's someone who's been flaky, or it's a guy, yada, yada, yada, but he's not really in it. And they say, well, how should I go about this program? Because I, I kind of want, I want to be with that guy. And my advice is the same as it's always been. And I say, look, get to what we call little love step number two, which is where we create a love vision and we get that clarity. Like we were just talking about in a very specific way, knowing what a healthy relationship looks like, what a high value man looks like, giving specific examples, and we create a customized love vision for yourself. Once they go through that process, they tend to like 90 of the time have that aha moment and like, oh, that guy's not right for me. Oh, what am I doing? Wrong person for me. And then they move forward with the process. And you've seen me say, you've heard me say that enough times at this point.

Yeah. I mean, there's so many people that, you know, I think some of it kind of goes back to this idea. Like we, like we said before about like soulmates are, like, if I started making it work with this person, I owe it to myself and like the relationship to try to keep making it work. So that's part of it. And that, that's a false belief. Like you, you owe it to yourself to be happy and fulfilled. That that's what you, that's who you owe anything to. The other side of it is sometimes people. You kind of touched on this a little bit too. It's like, I could make this work. I could make this work. Just because you can doesn't mean you should. Right. And so it's like some relationships just aren't worth saving. Because I, I say this all the time. It's like everyone deserves a great relationship. And if you haven't found a great relationship, keep looking because it's out there for you. Like, everyone has it, but like those back and forth and Izzy or Izzy and all that kind of stuff, that's not great. You would never have thought that was great if you, when you put together a love vision about what it is you want for your ideal relationship, the one that provides longevity, commitment, fulfillment. It's not back and forth this and that. Right. And so something to remember with all of this because in those situations, what is not being provided by the other person? Typically a guy is closure. And so lack of providing closure is closure. Right. That guy not providing closure is stringing you along and it's, it's closing the door on that type of relationship you want to. It's not closing door on every type of relationship. It's still leaving open those situationships, like those things where like maybe we'll hook up, maybe we'll see each other, we're just kind of straying it out. But remember, like, not providing closure is closure. Right. Because you know how this feels, not having closure. So who, who in their right mind would do that to somebody they really love, really care about and really want that long term, committed, fulfilling relationship with Nobody. Right, Right. So like they're not telling you it's over because they want something to still continue, but there's, it's actually over. What you really wanted this for is over.

Yeah, I love that. Not providing closure is closure. And we hear that all the time with, even when someone will go, I hear, I hear this a lot. Woman will go on two dates with a guy and she'll really like him and then she doesn't hear from him again and she's obsessing over him from that situation and she says things like, oh, it's so silly. Like, why am I being like this? It's so irrational to me. Like I can't believe that I'm giving this guy so much my energy. But she doesn't want that closure. And I'm going to use that, that, that concept right there because that is, it's very powerful. Not look, when they actually ghost on you. That is the answer. And I think when you get from, like when you really want to get to kind of an enlightenment period. This took me some time to get to this. I'm not saying I'm enlightened, but like in relationships and dating, the way that you can feel kind of the, the way to get over this constant obsession over a person that doesn't want you is when it no longer requires discipline. And suddenly you get to a point where if someone is not totally all in with you, they are suddenly very unattractive to you. Like there was once a time in my life where if a girl wasn't into me or if she was like being cold or despondent or Whatever. I would do everything in my power to win her back. Like whatever I could do because I was immature and that was exciting. I'm a certain type of personality that I just like, I don't like to lose. But then I got to a certain point where I think it was around when I started coaching, really, when I just got to a point where I'm like, if a woman was not a hell yes about me, it was a no. And when a, when a woman was being at all, certainly ghosting or even just like being weird or like not fully in it or whatever, I'm getting that, that vibe from her, that low energy. It was a turn off. And that is ideally what we can all get to with these situations or situationships or even your ex, if your ex breaks up with you, they did it for a reason. And now once someone has told you that or they bended it, that is unattractive. That's not something we want anything to do with. And if you can get to that point where that those are the only people you allow into your life, Holy crap. Doesn't make dating so much less complicated.

Yeah, it's, it's all about, it all goes back to confidence, right? Confidence and belief in yourself and this idea, you know, like, so how many people do you see in, in this exact situation? It's like they, they're in it because they like a project too. Like you kind of put it in like a competitive mindset, which I think is like a guy's way to think about it. But I think from the female side, it's like, it's a project. I can help them, I can save them, I can fix that. Like, I can fix this. Right? And so that sounds all great, noble and everything, but it's like you have to remember, like when you're focusing on projects, you're focusing outward. So perhaps it's a distraction from focusing inward. And like, you know, you kind of like that inward focus. Like if you're not feeling very calm, you can go fix somebody else and not have to worry about yourself. Right? And it's like, that's where it's like you got to, you got to become accepting of who you are, kind to who you are, confident in who you are. Because when you're, you know that you're great, like, and other people don't think you're great. Was like, well, that's their loss, right? Like we, we like people that you should like, people that have the good sense to like you.

Yeah, no, I agree, I agree. I think like one other hack on that idea that I use a lot because I, I get very, I don't know, obsessive is the right word. But I get very zoomed into things when I want to work on a product. Like you now work with love strategy. You see the way I work and like I even relationships, everything, like I can get hyper focused and I think that leads to some level anxiety or obsession or whatever, how, whatever word you want to use and definitely relates to relationships for me. And anytime I find that I'm too zoomed into something or ultra focused, I actually take this approach of zooming out and think like, okay, my dad's 83 years old, my mom's just turning 80. What if she were going through this or my dad were going through this at my age? Like when he's 80, is he really, what is he thinking about that situation? Like what does he think of that? Like I always kind of talk to my 80 year old self or 83 year old self and be like, is this actually a big deal or not? And like sometimes it is, right? Sometimes if you, if you're leaving a 20 year marriage and it's kind of a big deal. Okay, so what would your 80 year old wise self tell you, right? And just like talk to your 80 year old self who is like completely zoomed in, looking, zoomed out, looking at your entire life. And sometimes it just alleviates things like when things are just not quite going my way and I'm just like totally focused. I'm just like, you know what, what would 80 year old Adam say? And he'd be like, dude, chill out man, enjoy the ride, it's all good. This person wasn't right for you. You're going to find the right person for you. Get back on that horse when you're ready, go make it happen. And I think there's just like wisdom that you're almost speaking to like the wise part of yourself that does exist.

Yeah. And you know what we call that in the literature is you're giving yourself psychological distance, right. You're giving yourself distance from the pain that you're, the emotional pain you're experiencing now. Right. And you're taking perspective and you're allowing yourself to kind of see things a little bit more clearly and particularly that 80 year old self thing. You realize, I think in the grand scheme of your life these things are setbacks, but like it allows you then to come back from those setbacks even stronger. And so you know, if you look back at your life right now, like there's been things in your life that haven't gone well. Like we've all suffered previous breakups and like we've all been fine after those things. Like we've learned some things, we got better. Right. And so that's going to happen again. It's really, really hard to see in the moment. I get it. But that's why you do those, those kind of things that you suggested. It's like talk to your 80 year old self to kind of get a, get a little bit more perspective.

Yeah, absolutely. And I'm. What's that?

I was just going to say your 80 year old self would also say stay the hell off of social media. Right. And stop stalking your former partner because that's bad news too.

My 80 year old self would also tell me probably like stop drinking so much alcohol. Like stop, stop going out at night. Like stop like all these things. And he's so right. But a lot of wisdom. Stop eating Sour Patch Kids on Sunday afternoons. Like, you know, oh God. But you got to take the good with the bad. You take some of the advice, but you also live in the moment. But no, I, I think it's. All of this is so easy to see when you are not going through this grieving process. And, and the loss of relationship really is very similar psychologically to the grieving. The loss of, of a person in your life, I mean to, to death and I call it the fog of love when you're just kind of going through this, this foggy moment. So hopefully this gives you all who are going through this something to think about if you, or if you have gone through this in the past, but you're not currently grieving, maybe use some of these tools to empower you to get back out there. Because I think a lot of people when they are grieving a previous relationship, they have this fear that if they go through that again, they are, they do everything in their power to not go through any type of breakup again. And hopefully you can use these tools to kind of empower you to think, you know, what if a relationship ends again in the future, I'm going to be okay. I can lean into some of these concepts and just kind of move forward with your life. So.

Yeah, and I think this is where, you know, something we said earlier, which, which is really helpful for this obsessing thing. And then kind of the moving forward thing is like when you're, when you're out there dating, you're either gonna find love or you're gonna learn. And each time that things don't work out, you learn a little bit more. And so it's one step closer to getting that long term, fulfilling, committed relationship that you're looking for.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And for those who are in any stage of this process, a support system is so incredibly useful. You are absolutely the average of the five people you spend the most time with. So if you're going through a breakup, and that's a Jim Rohn quote, so I'm not going to steal that one, but you, you are absolutely the average of your environment and everyone you surround yourself with. So be intentional about your support system. Where are you getting that advice? Obviously, if you want more community online or coaching and all that stuff, that's what we offer, but you don't necessarily, you don't always need that. Depending on where, what stage you're in your life. If you don't need that at this stage, obviously just be super intentional about where you find that support structure, whether it's through friends, family, your kids, whoever. And you're gonna get through this if you're going through this right now. So, best thing I got. Yeah.

Do things that, you know, give you energy, you know, from that, from the health things, exercise things, the sleep things, the people you spend time with, like, seek out, seek out positive experiences in your life. That. That's ultimately what's going to help you best.

Yeah. All right, well, Gary, this is some super fun for me to talk. I. I enjoy this. I don't talk about breakups enough. So if you all enjoy this, let us know in the comments or wherever it is that you're watching this video because we can definitely do a lot more on breakups, but I'm not doing a get your axe back. Maybe not maybe. I don't know. Gary, do you want to do a do your get your ex back show ever? No, we're not doing it. We're not doing it. I almost gave in my own head. I'm talking to myself on both sides. So, no, we're never going to be doing that. But we will walk with you in any stage of where you are in your love life. So thanks so much for listening and we'll talk to you all again soon. Hopefully you got something from this.

Bye. Take care.

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