How to Turn a Breakup Into a Positive Experience

Great relationships seldom fail, but the bad ones do as they should. And if your partner is not helping you become a better person, then ending that relationship just might be the thing that does help you become a better person.

Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast, where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else. Backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences, your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. All right, everybody. This week we are talking about breakups and why breakups can actually be a positive in life. And if you're watching this on YouTube, it actually looks like both Gary and I are going through a breakup because we're both wearing hoodie sweatshirts. And we. We didn't. Gary, I don't know. Did you. Do we plan this? What do you think?

You didn't. It's like I said to you right before you came on, like, you know, I was worried I was gonna be a little too informal, and I saw you show up. I'm like, look at that. We're on. We're just on the same page.

I think it's like the time change. It's this time of year. It's just. It's dark. I don't know. It's just like it's midnight. It really does. And there's something about, like, being a teenager with just like, walking down the streets when it's like this time of year, you just put the actual hoodie on. And I don't know, I just. I love that feeling, man. That's what's. That's my style all around.

This is. This is my go to look. And there is something about talking about breakup where you just kind of feel like you got to. You got to dress down a little bit. Like, I'm going to, like, live in the darkness of my emotions about breakup and, you know, just really get into it. You know, I don't have a pint of Ben and Jerry sitting here or anything like that, but you know, that that could be arranged as well.

All right, lesson number one is if you're going through a breakup where you. You have experienced that, I think one of the worst things you can do, maybe it's just because I'm lactose. Intolerant is have fine Ben and Jerry's because it does not help your situation in the least. It certainly doesn't help mine. I don't know, does it help yours when no, you've gone through breakup.

I, I, I'm officially grossed out.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Like a big thing of fish food. I'm like going back 10 years when I would just like get. Jess would never let this go down, but like, I just would get a big thing of fish food and just be like, oh, my belly. Why'd I do that?

Anyways, that was your go to flavor, huh? Fish food?

Oh, yeah. Just, I never liked it.

But the one that always cracked me up was Chubby Hubby.

H. It's just the name. You just like the name that's just.

Like, I mean, it's like a classic you are what you eat kind of phenomenon where it's like, if you're not.

You'Re gonna be totally, it goes against like all marketing rules. Like, why would anyone want to buy Chubby Hubby? But they, I guess they do. I don't know. You think, like, it would remind you of how overweight you're getting when you're eating this crap.

Yeah. But you know, it is funny how many people, you know, I talk to people about breakup all the time. And the number of people that like immediately go to the breakup. I'm getting a pint of ice cream or whatever it happens to be. I'm gonna go sit and watch some junk tv, eat some junk food and just kind of wallow it in my emotions. And so, you know, I think today we're going to talk about some positive reactions to breakup and some ways to help deal with it that hopefully don't involve hubbies or chubbies or any of that kind of stuff.

Yeah, I, I hope so, because I, I find especially when people are going through breakups and it doesn't have to be necessarily like a long term relationship, although this is going to be very applicable. I even work with a lot of clients who have gone out on two or three dates with a guy and it doesn't work out and they go through that level of depression and talk. Trying to talk to someone logically to not feel that way, that they're going to be okay. It doesn't work very well. It's hard. It's like talking to someone who's going grieving the death of a family member and be like, oh, you know what? Life goes on. You're going to be fine. It's like you're almost Saying it because it makes you feel good, but, like, it's not doing anything for them. So hopefully today we can really give you some tangible stuff that you can think about if you've ever gone through this. And if you're not going through it, maybe this can just be a tool in your toolkit to make you a little bit stronger if you ever find yourself in a situation like that. So, but before we. I do. I'm sorry, I was just going to.

Say, like, either if you go through it yourself or, you know, chances are you're going to know somebody else that is going to go through something like this. And so, you know, I think a lot of what hopefully people are learning on these podcasts is not just information for them, but things that they can pass on to others. Because, yeah, we all know how important relationships are, and so the more you can help those around you get better at their relationships and develop some of their skills, it's going to feel good helping other people.

Yeah, absolutely. Before we get into this breakups conversation, I want to tell you guys all a really cool story about Gary. Gary's cool factor went up like 100 million, thousand trillion percent when this happened. All right, so, yeah, a couple of years ago, this song came out. I forgot the name. Who is the artist?

Dennis Lloyd.

Dennis Lloyd. Okay, so Dennis Lloyd has this amazing song that my friends and I have been listening to for years. Like, I was on the Caribbean beach for a month listening to this song, and one of my. With one of my buddies and my friend. Actually, there's this part in the song where someone comes on and starts talking about relationships and breakups and how breakups, the. The most important thing in life. It's not what iPhone you have. It's, you know, the people you spend your life with and whatever and all these amazing things. And I got to tell you, I was listening to this song.

We.

I've been listening to this for years. But then Gary and I started working together closely, and he started working with love strategies. And I'm like, we're all hanging out. And I'm like, hold on, Jess. And I was like, my wife, stop, stop, stop. I know who this is. And she's like, who? Like, who is it? And someone was like, is it Michael Scott from the office? They thought it was Michael Scott from the office. I'm like, no, it's not. It's Gary. And what happened? Gary, you could briefly. You could tell the story. I don't know why I'm telling this story, but Gary, this guy, the DJ who's like, a huge deal, took a clip from Gary's TED Talk and put it in his song. And then Gary, didn't you go to, like, the premiere for it?

I went to the world premiere of the video. I went on stage with Dennis Lloyd to introduce the video. And in front of this, like, packed house full of people, it was a surreal experience.

I mean, like, I knew Gary was cool, like, meeting him, but, like, he's also, like, an academic. So, like, there's, like, also, like, the lack of cool factor there. But then once this happened, I was like, he is untouchable. It's untouchable until, I don't know, like, Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift. If you want some of my clips for your songs, I think that's the only way I could beat you at this point.

The funniest thing about that, that whole experience, is it started off with a lot of things. Like, how a lot of things start off my life, like, just me being, like, kind of stupid and naive because I. An email from, like, Arista Records or Sony. Like, Sony Music, something like that. Or it might have been both. And I was like, what is that? I mean, this is probably some garbage. And I. I think I deleted it at first. And then I was like, you know what? That was so weird. Like, let me go back and. And check it. And so I read through. I'm like, they want to use, like, something I said in my. And it was kind of vague, and they said it was for the song. And the song's name is gfy. And this is where the. My stupidity comes in, because I'm like, hello, GFY saw my TED Talk. My TED Talk's all about the positive side of breakup. GFY clearly stands for good for you. Like, breakup can be good for you. It all made sense. So I go back and forth on email. I never even bothered to, like, hear what the whole song was about. I, this whole time assumed it was good for you until I signed and gave the okay to have this clip of my TED Talk put into this. Into this song. And then they send me the thing that was all finalized and I play it. JFY does not stand for good for you.

Why don't you say, gary, what's the stand for? Or do you need me to say?

Stands for go fuck yourself.

Totally.

Which. Okay.

And he's talking about his girlfriend, isn't he?

Is that it's like a bitter breakup. It's like, you know, he was mad about the breakup situation, and, you know, he. When I went on stage with Him. And I actually have a video of this, but it's like, he explains how he was, like, really devastated by the breakup, and he was like. Happened to, like, look through the Internet for, like, how to get better, right? And so he found my TED Talk, and he's like. When I heard Gary talking about this, he's like, I started crying. He's like, Every time I hear this part of the song of his talk, I cried. So he's like, I want to put in my song. And I still. You know, this was on the email. And then I ended up talking to him, and I still was like, really? Like, whatever. Okay, fine. Sure.

Yeah.

But then you hear it. It actually fits pretty darn well. Like, it sounds like I don't say this about myself ever, but it sounds pretty freaking badass. Like, and I could not sing. Like, I got kicked out, of course. Literally, when I was in fourth grade, like, Mrs. West was like, we do not need your talents here. You go back to the classroom. So the fact that I ended up in a. In a music video, I mean, this thing has been viewed, I think, literally, like, a bajillion times.

Yeah. Yeah, that's a word for. Use that in your statistics class later. Later tonight.

Quadruple. But it's. It's up there. It's again. The five millions or something. It's something. It's.

No, it's. It's an awesome song. Definitely. Check it out. When you say the name of the.

Song in the artist again, it's GFY by Dennis Lloyd. And the video. The coolest thing about the video is it's got. It features a cat on a Roomba just kind of, like, going around. It's hilarious. And then there's. They cut to me, allegedly. But it's like some, like, ancient dude who is standing in for me because I wasn't able to fly out to be videotaped for it.

Yeah, that's, like, super creepy, actually having some weird guy stand in for you. It kind of threw me off. I'm like, wait a second. Is that Gary?

Well, it's like, my students watch, and they're like, what the hell? Why didn't you. Like, you should have been in the video, and, like, you should have got royalties and all this stuff. I'm like, yeah, there's a woulda, coulda, shoulda.

You didn't give royalties. Oh, I got.

I got a little bit. I got a little bit of money to say yes, but, like, I didn't think it was going to be viewed and listened to, so Many times, like, I, I should have negotiated better or something.

Should have, would have cut a man. Should have got it. Anyways, for those who are going through a breakup right now, hopefully that gives you, I don't know, just a moment of, of happiness just to think of Gary in this, because the cat on the Roomba.

The cat on the Roomba. If you're sad, you can't look at the cat driving around on the Roomba thing without just cracking a smile. It's fantastic.

Totally, Totally. All right, so breakups, why, how can they be a positive? I mean, when we're going through them, they're just so absolutely devastating. It's kind of like when someone dies. Like, how do you have a positive out of that? I don't know. I mean, what do you think? What comes to mind?

Well, I mean, I, I think it's human. Human experiences are complicated, right? And so we, we tend to want to group them into good things and bad things. And so if you're going to group things that way, breakups are definitely a bad thing. Right, but that's not actually how the world works, right? I mean, there's so many different experiences we have that you think of, you know, just like your wedding day, your wedding day is a positive thing, but it's not 100% positive, right? You know, you think of a graduation from high school or from college, it's not 100% positive or 100% negative. Like, our emotional experiences are nuanced. They're blended. There's a mix of positives and negatives. And so, you know, breakup is one of those things as well. And so, you know, when I say breakups can be positive, what I mean is not 100% positive. I'm not saying that it's without negatives, but I just don't think we give enough credit or look for the positives nearly enough in breakup. And so I actually started this, this research because I, I had, you know, I've experienced some pretty positive breakups in my life, and I know other people that have, have as well. And so it just wasn't something that was ever really studied. We just constantly asked people about breakup and how sad and lonely and depressed they were. And if that's all you ask people, they're going to be like, yeah, I'm pretty sad and lonely and depressed, right? But if you ask them some other things about you, just generally what's going on, they say, you know, I feel energized, I feel wise, I feel free. I, I, I, I feel like there's a bunch of opportunities I have now. I didn'. Some of it was just asking the right questions.

Just because they're single again, they're like, sweet, I get to go out, go to the club and go party again. Or like, what?

Yeah, I mean, there's definitely some of that, right? And so, you know, one of the things that I looked at very specifically was, you know, our relationships are supposed to help us grow and become a better person. And so if your partner isn't providing you with sufficient opportunities to do that, you know, it's addition by subtraction. Like, you're getting rid of this person who's holding you back. And maybe, you know, it's. They're not letting you go do the things you want to do, or, you know, they're. They're kind of putting you down for wanting to, like, learn to play guitar or, I mean, whatever it happens to be. It's your partner just may not be as helpful as they should be. And so by losing that person, you're getting a chance to. To go and grow as the person you should be.

What if your partner's trying to learn, like, how to play, like, the violin or something? Like, the most annoying just sounding. I mean, immediate breakup. That's it. Guitar I can support. Like, we can get a couple of chords, but ladies, please don't learn to play, like, something horrible or like a flute or something. Oh, God, I can't even imagine. Hey there, ladies. As you can see, we're just getting this podcast off the ground. And since we don't run any ads, I only have one quick favorite ask in return. Can you just take a quick second right now, pause this episode, and just leave us a review wherever it is that you're listening to. The podcast really help us out a lot, and it really does spread the love, and I think the world needs a little bit more of that. So I appreciate you. Now, let's get back to the show. So when I use the comparison to the death of a family and member, do you consider a breakup to be a grieving process? Like, do you go through the five stages of grief? How do you think about it?

Yeah. Whether there's, you know, five stages or exactly how you might kind of progress through those experiences, it's like death in the sense that, you know, part of who you are as a person is wrapped up in your romantic partner, just like a loved one. Right. And so how you think about yourself, how you identify as a human being, is largely defined through our relationships. And so if you're defining yourself through your relationship partner. Like, I'm so and so's wife. I'm so and so's girlfriend or boyfriend or romantic partner. And, you know, that ends. You now have to reorganize and just kind of reconsider who you are as a person. And, like, considering who you are as a person and thinking about and pondering your identity is a really weighty kind of thing to do. And so, you know, when a loved one dies, like a parent dies, you know, it shifts things in your identity. And that's. That's a process, right? I mean, you talk about stages. You know, it's a process to go through. It's like, wait, is this real? Yes, it's real. What am I going to do with it? How am I going to reconcile the moving pieces? And then where am I going to land on, you know, progress and how I'm going to move forward from this? You know, it's. It's definitely tough.

Yeah, I agree with everything you're saying. I also think it is. It's definitely dissimilar in many ways, but it's similar in that the amount of time it takes to overcome grief varies from person to person. Situation, situation. I think the same can be with breakups. Sure. Sometimes I feel like you come out of a breakup and you're like, oh, my God, like that. That's like three days later. You're like, I feel great. I'm ready to go. And then other times, and. And this is really just a lot of anecdotal experience about our clients. Like, I've had clients that have dated someone for 10 months, and it. It ends, and then they are, like, just ready to go, like, oh, my God, that was clearly the wrong thing. And I've had other clients who've literally gone on two dates with a guy and are devastated for, like, months. I was actually just talking to a client who went out with a guy, I think, for, like, three months, and this was four years ago, and she still can't get him out of her mind. Like, she's still struggling, and she's struggling with having any type of personal growth from that. So it's. It can just really vary from situation to situation and person to person and how you overcome that. Maybe the difference is just how well are people able to grow from the experience? I don't know.

Yeah, I think, you know, it's one of the things they say about grief is there's no one right way to grieve, and everyone grieves differently, and everyone kind of has their own process. And I think that's kind of what you're hitting on here with breakup is that there's no magic formula. Like, one of the most common questions I get asked in interviews about breakup is like, how long does it take before you're over that person and ready to move on?

Yeah.

And it's a really unsatisfying answer. But the answer is, like, it depends. Like, it just. It depends. And what does it depend on? Depends on lots of different things. But, you know, what you're saying about, you know, somebody might be with a person for a week and have a hard time getting over them. And other. A lot of it has to do with how much you've kind of mentally thought about your future together and really integrated that into your identity. And so, you know, so much of what you're hearing me talk about is how much you're, you know, your relationship has become part of who you are. Because so much of my research focuses on exactly that. And we find time and time again, if you have integrated yourself with the other person, whether that took a week, a month, a year, 10 years, that's going to be a harder breakup to get over.

Yeah.

To the extent that they helped you grow as a person, that's going to be a harder breakup to get over. Now, that all sounds really, really bad. And that's generally how we think about breakup. But, you know, it also means the opposite is true. You know, to the extent that, that your partner wasn't helping you grow, wasn't helping you become a better person, wasn't helping you become more fulfilled.

Yeah.

Losing that relationship is actually, like I said, it's addition by subtraction. You're able to, you know, bounce back stronger and. And better.

Yeah, I. I can definitely see all those that. About integration, your identity. And you definitely see how just the deeper you get in with someone, the longer you've been with someone, just your lives become completely intertwined. And certainly once you're married with a person, certainly once you have. And, you know, I can't even imagine what, what that type of a breakup would look like. I think that's important. But also there's. I think there's some other factors as well. Just someone's overall emotional stability and their ability to deal with challenges in life. I think that there's some people who just haven't had many challenges in life, and that's the first major challenge they face, and they don't know how to deal with adversity. And I think that that's One major factor, I think also someone's physical health, like, ability to just. Like we kind of joked about Ben and Jerry's and heating ice cream, but it's like, can someone actually just pull it together and stay healthy throughout the process? Exercise. Do they have outlets for energy to just not allow themselves to fall into a deep depression? And then the final piece, I mean, not the final piece. Another point that came to mind is just also just support structure. What kind of support structure do you have in your life as far as friends, family, who can guide you? Because if you're going through a breakup and you married across, you moved across the country to be with this guy, and now obviously your entire life is integrated with him because you live with him and you have a dog, and now you're suddenly broken up because you found out that he was cheating on you with some girl. Work, that's going to be a hard breakup because you don't have friends and family there. You're completely integrated and you don't know what to do. So, yeah, I think all of those will. Will definitely, you know, change the situation.

Well, I think that last thing you mentioned, it really points to something that everybody wants to think of before a breakup, right? And a lot of things you can do is things before a breakup happens. And just having a better relationship will make your breakup better, too, in the sense that good relationships don't require you to totally lose your. Your complete sense of self for the good of the relationship. Right? So if you're. If you're moving and you're losing all your friends and family and you're kind of sacrificing all these things for yourself for the good of the relationship, if it's not good for you, it's not good for the relationship. And so, you know, if you find yourself in that situation where, you know, this, the relationship becomes your whole life, it's the only thing that's a. That, that's not ideal. Like, some people have this romanticized notion that that is true love and it's not. Right. You want to have a full, complete life with the relationship is a part of it. You know, you need to be yourself, your partner, you know, it's me, it's a you. And in us, it's. It's not only us, Right? Like, you still have to be your own person. And to the extent that you are, that will make a breakup, if it happens, easier. Right? You know, some of the other things you mentioned, the emotional side of it, secure attachment. Like, we had a whole podcast on attachment Having a secure attachment. Those folks deal with breakup better, right? I mean, they're better at transitioning. They're not as devastated if you're, if you're insecure, particularly anxious, ambivalent, or preoccupied. Breakup's really hard, right? I mean, it's hard. You know, you can be with somebody for a week and like you said, you know, have some clients that are, that are still having a hard time getting over those, those relationships two years later, you know, and some of the other things you mentioned, like resilience and grit, like, you gotta, you gotta be a little resilient, like, you know, negative experiences, it happens. And so you have to be able to use those as pivot points and use those to, to get stronger instead of letting them completely take you down.

Yeah. And I, I, I, if you really do look back on your life, I mean, for me personally, my challenges are what define my most positive experiences ultimately. And it's really, it's a tough pill to swallow when you're actually going through it. But I remember certain moments in my life where I just, even just outside of relationships, like when I was starting this company and I was just some kid 16 years ago in my early 20s, who quit his management consulting job and was like, I'm going to become a dating coach. I'm putting up flyers around Boston calling myself Hitch. And, you know, I just embarrassing myself to an ungodly amount. And I think that it's moments like that that actually make you stronger because you realize that, you know, once you get through it, you're like, well, if I got through that, I can get through anything. So that is what builds a lot of resilience and it builds a lot of grit. And, and I think when you go through your first tough breakup, it's hard to realize that. But I think once you go through a couple of them, you can certainly, certainly start to learn and really grow from them.

So it's breakups. You think about it, it's something, it's a near universal experience. Like, very few, if any of us emerge from our dating lives unscathed, like, we all get, we all get broken up with. We all have breakups. I mean, it's part of growing up. It's part of, part of being an adult. There's this really great quote from Ralph Aldo Emerson that I like that applies to breakup. And it's our greatest glory is never, is not never failing, but in rising up every time we fail. Right? So it's, it's not that you're, you know, breaking, breaking out Feels like a failure at the moment, but it's. You know, something I say in the TED Talk is, you know, great relationships seldom fail, but the bad ones do as they should. And so when your relationship is breaking up, it feels bad, but, like, it's only breaking up because it wasn't as great as you thought it was. Right. So there's no way. No great relationship really breaks up and fails. You might. You may not believe that at the moment, but, like, there was a reason. And so the sooner that breaks up, the sooner you fail in that relationship, the sooner you can find the great relationship you really deserve. And. And that's. It's not a bad way to think about it. Yeah.

And you might think it's the most perfect relationship in the world, but I hate to tell you something. In relationships, it takes two to tango. And I just spend. You know, I have my coaching call right before this for Love Accelerator clients, and I spent so much of my time just trying to convince people of that fact. Like, it just. It takes. I don't care if he's the most handsome, successful, charming guy and he tells you how much he likes you, if he tells you he doesn't want a relationship, or he's like, hey, I can't see you anymore. Well, I hate to tell you, all those other things are kind of the. The icing on the cake, but the cake isn't there. You're not just going to. You can't just eat the icing. You know that you need the whole thing. You need everything. It's the foundation of a relationship. And. And so if you're feeling that way, like, oh, but he was so perfect.

He was so great.

He was so sweet. It's like, yeah, all those things are true, but he didn't want it. And it doesn't matter for whatever reason. It's just, let's move forward with our lives. So one thing I want to talk about, because for me, I want to make sure these things are prescriptive for people, if you're comfortable doing it. How do. The question I want to pose to you is, how do we make a breakup one of the more positive experiences in our lives? I have some ideas, but I'd be curious from you, like, what are some steps that you might take for those of us who are worried about getting broken up with, which is stopping us from getting in a relationship in the first place, or someone who is actually currently going through it? I mean, like, how do you make it a positive experience?

Well, I mean, I think there's A few things that you don't want to do. Right? Like, there's some things that people commonly feel like they want to do to make things better and easier that are just bad ideas, right? Yeah. And one of those is don't stay friends. Like, be done. Like, cut it off. And it's just something, you know, the research shows it's like, 60% of people think, like, oh, you know what? We're gonna. We're gonna stay friends. And what happens is it's really hard for two people both to want the same thing. And chances are, somebody wants to be friends for purely platonic reasons. Another person wants it because they want to get back together, and that's just not. It's just not going to work. And the research shows that people that stay friends, that they experience more depression, they have a harder time moving on to new relationships. So don't try to stay friends.

Gary, were you on my coaching call? Because literally, that was like, I had to run. I always have. I always run over, and I have to get to this podcast, and we were talking about this breakup, and right before it went, she's like, I know you got to go, but quick question. Can I still be friends with him? And I'm like, no. And I hang up and I leave. I'm like, no, you can't. You can't. It'll suck up all of your emotional energy. It doesn't work. And even if you are pretending yourself that you can be friends, you're not really trying to be friends. You're just hoping that he's gonna come around and see you in a romantic lens, and he's gonna be going around thinking you guys are actually friends. No. No way. Never happens. So, okay, yeah. Don't mean friends.

It's not. It's not a good tactic. And it's like, you know, there's. There's a big difference between could something work and is it likely to work? Those are two separate things. And so people say, oh, well, there is this, like, possibility that I'm. No, no, no. That possibilities, like, one in a thousand. That's different than is it likely. It's not likely to work.

How about friends with benefits? Like breakup sex? What do we think about that?

Bad idea.

Good, solid breakup hookup. What do we think? Bad idea.

Yeah. And, I mean, the research on friends with benefits shows, you know, men and women in those relationships, again, are approaching those wanting different things. And so anytime you have any relationship where the two people are in that relationship for two separate reasons, you're gonna have Problems like you got to be on the same page. You know, as you might predict, you know, the guys are in it for, for the sex and the women are there for the friendship and hoping that it turns into something more. And the guy's like, no, no, this is pretty good. I'm fine with just this situation.

Love it. Yeah, love this situation. Let's not change it. And I, I always say, like, a lot of these guys will be looking for the girlfriend experience, but they don't want to actually be your boyfriend. Like, they will, they'll even be, they'll, they'll sleep with you and they might even actually tell you some really intimate things and be vulnerable with you. And this is going to happen a lot with, when you're, you're with your ex and you keep it casual. Like you almost kind of go on as if you're still in a relationship, but all the same while you're not anymore. And he's probably going off and going on dates and meeting other women and the moment that he meets someone else, you're gone. So it's just, or vice versa. It's just not setting anyone else over success. So I think that's really good advice.

And I think, you know, the other big don't. That's related to all this is don't go back, right? Don't stay friends and don't, you know, once, once your relationship gets to the point where you and your partner are, or at least one of you is like, this is over, this is done. It's done. Like, don't go back and say, oh, well, you know, in two months we'll, we'll get back together and we're, we'll make it work. This time it was on again, off again relationships. I mean, the research shows repeatedly we call them on again, off again or cyclical relationships. All they end up really doing is prolonging the misery. Because you kind of started on this roller coaster experience of like, oh, it's, we're getting back together and it seems good. And then they have another fight and it's like, nah, you know, just kind of back and forth and back and forth. Stop wasting your emotional energy there. End it clean gone. Go find somebody else, right? I mean, this didn't, it didn't work for a reason, right? So go find somebody that it's going to work with.

Those cyclical relationships, I never understood those. I mean, for me personally, like when I was done or if, if someone was ending it with me or I ended it with them, like I'm So done. And I don't know, I, I just, I never understood people are like, yeah, we've been off and on again for like three years. I'm like, off and on again? How does that, I don't even know how that works. I know a lot of people do it, but I just. How does that tactically work that you're off and on again? You're just going to keep going through breakups again? It's like to me, a breakup is so painful that the moment, even if I'm the one breaking up with the person or vice or any breakup is just horrific. It's like, just move on. Get that person, like move on with your life. So I never understood those ones.

And I think a big part of it is, it comes back to something we talk about in relationship synergy in, in the very first step is like you got the foundation to any good relationship is really knowing yourself well, being confident in that person and really liking that person. So if you know yourself, you're confident in that person and you like that person, I don't think you're going to tolerate these three year on again, off again. You're going to say like, you know what, exactly what you said, we're done. Okay, fine, we're done. I wish that would have worked out. It didn't work out. I feel bad about that. But I also can go find somebody else. Like I'm, I'm a good enough, confident enough person qualified. I'm going to be fine. And I think that's why, you know, not only is knowing all that stuff, having that strong self foundation good for your relationship, it's good if your relationship doesn't work out. And so that's why, you know, like I said in my program, it's step one because that is really the most important thing.

Yeah, I was praising relationship synergy. So Relationship Synergies are coaching program Love Strategies. It's created by Gary. He leads the program. It's amazing. It's for obviously people who are in relationships, but also those who are single and just want to learn more about relationships. And then my program, of course the dating program. But the relationship synergy piece is so important and knowing that you're gonna be okay and being able to read like one of the notes I had here is a great way to make a, a breakup a positive experience is to rediscover your identity and it's something you mentioned and, and not lose it the next time and be excited to like reconnect with yourself. And, and so I just Think it's so powerful, everything that you teach there. And I love it. I think it's. It's so foundational. And you can just think of a lot of people that we've all probably met in our lives that just immediately they become a different person when they're in a relationship. You're like, who are you? Like, I haven't seen you in three months. Now you're dating this new guy, and now you're like, I don't know, eating mushrooms and, like, going off into the woods. And by the way, not against any of those things, but, like, I don't know, you used to be, like, a finance person living in Manhattan. So it's like, who are you? That happened in two months. I don't get it.

Yeah. And this is something, you know, I talk about in my TED Talk and I've done research on is, like, after people break up, there's a lot of different ways you can go after breakup to make yourself feel better, Right? And so one of it is, like, kind of just get back to your old routine, right? Yeah. Another one is, I'm gonna go and take on all these new and exciting hobbies and interests, and we're just going to try a bunch of new stuff, become a new person, maybe. Maybe try some mushrooms and do a little hiking. The other one that we had people do, and we had people do, you know, one of these three types of activities, the last one was a rediscovery of the self activity where we explicitly said to them, like, hey, in relationships, sometimes you don't get to do things that you really like. Right. There was parts of you that you underemphasized or, you know, kind of diminished while you're in your relationship. And so now that you're not in that relationship, go take this time to go back to doing some of those things. Like, if you always like hiking and your partner didn't like being out in the woods near bugs, like, this is a great chance to, like, go do some hiking again. And what we found was the people that did those rediscovery activities, they coped with their breakup better than the other two groups. And so, you know, they were more positive about their breakup. So that they reported things like being thankful and empowered and confident and strong and energized. They reported more personal growth. They reported less loss of self. Like, they just overall were doing much, much better. And so kind of getting back to your. Your question about, like, how do you. How do you get better after breakup? How do you make a breakup A positive experience like that rediscovery of self peace is huge. You know, it goes back to what I said about the, the foundation piece though is like, try not to lose yourself so much in the first place. But you know there's always going to be some sacrifices you're going to make along the way that, you know, just now you're not with that person. You don't have to make those sacrifices anymore. Like they, they were a vegan, didn't like you eating meat. Go have a big ass steak. Like.

No. Yeah.

Or whatever it was.

What would be your reconnection? All right, let me guess what you would do if, God forbid, you and your wife broke up. I'm thinking you would go to like some baseball game and like drink beer with your buddies and just like hang out. What am I way off? I'm trying to think.

Yeah, that's pretty good. That's pretty good. Yeah. It would definitely be like a sports related thing. Or it would be like go like hiking long, like go sleep out in the woods kind of thing. Like go out and be in. Be in nature.

Yeah. Yeah.

So what would you do?

What do you think? Any guesses?

A lot of kite surfing.

That's all I would do. Just go on a kiting trip. I'd go kite surfing all around the world a couple times in a row and I'd be extremely sad and. But it would be really fun. They would be fun. That'd be what I would do.

You can make positive about anything.

Luckily, Jess loves to travel as well. And she'll, she's probably listening right now. She can come with me on that kite surf trip, which is great.

Do you hear that, bunny?

We're going around the world kitesurfing trip. That sounds fun. All right, so don't stay as friends. One thing I talked about is your health, maintaining your health, having your support structure. If you don't have a support structure, even leading out communities like we have, and either my love accelerator program or your relationship synergy community is really, really important. And reconnect with your identity. Anything else that you feel is really important for making a positive experience.

I think one of the big temptations is to check up on your former partner.

Oh yeah.

Cruise their social media. Dare, dare I say cruise by their house. Like any, any of that kind of stuff. It sounds bad. The research shows all that stuff is bad. It kind of keeps you in the mental framework of the past relationship when really what you need to do is move on. That said, you know, one of the things that we know, too, is like, sometimes people, when they're feeling bad, they want to avoid feeling bad. So they try not to feel bad, right? They try to, like, block it out. And that's almost impossible, right? We. We just know with how we think about things, as soon as you tell yourself not to think about something, you automatically think about it.

Like, think about a purple elephant right now.

Right?

I mean, like, don't think about it. That's how I'm supposed to do it. Don't think about it. Yeah.

I was going to say the classic is like, do not think of a white bear. And like, immediately, you just did that. Do not think of your former partner. Do not think of kissing your partner. Do not think. All right? And now that's all you can think about. And so, you know, one of the things, you just have to lean into it a little bit, feel. Feel bad. And one of the things that we know, and I've done some research on this too, is writing about your experience helps. Writing forces you to organize your thoughts, put things down on paper, kind of see it, process it a little bit. And the research shows you can write about all the negative stuff, and that stuff helps. That's going to make you feel better. So there's a bunch of James Pennebaker research on that. I did some stuff with breakup, had some people write about the negatives and some people that I forced them to write about the positives. Like, hey, think about all the good things that came out of this. So now both of those groups did better with the breakup, but the positive group actually did even better. So that actually, that was the best. And we think that it's largely because people, when you're feeling sad, it's easy to feel sad. It's easy to kind of wallow in that, and it's hard to kind of snap out of it and then be forced to think about some of the good aspects. But these prompts basically force people to focus on some of those silver linings that were inherent in the process. And they kind of like, oh, yeah, I do get to hang out with my friends more. Right. I do get to go kite surfing all around the world. Like, look at that.

Now you're feeling. To me, yeah. I also think one thing I talk a lot about, because sometimes we have clients that it's time to break up with a guy that they've been seeing. And the first thing I say, if we. If they decide that that's the path forward, I never tell a client to break up. They have to make that Decision. That is not something I feel like a coach should really be imparting on someone. But if they do make that decision, I say, okay, first thing to do, post in the community and explain why you're doing it and do it before you break up and what you can have.

You.

This is basically a, A, A moment in history that you can reflect back on when after you break up with him, he's begging to take you back, or he says he's going to change, or, you know, a week later you're feeling lonely or you're feeling horny or whatever it is, you can reflect back on that, take a look at it, be like, no, that's not. That's not going to be good for me. And just having that piece down for you, I think is really important to just hold you disciplined throughout the process.

Yeah, it's what we call a commitment device. Right. It's something that kind of like you go on the record of saying, like, this is what I'm doing and why I'm doing it, and then it's out there and you can't take it back. And so, you know, it's. It's always there, and we don't want to go back on our word. And so you make that kind of stuff public, it's tough to retreat and double back.

Create a commitment device. You have all these fancy schmancy words. I love it. That's fantastic. Can we create, like, a commitment device? I feel like that should be like.

A contraption of sorts, like a Chinese. I feel like it's like a Chinese finger torch and you can't get out.

All right, on that note, we're going to create a Chinese finger contraption as our commitment. So for those of you who are going through a breakup, just know that you're going to get through it and lean into your identity. Please follow these strategies. And I assure you it doesn't feel like it right now, but in one year, two years, three years down the line, you're going to look back at this time. It's actually an incredible moment in your time to grow and just learn a lot about yourself and a lot about relationships. So, Gary, anything else you want to add to this conversation?

I just really want to underscore that idea that, you know, great relationships seldom fail, but the bad ones do as they should. And if your partner is not helping you become a better person, then ending that relationship just might be the thing that does help you become a better person. And though it's hard at the moment to go through that experience, you know, it's that kind of experience, those negatives that, you know, we grow from and get stronger from. So keep your head up. It's going to be all right.

You got it.

All right.

And next week, Gary, we didn't talk about what we're going to talk about next week, so I'm pitching to you what men find attractive in a woman. What do you think? The science of attraction. It doesn't have to be man or woman, but the science of attraction.

Absolutely. Let's do it.

Oh, that's gonna be a fun one. All right, so make sure you subscribe, like all that good stuff. And Gary, so excited for next week. That'll be great. Thanks so much, man.

All right, see you. Talk to you later.

All right, so now you've reached the end of the show. Please make sure you follow and subscribe to the Love Strategies podcast, wherever it is that you're listening so that you never feel alone again on your journey to love. As always, if you want to unlock all of our love strategies and begin your love life transformation, head over to lovestrategies.com to get started. Stay beautiful and speak to you next week.