How to Turn On a Guy INSTANTLY (with Your Eyes)

If you're nervous and unsure, you're lacking confidence, you tend not to look people in the eye and you kind of like, look around because, like, you don't want to be revealed. Like, you know, you don't want someone to figure out that you're not really good at this. And so looking people, it's like, I don't know, it's kind of, it makes you very vulnerable looking somebody directly in the eye. And so, you know, it's natural for people who are less confident to not want to look people in the eye.

Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast, where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. Oh, do we have a good title for all of you beautiful ladies today? How to turn a guy on instantly with your eyes. And right before we started this podcast, I asked Gary a really dorky question that he dorkily knew the answer to, which was, are eyes even an organ? And what, what did I learn just now? No.

Well, they're part of the brain, technically, right? It's actually part of the brain that you can actually see from the outside because the eyes are directly connected to the brain. It's all part of the same system.

Nerd alert. He learned that when he was getting his PhD.

Somewhere along the way, it's, it's either that it's like an intro psych textbook thing. I don't know.

Anyways, I was going to talk about this one organ that we have that can instantly turn on men. And it is true, actually, this is not just a clickbaity title. So today we're going to be talking about how your eyes can actually magnetically build attraction with men. And if we use them in a way, in the way that we're going to be talking about today, you're going to see actually quite a, a, a difference in how men are going to perceive you and respond to you. And if you use your eyes the wrong way, actually that can also repel men. So this is, this is an interesting podcast today, but I'm excited for it.

Yeah, I mean, you know, we're talking a lot about the Eyes. And it's partly because, you know, guys, when it comes to attraction, are visual creatures.

Right.

I mean, we all are, men and women both are, but men especially. And so one of the other things we know about the brain is that we register how physically attractive someone is. Not in the first minute, not in the first day. It's milliseconds, it's instantaneously, practically, and it's actually, you know, how someone looks is like, the one thing you can know about them without literally knowing anything about them at all. And so, you know, the eyes are such a powerful organ. Slash part of the brain when it comes to attraction. And so there's something really super simple, though, that you can do rather than, like, you know, I like this topic because there's so many things about attraction where it's like, it's physical appearance. And so, like, you have to work out more or, you know, wear makeup. There's all that kind of stuff. Like. No, no, no. Like, this is something anybody can do. It's super simple. And it doesn't involve you shifting, changing your physical appearance, or going on a shopping spree to change a wardrobe.

Yeah. It's interesting you say that about how quickly humans are incredibly judgmental creatures. And within those three, the milliseconds to three seconds of meeting someone, typically how we feel about that person is how we're going to feel about that person one to three years and beyond down the line. And there's some really interesting research about that. But I do remember with Jessica, like, the moment I saw her and she smiled and she made. We made eye contact. I was like, oh, my God. I remember saying to my body, I'm like, oh, my God. This is. This is it. Like, it was. It was crazy. I don't want to say it was love at first sight, because I. I don't believe in that. But it was a heavy, heavy liking at first sight.

I like that should be a new term for us. Heavy liking. I. I like that.

Heavy liking. Oh, my God.

Heavy, heavy liking. So what you said in. In that, that was very sweet. I. I love. That was very romantic.

I don't know.

It was. It was until it wasn't. And then you said in there, which, like, you saw her smile. Good. And then you said. And then we made eye contact. Yeah, eye contact. It's all about eye contact.

Right.

It's huge. And thanks to our phone and how much we spend time looking like this and not making eye contact with people in our everyday world, in real life, eye contact in a dating context, is more important than it's ever. And so we all kind of know what eye contact is. And it's like, you know, so what's the big deal? Well, research shows that eye contact helps our memory. Like, we have better memory for people when we've made eye contact with them. We better remember those conversations, and we're just better and more accurate with what we're thinking about. Right. When we make eye contact. There's also really one of the most famous studies, I think, in all of relationship science was actually done by my PhD advisor, Art Aaron. And it's decided the 36 questions. You probably have heard about this, right? It's the 36 questions that makes. And people say, like, it makes anybody fall in love, but it's really 36 questions to generate closeness between two people. And so people, you know, couples would come in, strangers, they'd ask each other a bunch of questions, and then they would see how close they thought afterwards. One of the parts of that experimental procedure that people don't really talk about but was very much part of it is there was a section where the two strangers would just sit there and hold eye contact with each other for a minute. So they would just. Yeah, right. And so you. You can't do that without starting to feel some level of connection, because in, like, an evolutionary sense, eye contact is either done as a threat or if it's held, it's between people who are comfortable with each other.

Yeah.

And so it's kind of like a hack or a trick to kind of like, if we're able to maintain eye contact for that long, we must have a connection. I. Or at least I feel safe enough in your presence to not think you're about to murder.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you think of the opposite is someone who you meet and they're just kind of looking around constantly. Actually, I met a guy. He stuck with me. I was in Portland, Maine, this past weekend with Jessica, and I met this guy at a bar. We were, like, playing pool, and he shook hands, but he never made eye contact with me once myself. There's something off about this dude.

Right.

I mean, and there. There was actually, it turns out he was just like. He's kind of a sketchy, sketchy dude for a number of reasons, but you just can't trust someone who's not able to actually make eye contact. And the longer that you hold eye contact, the more trust that you can really build with a person. It's interesting.

Yeah. And so, you know, eye contact, I. I think we're. It's not. This isn't particularly revelatory that eye contact is important, but it's important to get it right. Because if you, in a dating context, hold eye contact too long, you're going to give off those, like, scary, obsessive girlfriend vibes.

Hi. Okay, let me. I'll be the test subject. So this. That's. No, I don't know.

There's like an. There's like a famous Internet meme where it's like the.

Yeah, yeah.

Now, the other thing, the other direction is, you know, not necessarily the guy in the pool hall is not making it. It's just like too little eye contact. Like, it's just if you're not making enough and you're just kind of like constantly looking around, it just seemed disinterested, even if you might actually be super, super interested. And so, you know, you. This is something that seems obvious, maybe it seems minor, but it's actually something you have to get right. Because getting it right, you're, you know, massive impact. Turn a guy on. Get it wrong, you're going to send the wrong signals, and a guy's going to think you're not interested.

Yeah. So, Goldilocks, what is the magic. What is the magic amount? We don't want to have too much or too little. So what is it?

You know, again, this is like one of the things I was curious about, and so I was like, maybe. I wonder if researchers have looked at. Is there like an ideal number or ratio? And sure enough, they have. So it was actually some research that came out of Michigan State, and they found that when you're speaking, you want to maintain eye contact about half of the time. So 50%. So look, eye contact, look away. Fine. Half and half. When you're listening, though, what do you think? Do you think it should be more eye contact or less?

More.

Yeah, dead on. Right. So it's about 70%. 70% is kind of a hard number to make sense, but it's like three out of three out of four. Three, four. It's about, you know, that's 70. So it's like for every three minutes you spend making eye contact, you can have about a minute where you look away. So it's this 50. They call it the 50, 70 rule. So when you're speaking, 50%. When you're listening, 70%. And so any eye contact, though, should last, they say, about four to five seconds. So it's not like eye contact, like constantly darting around looking away, but it's also 4 to 5 seconds. It's not 10 seconds where it's like too long, right? Where it's like you're zoning out almost. And so, you know, it's a 50, 70 principle, but it's also, you know, the four to five second length. On, off. On, off. Long enough, but not too long.

Yeah. That's really interesting. Is it? It's something I. There was a time in my life where I would actually coach men in person, and I would go out with these guys and help them with their body language. And so much of it was maintaining eye contact and the power of being able to do that. And I wasn't as astute as you are with this research back then and understanding exactly these principles, but there were some men that I would go out with where they would actually make too much eye contact, and it was creeping some women out. It's like, dude, give her a little bit of space, dude. You're, like coming into her. You're gazing deeply into her soul, like you're trying to suck it out into your body. Body. And then like, what? It's. It's weird. Hey, man, tone it back. And then some. And then more often than not, it was not enough eye contact. And so it. It's so much. It's just kind of like finding the right balance that really just makes me feel connected with someone. Hey there, ladies. As you can see, we're just getting this podcast off the ground, and since we don't run any ads, I only have one quick favor to ask in return. Can you just take a quick second refresh right now, pause this episode and just leave us a review. Wherever it is that you're listening to. The podcast really help us out a lot, and it really does spread the love, and I think the world needs a little bit more of that. So I appreciate you. Now let's get back to the show. Yeah.

Because if you're. If you're nervous and unsure, you're lacking confidence, you tend not to look people in the eye. And you kind of like, look around because, like, you don't want to be revealed. Like, you know, you don't want someone to figure out that you're not really good at this. And so looking people, it's like, I don't know, it's kind of. It makes you very vulnerable looking somebody directly in the eye. And so, you know, it's natural for people who are less confident to not want to look people in the eye. So, you know, I can imagine that there's some of the listeners who are like, yeah, 50, 70 principal. 50%, 70%, like, how?

Come on.

Okay, math nerd. Like, how do I do. I don't actually put that into practice. I bring out my calculator and, like, yeah, no, so use the percentage. That's why I said, you know, half and half for when you're speaking, and about three fourths of the time when you're listening, it says this general principle. Like, so if you end up at 65% on either of them, I think you're gonna be okay.

Yeah.

Just remember, it's less about the percentage is more about engagement. So you just want to make sure that you're being thoughtful. And you look like you're listening. You look like you care. And so when you look away, don't dart around like. But, you know, you can just, like, thoughtfully, like, slowly look. Not like you're being chased or followed or, like, you know, who's behind me, that kind of thing. And you want to try to look side to side and up and away. Try not to look down. Down is the one direction that just looks a little. Like, when you start looking down, it starts looking less confident and more unsure. And I don't know about you, but this is the thing I haven't. I've always felt like, zoom. If there's, like, an awkwardness to it when you're. When you're talking to Zoom, and it's this looking down thing. When I read about this research, I'm like, oh, my gosh, this is part of my problem, because your cameras on zooms are almost always up. But then, like, even when we're doing this now, like, we're different. You know, you're in Boston, I'm down outside of New York City, we're on zoom. Right. And so it's like, camera's up here, but, like, your beautiful face is down over here. And so, like, I constantly. I want to look at you when I speak to you, but it's like, looking down, I know, looks weird. So it's like I'm constantly not looking at you to talk, and it's. That's part of what makes zoom interactions just a little bit tough.

Yeah, you're good at keeping eye contact with the camera. I'm terrible at it. I always want to look at your beautiful mug shot the whole time, and I'm going back and forth. And you're right. I'm probably just that guy who, like, is always looking down to the ground and very awkwardly, you know, awkward when. When he's making eye contact. Um, no, that. That makes a lot of sense. And I, again, I haven't really thought of the mechanics of that. I've just always found one thing that makes eye contact much easier. I think in social settings when you're getting to know someone, it makes it feel more natural, is rather than being head on with someone, creating a V shape with someone. So it's more of a side to side conversation so that looking away for a second is a little more natural. Like have you, if you've ever had a conversation with someone and, and you're just right across from each other and it's maybe 2ft distance from the two of you, it can feel a little bit too intimate right off the bat. Especially if you're just getting to know that person. And looking away is a little awkward because it's like, well, what are you looking at? So just by slightly shifting your body so it creates that V shape. You're almost more shoulder to the shoulder this way you're talking. Then you kind of look away for a second. You're listening, listening, listening. And that's a great way to be able to comfortably build that connection with a person and maintain the right type of eye contact.

Yeah, it's kind of, it's just kind of. I like that strategy because it almost lowers the temperature of the interaction a little bit. Where it's like when you're dead on straight, like it's very noticeable when you aren't look, it's like, I don't know, it just builds a little bit more of a cushion into the whole, whole experience. And I think, you know, we're talking about eye contact because, you know, and this is something we both have said a few times before is like a lot of times it's not what you're saying to the other person, but it's how you make them feel. And so eye contact and how you look when you're listening is really important. And so there's this concept known as soft eyes. Soft eyes, the tech, the technical definition of soft eyes is simultaneously paying attention to what is in front of you and what's off to the side. And so if you want to have soft eyes, you're kind of looking ahead, but you're really also paying attention to what's going on over here on the sides. And what that's helpful for is allowing you to take in the full context. Right. The big picture. It allows you to pay a little bit more attention to the other person's non verbal cues, which we know is important. It's like where 55% of communication information comes from is the non Verbals. And so it's basically just having a larger scope field of vision with soft elements.

Right? Yeah. It's kind of like zooming out while you're talking to the person.

Yeah. So it's like you're not like staring down the freckle on their nose kind of thing. Like, that's just a different way of maintaining contact, but, like, it's more of a holistic. I like to think it was more of a holistic kind of thing. And so, you know, I knew like the technical, like the periphery that's like, again, as you like, say, nerd. Nerd speak the practical. When I. When I think of soft eyes, and I read a lot about this in preparation for this, what I think the best way to make sure you have soft eyes is it's a. It's like a curious expression. Like you're hearing a heartwarming story. Right. And it's, it's actually the. Now when I was reading about this, like, it's the expression I feel like we both try to have on these podcasts when each other's talking.

I'm like, yeah, yeah, tell me more, Adam.

Sounds great.

Yeah. Especially on the notebook one we're talking about.

Yes. Very dreamy.

Very dreamy.

But it's. It's like that kind of just like. Oh, it's almost like. I also think it's like when you see pictures of like, kittens and puppies, it's like, like you kind of have this like, like your eye expression is like, oh. Or like my wife and I, it was raining on sun Sunday, so we were watching a lot of Planet Earth and it was like every time there's like a fuzzy little, like grizzly bear or like a penguin, it's like, like, yeah, total soft eye expression. Now contrast that with something that's not soft eyes, which non soft eyes would be like, more analytical, skeptical. It's like squinty and furrowed brow. It's like you're not sure about. And I think that's the kind of. It's the kind of look that you would give when you're working on a math problem.

Right, right.

Or like trying to figure out the directions on your phone, it's like, like, that's not soft eyes. And so, you know when the 70% of the time when you're maintaining eye contact, when you're listening to somebody else, like, you want to get in this mentality of others, and now no one's going to be perfect, you're not going to have soft eyes the entire time. And there's probably times when it doesn't make sense to have the tell me a heartwarming story look, but this is like, well, you know, we talk all the time about strategies that help kind of like 10x your relationship abilities. And so like everybody knows about eye contact. Like, did you know about 50, 70, did you know about soft eyes? Are you thinking now you're going to have these strategies in your back pocket moving forward to make yourself even more effective?

Yeah, I feel like with, with all this technicality, it's just worth talking about mindset because I, I think when the people who are most comfortably comfortable socially and good with eye contact are those that when they meet someone new, they go into it kind of treating that person as if they've known them for a long time. And like that's always something. Like there's some people you meet where they're just like so friendly and they just want to get to know you. And they, they're talking like you've been, you've literally been friends for five years or you've, you know, you have a long history together and they treat you almost the way that they might treat a close friend. And then you meet some people where they look at you with more the analytical eyes and like, yeah, okay, so you know, tell me more about yourself. Like I can picture picture meeting a guy who's just like, okay, so yeah, yeah, so like what do you do? What do you like, tell me more about what do you do? And it was like, I don't know versus like a guy's like, hey, you know, just, I don't know, like what do you, what do you do for work? Yeah, there's just, there's a different way and it does combine the eyes. Notice my eyes even expanded when I said that versus like this, this squinty look. But it, it comes from a place of, of of mindset where I just think you just treat everyone like you might treat a close friend in many ways with that warmth and that kindness and, and then the soft eyes, I think will come pretty naturally along the way.

I think the other thing that will help with the soft eyes is something you're really, really good at. And you know, it's in the same realm of, of non verbals is what I think you call it smocking.

Oh, smocking. Smiling while talking, baby.

There you go. Yeah, so when you smile while you talk, it just kind of forces your eyes to do the right things. And you can't have this like cold analytical eye gaze if you're smiling while you're talking. And so, like, those in combination, I, I think would be really helpful for folks because I know there are. There are definitely people. And I know from. From talking to women about this, it's like, you know, eye contact can be intimidating. And so one of the little tricks is if you don't want to look directly at somebody's eyes, you can just look at the bridge of their nose, and people cannot tell the difference. And so what. And what will happen, inevitably is you'll start off doing that, and you'll get progressively more comfortable, and then the eye contacting will just naturally come.

Yeah, this is a trick I've used for years. And it's especially necessary when you meet someone that you are very, very attracted to, because that is the time where it's hard to continue looking at them deeply into their eyes, because it just. It almost builds. It's like my. For me, personally, my brain would go into, like, overdrive. I be like, oh, my God, I cannot. I cannot handle it. Like, my brain would explode. Like, look, probably looking at Jessica in her eyes deeply when I first met her. Like, I just. I probably couldn't handle it. So just stare at the bridge of her nose. They. No one can ever tell that you're doing that. And it takes a lot of pressure off of you to stare again deeply into their soul. And it's worked for probably thousands of clients at this point when. When you use that strategy.

Yeah. And, you know, one last very practical strategy bit, and I saved it for last, because no one likes to hear this, but it's. And everyone's like, yeah, I know, but really, you need to hear it is. Put your damn phone away.

Put the phone away.

Not just like, on the table, like, away, awake, away. Put it in the next room. Put it in your per. Put it. Leave it in your. Like, nowhere near you. Like.

Yeah, go ahead, Gary.

Sorry, I was gonna say mine right now, currently, because I'm very focused on. This is actually downstairs. It's nowhere near me.

Yeah, that's good. And your IQ goes up when your phone's away, isn't it? Is that true? Didn't they say something like that?

Yeah, I was going to say the research shows, like, when your phone is just around you, like, you're. It's divided attention. And so, you know, you don't think like, oh, my phone doesn't. I'm not on it. It's not. But it's actually, like, part of you is like, what's going on? What am I missing? What Am I missing? What am I missing? And so by paying attention to that, you don't have your full attention to, to spend on somebody else.

I'm a huge fan of do not Disturb. I'm always on Do Not Disturb on my, on my phone. People know that they have to call me twice in order to ever get through to me. People hate it. They really do. But the people that I'm with in real life really appreciate it. And so look, this advice has been killed to death over the past decade. I feel like those who are going to actually put away their phone will have done it already. But for the small percentage of you that we can push to the other side. There is nothing less attractive to a high value man who respects his time than to be on a first date with a woman who's constantly on her phone. I mean, that would be such a deal breaker for me so quickly, like over done. And so. And I'm sure the same would go for you, Garrett. Although you love like going out like the Tick Tockers and the Snapchatters who do like the selfies. I'm sure you would love that if you were single, right?

Not at all. No, no.

I could just imagine you on a date.

I mean, I, I enjoy a good tick tock dance like the next fella, but you know.

She'S on a date. No, no, stop, stop. I gotta take a selfie and do one of these.

No, I have no, no aspirations to be an insta boyfriend. Like the guy that follows. Like, you always see these like poor guys that are following the girlfriend around, like, okay, like, oh, here's another one there.

It's like no deal breaker.

Can't do it well, you know, so, you know, eye contact, I, I like, you know, we do these like, like this is very specific, very specific, very practical. I like to tie it to like a broader theme. And I think the broader theme with this is that, you know, successful dating relationships, it's all about give and take. And so when you're talking about eye contact, when you're speaking or when you're listening and soft eyes, it's about making sure you're giving and taking and it's mutual. There's a balance. You're connected and it's, you know, it's a little bit about vulnerability too. And so that vulnerability is going to lead to connection. And you know, that's just a general mindset that's going to help you in your relationship. And it applies broadly and it also applies to something specific, like eye contact.

And the thing About.

Yeah.

And on that note, the thing about body language is you can listen to something like this and be like, okay, there's the 57, 50, 70 rule. Be aware of it for like a day. See where you stand on that. If you're like, hey, I'm actually pretty good about this. I think I'm good. Move on. If you're like, hey, I need to work on this, work on it for a week, and chances are you'll start to adapt that behavior and then you move on. And so it's one of those things like smocking, as an example, which is smiling while talking. That was something I learned myself through. Just like constant, like, repeat of failure and, or success with connecting with people. And then it just become kind of natural after a while, after like a couple weeks of just being like, okay, I'm always going to smile while talking. Same thing with eye contact. I used to actually really struggle with eye contact, especially in college. Right. I didn't have a lot of confidence, especially with women, and I focused on it. And then now it's just a natural behavior. So coming out of this today, why don't you just do a quick check in with yourself? Do you have the soft eyes or do you have the squinty eyes? Are you the type who doesn't make any eye contact? Are you making may perhaps too much eye contact? Do a quick assessment, see how it goes, and, you know, adjust accordingly. And that's what strategy is all about, is taking those steps, learning new information, applying it, and then adding it to your arsenal and then getting the results you want. So I think there's a fun one. I was like, I was a little unsure about this one, but this was. I didn't think we could talk 24 minutes about eyes, but I think we did.

Turns out we can't. I mean, you're not a finished product. You can always find ways to improve. A little bit of improvement in eye contact. You're on your way to killer conversations and killer relationships.

Absolutely. Thanks, Gary. That was fun.

Thanks.

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