https://www.listennotes.com/e/ccc23f4c3f484d42863848912a23c9e4

All right, Gary, in today's podcast, we are going to be discussing the age old question, which is, should you take him back? Gary, I want to bring a little prop into this because I have a question for you. Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else. Backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are my myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of love strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy.

It's been a long time since we had props.

I know, I like it. If he looks like this though, should you still take him back? Let's see.

Yeah. Wow. Wow.

Yeah. I mean, look at this pecs.

Wow. Wow. That's. I find it offensive that you took a cut out of my body and used it like this. Oh, yeah. Not, not true. Not true.

For those who are listening, on the pod, I had a just really sexy cowboy cutout, life size in my office. Don't ask me why I have that in my office, Gary.

I, I, I am too scared to, I'd rather not know. I'm assuming it's for Jess, my, my wife.

Yeah, my wife has, like legitimately just gotten used to this stuff coming from Amazon, she's just like, what? Why do you have a life size cowboy with no shirt on coming in.

She'S like, great, another naked cowboy.

My video studio, Just a side side note, then we'll get into this. Like, I buy all these props all the time for all these video shoots and they like love to keep them so they have like a corner of the studio just for my crap from like years ago. Life size cutouts, all this weird stuff. Like half of it I don't even use in videos because I'm like, oh, this is junk. This is stupid. But man, he loves it. He's like super into it. He's like, I can't throw it away. I love this. I have my blow up doll. I love that thing. I gotta keep it. Yeah.

Adam's chaos corner over at the studio, full of just junk.

Ooh, chaos corner. All right, let's get back to it. Should you take him back, Gary? What do you think? Should we take him back?

I think this is, I love talking about this. This one came directly from something our Clients ask about on a regular basis. Right. This is a monthly recurring topic. And it's like, hey, you know, we're on a mastermind. Like, hey, this guy. I got this text. And the text just said, hey. Or it says, what's new with you? And this is a guy who has long since been out of the picture. Months, weeks have gone by, sends a text and says, miss you. And the problem with these texts, these guys that come, is it seems innocent. Like it only takes a second. You have mixed emotions about it because it's like, oh, gosh, he hated that he's back because you're finally. You just gotten over him. But you're also like, huh, I wonder. I'm intrigued. Your mind wanders. And, you know, it's. It happens enough that it's something where you want to make sure you have a strategy to deal with this. Otherwise you're going to make big mistakes.

Yeah. And what's worse is texting has made this problem so much worse because it's so easy to text, like two or three different people. Be like, hey, miss you, thinking about you. You know, like back in the 1950s, if you want to get back in touch with a woman, you had to pick up the phone, do the little rotary dialer thing, miss her, like, leave. Do they have voicemails in the 50s? No. Keep calling her until you reached her or show up to her door. Now it's just like you're sitting on couch watching Netflix. You're like, I'm horny. I'm gonna text you.

Well, and so many of these guys, that's what they're doing. They're like, just like trolling with text messages, just throwing a whole bunch out, seeing what hits. And yet at the same time, when it lands in your. On your text stream, you don't know that what he's doing and why. But then your mind just kind of flips to all these possibilities. And so this is something we've helped hundreds of clients navigate. And today we're going to talk about what to do when these old flames flicker back and find their way back into your life.

Yeah. And this is just absolutely bound to happen at some point. And typically it happens when our clients start working with us. This happens all the time. I find that these men of the past call them zombie partners. They. They have this little Spidey sense that they can tell when you're just about to move away from these guys and, like, you're about to just start a new life and you're really excited about it. And they're like, come back. Come into my life. I want to suck your blood. Or what zombies do. They just. They just eat you alive. And the real. It just happens all the time. And so we have to be really, really cautious in these moments, because you got to get this right. Because if you don't, you really are making. You have a major risk factor of reopening these past wounds. You can prolong the pain. I mean, sometimes it might. You know, it's six months since you talk to this guy, then he comes back into your life, then it's another six months or another six years, and it just makes it all worse. So we need to be super aware of what we call boomerang boyfriends. Gary, you want to explain what that is?

By the way? I have to just say, solid zombie impersonation back there. That was really good.

I'm trying to give the listeners who are just listening on the podcast a little entertainment since they didn't get to see my cowboy.

It's all fair, it's all good. And so, you know, I think, you know, zombie partners, boomerang boyfriends. The thing is about a boomerang boyfriend is you throw him away and somehow he just hooks back into your life. Here's what's funny about it. And having worked with clients now for a couple of years myself, you see, there's a window of opportunity for these boomerang boyfriends. It's about six weeks to three months. And why, like, why is it that timeframe in particular? Most of the time it's because he's cycling through other partners. Right. And it feels like just enough time for you to have changed your mind. The one caveat to that window of opportunity is there is a seasonality to it. Right. I did a presentation for our clients about this. Lots of strategies in there. And we did it right after Thanksgiving because that Thanksgiving to New Year's window, huge, huge opportunity for the boomerang boyfriend. And so, you know, while it can be a little bit seasonal, it's also, there's been a uptick, you know, before the summer season as well. It can happen at any time. Chances are, if you've been dating, it's happened to you in the last six months, one way or another. It's important to prepare for this because it's just going to make your entire dating journey easier.

Yeah, I mean, I know someone personally who has been married for a long time and her ex boyfriend still texts her, and guess what? He's still married. But, like, she's not responding like how ridiculous is that? He still texts her and she doesn't even respond. She's like, what is this? Like, what? What?

Weird.

What's that?

Yeah, it's just weird. It's like offloading emotional labor onto past partners in some weird way.

Oh, so gross.

I don't know. And so, you know, what we're going to talk about with these boomerang boyfriends is why did he go? Why is he back? Why are you even entertaining this idea? And actually, like five direct questions to ask yourself to. To really figure out should you actually take this dude back? And so why did he go? You have to get down to figuring out what was his motivation in the first place? To leave or you encouraging him to leave. Right. And so number one, I think, is it fizzled out. Right. It started really passionate. Everything was amazing. It was great. And it just didn't have staying power and it kind of died on the vine. Fizzled out. Whatever metaphor you want to use, I start with this one because this is absolutely the hardest one to get over and the one who's going to be most intriguing to you when they boomerang their way back into your life, because they're going to come back and you're immediately going to jump to all those beginning early good times and think, that was fun. I would, I would like a little bit of that back in my life.

Yeah. I mean, the vast majority of that quote unquote relationship was hot sex, really great chemistry, great conversation. So when it fizzles out for that, like last week, where it starts to fizzle, you're gonna only remember the good times. You know, the, the boyfriends that you're with for eight years where it's like he had five years of just like. Right. Those are, those are actually in many cases easier to get past. And. But that is definitely the most common is just the fizzle out effect. The other one is that he may have just had the grass is greener effect, or maybe you had the grass is greener. Like he thought he could do better. And that can sometimes happen. Another one that's very common we see with our clients, and we see this a lot. Once our clients start working our process and start working the little love steps is our clients will start dating someone new. And they establish a very clear boundary with a guy very early on. For example, they want to move slow when it comes to intimacy. And sometimes these guys pull away and they bail. And we always remind ourselves, our clients, this is a good thing. Sometimes when we start a new process, a new strategy, it can actually repel certain types of guys. And guess what that means it's working. It's working. And then guess what? The right types of guys who adhere to your boundaries and are comfortable with them, they stick around. They stick around. So that's a very common thing that we'll see with our clients. And it's one of those things you say out loud and you're like, yeah, I know this isn't good marketing for what we do, but in many cases, it's the raw truth and it's what sets you up for long term success. We want to repel the bad guys to save you time and energy.

Yeah, you got to, like, make space in your life for the good stuff to find you. If you're constantly distracted by a bunch of garbage, you're just, the good stuff could be around, but it's never going to have a chance to find you because you just don't have the emotional energy to notice it. I, I think the last big reason why these guys have gone is you broke up with him. Like, he did something that got him nexted and deservedly so, and that's why he's gone. And so you notice all these reasons, the fizzling out, thought he could do better. You establish a boundary. You broke up with him or nexted him. None of them are good reasons for him going away. None of those scream, huh, great guy, should take him back. And I think that's important to realize in terms of just the overall thought process behind this. Because something we teach all the time is like, you can have strategies, but you really got to make sure you're in the right mindset and thinking about relationships and dating in a smart, thoughtful, intentional way. And so this is part of it. It's like, why did he go in the first place? The next aspect of this is, okay, so why is he back? Well, number one reason I think is he thought the grass was greener. He realized that wasn't grass at all. It was painted asphalt. It only looked a little bit green. And so he realized what he was missing. He thought he could do better, but now he's back. Hmm, weird.

This is an interesting one. It's actually. God, should I say this on Whatever. I'll say it. I've already started. We have an ex employee who's with us for a short period of time. And he was like, oh, I have this other job opportunity, I'm going to go take it. And he came back and he recently, he's like, I want a job back. I want a job Back and his manager was just like, nope, sorry. Like, you missed it. You know, you realize that you had an amazing thing. This is like one of the best companies out there in this space. If. No, in this space. The best company out there. And it's like, you missed it. You know, And I think a lot of people have that idea when it comes to their love life or anything in their life where they're just like, I don't know, I got. I feel like I can do better. I feel like I can do better. And then they're like, oh, no. Oh, it's, it's bad out there. It's full of vampires and zombies. I don't want that. I mean, I think another one that comes, and this is a big one, as I was saying earlier, is that he's just bored, he's lonely, he's feeling bad about himself. Maybe he's going through a vulnerable time and, you know, he's just hitting you up because, you know, he wants to fill that space in his life.

Yeah. And, you know, there's actually research that shows people are more likely to try to rekindle these former flames when they're high in attachment anxiety. Right. They kind of have that needy, clingy, desperate for closeness kind of thing about them, but also when they're not very sure about who they are as a person. So when they have what we call low self concept clarity, it just encourages you to want to reconnect with something you had before because it was a little bit familiar. Right.

And so that's the same as like low self esteem.

It's related to low self esteem. Low self esteem is like an evaluation of yourself. Low self concept clarity is like how well you feel like you know yourself. And so they're, they're actually highly correlated. So I would say, you know, self esteem would very much factor into this. Though I'm not sure that study looked at self esteem. Clarity and esteem are highly correlated, so I'd assume it's all runs together. I, I think, you know, another separate reason why this guy comes back. And this is, this is actually my favorite one because when I say this one to clients all the time, it's like the light bulb, it's like, ah, that is why he's back. And it's. He's hoped you've lowered your standards. Right. He's still the same guy. He just waited three months to see if all those things you said you were looking for that you meant then, if. Do you still mean them now or have you softened a little? Bit on that you still for look looking for something long term, fulfilling and meaningful or you open up for you open for a little casual hookup because three months ago you said you weren't down for that. But I'm just checking back to see if you may change your mind about that thing.

So one thing you'll hear a lot on the podcast is us mentioning the seven little love steps. These are seven powerful yet simple steps that you can take in your love life to attract that man that lasts for the rest of your life. Your life. So if you don't know the seven little love steps, then I have a free training for you. It's completely free. Just head on over to the love steps.com and go through that virtual training. I think you're going to really enjoy it and get a lot out of it and understand our exact framework for attracting that relationship you truly deserve. Again, that's the lovesteps.com. all right, back to the pod. Gary, this literally just happened this weekend. Like, my wife with a bunch of her friends. She's one friend who's single and she was talking about this very thing. God, I am just like divulging way too much information today. But here we are. And let me tell you, it was so fascinating to just hear. I'm, I was like, doing the dishes and just listening. I'm like, don't talk, Adam, don't talk. You know, like, because they all know I'm listening and they know what I do for a living, so they tread carefully and cautiously. But this one, this guy, she went on a couple dates with him and he was just trying to go for the casual thing. And then he reached out again two months later and legitimately, just like, he got the hook in, started the conversation, and then very quickly segues into, well, I was just hoping we could actually kind of have a casual relationship. And he was like, weirdly open about it over text. And she's like, what's his deal? I'm like, don't say. And they're all like, analyzing it. My wife, my wife knows love strategies really well. So she's, she can handle, she can take that conversation. But you're just like, oh, my God.

I always have to fight the urge to give like a little mini TED Talk or a mini lecture about these things. Like, I have so much to say about this topic, but I won't.

Doesn't your daughter say, like, don't, don't give another TED Talk?

Yes. She's like, dad, I don't, I don't need another TED Talk? It's okay.

That's good.

Thanks. Thanks, honey. So I think, you know, one of those things, that those guys are coming back. They're boomerang in that case, because he's hoping you lowered your standards. And from his perspective, it's worth a shot, because if he can reconnect and rekindle the relationship you had before, he's really hoping he can pick back up where you left off. And what I mean, really there is sexually, like, he's hoping to, like, you know, wherever your relationship had progressed to before. And sexually, he's hoping three months, six months later, hey, what's up? Miss you? Well, he's hoping that that relationship just kind of immediately launches right back to where you just were. And I would just say, once again, you look at all those reasons we just went through about why this guy is back, none are particularly good and shout, he's a good guy. You should bring him back. Right?

But it's still a forbidden fruit, Carrie. It's one of those things, like, we know intellectually that all this sounds really bad, and we know that this guy is probably not good for us, but there's always still a part of us when we. When we're faced with that text to. I don't know, maybe I should take him back. You know, maybe. Maybe that fruit, it's not so forbidden anymore. Maybe he's changed. And I think the reason why people go through this process, and I've gone through this process, we're all human. And I know you're perfect, Gary, so you probably haven't, but I've totally done this.

I totally did. I totally did this once.

Yeah.

Okay, good.

I don't know, man. You. You have all your shit together, let me tell you. But, I mean, I think it comes down to the fact that receiving that text, it just feels good. It feels good to be wanted. And likely, if you're receiving that text, you're probably lonely and operating from your own kind of scarcity mindset thinking, you know, well, this is the devil I know, right? It's kind of the known versus the unknown. Well, yeah, that guy was really flaky. He would come in and out of my life every two weeks. He wasn't. Wasn't particularly nice to me, but the idea of going on a dating app and meeting someone new is, like, just. I can't even think about doing that. Yeah.

And I think some of it's just basic impatience, Right? It feels a little simpler, a little quicker, a little safer than starting over, kind of like what you just said, you know, the devil that you know. I also think some of that just comes out of feeling a little adrift, a little lost, a little unsure of yourself. And, you know, I know something a client just said this week to me was, you know, getting them. If I just get them back, it's gonna solve all of my problems.

Right?

And that's very much a feeling. Right? And I totally understand that feeling that this one piece is what's missing. And once I get that into place, everything else is gonna be fine. But that feeling is very rarely a reality. It doesn't usually happen that way. I've also heard clients say, you know, well, you know, he's back and he seems so eager, and I just. I don't want to let him down. I don't want to hurt his feelings or they start justifying, like, well, you know, there was a lot that was bad, but it wasn't all bad. And so, like, that's true. That's always true. This is what makes every relationship really hard, because no one is 100% terrible, and no one is 100% amazing, and there's always a mix of both. And it's just what you want to pay attention to. And so what we know from research is we call this in psychology, the fading affects bias, where basically you forget how bad things were. Right? Like, those bad feelings that were really awful at the time. You get out three months and it's just. It doesn't. Well, he wasn't that bad, right? It wasn't that awful. It wasn't that painful. And it's like, well, no, it was. You're just forgetting a little bit about how bad it was.

Well, and I think something that really bonded you and I when we first started working together is this idea that the love coaches out there who focus their business and their coaching on getting your ex back, there's something quite. I'll say it. There's something kind of dirty about it because it's really appealing to people who are affected by the fading affect bias. And it's appealing to this deeper sense of wanting to get back something that you think is good. But in fact, the relationship ended for a reason, and it's likely the wrong relationship for you. And so this is why here, you know, I've been a love coach for going on 13, 14 years now, and I've never had a product which is how to get your ex back. We don't do that around here. You won't see videos like that. How to get your ex back. Because in most cases we want to actually take a hard look at. It's like the wrong question you're asking. It's the question you're going to be asking, but it's actually the wrong first question to ask yourself, which is, you know, how do I get him back? How do I get him back? Whereas we're going to give you some questions to think about. Maybe, maybe the pursuit is to, you know, rekindle, reconnect. And we do have that as part of some of our programs, which is like, if you decide that it is right for you to go back to him, sure, we can like, re. Engage and have some strategies to make that happen, but we're going to go through a whole series of thought process before we even consider that.

I love that you brought that up because that is really. That was like one of the first things you and I ever talked about. And I remember you saying something about. And I was like, wow, he's actually like, he cares. He's actually doing the right because. And this is what I love about what we do is that when people say, how can I win him back? That's a very common question. And the easiest thing in the world would be, well, here I can tell you how to win him back. And this will, you know, I'm going to help you answer your question. That's the easiest thing to do. What's hard is to do what's right, which is. Wait a second, let's pause. Is that thing that you want to win back worth winning back? Because often it's not. And often you can do better and deserve so much better, and it's harder to do that. And sometimes people are like, but I just want them back. And it's like, no, no, I, I know, but we got to make sure it's worth winning back. And so that's what I love about, like, how we do things, even though it's, you know, not. We're pushy. And I always tell with clients I'm a little pushy, but in a good way.

Like, well, we're, we, we're pushy. And this is just a quick side note before we get to the questions. We're going to get there, I promise. But this is why I know that ChatGPT will never take our jobs. Because many times when we're going through a challenging time in life, it's not that we don't have the information, it's that we're asking the wrong questions. And so often we'll get questions from clients where it's just not the right question to be asking. And I would say about 60% of the time when someone asks me a question I actually don't answer. I mean, I will eventually answer the question if they need me to answer the question. Sure. But it, most of the time it's actually rethinking what is the question and in the first place. And so I just wanted to kind of prop that up when we're getting into these questions to ask yourself as you're going into it. So Gary, you want to take us to the first one?

Yeah. And so, you know, these are the five questions you need answered to really figure out if it's worth considering to take somebody back. Number one, and these are questions I think most people aren't thinking to ask themselves. And so this is, you know, high level strategy for this. And so the first question is, what were the key issues that led to the initial breakup? Now you want to make sure that you're not just asking yourself that because, you know, ask him, right? Ask him to figure out, you know, like, where did everything go wrong? And don't give him a multiple choice. And you know, do you think it was this? Or what about this? What about this? Just ask what do you think went wrong? And see if he can articulate it. He needs to be able to explain what went wrong because if he doesn't know what the hell went wrong, he ain't going to be able to make it right. He also, in that conversation, if he's part of what went wrong, he should be sincerely apologizing. Sincerely apologizing is taking ownership, making it clear that he somehow understands how his actions impacted others, namely you, and have a clear plan for doing things differently. Like this is the things, these have to be in place. Now. How many of those original problems are going to remain? Let's be honest, reality check. Most of them. Most of those original problems that happened three months ago, six months ago, they're still there. But this is why, this is number one. And if those problems are all still there, like, why would you think there's going to be a different outcome? Should you take them back? No. If he doesn't know what the problems are, those problems are all still there. You know, you're just going to end up wasting more time. Perhaps.

Definitely. And I mean, depending on how the breakup happened and what went down. There's also a side on your end where you want to be answering this question for yourself. Right? And like, I think the best way to rekindle a relationship, if it is going to be rekindled is both people taking total ownership of the situation, and therefore, both of you are really working towards a resolution together. You know, if. If both of you go into that conversation blaming each other and not taking responsibility, good luck.

Right.

Good luck. It ain't happening. So, yeah. What were the key issues that led to the breakup? First question. The second one that I'd really be thinking about as, what has changed in him as a person? What has really changed? What clear evidence do you have that these changes are actually genuine, they're actually substantial, and most importantly, that they're sustainable. And we want to be thinking, like, will these changes actually give the relationship a better chance of working? Maybe it's therapy. Maybe if the reason why I broke up. You broke up is because you're so focused on work. Has he made drastic changes there? Maybe there are some health issues that he was facing and it caused him to be depressed or he wasn't sleeping well. And, you know, there's a million reasons why, but has he taken very clear action on this that has a track record? And I'm not just saying like, oh, yeah, I went to therapy last week, therefore I'm ready to Kindle. No, no, not even a chance in hell are we going to be considering that. I want to see something sustainable that has actually taken place where, you know, you can actually be set up for success. But the reality is, and this is not new advice, but I think we need to be reminded of things more than we need to be taught new information, which is it's really hard for people to change in a substantial and meaningful way over a very short period of time. It's very hard, especially over a short period of time. You know, if the breakup was eight years ago and he cleaned up his life and he came back and he's been sober for five years and he's working the program. Okay. Okay, now let's talk. But if he's been sober for five days.

Right.

Good luck.

Yeah. Or he came back and be like, you know, I'm totally changed. I listened to this one podcast, and it changed everything.

Oh, my God, Tony Robbins is so great. I just. I just started listening to this thing. Oh, cool. Have you, like, been to any events or anything? No, no, no. I was thinking about doing that at some point. Okay.

Yeah, because, like, listening. Listening is one thing. Like, taking action is a whole other step, and it's actually a really important step. Which, you know, I think brings us to the third question, is the same question for you is, like, what has changed in you. Since the relationship ended, are you different in some way that's going to give the relationship a better chance of working? And maybe you're not the one that needs to be making a ton of changes, but is there something about you that has changed? It's going to improve, and it's the same reality check. Like, is. Is it really changed, or are you really just kind of shifting your standards, relying on fuzzy memory? But you should be different, too, in some way if this thing is really going to work. And I think one of the big ways to be different is the fourth question, which is how open and honest is your communication? Because one of the things that leads to people, you know, drifting apart or relationships not working is flawed communication. And so what's your role in that? Like, are you holding things back? What are you not saying? How about him? Are you sure he's being open and honest and clear? And reality check with this one is, this doesn't mean not fighting. This doesn't mean not having conversation. This doesn't mean not having conflict, because you cause more problems by avoiding things. And so, you know, it's. It's a big deal. And so to this point, I know this in some ways sounds obvious, but literally last week had a client on a mastermind who was telling me a story of how her ex was trying to reconnect. And she said, you know what, Gary? Honestly, I'm feeling a little lonely, and I'm considering it. I said, okay, well, you know what? What led to the initial reason that you guys split up? And she said, well, he was dishonest all the time. I never knew if I could trust him, and he was cheating on me. And I was like, okay. And then her next question, before I could say anything else, was, should I bring that up, or should I just not discuss that at all with him? I was like. Like so many of these. And then. So then we went through these questions, and we kind of, like, worked through it, but it's like, this is something that people try to do, right? You try to just kind of sweep things under the rug, so to speak. And, like, that's gonna leave it all harmonious, and that's gonna make things. And I can just promise everybody listening to this that it does the exact opposite. It makes things worse. And if. Maybe not right this moment, but definitely eventually.

Gary, I talked to the same client.

Did you?

I'm pretty sure it was the same client. And it was after you spoke to her, and she was looking for different advice.

Yeah, that happens.

And I think, look we see that situation a lot and it's easy when we're looking at that from an external perspective, like, how could someone want to get back with someone? But it goes back to the beginning of this whole conversation, which is why we had to have this whole long intro to this conversation, which is, you know, why am I like even considering this? Like, why am I really considering this? Taking a really hard look. And luckily, like with all of our clients, like so much of what we need to do is just remind them and of the situation because we're so emotionally invested in these moments and we're seeking answers to our questions that we're trying to ask that we want, we want a different answer. I've been there where you're just like, please give me a different answer. Someone who's got expertise. And I just want to remind everyone because it's one of the situations when you're in it. It's really hard to see through the fog of love. It's so, so hard. And so hopefully this can be a reminder to all of you. And if you want more support on that, that's, that's exactly what we do. Most of what we do is just strong reminders to stay the course. Stay the course.

I also think it's important for people to realize they do have the wisdom within them. It's just how to access it. And that's where this fifth question is. Using your own wisdom, but in a way that helps you gain perspective, which is this. The fifth question is knowing what you know. If your best friend was in a similar position, what would you suggest that they do? Uh huh, Right. And so your friend is trying to go back to a former partner who cheated on them. That was never honest. What are you going to tell them to do? And you are going to tell them 100 out of 100 times. Go, get out. Do not take them back. And so if you know you're gonna give that kind of advice to a best friend, what makes you the exception? What makes you a special case that that shouldn't take the same really good advice you just would give to a best friend, why wouldn't you take your own advice in this situation?

It's, it's the best. Using different framing like that to ask yourself questions is so powerful. Or the one we, we always recommend is like, what would your 90 year old self tell you in this situation to do? Because you know, when you're older, you know, you have just a different perspective on life. You're like, oh, that stuff doesn't matter. That's stupid. That guy is not gonna be a part of her life. He's not, he's not gonna be sitting at this rocking chair next to me, looking over at the lake, thinking about all my grandkids. Like, that's not, it's just a different framing, a different perspective, a different lens to put on the question. I use that a lot for myself whenever I feel stressed. I'm always thinking to myself, myself, I'm like, what would my, what my best friend advise me to do? What would the CEO of a major company advise me to do in this moment? If it's like a business question I have, or, you know, if it's a personal question, like, what would be my, like, most sage friend? Like, the one who's got a lot of wisdom? What would that, what would that person advise me to do? And suddenly you got all the answers, you know?

Yeah.

The hard part is staying accountable to it.

Yeah. I mean, like, when in doubt, zoom out and, you know, gain a broader perspective. And that's what, you know. Hopefully those five questions really help you all do that. And so those five questions are all aimed at answering the number one question that we asked in this pocket. Should you take him back? And if you've come and follow along, you kind of know where we're going with this. The final verdict for most people. And I'm ballparking these percentages, but I'm comfortable with saying this 90, 95% of the time, the right decision is to absolutely let him go.

Hell no. Hell no. Let him go. Bye, buddy.

We do not need this.

And you're gonna miss the, you're gonna miss these abs, but you'll be okay. I promise you.

Yeah, you can let the naked cowboy go. There are better things waiting for you. And I think it's important, though, you know, before you think you're the 5% exception, where it's like, no, no, no, this is gonna work for me. Remember what we talked about? Wishful thinking, right? Like, we, we talk about that a lot, is like, is it real? Are you really the exception? And chances are you're probably not. And I would just also throw in the research piece here, which is we know from the research that giving relationships a second chance, you know, what it does prolongs misery. It doesn't actually result in people getting back together, happily ever after. We also know that on again, off again, relationships are twice as likely to experience physical abuse. Like, that's, I, I, I think that's so big in terms of how these things can possibly Go. And what it comes down to is the relationship ended in the first place probably for a good reason. And so let's. Let's embrace that reason. Um, I would also. One last thing I want to say is we keep talking about letting him go. I would rather us use the term leaving him behind because it's a little bit. It's more empowering. And I think it's. Sometimes language really helps shape the way that we think. And so it's not that I'm gonna let him go. I'm gonna leave him behind because that leaving him behind shows that I'm moving forward and he's in my past. And I think there's just. I don't know, like, it's a little weird, but to think of the language of that, but it just forms the right mental picture of like, bye, see you later.

Rear view mirror, baby. Moving on, moving forward. So I'm with you, Gary. I love that. I love that framing. And this is. This goes to show the power of community. This goes to show power of having your tribe. And that's exactly what we do with all of our clients, is if you feel less lonely, you have a great community that you can always lean on, then suddenly you're going to be far less likely to make these bad decisions to get that short term fill of, of just connection, because that's what we offer. That's exactly what we do with our clients. So, Gary, this was a fantastic one. I really appreciate it. Thanks so much. I hope you all enjoy it.

All right, thanks, Adam.

All right. Thank you so much for being a part of the Love Strategies community. By getting to the end of the podcast, you have proven that you are a high value woman who deserves a long lasting relationship, and we would love to help you get there. So what I recommend you do is go to loveapply.com and you can claim a free love strategy session where someone on my team is going to get on a call with you on a zoom session, be able to understand your challenges and see whether or not we can help you make that a reality this year. So head on over to loveapply.com apply for that free love strategy session, and we cannot wait to help you attract that man you truly deserve. All right, thanks for being here.