https://www.listennotes.com/e/e7a923f1b47a47a498c219925a365936

Hi everybody, welcome to the Love Strategies Podcast. So glad you decided to spend a little bit of your day here with us. I'm your host, Dr. Gary Lewandowski, Chief Love Scientist here at Love Strategies, and here today, backed by popular demand, we've got for the first time ever in Love Strategies Podcast History, a return guest.

Deb, welcome back. Thank you, Gary.

Happy to be here. As you likely know if you listen to this podcast, we had Deb back. I want to say it was the very end of January of 2025, our first ever interview, first time ever. And it's like, I don't know, as a podcast host, if you're allowed to have favorite episodes, but I do. And it was one of my favorite episodes I've ever done, which I feel bad because Adam's not on it, but still fantastic, like such a good time. And I said to Adam after Deb, you and I recorded on like this episode, is fire. It is such a good episode. And so that episode, if you want to go back and review, if you somehow missed it, it was called, amazingly, the Year of Deb. And I will say the reception to that episode was off the charts. So many of our listeners just resonated with your story of resilience, your tips, your wisdoms, your insights. I now hear clients in our community talk about their year of whatever their name is. Some people have truncated it to a month of, which I think is also fantastic. But it's just like this has become part of what clients talk about on a regular basis. And I just think it's just a wonderful gift to share with the world. And so we're here to do a little bit more of that.

Excellent. Looking forward to it.

So, you know, I will also say that that episode did something that I didn't know if we were going to be able to pull off, but we absolutely did, which is to kind of give our podcast listeners a glimpse of what it's like in our mastermind sessions now. So our mastermind sessions that we have in our program, it's a mix of all of our clients. So it's clients who literally have just started that day to people who have been in for several months. And so what you really get the benefit of as a new client is learning from other women in the program who were exactly where you were a few months ago, who've traveled your path. And it's just such a nice context to have this authentic support group who really embrace and accept your journey and don't judge you. Because I think a lot of times you hear from clients all the time that, you know, it can be tough with family and friends to get Tips about dating without feeling a little bit judged. I also think the other benefit of it all is dating's tough and it's just a whole lot tougher if you're trying to do it all by yourself. And so one of the benefits of the mastermind is you get to hear from everybody else and you get to be in these things that we used to have like a really like a proper name for it. We used to the post live community support session, which the breakout room. Yeah, the breakout rooms, which you guys all now just call the after party, which is such a better name. And one of the things that happens in the after party is clients like Deb really stay on in the program just to be mentors, right? And it's a way to give back, help each other out, give some guidance, share the wisdom, and help get that little extra dose of accountability. And it's something I talked about on a recent mastermind is something known as the protege effect where you really start learning things better when you try to teach it. And so you not only learn more, but then everyone else in the program learns from your teachings. And so one of the comments we got from the very first episode that we did with you, Deb, was, Wow, Deb is really good at this. She's clearly a teacher. So you're a teacher?

Yeah, kinda. 34 years.

Well, it comes across, right? It's just like you have that knack for explaining things in a really clear, concise way. which is one of the things we're going to get to today. So today we're going to discuss a few things that we had planned on talking about the first time, but we were having such a good time, we ran out of time. So it was a perfect excuse to bring you back for more Deb. And so we're going to talk about three things. We're going to talk about your black book, which isn't exactly what it sounds like, but it's super, super useful. We're going to talk about what I call debisms, which when we're on these masterminds, Deb has these little sayings that she'll throw out to clients and are always like, They just light up because it's such the perfect thing to say. And so we're going to share a couple of those, and then we're going to talk about the importance of staying still. So that's the lineup. You excited? You pumped? Ready to go?

Very excited. Been thinking about it all weekend. All right.

So before we get to all that stuff, can you give us the 60-second overview of your story? Beginning to end, kind of where you're at now?

Okay. So although I was married twice, I was a single mother for every year that I had children. I had husbands that did not support. I learned through this program that was 'cause I was exhibiting way too much masculine energy and I attracted men who were looking for a mom. And as many people said, I have that teacher quality, which is also a mom quality. And, you know, it all tracks, everything tracks. Fast forward, big breakup after four years with a guy cheating the whole shebang argument with my father, don't talk to him. Then my dog died and it was just like trifecta. It was a bad day, a bad week. It was all in one week in July.

Oh, wow.

So I joined Love Strategies because I was flicking through probably Instagram and saw Adam, I'm like, oh, this seems pretty cool. So I called for the one program and they got me into the whole program. And then since then I've been on a learning journey and I've had, I went a long time without dating any one person. I dated, you know, I went on this date, not for me, this date, not for me. And it wasn't just not for me because of looks. I definitely chose guys that were not my type because I figure my type doesn't work for me. And ended up, you know, having a practice relationship about a year or so ago. And I learned a lot. Nice guy, not my guy. And it led to the year of Deb, where I have completely focused on my growth as a human being. Adam and Gary both say it all the time, you attract who you are. So if you're attracting people who are annoying, you could probably figure you're annoying. And that's exactly what I was doing.

To be fair, we never called you annoying, but yes.

No one ever called me annoying except me. But I became a better human being, a more patient and tolerant person. And I became very methodical and completely intentional about my dating. And I don't suffer any fools, as they say. And the work paid off because I met an amazing man.

Awesome. Well, I love that. Thank you so much for the little recap. There's something in there that you said that's a really nice segue to the first thing we're going to talk about, which is you said about approaching all this in a very methodical and intentional way. And so, I've heard you talk about this on masterminds, and I know that you've done this, but this is your little black book, which as I previewed is not the traditional little black book. So can you describe a little bit about what your post date debrief notebook? That's my nerdy term for it. I know that's not great, but what would you what would you call it?

I call it the Little Black Book.

Okay. All right, perfect.

Because it sounds, you know, and I am not racy. So it kind of is that, you know, contradictory thing.

Right?

I like it.

I wanted to make sure that I was assessing each date appropriately based on my love vision.

And what's a love?

The love vision is essentially what I'm really looking for in a partner. And oddly enough, it's not just for a romantic partner. It's for my friends, too. I'm looking for a lot of those qualities in all the people that are in my circle, because the more I have that with me, the more comfortable I can be and the more me I can be. And the more authentic I am, the better I am, and the better likely I am to attract people who are.

Like-Minded so it's, you know, your love vision. Just to kind of summarize a little bit, it's kind of a description of the person that you feel most yourself around.

Yes. Yes. Someone I can trust. I can totally be myself. I don't have to worry if they see me with, you know, sticks in my hair from gardening or dirt on my face or ponytail or hung over or whatever it might be.

Sticks in the hair, hung over, anything in between. Perfect.

All in between. And then also appreciates when I clean up because I clean up pretty well.

Nice. And then, so how do you use the love vision as it applies to your little black book?

All right. So let's say I'm on a dating site and there's come Johnny sends me a like. I check out Johnny's profile. I look at one picture, the main one, and then I look at his information. And all right, that seems cool. So I like him back. I might even write a message that relates to that information that he presented. Oh, so you like to play pool? Are you in a league? You know? Or, oh, you golf? Are you in a men's club? Something like that.

So now can I interject and ask, when you're messaging, you're deciding to message these guys back, do they have to be perfect?

No, in fact, most of them, their pictures are horrible because men are not good at that.

Right, right. They really are not.

I will tell you the guy I'm dating, he's going to listen to this too. His pictures on his dating profile went, eh.

Yeah.

And, but his profile was beautiful.

Right. Well, you know, and then I met.

Him and I'm like, my gosh, you're way better looking than those pictures you've got.

Right. well, and in his defense, he's in really good company because most guys, their pictures just aren't great. And so it really speaks to the importance of, you know, how you describe your way of looking at a profile is perfect, right? It's you look at one picture and then you really dive into the written information because that is what actually really matters. And it's not how most people look at profiles. They picture, picture, picture, picture, picture, picture. And then they look at the other stuff and it's in many ways counterproductive because the pictures aren't telling the full story.

So one thing you'll hear a lot on the podcast is us mentioning the seven little love steps. These are seven powerful yet simple steps that you can take in your love life to attract that man that lasts for the rest of your life. So if you don't know the seven little love steps, then I have a free training for you.

Completely free.

Just head on over to thelovesteps.com, you can go through that virtual training. I think you're gonna really enjoy it and get a lot out of it and understand our exact framework for attracting that relationship you truly deserve. Again, that's thelovesteps.com, all right, back to the pod.

Well, the picture does have a place. Sometimes you get a big next just from the picture.

Sure.

Regardless of the profile because this is just someone who claims to be a certain age and you know they're not that age and it could be older or younger. Or who just, you know, is you can just tell you could never see yourself in a picture with that person. So that's kind of my photo thing. Can I see myself in a picture with this person? Because photography is important to me. I love taking photos and that's a thing. So, you know, once I get to that, if they write me back, We'll chat back and forth. Once we decide on a date, they get a page in the black notebook. It's a small notebook, like a three subject, those little ones we had for classes. Never the one for the science class, because those always had to be the five and the full size.

Way too big.

It's the small size notebook. I write their name on the page. I write their age. I write whatever I found in their profile that was interesting to me. and I write the day that we started talking.

Okay.

When I first wrote to them, just so I get a sense, because if I don't meet you within two to three weeks, barring any major issue, like you got the flu or pneumonia or covet or whatever, if I haven't met you in two to three weeks, either you're not that interested or you don't have time to date. And both of them are contrary to my love vision, so they would be. Next.

I love it.

Right. And that's actually really smart because it saves you a lot of unnecessarily wasted time with guys. I mean, there's frankly a lot of people on dating sites who aren't really totally sure they want to date or have time or make it a priority. And it's, if that's how they want to be, that's fine. It just means that they're, like you said earlier, like they might be a nice guy, but they're just not your guy. Which is exactly the right way to think about it too.

So this Johnny gets his page. And at the same time, I've looked at other profiles and maybe I've liked them and written them a little message or whatever. So when. When we get to the point of going out on a date, I like to meet somewhere neutral. I make sure that I have something to do afterwards so that I can keep it to two hours. Most of the time I do that. Sometimes I don't. and then I, you know, I, I, after the date, I don't write anything. I come home from the date and always respond. Thank you so much. I had a lovely time getting to know you, the end. And then they say, yeah, let's do it again. And if I really think I would like to, sounds great. If they did something that was completely off my list, like, you know, inappropriate touching or conversation topic, or they Left me feeling the ick or just uncomfortable. I say, you know, that's a lovely idea, but I'm not really sure we're right together.

Good.

So I always try and, you know, don't go away mad. Just go away. Oh, that's a debism. I slipped that.

We're jumping ahead to a debism just like that.

Which I think right in.

I do think though, you know, sometimes I know new clients will hear that kind of thing and think, oh gosh, You're being so mean, like you're so mean in these guys. And it's the thing that Adam and I remind clients of all the time is like, you're not gonna break men. You're not gonna break them. You're not gonna really even hurt their feelings. This is part of the deal. And actually it's the gift. Like I call it the gift of goodbye. It's like you're freeing him up to not spend any more time, emotional energy even, thinking about this. And now you're freeing him up to go find his person. Because if you know you're not it, Free the man. Like, let him go. Like, and I think that's, there's a kindness.

It's way meaner to go out on another date with someone you know you have no interest in. Right. Or what am I practicing? That's kind of disrespectful to the guy.

Right.

Yeah.

As long as, you know, you can keep going out with guys as long as you think there's a chance and, you know, you're getting to know them, that's great. But if, if you know for sure they're, you know, as we say, like a complete hell no, Then, you know, just be, you know, an adult and tell them. I mean, people appreciate clarity and honesty. They really do.

That is the hardest part though, because I'll say things like, you know, you really seem like a very nice gentleman, but I just don't see the connection for us. And sometimes they've said things like, well, just give me one more chance. I was nervous. You know what? I will. If you feel that strongly that we could be a connect and it could have just been a bad first date, Yeah, I'll go out again.

I like that.

And then on that second date, I'm assessing, you know, was I quick to judge? And people always say judging like it's a bad thing. We have to judge because we're making a choice about the number one person that's, you know, the person who's going to be a part of our life.

Right.

Our partner.

It's really just semantics. I mean, judging assessing.

And I'm not judging them as right or wrong. I'm judging them as for me or not for me.

Yeah.

And I think that's what it is. It's an assessment of for me or not for me. And you can be an amazing, amazing person. You're just not for me.

Exactly. That's fine. I practiced this guy last year.

So, you know, I want to you mentioned something in there about how you don't write in the book when you first get back. And I'm wondering why that is.

Because every time I go out, I have a good time. And that's because I've learned through this program and self growth to be outcome independent. Meaning, if I'm going bowling and the person wants to throw a hissy fit because he didn't get the strike he thought he should have gotten, I'm still having good time kicking his butt.

Deb, that example sounded really specific. That's weird. Did that happen?

I will say that the gentleman I'm dating, one of our early dates was bowling. I did kick his butt and he said, Don't you dare let me win. And I was like, okay. He goes, no, don't play, don't do easy on me. I know you're on a league. Don't you dare let me win. Nothing's more emasculating than someone letting me you win. I said, okay. And I kicked his butt two out of three games. But the third game, he got his arm back. He was like, ah, it was just a little muscle memory. I haven't bowled in 30 years. Now he's, like, throwing them, like, crushing those pins. But, yeah, it was nice. So that's how I knew he was. He made it through another test, so to speak. It's not. I don't want to call it a test, but you know what I mean? Another level of assessment is this person for me. He handled it like a pro when I did win. you know, just, he was just very genuine and humble. And he's like, it's okay. I'm getting better, you know, eating, which.

I think is, which I think is so important. Right. Because those qualities that he exhibited from going bowling, you cannot pick that up from an online dating profile. You just can't. And it's, I think sometimes because there's so much information on online dating profiles, it's almost a false sense of security in terms of how much we think we know about somebody because you just read a bunch about them. But it's like the person on the page or on the screen is very different than the person at the bowling alley, right? And so that person at the bowling alley and how they react in those situations, those are the dynamics that go into long-term relationship success and it's stuff that doesn't come across. And so, you know, this is why we are so insistent on, like, meet people in person as soon as you possibly can. Like, don't, try to have a whole relationship with somebody online. Like that's not the way to go.

Yeah.

So online is really just the way to get offline.

Right.

You're not dating while you're online. You're getting to know someone to determine if you want to date them. That's why I have my 2 to 3 week rule.

Yeah.

And I generally prefer for it to be less than that. But I'm not going to suggest it if they are not getting on with the program, then they might not be ready to date. So. And that's okay. That's not a problem. It was nice to know you, but I'm going to keep it moving. And it's easy to keep it moving and to be outcome independent when you have more than a few people that you have initiated contact with, which is the only time you initiate is when you're on the dating site. And I think that's really important because men are, they're, they're doing a lot and they don't have training and they're nervous that we're going to say no. and so, you know, just kind of, hey, you know, I'm gonna. I like bowling. Have you ever gone bowling? And then if he writes back, I haven't bowled in 30 years. It's a fun thing to do. And then stop and then let him pick it up. So I. I try not to get into anything deep in those conversations. Just surface stuff. And then, you know, when we meet, you know, as you guys always say, They're not real until you meet in person. They're just a stranger on the internet.

Exactly right. Yeah, no emotional connection before you meet people in real life. Saves a lot of trouble if you really stick to that rule.

Now, some people in our program have been having long conversations with people for months and months and months, or they lived really far away, so they could only do that. They got all caught into it. And then when they met, they were like, wait, you don't look like your pictures. Right. What a head banger that is. That is not good.

Yeah.

And, you know, it's just some people don't present physically the way they present online or even just in terms of conversational style.

Right.

It's just people are different. And so, you know, whether it's texting to video to phone to in person, People have different styles of communication and the one that matters the most because you're gonna have your relationship in real life is how are they in real life? And so if that's the most important piece, let's skip to the most important stuff as soon as we possibly can. So now after you go on dates with these guys, is there anything else you put in your book to help you kind of move them forward?

So then the next day after the date, I'll go into their page in my book and I write what we did, and observations. You know, as a teacher, we are taught to observe changes in behavior.

Do you have like a star chart too? Is this where you tell me you have a star chart for these guys?

I don't, I don't. But I feel like if I did, there's only one that would get a star and I'm dating him.

So.

Good, good. It's a really smart answer, Deb. I like that.

So, you know, like you write down the qualities like, oh, he's humble. oh, he can handle winning or losing. He's not a sore loser. And when he won, he wasn't a sore winner. And every time I bowled a strike or a spare, he was there to give me a high five. And then he's like, I think you're tricking me. I think you try, you know, you knew, you know, whatever. I was playing him or whatever, you know, so it was, it just tells you those qualities. And in other cases, I had been on a date with someone else, and when I played skee-ball with him, which is probably one of my favorite games. And I kicked his butt. He threw like a little tantrum. I'm like, dude, I'm 55, you're 62, and you're going to act like you're two, six or two. I'm like, if I feel like it's work, because I work with elementary kids, six K through six, if I feel like I'm at work, it's probably not the right guy.

Yeah, and again, things that you're only gonna figure out by just spending some time with people and just going out doing things and seeing how people actually act is so much more important than listening only to their words. It's all about the actions.

And then as you get to know them, you learn more about their true personality as opposed to the personality they think they are. And that's a big problem. People say he lied on the internet. No, he didn't. That's what he thinks he is. He just doesn't know. Maybe he did lie. Let's try and look more positively. Did you really know who you were? No, I didn't. And so, ladies, look at yourself. Do you really know who you are? I mean, we all think we do, but do that work. Dig deep. Figure it out. Do the questions that are in the program, the 36 questions to know yourself and really know you. And at that point, you can really write a good profile because you're real, like so real. And that's really what's most important is that we are real.

Oh my gosh, I love that. Like, I just love the benevolent, generous interpretation of, you know, are they lying? I don't know. They're probably not lying. They just probably don't know themselves well enough. And what they're putting down is who they think they are or hope they're going to be. And I think that is, Right. And which, I don't know, then it's not, I don't know, it's just such a nicer way to look at the world, whether it's true or not, it's just a better way to look at the world than being cynical of like, all these people are lying and it just, I think it's something we talk about in the program all the time is just like how to stay positive through the experience. And that is such a good example of not letting the negativity creep in and staying positive in a way that's going to be beneficial to you and to them.

Correct. And realistically, it doesn't hurt to be kind. It really doesn't. And so many people don't get that. And it doesn't hurt to give someone the benefit of the doubt. What's the worst you do? You go on a second date and it still is awful. Oh, well, next. And it's really a gift to say, I really enjoy my time. We had a good time. I'm just not feeling the connection and I don't want to waste your time. And if you say it in such a generous way, They're not gonna be mad and they're gonna try and stay your friend and you're gonna be polite to them for a little while until they kind of fades and it will fade when they realize they're not gonna get you in a romantic way. They don't really want you as a friend. They wanna say it's your friend so that they can build the friendship and hopefully end up in a relationship.

And that's 100%.

And that's okay. That's sweet. You know, he's still giving it his all. That's awesome. Great job. Double thumbs up for you, buddy. But it's not going to change anything for me.

No, and that's smart, right? I mean, we say to clients all the time, it's like, don't collect a bunch of male friends, right? These guys that you date and it doesn't work out, like you're also nice and caring and you care about other people's feelings, which is fantastic. But keeping him around as a friend, like you just said, he's not actually really interested in being a friend. He's just waiting longer to hopefully convince you that you should be more than friends. And it's like, it's just, it's not how anybody should really spend their time.

We also had one of the masterminds we talked about, you know, can men and women be friends? And yes, under very specific circumstances, but 90% of the time, if not more, they want to date you or at least be with you.

Yeah, they're at least kind of hoping they're kind of holding out.

They're looking at you like, like lunch.

Okay. It's like, you know, I always say it's like a lot of times they're just waiting around, like, you know, will she lower her standards and consider me later? And that's a lot of it, too. So anything else in the black book that goes in there that- oh, but.

You just brought up a debism.

Okay, so let's move a perfect segue then. What's the debism we got for this?

So when X's come back, and they always do, They always do because they realize what a great person they lost. So one of the things, Hey, what's up? My standards, bye.

I like it. And this is it's so true. It's like if you are dating in a authentic, kind, generous way, right? And you're being clear with people and doing a good job communicating. they will come back because so few people are dating in this way that it'll be something that sticks out in their mind, like, oh my gosh, let me go see how she's doing. And they'll come back around as we talked about, you know, it's particularly between Thanksgiving and New Year's, like it's prime time for people coming back. But it's important to be clear about why they're coming back and what's changed, which is often not much. And so they're really just checking to see if you've lowered your standards. And so being clear that you haven't is smart.

The best part about this program is when an ex does come back and you're feeling that little heart tug because you maybe weren't fully over them and recovered from the breakup, this program has a separate module, Heal youl Heart. And at the end of it, it's, do I take him back and the methods to do that? or do I wish him well? And, that's another debasism. I never wish them the best cuz they had it and they blew it. I can only wish them well.

And so what I like about that, what I like about that debasism is it focuses on something we, we think is extremely important, something we talk about a lot is just this idea of confidence, right? It's like never forget that you're the prize, never forget that you are amazing, you're building an amazing life. And it's like, does this guy get the opportunity to share in your amazing life? and not everybody earns the right to share in your amazing life. And that's, that's okay.

That is okay. I mean, I have family members who are not a part of my amazing life.

Right.

Well, and it's, it goes back to something that's so obvious that it doesn't seem like it needs to be said, but it always seems like it's a useful reminder, which is your number one relationship that you're gonna have your whole entire life is with yourself. and so you've got to stay true and protect your emotional energy, protect, you know, everything that's positive in your life. And if other people are constantly a source of stress and bringing you down and just not being a positive contributor to your overall well-being then addition by subtraction.

Sometimes that's a gary-ism.

I have a couple isms. I have a couple.

So one of my favorite things in my love vision is I feel calm when I'm around him. And that's kind of what I share with the ladies on the after party. And when I text and chat with them outside of love strategies, I'll say things like, but how do you feel when you're with them? Oh, I'm so excited in this and that. I go, okay, so excited is not the goal. I want to be calm. now, of course, you want to be excited and have fun. I'm not saying don't have a blast, but do you feel like you can calmly be your, you know, fly your freak flag and be the crazy version of you that you are? Can you do that? Because if you can, then you found your guy. And you're not going to know that in three dates. So, no, don't have him over and cook him dinner on the third date. And no, don't go to his house on the fourth date. And no, don't go to each other's houses until you are exclusive, because we all know what that means.

Yeah, it's a little implicit invitation for a little something more for sure.

And guys are getting misinformation on the internet. A lot of them think that third date means sex. Right. And so women are having a difficult time navigating that because they're like, so do I know them well enough? Why are you asking me? Do you?

Right.

They don't. If you're asking me, you clearly don't know. Really, it's different for every person. But you have to be really strong in your convictions that, and I believe you refer to it as walking power. If this person crosses a boundary or, you know, a hard core boundary that I feel really strong about, I have the ability to give them the gift of goodbye and walk away.

Yeah, and I think, you know, guys in the three date thing, some of a lot of it's wishful thinking. And sure, you know, there's definitely stuff out there that's, telling guys like that this is a general expectation. And that's why it's so important for women to realize that sometimes guys are just trying to get through three dates as fast as possible. And why we suggest spacing things out, you know, one date a week. Because there are guys who will go out with you on a Thursday, have an amazing time and they're trying to see you Friday and Saturday to get to the third date as soon as possible. And it's, let's not fall for that.

You can't know them. You can't know them.

Yeah, exactly, right? You don't know them in any meaningful way.

And so, you don't even know if the antibiotic worked yet at that, like 10 days before you know that the antibiotic worked.

Right.

And you're gonna know a guy in three days. These are way more complicated than penicillin.

Yeah, right. And it's like, you know, if you're trying to date long term, you're looking for a long term meaningful and fulfilling relationship, you're just not gonna figure that out that fast. If you're looking for something short term that's amazing, feels really great, you know, burns bright but burns right out. Like, I mean, that's, that's usually not what our clients are looking for. And so it's important to kind of know what you're looking for. So I'm looking through the list of our debisms that we have some notes on, and there's one that I, I love. And so it says, the right guy doesn't look or feel like the men from my past. It's borderline uncomfortable to feel this calm and relaxed. No drama. So what does that mean?

So in the past, I dated people who were love bombers, you know, the ones who are constantly FaceTiming you or calling you or, you know, just getting, trying to get into your daily life and make themselves important in your life without any basis. I call it unearned confidence or unearned place in my life. And they'll send you flowers and bombard you with, you're so beautiful. beautiful and whatever.

And.

That is what seemed familiar. So that was comfortable. And the gentleman I'm dating now, I actually asked him at one point, I think we were together three or four months, and I said, do you even think I'm pretty? And he said, of course.

He's like, wait, what?

He's like, is that a trick question? I'm like, you just. You never commented my appearance. He goes, I need to fix that because he wasn't looking at me as, oh, she's gorgeous, she's hot, she is nice, whatever. You know, he's. He goes, I love your hair. I'm like, that's an unusual thing. He goes, you have a great smile. Okay, thanks. Yeah. But it was all. It's all me that he was attracted to. He was attracted to Deb, who, 50 years from now, God bless me. At 106, 106 years old, I will still be that gorgeous woman that he met because it's not my outside appearance.

Right. Yeah.

And if previous relationships weren't based on your character, your personality, who you authentically are as a human, it can seem like things are a little bit off. If in this current relationship that is actually, you know, in his, from his perspective, he was doing exactly the right thing.

And from mine he was too. It was just unfamiliar. Yeah. What I mean by it's borderline uncomfortable. I said he must think I'm attractive. I see the way he looks at me, but he's never said anything.

Right.

And the guys who are constantly telling you, you,'re hot, you're beautiful, you know, they're, you do love my, my, I.

Like your guy voice. You're hot, you're beautiful. It's good.

They all sound like Joey Tribbiani. How you doing? I am a Long Islander. Let's clarify, we do talk like that. So the guys who are doing that are really just trying to like rush the gate. They're trying to move things along very quickly. And that's where my original debism came from, where I think I was on with you. And I said, I'm not looking for a bonfire to keep me warm for one night. I'm looking for a wood stove to keep me warm all winter. so slow burn, just one piece at a time, keep the embers burning. And yes, I did see him only one time a week until we were exclusive. And we still see each other one time a week, sometimes twice, because we both have very busy careers and personal lives. But, you know, as, as our personal lives merge, we'll be able to see each other more.

I think this is one of the things like when you're with a good man, right? They're there for the right reasons. They're happy to take it slow because they want to do this the right way as well. I think also those good men can sometimes be reluctant to comment on physical things because they want to be very respectful and, and not accidentally cross a line.

And so very respectful.

Right.

And so it just really underscores the importance of spending the time to really get to know somebody and communicating because if you don't ask and you don't, you're not willing to say something, you can just kind of create a story in your mind about why he's doing this thing. That's completely inaccurate. Right. And so like that communication piece and just kind of asking super important because you end up learning a lot for sure.

Absolutely. I mean, this guy is so respectful that when I was leaving last night and picked up my code. He goes, I could help you with that. And I'm like, it's okay.

So nice.

The door of my car when I'm getting in to drive away. That's great.

But that's what I mean. It's like, you know, like, he's a good man, and that's what we're looking for. So let's do one more debism, and then we'll get to the importance of staying still. So there's one more on here that's about outcome Independence. Can you explain what that is?

Like I said, when I go on a date, I have fun because that's my choice. I choose to be happy. I choose to have fun. Whether the guy has fun or not is not my job, nor is it my concern. My concern is Deb. And now when you're in a relationship, of course you're concerned about your partner, but this is a first date or a second date. Like you're assessing if they match what you're looking for. So outcome independent is, if I text him and say, oh, I had a great time and he doesn't respond, I'm not sitting there staring at my cell phone waiting for a ping or my watch to wait for a buzz or whatever it may be. I'm going about living my amazing life.

Right.

And there have been times where I, you know, I thanked the guy the next day for a great dinner or whatever, and I didn't hear from him. And then, like, two weeks later, I hear from him. Oh, my gosh, life's been so busy, blah, blah, blah. and I respond, sounds like it. Because I don't care. You don't own space in my head until I put you there. And it's my responsibility to protect the space in my head. Nobody lives there rent free. So if they're gonna have no time for me for two or three weeks because they were traveling or whatever, I don't care what you say. I've traveled and I've traveled to Iceland, the UK, Ireland, Sicily. I've been able to communicate with my children and my mother the entire time I was gone.

Yeah, it's all a matter of, you know, what's a priority and what is it?

You have time for what you put first. You always have time for what you put first. So outcome independent is if the guy and I really liked him. We had such a great time. We really hit it off. We have so much in common. and then I don't hear from him. I guess we don't have enough in common. And sometimes guys will say they like the things you like that you posted on your profile because they want you to think they have something in common with you when really they just want to have something in common with you. Wink, wink, wink.

And I think, you know, it's so important to be outcome independent in the sense that no one should rightfully expect for every possible date, relationship, message, everything to 100 work out.

Right.

And so outcome Independence is just like the acknowledgment that not every one of these interactions is going to turn into something. And when they do, they do, and that's great. But when they don't, there's a reason, and that's great, too.

Right.

And so as amazing as this guy can be, if he's not able to make this relationship, getting to know each other a priority, he can still be great. It's just not going to work.

And so, not my guy.

Yeah, right. It's like, and you need two people who want to make a relationship work. You need two people who both feel compatible. And if the other person doesn't feel it, you don't want to be with someone who doesn't feel it. And so the sooner they figure that out, that's great. And it's like, you know, we say all the time, either you find love or you learn. And so to kind of like bring in a little full circle is this is also what the Black Book, the little, you know, after date note taking is about too, is like every single time you go out with somebody, whether it's, it's a love match, the man of your dreams, the one, or just some guy, there's something to be learned there about how you showed up, how he showed up. Oh, I didn't realize that, you know, this aspect about men. I really like this and I like it more than I thought I did before. And then maybe that needs to be part of my love vision too.

Right.

And so there's just always something to be learned through this whole process, which I think is really...

I completely used it to reorganize my love vision. The love vision, although I knew what I wanted, because I thought I knew, it changed so very much. And through the help of my sisters in the program, I tweaked it and made sure that the writing of it was in a positive It's not like I don't want this. No, it's all I want this. I am ready to receive this type of person. Putting things like Post-it notes on my mirror, that this is a really good one. I will never be impressed by the bare minimum again.

I love it.

That's one of my favorites because those guys who I love bombing you with 800 phone calls and texting you all day long and you can barely get your job done because they're, How are you, baby? You know, they call you baby too soon. Baby is really sweet when it's the right guy and it's really ick when it's the wrong guy.

Right. Yeah.

Try to get by with the bare minimum stuff because for enough of their life that's worked with a certain kind of person.

Yes. And that certain kind of person used to be me.

Right.

I love that. And I love how you just said that, right? Used to be.

This is web 3.0 I love it we've surpassed 2.0 the other thing is we we know what we want we have it all set out and a guy might have all those qualities and he still might not be your guy that's okay because outcome independent is it's okay I have a great life I have great friends I have kids I have my home I have Fun hobbies, I read a lot of books. You know, I'm planning to learn pickleball. I'm signing up for a summer run series. I have a lot of things in my life. I'm a busy lady, and this is what my guy tells me all the time. Okay, busy lady, when do you have time for me this week?

But this is the way to do it, right? Instead of being this mistaken notion of, you know, you need to find somebody to complete you, is as you've heard me say many times, It's just complete garbage.

It's just already complete.

Right. And that's the thing is like, it's not single and I need to someone to make my life complete. It's like, no, no, I have a pretty amazing life. I'm looking for someone to share that with. I'm looking for someone to share that with is not only going to help me enjoy my life better. I'm gonna help them enjoy life better. And we're gonna both help each other. And, you know, it's gonna be like this synergistic relationship between the two of us where we're both making each to make each other's lives better. It's enhancing. It's not diminishing. It's exactly what we're looking for. And sometimes we just don't have the words for, but that's what we're at.

I wanted someone who could add, not just join in, but add to my amazing life to make it even better. That's cool. And as a teacher, I'm a lifelong learner. So teach me something. I'm happy to learn something new.

Yeah.

All right. So let's finish this off. Our last thing that we said we were going to talk about today is the importance of staying still.

So there have been several times in my life where I had an anxious feeling and I wanted to do something that probably was impulsive. But through this program, I learned the phrase be still. And today I mentioned to Gary that I also saw it in a Bible verse. The Lord said, be still. So it's not just Dr. Gary, it's also God. So those Christian women who say, oh, but you know, okay, God says it too, be still. Just be still. And this is a time when you really focus on yourself, focus on what hobbies do I have that I love to do that are gonna distract me from being worried about this thing that probably is not a problem. And Gary says a lot, don't borrow problems from the future. They're not here yet, don't worry about them. And being a girl's gotta always wanna plan. So that was a hard concept for me to grasp. So instead I plan for all occasions and sit back and be still and let them happen because I already have a way to handle it.

Yeah.

And so I think really, really well explained too. I love that. And so I think one of the classic examples that we see with clients all the time is, oh my gosh, he hasn't texted yet. So I think there's different ways to handle that situation. And I think a lot of it comes down to attachment, as a lot of things often do, where if you're avoidant and he hasn't texted, it's forget it, it's over. I didn't like him anyway. I'll never call.

I'm never going to respond again.

Right, forget it. You cross your arms and get the sour look on your face and forget it. So that's like you kind of run. When things aren't quite going your way, you run away from the problem because you're trying to protect yourself in many ways. The other direction people go is he hasn't texted, so I'm gonna tell him, maybe he's trapped, maybe he got arrested, maybe he needs my help, maybe he needs this, maybe... and you just start double, triple text and just flooding him with all these texts. And so you're just chasing way too hard. It's a very anxiously attached kind of way of approaching these things. assistant< end_header_id >assistant< end_header_id > assistant: and so both of those, the chasing and the running are counterproductive. And so it really comes down to when you're both. Right.

Right. I.

Believe I was for periods of my life. Yeah.

I.

Mean, and, you know, I think we all kind of vacillate between those impulses and it's, it's, sometimes it's context specific, but I think both of those impulses, the running or the chasing ends up making the other person not want to be part of that relationship. one way or the other. And so there is that third option and it's just be still. Like, let's just kind of see what happens. Let's, you know, so he hasn't texted in 24 hours. Cool. Okay.

So.

Let'S example was it was two or three weeks. I wasn't going to text him. I texted him. I had a great time. He didn't respond. Yeah. Okay.

And.

Then when he did three weeks later, because I was still I mean, not entirely still, because I went on other dates, but I was busy. Right.

Yeah.

And.

I think, you know, it's one of the, I think the hardest lesson with to be still is for the folks that are like, but what if I don't do this? What if I don't do that? What if I, what if I, what if I, and I think all those what if I's are ways that you're trying to convince somebody to want to be with you that the prize you're going to get at the end of that isn't actually a prize you want. It's.

In this sense. Right.

Right. Because in some levels, like, wait a second. So you texted him a thousand times and you basically convinced him to not ignore you. Now he's paying attention to you. Well, why? Is it because he actually wants to or because you harassed him enough? And it's like, so it's like that's not the relationship you actually want. And so, you know, you also hear me say a lot volunteers, not hostages. Yeah.

We.

Got to make sure that these guys want to be in these relationships. We're.

Also not here to to repair broken people, right? Yeah.

You're not a rehab center for them. And so it's not your job to do.

All the work. And we're not their mom. We don't need to remind them this, that and the other thing. Oh, well, I just wanted to remind him, blah, blah, blah. Why? Before he knew you, he could remember these things. And if he couldn't, he bared the consequences. That's the kind of person you want, a.

Person who can bear the consequences of their actions. So.

Right.

Yeah.

And.

How you date establishes the rules of the relationship that's going to form. And so you want to be careful about how you date and. Too often you see folks making the mistake of making it just way too easy. They're kind of like dragging the guy into the relationship and through the relationship and that can work for a short period of time. And then at some point you just get tired of dragging. Or.

He gets tired of being dragged. Or he's passive and ends up finding an extracurricular love life. Which has happened to me. So it's important to really just relax, be still, focus on yourself, whether it's reading, meditating, gardening, running, going to the gym, playing pickleball, bowling, whatever it is, do you, boo-boo.

Had.

To make it fun. I.

Love it. Well, Deb, I think what better way to end than that? You do you, boo-boo, I think it was. Was that the quote? that's.

My phone. So.

Any other thoughts, anything else you want to add to finish us off? No.

I think this is great. Awesome.

Well.

That'S been helpful to everyone. I.

Want to just thank you again for all of the time and dedication you have to, you know, you've been on two podcasts now. I know how much you are an asset to the clients and just helping everybody and just kind of being that mentor and your words of wisdom. definitely are helping a lot of people. So hopefully we get to have you back maybe again at some point in the future. All right. Well, thanks, Deb. Really been a pleasure. Thanks.

Everyone. All.

Right. Thank you so much for being a part of the Love Strategies Community. By getting to the end of the podcast, you have proven that you are a high value woman who deserves a long lasting relationship, and we would love to help you get there. So what I recommend you do is go to LoveApply.com and you can claim a free love strategy session where someone on my team is going to get on a call with you on a Zoom session, be able to understand your challenges and see whether or not we can help you make that a reality this year. So head on over to LoveApply.com, apply for that free love strategy session and we cannot wait to help you attract that man you truly deserve. All right, thanks for being here.