https://www.listennotes.com/e/f869ff4820a64051a2f1ef15327f9e4f

I think, you know, ultimately it's about being authentic. Be provocative, be yourself. Use weirdness to your advantage, because it's about attracting the right person, not as many people as possible. And you're going to separate some people out, some people are going to not be interested, and that's a good thing.

Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else, backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. Gary. Today we're going to be talking about the number one way to start attracting more audience, Authentic men. And I think I used to be a lot more authentic on YouTube, Gary, back in the day, because I used to wear. Do you remember this? Do you remember? For those who are listening to the podcast, what am I wearing right now?

Gary, you are wearing a super nice wig.

And I think the success of the channel for many, many years was due to this wig. Do you know how many people have commented about the stupid wig? Fun fact. My dad bought me this wig back in, like, 2011 and was like, you need to wear this in your YouTube videos whenever you're playing the part of a woman. Now that was back in 2011. Things have changed in 2023. So. But let me tell you, this goes along, I think, with today's. And don't worry, I'm gonna take the wig off soon with today's theme, which is all about authenticity attracts quality. Right? Am I. Am I jumping too quickly into it?

No, that. That's. That's 100 it. Quality over quantity.

Quality over quantity, baby.

And for everybody that couldn't see the. The horrifying beauty of that wig, it really makes you look. The best way I can explain what that wig looks like is it makes it look like you just want to speak to the store manager. What? It's like a very Karen looking kind of wig. Like, it's like, I need to speak to somebody.

Like, you just look right now, right now. I'm very mad. Tell me, who is the highest working manager here?

Looks. It's very, very Kate Gosselin inspired, I think.

Oh, God, Kate Gosselin, she was just the worst. I've never worked With. Can I say this now? Yeah. It's been three. I have never coached such a difficult human being in my entire life. You know, and talk about someone who's not authentic as well. All right, this is just. Sounds like I'm trashing someone. I'm not trying to trash someone. But she was not very kind to me, so. No.

And she can say whatever she wants about you on her podcast.

Welcome to Kate. Please, please.

So anyways, so let's topic was not Kate gossip inspired. It was inspired by a client that was asking. So so many people come to us with like dating experience and they start getting into these mindsets or at least patterns of like, I think this is what I need to do to make my love life work. And so what she was bringing to us and what she was talking about was she's getting ready to do online dating. And she's like a super awesome, super energetic. She's adventurous. She likes high energy activities, rock climbing, white water rafting, skydiving. Like she was like, like exports, like just really out there kind of thing. And so she said, I know I'm getting ready online date. I know in my past those kinds of activities would scare guys off, so I'm not going to put those in my profile. And she was, you know, she said that with like a lot of like pride and like insight. Like I know I'm doing the right thing. And this is like, what's so funny to me always about relationships is that what seems like the right thing to do is in fact the wrong thing to do. So she says this. She's like, I'm gonna do this. And so she's like, but my question for you is how long should I wait to share these things about myself.

Share these crazy things about myself that I rock climb that white water raft.

And I'm actually course activities, like how long should I wait? And so I was like, you know, I don't want to know how long. Here's the answer. 00 days? None. You don't wait at all. Don't hide it. Don't hide though. That's who you are. Don't hide those things. You celebrate those things. They're not even like quirky in the tradition. It's not like a wig. It's like that. It's not. Those are just cool activities. Like, those are like your superpower. That's not something to hide. Right. And so it all comes back to this idea. You're not just looking for any guy, you're looking for the right guy for you. And the right guy for you is going to be someone who also enjoys whitewater rafting, crop climbing, diving from the sky. I mean, like, that's going to be the stuff that he likes, too.

Yeah. Authenticity. In order to attract authentic people, you need to be authentic yourself.

Yeah. Give what you want to get.

Yeah, exactly. So why don't we walk through how we can really do this, Gary? Let's walk through this process. Yeah.

And so I think the counterintuitive piece of this is when you're putting yourself out there, you want to be provocative. And provocative in the sense, like the actual definition of provocative is serving or likely to arouse a strong reaction. And so you want to. Whatever you think is going to get a strong reaction. Don't hold that back. I mean, everyone's tendencies. Hold it back and cast the widest. No, no, lead with it. Right, so you have any examples of, like, something like, weird, quirky, like you want to lead, like, something. What's something provocative that you want to lead with?

I mean, if I were going on a date saying that, Yeah, I have a YouTube channel where I wear a woman's wig and give dating advice to women, that might be a little too provoked, a little bit too much of a punch in the. In the gut when you meet someone. But, yeah, look, I mean, being provocative and being comfortable with opinions so long as you truly believe in them, is powerful, you know, and, you know, like, for me, something I've been thinking a lot about, just as another example you're giving me, putting me on the spot here, but something I've been thinking a lot about is, like, consciousness. Okay, I'm going to go down a rabbit hole. And I read a book recently about this concept called panpsychism, where it talks about how basically all of matter is conscious. Okay, this microphone is conscious, this table's conscious. Now it's this much lower level of consciousness than, you know, us as humans, but it's still conscious. That might be something. That would be something I would talk about on a first date. It's weird, it's quirky, it's out there, it's provocative. But I'm going to share it, because that's going to get a reaction one of two ways. And by the way, no other guy that she's ever been out with is talking about panpsychism. I can absolutely guarantee that. So don't be afraid to share those more provocative things. Now, there's a rude way of doing this. Things that I would might have be cautious about, might be jumping right into Religion or politics now. But still, if, if that's something you really want to talk about and it's very, very important to you, I wouldn't shy away from it too much on a first date. But just be, don't be unkind because some people can really take that caution. But other things, share it, go for it, be provocative, throw it out there.

And I think the importantly, like authentic guys who are authentic themselves are going to respect that. It's like, oh, this is someone that actually has a real opinion. Like, this is a real person. They're not like this like, you know, vanilla version, this safe version, this honestly kind of boring version of the same woman I've been dating, you know, forever. It's like, oh, this is something a little bit different. And so be provocative. And when we say that, I know there's some of you out there that are thinking like, wait, do I really want that strong of reaction? Like, won't this scare some guys away? And the answer is yes, you want a strong reaction and yes, it's going to scare some guys away.

Yeah.

And that seems like weird advice from two guys who are, you know, our job is to really help people find love. But it's like you want to be scaring some guys away. If you're not scaring guys away, you're doing something wrong. You're too vanilla, you're too basic, honestly. Right. Because you're going to scare the guys away. They're like, so this woman in the whitewater rafting and all these like high energy activities, she puts that out there. Is she going to scare some guys away? Yeah, she's going to scare away the guy who sits in his house all day watching the news, watching sports, doesn't like going outside, is allergic to the sun. Like any of these stuff. She's scaring that guy away. Is that really a problem? Yeah, I mean, that sounds, that sounds perfect.

She sounds awesome. I want to date her. She sounds so cool. I am in. And I think where a lot of this comes from, once I started integrating this into my love life, it was kind of easy for me because I always used to think, you want to make people like you, want people to like you. So do everything you can to get that person to like you. Such as say the same things, agree with everything that they say, and just say things that are generally acceptable to most people. But once I made this shift to being more provocative and being comfortable with it, it was actually very easy for me because my dad always raised me with the saying that it's Better to be weird than to be boring. And for whatever reason, I've always kind of brought that into other areas of my life. And I was, I'm totally fine being weird. I am weird. I think most people are. But with my love life, I end up being very vanilla for a while until I just lean back into this. I'm like, you know what? Screw it. And the moment that you actually bring that type of provocative energy. And again, it doesn't have to be rude, it doesn't have to be negative. It's just accentuating those parts of you and those beliefs that you might have that go against the grain. Bring those out early because it separates you and it's different. Don't be afraid to be provocative. It's like, even with this podcast, Gary, we've been talking about this a little bit lately. Recently, we've gotten two bad reviews. We either have one star reviews or five star reviews, which makes me so proud. I was actually getting nervous when we only had five star reviews. I'm like, these are just the regular fans of love strategies. And then we got some one strat one star reviews. And I'm like, yes, now we're getting there. Because if it's all five star baby, that means you're not really pushing it hard enough. It's time to push it. And I think that's the same thing in your love life. If every guy you go out with, it's like a meh, you know, type thing, or, you know, everyone kind of likes you, but it just doesn't go anywhere. Step it up a notch. Be provocative.

I mean, if you think about what's going on when you're dating, one of the hardest things to deal with and the most frustrating things is it's confusing. You don't really know if somebody likes you or not. You don't really know if you like them. There's a lot of. There's just a ton of ambiguity and uncertainty. But if you actually start putting yourself out there and be provocative to elicit these stronger reactions, it starts clearing things up, right? Like it unmoddies the water. You start getting clarity. And you know what clarity is going to help you with. It's going to save you time. How much time is it if you don't have to spend two or three dates to figure out if this guy really likes you, or more importantly, if you really like that guy, how much faster everything's going to go, right? You can start going through and find, you know, spending more time with the right people instead, instead of Spending time with the wrong people.

Yeah. Hey there, ladies. As you can see, we're just getting this podcast off the ground. And since we don't run any ads, I only have one quick favor to ask in return. Can you just take a quick second right now, pause this episode and just leave us a review Wherever it is that you're listening to, the podcast really help us out a lot, and it really does spread the love, and I think the world needs a little bit more of that. So I appreciate you. Now let's get back to the show. Well, I mean, and at the same token, it's the right. People are going to be more attracted to you than they would be if you were not provocative. Like, creating emotion is the most important thing, whether it's positive or negative. Like going out there and saying something. Yeah, some people might not be into that. Let's say with this woman, this client who's into white water rafting, let's say she goes on a date and she, within a few minutes being on the date, she looks a guy in the eye and goes, hey, just want to tell you I have a really important deal breaker. And he goes, what? I say, if you're not willing to get on the back of a rapid 5 white water rafting raft with me and go down the Colorado river, this date is over. Okay, that's. Now you got to say in a playful way with a smile, so it's not rude. But. But that's a way where you're going to get a guy who's like, oh, this date is going on. Oh, we're going to keep moving forward. I'm into that. That sounds great. Or you're going to get a guy who's like, I don't know about that. That's not my thing. Boom. You've just created an instant separation between the two. And those are the types of things, by the way, I would say on a first date to a woman, be like, hey, just so you know, if you just want to stay indoors, like, every single Sunday and just watch TV all day, like, this ain't happening. That's not. That's not the type of guy you're working with here. Once again, create two categories. And the women who don't want to sit on the couch all day and actually want to do something, they're going to find that even more attractive in that moment. So it's like, push it. Push the boundaries.

Yeah. And here, here's the thing. And this is a warning. And this is. This is like, you know, you talk about one star reviews. And sometimes what people don't like is like, you know, we say things that are a little bit different than some of the standard device that's there. And so one of the warnings that goes along with being provocative and like, kind of leading with this quirkiness is you may get fewer matches in your online data. You may find fewer guys. Like, so when you are using this strategy that we're talking about, you might have a hundred matches. And now by doing this, all of a sudden that hundred is going to drop down to 30. You're going to be like, Adam and Gary, they're dumb. Like, they don't know what the hell they're talking about. I was doing so much better before. And it's like, no, like, we're Talking about quality versus quantity with 30 quality matches is much, much better than a hundred that are like all kind of like all that time you're spending sifting through those to find the ones that are actually good is a ton of wasted time. You get to go on more first dates. This all makes. What we're talking about enhances the efficiency. It's not about the overall numbers, but it's the efficiency of the process. It's about and how you're spending your time. And what you're going to find is you're going to start kind of w and then you're going to get quickly down to the person that, that you're actually looking for.

Yep. I mean, that's, that's in the first week of Love Accelerator, which is our coaching program where we help successful single women get out there and attract love with our proven strategies. The first little plug there. You like that? Like what I just did. The first thing that we do, or one of the first things is we help our clients to develop what I call a unique, concise identity. And it is a short series of sentences that very succinctly defines who you are and what makes you extremely different from everybody. And by the way, everybody can have unique, concise identity. Even if you like to crochet every single day. And, you know, you watch the Bachelorette and you eat Mac and cheese every day for dinner. I don't know, what is it? What are the most basic things? That actually all sounds really good to me.

I'm like, I'm in naming, like, all.

The things Jessica was doing last night. She was crocheting. She wasn't watching the Bachelorette. She's watching some other trash tv. And then we ate Mac and cheese because we, we get these, like, home Chef kits and it wasn't enough food. So like let's make some Mac and cheese. So anyway, she's gonna kill me for that. But even if you're the most basic, you can have a unique, concise identity and, and have that in your online dating profile. Have that when you first meet people for the first time. Be very clear about that and don't be afraid to be provocative when you are meeting people. And if someone asks you like, so tell me about yourself, you can tell someone pretty quickly. Like for me, I'm a motorcycle riding kite surfer guy from Boston who loves to X, Y and Z, who's a dating coach. Right? Provocative. Don't be afraid to share that. Is that going to turn off certain women? Yeah, definitely. Great. Good riddance. You're not for me. That's fine. You're welcome to do your own thing. And then, and so that's a very, very important part of this. We put it in the online dating profile. Talk about this on a first meetup. How does that you're going to position yourself? Because marketing, dating really is marketing. And there's nothing worse than marketing that is not provocative in some way, shape or form that doesn't elicit emotion.

So, and really all you're doing is filtering out all those people who if you had ended up with them, it would have been an unfulfilling relationship. You could have made it work with any of those people that you're filtering out for a week or two or maybe a month or two. But it was never going to be that long term fulfilling relationship you were looking for. And so we're getting rid of that wasted time from the very, very beginning. And you know, we keep talking about being provocative and much of what we do on, on this podcast and what we do in coaching is based on science. And so as the resident science guy, I want to. There is research on this. There's research on something I started calling the quirkiness advantage. And so that the research on this actually comes from a study of OkCupid users. And what they found was that messages that started with that, you know, you see, you can start a message like hi. What they found was the messages that started with Howdy. Howdy were 40% more effective than those that started with hey, so why like, why, why howdy? Well, howdy is unique, it's memorable, it's interesting. And now it gives you something to talk about. Like when someone says howdy, it's like, wait, that like triggers a whole bunch of other ideas about what kind of person they might be. And it's. It's just something not standard. Right. And so now you're maybe you're thinking like, oh, he just said 40% howdy. I'm going to use howdy. Well, like, okay, you want some of that howdy magic. Like, but like, not so fast. Like, you can't just go full howdy if you're not a howdy kind of person. Yeah, right. And so you need to be authentically a howdy kind of person for that to really, really work for you. And so it's not about a magic phrase, it's about what works for you. And like, some people have certain, you know, you might have your own way of starting a message, you might have your own way of ending a message that's. That's kind of unique to you. And it's just about finding that thing and making it work. So, you know, what's the key? So it's not howdy that's actually magical at this. It's. You want to find something that's different, that's kind of new and not standard. Something that, and this is key. This is that, you know, warning piece. Like, whatever you're doing, it's got to appeal to some people, but not everybody. It's got to be the provocative. It's got to kind of put people in two camps. Like, this is yes or no. And it's got to signal clearly what you're about as a person. That's the quirkiness advantage.

Yeah. I don't know why, but, like, one example that came to mind is like, I'm thinking of someone who's like, really earthy, crunchy, and very into like, the universe and like, Buddhism and meditation. Let's say you message someone, you'd be like, I hope you're having a day full of gratitude. Like, like, okay, it's kind of a weird way to start a message. But like, that person is not going to message howdy because there's no alignment with their unique, concise identity. But what they might message is have a blessed day full of gratitude or something. Like, I don't know. I. I'm not that person. So that would be hard for, for me to say. But the types of guys are going to resonate with that. Guess who the types of men that are resonate with that. The dudes who are super into, like, having a day full of blessed energy, gratitude, you know, so pan. Psychism, whatever it is, you know, that's. That's the type of guy that is going to be very connected to that. So quirkiness is. I, I. Quirkiness is synonymous, I think, with weird to an extent. And why did I start this podcast with a wig on my head? I wanted to differentiate this from every other podcast out there that's talking about some type of garbage about how to magnetize your man or whatever stupid crap like that. So don't be. Now, I guarantee if we looked at the analytics of this podcast, there's a strong drop off once that wig came on. But the people who hung out, still listening right now. I love you ladies and, and you are probably creating a more genuine connection with Gary and myself because you're, you're seeing that. And the same is true in dating. The big thing is I think about this way, Think about when you see a politician, a politician on a television show who gets on there and you can tell they have exactly scripted things of what they're going to say. You know, they're not being true to who they are. They're even their body language is like, yes, our legislation, whatever, is going to be X, Y and Z versus someone like, I don't know, Chris Pratt or like a Jennifer Lawrence who will come on, like, I think of a Jennifer Lauren. Chris Pratt's a fun one. He, like, he'll go on a television show and like snort and like laugh and make a joke. He might trip. He'll like, I don't know, spill the water and make a joke. I don't know, I just like, he strikes me as a very authentic guy. And you, every mistake he makes or everything weird he does or everything quirky he talks about makes you like him even more, you know, Like, I think of the time where I went on a date with this girl and I once spilled the water because I was like talking with my hands too much. And, and it's one of those moments where I could be like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. And I did it, like, I don't know, I'm a hand talker.

What do you want from me?

And, and so just owning your quirks and who you are is not only going to make you attract the right type person, but when you do meet that person, you're going to be in much more intensely attractive to that person.

Yeah, this isn't something I actually had thought about originally, but like, what, what you're describing made me think of it is like sometimes we, we create. And I think women do this especially at least, you know, a lot of women. I know. But it's like you try to be so perfect and there's this like, vision of yourself, of like, you have to be perfect at all times. And the weird thing about perfection is it actually creates distance. Because if you actually perceive the other person as being so perfect and so polished, it doesn't seem like somebody who's relatable. Doesn't seem like someone who's human. And so what you were describing with the knocking over the water, there's actually a psychological phenomenon for this called the pratfall effect.

That's why I use Chris Pratt as the example. Now I'm remembering because I teach this in love accelerator. I'm like, there's a reason why I have Chris Pratt as the. And I was like, prattfall effect. Absolutely.

That's so funny. I didn't even make the connection of Chris Pratt and prattfall. But it's like, basically, we like people unrelated.

By the way, everybody. Just so you know, this, this psychological effect has nothing to do with Chris Pratt. Nothing to do with actually that I have to remember it.

But it actually, it makes people more endearing. And that's what this is really all about, is that, you know, if you, you can hide your quirks and be inauthentic and that might attract more people. Like, you might, like, bring more people through the door. But if you really want to attract an authentic guy and you care about quality, being true to yourself is going to attract the right people. And it's like your ideal partner, the person who's that long term fulfilling relationship that you really want, they're gonna find your particular brand of weirdness, your wig wearing weirdness, they're gonna find it endearing, and that's what makes them your person.

Yeah. Wig wearing endearness, wig wearing weirdness. Weirdness. That's it. I was like, I knew it had three W's. I think that that's, that's so great. And the best part of all this being provocative as well as letting your quirks shine, is it makes dating so much easier. It really does. When you don't feel like you have to have this facade, this veneer of perfection, and you can just kind of let it flow a little bit and let it ride. Man, does that make dating a lot more fun because suddenly there's just less pressure. It's like you, you got, you get what you got, and if you don't like it, good riddance, you know? And it's that type of mindset now. It doesn't mean that again, you, you still want to be kind, you still want to bring great body language, great energy. And you want to bring your best energy to a date. But with that said, we don't want to be someone that we're not. And I just think of this professionally, like, for those who are listening, that maybe you're not even dating right now. You can apply this to your professional life. When I started professional speaking, I went to all these courses. I used to speak and lecture at colleges all over the country and on dating and relationships. And I would take these courses, and they'd say, you need to write out every single word that's in your speech, and you need to practice your hand gestures so that every time you deliver a point. And if you're not watching this on YouTube, I'm using my hands to gesture this, then you need to really accentuate it with your, you know, whatever, all this stuff, and practice it so it's perfect. And I remember coming out of those sessions, I'm like, screw that. That's too much work, and that's not who I am. I never gave the same speech twice. And sometimes I once tripped in front of 2000 people. I once. I mean, I used to stand on top of chairs. It was. It was wild. And it's just kind of like, bring that provocative nature. Have fun with it. Be who you are. And I'm not saying I'm the best public speaker in the world. I'm certainly not. But it helped me personally enjoy the process. And, yeah, it helped my public speaking career versus being that speaker that we've all seen who, like, they practice it a million times. But there's no. There's no flair. There's no, like. There's nothing unique about it. It's, like, boring. And, Gary, that's kind of how you do your speaking, right?

This is the advantage of quirkiness, right? Is like, it allows you to be authentic and allows you to be in the moment and connect with the audience however you want to do it. It's so funny because everything you just described about your public speaking. I gave a TED Talk, and it was the exact same thing. Like, they said, write it all out. Practice it. Practice, practice it. You had to submit a script. And when I had submitted a script, when I actually gave my TED Talk, it was not what was on the script, because I just. I don't know, it's just, like, you kind of go with what feels right at the time, and it just allows you to connect and flow, and I don't know, it's just. It's so much more authentic. It's so much less pressure because it's like, if you start thinking there are magical strings of words in your dating life or public spe. Like you're gonna flub it up, like, and then you're gonna just. Oh, it's, it's just gonna bring the whole thing crashing down. And so the, the advantage, be quirky, be authentic, make it your superpower, not a liability.

Yep. Yep. And I used to use this bring. Bringing it back to dating. I. When I used to coach men and how to go out and meet. Meet women and I would teach them how to be more confident, I basically helped the nice guys get out there and attract love. So thank you, all you ladies out there. We weren't trying to like, pick up chicks or anything like that. Trust me, it was helping the good guys out there overcome their fears to approach a woman. And there's, there was so much dating advice out there that was like, here's the five words. The, the five sentence script to getting a girl to like you. And it's all these pickup lines and all that stuff. And I'm telling you, my coaching got to a point where we didn't have any of that stuff. I would, I would prove the point sometimes to be like, look, we're just going to bring our best energy. I would go up to a woman and be like, hey, I just need to say something. I was standing over there and I was looking at you and I was thinking to myself, I am so nervous to go up and talk to this girl. I'm just going to sit here for another 10 more minutes and decide what it is that I'm going to say. And by the way, I couldn't think of anything. So here I am just with a smile and it's like, that's just literally what I was thinking, like, and it's not a line, it's just, I don't know, we were sitting over there, I couldn't think of a single thing to say. So here I am. Now imagine if you were that woman and a guy said that to you. Done with good body language, you probably be like, wow, that's refreshing versus some BS line that you know is scripted, Right? That's nice. You know, And I would tell a woman, hey, I was a little nervous coming up and talked to you, I gotta say. But now that I got to know you, your cake, you know, like, whatever it is, these are all things that, so long as it comes from a place of true authenticity, it's great. And the nice thing is when you actually show up in that way, the only people that are going to like you are also authentic people. That's the.

If you want real relationships, you're gonna. You're gonna have real relationships with real people. And real people are quirky, they're weird. They wear wigs sometimes. I mean, there's. There's just things that people do with it, but that's who they actually are. Oh, gosh. You're gonna put it back on, aren't you?

Yep. Let's. Let's close it out. Gary, give us the. The ending to. To this. What do we think?

I. I think, you know, ultimately, it's about being authentic. Be provocative, be yourself. Use weirdness to your advantage, because it's about attracting the right person, not as many people as possible. And you're gonna separate some people out. Some people are gonna not be interested, and that's a good thing.

As you always say, Gary, your uniqueness isn't a liability, it's a superpower. So get out there, don't wear a wig. It's probably not going to attract a lot of men, but, I mean, unless you need to, that's a different story. I won't go there. And thank you all so much for listening. I hope you enjoyed, and we'll talk to you beautiful ladies next week. Thanks, Gary.

Thank you.

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