Is He Wrong For You? The ONLY Break Up Text You'll Ever Need

All right, so before we get to the podcast, we do not run any ads on this podcast and never will. All we ask in return, if you enjoy the podcast, please give it a review wherever it is that you listen to it. Just tap that bar, give us whatever star you want to give us, and leave that review. We really appreciate it. It helps us out a lot and helps us spread a little love that I think the world needs. All right, let's get to the podcast. Be decisive. When it's over, it's over. Be a little bit cutthroat at times because chances are the vast majority of people listening are not, like, honestly ruthless enough throughout the dating process. Protect you and your energy throughout the process. Be clear, be honest, be decisive, and it's over. Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else. Backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. Okay, ladies, this is going to be an interesting podcast today because we are dedicating an entire podcast on a single text message. But this text message is. It's not just any text message. This is a very empowering text message to set you up for long term success in your love life. Because chances are if you're dating, you're going to meet some guys that are just wrong for you. They're not the right fit, you are not interested in seeing them again. And so we're going to give you a breakup text that you can use that will set you free from these men. And not to say that these are bad guys. Some of them might be really nice guys. They could just be a needy net or they could be a, you know, five foot two guy that you're not interested in. Nothing against five foot two guys, but maybe you're not interested in that. There's just going to be some guys that you're not interested in. And if there's anything I have learned being the CEO of Love Strategies over the past decade, it is that we have a lot of really nice women that are in this community who just really struggle to say no and end things. So that's what we're going to be doing today. What do you think, Gary? This would be a fun one.

I got to tell you, I'm. I'm a little excited because this fits my nerdy need to like, wordsmith things and like crafting this. And then it's not just the words, but there is so much philosophy that goes into everything that we put into this text. There's a why to every piece and there's just, there's a method to the madness, as I like to say. And it solves a huge problem, which is the one you just said. People are too nice. And if you're really going to find your guy, you have to get good at the skill. And it is a skill of saying no, of saying what we say next. You got to move on because no one likes ending things. We don't. We're not naturally good at it. So we're a little bit awkward. And so that's why you need a little bit of skill and practice. And the research shows. Some research from Samantha Joel shows that people have what she calls a progression bias, which is they just keep going with what they're doing. Right. They tend to stay in relationships rather than try and try to make them work versus ending them. It really should be called like an inertia effect. It's like, we're here, we might as well stay here. Like, what else am I going to do? And so a lot of that is we stay because we don't know a good way of how to end it. And so then you stay longer than you should and that's a major waste of time. Like, that's not what you want. That's keeping you from the person that you really belong with. And so we want to solve that problem.

And it's hard. It's hard. I'm telling you. I can think back to one major breakup in my life. I was the breakup er, and she was broken up with. But this means I've led a very good life. And I have, but this was one of the more traumatic days of my life. Like what went down that day, it was very, very hard. And that was obviously much further along in a relationship. It wasn't just a breakup text. This text is going to be much more useful for after a first date, maybe a second, you might send a text. Obviously, as things progress, then we would do a call or if it's committed, exclusive, you would do it in person. But I'm just relating to everyone out there. For me, personally, ending things with people was always very, very difficult. But in order to get that long term goal, which is finding the right person for you. You're gonna have a lot more no's than you are gonna have yeses. If you're working the little love steps and you're meeting lots and lots of people the way we suggest very regularly, you are going to have so many no's, so many nicks, and you're going to have a pretty small number of yeses. So we're gonna just have to get used to it. See, it's just, it's a Darwinian way of dating. Darwinian dating.

Yeah. Well, and the fact that you're saying next and you're saying no means you have standards that you're adhering to maybe for the first time in your entire life, but that you actually are. You've thought about what you're looking for. You know it when you see it and you know it when you don see it. And so when you don't see it, you move on. But the biggest obstacle in all of this is something that's generally not an obstacle, but it's, it's just that you're a nice person. You're a nice person, you care about how other people feel and you don't want to hurt some poor guy's feelings. And so the easiest thing to do to avoid hurting them is to not say anything or say the wrong thing. Now here's something that's super important. I'm going to repeat this twice because it's really that this important. You are not responsible for other people's feelings. I'm repeating again, you are not responsible for other people's feelings. You're going to do the right thing, how he feels about it. He's an adult, it's his responsibility. He's responsible for his own feelings. You're not responsible for his feelings.

Do you know how many times over the past decade I've said the following words? He's going to be okay. Like he's going to be okay. He's a grown ass man. He's going to be okay. And dating in some ways requires us to be actually quite selfish about our own needs and our own long term desires. Right? Like sometimes you're going to have to just hurt people's feelings in order to get what it is that you want. And that's just the reality of dating. The worst thing that we can do is go around and be. And obviously there's a spectrum here. This is not a binary thing. Some people are really good at being cold and ruthless. Some people are really bad at just ending things. And they're way too concerned with everyone else's feelings. So where we want to be is somewhere in the middle. Maintain some good karma, but obviously say next to the wrong guy. So, Gary, let's not leave everyone hanging out. Walk us through the text, and then we're going to break it down line by line.

Yeah. And so like you said earlier, we're portraying this as a text and you can definitely send this as a text. But everything we're saying about this text works as. This is what you do in a conversation as well. Right. It's multipurpose. Right. And so here is the exact text. I'm going to read it to you. I really like getting to know you and enjoyed our time together, but I'm not feeling the type of connection I was hoping for. I wish you the best in finding what you deserve.

Love it. There's nothing magical about this whatsoever, and that's the point. But there are critical, critical pieces that we need to get right when we're doing this. And I think a lot of people are looking for a magical text. This has all the components. So, Gary, I know you have some research behind this text. Want to walk us through here?

Yeah. And so this isn't coming out of nowhere. Right. So this isn't just Adam and Gary, you know, in their diabolical love strategies lab, coming up with, like, word to put together for.

But responsible for all the breakups of the world, break up.

Better with this secret formula. It's not that it's research based. So there was a research paper called Focusing on compassionate Strategies for ending Things. And so they looked at 47 different ways to end things. To leave your lover, so to speak. Right. And this general strategy was it. It's if you can do it in person, you can do it over text as well. If you don't know them, be honest, be clear. Make sure it's clear you don't regret spending time with them. Emphasize the positives. No blame, no trying to fix them. No drama. Honest, Quick, to the point. And like Adam said, the. The exact words aren't magical, but the themes are really important. So we want to teach you about the themes because then you can make the message your own.

And rip that band. Rip that band aid off. Get it done. So for those who are listening, by the end of this podcast, some people, maybe thousands, are going to be sending this text message. Get it done if you got to do it. So let's walk through the first piece, which is number one, they are a good person. Be sure to give them some of Those positive attributes, you can tell them that they're great if you are truthful, if you believe that or that you had a good time, if that is truthful, or everything was good and that there's really nothing that they can do differently, nothing to fix. Like, you see all the good in them, but you still want to be able to move on from this situation. It conveys to them that you think that they're great so that they're less likely to get super defensive in the moment because you know when you're breaking up with someone and they're super defensive, that that can be really hard to handle. Or you don't want them to feel like their self esteem is taking a huge hit by saying essentially you're a great person, but you're just not. My person is a great finite way of ending things in a positive way, in a positive note.

Yeah. Because they should only want to be with somebody who feels like they're your person. Right. Like they want that compatibility. Everybody wants compatibility. So basically you're just saying you're amazing, you're just not amazing for me. And that's okay. So then, you know the meta message there is like, you will be amazing for somebody else and we'll move on. Like, we'll be fine. And so as you're doing this saying that they're a good person, there are some key mistakes to avoid. Number one key mistake to avoid is giving specific reasons why it all didn't work. Yes, yes, they did things wrong. Yes, you probably want to point it out to him, but no, you should not.

Why do you talk with your mouth open full of food? It's spitting out at me. Why does your breath smell like a 10 day old diaper? It's just so bad. You don't have to say all these things. You don't owe it to them. If you've gone out on one date, they're gonna be okay. They can figure out their own stuff. You're not here to solve the world's problems, which is men's terrible breath or the way that they speak, you know, with their food in their mouth or whatever it is. Obviously there's much, probably more, deeper things that are also going on some of these dates where you're like, not for me. It, it's just not necessary to divulge all that information because then what's gonna happen? They're gonna get defensive and then you're gonna have to dive into that and then ultimately you're gonna have a bad experience with this breakup and then you're gonna say, you know what? I'm not dealing with this shit anymore. I don't want to date. I don't want to do this. So keep it clean and, you know, give him the goods, end it and move on. Are you ready to attract that perfect guy in 2024? Well, if so, I have something very special for our podcast listeners. If you go to adore 2024, you're going to get a free training that walks you through the 24 principles to attract that man. 2024. God, I sound like a presidential candidate, but you get the point. Again, head over to adore2024.com and claim your free training. I think you're going to really enjoy that. All right, let's get back to the podcast.

Yeah, it's not the airing of the grievances. This is not Festivus. This is not, you know, one of those things where you've thought about it, you have plenty of reasons, and so you kind of feel like you want to justify your decision. Don't. Because all that justification. We want to be nice. And actually all that justification just comes off as mean. Like, do you want to sit there and have somebody list all the ways that you screwed up? Like, that's not a fun experience. Here's the thing. He's going to ask. He's going to ask, so what did I do wrong? Can't you just tell me? Tell me, tell me, tell me. Do not do it and don't justify it yourself. Well, he asked, so then I felt it was okay to. No, instead, when he asked you, so what was it? Tell me. I need to know. I need to know. You just keep saying it was not anything specific. I really can't explain. I really can't explain it. It's just. It's kind of how I feel. It's not about what you did. It's more about how I'm just feeling. And he'll keep asking, and you just keep repeating those same kinds of things, and eventually he'll get tired and bored of asking.

Yeah. And again, I just want to really lay this in. This is for early on in dating. If you've been with someone for three to five years, it's kind of a different story. Okay. Obviously, obviously. If you're getting a divorce, very different. We're talking about you've gone on a date or maybe a couple, and you realize he's not your person. So very, very important, because you're going to have a lot more of those no's than you are Going to have divorces or three to five year relationships that kind of end. So I think that's a really important one.

And it's the short term nose we want to get good at. It's the short term stuff we have to practice. Right, right, right.

The second piece of this is taking ownership and taking radical ownership of the situation. Like you take ownership of your feelings and focus on you and how you feel, not about what it is that they did or anything about them in particular. And the thing is, you're entitled through the dating process to feel whatever it is that you want to feel like. And he should respect that. If you're feeling something throughout the dating process, then that's okay. And he should only want to be with someone who really feels that special connection.

Right.

When you say things like, you know, as great as things were, I'm just not feeling what I hope to, or this is entirely about me, like, you're a great person or it's not about you. I'm just not feeling the connection that I really want. When you put it in those terms, you're taking ownership of the situation as well, which is true. You're not feeling these things and it's not something he can really argue with.

Right.

It's just not there. And it really just kind of like alleviates a lot of that back and forth. When you're ending it with someone.

Yeah. And the back and forth is not useful. You've already decided that this is ending. So once you've made that decision, you didn't come to that decision lately. So stick with your decision. Talking about it, defending himself, going through not useful, not useful and only makes things worse. Here's the last piece, probably the most important. It's the thing that really does the breaking up, which is clarity and closure, which is you need to make it clear and stick to it that this is over. Closure equals no falls hope. And remember, closure is kindness. You want to allow him to move on, give him the gift of goodbye. You're not hurting him. You're setting him free to go find his person. What's kinder than that?

Closure is kind. That is a bumper sticker in the making right there. I am doing I love strategies bumper sticker. Closure is kindness. But the thing is, it really is true. Because if you don't give them that absolute closure, if you don't let them go, you are holding them back. It's kind of a selfish way of doing in some ways. And like, you're tr, like, and I've been there. I Get it? Like, you don't want to fully commit to this moment because it's like, well, there are some parts of them I kind of like and like, ah, he is kind of sweet, but I know he's not right for me. It's like once you make the decision, make the decision. It sets you free. It sets him free. You can fly free and do your own thing. And now this man can go devote all of his energy, not just some of it, but all of his energy to finding a new person, which will bring him closer to his goal. Right? That's the key thing. What we don't want to say is, you know, maybe sometime in the future, maybe we can reconnect. Or my favorite, Gary, you know this one, let's just be friends. You know, let's take a step back and let's just be friends. And we can see if something kind of develops there. And you do that just to slowly rip the band aid off hair by hair. Just elongating that moment of just having it off because you think, well, I don't know, he's a nice guy. I kind of want him in my life. All this stuff. No, he's gonna fill up your emotional cup a little bit. He's gonna distract you, you're gonna distract him. It's going to last for six months to a year of somewhat of a friendship. It's never turning into a thing. Move on, really allow yourself to be completely separated and divorced from this guy so that you can really focus on the long lasting, the goal of long lasting love. He's not your guy.

Yeah, I mean, the whole friends thing is the ultimate trying to be nice, but you're actually being mean in the sense that it's a miscommunication. You say we can just be friends. You mean literally, we can just be friends. He hears it. As friends for now. Just give it some time. You're saying I have a chance?

Oh, yeah. I had a moment with one of our Lux clients the other day, and she had this exact situation where the guy convinced her to just stay friends. She's like, yeah, you know, I am looking for some new friends in the area. He also likes to play pickleball. And we can just play, you know, once a week. And I'm like, he is not trying to be your friend. He does not want to be your friend. He wants to find an in a sneaky little way to then win your heart over again. And you've already determined he doesn't meet your love vision. Like, we're very clear about this with our clients in particular, when if a man doesn't meet your love vision, and we have a very specific criteria for that, then he is not a fit. We move on. He is not in our life. I know it's harsh, it's hardcore, but that is how we get the results that we do. We really, really hold those boundaries because we know if this guy stays in your life, he'll find a way in at some point. It's going to hit you at a moment when you're really lonely. Maybe you sleep together, maybe you start to catch feelings, and then, boom, you wake up 10 years later with this guy who still isn't right for you. He's still not right for you. And you knew it from the start. And then he found a sneaky little way in to your heart. And now look. And then it's like, oh, if only I had just not been friends with this guy.

And that's what it is. Pickleball Pete is just biding his time, waiting for you to lower your standards. That's what he's doing. You're making this decision.

He's going to lose a pickleball every time. He's like, wow, you've gotten really good at this. Or I.

Who knows? It's. But he's just playing the long game, and he's just waiting. You made a good decision at the right time. He's waiting for you to lower your standards to get pickleball. He's. He's all back. He wants to get back in. Don't let him do it now. Here. Here's the thing with the guys coming back. You send this text, you have this conversation. Things are broken up. You didn't make any of the mistakes of saying, I'll see you around, or we'll just stay friends or maybe we reconnect. It's. You gave closure all that good stuff, but give it six weeks, three months tops. He's back.

He's back.

They come back because they know what they're missing out on and they want to see again. Did you lower your standards? Have you changed your mind? Have you gotten a little lonely? Have you. He's testing your resolve. And so remember, you made this decision for a good reason. Stick to your decision. And so how do you deal with these guys that come back around one? Ignore them. There's nothing to say. Nothing else to say. So he sends you a text. Hey, how's it going? It's not. Nothing to say to you. Yeah, if you have to. If you're going to Be too tempted to respond. Block. Just block his number. You don't need. You don't need this in your life. Right? Can I. Can I share a really terrible dad joke, please, about blocking? Because every time I suggest to our clients, block them, they're like, ah, I can't do that. Can't do that. And so I say, you know, there's this dad joke about the eclipse. If the moon can block the sun, you can block this guy.

Oh, my God.

Terrible, right?

That is so bad. Please, no more dad jokes. Oh, God.

But, Adam, if the moon can block the sun, you can block Pickleball Pete from your phone so you don't have to hear from him again. Here's the thing. I don't care if. So you don't want to block him. You don't have to. If you can just hold off not responding to him. But as soon as he gets argumentative or mean, you must block him. It becomes no longer a choice. You block argumentative and mean people. You don't need those people taking your mental energy. And the last piece, because there's certain guys in the world that just get really hurt by. By basic little rejections. Narcissists in particular. Prepare yourself. And this is also why you want to block. I think blocking is the greatest solution to all this, is prepare yourself for certain guys to come back. You still aren't interested, and then they get mean, and then they get nasty, and they start attacking you as a person as just. What I. When I say prepare is just know that this is coming because this actually has nothing to do with you. And what he's saying is not true at all. He's just trying to hurt you and make you cry.

Yep. And I think that is the price for success in anything, is that there's going to. This is what differentiates the winners from the losers in anything in life, is those who can go through this situation and end it and move on and then block and ignore the haters. Those are the winners. The people who struggle throughout dating constantly are those who then re engage with that and say, I'm sorry and you're right, and then they rethink it and they get back together with that guy. Be decisive. When it's over, it's over. Be a little bit cutthroat at times, because chances are the vast majority of people listening are not, like, honestly ruthless enough throughout the dating process. Protect you and your energy throughout the process. Be clear, be honest, be decisive, and it's over. So, Gary, this was a great one. I know this is going to be really useful for everyone listening in, so this is great. Thank you.

You don't want to hear another dad joke? Oh, God, I don't have another one. I'm kidding.

Okay. Thank God. Thank God. All right, thanks, Adam. Thanks, ladies. All right.

Bye. Bye.

All right, thank you so much for being a part of the Love Strategies community. By getting to the end of the podcast, you have proven that you, you are a high value woman who deserves a long lasting relationship, and we would love to help you get there. So what I recommend you do is go to loveapply.com and you can claim a free love strategy session where someone on my team is going to get on a call with you on a zoom session, be able to understand your challenges and see whether or not we can help you make that a reality this year. So head on over to Love Apply. Apply for that free love strategy session, and we cannot wait to help you attract that man you truly deserve. All right, thanks for being here.