Is The Guy You're Dating Secure? 10 Ways To Figure It Out

So you're dating a new guy and you're probably wondering, what is his attachment style? Is he a secure attachment? Is he anxious? Is he avoidant? Gary, wouldn't it be so nice if on a first date you could just ask someone like, dude, what's your attachment style? And get a legit answer? Wouldn't that be so nice? Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else. Backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences, your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of love strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy.

I would love it. It's like the world's nerdiest dating question. But, like, the best dating question. And like, ladies, don't do it.

Don't do it. By the way, don't ask that question.

Don't do it. I still, I love it. I love every bit of it. I love the whole impulse behind it. Because, like, sometimes people think like, the world's most important questions that they want to ask right up front are like, what's your credit score? What's your political affiliation? How's your mom? Right? It's like, yeah, like, those are important, but they're actually nowhere near as important as, hey, buddy, what's your attachment style?

Yeah, but Gary, let's just be clear here to the listeners. You would never ask someone their credit score on a first date, right? It's something you'd want to ask someone.

Yeah, exactly. But I think, like, we have all the things we want to ask that we think are important, but a lot of times those things that we think are the most important, at least none of them are nearly as essential to relationship outcomes as attachment.

Yes. I love that. It's so true. I mean, we. We have so many dates, we beat around the bush, we try to find commonalities. All that's nice. Oh, you like Glass Animals. You love that band. As like, might be a question I'd ask on a first date, but it's like, it's all noise. It doesn't matter if they like the same band as me. What matters is are they secure attachment style, regardless of your attachment style. So maybe we should start this with just a quick overview for those who aren't familiar with Attachment, what attachment style actually is when it comes to relationships.

Sure. And so attachment style is how you relate emotionally to other people. And so there's two main dimensions of this. It's your comfort with closeness, like are you okay becoming emotionally vulnerable, sharing yourself, self disclosing, just being vulnerable in general. And then the other piece is how anxious you are over being left or anxiety over abandonment. And so someone who's secure, they're good with being close, they're good with emotional entity, they're good with vulnerability opening up. This, without a doubt, is the good style of attachment. And Good news, about 65 to 70% of the population is securely attached. This is the thing that you want and this is why you want to know this information, ideally as soon as possible. Because there's literally hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of studies on attachment. And 99% of them show a secure attachment is the good one. You want more love, satisfaction, commitment, less cheating, better communicate all the good stuff. Secure, secure, secure.

Yeah. And men tend to have more avoidant attachment style than women do. Is that fair to say?

Yeah. And because it fits very neatly into the stereotype we have about men, that they're standoffish, they don't like to talk, and so men can frankly get away with an avoidant attachment style a little bit easier.

Yeah. So when we're dating, something that's really important is to be thinking not just where you're going to be in this relationship the next three months or even three years, you want to be thinking, where is this relationship going for the next 30 years? And when you start zooming out on your life, these are the things to really be looking for when you're dating. And so today we're going to be giving you, I believe we have 10 signs of a secure attachment. And this is really what you want to be looking for on a first date or a second date or a third date or as things continue to move forward in the relationship, because this is what sets, sets you up for that long lasting, 30 year and beyond type of relationship. So, Gary, is it worth just kind of jumping in here?

Yeah, I think one thing though, I would just like to say is this is so important that we would ideally like to just come right out and ask somebody about this stuff.

Yeah.

But they're not going to know in the sense that like you could ask, like, hey, Dwight. I don't know why to think the guy's name's Dwight.

That's a terrible.

But I'm picking that because you're not dating a Dwight. And then some listeners are like, wait, he knows I'm dating Dwight? So you're dating this guy Dwight. You're like, dwight, what's your attachment style? He may not know. And so we're going to talk about some subtle signs of attachment. And so just a word of caution about subtle signs. These are not guarantees that somebody is secure or not necessarily. But what we want you to do is pay attention to these things. And this will allow you to establish a pattern such that more of these things are more indicative of security. Fewer of these things are more indicative of perhaps insecurity. And so this is not like, oh, the guy I'm dating has signed number four. He's definitely secure. Like, careful. It's not that easy. But it's like, we're going to give you 10 so that you have a. This sounds nerdy. Large data set to work from. So you have a couple of different things to look for to help you earlier than you're going to figure this stuff out over time anyway. But this is to give you just a little bit of a head start.

Yeah. And I should say if his name is Dwight, he definitely has an anxious attachment style. I just guarantee. I'm just saying, like, he's not secure.

Fair. I don't know. I don't know anybody named Dwight.

So I think of Dwight from the office.

That's what I.

I don't know if he's anxious, avoidant, or just. Just cuckoo land. Who knows?

I do always worry, though, if I'm like, you know, this guy Bob, and like, you know, there's a fair number of people who are dating a guy named Bob and it just, it feels personal. But like Dwight, I don't know, it seems safe. Seems like a safe.

Yeah, it's okay. People, People seem to like the reason Luxembourg. Not to digress here, but I always make fun of accountants, as you all know. And one of our clients at a recent event, she's an accountant. She's like, adam, what? When are you going to stop making fun of accountants? I'm like, I chose the profession to make fun of. That's it. That's. I'm sticking with it.

It's just. Now you just got to write it all the way.

Exactly. All right, so why don't we jump into the first one, Gary?

All right, so subtle signs of secure attachment, because you can't come right out and ask them. Number one, I think this is, this is number one intention, because I think this is one of the best ones, which is he's had long fulfilling Relationships in the past. Insecure people, people with insecure attachment have a hard time maintaining long term, happy, fulfilling relationships. So if your guy has had in the past long, serious, fulfilling, high quality relationships, that's a really good sign. Even if he's divorced. Every once in a while I have a client that'll say something like, you know, I'm dating this guy, he's divorced. He was married for 15, 20 years and now he's divorced. So he's probably bro. He's probably not great. It's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Actually, let's hold. Like he knows how to have a long term, stable relationship. And, you know, who knows why it ended. But like, that's actually a pretty good sign that this guy has some security. Because if he was truly insecure or avoidant especially, chances are he's not making it 15 years.

Right, right. And it's funny you say that because I had a client recently, she was talking to a guy who was in his 60s and is never really been in a relationship before, never been married. And she's like, is that, is there a sign to look for there? I'm like, well, it's unlikely he has a secure attachment. Does it mean he can't be in a relationship now? No, but it's definitely a risk. It's a risk factor. I'd rather someone who's divorced than someone who's never been in a relationship. So.

Yeah, and I think that actually really nicely speaks to that. The point I was trying to make earlier about like, these are subtle signs, these are risk factor. Like, this helps increase, lower the risk. And it's not. None of these by themselves are truly definitive, but you kind of piece it all together.

Exactly. So I think that brings us to the second point, which is that he's also very pleasant. He speaks pleasantly about his past relationships. So he can speak about his past partners. Not without. He doesn't have this like crazy bitterness about every single ex he's been with. It was awful. You know, he doesn't talk negatively about his exes. You know, maybe a few things here and there. We get it. You know, there's some challenges with exes, but generally speaking, the breakups were mutual and not too messy. And the way he speaks about the past relationships says a lot about his current attachment. So keep that in mind.

Yeah, I mean, a secure guy is not going to trash his ex partner. Just like, say, she was the worst, she was horrible. We had all these problems. It's like they're just gonna. Even if they had problems, they Just, I think, would respectfully decline to speak about it, especially early on. Right. It's just. It's just not gonna be a priority for them. Because that brings us to number three. Oh, go ahead.

No, no, no. I was gonna tell a stupid story. I might as well tell it. I was. I was at a party. I was at a party last weekend. I was catching up with a really old friend, and she was telling me about all of her exes and how there's such narcissists and everyone. And she's like, aren't your exes just the worst? I'm like, it's funny you say that. I actually really like all my exes. There were great people. It was like a weird moment. This is like a weird moment that I had. I'm like, yeah, it just wasn't a good fit. But they're great people. I don't know. I have nothing but great things to say about my exes.

Well, and it's. It's such a model of security when you can just basically say, like, they're good, they're a good person. They're just not a good person for me.

Right.

That's a very secure way of looking at your past relationships. Not a lot of drama, not a lot of turmoil and all that kind of stuff. And I think, you know, I was going to say that brings the third one, which is part of the reason why there's not a lot of drama and turmoil is people who are secure are good with their emotions. They can identify how they feel. They're comfortable discussing their feelings. They're really good with emotional precision. And what I mean by that. The research talks about this as, you know, instead of just saying, I'm happy or mad, it's, I'm feeling fulfilled, I'm feeling content, I'm feeling upset or frustrated. You know, it's just they're very good with describing and understanding how they feel, which helps them understand how other people feel. It's a form of emotional intelligence. This also makes them very comfortable with emotional intimacy sharing. They're also really good at keeping themselves calm, cool, and collected. They don't have super duper highs or super duper lows. In nerd speak, we call this emotional regulation. And so they're just not emotionally volatile. They're not easily offended. A subtle way to pick up on your guy's ability to deal with emotions is if he gets cut off in traffic, how's he react? Like, how's that go?

I am definitely insecure. Attachment. If it's that, no so because, like.

I have friends of mine who. It's like they get cut off in traffic and their reaction is like, this guy doesn't know who he's dealing with. Like, who does this guy think he is? And it's like, he's just more. He's in more of a rush than you are. Like, don't take it personally. And, you know, maybe you're not driving around in a car with this guy yet. But, like, I do think this is where the waiter, the waitress, the server at the restaurant is also a pretty good sign because something won't quite go right. And some people just have this reaction. It's like, he doesn't know who he's dealing with. Doesn't he know who I am? It's like a secure person just be like, it's okay. Secure people are okay with other people making mistakes. They're quite forgiving about it. It's like good people have bad days. Like, that's a very secure way of looking at the world.

So one thing you'll hear a lot on the podcast is us mentioning the seven little love steps. These are seven powerful yet simple steps that you can take in your love life to attract that man that lasts for the rest of your life. So if you don't know the seven little love steps, then I have a free training for you. It's completely free. Just head on over to the lovesteps.com you can go through that virtual training. I think you're going to really enjoy it and get a lot out of it and understand our exact framework for attracting that relationship you truly deserve. Again, that's the lovesteps.com all right, back to the pod. Definitely. And unfortunately, with emotional regulation in particular, that's something you might not really learn about until you've been going out with someone for quite a while. Because people usually keep that in check the first couple dates. But they'll be nice to the server, they'll be nice when they're driving car. They'll keep it in check. It's once you're maybe in a new relationship with someone or you're pretty far along with that person, you start to see their true reaction and how they respond to their own emotions. So that can be a moment where if you see that, take notice. Take notice of that. Because people who, who are completely emotionally volatile and are totally just at their own, every emotion they feel, they just have to dive in head first and just go with that. Whether it's anger, sadness, you know, even happiness, you know, that is definitely A major concern for a long lasting relationship. Which is an interesting segue to our fifth one or our fourth one. Excuse me, Where Gary and I can relate to this one as fellow criers.

Right, Gary, let's band together.

We are criers to the degree he's the type of guy who admits to crying. I know it's kind of a crazy thing to say. And you women might be like, oh my God, that would be so nice to be with a guy who can actually be in touch with his feelings, but like, not too much. I don't want him crying all the time. Like a healthy amount of crying. But this is something that you want to be with someone who is comfortable within reason to show their emotions. And it could be a movie you're watching or it could be a really special moment you have with him that is typically again, a good sign of secure attachment.

Yeah. Which is really funny because I put this one on here immediately after a mastermind where a client said something to the effect of I just can't date men who cry. And it was very much a. Well, wait a second, be careful what you wish for there because you're saying like, you know, you're looking for a guy who's not comfortable with expressing emotion. And so a lot of the guys who have the, like me, tough guy, me no cry. Right. Like it's like this toxic form of masculinity that okay, he can be whoever he wants, but like those traits are not conducive to high quality fulfilling relationships because fulfilling relationships are about sharing emotion, dealing with emotion, being vulnerable. And the I refuse to cry for any reason type of approach, it leaves you emotionally shut off in a way that's not healthy.

Yeah, I mean, and like I get why she said that. Like a guy who's crying, especially early on, like, that's not hot. It's not exactly going to send you to the bedroom for some white hot sex blindfold and all this. I get it. But it's different. It's. This is where the true emotional intimacy comes in, in building a long lasting partnership. So it's worth. Is worth thinking about, depend on what it's about. Right.

It's like you're at a restaurant and it's like, my steak isn't cooked right. Balling. That's not, that's a different thing. But you know, it's. You have to be comfortable with expressing emotion. Which actually brings us to the fifth sign, subtle sign of secure attachment, which is he, he's able to ad weakness and is able to be Self deprecating, right? He's okay saying what he's not good at. He's okay saying what he needs to work on. He's all right asking for help. He doesn't take himself too seriously. He screws something up. Like he's okay with the self deprecating humor. It's just he doesn't have this like really tentative sense of who he is. He's cool with who he is, comfortable in his own skin and is okay just saying, like, yeah, not my strong suit to do blank, blank, you know, whatever it happens to be.

Right. He has a high degree of self esteem, he's confident in himself. And so there's no people who are unafraid to show their weak, who are afraid to show their weaknesses. They tend to be highly insecure people. And so I think it's a great sign, which actually leads us, well, to the sixth point, which is that he doesn't avoid conflict. Like, this is one of the things, Gary, I'll say it again, but one of the things I really resonated with your messaging is that conflict is important in relationships. Like if you don't fight ever in your relationship, someone's not saying something, like there's something under the rug happening. And you know, we don't mean like throw the plates against the wall screaming fights and arguments. We're talking about conflict where you disagree with one another. And you know, you can disagree without being totally disagreeable. Right? You can just disagree with someone and really address issues and do it calmly and just. You don't avoid the difficult conversations that are required in healthy relationships. Like, there are some times when you're in a relationship, there's something on your mind and you know when you bring it up, it ain't gonna go well. You just know it. You're like, this is not going to be well received, but I have to say it. And if he has a secure attachment, he is going to be comfortable bringing those things up, as should you. And that is the only way that a real relationship can work. Whether it's romantic, platonic, even professional relationships, you got to cut out the fluff, cut out the BS and do it with sincerity and kindness, but also be willing to have those courageous conversations.

And I think a big part of being able to deal with conflict is someone who's secure, doesn't catastrophize every issue. Right? And so this is something you'll see insecure people do is at the first sign of trouble, it's like, oh gosh, here it is, here it comes. It's all over. I knew it was going to happen eventually. This is the first step in the demise of our entire. And it's just like, that's catastrophic and it's not true. Secure person doesn't think that, you know, you guys have a fight about how to load the dishwashers, the end of your relationship. It's just like, okay, it's just another thing. Like it's. We'll get through this somehow. Like it just. They take things as they come and don't worry too much. It's just nothing is becomes over important when it comes to some of these conflicts.

Well, and I think just something worth noting, you know, we have a lot of clients in love strategies that we work with who are avoidant or anxious attachment. And they're in relationships and they're really excited and everything's going well. And the first, one of the first things I'll say when our clients are in a new relationship is conflict is coming. And that's okay. Like, that is okay. Prepare yourself. And because we could be in this honeymoon phase of a new relationship, especially if we're not secure, because there's plenty of people who are listening that are not secure and they're like, oh God, I struggle with conflict. And if you can just go into new relationships realizing that that is going to happen because you're two imperfect human beings that have different opinions, different thoughts, different life experiences. If you go into realizing that you're going to have conflict moments and you just got to work through them and have the courage to speak your mind when it's appropriate. That's the key to everything. And not run away at the very first sign that you know you're not getting along. Because it's gonna happen.

Yeah. And just at a general level, you know you're secure if you can think about you and your relationship partner with a matter of fact attitude about the possibility that, you know, things aren't always gonna go well. Right. If you think that thought and you're like, yeah, of course. I mean, that's just how it goes. That's a good sign of security. If you're like, oh, things aren't gonna go well. Oh no, oh no, then that's less secure. Right. So the seventh subtle sign is he's not unnecessarily competitive with you or with others. Right. Because here's the thing with competition. Competition is about creating distance. Security is about being collaborative. And so someone who's secure isn't going to be competitive with you. They're going to be Cheering you on. They're going to be deferential to you and your activities. They're going to be supportive of your goals and ambitions. They don't always have to come first. A secure person knows that in the relationship, there are going to be times, days, weeks or months where I go first because of whatever's going on. But there's also going to be plenty of days, weeks, months, years where you go first and we share and we pass that back and forth, forth. It doesn't always have to be me first, you second. Right. That's an insecure way of looking at things. And so the other thing is, with the competitiveness and how you can look at how they treat others is. Do they punch down? What I mean by that is someone who's secure isn't going to pick on people who are below them, whether that's employer, employee, or, you know, a service person at a restaurant or someone that's parking your car. It's. They're just not going to take shots at people who are not at their level. It's just. They're not going to take shots at anybody in general. But they're just. They're just not going to approach the world in a way where it's like, I got to show them better than everybody because they're just comfortable again. They're comfortable in their own skin. They're comfortable being close. They're not worried about everybody's perceptions all the time. They're secure.

They're not going to kick you when you're down. You know, you give a presentation at work and you come home and you're like, oh, my God, I totally messed that up. They're not going to say, you should have prepared more. I told you to. What were you thinking doing that? They'd be like, honey, you got it. Next time I'm here for you. No problem. They don't kick you when you're down. So moving on to number eight is that he's not needy, basically. He doesn't require reassurance or constant attention that says, oh, my God, I like this one. It's my favorite. I'm the best guy you've ever dated, right? Right. Like, leading questions to get you to be like, oh, yeah, of course. You're the most amazing man. Oh, but I'm, like, really good in bed, right? Oh, you're the best. Primo. Come on, dude. Like, again, that's a huge sign of insecurity. If someone has to ask questions like that, he's not the type of guy who will need constant texting, constant reassurance of where you are in the relationship, all of these things. Which really leads us to the ninth one. I'll just kind of put these two together. He doesn't need to monitor you either. He doesn't need to know where you are at every single step second of the day. He doesn't need to be again, checking in with you to make sure that you're not talking to other guys. He doesn't need to check your whereabouts or anything like that. Or of course check your location. And that is a weird trend, by the way, that a lot of people are getting moving towards, which is sharing their location with their partner. To me that's like cuckoo. I, I just. Gary, do you share your location?

No.

Okay. I didn't think so.

Because it's like where I'm almost always in the same two spots.

Yeah.

Maybe three spots if you know. But it's just unnecessary because why would I. And I never ever check where my wife is?

No.

Like we have that Life 360 app because we have a teenager. And so I actually I, I don't even check where my teenager is that much because I am a hyper secure person. So I operate on a basic level of trust. Like right, my daughter is super mature, super capable, super responsible. So I just basically trust her to make good choice. So I don't need to like, where is she on the map now? Like, I just, I don't need that information.

Yeah.

But I do think this is one of those things where people who are secure don't require reassurance. And if you're not secure, it'll be weird that your guy who is secure doesn't ask how things are going. He's not constantly checking in. You're going to think he doesn't text enough, you're going to think he doesn't care enough. And sometimes you're misreading those signals as it's not that he doesn't care or he doesn't trust or it's actually that he trusts a lot he cares. He's just okay with being secure because I think there's the whereabouts, like where are you in the world? But it's also the who abouts. It's like, who are you with? Who are, you know, a secure guy? You're gonna say, yeah, me, me and my friends, we're going out Friday night. Secure guy's gonna go, cool, have fun.

Right?

We're gonna be like, wait a second, he didn't ask who I'm going with, where I'M going, who is going to be there? Are there gonna be other guys there? Oh, gosh. Maybe that means he doesn't care. No, it's actually the opposite. He's just okay with you going wherever you're going because he trusts you implicitly. That's a really good sign.

Right? This reminds me, I was on a bachelor party. I'm too old for bachelor parties now, But I was on one earlier this year in New Orleans, and this guy that I didn't know very well, he's a friend of the groom, soon to be groom, and he was on his phone all night. And at one point, I saw he was texting with some woman. He's like, oh, yeah, I'm texting with my wife. She just keeps asking me where we are. I'm like, why does she even need to know? He's like, dude, she makes me share my location. And so every time I've moved bars, she keeps texting me, like, where am I now? Like, is it a good time? Am I having fun? And I'm like, oh, so she's sitting at home in a different state, just looking you looking at where you're going from bar to bar on a bachelor party. Come on. Like, I had to fight every part. All I was like, oh, you share your location. Nice. Okay. And I walked away because I don't know the guy. I don't care. But it was just such, like, a ludicrous moment where I'm like, I would never, ever want to do that with my wife, nor would she want to do that with me. It's so strange.

And as a secure person, if I was single and somebody asked me to do that, that would be an automatic next moment deal. Like, just know, done, done. Absolutely not. And you know, I get someone's gonna be like, oh, well, you're only saying no because you're doing something shady. No, I'm doing it because you gotta. We gotta trust each other. Like, that is bedrock stuff in a relationship. And that just screams neediness, lack of trust. Like, no, no, no, no.

Not for me, not for me.

All right, so the last subtle sign of secure attachment is there's more to his life than the relationship. And I know I say this one for last because I think this one can sometimes be hard for people to hear, is that we want to be, in some ways, the center of our partner's universe. We want them to make our relationship their top, top priority at all times. And I think that is a completely natural and human want. But a secure person will recognize that that's a want, but it's not terribly realistic, nor probably should it be at all times. Like, there are other things to your life than your relationship partner. And I say that as someone who loves love, there just has to be other stuff that leads to fulfillment in your life. And so sometimes we will see people. He's got these other activities and work, and he's got friend. And it's like he just doesn't have time. For me, it's like, well, okay, like, you want to be a priority, but the fact that he's got other things going on is a good sign. He's not putting it all on the relationship. Because, you know, who puts their whole life into their one relationship? People who are insecure. So this being able to have multiple priorities is actually a really good sign.

Yeah.

And that.

That is a common theme when people get again to little love. STEP 6 In a new exclusive, committed relationship. And it goes from this kind of like, hot and heavy phase to now he starts to, quote, unquote, pull away. As in, he starts to focus on work, he starts to focus on his friends, and he starts to do other things without you. We call it the cool down period. And that is perfectly normal. And in fact, it's a great sign. It means that he is putting his. Especially if it's work. That's a big one. I know people get frustrated, but it's like if a man is in a new exclusive relationship and now he starts focusing his attention on work, it's likely he means he's. He's intending to start a life with you. Right. Like, he's now getting serious. He's like, oh, I'm with a girl that I really like. I'm with a woman that I really want to get serious about. I gotta. I gotta hunker down. I gotta make this happen. I gotta set up my life and prepare it for that woman. I know that that's how I was.

Yeah.

When I married.

Male equivalent. It's the male equivalent of nesting. Yeah. Right. It's like, you know, you want your guy out there, like, bringing back the resource. And he's like, okay, got the woman. Got to have the resources to get this thing going. And it's actually a really good sign. And it's a sign of security because you don't need the constant reassurance. It's not the constant checking in. You can go a little while without seeing each other or hearing it, because it's, I think, the default thing. And I just was talking to clients the other night about this. I think if you want to look at what secure looks like, look at how you are with your best friend. Almost every best friend pairing has a secure relationship. You don't constantly wonder where your best friend is or what they're doing or who they're with or how recently you've talked, because you have this implicit trust that, like, we're gonna pick right back up where we left off the next time we see each other. The the benefit with a romantic partner is just get to see them more often, typically. But how you act when you're not together with your romantic partner should be very similar to how you act with your best friend.

Amen. So with all that said, secure attachment men exist on the planet. They are out there. Use these 10 signs as kind of tools in your toolkit to get out there, be able to identify those guys, lean into the guys who are secure, lean out from the guys who are avoidant or insecure, and go have some fun out there. There's amazing people who you can spend the rest of your life with. So that was a lot of fun, Gary. I appreciate it. Thanks, man.

Thanks, Adam.

All right. Thank you so much for being a part of the Love Strategies community. By getting to the end of the podcast, you have proven that you are a high value woman who deserves a long lasting relationship and we would love to help you get there. So what I recommend you do is go to loveapply.com and you can claim a free love strategy session where someone on my team is going to get on a call with you on a zoom session, be able to understand your challenges and see whether or not we can help you make that a reality this year. So head on over to loveapply. Com, apply for that free love strategy session, and we cannot wait to help you attract that man you truly deserve. All right, thanks for being here.