Is Your Guy Falling Short? One thing you should NEVER do.

Hey there, everyone. Before we start the podcast, as you all know, there's a lot of bad dating and love advice out there, and we want to put a stop to that. So if you're enjoying this podcast, you enjoy the content that we're putting out, please can you leave a review Wherever it is that you're listening to this podcast, it spreads a lot of love and it really helps get this message out there so we can help more women just like you attract the love that they truly deserve. Go ahead and leave that review and let's jump into the podcast.

You're not a rehabilitation center for broken and troubled men. That's not your job. You're a full, complete person who has an amazing life. Your guy partner should be a full and complete person, also has an amazing life. And the whole point is you just get to share it together.

Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast, where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else. Backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences, your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. All right, Garrett. Today we're going to be talking about a topic that I'm willing to bet has been discussed for all of human civilization. I'm sure women have been discussing this for a hundred thousand, three hundred thousand years, however long hoping Homo sapiens has been around, around. Okay, and that is when a guy is falling short, which we do all the time, what do you do? Do you fix him or do you not? I can imagine like a cave woman talking to her fellow caveman. Oh, my God.

I'm sitting here, like, laughing to myself because I can just imagine, like, a woman, a cave woman sitting around talking to friends. What do you think Craig's doing with the fire? The fire won't start that way. Like, we got to tell him.

Oh, my God. Just turn it into a wheel. Just turn the rock into a wheel. You'll be able to push it.

Shut up.

I'm fine.

All right.

Leave me alone. Leave me alone. I'm just trying to make my elk in my. What was the. The. The. What was that animal that they used to have that we exist?

Woolly mammoth.

The woolly mammoth. Oh. Just trying to hunt a woolly mammoth. Oh, man. So today we're going to be talking about the one thing that we believe we should never do in relationships, which is fixing them. Right, Gary? So walk us through it a little bit.

This whole idea of trying to fix or improve your partner is the ultimate strategy that people try to use. That comes from a really, really good place if you want your partner to be better. And you're gonna have an endless supply of imperfect partners who potentially need a little bit of help. Right? So if you were on the apps, dating apps, you know about the near miss phenomenon. There's so many guys who seem really, really good, but then they're just falling short on a few key things. The other way that this happens a lot where people fall into this trap of trying to fix their partner is a guy likes them. It's like, oh, he likes me. And then as soon as you find out somebody likes you, you kind of just go through this, like, mental calculation of, like, is it good enough? Like, can I. Can I work with this? Is this. Is this somebody I can shape, mold, change, create? Just, like, morph into the guy. I want him to be like, can I work with this?

So he plays a lot of video games eight hours a day, but I bet I can get him to come to yoga with me. I bet I could. Yeah.

He likes to eat Cheetos, but he wants to be a vegan. I know it. I know.

Oh. Oh, yeah. I wonder if Cheetos is definitely not vegan. There's no way.

Definitely not the cheese. It's not.

It's definitely not.

And so.

But maybe vegan. Maybe she should stop being vegan. I don't know. I'm sorry. I just turned off all the vegan people.

But I think, like, part of this that, like I said, kind of comes from a good place. But then it is also just like, everybody likes a project, right? It's like one of the most popular shows ever, I think, on hgtv, and now they have their own network is Fixer Upper. Do you know the show Chip and Johanna Gaines?

I do not know. I know the show, but I do not know those people.

They are phenomenons, and Chip is hilarious. But in any case, the whole show is about this premise. Like, you take something that's not great and you fix it up, and then it's amazing. And that, like, that show, I mean, they're. They're, I think, currently the best at it and the most famous at it, but it's like that show is literally all of hgtv. That's what the entire network is. Is, like, you take something not great and you fix it up. And we all love this idea of rehabilitating things. And something I say to clients a lot is just a reminder that you're not a rehabilitation center for broken, damaged men. Like, that's not your job in life. And so, you know, as much as you want to play fixer upper, you want to, like, you know, partner 2.0 and, like, turn them into something that you want. It's like, it's a strategy that ultimately leads to bad outcomes. So I thought first is the thing that we should do is kind of talk a little bit about why people try to do this, because I think understanding, like, where this impulse comes from will be helpful in terms of knowing why we maybe shouldn't be doing this.

Walk us through it.

So I think the first reason why people try to fix their partners is just, you're simply being too nice. You just. Again, it comes from, like, a big, pure, kind heart where you just look at this guy and you're like, he needs me. I. I can help him. And it's a little bit of a savior complex because you're kind and you're nice, and then you get to be the hero. Right. And so you have to remember, though, that he's responsible for his own life outcomes. Like, he's got to be the person that's actually doing and making the change. You can't do it all for him.

Right. This is especially big, and I know it's a broad thing to say, but when someone's struggling with mental health issues, right, like, if you start dating someone and they're going through depression, maybe something happened in their life, like a death in the family. That happens quite a bit while you're dating. You kind of want to go into this mode of. I mean, that. That's actually a little bit different, but let's just say depression or mental health issues, you want to get into this mode of, like, oh, if I could just solve that for him. If I could just solve that, he'd be perfect. And it does come from a place of wanting to be nice and kind. You don't want to watch other people suffer. But let me tell you, that is a long, very challenging path forward. And if that was something that was easily solved, he would have done it already. Right?

Yeah. And I think, you know, the two examples you mentioned are absolutely great examples. I think the other big one is a drug addiction or addiction of any sort. Like, I'm going to help them through this, and I Think it's kind, but it's also wildly optimistic because changing someone's life around is hard. Right. Whatever has landed them here now, in this position of whatever problem is you're trying to solve, they've got a couple decades head start on you. Right. This just didn't happen last week. Like, this is something that has been building, growing, establishing itself, growing roots. So changing that thing around is going to be really, really, really difficult. It's, I think, the most realistic thing. And this is something, I'm totally stealing this from a client who, who one of our other clients was describing this kind of situation where she was really trying to help her current guy with all these different problems and all this kindness was just flowing out of her. And another client chimed in and said, you want to do that type of thing? Get a rescue dog?

I love it.

That's a little tough love. But it's like, yeah, you have a better shot there. If you want to be someone's savior, you want to do the nice, kind thing. Maybe your dating partners is not the place to express those impulses.

Yeah. And so often they are fruitless endeavors. I mean, especially those two. When it comes to depression or addiction, that is a. Those are tricky ones. These are not kind of just quick little fixes in his life like repairing something in a home. Okay. This is foundational and it can take a very, very long time. And like, look, these are the very things that typically cause divorce. Addiction tends to be number one. I mean, my mother's a divorce attorney and she's facilitated like literally over a thousand divorces in her 40 year career. She still does it. She's in her 80s. It's amazing. But she always said that addiction, whether it's alcoholism, drugs, is that the.

It.

It kind of is like under scores. Everything else, like people say it's financial situation or it's infidelity or something else, but usually it stems from some level of addiction or depression. Right. And so it's like those two things you want to get in, try to fix. You're going to try to fix that before you even get started on the very thing that typically causes divorce. Nah, I wouldn't mess around with that. Are you tired of committing your heart to a man who only just pulls away? Well, if so, we have a very special presentation that's available to our podcast listeners. It's at a special link. It's called he commits dot com. And it's going to walk you through the five secret strategies that make men commit. Head on over tohecommits.com. it's only available for a short period of time. I think you're going to like it a lot. All right, back to the podcast.

Yeah, and it's. It's addiction from, like, shopping, gambling, sex addictions. I mean, any of those kind. Those are very intrusive things into relationships, and they're very hard to fix. I think the other main motivation here, though, for women especially, is they. They're really good at relationships, particularly when they're in a heterosexual relationship with a guy. The woman is the one who's good at talking, communicating, being in a relationship, being emotionally vulnerable, problem solving, and just kind of being there. And it just. And just cares about personal growth and development, perhaps more stereotypically than the guys do. And so you kind of start feeling that level of expertise, and then you start, like, leaning into that, and it gives you, like, a sense of knowledge and competence and superiority. It's a very masculine kind of feeling. And then you kind of lean into that and become just a little too domineering about it.

Right?

It's like, know that person who knows everything there is to know. I'll pick on you. Like CrossFit. Like, CrossFit. It's like some of the CrossFit people get, like, really, like, you got to do CrossFit, and here's all the thousand reasons why. I'm going to tell you why. Everything you do is wrong. And you got a CrossFit bro, right? And that's okay.

Coming at me, bro. Why are you coming at me, dude? What did I do? All right, I'm gonna try and fix you. All right? Don't talk about CrossFit that way, Gary. But, yeah, I agree.

CrossFit got vegan, whatever. No. Anybody that eats organic. I'm one of those people. I catch myself every once in a while, like, explaining to other people, like, yeah, organic's the way to go. But it's like, no one appreciates that. It's a motivation. Like, you're trying to help. You're trying, trying, trying to help, and you feel like you have some good knowledge to share. But guess what? No one really wants to hear it. They don't really appreciate it. The one thing I will say, though, and the research supports this, is in terms of sharing your expertise. There is one time to do it, which is when your partner wants help specifically with something. They want to eat better or get fit or something, and they ask for your help. Now, that is an open invitation to help, which is very, very different than advice that they didn't want to Hear right. No one likes. Likes that kind of advice.

And even still, I think that there's a level of support that you can give in that moment. But, like, someone's like, hey, I'd like to lose a little bit of weight. And then you jump in and you're like, okay, here's the 20 different things. You got to stick to this exact diet. And then when they don't stick to the diet, you yell at them. Like, there's a way of being supportive. Like, I support you.

I'm here for you.

One thing that I always recommend you say is, like, rather than here's what you should do, you can say, here's what I'm doing. And that's a much better way to give advice in general. Just, like, note to everybody, most people don't like advice or unless they pay for it honestly. But. But they do like to hear about what it is that's working for you. So it's like a nice way of just kind of like easing someone in to be like, you know, what I'm doing that's actually helped me lose 10 pounds is I just stopped eating pasta every morning. I don't know whoever does that, but whatever it is, I'm trying to think. I stopped eating Lucky Charms for breakfast. Don't eat Lucky. Instead of saying, don't eat Lucky Charms, be like, I just stopped eating Lucky Charms. What do you know? I love Lucky Charms.

I'm a huge fan of Lucky Charms, too. And I'm glad you said something normal for breakfast, because that whole pasta thing, I'm like, do you really eat pasta for breakfast? Like, that's weird.

Well, I eat chicken for breakfast because I can't eat eggs. So it's like, I'm weird, man. I. I eat salad or chicken for breakfast.

It's.

It's super weird.

That's a little fun. We should probably edit this piece out, like, you should.

No, no, we're keeping it. We're keeping it. Jamila, you're keeping this part. Keep it going. Take us to the next piece, Gary.

All right, so those are the motivations. Like I said, it's all coming from a really, really good place. But here are four key reasons why you should definitely, absolutely not try to fix your partner. Number one, and this one is so important. And it's. It's this why it's first. And it's kind of mind blowing when you. When you start thinking about it, how I'm about to describe it, which is who are you to say your partner needs to be fixed right? It's a little bit presumptuous, I would even say slightly obnoxious to say, like, who are you? Like, is this a good change? Are you sure? Like, why are you all of a sudden the master of their universe and the steward of all things, them that you know what's best for them. And the. The way to get this through and, like, make it kind of crystal is like, think if your partner was doing this to you, like, they would say, you know what? You'd be a much better person if only you switched A, B, and C. Or you'd be a lot better partner for me if you did X, Y, and Z. And it's like, wait a second. Who do you think you are? Yeah. Not okay.

You would be so much happier if you were more social. You should really be more social and make more friends and, like, come out to parties with me. Who are you? I. I like being at home, sitting at home, doing my thing. Like, it's very. It's. It's very much so a boundaries violation. And in some ways, when you're telling someone who it is that they should be to be happy. Now, obviously, I get it. Like, there's certain circumstances where it's so clear that they are harming themselves regularly. And I think that that's where people struggle, like, how to handle that and how much do you kind of just let it go versus gently trying to redirect people? And I think that that's. That's the tricky one. But in a lot of cases, I think especially early on in a relationship at least, I found this personally, like, you sometimes just try to change someone to suit your own needs rather than actually suiting that person's need.

Right. And, you know, I mean, your partner should. Should justifiably feel like, well, who are you to change me? Right. I like me. I'm sorry, you don't like me. Because that's essentially the dynamic that's taking place. It's a very conditional type of love and affection, which is. Brings us to the second one, which is fixing a part a person is not how real relationships work. It's very, very conditional. It's basically saying, I'm going to love you if you fulfill these couple of things. And that's not fair. That's not how anybody wants to feel. That's not how you want to feel. You want your partner to love you for who you are. You don't want them to only love you if you're able to accomplish several key tasks that they've mapped out for you. Over the next six months. Like, that's not a way to be in a relationship.

And I find that chronic fixers in relationships, it's not like that. It's not like there's an end to this road. It's not like you finally arrive and then it's like, oh, this is over. Let's say they did have some guy that they were dating who's like, yes, ma', am, I'll do whatever it is that you want. He keeps changing. He's like, okay, I'll wear that. I'll do this thing. I, I'll speak the way you want me to. And he's just like this molded character. It's like at the end of this, suddenly now she's like, okay, I'm happy. That's it. It's like, it actually probably gets worse because he's not being a man at all. And he's just like, okay, I'll do whatever you say. And you'll probably grow tired of him anyways and be like, I'm not into this guy and on to the next guy to fix. And so it's, it's just like, it doesn't end anywhere pretty. So it's just.

Yeah, I would say if he talks in that cartoony kind of voice though, maybe that is worth changing. That might be a helpful little thing. Why?

What's wrong with this? Oh, golly, can you stop talking like that? Why? This is how I talk. Well, I mean, that's, I mean, I just dump that guy and dump that woman if she talks like that.

I, I think your point though is a really good one about, you know, there, this, this road never ends because behind it is this weird sense of perfectionism. And if not perfectionism, just a general sense of maximizing, which is you always want the very, very best. And as soon as you get the very best, there's got to be something better that then you have to chase that too. And that's a very unfulfilling path to be on because you never quite get there. And the road there is not enjoyable. And so that's something you want to avoid. Well.

Oh, sorry, were you going to say something?

Oh, no.

I think that like the self helpy world really throws people off on this front because like, self help is all about like constant improvement, constant change. If you're not changing, if you're not growing, you're dying. And I feel like I even said that once, like 10 years ago. So if that's out there, I take it back because I think sometimes in relationships it's not growing. It's just like you, you're, you just are and you're present and you're happy and that's good. Like, and I think that's true in some areas of life. Sometimes you're just like, I just want to be present with this. I'm enjoying this. It's okay. It doesn't always have to be like this massive transformational growing moment. Yeah. And I think they're like some, you go through ebbs and you go through flows. Sometimes the flows, you do have some growth where you're focusing on the relationship you're growing. Other times you're just like, you know, we're in an eb, we're just doing our thing and that's okay.

Like it.

And I think once again, this idea of like self help, constant improvement, constantly looking at things, constantly changing things. Right. Really throws a lot of people off, you know, And I, I just, I, it's, it's kind of like a narrative I really like to change out there.

Yeah, I really like that. I've actually done some research specifically on that topic where a student and I, we published a paper looking at people's motivations for self expansion, which is basically growing who you are as a person, becoming more diverse and more full and complete and all that kind of thing compared to your similar motivations for self conservation. Basically there's going to be some parts of you that you want to just preserve and retain and have stay the same. And like those motivations apply at different times of life and all these different kinds of things. But I think it is important to recognize that both motivations operate and can operate at the same time. It doesn't have to be, you're either all growth or you're zero growth. Right. Or you're all like stay the same or no stay. It's like they both operate at the same time and that's healthy and that's important because you do kind of, you want to stay the same person in many ways because a lot of the research shows people that change their personality over the course of a year, that's actually very destabilizing and it can lead to a lot of decreased satisfaction. So too much change is bad as well, which I think is a really fantastic point. I'm glad, I'm glad you brought that up.

Cool, man. Well, bring us on to the next, please.

Yeah, so I think, you know, the third reason why you don't really want to become a fixer upper in relationships is most of the time people, when they're trying to fix up a partner. They're trying to fix up a vulnerable partner. Someone, you know with your cartoony voice who's like, okay, I'll just. And it's like, it's somebody who's insecure. It's a partner who doesn't have much confidence. It's a partner who doesn't really know themselves very well. And so they're just easy, easy targets for you to just come in, mold, manipulate, and just, you know, nudge them towards this vision of who you think they should be. And what happens with this is people have researched this exact situation and what they find is people don't like it. Go figure. And they fight back. And the partner who feels vulnerable doesn't like having someone try to force their help on them. They, they fight back and they try to make their partner feel guilty. Like, I don't know why you're doing this to me. Why don't you love me for who I am? Now, if that works, the guilt induction, that person feels better, but then the relationship does worse. If the guilt induction doesn't work, they both feel worse. And so it's like, you can see, like, there's no good outcome there when you're trying to fix and change that vulnerable person. They don't like it and they make you feel bad. And it's like, it doesn't do you good, it doesn't do them good, and it doesn't do the relationship any good. It, which is, yeah, probably the goal.

I, I, I struggle with the word vulnerable just because we usually use the word vulnerable in a positive sense. This is more of like, would you say like a weak partner? Almost.

Easy target.

Easy target. Just for those who are following, they're like, I don't get it. That vulnerability is good. So, yeah, just an easy target kind of.

Yeah.

Weak. Emotionally weak. Is that fair or is that too harsh?

Yeah. Someone who doesn't. I, I think the main thing it comes down to for me is someone who's very unclear about who they are, isn't sure about who they are, isn't confident in who they are in, in those kind of ways.

Yeah. Yeah. And the thing is with all of this, I think the, the, the theme that you're noticing perhaps is that a guy who's confident in who he is as a man who's a high value guy, he's not putting up with any of this bs. He's just not like, try it on me. Go for it. Bring it. Let's see how this, like, and it's not to say, like, we're not open to hearing and things like that, but it's like you try to. You try to change who I am. No, that's not gonna work. This. This whole, like, battleground for, like, control of the relationship and who's gonna do what, like, who I'm gonna be. No, that's just not gonna work.

And then they.

Then they go away. You're not going to be able to.

Retain a great guy, which I think is also really important to look at it from the other direction, because every once in a while that you're going to encounter a guy who wants to do some fixer upping of you, and it's where it's like, no, you establish the boundary. Like, no, no, thanks. I'm good. I like who I am. I'm cool with who I am. Right. And so that. That's important to look at it from that direction as well.

Yeah.

So.

And I just want to. And just. I know we'll move on a second, but I just want to, like, lay in this point. That doesn't mean that we're not open to feedback. You have to have some feedback. You have to have communication and relationships. It's the. When it gets to a level of toxicity where the feedback is constant in order to change someone fundamentally, that's where it becomes a real problem. So it is much more of a spectrum. Gotta be open to feedback. You can't just be like, no, I'm not listening to anything. You gotta listen to some things. We all gotta grow. But just within reason.

Yeah. Slight adjustments instead of major changes. Right. I mean, it's something like that. And I think so. The last reason why this fixer upper strategy is not a good plan is you're just not as good at it as you think you are. Ooh. And that's true for everybody. Like, everybody thinks they're better at things than they think are, and women. Relationships are better at relationships than men. But this business of, like, trying to help somebody change in positive ways is hard. It's hard. It requires skills, experience, knowledge. Adam, you and I both, I. I would say, you know, in the. In the whole population, we have more of these skills than the average bear. Right. It's like we're. We're good at.

I hope so.

I hope so.

It's kind of what we do for a living, so I would hope so. People pay us good money to do it.

Yeah. We are really, really good at doing exactly this kind of thing. But I don't know about you. I don't just go around being like, I know it's good for you. I know it's good for you. Change this. Do this.

Not to my wife. No. Nope, nope, nope. That is the third rail. I do not go. I do not touch that. I do not touch that.

But it just goes to show, like, it's just, even if you have the skills, you don't go around trying to fix people because that's not what you're there for. That's not what that relationship is about. That's not what the expectation is. And we would know what we're doing. But what the research shows is when people try to fix their partners, they're really bad at it. And they use a lot of bad strategies. Now they use a lot of bad strategies that they've seen other people in their life use, perhaps their mom on their dad or their aunt or something like this. But it's like they use really, really bad things like cursing, yelling, and just being angry at their partner. Like, those are really bad. But then there's some not great ones that people also use to try to get their partners to do what they want. Like showing signs of irritation, frustration, putting them down, ridiculing, belittling them, criticizing, insulting, teasing. You can also try to control them by making them feel guilty, having demands, using bribes. That sounds like a nice, but also bad, all bad strategies. And so the research is really clear. Like, you start using those things on your partner, like, you know, bad, nagging, nudging. It sounds like it's going to be productive, but it's not. So all that's bad. And so they also looked at, well, what if people didn't do any of those overtly bad things and they were just really positive, like basic psychological reinforcement strategies, like, your partner does good things and you're like, really over the top. Like, oh my gosh, that was amazing that you asked how my day was good for you. Right? It's better, but it's still not good because it makes a lot of love and affection and your relationship seem conditional, which, again, is a major problem with all this. It's not if you love. If you love me, you change. It's like, you should love me for who I am. I don't need to change in major ways for you to love me.

Well, I want to push back on that final point or maybe clarify a bit. Because positive, like, helping someone lean into their strengths is much easier than trying to fix someone's problems. If a guy starts to be more romantic or does a romantic gesture to tell Him. Wow, that meant so much to me. I really appreciate it. That. That hit my heartstrings in ways that I. I haven't felt in a long time. Thank you. More of that. Like, I love that.

Yeah.

Why would that be bad? Because that, to me, strikes me as a much that he is going to, you know, Pavlov's dog here. He's just going to just want to do more. Like, you know, you give him a little. A little fun in the bedroom. After that, he'll do it a lot more. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's just. So what's. What part of that would be? Maybe we talk about the nuance here.

Sure. So it's a really important clarification, because I think you're right. Positive reinforcement generally is good. Right. You kind of congratulate and reward the things that you want to have happen more. That's absolutely a good thing. And I think in the example you give, it's also a good thing. What it comes down to in terms of that particular research is what's the motivation behind it? So if the motivation behind it is very much, I'm doing this to change you and get you to where I need you to be on this certain thing, then your partner seems to be able to pick up on the fact that it's manipulative. Like, there's a hidden agenda behind it. It's not just like, oh, I really like that you did that. Which seems natural and authentic versus the, like, plotting and planning behind the scenes. Like, if I do enough of this, this, and this, I'm gonna get him, and I'm gonna breadcrumb him through the labyrinth to get him where I need him to go.

Right. So it's like, let's say you want to get your partner to, like, I don't know, work out more or eat better food is like, if your partner eats good food once, you're like, oh, that's great. I'm so glad that you had a salad today. Like, that's great. I'm gonna have one too. That's. I would say, on the positive reinforcement side, good. But if you're like, that's great. Now I really need you to also have broccoli and change this and. Or whatever, you know? Like, I feel like maybe I'm not getting that point across, but maybe there's just, like, a level of taking it too far, perhaps, for.

I think it's too far. And I think it's just like, what are your intentions? Are your intentions authentic? And are you Just authentically giving positive reinforcement. Are you plotting, strategizing behind the scene, trying to get them to do these things? I also would say with your example, you start off and say if you want your partner to work out more. What I would say actually is that's not your job to necessarily want them to work out more. It's. You do want that, perhaps, but it's not your job to get them there. They need to realize it on their own, and there's not much you're going to be able to do effectively to get them there. What you can do, though, is be more fit and active yourself and kind of bring them along with you. And then once they want to do this on their own, then you just support them.

Right.

You don't buy Ben and Jerry's ice cream and stock the freezer with all these bad things. You know, like, I'm not going to buy you a bunch of Sour Patch Kids at the store and just leave them around the house for you to eat pasta for breakfast. I'm not going to provide pasta for breakfast. Right. And there's just things you can do to be supportive about it.

I want my gluten in the morning. Give it to me. Give me the goods. Oh, my God. That's funny. All right, well, take us, Gary, to the headline that you got. Here is the one fixer upper. What is it? The one fixer.

We talk about all the things you should never do. Yes, but, like, I know. I know people listening to this are just dying, like, but I want to. I want to do something. I want to get in there. I want to refurbish something. Here's the one way this fixer upper strategy works. You have my full, like, go for it. Go get it. It's in the department of fashion and style. Your guy needs help.

You guys. We need help. We compared to women in particular, and there's a very. I understand I'm painting with broad strokes here, but men spend almost no time thinking about their clothing, certainly compared to women. And I have coached a lot of men over the years, and we did a lot of stuff on clothing and style for women. I don't touch it because I am not an expert for women. And honestly, women tend to have that pretty well covered. So it's like, it's just one of those things. If he needs help in that department, going shopping with him, sending him stuff, obviously, if he's hesitating, fighting against it, he doesn't want to change his look, he's happy with it. Once again, not much he can really do there. But if he's open, he's like, yeah, I would love to kind of change my look. Go ham. Go for it. Because I'm sure he would lean in pretty quickly. And I've seen a lot of makeovers for guys that women have facilitated that have gone very well.

I. I know for a fact one of our clients had this experience with a guy she was dating. Like, everything was great about him. There were just certain stylistic things. She's like, I don't know. I don't know if I can. I can keep dating this guy. I think that. I think I just need to end it. I was like, whoa, you're talking about the one thing that's wrong, which is literally the easiest thing in the world to fix compared to all the other. Like, he was a good communicator. Everything, everything. All the major boxes were checked. He just was kind of sloppy.

God, he must have been a schlep. I mean, really, he must have been bad.

It was a haircut. It was, like, some clothing things, but it was like, no, no, don't give up on. Like, this is the one to help. Like, this is the time to step in and try to make some. Make some moves, because. And this is why this one's okay. It's because this is the one area where guys know they need help and they welcome it. And so it doesn't even have to be explicit to be like, you know what? I saw this. This shirt. Like, I think you would look really good in this. This kind of shirt. I think you would look just really handsome in that. Every guy's gonna be like, huh. Handsome. You said handsome. Huh? I'm in. I'm in. Right?

That's great.

Super simple. So, I mean, there's a lot of fixing up that you really can't do, shouldn't do, should never try. But when it comes to fashion and style with your guy, I say go for it. They're going to welcome the help, and you're gonna be a lot happier for it.

Yeah. Yeah.

And.

And just kind of like, wrapping all this up. The thing I like most about this kind of new way of looking at relationships is that if you truly decide you're not going to try and fix people suddenly now, you won't allow yourself to fall into relationships that don't sue you. Right. Like, you. If you have this belief system that you can just fix every guy, what are you gonna do? You're gonna stay in it for way longer than you should. But if you're like, you Know what? I'm not gonna fix anyone. I'm just gonna take them for who they are. And it's either I want to lean more into this or I want to lean back. I don't want any interest. And it just kind of gives you that permission to walk away from people who are not going to be good for you long term.

I love that. Love it. Because it means you're. You're sticking to a standard and going back to something I said at the very, very beginning. You're not a rehabilitation center for broken and troubled men. That's not your job. You're a full, complete person who has an amazing life. Your guy partner should be a full and complete person. Also has an amazing life. And the whole point is you just get to share it together.

Love it. Thanks, Gary. Appreciate it, man.

Sure thing.

All right, so now we're at the end of the podcast, and hopefully you got a lot of really great information from this podcast. But as we know, information can only take you so far. It's time to take some action. So what I recommend you do now is head on over to loveapply.com it's going to walk you through a series of questions, and then you'll be able to book what we call a complimentary love strategy session. Yes, you've heard it. Someone on my team going to get on a phone call with you, be able to understand your situation, what it is that you're struggling with in your love life, and create that strategy to help you attract that man, that relationship you truly deserve. So take that action. Go make it happen. We cannot wait to speak with you, loveapply.com and yeah, let's help you create that love life you truly deserve. All right, speak soon. Bye. Bye.