Keep Attracting Narcissists? Here's Why

If you want to avoid the trap of the narcissistic partner, you don't want to stop dating these guys. You know, having it go great for a little while, only to have it come crashing down in a month or so when you see who they really are. You know, just remember three things. Don't be an easy target. Don't collect trophies, and make sure you see the neediness. That really is what narcissism is all about.

Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast, where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else. Backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences, your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. All right, Gary, it feels very fitting that today of all days, we're going to be talking about narcissism, because I happen to be celebrating the most narcissistic of all days. Can you guess what that is?

It's going to be the anniversary of your birth.

The anniversary of my birth. It is my birthday today. So we're going to talk about my favorite subject, which is narcissism. And again, because it's my birthday and it's all about me, then we're going to approach this topic in a way that I like, which. Which is all about a little bit of tough love on this front because I think there's a lot of misnomers when it comes to narcissism. So why don't you set it up for us, Gary?

Sure. I mean, I. I think the fun thing with narcissism is it's one of those classic dating situations where what you think you want isn't actually good for you. And so the narcissist they present, you see them out in the world. They're charismatic, they're charming, they're confident. I mean, who doesn't want a partner like that? This is somebody who commands a room. They're magnetic, they're amazing, they're exceptional. And guess what? They know it. And so anyone who has ever been involved with someone who's narcissist, narcissistic, right? They know that it starts out amazing, but it very quickly turns awful. It turns into power plays, controlling behavior, being self important. They're blameless. It's never Their fault. And so, you know, the question a lot of women have when they come to us, they're like, are some people just more likely to attract these time bomb types of guys? And the answer is yes. And we're going to talk today about who's more at risk and more importantly, perhaps is a simple strategy to avoid falling into this trap.

Yeah. And you know, it's interesting as you're saying all of those things, as a dating coach and being in the dating coaching industry, you know what I found to be really interesting about many, many dating coaches out there is that they tend to actually have a lot of narcissistic traits, which is super interesting. I've done a lot of thinking on this and I was like, perhaps in order to say that you are a coach on love or you're an expert on love, perhaps you need to be a little narcissistic. And I don't tend to think that I'm super narcissistic, but that's what all narcissists say. So I don't know. You tell me, Gary.

No, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't think you are. You're actually a very down to earth guy. I mean, even on today of all narcissistic days of your birthday, you are not a narcissistic guy.

Thanks for saying happy birthday. Appreciate it, buddy, whatever.

So I will, I will say, like, so you know, this is one of those dating problems that feels quite common. So, you know, if you had to like ballpark it, like, just generally speaking, like, what percentage of clients do you think out there in the dating world deal with narcissistic guys?

I would venture to say that about 90% of our clients who join Love Accelerator and work with us have dealt with a narcissistic man or what they, they at least thought was a narcissistic guy. Right.

That's an important distinction.

Yeah, absolutely. So it's a huge, huge percentage of our clients who come in who are dealing with this problem.

Yeah. And I think, you know that that distinction is important. So let me just kind of put on my researcher hat here for a second just to say that, you know, we have to be really careful when we're talking about personality traits because narcissism is a, is a clinical diagnosis. Like, that's a personality disorder. And certainly, like, people shouldn't play armchair psychologists and start going around diagnosing people. So I think what people casually throw around is like, you're narcissistic. He was narcissistic it's really like they're talking about somebody who's full of themselves. Are some of those guys actually clinically diagnosable as narcissistic? Sure, I'm sure they are, but. But we probably over index for the number of guys are actually narcissistic. But everything we're going to talk about today still applies. I mean, when we talk about narcissism today, just know it's like this collection of traits. We're not necessarily talking about a clinical diagnosis.

Yeah. I mean, I just think of how. And this is. This is an exception to the rule, but sometimes a client will come in. I'd say like one in a 100 who's like. Every single guy I've ever been with since age 12 to age 64 has been a total narcissist. It's always been about him. It's never been about me. Him, him, him, him, him. And I just think to myself, h. Interesting. You ever looked in the mirror?

Well, we're going to get to that. We're going to get to that. Tough love.

Oh, I'm getting ahead of it.

All right.

That's the. That's the tough love part of today.

So I want to start with just a little bit of, like, empathy. Right. Because as much as this is a problem, and it is a real problem problem for women, because everything you've been taught your whole life about who you should date, what the qualities and guys you should look for, they're all, they. They fall into a lot of these narcissistic qualities. Like, you want this confident, tough, strong guy who's attractive. And here's the thing. I was digging into the research about this. The research shows on average, narcissistic people are actually more physically attractive. So it's like a chicken and egg thing. Like, which came first? Are they narcissistic, then got more attractive to kind of back it up, or were they attracted and they're like, hey, look at me. But it's. It's kind of this trap where it's like, you. You want this strong, confident guy who's attractive, like, who doesn't want that? But then eventually that choice betrays you because they're not all that they're cracked up to be. And they're not all cracked up that, that they're. They're not who they. Who they present themselves to be, I should say. But like, a lot of people around you don't see it. Right. They just see your partner when they're on. Right. And they're like, amazing. And your friends are like, oh, Chad is just awesome. And you're like, you don't know, like, Chad? But I don't know. I picked Chad. I don't know.

Chad is such a narcissistic name. He just ranks the room, and it's so dominant. He's so charismatic, and he can just work the room, and everyone's like, oh, my God, that Chad. Oh, my God, he is amazing. But then he gets home, and, dear God, help you the hell that you have to live through.

Yeah. And then you, like, you know, I'm sure, like, it just makes people second guess it. Like, am I the problem? Like, am I being too critical here? Like, is there something about me? And so I. I think that's an important thing to consider because, you know, people who end up with these partners, like you were saying, like, some of these women will say, like, over and over and over again. It's like, how. How does this happen? Why does this happen? And so you want to. You want to dive into that a little bit about, like, who sets himself up for this?

Yeah, of course. Let's. Let's dive into it, please. You, my friend, you're doing great. This is. This is, like, your domain. So I'm. Let you. You lead this man.

Oh, my gosh.

I have.

I have so much research about this to share that I'm gonna share about 10 of it, and hopefully that's still. That's not too much. But.

Stop narcissistic Gary, okay? This isn't all about you and your research, okay? It's my day.

Okay. All right, fine.

So let's jump into it.

There are two main reasons that you keep ending up with a narcissist. The first is you're the kind of partner that they want. And if that sounds like a little like. Yes, they basically target you. Like a narcissist will target a certain kind of partner. What kind of partner is that?

How is that?

Like, first, it's somebody who's very vulnerable, right? So you might be vulnerable because of past traumas, bad relationship experiences, maybe because your attachment style or just low confidence, but, like, you're just willing to put up with their nonsense. Like, you're basically, like, inviting the toxicity in and you blame yourself along the way.

Yeah, Right.

So obviously bad. That's not an ideal situation.

They prey on the weak, right? They. They can't get a. They can't get away with this with a woman who has good head on her shoulders, who's confident, who's just. She's experienced Healthy relationships. She comes from a family with healthy relationships. They're just going to not put up with this after two or three months of. Once they really see who this guy is. But it's the. The woman who is lacking in confidence, who doesn't see herself as worthy of a great relationship, then suddenly, it's only when she's with a narcissist that suddenly she feels like, oh, this is what it's supposed to be. Like, someone is supposed to treat me poorly. Right. Maybe it's consciously or subconsciously.

Well, it's like you said, you know, there are those women that said, I've, you know, I've dated this guy over and over and over again. And like, to some degree, if that has been your experience over and over, it just calibrates your expectations lower and lower so that you start thinking this is normal. Like, this is just how guys are. And it's just not. Guys are not like this. And, you know, so partly is a figuring out kind of like what's going on with you. And, you know, some of those things are, you know, some of that attachment stuff, those past relationship stuff, those patterns that stuff you can work on is going to take a little bit more time. Another sort of more easily manageable trait that narcissists look for is they really want someone who admires them, who, like, adores them. And so if you're the type of woman who's really good at giving positive words of affirmation, like, really, like, hyping their partner up, you're so wonderful. The world is just a better place with you in it. Thank God, Adam, you were born on this day. Like, you are just a star among stars. Like the research shows, like narcissists, that's who they're looking for. They want that partner who's super positive about them, admires them. And sadly, like, they also are looking for people like that because they're going to. Less likely. They're not going to want as much emotional intimacy.

Maybe this is why I'm not a narcissist as a dating coach, because Jessica doesn't do those things. She's actually like, dude, get off your high horse. Come back down if I'm ever talking, like, anything. No, don't do, like, in a. In a fun, playful, positive way, by the way. But there is something to that. Where the ultimate givers. I'm curious how your wife is like, with that, like, if you ever get kind of a big head, does she kind of just like, ground you a little bit and is like, dude, you're not all you're cracked up to be. All right? Your TED Talk. No one cares.

I'm like, honey, do you know, like, million. She's like, no one cares. Like, I mean, do you know any of those people? Like, she. She is the least impressed by anything I've ever done in some way. Now, authentically, she probably is, but, like, she just doesn't. Like, she's not going to feed into it because it is like, you. I don't know, like, numbers. Like, when I, like, oh, I had an article, like, a million people read this article. I'm like, that's cool, right? She's like, yeah, that's like. And my wife's the nicest person. She's like, that's cool. But she's not. Like, you're amazing.

Yeah. Yeah.

And the fact is, like, that kind of feedback, like, every once in a while, like, you'll get that, like, in a comment or someone will say, it makes me deeply uncomfortable.

Same, same. And I dated a woman that was like that, who doted and was just. Everything I did was amazing. And she was such a giver, like, in all ways. And I could, like, that repelled me, actually. And I have a feeling that. I don't know.

I don't.

I haven't kept track of where she's going, but she would be a narcissist magnet because she just loves to give and give and give and just put someone up on the pedestal. So a narcissist is like, oh, this is my home. This feels right to me. This feels good. Whereas guys like you and I are like, ah, I don't like that. I. I'd like to be grounded again. I need to be told, like, you know, and. And my wife's the same way. Jessica is the same way. Like, she. She gives the compliments when, like. And when you get a good compliment from Jessica, like, it means so much. It's very authentic. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. I mean, it's like all that level of adoration is cringy, and it's like an impossible standard that everybody knows. Like, nobody's that perfect except for their narcissist is like, I might be. That's so, you know, good for you for noticing. Thank you.

Hey there, ladies. As you can see, we're just getting this podcast off the ground. And since we don't run any ads, I only have one quick favor to ask in return. Can you just take a quick second right now, pause this episode, and just leave us a review wherever it is that you're listening to the podcast really help us out a lot, and it really does spread the love and I think the world needs a little bit more of that. So I appreciate you. Now let's get back to the show.

And so, you know, some of those words of affirmation and that admiration part of it's just tied to, you know, we're talking about the kind of person that's like a narcissist magnet. You're just too nice. Right. And so, like, you think that person is great, and when they start showing some of their not so great qualities, you just make excuses like, oh, they'll eventually come around. Like, yeah, they're acting a little entitled and they're blaming me and they're asking me why I'm always the problem. But, like, they'll eventually come around because at first they didn't seem like this. And so you just assume, like, eventually all is going to be right in the world. And, you know, true narcissists, it's, it's kind of, you know, it's a little hardwired in some ways. Like, they've been like this for quite some time, decades perhaps. So to hope that they're going to change quickly, not. Not a good bet to make.

Yeah. And they can be extremely manipulative in that once they get the hook in you. So they, they have this amazing first act. They seem giving and so on and so forth. They hook you in, start falling for them, and you become that giver. And then if you start pulling away at all or start to realize, oh, this person's not right for me, they might then change for a short period of time because they're highly manipulative people. But then once they got you back again, oh, dear God, does it go right? It's just this vicious cycle. They go right back into the narcissistic tendencies. And so that's why it can be extremely difficult to leave these situations. Even if, you know, the rational side of you is like, what am I doing? What am I doing here? They just have a way of always knowing how to bring you back in and making your life truly miserable.

Yeah, there's definitely a push pull to it. And it's like they, it's like you just said, like, they definitely know how to kind of like be the puppeteer and manipulate things. Right. Because they're really good at like, grand gestures and like doing just amazing over the top things. And like, those moments in your relationship are gonna feel amazing, but you have to realize, like, those are moments, like what is typical Right. Like what, what's, what's actually going on most of the time and ignore like those blips where things are really amazing. Because that's not how long term happy relationships are built. It's not built on like the rare. It's, it's, it's built on the consistent, on the reliable.

Right.

The one other piece about this, about who narcissists are looking for and kind of a way that women will set themselves up for this a little bit. It's just simply, they like it. They like being that doting partner. They like this idea of like, oh, my partner is a little bit narcissistic. Like, I like them being like amazing and helping them and being supportive. Because when you're being supportive, you get to be a good girlfriend. Like, you get to be a good partner. Like I get to like just do things for them, help them, support them, hype them up. Like, that feels like you're doing a lot of the things that we.

Oh, it feels so good to be able to do that and just give and give and give.

Oh my gosh, you give, give, give. They appreciate it. You're like, look at me, I'm doing a great job. And you get to be with a great partner. So there is some feedback loop there too for the person involved where it's like you feel, you do feel like you're doing something. You're being very active in the relationship. You feel like you're working at it. And like sometimes there are people who just like to feel like they're really working at things and, and this plays right into that.

Yeah, yeah, it's kind of like, it's just like a magnet. It's like the narcissists love it, so they're pulling you in and you love to give and it's just this perfect magnetic attraction between the two of you that feels so good, especially at first. But as time goes on, things start to get a little bit hairy and you know, suddenly that balance is no longer just this beautiful magnet, just becomes a soul crushing, horrific hell hole of a relationship that truly is going to cause you to want to work with us honestly and never have to repeat that again. So I hope that you don't experience that, of course, but hopefully this gives you some insight about these people.

You, you paint quite the picture with your words, which. It's an accurate one.

Hell hole of a relationship, I gotta say. You know, just on personal terms, I actually have never dated what I would consider to be a narcissist or I. It just so to. When I speak about these things, I'm actually not speaking from firsthand experience. It's mostly because we just worked with. I looked the other day. We've had over 45,000 clients over the past 10 years, and this is a very common issue. So in some ways, like, I'm actually not that emotionally attached to what I'm saying, because I've really never experienced it, but I have seen just so many of our clients go through this, and so I do understand the ramifications that it has. Have you ever dated what you consider.

You know, when you said that, I was like, huh, Have I. I mean, there's one candidate I have in mind that's a potential, but I don't think it was elevated enough. I think it, you know, like, you kind of said, like, where are they now? Kind of thing. I kind of wonder. But I don't think it was quite to the level where, like, yeah, it wasn't experiencing any of these kinds of things. But, like, to your point, so many of the women that we talk to experience this stuff because the narcissists are good at drawing people in, right? It's that magnetism thing that I talked about right at the beginning is it's. They. They bring in the women, and, you know, they cast a wide net, and they can. They're attractive.

So. So, ladies, now that we've drawn you in with all this narcissistic talk that makes you feel like, oh, my God, all these men, they're the problem. Now we're going to switch it up, and let's take a real look in the mirror. How about that? Gary, what do you think?

We. We've.

We've hooked them in, and you got to stay for the rest of this podcast because if you leave at this point, you are narcissist.

Only a narcissist would leave right now.

Only a narcissist would not. Listen to the next five to ten minutes of this podcast because this is very important, and this is really going to be a huge something people don't talk about in this space. So let's jump into it.

Gary. I. I've never seen anybody talk about this. And this is. This part's actually going to be based on some real recent research that just came out. But this is what we call a little tough love, right? So we actually have a tradition in our program, Tough Love Tuesday, where we ask the women, say, like, hey, if you want a little tough love, just a little bit of, like, maybe something you don't want to hear but you need to hear ask us and we are going to provide that for you. So before war comes. So the tough love about narcissism. And remember, like, this is research supported. I'll get to the research in just a second. But the idea is that the reason why you're attracting narcissists is ready because you actually have a fair number of narcissistic traits.

You yourself, mic drop.

Narcissists attract narcissists, narcissists tolerate narcissists up to a point until their narcissism outpaces yours, right? And then it's like, what's up with them? But to get to the research on this, there actually research was done. 150 couples measured both partners on narcissism. When one partner was high in narcissism, the other partner tended to be as well. When one partner was low on narcissism, the other person tended to be as well. Like, so what, Adam, I were just describing about our. Why is like both of them, I mean, super low, super low narcissist, which bodes well for us in terms of our actual level of narcissism. The other interesting thing in that same study is they found that narcissistic women thought they were more intelligent than they were, but narcissistic women actually were intelligent. Right? So narcissistic women tend to be higher level intelligence than low narcissists, but still think they're even more intelligent than they actually are. And so that is like, I mean, that's the epitome of narcissism, right? It's like we, you might be good at some things, but you actually like think you're even better than you are.

We've met a, I've certainly met a quite a few people like that. Uh, that's for sure. And, and so are men. Not the same way. On that front. Are men are, are narcissistic men actually also dumb? Basically?

It's a good question. And in that particular study, they didn't find any like statistically significant associations with the men. Um, it just happened to be with the women. Um, but the narcissistic women did look for men that they thought were particularly intelligent, which makes sense. Right? It's like you want to be. And this is, this is the other part where like narcissists attract narcissists, where it totally makes sense. There's a huge literature in social psychology about the importance of similarity and attraction. And so essentially you're going to look for people who are a lot like Yourself. And so if you have these narcissistic tendencies where it's like, you like a lot of attention and you're charismatic and like art, wouldn't you want a partner who's kind of like that?

Yeah, that sounds great.

Sure. Of course you would. It's like, they're just like me. I like me. Who's better than me? No one. Except for they're pretty close because they're just like me.

Right. I mean, we also date people who are on the same intellectual level. Like, narcissism aside, people date for those who are on the same intellectual level, typically. And I think that there's a lot of research that supports that as well. So it may be unrelated as well, you know.

Yeah, I mean, I think it is a broader phenomenon, for sure.

Yeah.

But I think, you know, when it comes to narcissism, people just think, like, oh, it's their fault. Like, it's very much. I had a narcissistic partner without really kind of recognizing what is generating that. And some of it is, you know, we attract the energy that we're putting out into the world. Like, if we're putting out, like, those narcissistic vibes ourselves, someone else is going to see that, recognize, and be like, huh. Not only does that sound similar to me, but it kind of like, validates and normalizes how I feel.

Right.

I don't seem like the ways I'm narcissistic don't seem so odd when I get to compare it to somebody else. Like, so much of what we do psychologically is this idea of social comparison where we can make ourselves feel good about anything we do, as long as we find somebody who's a little bit more extreme on that same tree. So, you know, I'm not saying, like, if you're attracted to narcissists, you, like, you're the world's worst narcissist. This research is saying you have some of those tendencies, so you're finding a partner that's up here. So it's like you recognize they're more narcissistic, but, like, guess what? Like, you're still a little bit there, too. And so, like, don't let that comparison fool you, because it makes you feel good. The social comparison always makes you feel good. It just doesn't solve any problems.

Yeah, right. For example, let's say every time you go to a restaurant, you need to take 45 pictures of yourself and your food and make sure that everyone in the restaurant knows it. Let's say you're that type of a person. Then you meet a guy who likes to take 55 photos of himself and really makes a big deal of it. You're going to be like, huh, we have so much in common. We're so similar. He might be a little bit more extreme than me, but, like, okay, he might be a little narcissistic and like, but I'm good. And like, no, both of you are obnoxious. Pull it back. I wonder, can we do a study on social media influencers? Because I'm pretty sure only, like, a true social media influencer could date another social media influencer. The. The. My definition of the worst relationship in the world would be dating a social media influencer. I just. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it.

Well, who else would tolerate that, right? Like, everyone else would be like, this is nuts. Like, how if you're filming all this.

No one cares about you and your stupid photos. I mean, I guess people do if you really have a big following, but. Oh, God, sadly, plenty of.

Plenty of people care. But should they? I mean, that's a whole other thing. So the other part, it actually kind of funny. You bring up the social media influencer thing and the couples that are involved in that because you kind of need this person that's kind of aligned with you on these goals, right? And so there's something. There's this, like, phenomenon, like the trophy partner syndrome, right? Where it's like, if you're narcissistic, your partner can't just be any partner because you're too good to just have any partner. You need to have, like, partner. Like, you need somebody way up there because it's like you can kind of like convince yourself of, like, these really good things. Like, well, know, a players like to be with other A players. Like, and I'm an A person, so I need another A person. And sure, okay. I mean, that kind of goes back to similarity, but it's also this idea that, like, it reflects well on you. And there's other research, this research happened to me from Thailand that just shows that narcissistic people like people who, like, admire them, but they also like partners who are high status because that high status partner reflects well on them. Like, you kind of get the bask in the. We call it. There's a social psychology term. See, I told you I was going to nerd out today. Basking in the reflected glory. And so your partner is really good. You get to be with them. Like, all of a sudden, like, our identities are intertwined we get to be a power couple. We get to kind of be together and like, look at us.

Yeah, right, Right. So I'm sure men who probably are really flashy, make a lot of money, really like to show it off. They are probably also magnets for narcissistic females in that sense. And just, you know, just look at me and look at this guy. Oh, my God, he has a private jet, by the way. I'm not. I'm not judging, going after a guy. When it comes to wealth and status, we actually talk a lot about that. And Love Accelerator. It's just when it gets to an unhealthy place where that's all you care about and you're willing to look past all of his horrific tendencies of being a total asshole behind closed doors, about not caring about you whatsoever and all the other tendencies that go along with it. So. Yeah, it's all. Makes so much sense. God, it's crazy.

Yeah. And so, you know, there's these reasons why you end up with these kind of partners. Right. And that's. It'd be terrible just to kind of leave it off with that. So, you know, like, we always do. We're going to give a little bit of strategy of how to avoid this.

Yeah.

And so how do you avoid attracting these narcissistic guys or finding these narcissistic guys attraction attractive? It really comes down to a sort of a mindset shift. And part of what that mindset shift involves is like, see narcissism for what it really is. It's not impressive. It's not. The narcissists aren't super great. What they actually are is needy. And so they're needy of attention, they're needy of validation. They're needy of, you know, your admiration, adulation. And it's like they need all this stuff now. When you start thinking of it that way, it's like high maintenance, diva, unattractive. Like, do you want to date a needy guy? Because there's nothing more unattractive than neediness.

Right. But they're like, here's a new term of the day. They're sneaky needy. There's. They're needy in a different way because when you think of a needy guy, it's the guy who gives you a ton of unearned affection. Like gives you flowers and. And you're not really sure about him yet. And like, he's trying so hard to just get you to like him. I guess it's little love bomber. Yeah.

Yeah.

I guess I'm trying to create a Difference between the needy guy who's like the good guy and he's just trying hard. He's like, wearing his heart on his sleeve versus the narcissist. I guess they kind of both. They are both incredibly needy. But this, the narcissist is sneaky needy because he's still confident. He's got his. He appears to have his together. He is likable, but he's also extremely needy in other ways. In that. In all the. The ways that you just mentioned in that.

And that guy, the guy you're describing, if you said he was needy, would be pissed. Like, he would never admit it, because he would. He doesn't see it as neediness, like him telling you you're amazing and perfect and all these things early on in your relationship that have no real basis. That's needy because he's desperate for your approval. And so he's trying to get you on the hook, get you get that approval. But that's needy behavior. A guy who's not needy knows, like, eventually you're going to like him for who he is. He doesn't have to do all these grand gestures, all these showy kinds of things. It's like, you're going to like me for me. And that's the definition of not needy.

And it. And a guy who is not needy will be like, you'll like me for who I am. And if you don't, I don't care. I'm going to move on to the next. That's true confidence and a narcissistic. A narcissistic guy can't have that. It's. He can't because he cares so much about what you think. There's no way he could walk away. He would probably have sleepless nights wondering, how could you not like me? And it all comes from this incredibly false sense of confidence and deep insecurity about who they are as a person.

And as soon as you don't give that narcissistic person what they need, it's just like that. It's your fault. You're the problem. And that's. That's the switch that we talked about before is like, you know, this relationship starts off so good, goes from awesome to awful, and it's like a betrayal of your expectations. But, you know, this seeing it as neediness, we talked a second ago, and a little bit of the tough love, like, if you're. If you have narcissistic tendencies yourself, you attract these kind of guys. You also have to do a little, you know, introspection here, like, in what ways are you needy? In what ways are, you know, what neediness are you kind of subverting and expressing in these narcissistic types of ways? Because you want to get this corrected in yourself as well. Because then you're going to see it more clearly in others and realize it. It's not a great thing.

Yeah, I mean, what validation are you constantly seeking from men? Like, what are you really looking for? And I mean, I think we go through different phases of life, different seasons of life. Like I would say I was, of all the seasons of life that I was most narcissistic, it would be in my late 20s where I was like, very much so looking for validation. I did care about making sure people knew that I was successful. Yet in subtle ways I would go after a certain type of woman. And then I think this is just growth where I realized that none of that shit matters really doesn't matter. And no one cares. No one cares. And it's not making me happy going after anything like that. And that is. So the good news is, I think that if you're aware of this and if you're still listening, you are not likely, and this is armchair psychology right here, you're likely not a true narcissist because they wouldn't stay around to this.

You've been pissed off. Yeah, you would have been pissed off and turned this off long ago.

Yeah, but we all have narcissistic tendencies in some way, shape or form. And just being aware of the validation that we seek from others and if we're finding that that's how we're dating, is to seek validation from high powered men, then take a look at that for what it really is. It's silly. It's silly. And it's not setting you up for long term success in your relationships. Because if you're always chasing that short term cocaine high from that guy who's got all the cool stuff, and I mean that in the literal and figurative sense. Okay. If you're with types of guys, hey, you're probably doing a lot of lines. Okay? But no, don't do that. I, I don't know what I'm talking about here. But you, you look, when we're chasing for, for that validation, it gets us nowhere. And I think that there's an easy mindset shift. I certainly went through it myself, where you just realized it's not bringing me anything. Any validation I get, it's fleeting, I don't care. The next day I'm just looking for more Validation. So once you kind of let that go and go more like the Buddhist monk way of dating, of. Of just being and bringing your best self to every interaction, every person, Even if someone doesn't give you that adoration back, that's okay. You brought your best self, and if someone doesn't like you, that's okay. Move on to the next and find someone who. Who is into you. If you can bring that mindset, I think that that is how you can break the curse of dating with narcissistic tendencies.

Yeah, it's all about compatibility and, like, you know, them liking you authentically for who you are, you know, as. As we also do, you know? So we said there was a strategic shift you can make in terms of mindset. There's also a few, like, practical things just to kind of look for. If you're like, I don't really know how to identify these narcissistic guys. One of the big ones, some of the bad signs. Right? So if you see guys who act entitled, they're constantly blaming other people. They have lots of stories about how they were wronged or treated unfairly, always have bad luck, and, like, the world's kind of, like, out to get them. Those are signs. There's also one thing that I think is the most common thing that narcissistic guys will say in a relationship context. It's something along the lines of, all of my exes are crazy.

You beat me to the punch on this one.

Did I get you?

I was gonna. That was literally what I was just gonna say. All of my exes are freaking crazy. Drop a different F bomb there. If they are saying that and they've had more than maybe. Okay, if you've had only one X in your life and she was effing crazy, okay, that's fine. That's one data point. But if it's 10, it's five. Look in the mirror. Take a look in the mirror.

You know that that's a classic line. And it's. So it can be that about them blaming their exes, but it's that general theme of blaming others and not taking responsibility. That's classic narcissist. And so if you want to look for some of the good signs, you look for somebody who's kind and caring, supportive of others, very generous of spirit, isn't looking to take credit for things. Like, it's that person who's perfectly content doing good things and no one ever knowing about it. Like, no narcissist ever has made an anonymous donation.

Right.

Like, it's just something simple like that. The other thing, you know. And so in early conversations, what I suggest to kind of feel out some of these narcissistic tendencies is asking deeper questions, like, get away from the small talk stuff. Ask something like, what's a failure? That has defined you. So do they have one? And then when they talk about it, pay attention. Are they taking responsibility? Whose fault was it? You could ask something like, hey, you know, I know nobody's perfect. So, like, how does that apply to you? It's going to be a tough question for the narcissist of the world. So asking things like that, asking more point in smart, strategic questions is going to help get you the information that you want.

Yeah. And we really get to know anyone. Remember with all this stuff, you really get to know someone once they start to take that, what we call the dating mask off. And that can take some time. These people can be highly manipulative in the first month usually, and then from there you start to see signs. And this is why we recommend moving slow throughout this period. Don't just jump in when you meet that tall, handsome, charismatic guy who owns the room and seems to have everything put together perfectly. Give it some time, pace it. That is your greatest weapon throughout all of this is just moving slow. Because once you get in bed with one of these guys and you move in with them and you start to really create a life with this person, they make it extremely hard to get out of.

Yeah, I mean, there's. There's no replacement for moving slow, collecting more information. And like, you know, if you can have a couple of strategies in your back pocket to kind of get to some of those other things, like a narcissist isn't going to want to talk about vulnerabilities and problems and that they don't want to talk about it, they're going to be distracting with other kinds of activities. And so, like, accelerate that price. Don't be afraid to ask those kinds of questions. And every once in a while women say like, oh, I don't want to ask that. And it's like they don't want to ask it because then that might potentially burst the bubble of what seems like a really great thing. But you're going to find out eventually. Like, I mean, the mask always drops at some point, so you might as well find out this kind of thing sooner rather than later.

Definitely. And just a final thought on all of this, something we say a lot in Love Accelerator and the work we do with our clients is that you don't attract the wrong men. Like a lot of women will say, I constantly attract narcissists. I attract the wrong men. You don't attract anyone. You choose the wrong men. And that's the first step, is taking ownership of your own love life, because you are the common denominator of every relationship you've been in. And until you deeply take that ownership, like, truly, and don't brush it off and don't say, oh, it's men, or I keep attracting these guys, because, you know, whatever, whatever. Insert any reason you can possibly think of until you were like, I choose the wrong men. Until you get to that point, you're gonna repeat the same patterns. So it's up to you to break that pattern and really take full control of your love life. That's what having a strategy is all about, is being intentional about your choices and where you put your energy. Teenagers, they're the types who are like, oh, they just go with every impulse. Oh, he's cute. He's handsome. He seems to have his stuff together. Oh, I'm gonna do that. That's how teenagers date. Adults date with a strategy. And I don't say that in a condescending way, but, I don't know, we're tough love, and it's my birthday, so I feel like I could say that however I want. And so there's a choice, right? Like, date with intentionality. Date with the strategy. Think through your choices, move slow, and just remember, you choose. You are the full chooser of your love life every single step of the way. And once you take that ownership, man, that's actually quite empowering, because now you can choose. Go in a different direction.

Yeah. So, you know, to. To wrap this up, if you want to avoid the trap of the narcissistic partner, you don't want to stop dating these guys. You know, having it go great for a little while, only to have it come crashing down in a month or so when you see who they really are. You know, just remember three things. Don't be an easy target. Don't collect trophies. And make sure you see the neediness. That really is what narcissism is all about. And, you know, just as a one final thought, remember, strong people attract strong partners. And so, you know, it's. It's up to you to take ownership and be that strong person.

Amen. Thanks, Gary.

Yep. Thanks, Adam.

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