Love Languages: Do they even matter?

All right, Gary, today we're going to be talking about love languages. And Jess and I were actually just talking about this eating dinner before this podcast today, and I asked her what her love language was, and I already knew, and that's quality time. And then I said, jess, what's my love language? And she's like, I know, I knew this, I know, I know this, but I forget. I'm like, aha. That's the problem with the love languages. Everyone always knows their own love language, but they forget their partner's love languages. That is, that is a pattern I've noticed many times with love languages. And honestly, I actually forgot her love language, which is maybe we're just a terrible couple. I don't know. You tell me. But, Gary, I have known you for a very long time. At this point, I don't even know your love language, dude. What's yours?

I would say I don't. I'm not even sure I know mine. I mean, it's, it's like, you know, it's, you know, like you quizzing, like, knowing your own, like once you kind of figure it out, maybe, like, I've actually never bothered to figure out because, you know, as we're kind of get into it, it's like, you know, we talk about different titles for this podcast and one of them we threw around was like, our love language is for real. Like, they might be bs. And so I've never actually taken the plunge to figure out my love language, but I think when you're asking your partner about it, one about, you know, trying to figure out what your partner is, one of the hard things is like, just remembering what they all are. Right. So there's five love languages. It's probably worth, you know, if you gave, you gave a multiple choice question, you would probably get that answer, right? I. I would guess just by kind of knowing your partner so well. Yeah, but. So, you know, just, just for the record, the five love languages are. And this is actually an order. There's a very recent study just came out in 2022. This is the ranked order of what people were the most. So the most common love language people have is quality time. So that's like how much time you spend together, listening, communicating, that kind of thing. So that's the most popular love language. Number two is physical touch. I don't think I need to explain that one. Three is acts of service. So like doing things for your partner, running errands, helping them out with, with things around the house, or just, you know, running an Errand for them, going to grab something at the store. Number four is words of affirmation. Words of affirmation is just, you know, complimenting them, showing appreciation. And then the last one is, that's.

Me, by the way. Give me some love anytime and I'll have my heart. I'm words of affirmation all day long. But I think most men are words of affirmation. I just have a theory on that. So, sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you, but just so you know, it's funny.

Like.

Please.

Yeah, I mean, I think you're right. I'd say words of affirmation, I think is a big one. I think some of this, this is all self report data, right? And so we're going to talk about some studies and things that have looked at this and it's all self report. And so when it comes to. Obviously, one of the problems with self report is like you say, most men are words of affirmation. Are they? Or is that what they say they are like? Or are they really. Is it really physical touch for every guy? And they just kind of know, like, if I say it's physical touch, that's going to cause problems.

Right.

Do you think it's really words of affirmation?

It's interesting. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I mean, I guess before we dive into our thoughts on this, I mean, as far as where this comes from, it comes from this guy, Dr. Gary Chapman. He is a PhD. As are you, of course.

And.

And you know, and I think I cut you off with that final one when you were talking about the five love language. What's the least popular one? Is it receiving gifts?

The least popular one is receiving gifts. But you know, again, it kind of goes back to like, is that the really least popular? Is that. Does everyone just know that that's the one that you shouldn't want to say? That is your thing.

I love gifts.

Bring.

Bring them on, baby. Bring them on.

I mean, everybody does, but it's like, it sounds unromantic and it's like, you ought to be that person. It's like, you know what? Forget words of affirmation. Forget about doing stuff. Just buy me things.

Right? Okay, So I think it sounds like we both are skeptical of love languages. I mean, I talk about love languages once people get to little love step six and seven, because I think there's some value there. I think there's a lot more value in attachment styles, that's for sure. But let's just Talk quickly about kind of the origin of this and you might know a little bit more like, who is this Dr. Gary Chapman guy? Do you know much about him and his research? Is this founded? Because I know he has ties to his religious background. To me that always. And he's a pastor. Right. So that sometimes raises red flags in my eyes. Not to say that people who are religious can't have scientific basis on their, their, you know, with their research and what they produce. But that certainly is a starting point of a concern. Do you know much about him overall?

The thing I know for sure is he's got a really great first name. So I know that.

Oh, boom, there it is.

And so Dr. Gary Chapman. I actually, I don't know that much about him. I don't know about his critic. I actually, I probably should have done a little bit more research for this to give the background. One thing I do know is the book is, it's a theoretical book. It's not chock full of research. It's not based on a lot of studies. It's based on his common sense hunch about how relationships go. I also know that his sold 11 million plus copies. So it is widely extravagantly popular. The fact is there's not a ton of, you know, there's not, there's like no research in his book. And then subsequent to that, there hasn't been a ton of research on the love language stuff at all. Not, you know, you've mentioned attachment style contrasting with attachment style. There's like a new attachment style, you know, study every single day. I mean it's the most widely researched thing. And so attachment style is, you know, what I would consider rock solid science. Love language is, I'll kindly say emerging because there just hasn't been enough research to definitively say one way or the other, whether it's legitimate, is it? There's actually evidence.

I think the challenge is, especially in this world, like love and dating is probably so popular because it is so dumbed down and basic. Not saying like people are dumb who follow this, but it is so basic and clear. It's like there are five of these and it's like it's classic, right? Whereas more academic people who look into the research, usually there's much more nuance to it. And that's probably why it is so popular is this is like there are five love languages, you know, have one primary, you have one secondary and focus on that and it, it's simple and that's, that's nice. And it does, I think, teach Some really good lessons about relationships. Most primary is to just think about how your partner does receive love rather than always thinking about yourself and how it is that you receive love and understand that your partner is different than you. I think that's a good lesson to be learned in relationships, but we need to take it with a grain of salt in the sense that there's not a ton of science backing up that, like, these things actually, these are real and it's part of the human existence.

Yeah. And I think your point about it being simple and that's part of the appeal is, is dead on. It's exactly why the Myers Briggs Personality Inventory is also super popular. Right. I mean, you know, you can categorize your personality into some very simple ways. People kind of will put up their letters for their Myers Briggs. But when you actually look at the research into the Myers Briggs and all the things that it allegedly can apply to and help with the research, isn't there the Myers Briggs is not as useful or anywhere near as useful as people think. That said, you know, I think, you know, we'll get to it. But the love languages, there is some value. I mean, there's a way to use these. You know, you don't have to completely throw them out and ignore them and never talk about love languages again. I mean, there is some value. But you know, just to kind of point out the simplicity part of it is the research that is out there on the love languages. They pick your love language, you're like, so Adam's love language, you fill out a bunch, you look at the five types, you pick the one. It's like you're number one.

Yeah.

Now, the thing is, your number one, you said, is words of affirmation. Now, that might just be like this much higher of a priority to you than quality of time, but now, forevermore, you are a words of affirmation guy. And so we start. You lose a lot of information that way. You'd be much better off gathering more detailed information. And that's probably why the research on this stuff, it's kind of all over the place. I mean, there's more research to say that love language stuff doesn't work, right. Because I, I'm, I'm kind of rambling about this. But, like, the premise of the book is like, you have your love language, right? Your words of affirmation. So that's what you like to receive and that's what you like to give. According to Chapman, in his theory, you're going to have the best relationship if your Wife Jess is also words of affirmation. And you guys are matched, right? To the extent that you're aligned, you're going to have this more harmonious, highly satisfying relationship. And people that are mismatched, it's going to be rough, it's going to be rocky. You're going to have a hard time connecting. Like if you're words of affirmation, but she's gifts, you're always going to be, like, trying to say nice things to her and she's like, no, no, buy me something. Right? And that, like, that's going to cause problems. And so that's. That's basically the theory, Right? Right.

Yeah, I could definitely see that. I mean, personally, I think that there's a six, sixth love language, and that is just sex. Personally, I mean, just. Just sex, you know, hey, that, that's a great love language right there. What do you think? Maybe we could do some science there. I wonder what percentage of people would say their love language is sex.

Yeah, I mean, I think, you know, sex, you know, might. Maybe that fits into physical touch as well. I mean, I think if I was going to add a 6, 1, I personally would add personal growth. You know, having my partner be a lever to help me grow as a person and for me to help my partner grow as a person, I think that is one of the biggest motivators in relationships is, you know, we're looking for someone to make us a better person or help us become a better person. And to me, like, that's the missing love language. I mean, that's the thing that drives a lot of relationships that we know drives a lot of relationships that isn't captured by, you know, these, these five. Right.

Yeah, it's interesting. I, I like that. I like that one beef that I kind of have with love languages. And maybe it's because people haven't read his book or haven't dove into it enough, but I've worked with a lot of clients. I mean, we've had over 40,000 people work with love strategies as a client. And no, no, nothing against people who have, who believe, who focus on love language as being really important. But I've. I've seen people post a lot about this in our community, saying things such as, my love language is quality time. However, he doesn't appeal to my love language, and he doesn't understand that my love language is this. And he needs to do more of my love language. And my, my thinking is like, that's kind of going against the whole point of the love languages. Which is like, we should be thinking about our partner's love language. Like, think about, well, what is his love language? And they'll say, well, I know what it is, but he's not appealing to mine, so why should I appeal to his. And you're like, okay, what are we doing here? I, I don't even. And, and, and it kind of creates this weird conversation about, like, are you focusing more on yourself here? Which doesn't really build a good relationship. Or I think the positive part of love language is that you're focusing on what your partner needs and trying to give them love in the way that they help receive it and how and receive it in a healthy way. But I just see a lot of people misinterpret this and I have never seen anyone post be like, his love language is this. How can I more appeal to his love language? I've never seen that post before, but call me crazy. I don't know. Call me crazy, but what do you think? I haven't seen it either, but that's exact synergy.

I have not. But that's exactly the right response is, you know, I think people would have the best piece to take away from love languages. It's not about the love language itself. Right. So, you know, we said people prefer quality time. That's the most popular one. There's, there's no research that shows any one of his, any one of them is better than the other. But what it does say is that alignment is important. Now alignment is important and full stop, period. Like, it doesn't have to be about love languages. Like, you want to be aligned with your partner. I think you talk about this in, in the little love steps, right?

Yeah.

And so alignment is important. It doesn't matter if you're aligned on quality time. It doesn't matter if you're aligned on physical or any of them get aligned. And so that's, I think the smart way to use this theory is, okay, I might be quality time. My partner might be words of affirmation. How can we meet in the middle? And how can I give some more words of affirmation? And aren't words of affirmation going to lead to more quality time? And isn't more quality time going to lead to more words of affirmation? And can't we both be happy that way?

Right.

That I think is, is the sort of magic combination to unlock the real power of love languages.

Yeah, that's interesting.

Yeah.

And I totally agree with that. Now, I wonder not to throw a wrench in all of this. And I don't know the data behind this, so we may just be the blind leading the blind here on this, but I wonder if a person, let's say I'm in a relationship with a woman who, let's say Jessica, is all about giving me words of affirmation. Just all day she tell me how great I am, like how supportive a partner I am, how like impressive I am as a person, and then I take the test. Maybe words of affirmation won't come up and, but she doesn't give me a lot of time, quality time or whatever. Maybe I would take it again. I wonder if there's any type of replica if, if you can reproduce the same result over and over again depending on the partner you're with. Like, or does it change depending on which partner you're with? Do you have any sense of that?

You know, I, I honestly, I haven't read the book, so I don't know what the book would say to this. I don't see how it can't change. Yeah, right. Like, I mean, we change. So things are constantly evolving in our relationships. Like, you know, how in any long term relationship, right. You look at a relationship that's lasted five, ten years early on, physical touch is going to be more important. At year 10, it's going to be less important. It's going to be even less important at year 30. Right. I'm not saying zero importance, it's just that piece is going to become less and less important. Gifts are probably going to become less and less important, right? I mean, at this point, I've been married 21 years. I don't need gifts, I don't need my wife to buy me anything. Right. It just becomes less. Now, early on, was it more important? Probably, you know, so, so things are definitely going to change. One of the, one of the pieces that relates to this that the research has looked at, study looked at, you know, relationship length like, so do love languages become more aligned the longer people have been in relationships? Now it should, right? I mean, the longer you know your partner, you should have a better sense of what their love language is and be better at giving that love language. Right? But to your point earlier, people don't ask, they don't worry about that piece. And so relationship length actually had nothing to do with, with alignment, which doesn't make sense. Right. I mean, if people are using these things the way that they potentially could be and should be used, then, you know, people should become more aligned, you know, at year five than at, you know, month five. I mean, that's how it should go. But that the data doesn't support that.

It's really interesting. Yeah, I'm, I'm, I'm definitely, I'm, I'm skeptical of Love Language. I think it's kind of a fun little quiz. It's so viral. It's such a good viral, easy idea, which is why it sold 11 million copies. And it's.

Yeah.

And it also, if it can easily share the idea to think about what your partner needs in order to be happy in a relationship, just be aware of your partner. If it's just passing along that message, that's a good message. But we need to be aware that it is probably falls into the bucket of pop science dating advice, which I'm not against. I have plenty of dating advice that may. That falls into that category. Although I tried to make it scientific a basis on science. Um, but yeah, it's, it's a tricky one. So as far as someone trying to. Let's say we decide love languages are just not really helpful in relationships, where would you suggest people focus their energy if they're not quite aligned? What do you think?

Well, I mean, I think this kind of gets to the question of, you know, because the science is mixed and like I said earlier, it's emerging. So, you know, up there was just a recent study that came out that showed some benefits to being aligned, but it's the first one that really was, you know, it was 31 different nations. And so maybe that had something to do with it. Who knows? But, you know, so it's still, it's science is like this sometimes, particularly early on, like. And you're getting like a little bit of a mixed bag. So I think the key question is, should people stop using these things? Because there's not definitive science. And I would say it's not about using it or not. I think it's all about how you use it. And you know, we've talked a lot about how people are misusing it. And so I, I think we should kind of throw out some ideas about how to use these things the right way. Yeah. And we've kind of alluded to this, but I think it's important. Love language just show you that people connect in lots of different ways. And so if you're only looking at one way for how your partner is connecting or wants to connect, you're going to miss possibly five other ways that are useful. Right. You're only. If you're only paying attention to gifts, you're missing the words of affirmation. You're missing the quality time. You're missing all that stuff. So you just. You just want to pay attention to more things. I also think it's. It's a. It's a conversation starter, right? It's a great way to kind of open up a conversation and discussion about relationships. And it's. It's like you've mentioned earlier, it's a great way to kind of take perspective and see the relationship a little bit through your partner's eyes.

Hey, look, I'll say this. It's better than astrology if you're. If you're talking to someone, what their sign is, their astrological sign. I'll. I'll take a love language conversation any day. Assuming the guy knows what a love language is, which, chances are he doesn't. If it's just some guy off the street, trust me, he does. He probably doesn't know. I would want to see the literature.

I love that.

Yeah, it's definitely better than astrology. So, yeah, I'm a Gemini. If you want to talk about our compatibility, if you're, you know, whatever. I don't even know all the signs. Jesus. What is your sign, Gary?

Capricorn.

Oh, no. Oh, no. You're a Capricorn.

I don't know what that even. You know what's really funny, though, is when I first started. When I first started dating my wife, she was into astrology, and so she had this whole book about love science. And I was. I was very nerdy, like, science. And I was like, this is probably garbage, but I was like, I'm gonna try. I took this book, I skimmed through. I read it. I saw what she was, what I was. I made sure I, like, kind of figured. And luckily, that book said we were compatible. I faked it. I faked like I cared. I faked like it was important. I learned a lot, but I learned a lot of it was garbage. Luckily.

Oh, my God.

Luckily, she wasn't that. She wasn't that hardcore into it. She just thought it was interesting. And really what it was, much like love language stuff, by the way, is like, she just was interested in, like, compatibility and how people get along or how people don't get along and patterns. She was a psych major. And so, you know, that's what is appealing, I think, about love languages is it. It gives us this, like, little. Little glimpse, this little window into relationships, that, frankly, people don't think enough about relationships. And so if love languages gets people thinking about relationships, I'm all for it.

I agree. That's and that's, that's why I do include it in my program. Like we talk about love languages once we get to little love step six and seven. It is part of this whole idea of people receive and give love differently. And I think that's just like an interesting way to look at it. Personally. If I were to really look at love languages, honestly, for those coming like thinking about this stuff, be thinking about how you can hit up all five love languages when you're in a relationship. And like you said, as time goes on, the ones that are definitely, and I agree with what you said, the ones that become downgraded are receiving gifts and physical touch, quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, continue leaning into that. That's what builds healthy relationships and that if you're thinking about that with your partner, how you can do those things and they're reciprocating, man, that builds a really healthy relationship and that's a good lesson to be learned.

Yeah. And I think, you know, one of the other good lessons from this, and it's something that you've said is really important in learning about relationships is it's gotta be fun. Like it's gotta be fun for it, for it to make a difference. And so love languages are fun. It's a fun way to start. And it's kind of like astrology in that way. Like I think astrology is, it's fun like if you want to use it as like this kind of blank slate jumping off point to start thinking more deeply about things going on in your life, great. If you take it as prescriptive and I must do this and if, if I don't do this, if things are going to go horribly for me, then you're screwing it up like then you're getting it all wrong. And so I think it's the same way with love languages. Like there, there's a definite way to use it to your advantage and use it as a jumping off point to learn more about the complexities of relationships which you know, we can help with.

You know, it's not fun by the way, is learning that you're in an anxious attachment style. That's not fun. Right? Like when you learn about attachment styles, you're like, oh no, I have an anxious attachment sound. I need to start thinking about my childhood and how I related with my caregivers. Oh, let's think about love languages. Oh my God, I'm words of affirmation. That's great.

Hahaha.

Fun. Like, so I. It's. It's really interesting how that's probably why love language has gotten so big. I mean, attachment styles are big as well, but I. Obviously. But there's so much more to. To attach themselves than love languages.

The thing. The other thing that, you know, these love languages have going for them is they're a little easier to see. Like, they're a little bit more concrete. And we're very much drawn to things that are easy to see, easy to measure, easy to notice. And so you can notice gift giving, the affirmation words. You know, it's. You can sit back in your relationship and point those things out, like, oh, that was physical touch. Oh, we're spending time together. I can count the number of hours we spend together. That's all easy stuff. Attachment, harder, right? It's below the surface. It's kind of lurking in the shadows. And it's like, you can't necessarily pinpoint it as easily. So it's. Again, you know, we're drawn to the things that are simple. We're drawn to the things that are easy. It. You know, love languages, they're simple, they're intuitive, they're easy to implement. They're just not as concrete and correct as everyone wants to believe they are. But, you know, I think maybe as people start using them more, they'll become more useful.

I gotta say, Gary, I mean, that's why I'm so drawn to you as a coach and as an academic is. I've. I've known so many academics over the years in the relationship and dating space, and they just can't seem to give any type of prescriptive advice. Like, it's always so pie in the high, like academic. Very nuanced, very complicated. And I think you take a lot of those. I'm not. I'm trying to give you some words of affirmation here, but it's true. Like, you give these.

I'm soaking it in.

Yeah, enjoy it, baby. You got a gift coming soon. I'll give you some acts of service. I don't know. But, hey, but it's true. I mean, I think that's. That's the tricky thing with a lot of academics. I think you really do bring that to the table. And that's why I just love working with you. I think it's awesome. So I appreciate this. I really enjoyed this. I think it's. We haven't really come up with anything concrete coming out of this. I think we both are saying we're skeptical. There's pros there's cons of it. Just don't take it as actual science because it. It's unlikely to be founded in that way.

Yeah. And I think, I think the big takeaway I would love for people to get from this is the whole purpose of, like, education and learning things is to make things more complex. It's to take things that you think are simple, kind of pull back the curtain a little bit, see how it's really working, and give you a deeper, more well rounded understanding of it. All of which will make your life better. Right. Understanding that love languages aren't as simple as everybody likes to think. Okay. At first it's a little bit like, oh, geez, now I got it. Like, no, no. But this is ultimately going to make your life better because the things that we're talking about, like taking your partner's perspective, taking the time to learn what works for them, using all the love languages, using this as a conversation starter as a way to appreciate differences, as a way to just recognize that different people see relationships differently. Those are all really, really important lessons that you get by realizing this love language alignment idea is a little bit more complicated than, you know, maybe you're led to believe in other places.

Yeah. Well, cool, Gary. Well, I appreciate your thoughts on this. I think this is really fun. And yeah, I think, to be continued, maybe we'll bring up love languages again in the future because I have a feeling a lot of people are going to be giving us some feedback on this podcast. So thanks for your time, Gary. I appreciate it. That was awesome.

Yeah, thanks, A.B. take care.