Master the Difficult Dating Conversations: Money, Sex & Future

In today's podcast, we are going to be discussing how to have the really difficult dating conversations that come up. Not the easy ones that are, you know, carefree. You know, tell me about your favorite hobbies. What do you like to do? No, we're talking about the difficult ones. Money, sex, the future. Like, where's this relationship going? This is gonna be a good one. Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy, and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else. Backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of Love Strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. Please share with a friend and enjoy. And Gary, I have something special that I think helps with these conversations. You ready for this one?

Oh, this is a prop. We have a prop.

What? Just bring down the axe. Just bring out the axe. And this easy way to intimidate. Intimidate a guy into agreeing with.

Why is your ax so shiny?

Someone just gave this to me. It actually has the Love Strategies logo on it.

Oh, okay. So it's like a gift ax.

I was like, wait a second, it's a gift axe. Okay. I think that this would be really helpful on a difficult dating conversation. Be like, how much money do you have, bro?

I. I think this is going to guarantee you get a restraining order.

Why aren't you having enough sex with you? Why don't you want me?

Can you hold that with the blade away from your face?

What is our future going to be like? For those who are just listening, I have an ax in my hand. If you haven't caught that.

Or he uncomfortably close to his eyes.

Not.

Okay, well, I think what happens with these conversations is we know we need to talk about it. We know that there's something that's driving us kind of bonkers where it's bothering us. We're worrying about it, we're focusing on it, and it doesn't really matter what it is. We've all been there, We've all had an it in our relationship that we know we need to discuss it, but we don't wanna. We don't wanna because it's gonna be awkward, it's gonna be a little uncomfortable. It's gonna require putting ourselves out there. But this, like a lot of things in life is a Relationship skill that you can easily get better at if you know what you're doing. And so that's really what we're going to be talking about today.

And I think just for those who are thinking about this, maybe you don't have this conversation. Maybe your relationship's great, or maybe you're completely single and you're like, I don't have a guy to have a conversation with. I really recommend leaning into this because I guarantee a something will come up in a relationship with where if you don't talk about it, then it's going to go into this mental death spiral in the relationship where it's just on your mind every time you're with this person and you want to say something, but you're not sure how to do it. So today we're going to be identifying some kind of key pressure points and triggers that may come up in your relationships. We're going to help you have the courage to take the leap to talk about them, as well as how you can really show up with these conversation and make them just a lot easier than you think. You know, of course you need to be with the right partner in order to do that. We're gonna be discussing that. But there are easier ways to have the difficult conversations, and they don't always have to be so spicy some of those conversations. Right. Gary, I don't know if you've ever been in a relationship where you've just had some spicy conversations and you're like, I'm not so sure about that person. That did not go well. Like, I'm pretty chill guy. What's up?

There are people that you're in relationships with, and this could be a romantic relationship or even co workers or friends, where, like, every single conversation ends up unnecessarily spicy, where there's just, like, ulterior motives and assumptions and agendas and all this crap that's kind of this subtext to the conversation. And all of that is counterproductive. You know, one thing I would say for sure is it doesn't matter what relationship you plan on having. And I'm sure you're sitting here planning on having the world's greatest relationship, as you should, but the world's greatest relationship. To have such a thing requires difficult conversations. And so you have to get comfortable with being a little uncomfortable in these conversations.

Yeah, yeah. I just think it's such a mark of character, people who can have an open discussion about something where it might be contentious. Like, I think one thing I just honestly appreciate about you guys I was gonna poke fun of you for a second, but I'm like, I'm gonna go. So sweet today. A. I feel like anytime we've had any type of conversation where we disagree, like, we're both working together to attack the problem rather than attack each other. And I. And I. It's. It's more of. It's more of a representation of you and how you handle situations. I just think you are such a perfect archetype of how to handle challenging conversations. Like, I don't think you and I have ever been in a real fight. No, I appreciate. No, you know, I really appreciate that.

Well, and I think that's the important. And I appreciate you saying that. So kind. But I think, you know, it's not that we don't disagree. No, it's like, you can disagree, but it's like having a mutual respect or where the other person's coming from and that you. They have your best interest at heart. And we're both trying to. It's you and me versus the problem. Right. And I think that's a big part of it.

And the problem is too many dad jokes on the podcast.

I said that's. You're ridiculous. You're ridiculous. You don't know what you're talking about.

Stop telling.

I hate you. I hate you. You're just like my dad.

Terrible.

All right.

I just kid. I love your dad jokes, as does the world. Yeah. But, like, in all seriousness, in any relationship, there's going to be a few key topics that tend to come up. For starters, money. Whether it's debt, spending habits, financial goals, income differences, who pays for what. And that can come up pretty quickly. Then, of course, sex. How much? We all have different libidos, different sex drive. How often? What type of sex? What do we, like? When? Where? Gary, you threw that in the notes. Where sex. Do explain.

I mean, I don't know if you know this, but you're allowed to have sex outside of the bedroom.

Dude, come on, man. I've been with my wife for 10 years. Like, come on. But it's like. Yeah.

When? Where? How much. Like this.

Life.

Techniques. Stop doing that thing with your elbow. That's weird, right? Any of that kind of stuff.

Totally.

You gotta talk about it. And so, you know, along with sex, boundaries, like. And boundaries have to especially do with external relationships. And so this is big one. Ex partners. Do you have ex partners? How do we handle? Do you still talk to them? Should you still talk to them? Should you still take texts from them? Stay friends with them on Facebook, how do you handle family? And in laws, there is always issues. I mean, at least that's been my experience. There's just always something going on with family and in laws, friends, social media, your work relationships. Just your. Your relationship with work in general. How much are you working outside demands, time, attention, jealousy, like all that stuff folds in and you need to discuss any of these things, because these things, you know, are all pressure points. And the pressure points, the more you ignore them, the more the pressure builds and bad things can happen. I think another really, really big one is the what are we conversation. The. The present status of our relationship. And the research shows this is actually the number one taboo topic in relationships is to discussing the status of the relationship with your partner. Right. It's like, where is this going? What is our future? You know, as. As we discuss, you know, you're define the relationship is, you know, is this a for now, is this a forever? And it's even all things like, you know, hey, I'm kind of feeling like we're losing connection. Our relationship's getting stale. You know, just. Just being able to bring up to your partner that this is getting a little bit boring. Let's work on spicing this up in some way and let. We need a date night. Like, we totally need a date. It being a problem to feel like your partner may be like, yeah, I don't really want a date night. Right. We gotta. We gotta be able to bring these things up.

Yeah. And then of course, there's the future planning. Like, if this is a thing after the dtr, you're in a committed, exclusive relationship. You're really excited about how things are going. Well, where are you gonna live? Are you gonna live in the city? You're gonna live on the farm? Are you gonna have children? Whether parenting styles? What's that gonna be like? Career, work, life. Is one person gonna stay home while another people work? Conversations that need to be had. And I think, again, it's the mark of a really healthy relationship. How these. These conversations are handled tells you a lot about the relationship. And as I was going through the notes of this, I was thinking back to this woman I was dating back in New York. This is going back probably 16 years. So I got to go deep into the noggin. But I remember I lived in New York for. I moved there and I was planning on staying for a while. I wasn't sure how long, but I met a woman actually on the bus ride down to New York. Like, as I was moving.

You met a bus babe A bus babe.

A bus babe. And we hit it off like crazy. Like, she was so cool. We had so much in common. We had so much fun, and we stayed in touch, and we started dating, you know, kind of early on. It was like three weeks in. But I remember the end of this happened pretty quickly, because about three weeks in, she's like, what's your plan with New York City? Like, are you staying? Are you leaving? I'm like, I'm. I'm really not sure yet. Like, I'm just exploring. I'm, like, brand new to the city. It's, like, a lot to take in. I'm not sure. She's like, I feel like you're just using me. And I'm like, whoa. Like, that is a big assumption here. And that is, you know, we're going to talk about the importance of having good faith in a conversation like this. And it just came from a place of, like, assumption where I'm. I'm using you because I'm not sure if I'm going to stay in New York. I've been here for three weeks. I don't know. Like, let's. It's only been three weeks. So some of you might hate me for that position, but it really was just one of those conversations where it became the downfall of our connection very quickly. It was. Too bad.

This brings up something. This is a little bit of a tangent, but it very much ties into the conversation you were just sharing with us, which is on Masterminds. One of the most common pieces of feedback I give to clients is that's a problem in the future that we don't know is ever going to happen.

Right?

Like, let's. Let's not solve future problems that may or may not happen today. And so that's exactly what that woman was doing, is like, you know, you're in three weeks. Like, you know, what's your plan for three years from now or three months from now? It's like, wait a second. I don't even know that. And that's the thing is, like, we, as humans, we don't know what our future is going to hold. Like, I will tell you when. When I met my wife, Colleen, her plan was to move to Colorado. She was moving to Colorado, and I knew that. She told me that from the very beginning. I was like, cool, okay. I guess you're gonna move the car. But I was like, we'll see. We'll see where that. We'll see how that goes. Like, I don't know where I'm gonna Be in the future. You don't. I don't know. I just never took it that I never take future plans as, like, that set in stone, I guess. And it's like a. It's good to have a plan, but I don't take those as, like, a contract, I guess.

Jessica's plan was to move to Charlotte. Like, when I met her, she's like, yeah, always want to live in Charlotte. I want to go to Charlotte. I'm like, all right, we'll see about that. Then we went on vacation to Charlotte, and she's like, I don't want to be in Charlotte.

But this is the thing. This is what I say to. To clients all the time, is that, you know, when you meet your person, your future changes in an instant. And everything, everything you think you thought you wanted doesn't matter anymore because all you want is to be with that person. And so you don't even have to plan the future that much in some ways. And so it's just like one of those, let's not over plan the future, because a lot of that over planning is false confidence, because you're wrong about what you think the future is going to hold. So.

And I'm so glad it didn't work out with that woman, because I'd be like a douchey New Yorker. Nothing against New Yorkers, but I know you're a New Jersey guy.

Easy there, Boston Adam. Easy, Boston Adam.

Come on, give me a slice of the pizza pie. I don't know. What are the New Yorkers say? All right, Anyways, so you got a problem. Let's move on. We are. We are really going tangential. It's summertime is what happens. So, Gary, move us forward here, man.

So whatever the issue is in your relationship as awkward, uncomfortable, whatever that it may be, here's something that is 100% true. You've got to talk about it, and sooner rather than later. One of the things the clients know that I say all the time is you have to keep small problems small, because one of our coaches, Coach Robin, has a metaphor that she uses that I think is brilliant. So this is shamelessly stolen from Coach Robin, which is every time you and your partner have a problem between the two of you, it's like putting a brick between the two of you. And so with each little problem, you're like, oh, I don't need to mention it. I don't need to mention it. But every time you do that, you're adding another brick, and eventually you're building up a wall. And that just creates more distance between you. And sometimes you get to the point where you stack it too far. You can't even see each other. Where you can even have a conversation to tear down the wall, which 100%, I agree with this. It's. You are racking up emotional debt by not discussing small problems. And when you discuss things when they're small, you can take care of them. You know, your partner not forgetting to text you on a Friday night when they said they were going to, and you just say, hey, by the way, I noticed you didn't text me. Like, what should I make of that? We can deal with that. No problem. That's going to be a five minute conversation. You let it go, and then you don't forget. And then you see over it and you remember it, and you start building up more and more evidence that they're incorrect, considerate, and don't communicate, and they have all these problems. It just builds and builds and builds. And so there's a quote that I. I've been sharing on Masterminds lately that I absolutely love. It's from Neil Strauss, and he says unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments. And so if you don't share some of the things that you're expecting from your partner, you're just deciding ahead of time what you're going to resent. And all of that represents small problems that you're not discussing that build and build and build, and all of a sudden you have this big wall between you.

I cannot believe you quoted Neil Strauss on this podcast. I kind of love it. I'm not gonna lie.

It's. It's after he, you know, he was the original pickup artist. And while I don't agree with a lot of that stuff from him, he's turned a new page, so to speak.

He came around.

Yeah, he did. And he's basically like, all that pickup stuff is garbage. I don't. I'm ashamed that I did it. And he's got some really thoughtful stuff. And so I heard that on a recent podcast, and I was like, I love that quote.

Yeah, no, I. I agree. He went into a bucket of like, ooh. And when I was really young, I'm like, oh, this is interesting. I'm like, ooh, that's bad. And now I'm. I'm pro Neil Strauss. I love his. His perspective on relationships and the importance of commitment. It's. It's awesome.

So I also think, you know, when people have to decide whether they're going to discuss something, sometimes they'll just be like, no, it's. I'm just going to decide it's not a problem, and I just don't want to think about it. And it's. You can, you can't decide to not think about something because as soon as, as soon as I say to you, don't think about a pink elephant riding a bicycle, I just made you think about a pink elephant riding a bicycle. Like, it's impossible to tell yourself not to think about something because it just tells you to think about it. And so what I, I talk a lot about communication with our clients for, for obvious reasons, but the other thing I, I just kind of drum over and over is you have. Everyone has to remember the first solution to any relationship problem. The first solution is always communication. Right. So that so many times when clients ask a question is like, oh, you know, here's the situation. Gary, what do you think I should do? I'll say, what do you think I'm going to say? They're like, you're going to tell me I need to talk to him about it? I'm like, yep. I said, and let's framed.

What do you think he's thinking? I don't know. Go ask him.

Right? And then it's like, okay, we'll work through, like, ways of, like, how to ask, how to bring it up, and some of the nuance. But it's always like, you know, it's like it's. And I get it. That's why we're having this podcast. Because these conversations are tough, they're awkward, and if you're not accustomed to this type of communication, it's hard at first. And so, you know, this is all to make those uncomfortable conversations easier.

Yeah. All right, so the first part of this is have a quick little conversation about having a conversation. Like, it's, it is helpful to give your partner just a little bit of a heads up that something's coming down the line. And it doesn't have to be like, walk into the room back, we need to talk later. Notice my tonality. It doesn't have to be in that way. It could just be, hey, look, listen, something's been on my mind. I would love to chat when you're done with work, maybe have a glass of wine, you know, and it's, it's very simple. Right, but what. By doing this, you are now committing to the process. You can't back out of this. And it helps you from kind of saying things impulsively or saying things that you really regret. Also gives you a Little bit of time to prepare, obviously, as well as your partner, because I want your partner to kind of come in and be aware that, like, something's coming. We've all been there in relationship. I certainly have. Where you're like, something's coming here. I don't know what this is, but I'm prepared. And I understand that this may be a more difficult conversation than the usual fun, but I think at the end of the day, impulsivity, when we allow just, like, random fights that tend to be quite meaningless to get out of control, that can ruin a relationship much more than just kind of a planned conversation where it's between two people and you're like, hey, let's talk about this. There's this problem that we have. Let's work together to solve this. Then you kind of get on the same page. It gives your partner and yourself just a chance to get your thoughts in line before that conversation.

It's only fair, right? Because if you have. If you know, you need to have a conversation with your partner, chances are you've gone through this conversation a few times in your head. You've kind of brought together your evidence, some of the things, some of the key points you want to say. And if you're approaching somebody who has no idea what's coming, it's not going to be as productive as if they're ready. It's like, any good meeting starts with an agenda. You send an agenda ahead of time. That way everybody knows what they're doing. They need to talk about what they need to prepare for. It just amplifies the productivity of that meeting. So every once in a while, if my wife says to me, hey, you know, Gary, we need to talk about something, I'll be like, okay, what are the. What are the agenda points or. Or talking points for this? Like, what. What are what topics? This way I'm not spiraling, trying to scan the horizon for all of the potential things we might need to talk about. It's like, oh, you know, our. Our latest topic of conversation is, when are we getting a new dog? That's the big one in our house. And so it's like, you know, but it could be that. It could be about my daughter going to college. It could be about a party, it could be about it. It could be about a thousand things. But it's like, hey, we need to talk about something. Like, okay, which thing? Oh, the dog thing. Okay, perfect. Now I can. I can get ready for that. Which is a very different sense of ready than a conversation about something.

Else Jessica's classic is, we need to talk, because I want to plan another vacation. I'm like, I can't do anymore. I can't. Wouldn't talk every weekend. It's something every weekend.

I'm like, enough.

But it's really fun, too.

So that's better than we need to talk about you.

You suck, dude. I'm like, all right. Like, it is annoying that I have to be away every weekend, but it's also really fun and great. So mad about that.

So the next thing we're gonna do is we're gonna give you the thing that I think our clients love more than anything else, which is specific wordings. And so the caveat with these wordings is, I'm going to give you specific wordings. Right. But there's nothing magic or perfect about these words. You can copy them down, and many of you will copy them down, rewind and copy it word for word. Great. Take notes that way.

Fine.

But the key with any of these is, like, understand what we are trying to accomplish with these conversation starters, difficult conversation starters, and then make them your own. Because something we talk about all the time is how important it is is to be authentic.

Right?

And so these are some starters to help set the tone, have a potentially difficult conversation. And so the simplest one is just a. Is this a good time to talk about getting a puppy? Is this a good time to talk about our next vacation adventure? Right. It's like, okay, like this. You're asking if it's a good time. You're making it clear what you want to talk about.

Great.

Okay, so then maybe you have had a disagreement about said puppy or vacation. And here's another one. I'd really like it like, us to fix things, but I want to make sure we're also on the same page. Do you feel ready to talk about it? Okay, so, like. And again, you may not. You may say, like, that sounds weird. Like, I don't. I don't speak like that. Great. But take that idea, like, acknowledging that we're not on the same page, acknowledging that there are some friction between us, and then asking if the other person's ready.

I love that. Or another one is, you know, let's say if a disagreement about something like disagreements happen. I know you want to keep talking about dad jokes on the podcast, but us working together to resolve them is what matters. So let me know when you're ready to talk. I love you.

See, I like that. So even though I was a little hurt by the fact that you don't think dad jokes are great. At the end, you reminded me that you love me. Which heart emoji? Me too that.

In the notes, it says I love you at the end. I had to put that in there.

It's great.

I love you, Gary.

Oh, my gosh.

Continue forward. Sorry, guys. Everyone who's listening, we are in, like, full blown summer mode at the moment. Gary and I, we're like two kids who are, like, on summer vacation. So he's gonna have to excuse us. Yeah.

And I really did. I just took, like, the first vacation I've had in a long time this past weekend. So I'm like, not. My mental state is just off.

Me too, man. Me too. I didn't think about dating or relationships for, like, seven days. And it was glorious. I mean, I love what I do. Yeah, I, like, I needed some time.

Totally get it. So here's another. Here's another way to start. I appreciate a chance to explain myself and hear your perspective and thoughts. Can we talk? Right. It's like, just making it clear that you want a chance to explain your point of view, but also you are eager to hear your partner's point of view and then ask again. Again asking, can we talk? Not, we must talk. You must talk.

It's right.

Less demanding, more asking. And then the last one is, I feel really upset about what happened, but I also want to understand your perspective. Do you have some time to talk things out?

Yeah.

It's okay to acknowledge that something your partner said upset you, but make it clear that you're trying to understand their perspective, not prejudging them, calling them a horrible person, making it negative, any of that kind of stuff, just keeping it positive.

Definitely the next part of this conversation, which I think is so important and it's so easy, I fall victim to this myself, where we go into a conversation where we have a disagreement or we have some challenge or something we need to talk about, but one person in the conversation is not going into it with what I consider to be good faith, which is lending the most generous interpretation to the other person. Basically approaching every interaction with the belief that the other person is also acting with good intentions, even if their words or actions are perceived as negative or hurtful. So that's why I told the story about that woman in New York City. It wasn't the problem. The problem wasn't that she brought up this conversation. In fact, I'm glad she did. Like, I'm glad she talked it out. Like, hey, we're starting to date. You're in New York, like, what's the deal? The problem was that she. She assumed that I had bad intentions, which was to use her. Right. So that was what she was projecting into the conversation. And I'm like. And I explained, I'm not here to use you. But she's like, no, clearly you are. And so she didn't go into it with this idea of like, hey, this guy is interested in me. He's trying to do his best. He's trying to make things work. Now, rather than you and your partner attacking the problem, you're just attacking your partner. So trying to go into these conversations realizing your partner, your partner isn't a bad person, and if he is, you shouldn't be with that person. Starting point two, they have positive intentions, or at least they don't have negative intentions. Right. They didn't mean to be annoying. They didn't mean to be mean to you. They didn't mean to leave the cabinets open, you know, which I happen to do a lot. They mean to be disrespectful. They didn't mean to do these things necessarily. They're. They want them to see you happy. Right. And so give them the benefit of the doubt. When you are going into these conversations, it really, really does set you free.

Yeah. I think so many times when your partner does stuff that does annoy you, they're not doing it to annoy you. And that's usually how we take it. They're actually doing it because it's something that doesn't annoy them. Right. And that's really what it's about. It's like, oh, you know, leaving the cabinets open or your socks on the floor. The only reason they're doing it is because it doesn't bother them. They're not thinking about whether it bothers you or not. Now, is that a problem on some level? Absolutely, that's a problem. A little perspective taking goes a long way, but I think it's important not to personalize it where it's like, they're doing this to annoy me because they're a mean, horrible, disrespectful person. It's like, it's really not that deep. I. They're just doing it because it doesn't bother them.

Yeah. And just while we're talking about having conversations and having upfront, straight up, bold conversations, I would love to invite any of you who find that your dating life just isn't clicking or you are single and trying to meet guys and you're just not meeting the right type of quality partners. Or when these difficult conversations come up, you struggle with the courage to have them. If that sounds like you, then what I would love to do is invite you to have a different type of conversation, a conversation with someone on my team. They're called Love strategists. They've been trained by myself, Dr. Gary, the rest of the company, on how to have a conversation. Understand your challenges, where it is that you want to go in your love life, and then we can map it out. Whether it's working with us, with our mastermind, where we get all of our clients together, or it's guiding in a different direction. What we do is we have these love strategy sessions. It's a free one hour session with some of my team and they're going to get to the heart of your challenges. So if you want a little help in your love life, just head on over to Love Applies. You can apply for that conversation. It's not for everyone, but if you are approved for that conversation, we would love to have a conversation with you, see if you're the right fit to work with us and guide you in the right direction. So cool.

Yeah. And so, you know, I, I think the next piece when you're having these difficult conversations is one of the things that I consider to be a relationship superpower, and that is your ability to be curious instead of making assumptions and drawing rash conclusions. And so when things are not going well and you need to discuss something with your partner, you should always approach it from a position of, what do I not know? What do I need to better understand? What am I missing? What can I understand better or more fully? And so there's some prompts that you should actually even work into your conversation with your partner to make sure it's clear that you're trying to understand and you haven't already come to a conclusion. And so it's things like, tell me more, help me understand, what am I not seeing in this situation? Asking them, how did you arrive at that conclusion? Ask them, why do you think that happened? What do you believe led to that? And how do you see things turning out? And just as a general stance, like you just, you need more information. We don't have as much information as we think. We are pattern recognition machines. It's what the human brain does. And so we take limited bits of information from our partner and we extrapolate that into drawing conclusions that may not be warranted at all. Like, why did you leave the cabinet open again? I've told you a thousand times, it's like, I Got an important call. It was my mom. I rushed out. Like, there's pro. There could be a very good explanation, but it's like, we want to make sure we understand the whole thing first because we often don't have all the information. And so I think one of the other keys, little bits of text or lines you can use is something along the lines of, I sense that you're blank. And that could be like, hurt, mad, frustrated, and you don't know why. Right. And so you ask, what am I missing? Like, what. What am I not understanding in this situation? Like, what do I have to learn here? And, like, can you help me get up to speed with this? And so this is just approaching it with this learner's mentality, I like to call it, is, you know, don't think you know so much because there's a lot when, especially when it comes to communication and relationships, that's just beneath the surface and you have no idea what's going on.

Yeah, yeah. And also, just like, if you're asking some of these deeper conversations about how someone is feeling or why do you do what it is that you do? If he doesn't have immediate answers, you don't have to keep pushing. Like, you can have a little bit of space. It might take a day for him to think about it and respond like, I'm the ultimate resolver. Like, I want things resolved immediately. But I've had to learn not only professional, platonic, but romantic relationships, like, sometimes they're just not resolved immediately, and that's okay. Sometimes giving it some. If you ask the deep question of, like, where's this coming from? Giving someone some space to think about it, that can then lead to the next conversation, which is much more meaningful. Now, with that said, sometimes these conversations get a little bit spicy. They get a little heated, right? They can get a little bit personal, they can get frantic. Maybe you're hungry, maybe you're tired, maybe he's hungry, maybe he's tired. Maybe you've had a few too many glasses of wine or he has as well. All of those can lead to some of the worst arguments of a lifetime. But let's just say even none of those things exist, but things are just getting heated. Number one thing to always remember is that you can always bookmark your conversation. Like I said, early, like, establish a cooldown period. Like, hey, look, I'm getting a sense that this is not really very productive, so why don't we just take a little bit of a break? I'm going to go for a Walk and we can talk about this later or some other time, right? Like, that's okay. Like, you, you addressed it head on. You've at least isolated the problem. Like, we know that there's a problem now that needs a resolution. The resolution might not come instantly. And so recognizing that, like, hey, give it a little bit of breather now at the end of that, like, yeah, you go for the walk, you come back, maybe you've really cooled down. I would recommend at least establishing some type of time to like, return to this conversation. Might not be immediate, but it, it ensures that you're not just completely avoiding this or refusing to talk or, you know, that you certainly, you don't care. Like, you care might come back from that walking back. You know what, let's talk about this on Friday when we're kind of not in work mode and we can really sit back and, and talk more. You know, that's perfectly okay. Just the worst thing that we can do. And I think we've, we've all been there in some type of conversation where it's like, it's getting really heated and then the emotions start to pour out and we're getting just like the blood is flowing through your, your veins and it's like fire. Walk away, walk away. It's okay.

You know, when you feel yourself getting emotionally flooded, that's not the time to make your most articulate, well thought out points and ask the best questions. You're just not going to do that. And so when you start feeling yourself at that point, the bookmark is fantastic. It's like, hey, I feel myself get a little bit heated about this, and I feel like I just need some time to reflect and think. Can we revisit this in 20 minutes? Can we revisit this in an hour? Can we revisit this Friday? But it's very clear and specific because the thing you want to make sure is clear. It's not that you're avoiding this, it's that you want to pick a time when you're better able to address it. Because one of the worst things you can do, the worst things you can do in relationship communication is stonewalling, shutting the other person out, walking away and refusing to talk. It's basically telling the other person, I don't care about you, I don't value you, I don't respect you, and I don't want to hear you. And we know from Gottman's research and all this, it's one of the four horsemen. But the stonewalling thing is one of the worst techniques to use. And so bookmarking. There's nuance to it. It's saying, I'm not capable of having the best conversation about this right now, but I will be able to have that conversation at point X. And it should be really as soon as possible, but given enough time to calm yourself down, definitely.

You want to close this up, Gary?

Yeah. So I. I think the last piece is about listening, and it's about when someone's sharing with you. When someone's sharing with you. And it's. This is always going to be part of a difficult conversation, right? It's like you bring something up to your partner and then they. They start sharing their perspective. And as they're doing that, they might be bringing up something that they're struggling with. And usually that. That's often the case. And so, and this is in those difficult conversations, and really, in any relationship conversation, one of the things you want to figure out early on is do they want to be helped or they do. Do they want to be heard now? When in doubt, if you're not sure, just assume they want to be heard. This is what people want most of the time. It's not that they want your suggestion, your tips, your tricks, your strength. They don't want that. At that moment, you know what you really need to do, you know what really fix this for you? It's like, they're not necessary. They're not interested in those things. Hear them out first. They might eventually be looking for some solutions. But heard, hurt and hugged. Let's throw a hug in there, too. But like, they want to be heard first. 100%.

Yeah. It's so true. And it's just, it's part of human nature when someone is telling you something that you disagree with the entire time. I don't know if you're like this, Gary, but the entire time I'm just thinking about, how can I debate this? What do I have? What is my, like, spiciest take on this? That's going to debunk what that person says. And I'll tell you, like, on a different context, because we have so many people who listen to this podcast who are professionals. Like, you know this. If you're a manager or you manage a team or you manage a company, like, if you are just constantly listening to respond, people are not going to want to work for you the only way.

And.

And in fact, many times, like the old me maybe five years ago, would always find a way to debate a point, and I would always win because I'm CEO around here. And people do what I say. So that's, you know, I, I quote, unquote, win. But the reality was I found that 50 of the time I was so wrong. And it just kept happening. I'm like, oh, that I was so good at debating, but I was wrong and it hurt the company. And so I think there's just a little bit of humility that has to come in where it's like always recognizing that you might be wrong at least 50% of the time, if not more. If you're a guy, you're wrong 90% of the time. You know what I'm saying? But it's just one of those things. Like, it removes this idea of listening to reply because you're legitimately trying to get to the truth.

You know, when I think not about.

Winning, it's not a debate, it's getting to the truth, getting to the heart. So you can all move the heart of the issue so you can move forward together copacetically and start building some real relationships. Synergy.

Yeah. And, you know, it's definitely, it's not about winning. And to your point about humility is that your partner is going to bring things to you that are valid points. And so your job, this is how I think about it every time something's brought to me is like, my job is to seek out the part in what they're saying that I can own, that I did, that I could do differently. And then my job is to thank them for sharing that concern because if I care about them, I should want to know about these things. And I do. I do want to know the parts where I was, I screwed up, said something I shouldn't, something I did, landed a way I didn't intend. I want to know about all that. And so I wouldn't, wouldn't have been able to learn about those things if they weren't comfortable enough raising these issues with me. And so in there, you can then take ownership and apologize for the parts that you can apologize for. And I think it's really important to do that whenever you possibly can in a relationship, because you're not only doing that. And this is not to say you should apologize for everything. It's not. But it's like, and this is huge, remember that you're modeling how you would like your partner to also handle these situations. Every relationship creates its own norms about communication. And so if you're doing a really good job of owning your parts, thanking your partner for being willing to share that with you so that you can work on being better, they're going to see that, and they will start doing the same thing. Because as Adam says all the time, you're the average of the person you're married to, the average of the person that you're in a relationship with. And it's like you start doing better at communicating, your partner will too. And that's really what we're after.

I love it. I love it. And I'll just leave it with this. One thing that our clients love when they're part of our mastermind is being able to really strategize before any of these difficult conversations. Because sometimes when we go into a really difficult conversation, whether it's about money, sex, the future, define the relationship, we're not sure, like, am I going into this with a logical perspective or am I letting my emotions get the best of me? And I think that is one of the huge benefits of having third party access, having a third another person be able to weigh in on those situations. Whether it's Dr. Gary, it's Coach Robin, it's any of our coaches, our clients access basically the Entire coaching staff 247 before they have any conversations, which can allow the conversation to actually solve the problem rather than break you apart. So if you're really ready to not only improve your relationships, but also find the right guy, attract the right person, I highly recommend heading on over to loveapply.com and speak with someone on my team. If you're. If we think you're the right fit, we'd be happy to welcome you to our mastermind and really guide you on your journey to love. Gary, this was a fun one, man. We got through it. What do you think? Are we out of summer mode yet?

No, I don't think so, but I just want to say I love you.

And no cheesy dad jokes. I love it.

It's good.

Thanks for listening, everybody. You guys are the best. We love you all.

Bye.

Bye.