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So over the past decade, we have coached tens of thousands of executive level women to get out there and attract long lasting love. I'm talking some of the most powerful women on the planet. And something we've heard from so many of these clients is that it's really hard to balance career success with dating success. So in today's pod, Gary and I are going to reveal a few keys to success of balancing these two things that are really difficult when you're trying to get out there and crush it in the world while also attracting that right partner. So, Gary, I. This one's going to hit home for a lot of people out there. Welcome to the Love Strategies podcast where we help successful women attract high value men, date with a strategy and improve their relationships. Now, whether you're single or dating or in a new relationship, we're here to help you dive into the male mind and provide raw insights found nowhere else. Backed by science, psychology, and our own personal experiences. Your hosts today are myself, Adam Lodolce, professional dating coach and founder of love strategies, and Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist, professor, and our head relationship coach here at Love Strategies. My Please share with a friend and enjoy.

I like it because this is exactly what you said. It's one of the things that our clients bring to us the most. And to me, the sad part about it is so many of them have been told a lie and some of them tell this lie to themselves, which is you can't have it all. You can't have career success or relationship success that basically you have to choose one or the other. And it's not only a lie, it's just bad advice because it's just simply not true. And so, you know, you may be thinking, well, you know, I have been doing great in my career, but I'm single. And it just, my relationships have felt like one big failure after another. And it's. I don't know, it's just, there's something that's sad to me about the you can't have it all mentality because let's be honest, guys don't think like that. And it's just not fair. It's just not okay. And so you shouldn't have to decide between the two. You can balance both. And we're going to share some strategies for how to do it.

Yeah, it's a false decision point. It's like I have to decide, right? Am I gonna be single and lonely the rest of my life but crushing my career, or am I gonna be in a great relationship and I gotta just kind of sit at home and, I don't know, cater to my guy, you know, it's, it's not, you can definitely have it all. And we can say that matter of factually because we've worked with so many women who have achieved this. So it's just patently false. Right?

Yeah. Well, I think, you know, let's, let's acknowledge something important from the very beginning. It's not fair that we have to talk about this for women because guys, and as guys, like, guys don't worry about this. Guys aren't sitting around like, how am I going to possibly balance my career with my relationship? They just think I'm going to have it all. And they just go out and like simply seem like way too simply manage to have it all. For guys, it's not either or. They just naturally assume they're going to have both. And it's just not that way for women all the time. And we're not saying this is how it should be. It's. We're saying we get it. We are on your side. It's not fair that there is this weird dichotomy of trying to balance these two things. We're here to show you, like, we can have, we can have both.

Right?

Right.

And the reality is, like, you're listening to this, you're successful. You wouldn't be listening to our podcast if you haven't had some level of career success in your life and just life success. Because we tend to attract those types of people who are learners, who are growers. And the reality is this didn't happen by accident. Right. You worked really hard, you put in the hours, you put in the effort. However, a lot of these relationships you've had have kind of felt like one big failure after another. And all of this again leads you to believe that you just can't have it all. You know, you win some, you lose some, but that's, that's not the reality. So we've worked with women who are CEOs, who are marketing directors, who are, you know, we've had anchor women right in this program. I've worked with some people in high level politics. It is just incredible. And they've very comfortably been able to manage this and make this happen. So let's dive into it.

Yeah. The other thing you didn't mention, which I know, we can't mention the exact companies because some of our clients work for literally the top companies in the companies you all interact with. You all like top, top C suite, executive level people. Who hanging out with them, I just always find amazing. But this is some of the people that we work with. And so one of the things I do want to share about this is there's a secret about relationship success and career success that people don't always fully recognize. And it's this. If I were able to wave a magic wand and 10x your career success make you 10 times more successful in your career than you currently are now, it's not going to help your relationship. It actually might likely make your relationship worse. But the opposite. If I was able to waive that same or maybe a different magic wand and 10x your relationship success, and it's not actually going to undermine your career success, it's very likely to do the opposite. Better relationship, you're. When your relationship and love life are more solid, it makes career success more likely. You have someone to lean on for support. You have someone to help with stress. Relationships come with all kinds of positives. They're going to make your life better. So it's really not a choice. And that's why we keep saying it's not this dichotomy of, like, pick one or pick the other. It's actually, no, no, no, both. But it's not just both. It's both in a very specific order. Relationship success first spills over into career success.

Yeah, exactly. And for those who are listening to that and, like, wait, I don't get it. If my career blows up by 10x, my relationship suffers? Well, the reality, in some cases, maybe a little bit. Well, it's at that point where then you focus on relationships, and then by focusing on your relationships and your relationship with your partner, you then grow that your career success continues to grow, and it's a constant. Hence the balance that needs to occur. And I think a lot of people, myself included, I fall victim to this every once in a while. Like, there are seasons of life where I'm just focusing so much on career and growing love strategies and, you know, hitting our mission of empowering humanity, thrive in healthy, loving relationships that sometimes, you know, my relationship takes a back seat. And then you have to take a look at that relationship and be like, hey, now I need to work on that. And by reconnecting with my partner, that's going to then get me to the next level. So it's just a constant going back and forth. The way I look at it.

Yeah. And there's also one little, little, tiny little tangent. Is everything in life is relationships. Everything, Everything, everything, everything. And so what our clients tell us all the time is like, look, I signed up for this because I'm looking for love. I'm trying to find that partner and we're helping them do that. But so many of them say. And it just warms my heart every time I hear it. The things I'm learning here are making my life better. My relationships with my kids, with my family, with my friends, with my co workers. Just this week on a Mastermind, somebody who's a C suite kind of person was talking about, you know, she's using some of the techniques we've been talking about in terms of communication and dealing with people with her teams. And she's running better meetings because of it. And it's like, this is how. Like it's not just the relationship itself that spills over in your career. It's some of the relationship skills, because anything you're doing, it's all relationships, everything in life, all the time.

It's so true.

And I got.

I have to take a minute to just brag about the Love Strategies team because I talk to a lot of CEOs of companies and they talk about how their employees don't know how to handle conflict. There's a lot of issues that go under the rug and then they explode. And I'm like, man, we don't have any problems like that around here. And I wonder if it is.

It comes.

And I haven't really thought about this before until just now. I do wonder if it's because they really have to be in alignment with what we teach and what we coach. They have to show up that way professionally. It's pretty fascinating. But I feel very lucky to have that situation here. I love Strategies. You hear these horror stories, you're like, oh my God, we don't have any of that. It's wild, right?

Well, because it's a bunch of emotionally, like, secure people who have to live privately. What we talk about publicly, like you want to. Everybody wants to be consistent. We want to. No one wants to seem like a fraud. And so we spend all this time teaching about these principles and it's. You just start acting like that all the time and showing up that way in all facets of your life.

Super, super helpful, definitely. So why don't we jump into these five keys to actually creating this balance in your love life. Gary, you want to kick us off?

Sure, yeah. So the first key to having this balance is know your non negotiables. And so we just to be clear with where this is going right from the start, we are not suggesting to Change who you are or to sacrifice your success, empowerment. And everything we talk about is about being true and authentic to yourself. However, you are successful, great, you have amazing accomplishments, wonderful. This cannot, however, be your whole entire identity. This can't be the only thing about you. It can't be all of your accomplishments, the money you make, the accolades. It can't be all about that because it's boring. No one likes this. If you were on a date with a guy and all he talked about was his career and his success and all that stuff, you would hate it. And so it goes the other way too. We don't like it when guys do it. We can't do it ourselves. So we're not saying to ignore that part. What we're saying is you're multifaceted, you have other things going on. We all have other things going on. And so it's just a matter of calibration in the sense that he's, if he's your guy and you're going to be around together for a long period, he's going to learn about all your career success. He's going to get it early on. You don't have to whip out your resume and start reading through to impress him. It's just, that's not how romance is built.

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Definitely. And there's just nothing more attractive than when you meet a person and you're just emotionally connected, you bond on something. Maybe you have similar hobbies or similar interests, or you're laughing together about stupid jokes or something you saw on social media. And then you find out later that they are incredibly successful and you find out about it from someone else that is far, far more attractive and interesting than that person telling you how successful they are. You know, it reminds me like I have a friend, a guy in my general social group and every time I'm around him, he just has to tell everyone how many people he manages. Everything he's doing at work. And it's just, it's a constant brag. And what's interesting is no one wants to hear it. No one's interested. These are things I would find out about through the grapevine if he didn't talk about it, and I'd be massively impressed by him, but I'm not. Like, the very fact that that is his entire identity, it's clear that's coming from a place of insecurity. And dating is a very insecure, like, it's, it's uncomfortable when you meet someone for the first time, so you naturally want to impress people. But I would give the same advice to men. Lead with your authenticity, lead with the emotional connection, lead with finding commonalities that are not your professional career and it's other facets of your identity. And let him find out as time goes on, because if the relationship continues, he will find out how incredibly successful you are, and then he'll be like, wow, this is a catch.

Yeah. Well, it's something else that we talk to our clients about all the time is the importance of just maintaining a little mystery. Like, I think so often people when they first meet, think they have this checklist in their head of all their greatest hits that they feel like they have to lay out right away. And if you're successful, a lot of your greatest hits are going to revolve around your career success. But again, it's what you said, it goes back to an emotional connection. No one builds an emotional connection to another person hearing about their sales numbers. Just doesn't happen. Like, no one, no one cares.

Oh, yeah, Tell me more. Did you hit your numbers this month? Oh, yeah, that's.

Let me tell you about my KPIs Adam and my Roi is hot. Oh, my God.

Well, that leads us to the second key, which is, and there's a little bit of harsh truth, but it's something for you to take a hard look at, which is stop blaming your success for lack of success in your dating life. Your success isn't what's holding you back. I mean, other successful women have attracted love are in great relationship. And the thing is, when we place blame on something, that's what we give power to. So if you're blaming your career for not finding love, you can't. You're not going to change that. Right. You shouldn't change that. And if you're passing all of the blame towards that, that is the only thing that is in your way now. You have to adjust that. And I would say just taking a look at Your entire life and what you've done, your life career wise, that is a huge asset. I want you to bring some of that energy to your love life. What made you successful there is by being a learner, by being a go getter, by adjusting your approach every step of the way. And so it can actually be a huge asset when you're getting out there. So this is a very important mental reframe that we are constantly. I mean, I've worked with CEOs of top companies, women who are incredible, and they have to hear this 5, 10, 20 times over and over again to finally allow it to click.

Yeah. And the importance of not blaming success. Here, here's just another layer proof, because I think this is one that just takes a couple of layers to really have it click. The only way, and this is a fact, the only way to get a successful guy is by being successful yourself. So it's not that success is what's holding you back. It's actually your biggest asset. Because if you're successful, who do you want to be with? Well, you want to be with a successful guy. Well, that's because you are. Well, guess what? Men think the exact same way. They're not super successful hoping, you know, they're picking someone up from the very bottom. They're not thinking that way. And so here's another way to think about it. Women who aren't successful that aren't having success with dating, what do they want? They want to be more successful, to be able to land those more successful guys. So when I hear clients say, well, it's really my success, it's scaring all the guys off. And like, it's exactly what you just said. You have to reframe this. This is actually your superpower. You have what so many other women want. And so it's not scaring guys off. We have to calibrate, handle things maybe a little bit differently, and realize that it's not the success that's scaring the guys off. It's probably something else, because there's plenty of successful women out there who are having better luck in their dating life. And so it's just a matter of figuring out what else is going on. Because like you said, blaming something like your success that you're not willing to change, nor should you, that's you're just guaranteeing that you're going to be stuck.

Yeah. And just a quick caveat for those of you who are listening are like, wait, I'm not that successful and I want to be with a really Successful guy. Just. Just a quick caveat. It doesn't have to necessarily be financial success. It doesn't have to be financial success. You could be very successful in other areas. There could be hobbies that you're really good at. It's. So long as you are able to put yourself into something and be successful at something, then successful people will want to be with you. Like, attracts, like in that way. It's very like, think of the opposite. A really successful guy doesn't want to spend his time with someone who doesn't put energy into anything. Right? Then you're just completely out of alignment.

You're not.

It's not going to work in the long term because he's just going to keep growing and she's going to stay in the same place. But again, the key caveat here is it doesn't have to necessarily be financial success.

It's.

It could be painting, it could be sculpting, it could be dance. And you don't even have to be that good at dancing. You could just really, really enjoy it and put yourself into it. You're talking to a guy who doesn't know how to dance over here. So I just want to say that for those of you who might be listening and you're like, well, I'm not that successful, or I don't feel that successful in my career. I'm moderately. It's okay. There's other areas where you can really, like, be that person that attracts the right type of guy.

Amazing point. And I'm a little embarrassed we didn't think to talk about this sooner. In the sense that it's not financial success. It's more about matching on ambition, drive, motivation, the desire for growth. Like that is a lot of the markers of success as well, that, you know, if you're not currently successful, those things will make you more successful. So it's about having a lot of those things. And so the third key to kind of striking this balance between relationship and career success is you have to make dating a priority. You have to make it a priority. And so there's something we say in psychology all the time, which is behavior reveals priorities. What you actually do is the manifestation of what you care about. And so you're successful in your life because you set priorities. Some things matter and some things don't. So you know what I will say to clients a lot of times, like, show me your calendar. Like, what does your calendar look like? Because your calendar and what you block time off for reveals your priorities. Like, if you care about Your health and wellness. You're gonna have blocks on your calendar for going to the gym and working out. You're gonna put those things on there. The people in your life, in your career life who are important get blocks of your calendar or on a regular basis. And so either dating is important to you or it's not. You can't have it both ways. And so you can't say, yeah, I really, I really want to find a partner. I really want to do this thing. Okay, well, how much time are you dedicating each week to dating? Well, I'm too busy for that. I just, I can't do that right now. Well, then you actually don't care about dating because behavior reveals priority. So will we say to clients, we suggest blocking off time for three key activities. One, learning and skill building. Right? So just learning more information. Two, looking at apps. Just kind of like spending time, just kind of seeing what's out there, looking through. It's like a little, little research, right? And then time for dating and meeting people. And you put this stuff in your calendar because it's, it's okay to be busy. We want you to be busy. But in your life, there are certain people that if they said, hey, I need, I need some time with you on Tuesday, you'll make time because they're a priority. Guess who else is a priority? You. You. You yourself are a priority. Like, block some time off for yourself, and this dating stuff is for you. And so give yourself the time you deserve.

I love it. I love this one. And it's an obvious point, but it's something that a lot of people just straight up don't follow. I had a conversation with a client that I kind of ripped apart recently. I gotta say, she was brand new to our high end program, so I probably went a little too hard, but welcome. Yep, welcome. Are you ready for tough love, Adam today? Are you ready? Let's go. And she was working with us maybe for a couple weeks or something. She's talking about how she's making it a priority because it's really important to her. And I said again, like, what have you changed so far in your behaviors? What are you doing differently based on our curriculum?

And.

And she said, well, I'm adding these new things and I'm. I'm making more time and I'm trying to add more. And I said, no, no, no, no, no. That's not what a priority is. Priorities are not adding more to your plate. It's sacrificing other priorities that you might have. You can't have multiple priorities because then the word priority is diluted. It doesn't mean anything. Right. If you have a priority in your love life, then rather than just continuingly continuously adding more and more and more and be like, oh, now after I go to the gym, after I, you know, work 10 hours, after I spend time with my kids, after I do all this stuff, then I'm gonna do more dating stuff. It's like, there's going to be something you have to sacrifice. So I. When I look at priorities in my life, rather than think about adding new things, I instead think about, what do I need to sacrifice in order to make this a priority? What do I need to cut? And look, in her case, it may have just been television time or Netflix time, and we kind of went through it. I don't want to give any more details, but there was a number of things that she had to cut, including her work. Right. This might mean over the next year, you're not going to get promoted. You're not going to get to the next level. And that's okay because we are balancing our career and our dating success in order to take 10 steps later. But again, it requires sacrifice. So the question is, if someone's making love their priority, the real question is, what are you willing to cut out? What are you willing to sacrifice? And those sacrifices can sometimes go really deep. It might even be that family event that you have on Friday nights that you go to every single week. Because it's important to spend time with family. Yeah, it's important to spend time with family, but it's also important to create your own family. So what are you going to cut? What are you going to prioritize? And that's how I look at priorities. And that's. I just think it's a huge misconception because whenever people talk about making some priorities, it's just addition, addition, addition, and thus they never actually make it a priority.

Yeah, I. I heard something recently where. I forget where I heard this, but it was. The word priority was never meant to be plural. Right. In the sense, like, you shouldn't really only have one at a time. Like, that's the whole point of the word. I would also just say, you know, as a point of clarification about taking time away from work to make room for dating. I know just. I just know from having conversations with clients, like, that suggestion is often met with some resistance like that. You're missing the point, Gary. That's literally exactly what I cannot do.

Right.

But here's what's true about work and time. There's something known as, you know, Parkinson's Law. Parkinson's law is work expands to the time allotted for it. And so what that also means is all of a sudden if you're not putting in 12 hour days, you're only putting in 11 hour days. We actually just become more efficient and get the same amount of stuff done in a shorter period of time. And so we like to think like, oh, I couldn't possibly take time out. But it's like, you know, kind of to your point earlier, open up your, open up your iPhone and check out your screen time usage. See how much time you're spending doing some things. You're not actually accounting for that time. Somehow we're super able to fit in all kinds of garbage phone time into our very busy lives. And then like, what does that say about our priorities? Right? The one last piece about this is the other, the other piece of a little bit of tough love I give clients about this particular point is being unwilling or unable to find time and to make dating a priority while simultaneously saying dating is super important to you is classic avoidant attachment. It's trying to say like, you, you want a relationship. And I, I think that everybody sincerely wants that, but then kind of coming up with these quite frankly artificial reasons for not being able to do it. It's a way to kind of straddle both sides. Be like, I want a relationship, but I just can't. I just. And it's, it's a way to keep distance and keep avoidance and frankly, try to keep yourself safe from rejection.

Right. I love it. All right, well, let's jump into the next key, which is use that go getter energy you have at work. Use it towards your love life. Right? This is a really important one because you have a track record of success and I want you to use the same skills that you've used in your professional career for dating success. Have clear goals and expectations. Have focus. Have discipline. Prepare. Prepare before your dates, set a goal for yourself of how many new guys are going to meet this upcoming weekend. Like, these are the types of using the word KPIs. These are the type of KPIs that one would have in their career success. If you're in sales and you have to make cold calls in the day, you're going to set a goal for yourself of how many dials you're going to make that day. Because if you don't, you're not making it because it's hard. Same thing with Going out to a singles event. If you're going to a singles event and you know that there's going to be 10 guys there, set a goal for yourself to meet five out of the 10 guys. And I don't care what they look like, who they are, what happens at this event, you set the goal and you go do it. And so use that energy that got you here and just apply it with vigor to your love life. Here's the only caveat. When you get out there and you use this energy to meet men who, once they come into your orbit and once they're interested, that's when we're gonna really step into the feminine energy. We're gonna lean back a bit, slow it down. So this is the one shift, this is the one shift that we need to make when we're talking about feminine energy versus masculine. If I was coaching men, I'd say continue pushing forward, continue pursuing for women. You are here likely because you want a man to pursue you and you want a man to kind of take the lead in that early stage stage. So once again, once he's in your orbit, once you've met him, once you've given him that window of opportunity into your world, then we slow it down, then we lean back into that feminine energy. It's going to be more fun for you, it's going to be more fun for him, and it's going to build a great spark.

I got to say, I love it when you use nerdy business talk like KPI. Like when you're nerdy, your nerdy business guys side comes out. I like that. Oh, yeah, I was, this is like such a really good tactical advice. And literally just this week I was talking to a client. She, this past Saturday was going to an investment seminar and she's, she's been having, she said she's had a hard time, she's a little shy, she doesn't know what to do. So. But she is going in this business investing seminar. So very quickly, we just laid out clear goals. Okay, what time does this thing start? 11:00am okay. You're going to get there at no later than 10:45 before the thing starts, you're going to make eye contact with five guys. You're going to talk and say hi to at least three, and you're going to have a little conversation with one. And she was just like, okay, perfect. And it was like literally exactly what she needed. Just to literally break it down a little because all those other things you talked about, focus, discipline, preparation, you're good at this in so many other areas of your life. It's just. It doesn't always click to like, oh, I can use those same skills with my love life. But you, you absolutely can. And it works very, very well.

Totally love it. Why don't you take us home, Gary?

All right, the last one, strategic quitting. Now, this is the one. I will tell you, I'm a little as an overachiever, this one hurts because I have this visceral reaction to the idea of quitting. Like, if you're successful, you're successful because you persevere. You're a little stubborn. You don't quit right when things get hard. The last thing you're ever gonna do is quit. And that's the key to success. So instead of quitting, what you do is you grit. You use resilience, you tough it out, and you work through it. Is huge. Key to success, but big. But I'm gonna share with you one of my favorite research studies. And when you're a little nerdy, you have favorite research studies. And this is one of mine. This is one of mine related to grit. And so they had participants come in and they gave them the super boring task. They basically had to sit at a computer and like, every couple seconds, just press a button. That's it. Just press, press button, T, T, T. And so on and so on and so on. Horrible, horrible, horrible. And after about 20 minutes of doing this, they gave them the opportunity to quit. Now you just sat here for 20 minutes doing this terrible task. Every single person in their right mind should absolutely quit. Everybody. However, if that decision was framed as a opportunity to grit through it, people just kept pressing the button. But if it was framed as a, we're trying to see if you know how to make good decisions. People stop pressing the button and they quit. And so it's important. What I love about this study is I see myself in it because I'm like, I'm not quitting. I can go all day, baby. I will just keep doing this. You're not going to make me quit. No way. But it's like, wait a second. If you had framed it to me as like, what is the smartest decision? I would have quit in a second because it's obvious then how to handle it. And so the reason why this is one of my favorite studies is it applies to relationships. Exactly. Relationships aren't a test of let's stay as long as we possibly can in this thing until death, no matter what, even if we're miserable. That's not what it's all about, it's about constantly making good decisions. And so that's why I think this is a really important lesson.

Yeah, I agree. Hey, because we. I talk a lot about grit, which is important through the dating process because you need some grit to get out there and go on lots of meetups with guys that meet online dating that are just not connecting with you. You need to kind of push through that. Because the lot. When you ask yourself, what's the smart decision? The smart decision is to keep going on meetups.

Right.

It's the right decision because all you need is one. All you need is one great connection and to be with the person for the rest of your life. But then if you frame it, when it comes to relationships, do you need to push through difficult times? Absolutely. Like, do you sometimes need grit? Absolutely. But if you ask yourself the question and is it, is it the smart decision to stay in this relationship? If the answer is no, then take a hard look at why that's the case. Right. And be willing to again, take those step, those few steps backwards in order to take many, many leaps forward. And I will say, when it comes to business and success, a lot of the most successful people in the world, their first few companies failed and that's okay. And they were able to quit to find the bigger opportunity. Right. If they stayed with that bad business and they had so much grit, it's so much toughness that they could just push through it if they were still in that Same company for 10 years. Oh my gosh. Like, think about how much opportunity cost they just missed out on. So thinking about that in your relationships and your love life, I think can be extremely important. So, Gary, this was a fantastic one. I really appreciate you putting this one together. And, and for those of you who are out there, who are successful, who are struggling, remember, it is one of your greatest assets. Leverage it, push through, and let's attract that person that you truly deserve who is on your level. You deserve it. All right, thank you so much for being a part of the Love Strategies community. By getting to the end of the.

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